Some questions for the Walk Away Spouses out there

[2.50 a gallon]

"Love is a choice" does not work for me

 

 

Take my last relationship for instance. She was super intelligent, and we shared of love of this reality we call life. We could spend weekends, making pasta, and just talking. Her explaining to me in a language I could understand, the latest findings in astral physics, of the findings of the atom particles of a super collider. My contribution was history, paleontology, etc.

She was a looker, worked out, in buns of steel shape and we had a great sex life. Being in great shape she could keep up with me when I went on long over night hikes. After I taught her to fish she loved it.

She was also a millionaire, was constantly offering to take us on trips to the Bahamas, Hawaii, the ruins of Mexico, and the last one a two week trip to Tahiti for scuba diving.

She wanted to marry and have my kids, her super rich parents were on board. The only one not on board was me. I loved her and still do, but try as I might, and I gave is six years, I could barely cross into being "In love with her"

And then I met my current GF, second date, first kiss, I had no defense, I was falling in love with her. The reason I knew was when I went home that night for the first time in decades, I realized how lonely I was without her in my life.

While I can choose whom I like and love, crossing over to being in love is out of my control

Edited November 20, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon

[ProdigalMe]

"Love is a choice" does not work for me

 

While I can choose whom I like and love, crossing over to being in love is out of my control

 

Here's my perspective. My wife and I indeed had that spark at the beginning. That indefinable "so in love, where have you been all my life?" connection. So, we got married.

 

Then after 9 years, it faded. I say, if you choose to love, what has faded can return.

 

Thoughts?

[moonwalker86]

Here's my perspective. My wife and I indeed had that spark at the beginning. That indefinable "so in love, where have you been all my life?" connection. So, we got married.

 

Then after 9 years, it faded. I say, if you choose to love, what has faded can return.

 

Thoughts?

 

I think it can return IF both partners are open to the idea of it and keep an open heart.

[2.50 a gallon]

Prodigal

 

 

The key word is "BOTH" parties.

The next key word is "Attraction"

You have to find a way to attract her into wanting to reconcile.

[2.50 a gallon]

My GF married young, was with him for about 15 years, military man, who turned into a drunk and. When they divorced she had two teenagers to take care of, so worked two and sometimes 3 jobs at a time to keep break on the table. She later hooked up moved in with a neighbor. He was 2 years younger than her, tall, and a semi-pro light heavy weight boxer. Who just so happened to look like her favorite tuff guy actor, Steven Segal. She worked in a convenience store. So had lots of admirers.

After he quit boxing he fell into drugs. I finally had my chance when he left town to get cleaned up. She had just turned 40 and saw this as her last chance to play the singles field, she had missed out on by marrying young. She chose me to be the first guy she dated, not because I physically attracted her, but being short and skinny I would not crush her when we had sex. All of her other admirers where tall and brawny.

As noted above, second date, I began to fall in love with her. AT first I was going to run, but looking at the situation I realized that no matter what I was going to get hurt, but just maybe l could get her to fall for me.

She only had one night a week she could go out, so I had to find ways to keep her coming back.

After the break up of my marriage I had accidently discovered the power of making cut out Christmas cookies.

So the third date, she came over to bake Halloween cookies, as in all the other cases, she began to revert back to when she was a little girl and we had a blast.

But she also sensed how I felt about her, and gave me a warning that she had never loved a man like she did her ex BF, and they planned on reuniting once he came back. And how she thought she could never love another man like she still loved her BF

I kept finding more interesting things for us to do on dates, such as the fourth date, I took her to the half mile races, to watch my BIL race, got down into the pits and got to sit in a couple of real race cars.

Later she came over to bake Thanksgiving cookies. And from there we dived into the Christmas holidays. She is big on Christmas, don't try to argue with her, Santa's reindeer can and still fly.

We baked more cookies, I decorated my place, then decorated with lights her place. She had small cottage. It was something the always wanted to do. I took her and her 3 month grand daughter out to look at Christmas displays. At Christmas day she took me to her family's get together

Valentine's day, her BF came back early. She let me know she was going to see him. An hour later she was back, and she had told him she had found somebody else.

I was winning her heart by actions. 20 years and counting.

Edited November 22, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

Prodigal

The point that I was trying to make, is that there are many ways to attract a woman. If you want her back, you have to find new ways to attract her.

I also don't mean to say, that just the Christmas thing won my ladies heart, there was much more involved.

Such as once she went out with several gals she worked with. All single or divorced. She knew from prior to our beginning to date, that I too used to hit the clubs. On this night, I sort of suspected which club they would be at and beat her there. I liked to dance so she saw me dancing with other women. And at the same time, when I spotted her I went over to their table said hi, and then asked her to dance, she is not much of a dancer, but did try. And I danced with a couple of her friends. They all let her know she was a lucky gal to be dating me. And hinted that is she did not want me, a couple of her friends did.

And bless her mom, after meeting me at Christmas, her mom who did not like her XHubby much less her BF, told her don't lose this one.

[goodyblue]

My h and I had a short affair before he left his ex wife. People who have been betrayed don't like to hear that he was ripe for an affair, but he was. It does not make what we did okay by any means, but he was incredibly lonely. He is religious, he is loyal, he was married 29 years, He has a child. He had a lot of reasons to not cheat, but the loneliness outweighed it all. They had not been intimate in 12 years. Twelve. If you are in a relationship with no physical or emotional intimacy it is a waste of time. You could have the same relationship with your cat. They didn't fight, they didn't... anything. They shared a house.

 

When someone does not have their needs met, resentment builds, the relationship withers. When he left there was NO going back for him. I think it is really difficult to reclaim those feelings. People deserve to be cherished. To feel they are a person of value. Obviously you don't have those feelings either so why settle for meh?

[dreamingoftigers]

I walked away. I was 42, ex H was 41. We'd had much the same problems as you have had, over the course of our 10 year marriage (we were together for 5 years before that).

 

A major difference is that my ex H made no effort to change anything. He just didn't care enough...I believe now that he honestly thought I was just venting, that I wouldn't actually leave. Our sex life suited him, and sex was over when he had an orgasm. He didn't care if I got any pleasure from it...it wasn't 'his problem'. We were just 'room mates who occasionally have sex'

 

Personally, for me once the 'spark' is gone, it's gone for good. At the end I didn't have a single romantic feeling towards my ex H. I was sorry to leave him, because he was (and still is) good company, but I felt I was too young to give up on having a fulfilling sex life. Or even any sort of sex life. There's nothing he could have done to change my mind. I'm still relieved 5 years on that he didn't try.

 

I would accept your wife's decision. I'm sure she's not done this on a whim.

 

My marriage nearly broke up for the same reason and is currently on very soft (but very hopeful) ground.

 

To be honest, there ARE other serious issues within our marriage. My husband has had significant struggles with alcoholism, porn and conflict management.

 

But I'll tell you a secret: those piss me off, a lot. But the lack of sex hurts deeply on a personal level. There's nothing quite like it.

 

If my marriage dissolves, it will be largely due to the intimacy issues.

 

I often have felt like "whats the point of being married if I have to sexually restrict myself for someone that doesn't want to put out?"

 

Like why would anyone sign up to be married to wear a chastity belt. If I want to be a nun, I would have gone a become a nun. Not married someone who presented with a high sex drive just to have to masturbate all of the damn time.

 

And really, what makes a withholding spouse think they are so damn special that they don't have to do the BASICS of maintaining the physical part of a relationship to keep it together. It's pure selfishness.

 

I can't believe that someone withholding sex from a partner could wail about "broken vows" of that clearly neglected partner leaves. What happened to the "love honour and cherish" part of those vows? Hypocrites.

 

With how accessible sex is these days I can't believe the gall of partners that withhold.

[ProdigalMe]

 

She chose me to be the first guy she dated, not because I physically attracted her, but being short and skinny I would not crush her when we had sex....

 

...how she thought she could never love another man like she still loved her BF...

 

...I was winning her heart by actions. 20 years and counting.

 

That's a phenomenal story! Thanks for sharing!

 

Your story reveals an interesting viewpoint. Because I'm in the down-in-the-dumps-blues, I feel like I can never love another woman like I love my wife, just like your GF told you she thought she could never love another man like her ex-boxer-BF. But now, 20 years on, she loves you like she's never loved another man. One day, if things go south with my wife, I hope to love another woman as much or more than her. It's difficult to imagine now, but I suppose it can happen.

[ProdigalMe]

 

And bless her mom, after meeting me at Christmas, her mom who did not like her XHubby much less her BF, told her don't lose this one.

 

This might be my saving grace. My wife's mom LOVES me, loves that her daughter and I are together. She knows about the separation and the planned divorce but hasn't taken a side (but I know silently she is pulling hard for us to stay together; she still addresses letters to us as Mr. and Mrs. ProdigalMe).

[ProdigalMe]

 

But the lack of sex hurts deeply on a personal level. There's nothing quite like it.

 

If my marriage dissolves, it will be largely due to the intimacy issues.

 

 

You echo my wife's sentiments exactly. I was too dense to realize just how hurtful this was for her. My wife's preferred frequency for sex is 3x each week. Mine is 2x each week. Frustration and resentment built up. There's some periods when we weren't intimate for 2 weeks at a time. There's times when I was too tired (occasional 60 hour work weeks), or too distracted, or too stressed. I know, it's no defense, but merely my explanation. In the past year, we would get into this cycle of resentment and frustration and it really affected our intimacy. I hope I can put back together these broken pieces but I don't even know where to start.

 

I hope you and your husband work things out. If so, you'll both revel in having fought for and restoring something very valuable.

 

BTW, I visited Victoria BC earlier this month. Gorgeous place.

Edited November 22, 2015 by ProdigalMe

[Babs22]

And really, what makes a withholding spouse think they are so damn special that they don't have to do the BASICS of maintaining the physical part of a relationship to keep it together. It's pure selfishness.

 

I can't believe that someone withholding sex from a partner could wail about "broken vows" of that clearly neglected partner leaves. What happened to the "love honour and cherish" part of those vows? Hypocrites.

 

With how accessible sex is these days I can't believe the gall of partners that withhold.

 

Dreaming of tigers,

I am in a marriage which is ending. Somewhere along the line, I lost my physical attraction for my H. Prior to that, I never withheld sex and I am not withholding now. I just don't want to have sex with him anymore. I don't feel like I am special, but I don't think I should make myself have sex with someone that I have no desire to have sex with. I tried and I was turned off by it. I have known him 30 years. He "had me" for 28 of those years. He didn't do anything to "keep me".

 

I think over time resentments happened because I felt I was doing everything on my own. I did not feel like I had a partner. We also did not have things that we did in common. Even through all of that, I never withheld sex. As a matter of fact I would initiate sex when I realized he was getting grumpy. It made me realize it had been too long and I would initiate. That made me think, why do I have to initiate? Now, I am not attracted to him physically at all. To have sex with him, I would have to go through something that I found to be an extremely negative experience. No one should have to do that. He wants that kind of relationship with someone, so our marriage is ending. I really do wish him happiness and want him to find it with someone who can give it to him. I can't.

 

Also, I agree with what someone said in this thread, about making their spouse/girlfriend laugh. I missed laughing in my marriage.

[dreamingoftigers]

You echo my wife's sentiments exactly. I was too dense to realize just how hurtful this was for her. My wife's preferred frequency for sex is 3x each week. Mine is 2x each week. Frustration and resentment built up. There's some periods when we weren't intimate for 2 weeks at a time. There's times when I was too tired (occasional 60 hour work weeks), or too distracted, or too stressed. I know, it's no defense, but merely my explanation. In the past year, we would get into this cycle of resentment and frustration and it really affected our intimacy. I hope I can put back together these broken pieces but I don't even know where to start.

 

I hope you and your husband work things out. If so, you'll both revel in having fought for and restoring something very valuable.

 

BTW, I visited Victoria BC earlier this month. Gorgeous place.

 

Do you miss intimacy with your wife?

 

And is she seeing someone else?

[ProdigalMe]

Do you miss intimacy with your wife?

 

And is she seeing someone else?

 

Yes. Absolutely.

 

And no, she is not seeing someone else.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes. Absolutely.

 

And no, she is not seeing someone else.

 

Have you looked into the 180?

[ProdigalMe]

Have you looked into the 180?

 

I have but that strategy makes me uncomfortable. Don't want to create even more distance between wife and I.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have but that strategy makes me uncomfortable. Don't want to create even more distance between wife and I.

 

How's not doing the 180 working for you?

 

I would seriously call DB and get a coach if I were in your position.

 

Chuck was the most helpful.

[LifeNomad]

I have but that strategy makes me uncomfortable. Don't want to create even more distance between wife and I.

 

 

The thing is Prodigal, distance is exactly what your wife needs and wants, she needs to truly realize what she lost to see if that is what she wants. The 180 is more for yourself though, to help and heal yourself, to not give yourself false hopes.

[pteromom]

Here's my perspective. My wife and I indeed had that spark at the beginning. That indefinable "so in love, where have you been all my life?" connection. So, we got married.

 

Then after 9 years, it faded. I say, if you choose to love, what has faded can return.

 

Thoughts?

 

In your case, she fell in love not only with who you were showing her, but her hopes for the future as your relationship grew and you got closer.

 

Instead of that happening, you quit meeting her needs, and when she told you (repeatedly) what she needed, you proved over and over again that you were not capable of making her happy.

 

So I don't think she can go back to being in love unless you prove to her that you really have changed and can commit to making permanent change for her.

 

And the only way you are going to be able to do that is if what she is asking of you is possible. If it is completely outside of your personality and you grow to resent having to put in effort that feels unnatural and unsatisfying to you, then it will be YOU falling out of love next.

 

If you believe that what she wants is reasonable, then you could try going to therapy to learn to appreciate demonstrating love in the way she wants it. It couldn't hurt and even if your wife is done, it will help you in your next relationship.

[2.50 a gallon]

Prodigal

 

 

The I'll never have that recipe again mode

I felt the same way when my Ex-fiancé and I separated.

She Hispanic, very family orientated, religious, and home made Tamales

Six years later, after living together for a couple of years, I married the Ex and had the same feeling.

She tall, brassy, liked to party, fold out material, and knew it, big boobs, which she did not hide, she liked to decorate the Christmas tree, wearing this black see thru thingy, high heels, fish net stockings, my job was just to watch, her bend over or lean into the tree hanging lights or ornaments.

Current lady, has a great body, goes out of her way to hide it, very quiet, very giving, everybody loves her.

One other thought, my Ex with the fold out body is now pushing 200 pounds, while my current lady, a grand mother of a 20 year old, still has an hour glass figure

Trust me, some day in the future you will find that recipe again, the only thing different will be the flavor of the cake

[heartbrokenkc]

My ex said the same thing to me "I'm not in love with you anymore" "I just want to be alone. But the minute she moved out and separated she was already seeing someone. There is always someone else. Remember both sides have to make the effort to change and not just one person.