Suicide and the afterlife

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

 

Instead of thinking about killing yourself, why not use your life in a way to help others? If you don't want your life anymore, why not live to help others instead of think about robbing yourself of life? There are so many people who die who would give anything for one more minute, yet you have life and can help people by choosing to live your life for others instead of for yourself.

 

I give my all for others and have lost myself in the process. Others are truly the only thing that keeps me going. Certainly not for myself, i hate myself. But I have responsibilities as an adult to others. So i keep on keeping on for them. Thats really the only way to keep going, you are right.

[BetheButterfly]

I give my all for others and have lost myself in the process. .

 

Well, you can find yourself again. What do you like to do? What puts a sparkle in your eye and makes you feel alive and enjoying life?

 

Others are truly the only thing that keeps me going. Certainly not for myself, i hate myself.

 

I am sorry you hate yourself.

It is important to learn how to love yourself and one way to do this is by focusing on your positive traits.

But I have responsibilities as an adult to others. So i keep on keeping on for them. Thats really the only way to keep going, you are right

 

Your taking responsibilities seriously is a very positive trait and is one reason to love yourself. Your caring for other people is another reason to love yourself. Both are awesome traits that make your life worth living!

[Taramere]

You mentioned sense of self. There is no sense of self with me. Im a projection of what i feel i need to be in any given situation. The results are that my life is meaningless as i have no self worth. Im who i need to be for others, not for myself. I can be any number of people any given day. Perhaps that IS who I am. One big fake person. Just an actor, playing the rolls given to me. Ive played them well up until last year. My ability to be happy in my rolls has vanished. Now im left wondering who i am, why im here, what purpose do i serve in life, what is happiness anyway?

 

Well, around that friend I mentioned I was starting to ask myself the same questions. Honestly, I don't get positives from that friendship. It's just an endless sense of duty to prevent her from feeling too isolated. There's never any sense of joy about her. She "likes" going to the theatre. We went to an opera and out of the corner of my eye I saw that she was checking the time. At the break time she admitted that she'd been looking forward to the interval so that she could go and puke. I said "I thought you loved opera." She shrugged and admitted that she doesn't lose herself in it. She doesn't lose herself in any activity really...her mind is always on the business of trying to get thinner.

 

It seems im searching for that new exciting roll to play, but I know deep down it wont ever come. The only thing i havent tried is to just be me, learn who that is first, and try to find happiness within myself. But there is only disgust there.

 

I know Freud has been "discredited" but I don't care...I still think he put forward many interesting and useful theories. Here's a visual depiction of how he saw the personality

 

http://image.slidesharecdn.com/pdmodelofabnormaldeftouse-131008040021-phpapp01/95/psyschodynamic-model-of-abnormality-as-14-638.jpg?cb=1381204907

 

If that sense of disgust comes from anywhere, it's most probably the superego. Which tends to encompass things other people have taught you. Lots of "shoulds". None of which are guaranteed to make you feel at home in your own life.

 

I think sometimes when people are talking about a sense of self, they mean a sort of spiritual feeling thing. A "self" that is a constant within you and that nobody can take away from you. I think that sense of self is comprised of a lot of our most blissful moments, sensations and memories. We're under a lot of pressure to make those moments happen, to prove to ourselves that we've lived well.

 

But sometimes the moments and experiences that we're told will give us those sensations don't. The music, films and art that are supposed to "feed our soul" don't. There are a whole lot of critics on the sidelines, right through life, telling you what you should enjoy and appreciate, what you should laugh at, what you should cry at in order to be a whole person, or a deep one. Or special.

 

And maybe none of those things you're told you should like are particularly appealing to you. Maybe if you feel that you're going through life faking a lot of things, it's because you're allowing other people to impose on you their tastes, their notions of what happiness looks like etc.

 

I don't really know what to suggest other than that you should bombard your senses as much as you can with music, books, art, films, smells, sights, philosophies and maintain an awareness of what emotional impact (if any) these things you bombard your senses and intellect with have. Your identity is in your tastes and your opinions. In liking what you like, regardless of what other people think of it. And not just liking things in order to conform to other people's notions of acceptable taste, sophistication, good sense of humour etc.

Edited January 15, 2016 by Taramere

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I don't really know what to suggest other than that you should bombard your senses as much as you can with music, books, art, films, smells, sights, philosophies and maintain an awareness of what emotional impact (if any) these things you bombard your senses and intellect with have. Your identity is in your tastes and your opinions. In liking what you like, regardless of what other people think of it. And not just liking things in order to conform to other people's notions of acceptable taste, sophistication, good sense of humour etc.

 

Ive lost interest in things and activities that used to bring me joy. The only thing that interests me is stuff thats not good for me. Even things ive loved doing for as long as i can remember, i dont find any joy or pleasure from them anymore. Its becoming a chore to try and find a new hobby or something that interests me. Then i feel guilty for focusing too much energy on myself. There are others who need help way more than I do. How can i be so selfish while others are suffering? I live in Rowlett, TX. Tornados just devistated so many. My home town now looks like a war zone. Families have lost everything all around me. How can i complain about anything im dealing with? I didnt lose anything! Yet here i am having a self pitty party. Its so disgusting, so selfish. I need to keep my focus on others. I really have nothing to complain about in comparison after all.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

And my cat got killed today by somebody's stupid ****ing dog. He was laying on the couch next to me as i wrote that stupid long ass post this morning. He just wanted to cuddle and im to busy worried about my stupid self to even pet him. This day sucks ass!!

[Taramere]

And my cat got killed today by somebody's stupid ****ing dog. He was laying on the couch next to me as i wrote that stupid long ass post this morning. He just wanted to cuddle and im to busy worried about my stupid self to even pet him. This day sucks ass!!

 

 

That's terrible. I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds as though you have a lot of really upsetting, stressful things happening around you at the moment - and if you're already in a bad place, it's obviously much harder to pull together the coping mechanisms required to deal with all of this.

 

I'm no doctor, but everything you're describing points to depression. From your previous post, it's not a case of you never having derived any enjoyment from life. It's more that you no longer enjoy the things that you used to enjoy.

 

All the guilty feelings you're talking about aren't going to help. The guilt about your cat, the guilt about other people having to deal with worse things...there's not a "who's allowed to feel depressed?" competition going on. Depression is not something people switch off once they've been informed that they're not entitled to feel it because others have it worse. It's a condition that requires proper treatment - and it is eminently treatable.

 

The first thing (and I know it's a terrible cliche) is that you have to feel committed to getting better. Unlike the friend I was talking about, you know what it is to be happy. In the past, there are things you've enjoyed. You've been able to embrace life...and that's the place you're trying to get back to. But it does sound as though you need help to get back there.

 

Don't rule out medication. I'm not saying plunge into it, and I know that it's controversial/a lot of people out there like to stigmatise its use...but the correct medication for depression can often help kick start people into making the other changes they need to make in order to start feeling better. That's a matter for you to discuss with your doctor, though.

 

But obviously being mentally healthy and happy requires a lot more than just popping a pill. If cognitive behavioural therapy treatment is available, you might find that extremely useful in helping you to identify triggers that pull you further into a bad place. Goals are, I think, incredibly important in terms of giving people a sense of purpose. The friend I mentioned only has one goal in life, and that is to be as thin as possible before she dies. That's a crappy goal. A waste of a life - but evidently there's nothing anybody can do about it, because she's not prepared to even contemplate having any other goals.

 

I think it's clear that you're in a very different position. That you're somebody who has had goals and hobbies in the past, but has just lost the motivation required to pursue them...and almost certainly has lost that motivation on account of depression. But that can be treated. It doesn't have to be this way forever. Have you discussed these problems and feelings with your doctor or anybody else in your life?

[truthtripper]

And my cat got killed today by somebody's stupid ****ing dog. He was laying on the couch next to me as i wrote that stupid long ass post this morning. He just wanted to cuddle and im to busy worried about my stupid self to even pet him. This day sucks ass!!

About 10 years ago, my cat also got killed by a dog. He went missing for a whole day and after much searching we found him paralysed under a bush in our garden. After examining him, the vet found dog teeth marks and concluded that he had been attacked. The dog had grabbed him by the neck and shaken him so that his spine broke. We suspect it was our neighbour's dog as they used to illegally let him run free on the road. I'm still traumatised by this. I know how you feel.

[truthtripper]

Truthtripper, I really don't know if he was abused in childhood. I do know he had a difficult childhood. His parents split up and the family kind of disintegrated after the children left home, all living very separate lives and not meeting up often, or at all really. He just seemed to lose hope after some big personal disappointments and began drinking heavily, or so I'm told. But the disintegration of the family - he was the youngest - probably hit him hard and he was likely carrying that around with him too. And for all he had so much talent and potential it didn't seem to matter to him and perhaps didn't make up for these losses. Just so sad.

Lack of emotional support from adults-a fantastic medium for suicide.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Lack of emotional support from adults-a fantastic medium for suicide.

 

I come from a broken home too. Parents split when i was very young. My mom got remarried to a POS. He sexually abused my older sister. Then when found out and faced with jail time, he shot himself in the head with a shotgun in our backyard 2 days before my 14th birthday. Back door is a sliding glass door. Luckily my grandmom who was staying with us at the time decided to baracade the back door with a stick, which we never did. You could break in very easy without that stick. My mom told me recently about that part of the story, i never knew. She thinks he was there to kill her, then himself. Possibly me and,my sisters as well. Who knows. But he just killed himself in the end.

 

To the reply that there isnt a competition against who gets to feel depressed, this is where I think it became engrained in me. Think of what i lost that day, nothing. My mom lost her husband and lost a lot more then that mentally, my older sister lost her youth and has all the troubles in adulthood that one would expect when sexually abused as a child, my younger sister lost her dad. I was the least affected by everything. They suffered far more then me. I cant ask for anything for myself. There are always people who will have it worse then me. It would be selfish of me to ask for help.

[Taramere]

To the reply that there isnt a competition against who gets to feel depressed, this is where I think it became engrained in me. Think of what i lost that day, nothing. My mom lost her husband and lost a lot more then that mentally, my older sister lost her youth and has all the troubles in adulthood that one would expect when sexually abused as a child, my younger sister lost her dad. I was the least affected by everything. They suffered far more then me. I cant ask for anything for myself. There are always people who will have it worse then me. It would be selfish of me to ask for help.

 

Whether or not the motivation to ask for help (with getting a better, happier life) is selfish, if the help works then it can have beneficial effects for other people too. Relatives, friends and colleagues will all benefit from your improved mental health.

[truthtripper]

I come from a broken home too. Parents split when i was very young. My mom got remarried to a POS. He sexually abused my older sister. Then when found out and faced with jail time, he shot himself in the head with a shotgun in our backyard 2 days before my 14th birthday. Back door is a sliding glass door. Luckily my grandmom who was staying with us at the time decided to baracade the back door with a stick, which we never did. You could break in very easy without that stick. My mom told me recently about that part of the story, i never knew. She thinks he was there to kill her, then himself. Possibly me and,my sisters as well. Who knows. But he just killed himself in the end.

 

To the reply that there isnt a competition against who gets to feel depressed, this is where I think it became engrained in me. Think of what i lost that day, nothing. My mom lost her husband and lost a lot more then that mentally, my older sister lost her youth and has all the troubles in adulthood that one would expect when sexually abused as a child, my younger sister lost her dad. I was the least affected by everything. They suffered far more then me. I cant ask for anything for myself. There are always people who will have it worse then me. It would be selfish of me to ask for help.

I'm sorry you had a shattered family life too. Your stepdad did you all justice by killing himself, he's better off dead.

 

Re asking for help, I don't measure my pain and suffering against anyone else's. If I need help, I seek it, regardless of other people's suffering or what anyone else thinks.