dreamingoftigers Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I'm sorry. I know you could totally use a break from it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tuxedo cat Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I hope he contacts me but I am leaning towards him being heartless it has almost been a month and not a peep out of him. Thank you though! I think you will hear from him one day, whether it be months or even years later. By then you will have moved on and whatever flimsy excuse he offers will only highlight to you what a bullet you dodged. I know it's hard to believe now but I think the fact that you've been forced into NC will actually make him easier to get over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 The most insane and hurtful thing I've seen. Very sorry you are here. Very cruel that he could do this. The worst thing for you is no closure!!! Ugh, just ugh. No one deserves this. I hope in time you find great happiness and peace. You're doing the right thing in no contact it'll help you move forward faster. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Kehv Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 @AT15 I don't think celebrities' life is harder than ours. Yes, she may have been dumped and the whole world knows about it but she's not the one getting blamed upon for the breakup. Also, with her looks and money I would get over a breakup much quicker. @Tuxedo Cat Someone pulled the disappearing act on you and even you did feel bad at that time I don't think you can compare a few months to 7+ years (and living together). Usually after all this time you've created a bond with someone which is not easily broken. I do think however in both cases there is some other woman involved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I'm so sorry Lost. It is awful to go through this kind of breakup. I had a similar break up many years ago. We were together for over two years. One day he was declaring his love for me and talking about getting married and the next day he was simply done with me. Wouldn't take my calls and started telling other people horrible lies about me and our relationship. Looking back I realize he started with the lies in an attempt to not look like a total jerk to everyone else. I bring that up because you said he has told some people some stuff about your relationship that you didn't perceive the same way. Don't take it to heart. He has done a terrible cruel thing and now he's trying to justify it to others and even himself. You are still in the early days. It will take months before you start to feel better but I promise you will. Don't get downhearted because you are still in a lot of pain. It is normal and it feels awful but it really will improve. Enjoy your daughter and all the love she gives you. Relish your days with her because she may not always be this close to you. Oh she will always love you but you know she is getting to an age where life will happen and you will have all of these fond memories of her. When I went through my awful break up I still had my 18 yr old son at home and he went above and beyond in trying to pull me through it. Watching movies with me, making me laugh, and just being a listening year. It took me a long time to get better but now when I think back to that time I feel no pain or sadness over the breakup, instead my heart swells with love for my son and I smile at the memories of him and how close we were. That will happen for you too. You will forget about this creepy guy but always remember your special moments with your sweet daughter. Hang in there, better days are coming 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostInNC Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Thank you Anika99 that was a very thoughtful post about my daughter. She is really trying to cheer me up. Watching movies or just hugging me while I cry. She has cried a little with me because she thought he was here to stay also. But I am still trudging along through the muck and fog of my days. I am still crying every day I think because it is the holidays and like today I was starting to prepare things for tomorrow and I realized I will never sit down to Thanksgiving with him. I was in Target today and I strolled through the men's section before I realized I won't ever buy him silly christmas clothes anymore. A truck pulled up in the neighbors driveway and the dog ran to the back door barking and looking like he used to when he would come home. The cats are stuck to me like glue. One especially is all over me and will actually put his paw on my face. He has never done that before but he has been doing it alot lately. If I start to cry every animal is right there jumping in my lap or paws on my leg. This is really hard and probably the hardest thing I have gone through in my life. I didn't know someone could hurt this much. It is a pain you can't reach and touch, a pain you can't take something to feel better, a pain that makes your soul feel like it has shriveled up and is no longer there. You no longer feel human you feel as if you are one of those lost souls you read about neither existing here and neither in the next. You are the in between waiting for something anything and praying for relief from this pain, praying for them to return, praying for you body to heal but no one is listening....... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Kehv Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Yes the pain will be there for a while. My ex (6 years) left me almost 5 months out of the blue (for me at least) for someone else. I'm still thinking about her everyday and how she could do this to me while she acted like everything was fine. Even though I do not have any children I do think I can relate to you. Every little thing makes me think about her but every week things slowly get better stay positive you will get there. What helps me is this: You have to get over him to even have a chance to be in a healthy relationship with him in the future. So with that thought you start to look into the future. Yes he is gone for now but you can still hope a little in the back of your mind he will return eventually. I don't know if he actually will come back but if you just have a little bit of faith you will feel better. I'm not saying you should hope everyday for him to return, I'm just saying have some hope he might come back someday. At one point you don't even care about him that much anymore and you start to enjoy life more, whether he returns or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tuxedo cat Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 You're not alone, OP: http://www.buzzfeed.com/kirstenking/ghosting-experiences-that-prove-dating-is-the-worst#.ww0D906A0 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Maybe he was about to be unmasked somehow, in a way or about something that he didn't want you to know. So he disappeared instead. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Kehv Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 You're not alone, OP: http://www.buzzfeed.com/kirstenking/ghosting-experiences-that-prove-dating-is-the-worst#.ww0D906A0 There's seriously a term for that ? Well I know my ex did not just dissapear on me so I don't fall into that catagory. I also don't think you are really 'dating' after 7,5 years but that's my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostInNC Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 (edited) Happy Thanksgiving LS Community of Heartbreak buddies. This is my first Thanksgiving without him since 2008. He normally would work Thanksgiving but be home by 7 pm so I had something to look forward to now I have nothing. All those years of asking him to see if he can get off I wish I would have shut my mouth because some time with him is better than no time. I got up and put the turkey in the oven and now I am back in the bed hiding out in the covers because I do no want to have to face the day without him. I miss him and wish he would come home but I know it will never happen. I wonder it is I will ever be the same person I was before he left. Happy, secure, confident, motivated and not broken. I know people say time heals all wound but I don't think it actually does. Some wounds never heal. Broken bones heal but there is often arthritis, I separated a shoulder years ago and scar tissue and regrowth is holding it together and it hurts to carry anything or even lay on that side so even thought it healed it is never the same and still hurts, surgeries, broken bones, medicines and people still never feel the same as before what ever ailment came along. I think there is scar tissue covering a broken heart and soul and it never fully heals, it never becomes what it once was. You can glue a broken vase back together and you can still see a crack, a bone can heal but you can still tell it was broken. Why not your heart and soul? I think that is what will happen I will always have a crack in my soul that will never heal. I will never be the same and it is not for the better. I can take up a hobby, exercise, travel, get another degree, change jobs, move, find a playmate but all I am doing is trying to find enough glue to repair what he broke. Edited November 26, 2015 by LostInNC Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 I think you're right... However, the cracks become less of a concern as you get some new flowers and water in the vase. You end up noticing the new flowers, rather than the vase. First, you do have to find all the pieces and glue to get the vase holding water again though... that takes some time... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
razze Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 But you said that you knew something was up. Most people in good relationships would not assume the person is gone just because they didn't go to work for a couple of days. This is what happens when you are in deep denial despite there being signs all over the place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostInNC Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 But you said that you knew something was up. Most people in good relationships would not assume the person is gone just because they didn't go to work for a couple of days. This is what happens when you are in deep denial despite there being signs all over the place. I knew "something" was up because he had been a little down for 2 days. He told me it was his tooth ache but when he did not answer his phone and his boss said he quit my mind flew to that. Hard to see signs when they act normal, loving, caring, doing things with you, telling you they love you, warming up your car they day they leave, making plans for the weekend, make the dog a dr appointment he said he would take him to, going shopping the few days and buying you your favorite cookies. Sure I guess that mean he was leaving. Loving gestures=leaving. Boy I missed the signs he was leaving. Wow it is just like I thought my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
razze Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Well, at least you can learn from this. Try to figure out ways that you may have pushed him away during the relationship. For example were you high maintenance? Did you not listen to him or address his needs? Did you deny him sex? Not cook his favorite meals or properly iron his clothes? Did his complaints fall on deaf ears? Sometimes it's easy to ignore the signs when we're only thinking about ourselves, until it's too late. There HAD to be signs, no one can plan such a big life changing event without something showing up somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 I knew "something", because he had been a little down for 2 days. He told me it was his tooth ache but when he did not answer his phone and his boss said he quit my mind flew to that. Hard to see signs when they act normal, loving, caring, doing things with you, telling you they love you, warming up your car they day they leave, making plans for the weekend, make the dog a dr appointment he said he would take him to, going shopping the few days and buying you your favorite cookies. Sure I guess that mean he was leaving. Loving gestures=leaving. Boy I missed the signs he was leaving. Wow it is just like I thought my fault. See my previous post for references on how you are somehow able to "crack the code" on his crazy behaviour. What's that? He didn't behave Rationally? He didn't go about things in a logical, considerate way. I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED. A conflict-avoidant man who disappeared didn't put up a billboard warning you? Didnt leave you a scavenger hunt of clues? Whaaat!? You lack the psychic powers the rest of us come by naturally? And so what if you knew "something was up?" I doubt ANYONE would have expected this, and how is that reassuring to anyone but the person who wants to think that there were "signs." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Well, at least you can learn from this. Try to figure out ways that you may have pushed him away during the relationship. For example were you high maintenance? Did you not listen to him or address his needs? Did you deny him sex? Not cook his favorite meals or properly iron his clothes? Did his complaints fall on deaf ears? Sometimes it's easy to ignore the signs when we're only thinking about ourselves, until it's too late. There HAD to be signs, no one can plan such a big life changing event without something showing up somewhere. There HAD TO BE! HAD TO BE! Because everyone, everywhere doesn't just do something without tons of advance warning! Never mind the many people each year that totally put on a front and disappear, or have lives that they outright ditch as their coping skill! And people never just lie or cheat or steal unless they leave a note! And if they do it must be because you were a total monster. You must've withheld sex, blared music that he hated and refused to put the cap on the toothpaste. How could you! One day, in August of 2009, my husband and I were moving. We had a three-month old daughter. He was "just going to put a small end-table downstairs. He vanished. I didn't hear from him for three days and having already filed a missing persons on him. Right in the middle of a cross-country move with a new baby. No complaints. (I was much nicer back then too). When I did finally track him down through interact purchases to a neighbouring town, he let me know that " Jed been pretty unhappy." That was the FIRST I'd heard of it. And dontcha think for two seconds I didn't have the last five years previous to that rattling around my head looking for ANY sort of sign. There were NONE. He made it that way. At that point he decided he wanted to go home and chalked it up to "new father stress." It was so very very out of character that I accepted it. Now many years later I realize it was an INTEGRAL PART of his character. Only in the last year has he been able to reasonably deliver his feelings, needs and work on his coping skills. And I've been with the guy for ELEVEN years.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
razze Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 She said when she got home she knew he had moved back in with his parents. So I rush home in the middle of the day just knowing what he was doing and sure enough he had packed up his belonging, the garage and hauled himself back to his family in Minesotta. She knew exactly where he went. There was none of this "he just vanished". There were signs. Even if they remained in her subconscious. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 Happy Thanksgiving LS Community of Heartbreak buddies. This is my first Thanksgiving without him since 2008. He normally would work Thanksgiving but be home by 7 pm so I had something to look forward to now I have nothing. All those years of asking him to see if he can get off I wish I would have shut my mouth because some time with him is better than no time. I got up and put the turkey in the oven and now I am back in the bed hiding out in the covers because I do no want to have to face the day without him. I miss him and wish he would come home but I know it will never happen. I wonder it is I will ever be the same person I was before he left. Happy, secure, confident, motivated and not broken. I know people say time heals all wound but I don't think it actually does. Some wounds never heal. Broken bones heal but there is often arthritis, I separated a shoulder years ago and scar tissue and regrowth is holding it together and it hurts to carry anything or even lay on that side so even thought it healed it is never the same and still hurts, surgeries, broken bones, medicines and people still never feel the same as before what ever ailment came along. I think there is scar tissue covering a broken heart and soul and it never fully heals, it never becomes what it once was. You can glue a broken vase back together and you can still see a crack, a bone can heal but you can still tell it was broken. Why not your heart and soul? I think that is what will happen I will always have a crack in my soul that will never heal. I will never be the same and it is not for the better. I can take up a hobby, exercise, travel, get another degree, change jobs, move, find a playmate but all I am doing is trying to find enough glue to repair what he broke. It's true. Every heartbreak and every traumatic event in our lives leaves a scar but so what? That's what makes us stronger and wiser. That's what makes us more resilient. Stop projecting into the future and imagining yourself never getting better. It's not true and that kind of negative thinking isn't good for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostInNC Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) Hi LS community! It has been a few weeks since I have last posted and I just wanted to give a little update. It has been about a month and 2 weeks since he literally vanished into thin air. (I stopped counting days a little over a week or so ago, I felt it was not helpful to me moving forward.) My Dr has put me on anti-depressants and I am rolling into about 2 or 3 weeks of those and I am going to therapy once a week. If anything it is nice to sit and cry or have someone who is just as confused as I am but sees potential in my future.The combination of those two have really helped me alot. I accidentally found out where he was because a change of address came to the house. Weird huh because I have not actively searched to see who he is staying with I just knew it had to be family. It fell in my lap and he staying with his nephew and his nephews wife and not one of his 4 brothers or sisters. I find that slightly strange but not strange enough to worry about it. I was writing in a journal all my anger and thoughts but it got to be too depressing to keep rehashing it over and over on paper so I cut that out. Time to focus on positive writings. And lastly, one of the things that has helped me the most is a post by MightyCpa " I'll point out the obvious: lots of relationships survive neglect, being strung along and even cheating. If yours didn't, then it is not your fault that he couldn't hang in there." "I think you also have to ask yourself if the shoe were on the other foot, would you have bailed, or could you forgive them? And there was more to the post but it struck a nerve very deep within me and I have printed it and stuck to to my computer at work, my mirror at home, my journal and any place I could see this. I read that post 20-30 times a day. This is not my fault, I didn't cheat, lie, steal, spend his money, string him along and maybe my biggest transgression was being too open and trusting that he would be here forever and that may have led to complacency. And if he could not in 8 years tell me I was doing that and that it bothered him then this mess is his fault not mine. I would have done anything to correct my behavior if it bothered him but I had no way of knowing. Because I would have never bailed or given up on us. So this mess is on him and as my sister said "Karma does not forget an address." And no I have still not heard from him. I do not exist but hey that is ok. I exist to those that matter. So I am actually thinking I will pull out of this. I can make it through this and maybe come out better and wiser about my future. But I tell you something I sure do like coming home and having my bed made everyday not having to make it from someone who slept 2 hours more than me and didn't feel like making the bed. And I have not cried in 3 days...not a tear! So thank you MightyCpa! That post is staying with me forever! people here are full of wonderful help. LostInNc Edited December 9, 2015 by LostInNC 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 She said when she got home she knew he had moved back in with his parents. She knew exactly where he went. There was none of this "he just vanished". There were signs. Even if they remained in her subconscious. Blah ha ha. Just like if she found a phone full of texts saying " you are way sexier than my girlfriend " it would be logical to deduce that he was cheating. Oh there must have been signs. But maybe there aren't. In fact, she still doesn't "know" that he moved back to his parents. That's an assumption given the very limited evidence AFTER THE FACT. Signs "in her subconscious." That's priceless. Very supportive as well. "You saw it all around you, in your dreams, so somehow this is partially your fault." Blame the victim much? "People just don't . . . . [insert wacky behavior here]." Yes! They do! People do all kinds of wacky things. All of the time. We can try to gather a general sense of things from people but some present very well and hide themselves very well. You know that there are serial killers that live among us, right? I bet you couldn't point out one in a crowd. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LostInNC Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) Hey DreamingofTigers! Thanks for the back up! For some reason Razze thinks this is my fault But oh well know one knows until something like this happens to them. I knew he went to MN because where else would he go? He has no friends to live with and no family here and he took my GPS out of my car so 2 + 2 = MN. High maintenance? No I make my own money and alot more than him and we had separate bank account in fact his contribution to the household was $800 a month and that included everything and groceries. I bought my own clothes, paid my own bills and anything that was mine came out of my money even our shared pets vet bills I paid and I never ever borrowed money from him. He never purchased me anything like shoes, purses, perfume clothing unless it was Christmas and then it was usually DVD's and nail polish. Not cook his favorite meals or properly iron his clothes? Cook his meals and iron his clothes?? Ironing someones clothing is a reason to leave? Really? Yes I cooked but no I am not ironing his clothing. Why should I? I iron mine everyday before work. He didn't need his ironed. He just threw them in the dryer and off he went. Wow some people have been burned so bad they don't believe anything anyone says. Lets see maybe I didn't like him groping me in public thinking he was all slick and funny or grabbing my ass when we would walk into a restaurant. Maybe that is why he left because I asked him to not do that please it is embarrassing. Or maybe it was the discussion about us having 2 days a month together and that I was lonely and that he could quit his job and I can support us so we can have more time together. Because I am not lonely for company but I am lonely for him. Maybe that is why he left?? Either way apparently if I had only ironed his t-shirts he would have stayed. And again NO ONE KNEW A THING. He is a really good actor I guess...never knew that either. Edited December 9, 2015 by LostInNC 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Lol...razze is either an 8yr old or an 80yr old. Did you not iron his clothes? Rothflmao... Even if you were high maintenance and you made your husband wear wrinkled clothes it doesn't excuse him leaving the way he did. The way he ran away like a coward indicates he was the lesser person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Lol...razze is either an 8yr old or an 80yr old. Did you not iron his clothes? Rothflmao... Even if you were high maintenance and you made your husband wear wrinkled clothes it doesn't excuse him leaving the way he did. The way he ran away like a coward indicates he was the lesser person. I dunno..... My husband hasn't ironed my clothes ever. Maybe it's time to tiptoe out the door to another province. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 LostinNC, it sounds like you are doing better. Getting ready for holidays with the kid(s)? Link to post Share on other sites
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