He left me while I was at work after 7 and a half years...[UPDATED]

[LostInNC]

Hello everyone,

 

Today is day 7 of this long and upward journey. I still have not heard from him but I did get a notice on my phone last night where he subscribed to my youtube channel. I did not even get excited because he was more than likely trying to figure out how to unsubscribe from me. It went on 3 times so to make it easy I deleted my channel. Problem solved.

 

One of his friends from down the street came by and asked what's up he hasn't seen him. So I told him and he was shocked. He said that's why the phone # is not working and he is not answering his text messages. The neighbor thought my ex-was ignoring him or avoiding him. So here is another friend who had no clue what he was doing. He said yea he would complain about stuff in the relationship but it was it was the same thing he would complain about his wife. Small stuff that you move on from he said.

He tried calling him and it said it was not accepting calls so I figured it is because he has changed his number. I wouldn't know because I have not tried to call him. He said he would hook me up with a used lawnmower which is great because the ex took the mower.

 

As for me I am still here and still struggling but very few tears each day. The way I am looking at it is if this man disliked me so much that he had to sneak out while I was at work then do I want to be with someone who did not even like me? I did not lose my BF he was stolen by this thief who is not the man I was in a relationship with.

 

I still love him dearly and miss him but I want someone who loves me and not someone who is only with me for what I don't know now

[LostInNC]

Day 11 of the my significant other disappearing.

 

I am not feeling that much better but I am moving forward. This weekend I cleaned out some things and threw away about 2 bags of just stuff. He had a large box of 70's and 80's rique mags that someone gave him and in the trash they went. Old clothing, magazines, bills, books and photos in the trash. I don't know if it is liberating to throw them away but a few items I did tuck into the top of the closet. I can not bring myself to toss his service flag or his mothers cookie jar. So I just slid them out of sight. I don't know how I will ever get them to him but at this point it is not my concern.

 

I stayed home from work today. I have a ton of sick leave and I just wanted to hang under the covers, drink coffee and eat muffins. It has rained here everyday since he left and it is a downpour again today. Go figure what is up with that?

 

I still miss him and love him and we had almost 8 years together. I don't understand how someone can just disappear on someone. I can understand if I had cheated, stole his money, lied.....something.

 

How someone can make plans for the weekend, ask what you want for Christmas, make a vet appointment for the dog and then gone. Making plans knowing good and darn well he was not going to be here.

 

I am struggling a little today, maybe it is the weather with all the rain. I don't know but why does life have to be so hard? Why do we date someone, invest our lives and future, get engaged, make plans and dreams knowing that one day it may end and we will endure such emotional pain that it is almost unbearable.

 

I don't know but it is chilly and rainy and I wish he would come home...it is a perfect night for a pot of chili and a good movie.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Wow, I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you're going through. All you can do right now is exactly what you're doing. Take it day by day and know that all that you are feeling is normal. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, confused, and lost. What happened to you is quite frankly traumatic. Your ex is a heartless, cruel individual...a huge coward. Clearly, he is not the man you knew and loved for 7 years. There is no excuse for the how he dishonored your union. He had the right mind to take the TV..he knew what he was doing.

 

Erase all of him from your life. He should be as good as dead to you.

 

Focus on you and good for you for trying to get active. The best thing I've done for myself while healing from heartache is battling my stress and emotions physically. Don't just do cardio.. lift weights. Something about pushing my body to it's limits and taking my emotions out on the weights has been cathartic. Perhaps take a dance/aerobic class or yoga. Do whatever makes YOU feel better. Right now, be selfish and be greedy. Do whatever you want and makes you feel better.

 

Have faith that you will heal and feel good again someday. It just takes time. The way your ex left you says everything about his chacter...not yours. Remember that. You did not deserve this. You deserve love and respect.

 

(BIG HUGS)

[LostInNC]

Thank you seekingpeaceinlove. I did join a gym but I have got to get used to just exercise. But you are right one day at a time. But each day is so hard. I do know they will get better. It is mind set I have to get used to. Not talking to him about every little thing. We would see something funny and we would call each other just to tell. I will have to get used to not having him around for conversation and just being my friend.

 

But I agree 100% he was a coward and I don't think I want that in my life. No emotional backbone what so ever. It speaks to his character which at this point is pretty low.

 

Thank you for replying! It is nice to hear others thoughts and opinions.

 

Thank you for the hug!

[loveweary11]

My ex wife vanished the same exact way. No fighting, no warning, no reason. After 12 years.

 

Basically, these are disgusting people who are too cowardly to confront any problems in life, so they run.

 

You're better off without someone as weak as that, even though it doesn't seem like at this point.

 

I remember the blur, the fog after this type of cowardly act.

 

It will eventually pass. Not for quite some time though, unfortunately.

 

Just do whatever it takes to get your mind off the spineless loser and keep active. I threw myself into work, exercise, hooking up with tons of girls and a little too much partying. That was what worked for me. Also the first time I felt a little love toward one of these girls really worked. That was the moment I was better.

 

Your path will of course, be different. We all need and like different things.

 

Just stay busy and have as much fun as you can. The time to recover will pass more quickly. Stay social especially.

 

Good luck. You, too will make it, like the rest of us that chose weak, cowardly partners.

 

Best part for me has been watching my life improve dramatically financially, sexually, socially, while watching her wreck the dbag she's with., He was doing well before he met her, now, since he is her full time mental health care giver, his business is failing, the one she tried to open failed, they are moving back into a ghetto in FL and I couldn't be happier to see it. lol

 

I know I'm not supposed to, but with people like these, watching them fail is a little bit of a pleasure.

 

Your life will improve. He's back at his parents!!

[LostInNC]

Hi loveweary11. Wow the SO leaving and vanishing is more common than I thought.

 

They are cowards the more I have time to think everything over. Not even an argument. A fight I can understand but when there is nothing is is really hard.

 

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am taking everything to heart and really trying to move forward as best as I can.

 

Someday I will be feeling better....just not today.

[ValentineGirl]

I'm so sad and sorry to hear this happened to you. Everyone here has responded very wisely and compassionately. I can't write any words that are better than what they have said but I really want to reach out to you.

 

You are obviously an awesome, wonderful person and your daughter too. What this man did to you is totally cowardly and unmerited, cruel and duplicitous.

 

I feel your pain...my boyfriend suddenly vanished a month ago too. There was no warning, no conflict. He told me he loved me right before he disappeared, the same day we came home from a magical and romantic holiday. I just wrote out the long sorry story in this forum as I have been left shellshocked, confused and utterly without an explanation. He has also stopped contacting me completely. But we were only together for 8 months...being treated like this after seven years must be beyond devastating.

 

I can tell you are a woman of strength, character and courage. I applaud the classy way you are handling your situation. I wish I could help but being in the same situation myself am learning that there is nothing and no one that can really help. Just time, and trying to gain something from the situation for yourself - learning to be stronger emotionally, deeper understanding of yourself and others and learning to love yourself more. That's what I am trying to focus on at least.

[LostInNC]

Thank you ValentineGirl for your encouraging words. I am trying really hard to keep myself pulled together and have a little dignity about the situation. Although I am still in shell shock mode where it doesn't seem like this is real after 7 and a half years together. I keep playing in my head all the things that have happened the weeks before this and I am ready to give up.

 

I have my good days and my not so good day and the tears only happen at night and then it is just for a minute or two. Normally about the time he usually would come home. I do miss him and love him but this was just mean. There is no other way to put it other than someone who can do this after the time we spent together is just heartless.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you feel better one day as we all hope we do. Take care!

[LostInNC]

Today was a hard day. I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day. My eyes hurt and feel clammy like I have been asleep and just woken up. I can't talk to anyone about anything other than a simple short conversation. And I am just so torn up inside while trying to remain calm and not be a crying whining person. I feel so hollow. Like all my insides and good parts of me have been scooped out and thrown away.

 

People are getting ready for Thanksgiving and making holiday plans and all I can think about is.......nothing. I don't want to get ready for the holidays, I don't want to decorate and shop and buy gifts for people. I don't want to hear the blah blah blah that comes with sitting around the table eating turkey and trying not to cry in front of everyone because all I hear is "Suck it up and move on" or "You don't need a man" or "Don't be a big cry bag" or "You make your own money what do you need a man for".

 

It is funny that the people that say thing are either married or extremely bitter. I don't want to be old, alone and bitter like some people I know. And I certainly don't want their marriages either full of deceit and distrust. I want what I had which I thought was pretty good.

 

I don't know what I am going to do other than just try and make it through each day slowly. I do hope that people who do this to people in their life find no rest or peace in their hearts. They do not deserve happiness at the expense of others and certainly not those who vanish on people in a long term relationship. Their being will have a huge black mark on it that not even time can erase.

 

Well enough of me waxing and waning on my sad little day. Much peace and happiness to those of us who are finding our way through the dark and pain that comes with having our hearts thrown away like a dollar store trinket. The heart will find its way back to each of us stronger, brighter and ready for life again.

 

Many hugs,

Edited November 14, 2015 by LostInNC

[loveweary11]

I skipped the holidays...

 

 

 

Today was a hard day. I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day. My eyes hurt and feel clammy like I have been asleep and just woken up. I can't talk to anyone about anything other than a simple short conversation. And I am just so torn up inside while trying to remain calm and not be a crying whining person. I feel so hollow. Like all my insides and good parts of me have been scooped out and thrown away.

 

People are getting ready for Thanksgiving and making holiday plans and all I can think about is.......nothing. I don't want to get ready for the holidays, I don't want to decorate and shop and buy gifts for people. I don't want to hear the blah blah blah that comes with sitting around the table eating turkey and trying not to cry in front of everyone because all I hear is "Suck it up and move on" or "You don't need a man" or "Don't be a big cry bag" or "You make your own money what do you need a man for".

 

It is funny that the people that say thing are either married or extremely bitter. I don't want to be old, alone and bitter like some people I know. And I certainly don't want their marriages either full of deceit and distrust. I want what I had which I thought was pretty good.

 

I don't know what I am going to do other than just try and make it through each day slowly. I do hope that people who do this to people in their life find no rest or peace in their hearts. They do not deserve happiness at the expense of others and certainly not those who vanish on people in a long term relationship. Their being will have a huge black mark on it that not even time can erase.

 

Well enough of me waxing and waning on my sad little day. Much peace and happiness to those of us who are finding our way through the dark and pain that comes with having our hearts thrown away like a dollar store trinket. The heart will find its way back to each of us stronger, brighter and ready for life again.

 

Many hugs,

[LostInNC]

It has been 3 weeks tomorrow that I came home and he had vanished without a trace. It has been a very difficult 3 weeks. A few tears each day and mostly when I go to bed. This has been hard. We would talk on his way to work each morning, he would call me when he was pulling into work, he would call around lunch, I would call when I got into my car when I left work, he would call when he got in his car and left his work, he would call or I would call when he should almost be home, we ate dinner together every night and we went to bed together every night and no one stayed up later than the other.

 

It has been so hard to have that ripped away. I miss just talking to him. I miss eating dinner with him and watching our favorite television show together. I wish I would have know what I did wrong so what ever it was I could have stopped before it got to this. I wish we would have had a fight or an argument so I would have know something was wrong.

 

A family member is still on his facebook and said he has not posted a thing or changed anything or taken any pictures down. I am going to assume he may have just gotten another facebook page but who knows??? I don't have access because he blocked me before I even got home.

 

I am still getting some of his mail to the house so he hasn't put a change of address in yet.

 

Why can't he just come home and talk to me.

[LostInNC]

Well someone posted happy Birthday on his time line and his sister replied and said he doesn't have FB.

 

I am not that Facebook savy but if they deactivate their account can people still post to their timeline? So does that mean he is just not on anymore? I wonder?

[BC1980]

Well someone posted happy Birthday on his time line and his sister replied and said he doesn't have FB.

 

I am not that Facebook savy but if they deactivate their account can people still post to their timeline? So does that mean he is just not on anymore? I wonder?

 

I'm pretty sure that once you deactivate your account, your FB is gone. You don't have a timeline to post Happy Birthday on. How can you see his timeline if he blocked you?

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't be surprised if he was cheating on you because that would explain the abrupt disappearance. He wouldn't want to explain it or feel guilty when he sees you get upset.

[LostInNC]

Hi BC1980,

 

I know about the facebook because a family member is still his friend. So that means he hasn't deactivated his account he is just not on there anymore. Which I am a little surprised he just didn't delete the thing and move on.

[LostInNC]

Hello LS Community,

 

Well here is my 3rd Sunday without him and I have made it through 3 weeks of mind numbing, sleepless and utter hollowness inside me. It is amazing how you can feel as if your insides are gone, as if you are a walking shell of a person.

 

Still no contact from him and no nothing. Poof! Vanished...darn aliens must have took him for all I know. But the days are not getting any easier but they are not getting worse so I guess that is a plus. I still cry everyday a little and I miss and still love him. For me the hard part is the conversation. I miss the sound of his voice.

 

I never thought in a million years I would be in this situation. I guess I was too proud of my relationship and it was taken away to make me realize that I am right where I am supposed to be....alone. Because no one ever stays and you can't trust no one.

 

Well I am thankful I have a 3 day week this week and I did manage to purchase items for dinner. My daughter and I are skipping the family events and just having dinner the 2 of us.

 

BTW weird event, I have been thinking bad dark thoughts as some of us may do and she was staying at a friends house and sent me some text message pretty late about she had a dream that I was gone and life without me was horrible. That is did something bad and was not here anymore. Had her worked up. She was telling me not to leave her ever because what would she do without me. Hmmmmm....that ended my bad thoughts pretty quick.

 

Take care of your hearts everyone!

[loveweary11]

Following your posts here and listening. Exact same path/feelings I had. Please do keep getting it all out. I'm listening...

[Kevin_D]

This guy is either bipolar or a narcissist. Now, some ******* will most certainly hijack the thread and start blabbing about how "people fall out of love and don't know how to handle it, that we should be careful about label people as mentally ill, because that way we won't learn from our mistakes, that his reasons don't matter since closure comes form within yada yada yada".

 

I'm sure these people mean well, but they clearly haven't experienced gaslighting and heavy manipulation. I've dated regular *******s as well, and if you aren't too naive, you can feel deep inside that they will betray you sooner or later.

 

The thing with bipolar people is that they will love you in a way that you haven't experienced before. They will make you feel so special. For year after year. And then one day, they will quit there job, dump you like garbage and start a new life somewhere else. And never look back.

 

This behavoir is not normal. This is the only thing you need to remember. This guy is sick as hell. He needs treatment. No matter how badly you treat someone, he wouldn't behave like this if he wasn't a complete nutjob. Let me guess...

 

Is he impulsive? Has he been complaining about various ailments? Did you often end up apologizing, even though he was the one who had done you wrong? Did you let him get away with some strange behavior, just because you felt that he loved you so much?

 

I'm sure he loved you deeply. I'm sure he thought that he would spend the rest of his life with you. But trust me on this: He can't rememeber those feelings and probably never will. You're the enemy now, a person who stole 7.5 years of his life. And for that reason, you deserve to suffer. He doesn't feel any guilt or remorse. Just grandiosity and hatred. The apology will never come, because he will never accept that he did something wrong.

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband used to vanish for weeks at a time.

 

I used to think he was gone forever each time. I suspect in this case that it is final. I also should never have put IP with it or forgiven it. It was heart-wrenching and ridiculous.

 

So painful. So confusing and so isolating.

 

Like you, I missed the sound of his voice.

 

It took the last time he disappeared to fully get past the pain and pull through it.

 

He was gone about six weeks. I absolutely thought it was final.

 

When he did contact me, I didn't even bother contacting him back. It pissed me off. Irritated me.

 

You are in the first few weeks.

 

After the grief hits fever pitch, it will start to die down and be replaced by either anger or just an extreme self-focus to get to the next chapter of your life.

 

The way he did this is so awful, its like the man you thought you were with suddenly died and the grief is similar. Like being ripped away from him. Bit its also an assault on your self-esteem and perceptive abilities.

 

Every moron with half of an opinion will say catch phrases that they better pray aren't uttered back to them at a low point in their lives/relationships.

 

They'll say "you must've missed some cue" "you are better off" "well did you x, y and z because people just don't disappear" and my effing all-time favorite: "it just wasn't meant to be"

 

Like some "Great Hand of Fate" came and snatched your stupid boyfriend in a Universal game of "psych."

 

Sure, "it wasn't meant to be" because some jackass had no common sense or decency, causing him to make extremely grievous and poor choices.

 

And anyone who thinks you can predict the future actions of any one of their partners hasn't experienced a truly passive a aggressive one yet. They love to blindside people. That's their speciality.

 

People like to lay the blame at the feet of the victim because they don't want to think it could happen to them because they are "so much smarter than that."

 

So damn smart they can't scrape together an ounce of empathy and call it "helpful."

 

Pity them. They haven't learned the hard way yet.

[LostInNC]

Today is another day of trying to pull myself out of the muck that has become my life. A month ago I was happy with not a care in the world about my relationship and I can home and all hell has broken lose in my heart and my head.

 

I went to a therapist today to be able have a neutral party to talk to and I ended up crying before I got a full sentence out. When I told the therapist what happened she was stunned and I had to tell it again. She wanted to know about the days leading up to it, any problems in the past and she kept digging. She asked why do I think he left and I told he "He must be sick and tired of me". But she said if he was that tired of being with me then why never say anything or even give some kind of sign. She asked how do I know he is is MN and I said I assumed he was there with his family. But she is right how do I know where he is. He could be down the street and I wouldn't know. I am almost afraid to start digging because it will not bring him back.

 

I came home and went and laid down for about an hour and a half. I am just so drained from the ordeal. I could see if we had a bad life but we had a good one. We never raised our voices in anger to one another, we never called each other a name in anger, we never threw anything or broke anything, none of that crazy fighting stuff people do. I don't get this and I don't think I ever will. But that is what a therapist is for to make sure I don't have my self committed. I go back next week. I think I will keep this up weekly for awhile.

 

I know this will be the act that is going to break me from having any faith in people. There is nothing more inside of me that feels right about anything. But I will trudge on in this life because it is not like I can push an eject button to boot me out of this world. Because if this is the way my life is going to be then I don't want it. I wish there was an opt out button when life keeps sending you spam you can opt out of the crap or a vacation message. "Hello I am taking a break from my ****ty life so please try again later. Do not leave a message or number because I will the hell not get back to you. Thank you and do not have a good day"

 

But in the end I am still here, still crying and still missing him like crazy.....maybe I can find the opt out of life button tomorrow

[LostInNC]

My husband used to vanish for weeks at a time.

 

I used to think he was gone forever each time. I suspect in this case that it is final. I also should never have put IP with it or forgiven it. It was heart-wrenching and ridiculous.

 

So painful. So confusing and so isolating.

 

Like you, I missed the sound of his voice.

 

It took the last time he disappeared to fully get past the pain and pull through it.

 

He was gone about six weeks. I absolutely thought it was final.

 

When he did contact me, I didn't even bother contacting him back. It pissed me off. Irritated me.

 

You are in the first few weeks.

 

After the grief hits fever pitch, it will start to die down and be replaced by either anger or just an extreme self-focus to get to the next chapter of your life.

 

The way he did this is so awful, its like the man you thought you were with suddenly died and the grief is similar. Like being ripped away from him. Bit its also an assault on your self-esteem and perceptive abilities.

 

Every moron with half of an opinion will say catch phrases that they better pray aren't uttered back to them at a low point in their lives/relationships.

 

They'll say "you must've missed some cue" "you are better off" "well did you x, y and z because people just don't disappear" and my effing all-time favorite: "it just wasn't meant to be"

 

Like some "Great Hand of Fate" came and snatched your stupid boyfriend in a Universal game of "psych."

 

Sure, "it wasn't meant to be" because some jackass had no common sense or decency, causing him to make extremely grievous and poor choices.

 

And anyone who thinks you can predict the future actions of any one of their partners hasn't experienced a truly passive a aggressive one yet. They love to blindside people. That's their speciality.

 

People like to lay the blame at the feet of the victim because they don't want to think it could happen to them because they are "so much smarter than that."

 

So damn smart they can't scrape together an ounce of empathy and call it "helpful."

 

Pity them. They haven't learned the hard way yet.

 

Thank you! I really enjoyed reading your post. The great hand of fate was my favorite. I may steal that and keep it around for awhile. I love it.

[Kehv]

I could be wrong but I don't think anyone could just drop people they have been dating for 7,5 years just like that. I'm almost certain he will contact you, if not you got a real heartless guy and this might be the best thing to happen to you.

[LostInNC]

I could be wrong but I don't think anyone could just drop people they have been dating for 7,5 years just like that. I'm almost certain he will contact you, if not you got a real heartless guy and this might be the best thing to happen to you.

 

I hope he contacts me but I am leaning towards him being heartless it has almost been a month and not a peep out of him. Thank you though!

[AT15]

I'm sorry. Please know, based on my own heartache and many others, it will improve.

 

Do you remember when Jennifer Aniston was publicly dumped by Brad Pitt. Can you imagine her pain? We are anonymous, but her humiliation and heartache echoed through ou the world.

 

And now she is happily married with an EVEN better man, and Angelina lost her breasts and her ovaries.

 

Things may look down now, but Karma and God are on your side. You WILL get through this and you are doing great because you are going through the pain instead of avoiding it. You don't see it, but you are getting stronger each day.

[tuxedo cat]

Hey Lost, I can relate to your story and empathize with your pain. I've had similar experiences, although mine weren't as dramatic as yours. A few years ago a guy I had been in a relationship with for several months pulled the same disappearing act on me, vanishing one day without explanation, not responding to any of my messages. We even had a date planned and he stood me up for it. He also changed his relationship status on facebook to single. It was swift and brutal. I don't have your self control and I sent him a bunch of frantic messages for a few days before giving up.

 

Months later, when I had moved on, he messaged me and acted as if everything was normal. I called him on his behavior but he was defensive and said he was going through a hard time and needed to be alone. More months passed and he apologized and acknowledged what a cad he had been. I will say, though, that while it hurt like hell at the time it was fairly easy to get over because we hadn't been together that long and because he had been acting a little off in the previous days. He had already hurt me in little ways earlier in my relationship so my defenses weren't down. I can't imagine what you must be experiencing given that you were together so long and trusted him fully.

 

I agree with another poster that it's likely he has another woman lined up. In fact I'd go a step further and speculate that he may have been unfaithful for awhile before he cut you off. That would explain his remote demeanor. I think you should accept this possibility because it will allow you to see what an unworthy person he is.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm sorry.

 

I know you could totally use a break from it all.