coping with husband's weight gain

[ShatteredLady]

He's a yo-yo dieter who clearly needs education & is currently at a big size. He does fad, extreme dieting to please & then puts on more weight than he's lost.

 

I read but didn't comment at that stage. It must be very hard for BOTH of them.

 

The thread now includes people who have medication induced weight gain & 10lbs of repulsive man boobs.

 

I've worked with & supported people who are choosing between constant crippling pain & medications like Lyrica, Gabapentin etc. Would you rather the person you LOVE is skinny or living in chronic pain, mental or physical?

There are people who are considering stopping medications that have 'given them their lives back', people who were considering suicide before they found their med regimine, simply because those meds put so much weight on. I never understood those patients! After reading how conditional some marriages are I understand them a little better.... Breaks my heart!

[Be_Strong]

It's not really fair to be comparing 5 or 10 weight gains. The OP in this thread's husband packed on more than 50 lbs. That is an unreasonable weight gain and there is no excuse for that.

 

 

When someone packs on that much or greater weight since getting with their spouse, they waive their expectation to have their spouse still find them attractive and desirable.

I pretty much agree with everything oldshirt has pointed out in this thread. But I wanted to add that the problem of excessive weight gain here is not solely a matter of physical attraction. In this case its also a negative personality trait that causes a lack of attraction. A personality that can lay around the house eating excessively and doing nothing to take care of themselves physically is simply not desirable--even if gifted with naturally good looks. Contrast that with a person who is motivated to be healthy, active and fit--even if not naturally gifted with good looks can be attractive based solely on that personality trait.

 

If there is a genuine medical condition that is out of a spouse's control (let's say for example the spouse gets in a car accident and becomes disfigured in some way) I would be the first to advocate for "for better or worse." But when something is completely within one spouse's control, and that spouse does not address it--it is much harder for the other spouse to accept.

[Livin&Learnin]

Wow! I haven't checked back here in several days and there have been so many responses. At this point, I have not read each and every reply (as some seem to pertain to other issues from what I originally was asking) however, I will say that MY circumstance has nothing to do with a spouse who has gained the usual 10 or 20lbs due to aging etc...

 

 

My spouse has gained around 70lbs since we were first married. I believe he was about 180 when we met and then hung around 210 for years - now - well, he's 250ish. About 5ft 6 1/2in tall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I stated, I have tried everything (THANK YOU to those who get where I'm coming from here!) and have done the "encouragement" - "stand beside" him thing again and again.

The few times he really attempted to lose weight - he'd drop the pounds very quickly and put them on just as fast. Now it's been about 2 years since his last attempt and that was with Weight Watchers.

 

Understand, I DO love my husband. I DO focus on his other qualities. I am not a shallow person. I agree with some of the posters who stated that he is creating health risks that WILL affect my life in a negative way. Unnecessary health risks that he could eliminate simply by taking better care of himself. I feel as his spouse and eventual caretaker, that I have a right to express my concerns with him. I also believe that as a spouse of 20 years, that I have a right to say enough is enough on the weight gain and it's time to tip the scales back. It does affect his stamina, self confidence and in turn, our sex life. I am not attracted to fat men. He was not overweight at all when we met. Believe me, I am not exactly the same as I was 20 years ago either. I realize that. However, I have worked hard at exercising and watching what I put in my mouth. I do tai chi and walk miles and miles each week. Trying to stay as healthy as possible. I certainly do not expect studness LOL What I'm hoping is that he'll wake up and see how far he's gone down a bad path and try to make some positive changes.

 

 

Anyway, over the past few days he has put up a chart (with my help and direction) on the frig that will track his weight. He has agreed that he needs to "get back on track". I had a gentle talk with him about the many ways that this issues is affecting our marriage and our future.

 

He also met with a counselor this week. Hopefully, this guy can help him work through any mental road blocks as to why he hasn't been able to lose the weight and keep it off and more so WHY he overeats so much to begin with.

 

 

It's a start! Thank you all for your comments!

[Mr. Lucky]

But when something is completely within one spouse's control, and that spouse does not address it--it is much harder for the other spouse to accept.

 

I think two things are being confused here.

 

There is no mandate to accept a spouse's excessive weight gain. Like any other self-determined deal breaker, obesity in a previously thin and/or fit spouse may be cause to exit the relationship.

 

But if love and attachment contributes to your decision stay, a different kind of acceptance becomes primary - you accept it's not your battle to fight. You give up nagging, control, bribery and shaming and you find other reasons and qualities to love. There's no dig or comment you can make that your spouse hasn't already told his or herself and so you support rather than tear down. And you do so with the understanding you may have to ask for the same grace someday - hair falls out, wrinkles form, health fails.

 

So L&L, first ask yourself if you still want to be married to your overweight spouse. Then ask if you want to be happily married to him. Those are two separate questions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Myragal]

Your doctor says he should be 170 to 180 tops?

 

If he was on our ward...at 5'7 he should be 160 tops...preferably 140 to 155.

 

He's going to be incapacitated or die young. Your choice to tie your life to his choices or not.

 

Personally I only have one life to live. If a man didn't care about his health then I would not be with him. I would be there forever for him if he had an issue that was out of his fate...but not one that was lifestyle related.

 

Unlike others, I don't find it noble 'to be there' for a partner after they have had every opportunity to take better choices. If married I would give it a year or so, not be some martyr sacrificing my life.

[OldRover]

Livin&Learnin,

 

Great start, and that's exactly what you need. He needs your support and a change of life style, promoting better health and weight control.

 

I know it's possible, I've seen people do it and stay slim for a long time, but it does take a permanent change of lifestyle. And it CAN be fun and exciting. You can possibly develop a few health exercises to to... walks, biking, kayaking, and a host of other things that can be fun.

 

And you CAN substitute the unhealthing eating with some health snacks. There's lots of things, but it WILL take and effort, and it WILL be worth it.

 

It's amazing how good life is when you're fit, and you probably know that.

 

Keep us posted.

[xxoo]

Anyway, over the past few days he has put up a chart (with my help and direction) on the frig that will track his weight. He has agreed that he needs to "get back on track". I had a gentle talk with him about the many ways that this issues is affecting our marriage and our future.

 

He also met with a counselor this week. Hopefully, this guy can help him work through any mental road blocks as to why he hasn't been able to lose the weight and keep it off and more so WHY he overeats so much to begin with.

 

 

It's a start! Thank you all for your comments!

 

It's a very good start.

 

If you can, encourage him to make changes slowly and adjust to each change to make it a permanent lifestyle change before adding another. So many people burn out and give up on "diets" and "workouts". He needs a whole lifestyle shift, and that is done in steps over time.

[Myragal]

It's a very good start.

 

If you can, encourage him to make changes slowly and adjust to each change to make it a permanent lifestyle change before adding another. So many people burn out and give up on "diets" and "workouts". He needs a whole lifestyle shift, and that is done in steps over time.

 

No. It's not a good start. It's a waste of more of her life. He's had a couple decades to take charge of his life.

 

We act as if these are children. They are not. Substitute the word drugs or alcohol for a problem that is equally destructive...chronic obesity. Initially we may try to help...then after 2 years? 5? 10? 20? We would not encourage more fruitless 'loyalty'. This is completely up to HIM, not her anymore. She should not be one bit invested in encouraging him to do anything. It will not work. His is not a new issue. He knows he has a problem and has made the choice to do nothing.

 

Again her decision to stay in this lifestyle relationship or end it. Accept someone is an alcoholic, addict, obese or 'whatever'. Nobody is going to change him. He will get more inactive, have major health issues and die this way.