coping with husband's weight gain

[Lois_Griffin]

Similar to men in the same situation... you can't. Telling your husband that he's fat when he knows he's fat isn't really going to solve anything. It's just going to hurt his confidence and his faith in his relationship with you.

 

That being said, he's made it clear that he wants to lose weight and be healthier, so you can continue to try to find ways to support him in it.

I don't get that at ALL from what the OP has written.

 

She's basically done everything but put a freakin' food monitor on the guy and he still continues to over-indulge himself knowing full well he looks extremely unattractive.

 

SAYING he knows he needs to lose weight means nothing. He's known it for the last 20 years. But continuing to stuff himself with garbage every single day kind of negates whatever lip service he's giving the OP about 'wanting' to lose weight and eat healthy. he clearly doesn't.

 

I get it, OP. You've already tried everything in the book from cooking healthy meals to packing healthy lunches to jogging alongside him to appealing to him about his health.

 

None of it has worked.

 

Now you're resigned to having to live with someone who just doesn't care what he's doing to his body or how it's affecting you and your marriage. And once again, it's YOU who has to try to fix what he refuses to try to fix himself. You must be so damned sick and tired of it.

 

I agree 100% with OldShirt. He continues to overeat and over-indulge because there have been no consequences for doing so. He gets rewarded with sex even if it isn't 5 times a week. He gets rewarded with someone constantly worrying about him and packing him lunches and running beside him.

 

Let him actually start to feel some consequences for his selfishness. maybe THEN he'll be motivated to do something.

[Got it]

All, not necessarily. It is such a tricky area to be in. While it is his body and his decision, attractiveness does impact relationships and we walk a fine line on expecting our partners to be someone who they are not to be what we want.

 

And I am also reluctant to try/believe in punishing as an attempt to get a desired outcome. I think if one loses attraction and doesn't want to have sex, then stating that is the truth. But using sex as a way to control their behavior is not any healthy than what they are doing. You can't control other people and shouldn't.

 

I don't have a solution to this problem, I grappled with it as well, but I do know that punishing, manipulating, etc. are not healthy ways to get an outcome and a lot of the time the person recognizes what you are doing and dig in their heels even more.

 

I would say addressing with a therapist for healthy/productive speaking points may be the best way to handle it. And if there is any compromising that can be done.

[Mr. Lucky]

Let him actually start to feel some consequences for his selfishness. maybe THEN he'll be motivated to do something.

 

What specifically are you proposing?

 

He is feeling the consequences through its impact on his health, confidence and self-esteem...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxoo]

You are certainly not enabling his fatness by continuing to be a good, loving wife.

 

Some things are truly out of your control. YOu can control what food you bring into the home, what activities you suggest, what support and guidance you provide, etc. You can not control what food he decides to eat. You can't. If you truly don't want to have sex with him, then don't. But if you DO want to have sex with him because you love him and you have sexual needs, it will only help him in the long run. After all, it's exercise

 

How's his erectile function? Might be a low blow, but I'd mention my concerns for his continued sexual functioning.

[TexasMan68]

There is a great documentary on Netflix called "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" that has really opened up a lot of people eyes about their eating habits. One of the people happens to be an overweight truck driver who has some serious health issues from the food he eats. Turns his life around and is a very inspiring testimony. Maybe you could watch it together.

[sandylee1]

I don't think withholding sex is the answer........ He'll loose confidence and start seeking ego strokes and validation outside the marriage........His self esteem will drop terribly.

 

And for those who think he'd have no chance pulling a woman... just ask how many times do you hear a BH saying his wife cheated and 'traded down' by having an affair with an older, short bald overweight guy?

 

When he gives the sob story of my wife won't sleep with me..

She's not attracted to me......yeah some women will fall for the sweet rejected guy and make him feel like a king.

 

Perhaps bring out some of his old photos and talk about the different sex positions you were able to do back then ....that could be a motivator.

 

And for people asking 'why' he eats so much...it's an addiction like any other. WHY does a drug addict continue taking drugs, even when they know the harm it Causes? They can't help it.

[deadelvis]

I'm in a similar situation with my partner. She was about 10 lbs overweight when we started dating 8 months ago. I didn't think it was a big deal. We were both about 10 lbs over our ideal weight. We said we would work out together and get back to our ideal weight. Well... I've lost 5 lbs. She gained another 40. A year ago she weighed 115 lbs. Now she weighs 160. I don't know what to do. Most of the weight gain is due to the medications she's on for her bipolar. I don't want to withhold sex, partially because she already has a lower libido, but also because I know it would really hurt her self-esteem if I stopped being interested in sex. Last night she offered me a BJ and I said I was too tired. She was confused and seemed hurt. But I don't know what to do. I'm actually embarrassed to go out in public with her know. When I see thin women it makes me depressed. She used to be a perfect 10 and a professional model. Now she just looks like another fat american. We talked about it last night and she asked if I was falling out of love. I lied. I said no. We talked about her weight, and she said she would rather feel mentally stable and medicated than be thin and sexy. I didn't have the heart to tell her that her real options are being medicated, fat and single or being fit, loved and healthy. She is now the fattest woman I've ever had sex with, by far. If I could post the "before and after pictures" of her in her bikini it would break your heart. She was a professional nude model with thousands of fans and thriving career, now I cringe when she takes her clothes off.

[TexasMan68]

Who cares if he loses his self esteem, if he's given up on himself and his appearance I hardly think he has any at at this point. Life is a real bitch sometimes but at the end of the day he needs to understand he's becoming a poster child for heart disease and whatever disease comes with being obese. Not saying he is now but he will be soon if the cycle continues. He's being lazy plain and simple and killing himself with that disgusting food. Give him a goal, for every 10 lbs. he loses he can have sex with you!! If he goes elsewhere to get it then you'll see truthfully where his heart is. Its time to quit being a mom to him and tell him to take responsibility for his present condition.

[Lion Heart]

I do believe he is aware that his being so overweight has decreased my sexual attraction to him. I guess I'm assuming that after being together for so many years - I mean it is common sense right...how could he not know? He himself isn't attracted to heavy women. He knows that keeping reasonably fit and healthy is important to me and is very aware of how his weight gain has impacted his energy level and confidence.

How can I "lay it on the line" ? Without sounding shallow or uncaring. Your points are so very valid - I just don't know how to craft the delivery.

 

I am responding to the "how could he not know" comment. Maybe because you haven't told him?

 

I am not an advocate for calling anyone fat and I'm gonna come straight out with it. This is HIS problem. If he's a yo-yo dieter to THIS extreme he has issues he hasn't dealt with from his FOO or developed since your M. Still not within your control. Definitely within your INFLUENCE though!

 

I suspect the following may help:

1) seeing a counsellor to discuss, unpack and SOLVE this dysfunctional relationship with food.

2) positive reinforcement for making healthy choices. Sounds horrible I know! (I'm a real communicator so I have trouble with this suggestion myself but your situation is a hard nut to crack)

But many people behave in particular ways BECAUSE they get more attention. It doesn't matter if it's negative attention (including less sex) but ATTENTION period. Stop talking about this world of food with him. If he "confesses" to overeating then say "your CHOICE", shrug your shoulders and ignore him.

WHEN he makes ANY healthy choice go overboard! Smile and be so excited and happy. Congratulate him etc. I believe you've probably done this all through his other attempts that's why Number 1 is essential.

3) There is a 12 step program Overeaters Anonymous.

4) Tbh as I am a realist. I would have to be honest about my attraction to other men.

 

WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T HAVE AN AFFAIR.

 

IF YOU see no headway and know it's a hopeless cause to the point of wanting sex with OM then separate. Do not put your family through the scorched earth of infidelity. It's not "fun". It's sh**. I can see you swaying this way and it's a very lazy cop out. Either communicate honestly and continue to work this crap out or leave. There are no excuses for cheating but I can see you beginning to bank the justifications up. Dangerous territory.

 

Basically withholding the state of the M from your perspective is much crueler than honesty. And "I'd rather be slapped in the face with the truth than kissed with a lie". He needs to know SOMEHOW that his body is turning you off. I'd tell him in the MILDEST way imaginable.

 

Lion Heart.

[Mr. Lucky]

Give him a goal, for every 10 lbs. he loses he can have sex with you!!

 

If you've ever dealt with this, you'll understand this is exactly the wrong approach. If you make everything, weight included, about sex then you make intimacy the battleground for every problem.

 

Livin&Learnin, you're going to have to separate weight from his other qualities as a husband. None of us is perfect...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

If my husband said we could have sex for every 10 pounds I lost, I'd file for divorce immediately. I've never heard of anything so cruel and insulting. You don't treat someone you love like this.

[OldRover]

If my husband said we could have sex for every 10 pounds I lost, I'd file for divorce immediately. I've never heard of anything so cruel and insulting. You don't treat someone you love like this.

 

That's a pretty extreme reaction to a mistake. She has been told it's not a good idea, and will probably re think it.

 

People make mistakes, and this on it pretty minor.

Edited November 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed insult ~6

[nom_de_plume]

I've tried being honest with my husband about his weight gain but it hasn't done any good. I'm in better shape now than I was when we married and he gained weight. He wasn't in great shape when we married but it didn't bother me. He was within his normal range. His initial weight gain was attributed to quitting smoking. But it's been a long time since he quit and he hasn't dropped the weight. Granted he's 10 pounds overweight but the belly and man boobs gross me out and he gets winded during sex. He cooks healthy meals for us. I think it's just a combination of genetics and the junk food he eats outside of the house. He could easily lose the belly if he just added 30 minutes of cardio a few days a week but he doesn't want to do that and he's admitted to it. And I'm not even saying that he has to look like a super model. But there's only so much I can do and say. I can't force him. We don't have kids and he's a teacher so he has a lot of time off so there's really no excuse. At this point, during sex, I just close my eyes and think of someone else because it's the only way I can get turned on and I certainly don't want to cheat or deny him sex.

[newmoon]

you can't force weight loss or lifestyle changes on anyone, even someone you're married to and cook for - it's on them to be self-motivated. your concerns are incredibly shallow though, and not much attention is being given to how come he might be gaining weight. weight gain comes with aging, so that is part of it, a slower metabolism. he could be depressed in his job, or because he is away from you/your family on the road, he could have the onset of something medical, or maybe he doesn't care about impressing you because he is falling out of attraction for you as well. just because you think you look good body-wise doesn't mean you're awesome in all meaningful areas. the fact that you're nagging on the weight could actually lead to more weight gain. there are lots of reasons you should be concerned for him, and not just because he likes fast, oily foods. he's probably got issues you're completely overlooking because of your own issue with his size.

[nom_de_plume]

I think it's definitely wise to look at the reasons as to why he's gaining weight. However, it's very possible that he may just not care about it. Where I live, obesity is very common and many people around here don't care enough to want to do something about it. However, I don't think it's shallow to want to be physically attracted to your spouse. And it's not unreasonable to want someone to be a normal, healthy size.

[OldRover]

I think it's definitely wise to look at the reasons as to why he's gaining weight. However, it's very possible that he may just not care about it. Where I live, obesity is very common and many people around here don't care enough to want to do something about it. However, I don't think it's shallow to want to be physically attracted to your spouse. And it's not unreasonable to want someone to be a normal, healthy size.

 

You are very reasonable in your wants. You may not be able to force him but you might be able to put him in an environment and mind set so that he does improve.

 

Work with him... perhaps some fun exercise together. Work hard on helping him replace the unhealthy eating with good eating.

 

Try to give him encouragement and positive encouragement to help him succeed. Good luck.

[beatcuff]

However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to remain physically attracted to him due to his long-term battle with being overweight....We have been together for 21 years and married for 19 yrs....I don't know what else to try and I'm afraid of him gaining even more weight. I also carry tremendous guilt for being so turned off by his body. This is hard to admit, but lately, I've caught myself looking at other men because they are in fit shape.

Any advice?

 

wow, seriously? i mean i could written (and sort of did) a nearly identical post (except i am the man). while many have given 'suggestions' which the OP, myself and others have tried numerous times, altering, repeat and ending up right back to square 1.

 

i assume OP that when your H is more weight appropriate he is attractive to you, making this all more frustrating. well it's worse: during MC my W admitted if i left she would lose the weight: a/k/a 'being used'.

 

i think what all have missed is the bold. i share your frustration, guilt; i have been approached too many times by women: making the frustration then guilt even worse...

 

you can try MC/IC, but in the end the therapist (after giving you all the suggestions you have already tried) will attempt to get YOU to change or at least try to find the good and mitigate the bad.

 

so what to do ---- OP sorry i have nothing. this battle, which i now realize will never be won, has left me exhausted.

 

the best part is when you finally either leave or have an A --- you will be the bad 'guy'.

[deadelvis]

wow, seriously? i mean i could written (and sort of did) a nearly identical post (except i am the man). while many have given 'suggestions' which the OP, myself and others have tried numerous times, altering, repeat and ending up right back to square 1.

 

i assume OP that when your H is more weight appropriate he is attractive to you, making this all more frustrating. well it's worse: during MC my W admitted if i left she would lose the weight: a/k/a 'being used'.

 

i think what all have missed is the bold. i share your frustration, guilt; i have been approached too many times by women: making the frustration then guilt even worse...

 

you can try MC/IC, but in the end the therapist (after giving you all the suggestions you have already tried) will attempt to get YOU to change or at least try to find the good and mitigate the bad.

 

so what to do ---- OP sorry i have nothing. this battle, which i now realize will never be won, has left me exhausted.

 

the best part is when you finally either leave or have an A --- you will be the bad 'guy'.

 

I'm right there with you. When she was fit and thin she was the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Now, less than a year later she is tipping the scales almost 50 lbs. heavier. I don't know what to do.

 

And it makes things worse that I'm getting more attention from women than ever before. I barely leave the house, but every time I do, women are checking me out and trying to flirt with me. Last night when I was picking up dinner I had a gorgeous girl trying to get my attention and flirt with me. I'm loyal to my girlfriend, so I just ignored her... but there's something depressing about giving the cold shoulder to a knockout blonde and then going home to my fat girlfriend.

 

I don't wand to be a shallow jerk who dumps his partner for getting fat... but I also don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is huge. So far she shows no signs of losing weight, in fact she seems to be heading fast toward obesity. Obese for her height is considered 190 lbs. I've made a deal with myself that no matter how much I love her, if she reaches 190 lbs. I'm leaving. I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who is obese when I could be dating 110 lb models. At this rate she should reach obesity within six months. The really sad thing is if she could get her weight under control and get herself back down to 120 lbs. I'd probably marry her.

 

I've been trying to see her inner beauty. But her physical beauty was one of the main things that attracted me to her. Watching that slip away has been extremely depressing. I used to have a really high libido. Now I don't even want to have sex with her. Seeing her naked disgusts me.

[nom_de_plume]

Deadelvis,

While I agree with you about the weight issue, I think one thing you have to keep in mind is that looks will fade. Yours will, too. So if you go for a supermodel now, the likelihood of her staying that way 5 or 10 years right now is very slim, particularly since I've noticed that many people let themselves go once they get married. What I think is reasonable is having your spouse/partner take care of him/herself - hygiene, weight, diet - they're all important. Wrinkles, grey hairs, skin not as elastic - those are just part of aging.

[Nikki Sahagin]

This is a difficult matter because part of why we choose our partners is because we are sexually and physically attracted to them.

 

Although our partners will age, gain weight and physically change, it is of course still possible for us to be attracted to them.

 

This becomes difficult when our partner literally lets themselves go completely.

 

Ultimately, there is nothing that you can do to make him lose weight.

 

You can explain to him how you feel; that you love him but are losing attraction to him, that you are feeling attracted to other men etc but it is him who has to eat better and exercise more. It is not your responsibility and not something you can influence.

 

You can hope that by talking to your husband he will be motivated to change but you must also accept that this revelation may hit his self-esteem and he may bury his head in the sand and gain more weight.

 

Is everything else in the marriage going well?

[OldRover]

I'm right there with you. When she was fit and thin she was the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Now, less than a year later she is tipping the scales almost 50 lbs. heavier. I don't know what to do.

 

And it makes things worse that I'm getting more attention from women than ever before. I barely leave the house, but every time I do, women are checking me out and trying to flirt with me. Last night when I was picking up dinner I had a gorgeous girl trying to get my attention and flirt with me. I'm loyal to my girlfriend, so I just ignored her... but there's something depressing about giving the cold shoulder to a knockout blonde and then going home to my fat girlfriend.

 

I don't wand to be a shallow jerk who dumps his partner for getting fat... but I also don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is huge. So far she shows no signs of losing weight, in fact she seems to be heading fast toward obesity. Obese for her height is considered 190 lbs. I've made a deal with myself that no matter how much I love her, if she reaches 190 lbs. I'm leaving. I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who is obese when I could be dating 110 lb models. At this rate she should reach obesity within six months. The really sad thing is if she could get her weight under control and get herself back down to 120 lbs. I'd probably marry her.

 

I've been trying to see her inner beauty. But her physical beauty was one of the main things that attracted me to her. Watching that slip away has been extremely depressing. I used to have a really high libido. Now I don't even want to have sex with her. Seeing her naked disgusts me.

 

Dead,

 

I hear ya.... While seems like a little extra weight won't hurt, and if one is well proportioned, may not be an issue at all. But fat is fat, and it's NOT attractive. I dated a gal way back in college that was a tad on the heavy side and had no intention of doing anything about it. She was attractive, sexy and a lot of fun, but I was VERY active and she was not.... Didn't work, and within 3 years she was 300 lbs! Glad I escaped.

 

Physical attractiveness can carry itself way into the 50s 60s and 70s or older, if one just takes care of their body. I know a few older ladies that do take care of themselves and are hot. Just because one ages, doesn't mean they loose their attractiveness. But add sloppy habits, way over weight and flabby is just NOT attractive at any age.

 

Sounds like the OP does have a shot at fixing things, and hope for the best.

[ShatteredLady]

There's a HUGE difference between morbidly obese & 10lbs over weight. I'm a hapless romantic who believes that love should be blind. This post upsets me!

 

Genetics, medications, health, etc can make a huge difference. I'm lucky. Tall, naturally thin. My H is unfortunate. It takes a LOT more work for him to stay in shape. As long as he's HEALTHY why should I care? I love him. Why is this society so obsessed with anorexic skinniness & youth?? I've always found bodies & faces that carry character & life more attractive.

 

One thing my H did really well was making me feel good when I was pregnant. My son was HUGE. We joked I was so big I had my own gravitational pull!! My H complimented me on my bust & bum size. He made me feel sexy when I felt like a beached whale!

 

I think about my marriage vows a lot. Do you guys think your partners would of married you if you'd insisted on adding the 'As long as you never gain more than 5lb' clause?

 

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder. As a daughter of a Mum who's battled her weight most of her life I know how hard it is. It's soul destroying! Add to that a partner who doesn't understand, help & support....blindly LOVE their partner...I can't imagine how impossible it must be.

Depression & healthy living don't go together. I find self improvement (of any kind) so much easier when I feel 'safe', loved & secure.

 

Is it ok to feel these things about a H who looses his hair? Is that a valid divorce clause?

Don't say 'you can control your weight' for some it's so much harder than others!

 

Health is important. As a loving partner you should support the HEALTH of your loved ones. Vanity weight? OMG!! Knowing the battle, adding a partner who will threaten affairs, withholding sex, or divorce would break my heart.

 

Some of the conversations & advice here is terrible!! None of us are perfect!! If love is THAT conditional for you are you sure that long term, marriage relationships are right for you?

 

I admit I'm very insecure & bias. I suffer from genetic spine degeneration. My spine isn't pretty...my fathers spine is horrific. We can't do anything about it. The more you're cut open the less 'normally attractive' you are. I read this post & hear "You're not deserving of love because your body has changed since you were 21!". Ugh!!

 

YES! Sexual attraction can be complicated. Is a trim 25 year old always more attractive than a 60 year old? If your answer is Yes, thank god I'm not married to you!

[OldRover]

There's a HUGE difference between morbidly obese & 10lbs over weight. I'm a hapless romantic who believes that love should be blind. This post upsets me!

 

Genetics, medications, health, etc can make a huge difference. I'm lucky. Tall, naturally thin. My H is unfortunate. It takes a LOT more work for him to stay in shape. As long as he's HEALTHY why should I care? I love him. Why is this society so obsessed with anorexic skinniness & youth?? I've always found bodies & faces that carry character & life more attractive.

 

One thing my H did really well was making me feel good when I was pregnant. My son was HUGE. We joked I was so big I had my own gravitational pull!! My H complimented me on my bust & bum size. He made me feel sexy when I felt like a beached whale!

 

I think about my marriage vows a lot. Do you guys think your partners would of married you if you'd insisted on adding the 'As long as you never gain more than 5lb' clause?

 

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder. As a daughter of a Mum who's battled her weight most of her life I know how hard it is. It's soul destroying! Add to that a partner who doesn't understand, help & support....blindly LOVE their partner...I can't imagine how impossible it must be.

Depression & healthy living don't go together. I find self improvement (of any kind) so much easier when I feel 'safe', loved & secure.

 

Is it ok to feel these things about a H who looses his hair? Is that a valid divorce clause?

Don't say 'you can control your weight' for some it's so much harder than others!

 

Health is important. As a loving partner you should support the HEALTH of your loved ones. Vanity weight? OMG!! Knowing the battle, adding a partner who will threaten affairs, withholding sex, or divorce would break my heart.

 

Some of the conversations & advice here is terrible!! None of us are perfect!! If love is THAT conditional for you are you sure that long term, marriage relationships are right for you?

 

I admit I'm very insecure & bias. I suffer from genetic spine degeneration. My spine isn't pretty...my fathers spine is horrific. We can't do anything about it. The more you're cut open the less 'normally attractive' you are. I read this post & hear "You're not deserving of love because your body has changed since you were 21!". Ugh!!

 

YES! Sexual attraction can be complicated. Is a trim 25 year old always more attractive than a 60 year old? If your answer is Yes, thank god I'm not married to you!

 

 

Very good post, and a few pounds one way or the other should not make a difference. Even pleasantly plump isn't horrible.

 

My problem is that MOST overweight people are just plain lazy. They just have more intake that exercise to keep them fit and it's SO simple if one develops reasonable habits. Dirt simple, don't eat more than you can exercise away. Stay away from the junk food AND exercise. EVERYONE I know who is overweight just, plain and simple, eats too much, the wrong food, and doesn't exercise.

 

If I ate like they did, without exercise, I'd be a blimp! I learned early on that I would take care of my body, and it's dirt simple.

 

And YES, a 60 year old can be a knock out and totally attractive.

[ShatteredLady]

I should add that I come from London, New York being the closest comparison. There are a lot of American members here & life is very different! When I go home I have to consciously eat more so I don't look sickly! The USA is a culture of fast food & cars. I do understand its so much easier to be unhealthy here. They sell sizes in Texas I never knew existed!!

 

The fact remains....Anything can happen to you! You could be horrifically damaged in a car crash tomorrow! There's so much more to who we are than our figures. How do you want to be loved? That's the way you should love your partner.

 

My 62 year old aunt got married a couple of weeks ago. She was one of the most beautiful brides you've ever seen. Her H wrote his own vows & shed tears while saying them. It would melt any woman's heart. I still believe love should be blind. That's me! This world is only as cold as we make it.

[oldshirt]

There's a HUGE difference between morbidly obese & 10lbs over weight. I'm a hapless romantic who believes that love should be blind. This post upsets me!

 

Genetics, medications, health, etc can make a huge difference. I'm lucky. Tall, naturally thin. My H is unfortunate. It takes a LOT more work for him to stay in shape. As long as he's HEALTHY why should I care? I love him. Why is this society so obsessed with anorexic skinniness & youth?? I've always found bodies & faces that carry character & life more attractive.

 

One thing my H did really well was making me feel good when I was pregnant. My son was HUGE. We joked I was so big I had my own gravitational pull!! My H complimented me on my bust & bum size. He made me feel sexy when I felt like a beached whale!

 

I think about my marriage vows a lot. Do you guys think your partners would of married you if you'd insisted on adding the 'As long as you never gain more than 5lb' clause?

 

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder. As a daughter of a Mum who's battled her weight most of her life I know how hard it is. It's soul destroying! Add to that a partner who doesn't understand, help & support....blindly LOVE their partner...I can't imagine how impossible it must be.

Depression & healthy living don't go together. I find self improvement (of any kind) so much easier when I feel 'safe', loved & secure.

 

Is it ok to feel these things about a H who looses his hair? Is that a valid divorce clause?

Don't say 'you can control your weight' for some it's so much harder than others!

 

Health is important. As a loving partner you should support the HEALTH of your loved ones. Vanity weight? OMG!! Knowing the battle, adding a partner who will threaten affairs, withholding sex, or divorce would break my heart.

 

Some of the conversations & advice here is terrible!! None of us are perfect!! If love is THAT conditional for you are you sure that long term, marriage relationships are right for you?

 

I admit I'm very insecure & bias. I suffer from genetic spine degeneration. My spine isn't pretty...my fathers spine is horrific. We can't do anything about it. The more you're cut open the less 'normally attractive' you are. I read this post & hear "You're not deserving of love because your body has changed since you were 21!". Ugh!!

 

YES! Sexual attraction can be complicated. Is a trim 25 year old always more attractive than a 60 year old? If your answer is Yes, thank god I'm not married to you!

 

 

 

It's not really fair to be comparing 5 or 10 weight gains. The OP in this thread's husband packed on more than 50 lbs. That is an unreasonable weight gain and there is no excuse for that.

 

 

When someone packs on that much or greater weight since getting with their spouse, they waive their expectation to have their spouse still find them attractive and desirable.

 

 

If someone has a fetish and digs overweight people and they prefer their partners have a lot of cushion for the push'n and they hook up with and marry someone when they are already overweight, that is their business.

 

 

But when someone meets and becomes attracted to and develops a relationship with someone that is healthy and fit and then after marriage they pack on 50 or more pounds, it is unrealistic and unfair to expect them to still remain attracted to them and desire them. They have just changed to much to be realistic in expecting their partner to still desire them.

 

 

People aren't shallow or insensitive or superficial when they lose attraction for the spouse when their spouse changes that much. It is just human nature. If someone isn't attracted to fat people, they aren't going to be attracted to their partner when their partner becomes fat.