Author hotpotato Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 At 7, it makes complete sense. I sort of think the ex might have been too needy and has made him overly defensive on this topic. At 23? It's not so normal. Doesn't the daughter have friends? A romantic interest of her own? Maybe he screwed her up in his power struggle with his ex. The only solution I can see here is the daughter standing up for herself and telling dad to get his own life. I dont see her standing up now. Shes acting like a jealous gf, as though im trying to date her bf. Its not her fault. Dad has groomed her to be his surrogate gf. If you ever end up marrying this guy, be prepared for his daughter to move in with you guys. Like everyone else already said, it's weird. You should only have to deal with his daughter on family occasions/dinners. Agreed. Actually, she lives there part time. I expect to do things together occasionally, but not almost all the friggin time. He uses her presence as an excuse to invite her to everything. Then he complains when she tags along. This weekend when we were in his town and she,was hanging with us, he was asking in a roundabout way if she was gonna leave. Then later he complains that we cant flirt when shes around yet he will continue to invite her. Ooooookay. Im doing the math and trying to figure out when exactly she sees her own bf. He must have 0 balls to put up with this long term. I think we should leave daddy and daughter to themselves. Hanging with her here and there is ok, but nit most of the weekend. I dont want to suggest fun dates anymore bc they turn into family time. I blame him 100%. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I'm glad you aren't going to stick this out. It's just so f*cked. And a father making a comment about his daughter's body is totally NOT OKAY. My husband is totally sickened by the comments Donald Trump makes about his own daughter. And that's normal. Dads are not supposed to be goddamn weird about their daughter's body at all. My Mom's Dad was weird about her body. My Dad was a little weird about mine. Guess what? All completely screwed in the head. So sick. So messed up. Total Red Flag amongst all of the other red flags you have. I would describe this guy as Emotionally Incestuous with his daughter. Even speculating about her sex life? Come on! Sick business. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Before the holidays, definitely. The last thing you want is to be presented a ring on Christmas Eve and have to break up eith him then. Just be over with it and stop the games. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 There is no easy time to rip off the band-aid. Just do it ASAP. And be honest about why you are doing it, he needs a wake up call. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I'm so glad you aren't going to be posting up things like, "its our wedding night and daughter had a nightmare so now she needs to sleep between us. I thought things were getting better. WTF?" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Please do it today. We are all cheering you on!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 I'm so glad you aren't going to be posting up things like, "its our wedding night and daughter had a nightmare so now she needs to sleep between us. I thought things were getting better. WTF?" It would not be the first time she has been sammiched between us. Ok, so i talked to him. He said he took us,all together (when it was supposed to be a date) bc he had already taken me on dates. So he thought it was fine if she was there. I dont think i should have to remind him that a date is a date not a family outing. Basically, he told me i was encroaching on daddy daughter time bc i was coming on the weekends. Those werent his words, but that was the gist of it. He said since she was a kid shes been coming on the weekends. He says we spend a lot of time together. Hell, on one of our first dates SHE WAS THERE. He said if i lived with him we would do more together during the week. Ok, what would happen if she decided to spend more time with him during the week? Hes comparing our situation to dating a woman with kids who are not adults. He said he would expect them to put their kids first so he didnt make a big deal out of it. Ya but that changes when your kids are grown... He says hea been through this quite a few times. Well, no sh*t. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 So you talked to him... Did you tell him it was over? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 It would not be the first time she has been sammiched between us. Ok, so i talked to him. He said he took us,all together (when it was supposed to be a date) bc he had already taken me on dates. So he thought it was fine if she was there. I dont think i should have to remind him that a date is a date not a family outing. Basically, he told me i was encroaching on daddy daughter time bc i was coming on the weekends. Those werent his words, but that was the gist of it. He said since she was a kid shes been coming on the weekends. He says we spend a lot of time together. Hell, on one of our first dates SHE WAS THERE. He said if i lived with him we would do more together during the week. Ok, what would happen if she decided to spend more time with him during the week? Hes comparing our situation to dating a woman with kids who are not adults. He said he would expect them to put their kids first so he didnt make a big deal out of it. Ya but that changes when your kids are grown... He says hea been through this quite a few times. Well, no sh*t. Even if he laid something down like "this is my time with my daughter and we will do xyz romantic thing together while I don't talk about my daughter's body or sex life" it would have been better or at least sensical. But he keeps mashing you two together. So you are just supposed to wait until you live together to develop any good romantic sense about him. And he's been through this "many times before" including losing a marriage and still does not get it. Lost cause. Full of excuses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 (edited) He said going to that place was still his treat, and he doesnt mind. I said i would treat more but he keeps bringing the daughter. I want to treat him more but not if hes bringing daughter. Obviously, i see he cant take a hint that if i buy two tickets i mean i want to be with just him. If i say he lets....that means i just want to be with him. I shouldnt have to remind someone that im dating that i want to go on a date. We do spend time riding in his sports car and motorcycle. I told him yes we spend that time together bc there are only two friggin seats. I appreciate the time away from her, but serioualy, its not like 3 people could even fit. I feel like im dating a man who has part time custody of his 10 year old daughter. Edited December 15, 2015 by hotpotato 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 So you talked to him... Did you tell him it was over? No Ten characters Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 Oh yes, he has a physically demanding job. He says sometimes he's so tired or unmotivated he doesn't want to work out-he even has a home gym. So does he really believe he's gonna be romantic after a long day of manual labor??? Methinks not, and I wouldn't expect him to be. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 No Ten characters What's keeping you from doing what you know needs to be done? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 What's keeping you from doing what you know needs to be done? I've never broken up with anyone before. The holiday season is making it more awkward. God forbid, he surprises me with a ring on xmas! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted December 16, 2015 Author Share Posted December 16, 2015 (edited) He asked me if I spent time with my dad. He thinks I'm just jealous because my dad didn't spend time with me. It may be true, but that time has past. I'm too old to be spending every weekend or every other weekend with my dad. Maybe an occasional meeting would be fine, but i'm at the age where I have my own life and sometimes have romantic interests. I'm nearly 30, and too old to be dating dad. I think he thinks everyone who complains about this is just jealous. ETA: Maybe for the time being we can arrange something where i see him every other week when he doesn't have his daughter. Sheesh, it's like shke's 12, and he has part time custody. Heaven forbid he tell her to come over more during the weekdays. I'm tired of us all being mashed together. I don't like planning things with him anymore because semi-romantic idea becomes a family outing. I don't feel like bothering with that anymore. Edited December 16, 2015 by hotpotato 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 You're trying way to hard to understand him and make this work. How much time has he spent trying to understand you and make it work? He's quite clear about what he wants, and he simply assumes you'll be ok with it. Why not take a page from his book? Be quite clear about what you want (say, to spend an entire day alone together), and assume he'll be ok with it. If he's not, the burden is on him to deal with it. Be firm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted December 16, 2015 Author Share Posted December 16, 2015 You're trying way to hard to understand him and make this work. How much time has he spent trying to understand you and make it work? He's quite clear about what he wants, and he simply assumes you'll be ok with it. Why not take a page from his book? Be quite clear about what you want (say, to spend an entire day alone together), and assume he'll be ok with it. If he's not, the burden is on him to deal with it. Be firm. Yea, he pretty much does what he wants and expects me to be cool about it and not complain. I feel like it's out of my hands, just being hesitant to make an exit. I'm passed trying to plan things with him, unless maybe he'll start alternating weekends. ````` I actually feel bad for his daughter. While we were on the phone, I heard him tell her, "What, do you want me to be single forever." it's not her fault she's acting like a jealous girlfriend. He has been dating her for years. I thought that was mean to say since he has caused this predicament. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Yea, he pretty much does what he wants and expects me to be cool about it and not complain. I feel like it's out of my hands, just being hesitant to make an exit. I'm passed trying to plan things with him, unless maybe he'll start alternating weekends. ````` I actually feel bad for his daughter. While we were on the phone, I heard him tell her, "What, do you want me to be single forever." it's not her fault she's acting like a jealous girlfriend. He has been dating her for years. I thought that was mean to say since he has caused this predicament. He's not taking responsibility for this at all and playing both ends against the middle. He's trying to make her sound like she hangs around too much, with no prior expectation or guidance of anything different. He's the parent. He sets the tone. Even in adulthood. He's trying to make you sound jealous because of whatever FOO issues you might have when your expectations are perfectly reasonable. In fact, IMHO, they are a little soft. This isn't about your Daddy issues. It's about HIS Daddy issues! And frankly trying to work out some kind of boyfriend-custody arrangement with his daughter doesn't escape the fact that he is a) conflict-avoidant b) doesn't seem to understand how dating works and c) trying to shovel all of that responsibility on others. And D) he's effing weird. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted December 16, 2015 Author Share Posted December 16, 2015 I agree, she just doesnt know any better. Hes been dating her for nearly 2 decades, she just doesnt know any better. He has created this issue and has spent years blaming potential mates instead of taking responsibility. I agree, that the custody arrangement doesnt solve any of his problems. Hes too set in his ways now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Yeah, frankly. If you guys are on a date and he says, "Who's your Daddy?" there should be absolutely no confusing as to who he is talking to. * Disclaimer: I Hate that phrase. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted December 17, 2015 Author Share Posted December 17, 2015 Its sad when your bf says he wants to take 'you' out, and 'you' could include his adult daughter. About half of my memories of us include his daughter. I told him shes with us half he time. He brought up this past weekend, but he forgot she was around most of saturday and sunday!!! Im starting to feel single. He said it feels like im drifting away. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Ok, so whats the goal here, HP? Nine pages in and I think everyone who has posted has been unanimous in saying your bf's behavior is weird and not likely to change. So your choices are to either break up or stick it out. Seems like you are choosing the latter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted December 17, 2015 Author Share Posted December 17, 2015 (edited) Im not sticking thus one out long term. I do need to move soon before he buys me a ring... I honestly think he would. Could you inagine the honeymoon? Me: lets go to the Bahamas!!! Him: Oooh i wonder if my daughter wants to go!!!! Then later: Him: Why does she have to come? Im in the mood. Edited December 17, 2015 by hotpotato 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Im not sticking thus one out long term. I do need to move soon before he buys me a ring... I honestly think he would. Could you inagine the honeymoon? Me: lets go to the Bahamas!!! Him: Oooh i wonder if my daughter wants to go!!!! Then later: Him: Why does she have to come? Im in the mood. Is he the one ogling and commenting on women too? :facepalm: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted December 17, 2015 Author Share Posted December 17, 2015 Is he the one ogling and commenting on women too? :facepalm: That thread was abt several guys. He doesnt ogle like the guy in the restaurant i was talking about. Im starting to feel like hes taking advantage of me being laid back. Link to post Share on other sites
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