Demanding marriage or she will move out...

[smackie9]

IMO she should have stuck to her guns and followed her expectations. But it is also her mistake for caving into your expectations. Now the relationship is a competition to get their own way.

 

She needs to see that you both are clashing and shouldn't ever marry. If you both are fighting this much and over such petty things, this will never work itself out.

[chapter44]

I'm sorry but you did get married to save $200 a month that speaks volumes to about your current problems. She seems proud of being your wife and wants the world to know in addition to her values of wanting more than roommate. Are you truly wondering why she's unhappy now and hesitant to be intimate? So to sum this up you're mad because:

 

1. She wants people outside of HR department at your work to know you're married.

 

2. She wants to spend a tiny portion of her income to look nice for herself and probably you.

 

3. She travelled cross country to be with you.

 

4. She has integrity and marriage is important to her.

 

You're absolutely right she sounds awful, please get divorced right away and spend the $200 a month you'll save on cheap hookers!

[OldRover]

marriedornot,

 

If what you say is true, here's a suggestion:

 

First, tell your wife that she is the most important thing in your life and you're going to change for the better to make her the happiest wife in the world.

 

Second: Announce to everyone, friends, family and the world that you two ARE married (like you are).

 

Third: Plan for a formal wedding ceremony with all the bells and whistles that SHE wants for a happy ceremony to celebrate your marriage.

 

Fourth: YOU provide ALL of the support for the both of you. Pay the mortgage, pay for the food, cars, etc. Tell her that her money is for HER, and for future savings for both as time goes on. She can pay for her own clothes, travel to the daughter, cosmetics, etc. And at times, you should go with her to see the daughter.

 

Fifth: Get a reasonable handle on money. You clearly make enough money to do the above, unless you're stupid about money (and if that's the case, get help). When I was in the six figure plus income I provided everything for the wife, and she put 100% of her pay into savings, and over half of mine (which paid off handsomely with investments). And if you're in debt, get out of it. You pay YOUR debts. And if you can't afford the above, you're living over your means, and should downsize and spend less. You should have NO debts, except a house payment, if you're smart. You should never go into debt for travel (or any other consumer item)..... period!

 

If you can't accomplish the above and give her 110% commitment, you're probably not going to make it. YES, you'll have to do a significant turn around and totally change your attitude, and PROVE to her that you can do the job. If you do, you will be handsomely rewarded.

 

Good luck.

[CarrieT]

OP, if I were your "wife," I would leave you immediately.

 

You are being controlling and manipulative if you didn't have the financial discussions before you came to this arrangement. Just stating, "we'll figure it out later" in your mind meant YOU would take what you deemed appropriate without discussing what you both believed would be equitable.

 

Ideally, you two would have opened a third, joint account into which you both contribute a reasonable percentage towards monthly expenses. Not expenses you incurred while courting her and not monies she spends on manicures. You pay off your debt and she pays off hers.

 

Since the ship has sailed, you two might want to consider that route. Drawn the line in the sand now and start with a third account. Make a spreadsheet of the JOINT monthly expenses (utilities, food) and decide how much each should contribute. Since you are now legally married, we can assume her name is on a lease so she should benefit from a mortgage? If not, she may have recourse in that regard.

 

Talk to an accounting or personal financial planner so that this can be turned into a business issue and not a personal one.

[bathtub-row]

The more I read, the more you sound like my ex. My ex asked me a question once about why our relationship was failing. I tried to explain it to him and we ended up talking into the early morning hours -- a 6 full hours. At the end of that, he asked me the exact same question that he started the conversation out with. You see, he didn't hear what he wanted to hear. And his technique was to wear people down until he gets them to agree with him, to say what he wants to hear. I knew then that I made the right decision to leave him. Fast forward 22 years. He's now baffled as to why his son hardly ever sees him.

 

You're like this person. Unless you take the time to figure it out now, you are destined to walk around clueless, with a lot of people who'd rather not be around you.

 

Everyone here, along with your gf, is telling you the same thing but you just refuse to listen. It's not a matter of if you end up in divorce court, but when. I know you think you're great but you're not nearly as great as you think you are.

[marriedornot]

Absolutely no connection. I am not sure what is the same about that? I came here for advice. Instead I am getting trashed.

[StBreton]

I believe that her income should be a factor since mysteriously my living expenses have gone up 35 percent since she's been here. Sure I make a lot of money but I have a mortgage and taxes to pay ...

 

I spent thousands of dollars to visit her constantly. Yes, she cautioned me against spending the money, but I told her that we would figure it out later. I was just doing the best I could to visit and show her she needed to quit her job and move with me. She worked long hours for a career she "loved" but she was being treated poorly by her employer and could rarely visit me because of her "work".

 

Now, she's threatening to go back to that job field to make more money and "support me" because she thinks she needs to add money to the bottom line. I told her her happiness is far more important than more money. I don't want her working long hours and worn out all the time. Her current income is fine.

 

She freaks out and starts screaming at me when I tell her that she will never support me and can't afford to. She says that's a slap in the face. I disagree. I think I have gone unappreciated for getting her out of a bad job. Allowing her the freedom to get better hours and also getting her health insurance. She complained for months that she didn't have it (her first 90 days with her employer were not supported by insurance). So when she started looking at obamacare ...I went to my employer to see if I could add her. And we did.

 

Last night I asked her what it is that she wants. She says she wants trust and not being penny pinched. I told her she can have her own money back but she will be charged 50/50 and if she can't afford to see her daughter or pay a bill etc...I can loan her money. She asked for her pay checks over the past few months ...and I told her no. There's no "back pay" here. She took off screaming and threatening to leave. Again.

 

You've absconded with her money! Let's say her take home is $5000 per month. How many manicures and hair appts and other sundries does that come to on a monthly basis? Figure it out. Also figure out how much her contribution is to the household stuff. Return anything else over to her.

 

How is it you are expecting a pat on the back because she has a better job now?

 

And 35% is how much? What do you consider living expenses? Utilities do not go up that much with one other person.

 

 

Wow ...just wow. I'm almost without words.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm so confused, you are married. YOU ARE MARRIED. You're arguing over whether or not you wear a piece of jewellery and change your facebook status.

 

If you love this woman, change your status and wear a ring. Because she isn't gonna put up with this 'on the fence married' stuff for long, and you're in for a divorce.

 

I'm with you on the money though. It's unfair that you shouldered the expense of seeing her while dating, but now you're living together she's expecting to use her own money for frivolities without contributing towards household bills. You need to sit down, open a joint account, each pay in half of the total cost of running the house and bills and then keep the rest of your money separate, to spend as you wish.

[bathtub-row]

Here is here last thread:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/553371-i-can-t-believe-he-said-4.html

 

 

You have to read the whole thread to see it is the same story and there was another posted on Oct 3rd under yet a different name.

 

 

I have no idea what the point is. She gets the same responses in every single thread. It boggles my mind.

 

If this is true, then she should see that it would be in her best interest to leave this guy. Spending your life arguing with someone or trying to get them to see your point of view is a waste of time. If she insists on staying with this nutcase, then she needs to accept that that's how he is and stop fighting about it. Being too weak to leave is not his fault.

[Versacehottie]

Post no. 27 from Versacehottie. She called her a "bit princessy"...

 

I usually agree with V ....but not on that one.

 

Well I tend to read between the lines of what people say. Listen there is no way she's 100% "there" either to put up with this guy. I think she's rebelling:

 

"She just throws things in my face...like unexpected day trips to visit her kid or last minute "tutoring expenses" for her. She says I'm cold if I can't understand the tutoring payment"

 

And she would hardly be the first woman who thought her golddigging dreams were coming true and found herself stuck with a cheapskate. Hardly the first woman woo'd and duped! Why do you think he keeps going on about the long distance travel to see her? He's probably adding in all the wining and dining too and now she owes him like back taxes. When the premise of being together is mixed up with money usually both parties get what they deserve. She left her kid--think about it.

 

She thought she was getting some sort of better deal in him. So obviously not his personality, so figure it out. He offered to support her while she made the move. Before more of the story came out I thought we were talking about two relatively young singles. Not a mother with a junior hi or high school age daughter. Who does that?

 

They both suck

[sandylee1]

****her current income isn't fine if you are complaining about her spending..She wants more money so you can pipe down******

 

******why can't she keep her money in her own account? She's not a baby. You are too CONTROLLING********

 

*****you had to show her she needed to quit her job. ...because she can't make that decision on her own or something? ******

 

******* you kept visiting her to keep an eye on her....because you're fearful she'll leave you....or because you don't trust her?...there's a reason you spent so much going to see her and it's not love.*******

 

*****you don't for one minute show her happiness is more important than money. In fact it's the opposite *******

 

*******I think you have some fear of her doing her old job. Something makes you feel threatened about it********

 

*****you've allowed her the freedom to get another job?...can you hear yourself? Control!*********

 

For the life of me, I don't understand why she puts up with this. She must have some self esteem issues to not have exited this relationship a long time ago.

[BlueIris]

She should have control of her own income and should have her own account.

 

Be honest with her. Tell her that unless you get to control her income, she must pay 50/50.

 

Prepare a list of what those exact expenses are that she must pay half of, such as: mortgage $2,000/mo, property taxes $500/mo, electricity $200/mo, the costs you incurred travelling to visit her before she moved $500/mo, and so on.

 

Then she gets to choose.

 

Sure, she’s angry. She left her home, child, preferred career, and financial freedom to move to you. You promised to support her and to marry her. It didn’t happen. She went all in and you didn't.

 

Yes, she’s angry with you, but I bet she is primarily angry at herself for having done all of that. It’s going to cost her a pretty penny to get out and start over and she’s hurt and feels betrayed. It’s not going to be easy for her.

Edited October 27, 2015 by BlueIris

[anika99]

Well I tend to read between the lines of what people say. Listen there is no way she's 100% "there" either to put up with this guy. I think she's rebelling:

 

"She just throws things in my face...like unexpected day trips to visit her kid or last minute "tutoring expenses" for her. She says I'm cold if I can't understand the tutoring payment"

 

And she would hardly be the first woman who thought her golddigging dreams were coming true and found herself stuck with a cheapskate. Hardly the first woman woo'd and duped! Why do you think he keeps going on about the long distance travel to see her? He's probably adding in all the wining and dining too and now she owes him like back taxes. When the premise of being together is mixed up with money usually both parties get what they deserve. She left her kid--think about it.

 

She thought she was getting some sort of better deal in him. So obviously not his personality, so figure it out. He offered to support her while she made the move. Before more of the story came out I thought we were talking about two relatively young singles. Not a mother with a junior hi or high school age daughter. Who does that?

 

They both suck

 

I've read all of her threads and I don't think she's a gold digger. I do think it's very sad that she has continuously chosen this guy over her own child. I remember her very first thread where she was wailing about how she didn't think he really wanted to marry her and then she went on to describe all these abusive traits he has and how he doesn't even want her to spend any time or money on her kid. And now here we are 1 or possibly even 2yrs later listening to the same story and apparently she's still upset about the marriage thing. She is messed up because who in their right mind would want to marry this guy? You reap what you sow and right now she's not sowing a good relationship with her child.

[kgcolonel]

It really sounds like she should move out.

 

This would solve everyone's issue here.

 

OP won't have to continue supporting the GF / CLW or wear a ring or be supportive of a woman who gave up her life and moved across the country to be with a man that apparently feels no responsibility for or to her. And she can find a guy who won't :

 

Resent her wanting to see her child

Appreciate her dedication and devotion

Be proud to be MARRIED to her and want to hold her up

Treat her with honor instead of charging her rent and taking her money.

 

See.....Everyone wins!!! Problem solved.