Demanding marriage or she will move out...

[travelbug1996]

OP please let her go. You have too many issues about family, marriage and money. You are not ready to be a husband let alone a step dad.

[Versacehottie]

I just don't feel she believes in me or sees me as this amazing man that she initially met. She has doubt and she is not trusting me with the money. I see that she's unhappy and I don't think she is going to last...

 

She says she loves me with all her heart but I just don't buy it. If she did...she wouldn't question the money situation and she would follow my lead.

 

She just throws things in my face...like unexpected day trips to visit her kid or last minute "tutoring expenses" for her. She says I'm cold if I can't understand the tutoring payment...but I say...that's what child support is for!

 

And she's mad because she doesn't see her daughter on certain weekends. Ok let me ask here. The girl has volleyball. She loves with her dad. In order to come with us..on my finances "weekend" she would have to travel and skip the game. I refuse to pay hotel and stay there just for volleyball weekends. So my fiancé gives up those weekends because I don't think we can afford all this travel. Am I wrong for that??? She thinks that she should be able to visit despite the cost.

 

Oh my god!!! If you are SO good with money, how come you can't figure this out??? By my estimates you make at least $190K and did you say Arizona? How much can a southwest flight out of there be? And she is giving up her weekends with her kid?!!! You are not being partners with each other.

 

I sense from way you are describing it she wants her cake and to eat it too. She likes acting a bit princessy and dependent when it serves her and not when it doesn't. And you want to be controlling. If she has a daughter from previous relationship, it's pretty f8cked up that you wouldn't support her in trying to see her rather than have her give up her weekends with the kid. Surely a guy who's great with money can figure out how to squeeze out a couple of southwest flights and a motel 6!!! Ok, so maybe she should use the money she makes to go and leave you at home. Why do i get the feeling that's not acceptable to you either? You sounded quite put off at 'wasting" your weekend that way.

 

I'm no child support expert, but no that is NOT what child support is for BTW. By my limited understanding, if she moved away from the area, she obviously needs to pay to get back there to take advantage of her weekends or pay to bring the kid to her. Also if the kid is living full time with the dad, more than likely your fiance owes him child support. Oh and not sure if it's different state to state but if you combine finances and are married, then she may owe more child support because the base is bigger due to your income, ie effectively you will be paying the child support. I know someone that happened to. All things you should check out since they obviously will upset you greatly.

[katiegrl]

I don't see her as "princessy" at all!

 

I see her as standing up for herself against a very controlling, dominant, cheap, and selfish man who doesn't keep his promises, and then blames her for daring to confront him, and demand an equal say and respect!

 

She has a kid, she wants to see her kid for chrissakes. But the OP says no because he doesn't want to spend HIS money, which includes HER money, to travel so she can see her own child?

 

What is that??

 

I am so appalled, words cannot even describe....

[kilgore]

I don't see her as "princessy" at all!

 

I see her as standing up for herself against a very controlling, dominant, cheap, and selfish man who doesn't keep his promises, and then blames her for daring to confront him, and demand an equal say and respect!

 

She has a kid, she wants to see her kid for chrissakes. But the OP says no because he doesn't want to spend HIS money, which includes HER money, to travel so she can see her own child?

 

What is that??

 

I am so appalled, words cannot even describe....

 

I agree katie

[AndOrchid]

OP please let her go. You have too many issues about family, marriage and money. You are not ready to be a husband let alone a step dad.

 

This.

 

As mentioned earlier, you should both seek counseling if there's going to be any chance of this relationship surviving.

 

For the record, she is not handling things well either, but I can sympathize a lot more with her than with you. It sounds like she has sacrificed a lot to be with you and putting up with a lot of controlling behaviour but not getting the one thing she wants.

 

Let me get this straight:

• She wanted to be married before living together but she agreed to live with you before even being engaged and even though her family disapproves because that's what you wanted

• She moved across the country, leaving her family and friends behind, so she could live with you

• She agreed to give you control of her money and puts up with you telling her where she can or cannot spend it

• She is not seeing her child because you think it's too expensive

 

Meanwhile, you get to drag your feet about marrying her, tell her that she can't tell people you are married even though you actually are, and get to control her income. And you are now wondering how to get through to her; how dare she demand anything in return?

 

If I were her, I would separate my account asap. I also wouldn't be surprised if she is hiding money from you. Why shouldn't she? At this point, she is dependent on you and isolated from her family. Sounds very unhealthy.

[S2B]

I think she should move back - closer to her child which she should be seeing at least 4-5 days a week.

 

You can wait.

 

She's making poor choices as a Mother.

 

And you make almost 200K between the two of you and she can't travel every weekend If she want to?

 

Something is terribly wrong with your budget if you can't afford that.

 

Reduce your personal debt.

[AndOrchid]

Oh, and I'm not sure why she should trust you with her money anyway, given that you keep talking about this big debt you have accumulated despite your high-paying job and penny pinching ways.

[Ami1uwant]

I know others have said this but you are trying to be one controlling $&@)($&@..

 

 

First of you say you make way more money than her $90K so what is the issue with a $5K dental bill?? You cheap....

 

This is what you should have had was dental insurance.....$5000 is normal girl just about anything extensive needing yo be done.

 

You are separating her from her child...ohh by the way if she is the primary parent of her daughter your income gets factored into her college financial Sid.

 

You don't want to have a real marriage with her....that is supposed to show your love for her. Her family doesn't like you. I'm still trying to figure out how you qualified for a common law marriage.

 

The other big mistake us wanting her to put her money in your account...I'm sorry but that is controlling. You open a joint account where each deposited dome money. My rule of thumb it should be proportional to the income you make in terms of dividing up living expenses

 

You better be careful since this is a common law marriage she can divorce you and likely get a boatload of money from you with a good lawyer if you make much more than she does.

[StBreton]

I don't see her as "princessy" at all!

 

I see her as standing up for herself against a very controlling, dominant, cheap, and selfish man who doesn't keep his promises, and then blames her for daring to confront him, and demand an equal say and respect!

 

She has a kid, she wants to see her kid for chrissakes. But the OP says no because he doesn't want to spend HIS money, which includes HER money, to travel so she can see her own child?

 

What is that??

 

I am so appalled, words cannot even describe....

 

Oh the voice of reason. Yes yes ^^^^ Nor do I think she is "dependent"

 

I couldn't figure out where that premise came from in the post of which you quoted

[katiegrl]

Oh the voice of reason. Yes yes ^^^^ Nor do I think she is "dependent"

 

***I couldn't figure out where that premise came from***

 

in the post of which you quoted

 

Post no. 27 from Versacehottie. She called her a "bit princessy"...

 

I usually agree with V ....but not on that one.

[kilgore]

Post no. 27 from Versacehottie. She called her a "bit princessy"...

 

I usually agree with V ....but not on that one.

 

This poor woman.

[StBreton]

Post no. 27 from Versacehottie. She called her a "bit princessy"...

 

I usually agree with V ....but not on that one.

 

Oh I know from which post it came ..."a bit...princessy and dependent" ...I didn't convey my meaning well of my questioning how V came up with that premise ...sorry

 

and I'm with you ...I usually agree 100% with Versace's posts ...but not on this area

Edited October 27, 2015 by StBreton

[joseb]

Oh I know from which post it came ..."a bit...princessy and dependent" ...I didn't convey my meaning well of my questioning how V came up with that premise ...sorry

 

and I'm with you ...I usually agree 100% with Versace's posts ...but not on this area

 

Actually I think she sounds a bit histrionic - the constant "you ruined my life" is typical (though I think she might have a bit of a case here!) and the ultimatums, etc.

 

But to be honest, the more I hear the more I'm convinced it's the OP in the wrong 95+%.

 

OP, why do you want to be with this woman? Everything you describe sounds like you really don't like her much at all. Never mind love her, or want to marry her.

 

It's borderline unbelievable to be honest.

[sandylee1]

Well the other problem is she told me during dinner the other night that she needed 5k worth of dental work. I told her this was insane and to pick a problem. We can't be planning a wedding and paying down debt when she is wracking up more bills. The fight ended with me telling her we were done. Mainly because she told me she would take a better paying job (with more travel) to support our bills better. Slap in my face! I told her if she did that...she could pay for her own new house then! She ran for the door screaming that she ruined her life moving to be with me.

 

I told her if she walked out the door she could never ever return. Of course she didn't leave, but I was so mad I told her we were DONE!

 

She begged me not to be so mad. She was drunk....after hours of fighting. She says all she wants is peace. But telling me she will support ME? That's a slap in the face.

 

She took the step of moving across the country with you and said she'd only do so with marriage on the table....I agree with her 100%.

I WOULD never move like that unless there was a definite plan with a date.

 

Depending on what her family are like and their values, they may think their daughter is being used. My family would not be impressed either.

 

When you try and hide the marriage, it gives the impression you are not proud of it and if I were her I would also be fuming. I would also think I've made a big mistake, by moving and now you seem to be back peddling.

 

All this for $200.?? .. You may think you are being financially astute but it seems more like scrooge to me.

 

And yes...until I'm acknowledged as a wife, I would also want my own account.

 

BTW the money you spent on visiting her is YOUR debt. Unless there was an agreement that you both paid the travelling costs.

 

Women need to spend money to look good as well and if my spending was scrutinised like this I'd get pi**ed off too.

 

Now she says she'll get a better paying job to bring more cash in ....and you're not happy...why??

 

Money is in the top few reasons for marital breakdown...so find a way to have joint finances..but also some of your own money seperate....for both of you.

 

 

I'd be regretting the day we married if I was her because if she ups and leaves.....a divorce must happen.......I'd feel rejected by you. No wonder she doesn't want sex twice a day....She'll be loosing the connection because of your behaviour.

 

I'm not sensing that you love her at all from your posts up till now (first page ).....maybe divorce is your best option as you feel forced.

 

Marriage is not about saving a couple of grand a year you know .

[CC12]

She is making 90k a year, but I have to pay off all the debt I incurred traveling to see her when we were dating.

 

You seem to be using this as your justification for controlling her money, but I really don't think she's responsible for your careless spending that took place before you were married. It was your own foolish choice to go into debt visiting her. You shouldn't be using any of her money to pay that off. If she agreed to help you with this debt, that was very generous of her.

 

And after we filed the documents at the courthouse ...she was angry that I didn't treat it as a "big deal".... she was very weird about the whole thing.

 

Yes, it was my idea...but I made it clear even though the state thinks we are "married" ...I do not believe we are..... and we shouldn't tell people.

 

I doubt you were as clear as you believe you were. If she was on board with keeping your "fake" marriage a secret, why did she do a complete 180 by wanting to post about it on Facebook and tell her family? Why did she get so upset that you said it wasn't a "REAL" marriage? I mean, is she unstable? Is she crazy? Or did she not really realize what she was getting herself into?

 

You know, that seems to be a recurring theme in your relationship - her trusting what you say and then being disappointed when you go back on your word. Examples:

 

-She didn't want to live together until after marriage, you convinced her to do it anyway, and she apparently believed that marriage would happen soon. You disappointed her.

 

-She agreed to let you control the finances because you promised her (your word) that she could still spend freely, yet you "hit the roof" when you saw how much she was spending on personal care, and you don't allow her to visit her daughter as much as she wants to. You broke your promise and disappointed her.

 

-You "had casually said fall of 2015 and she's angry this has come and gone." She thought you two would have been married by now. She's disappointed.

 

-She agreed to get married for financial reasons and was excited and happy that you two were finally married, but then you pulled that rug out from under her and informed her that it wasn't a real marriage and to please not tell anyone. How profoundly disappointing that must have been for her. Sad.

 

It's like you'll just tell her whatever works in order to further your wants and you have no intention of backing up your word.

 

When I told her that I felt she was trying to frame me -- she went nuts.

 

I don't even know what that means. In what way do you think she was trying to frame you?

 

I make FAR more than she does ...and while she is supplementing my income -- it's weird that she wants to separate now. What is that about?

 

It's not weird. It's sensible. You say you're not really married. Okay, fine, let's pretend that's accurate. Why on earth should she deposit all of her money into your account? How does it benefit her? Seriously, how?

 

Her family dislikes me now and says they don't approve of our living situation.

 

You can't be surprised that people don't like you when you behave unfairly and unreasonably.

[sandylee1]

I just don't feel she believes in me or sees me as this amazing man that she initially met.

 

 

*****she's seeing your true colours. A controlling man *******

 

I don't think she is going to last...

 

******I agree ********

 

She says she loves me with all her heart but I just don't buy it. If she did...she wouldn't question the money situation and she would follow my lead.

 

*****follow your lead because she doesn't have a mind of her own *****

 

She just throws things in my face...like unexpected day trips to visit her kid or last minute "tutoring expenses" for her. She says I'm cold if I can't understand the tutoring payment...but I say...that's what child support is for!

 

***** you have no understanding of being a parent ********

 

 

And she's mad because she doesn't see her daughter on certain weekends. Ok let me ask here. The girl has volleyball. She loves with her dad. In order to come with us..on my finances "weekend" she would have to travel and skip the game. I refuse to pay hotel and stay there just for volleyball weekends. So my fiancé gives up those weekends because I don't think we can afford all this travel. Am I wrong for that??? She thinks that she should be able to visit despite the cost.

 

Yes you are wrong. If you don't want to see her daughter..then she can go alone. Your making her give up time with her daughter.....just listen to yourself.... "my finances"....."I refuse to pay. ..."..."she should follow your lead"..... it's all about you and money.

 

Your obsessed with money and I can't imagine how regretful and disappointed in you she is. This fake / real marriage will not end well. Let her find happiness with a man who sees her as equal......because you clearly don't .

 

A stingy man is very very difficult to live with.

 

I wonder how you have got on in other relationships and if money has ever been an issue.

 

All the money in the world won't make you happy if you're on your own......think about it.

[oldshirt]

do you yell out your own name during sex??

 

 

 

 

Is the best sex of your life when you masturbate infront of the mirror?

 

 

You are very self centered and self absorbed. Your main issue here is that she isn't bowing down to your every whim and being your little Stepford Wife.

 

 

Since everything is about dollars and cents and getting your own way with everything, I honestly think you should look into the "Sugar Baby" world. Contact Robert Z here on the boards and get the lowdown on sugar babys.

 

 

I think any woman that has her own interests and objectives and wants to have any self determination is going to clash with you. You are simply wanting a little sex-minion around for your convenience. A normal, healthy woman with her own wants and needs just isn't going to work for you.

 

 

Let her go so she can find a normal guy that she can have a healthy partnership with and you can find either a sugar baby or some escorts that will be at your beck and call for a specified and negotiated budget and then you can keep to the spreadsheet.

[Keats]

Sounds like your constantly coercing her into things. At the same time not respecting her at all. Then giving her something she wants but for reasons that totally relay the message "I don't care about you, I'm doing this for money not you" how hurtful. And then expecting her to hide even that gesture, given so measily, the thing you gave to her so uncaringly in the first place. You don't know how to convey love.

 

No wonder her family hates you. No wonder she's off you.

 

You need to really stop and think.

 

Any other woman would feel duped, cheated and used by you.

 

Poor woman.

Edited October 27, 2015 by Keats

[bathtub-row]

OP, I was once married to a guy like you. Divorcing him was the best thing I ever did. It doesn't matter how sterling you think you are, deep down, you're manipulative and stingy. The best thing that could happen to your gf/wife is that she find someone else.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I just don't feel she believes in me or sees me as this amazing man that she initially met. She has doubt and she is not trusting me with the money. I see that she's unhappy and I don't think she is going to last...

 

Why should she trust you with money? You told her you'd take care of everything, then she moves in and you tell her she has to put her money in your account, but again she can spend how she spends and you'll take care of it... Then when she does exactly that, you freak out and tell her she's spending too much.

 

Plus, let's call a spade a spade here, but you're full of demands... She moves to be with you, she gives you access to her paycheck, she isolate herself from her family for you, and what have you given her? Insurance on the condition she not reveal you marry and a vague promise of a public acknowledgement of your marriage at some point... Why should she let you have access to her money? Your commitment is as intangible as the wind.

 

She says she loves me with all her heart but I just don't buy it. If she did...she wouldn't question the money situation and she would follow my lead.

 

Why are you so fixated on the money?

 

And love doesn't mean not questioning your partner. It means making some compromises, being as committed to her as she is to you. You're dropping the ball hardcore here. It's you who's running this into a ditch, not her.

 

She just throws things in my face...like unexpected day trips to visit her kid or last minute "tutoring expenses" for her. She says I'm cold if I can't understand the tutoring payment...but I say...that's what child support is for!

 

That's not what child support is for with many couples. When an extra or unexpected expense comes up, usually both people pay the overage 50/50. Or, if one parent is absent more than the other, sometimes that parent is responsible for more.

 

And she should throw in your face that you don't let her visit her child or use her own money to pay for needs that the child has. She should throw that and more in your face. It's controlling, it's making a mother choose between a man and her child, frankly, it's psychotic. And you're a grade A blankety-blank for demanding access to her money and then cutting her off from using it, especially for her child.

 

You just saved $2,400 by marrying her and refusing to acknowledge it. That's more than enough to cover several trips to see her daughter.

 

And she's mad because she doesn't see her daughter on certain weekends. Ok let me ask here. The girl has volleyball. She loves with her dad. In order to come with us..on my finances "weekend" she would have to travel and skip the game. I refuse to pay hotel and stay there just for volleyball weekends. So my fiancé gives up those weekends because I don't think we can afford all this travel. Am I wrong for that??? She thinks that she should be able to visit despite the cost.

 

Yes, she should be able to be there for her child despite the cost. She can afford it. Or she could, if her husband who refuses to admit he's her husband didn't take all of her money.

 

Your behavior is crossing over from controlling to abusive. You need to check yourself here hardcore. You want her money, her sex, her love and devotion, and you want to give in exchange no commitment, a refusal to acknowledge the marriage you have, and divide her from her child and her family. Sorry, you're the loser in this one, not her.

 

You don't think she's going to last? Thank goodness, for her sake. You're a list of demands and you bring nothing to the table, you clearly feel very little about her, you have open disgust for her child... You're not worth the hassle you create.

Edited October 27, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress

[Goodbye]

Looks to me like the money you "saved" on not getting married publicly will be spent on a divorce. Well done.

[travelbug1996]

And she was giving you sex twice a day?? Sheesh. You don't deserve the love of a woman.

[marriedornot]

I believe that her income should be a factor since mysteriously my living expenses have gone up 35 percent since she's been here. Sure I make a lot of money but I have a mortgage and taxes to pay ...

 

I spent thousands of dollars to visit her constantly. Yes, she cautioned me against spending the money, but I told her that we would figure it out later. I was just doing the best I could to visit and show her she needed to quit her job and move with me. She worked long hours for a career she "loved" but she was being treated poorly by her employer and could rarely visit me because of her "work".

 

Now, she's threatening to go back to that job field to make more money and "support me" because she thinks she needs to add money to the bottom line. I told her her happiness is far more important than more money. I don't want her working long hours and worn out all the time. Her current income is fine.

 

She freaks out and starts screaming at me when I tell her that she will never support me and can't afford to. She says that's a slap in the face. I disagree. I think I have gone unappreciated for getting her out of a bad job. Allowing her the freedom to get better hours and also getting her health insurance. She complained for months that she didn't have it (her first 90 days with her employer were not supported by insurance). So when she started looking at obamacare ...I went to my employer to see if I could add her. And we did.

 

Last night I asked her what it is that she wants. She says she wants trust and not being penny pinched. I told her she can have her own money back but she will be charged 50/50 and if she can't afford to see her daughter or pay a bill etc...I can loan her money. She asked for her pay checks over the past few months ...and I told her no. There's no "back pay" here. She took off screaming and threatening to leave. Again.

Edited October 27, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

Well the other problem is she told me during dinner the other night that she needed 5k worth of dental work. I told her this was insane and to pick a problem. We can't be planning a wedding and paying down debt when she is wracking up more bills. The fight ended with me telling her we were done. Mainly because she told me she would take a better paying job (with more travel) to support our bills better. Slap in my face! I told her if she did that...she could pay for her own new house then! She ran for the door screaming that she ruined her life moving to be with me.

 

I told her if she walked out the door she could never ever return. Of course she didn't leave, but I was so mad I told her we were DONE!

 

She begged me not to be so mad. She was drunk....after hours of fighting. She says all she wants is peace. But telling me she will support ME? That's a slap in the face.

 

Have only read the first page of this thread. First of all your gf told you she didn't want to live together without being married. You say you convinced here to move in with you anyways. I'm guessing you did that by promising her marriage in the very near future. Now it's been a year and she is not wrong to expect you to follow through on your promise. If you don't want to get married then be kind and tell her so she can get on with her life.

 

Secondly she should absolutely have her own bank account and be handling her own money. Then you and she need to sit down together and go over the bills and decide what she should be contributing. That way she knows how much she can spend. You talk like you guys are strapped for money yet she makes 90k a year and you say you make a lot more than her. You complain about her bills for hair and clothing but what are you spending the money on?

 

Lastly there is nothing wrong with your gf furthering her career and taking a higher paying position. She didn't say she was going to support you, she said she wanted to help more with bills. You sound difficult to please because on the one hand you complain about money and her spending but then you get all pissed when she offers a reasonable solution. You also sound chauvinistic and controlling. You want to call all the shots. You will take her money and you will decide how money is spent and you will decide what job she can have and you decide when you will get married.

[hotgurl]

I just don't feel she believes in me or sees me as this amazing man that she initially met. She has doubt and she is not trusting me with the money. I see that she's unhappy and I don't think she is going to last...

 

She says she loves me with all her heart but I just don't buy it. If she did...she wouldn't question the money situation and she would follow my lead.

 

She just throws things in my face...like unexpected day trips to visit her kid or last minute "tutoring expenses" for her. She says I'm cold if I can't understand the tutoring payment...but I say...that's what child support is for!

 

And she's mad because she doesn't see her daughter on certain weekends. Ok let me ask here. The girl has volleyball. She loves with her dad. In order to come with us..on my finances "weekend" she would have to travel and skip the game. I refuse to pay hotel and stay there just for volleyball weekends. So my fiancé gives up those weekends because I don't think we can afford all this travel. Am I wrong for that??? She thinks that she should be able to visit despite the cost.

 

Yes you are wrong. You are preventing her from seeing her kid due to money, I mean she makes 90K. She can see her kid whenever. personally I would leave you, you are cheap and that is not a good trait. I would never ever co mingle money with you.