Doomed to be alone?

[Protec]

I am trying to ask out a woman from real life. I have to do it. I live only once. I want to be happy.

 

I can be alone, but why be alone if you could be with someone? And no, friends don't take it away, spending time with my family doesn't take it away. Truth is, i feel lonely by myself and i don't see anything wrong with it.

 

All this talk "you need to be happy alone before you can love anybody". I call that BS.

 

If everyone would be happy by themselves and satisfied, why search love at all? Why search for a companion if you are so happy and satisfied on your own.

 

I want to have someone i can share things with. Talk about all kinds of crazy stuff. Be close to each other etc... Yeah.

[lino]

I am trying to ask out a woman from real life. I have to do it. I live only once. I want to be happy.

 

I can be alone, but why be alone if you could be with someone? And no, friends don't take it away, spending time with my family doesn't take it away. Truth is, i feel lonely by myself and i don't see anything wrong with it.

 

All this talk "you need to be happy alone before you can love anybody". I call that BS.

 

If everyone would be happy by themselves and satisfied, why search love at all? Why search for a companion if you are so happy and satisfied on your own.

 

I want to have someone i can share things with. Talk about all kinds of crazy stuff. Be close to each other etc... Yeah.

 

You are totally correct there.

 

Next time someone reels out that cliché, ask them if they've ever gone through extensive or permanent periods alone. 99.9% the answer will be no.

 

Those who say that sort of thing are those who don't know true loneliness and say it so they can give themselves a little pat on the back for saying something nice. Nothing more.

[Blanco]

I was "alone" for two years after the end of my first relationship. I was "alone" for more than two years after the end of my second relationship. I have been "alone" for nearly a year after the end of my last relationship. And I say that for most people, being happy alone first usually leads to happier, HEALTHIER relationships.

 

People who jump from relationship to relationship rarely have given their role in the relationship's end true consideration. They have not let the wounds of the love lost heal. They have chosen for the quick fix of all the warm and fuzzy feelings that accompany a new partner over the thankless, harsh feelings that usually accompany the first several months post-breakup.

 

Only in the last four to six weeks can I say I've started to feel mostly content with my life right now and comfortable with how I'm living it. I would have been doing myself and someone else a disservice had I tried to date a few months ago. I knew my relationship was over, but the wounds were still fresh and I still had a lot of emotional turmoil to work through. Virtually any relationship I would've embarked on during that time would've been doomed because I still had far too much baggage from my last relationship to give a new person a real fair shake.

 

Read the OP's posts about how he feels about his ex right now. Who in their right mind would want to date or be in a relationship with him when he's still having these feelings? I very much believe that we often attract a type of person who reflects where we are emotionally at that time. Emotionally damaged? You'l attract emotionally damaged people.

 

OP is desperate to fill a void left by his ex. And THAT is a crappy reason to want to date. Take care of yourself first, heal your relationship wounds, improve yourself and build a life that you are happy with. THEN consider bringing someone else into it. Because right now, based on what you describe, you would be bringing a girl into a chaotic, messy world right now.

[Protec]

Blanco, i know i am not ready for anything serious now. I would just like to find someone to spend time with. Nothing serious. Just to have a friend to go into movies with. Talk about things etc. Have a cup of coffee. I am not ready for anything serious. I now that and i don't want to drag anyone into this mess now.

 

I did that mistake once that i started dating too soon. I really, really learned from that. It was a mess. I was a mess. I don't want to experience that again!!!

 

I will heal myself first. But i would really just like to find someone to spend time with. No sex, just spend time now and then.

 

My EX-GF started dating already...just a month after breakup. It's a rebound most likely. I don't want a rebound. I was once used as a rebound and boy it felt bad. No one deserves that.

[schiller]

If she broke up with you it's probably not a rebound.

 

A rebound relationship is usually something that happens with the person who gets dumped- they consciously or unconsciously use the new person to dampen their feelings and hurt from the previous relationship.

 

A dumper that starts dating right away either was with this person already (and cheated on the first person) or they were over that first person for a while already so they're more than ready to get back out there and hence it's not a rebound.

[Protec]

If she broke up with you it's probably not a rebound.

 

A rebound relationship is usually something that happens with the person who gets dumped- they consciously or unconsciously use the new person to dampen their feelings and hurt from the previous relationship.

 

A dumper that starts dating right away either was with this person already (and cheated on the first person) or they were over that first person for a while already so they're more than ready to get back out there and hence it's not a rebound.

 

Well.. i don't know. She was pretty messed up about the breakup as well. She sent me all these selfies and bragged about her dates and bar trips trying make me jealous. Why? She dumped me. Why try to make me jealous?

 

I've never experienced a breakup like this where the woman acts like the dumped one while she was the dumper...

[schiller]

Yeah if she's doing all that she still has feelings for you and the new relationship is probably doomed.

 

Oh well not your problem anymore.

 

Unless she comes knocking when everything crashes with new guy.

[Protec]

Yeah if she's doing all that she still has feelings for you and the new relationship is probably doomed.

 

Oh well not your problem anymore.

 

Unless she comes knocking when everything crashes with new guy.

 

Well, i haven't heard from her in a month anymore. A month ago she came to me and got last of her stuff out from my place. After that, nothing.

[Blanco]

I think your problem is that you're full of contradictions. You say you only want someone to hang out with, talk to, go to the movies with, etc., yet you're on dating sites looking for these people. What's the problem with just doing these things with guy friends? Why must it be a woman?

 

Most women aren't going to buy that a guy is ONLY looking for a friend. At the very least, most will suspect you want to at least get physical with them. Those suspicions aren't usually totally unfounded.

 

I think in your case, you just need to be social right now, but with other guys. You're stressing this female companionship thing way too much. If you're really just looking for some companionship, don't worry if it's a woman or not. Because in your vulnerable state, I promise you that if you meet a woman under the guise as "friends," and then feel ANY connection with her, you will fall hard for her. That's probably the last thing you need right now.

[Jenmarie]

It's not because you're "too geeky" for women. I love video games. It's something I'm extremely passionate about. However, I feel like you should try to meet people that are interested in the things you are. Don't go out to bars or clubs if you're not into that. Find some clubs or just things that you are into and meet people from there.

[Protec]

I think your problem is that you're full of contradictions. You say you only want someone to hang out with, talk to, go to the movies with, etc., yet you're on dating sites looking for these people. What's the problem with just doing these things with guy friends? Why must it be a woman?

 

Most women aren't going to buy that a guy is ONLY looking for a friend. At the very least, most will suspect you want to at least get physical with them. Those suspicions aren't usually totally unfounded.

 

I think in your case, you just need to be social right now, but with other guys. You're stressing this female companionship thing way too much. If you're really just looking for some companionship, don't worry if it's a woman or not. Because in your vulnerable state, I promise you that if you meet a woman under the guise as "friends," and then feel ANY connection with her, you will fall hard for her. That's probably the last thing you need right now.

 

I really don't have many friends to hang out with. Most of my friends have family now, they have kids, they have jobs and i have just grown apart from some of my friends. I have asked from my "friends" many time to come to a movie with me, get in a bar (not get wasted, just to spend time, have beer or two) spend time together, but nothing.

 

Here are some common answers if i ask them to join with me to a bar or movie or music event:

 

-I don't like bars

-i rather download the movie. I don't have money.

-I'm not interested in that movie

-I'm at work

-I don't listen that kind of music

-I can't go out. Need to watch the kid.

-Spending time with my GF.

 

And why women? Because i really find nothing to talk about with men. All my friends talk about is cars, how many valves a car has or what oil to use in a car. I don't find it very fascinating. I do have some other friends too but i see them very rarely...i feel like i sticked to the wrong group.

 

I have 2 friend groups:

 

Group 1: Those i hang out with sometimes but they only talk about cars: I feel lonely with them.

 

Group 2: Those i don't hang out with and talk about something else than cars.

 

Problem: I really havent spent time with group 2. If i start now...i feel like i'm forcing myself into that group.

 

Few years back i spent every weekend with these car friends of mine. But i really got bored...little by little i started to "pull back". Because sitting in a gas station in a middle of the night talking about valves and oil changes? I dont't just like it. Also one reason is because i don't have a job. I really don't money to hang out like it used to before. I can barely pay my rent and buy food.

 

You want to know what my so called best friend once told me when i got my first girlfriend?

 

"Has she learned to read yet :DDDD"

 

Because she was young. I was 22 and she was 16. "My friends" even mocked me as "pedophile". I can take a joke or two, trust me. But making fun of me when i had finally found myself a nice girl, she was young yes but i liked her. I would NEVER ever laugh to anyones GF at their face.

 

But now you are saying: Get new friends. Well...that is the hard part. I really can't go outside to bars asking men out. Or go in a gym to ask men out.. "hey you look nice, would you hang out with me?" I would end up with a black eye for sure

 

I live in finland...There are no game arcades to hang out, there are no places to spend time. You can only get into a bar or sit in a coffee shop.

 

I am able to make friends. I know that. Because when i used to box, i quickly made "friends" with this other guy. Gym is a bad place to talk with people though...they are so concentrated on their routine you cannot really talk there. Of course i also nod and say "hi!" when i see familiar guys or gals.

 

And i just don't have money to start any group activity like boxing or some other martial arts etc. those are great places to make friends.

 

Also i am allergic to every damn thing. Especially cats. I can't really be around cats, even if i take medicine my eyes get red, throat/skin will get itchy etc.

 

One friend of mine has 3 cats. So visiting him is out of the question. I get allergic reactions just sitting next him. And I cannot invite him here either. Since he would bring all the cat hairs and stuff to my place. Yes. I am that allergic.

 

One friend of mine has cat and a dog. So, visiting him his also kind of out of the question.

 

One other friend also has 1 cat.

 

This is very bad for me. I am really, really allergic.

 

Also this limits the possible companion for me too....I tried dating a woman once who had a dog. It just didn't work out. She got bored with me cleaning myself from head to toe every time i visited her place

 

What a long post this turned out to be

[Protec]

It's not because you're "too geeky" for women. I love video games. It's something I'm extremely passionate about. However, I feel like you should try to meet people that are interested in the things you are. Don't go out to bars or clubs if you're not into that. Find some clubs or just things that you are into and meet people from there.

 

In finland, if you even mention video games to a woman of my age they think "oh..this guy must be someone spending 24/7 in front of videogames."

 

It's really, really bad. They don't understand that you can actually play games to relax or just have fun. Most answers i've gotten "oh...videogames? Well... i don't know. I'm kinda worried".

When i am ready to date again, i am not seeking for someone passionate about videogames, just someone who can even hold the controller in her hands without feeling awkward about it.

 

I always get interested to younger women because they are more open and seem more fun. But then again, young women are not that keen to stay in LTR.

 

The majority of women my age are too serious. I am interested in tons of things. Videogames, videogame music, anime, movies, sports, computers, cars...

When i mention anime, they are like "Oh...you watch those childrens cartoons?"

When i mention videogame music "Oh...that bleeping music?!!"

When i mention cars they think i'm a grease monkey. Which i am not. I just like them.

Also it seems that electronic music is huge turn off. I even produce it. I even released a single last year.

 

It feels like i am too much everything and not enough at the same time. I am too geeky for your average finnish woman and too sporty for a geeky girl. Then again i am not sporty enough for a sporty woman, but too geeky. It's a mess. I've always had VERY hard time to find someone who would like me as i am, accept that i watch sometimes anime, play video games and go to gym.

Most of the time it seems like people are trying to find themselves. Trying to find a guy who likes exactly and only the same things. They feel so narrow minded. That's why i usually feel so lonely.

 

That's why i liked my ex...I introduced her to few anime series which she loved! She laughed her heart out when we were watching that one. Also, she picked up the game controller and played game trough by herself! I helper her on the hard parts. She played, she enjoyed the game. I am afraid i cannot find woman like that again. That's why i fell so hard for her. Because i've never been with a woman like her before. "Want to play few rounds of Tetris with me?", she asked. She was awesome. Then we ran into problems...some stupid stupid problems.

 

Remember, Finland is a small country (but huge area). Only 5 million people. And the city where i live, only 160 000 people.

 

EDIT: That's me in the profile picture

Edited November 12, 2015 by Protec

[JuneJulySeptember]

Is that what you look like?

 

How tall are you?

 

I mean, if that's what you look like, then I can't imagine how you could have any trouble with women. You're a good looking white dude, my man. Then again, other guys have posted here saying they have trouble with women and they are pretty decent looking too.

 

You might be going for women who are only white and pretty/cute. That's a tough demographic, even if you're handsome. Beyond that, women are just extremely picky.

 

OLD can destroy your ego though. I'm at the point where I think no woman on Earth can be physically attracted to me. It's OK though. I was put on this Earth for greater things than to be a stud muffin gigolo.

Edited November 12, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[Protec]

Is that what you look like?

 

How tall are you?

 

I mean, if that's what you look like, then I can't imagine how you could have any trouble with women. You're a good looking white dude, my man. Then again, other guys have posted here saying they have trouble with women and they are pretty decent looking too.

 

You might be going for women who are only white and pretty/cute. That's a tough demographic, even if you're handsome. Beyond that, women are just extremely picky.

 

OLD can destroy your ego though. I'm at the point where I think no woman on Earth can be physically attracted to me. It's OK though. I was put on this Earth for greater things than to be a stud muffin gigolo.

 

Thanks I needed that! Yes that is what i look like. I am 1,75cm tall, which is quite average here in finland. I am currently trying to lose weight and gain

some muscle so i will look my best.

 

I've always had pretty girlfriends. I just want a face that i think is nice to look at. I want to look at my woman and admire her. Dream about her even when she is not present

[impatiently_patient]

Protec, you seem like a decent looking and cool dude. A lot of women are just insufferable these days. God forbid you have any fun in life. They want you to be "grown up" on their terms, but suck down vapid television and garbage op-ed on Kinja sites like it's water. The lack of self-awareness is laughable.

 

I'm at the "whatever" point with this ****, to be honest. Took me less than three weeks back on online dating to get here. It's like a contest to see how many men can be driven into misogyny. Enjoy your cats I guess, ladies.

[juicygirl]

I don't think it's because you're nerdy. You seem to have some interesting hobbies. My sister is 35 and loves video games. I hate going to her house when she's playing 'Gear of War,' it's impossible to have a conversation with her when she's shooting stuff on the screen.

 

One thing I'm confused about is what you really want?

You say you want to meet people but you're on dating sites, why not join a meet up group? You can kid yourself all you want but you are clearly not over the ex from the amount of times you mention her.

 

Maybe you're coming across as too desperate and that's putting to women off.pend sometime focusing on yourself and making friends.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Thanks I needed that! Yes that is what i look like. I am 1,75cm tall, which is quite average here in finland. I am currently trying to lose weight and gain

some muscle so i will look my best.

 

I've always had pretty girlfriends. I just want a face that i think is nice to look at. I want to look at my woman and admire her. Dream about her even when she is not present

 

It'd be a better world if all the struggling dudes could just turn gay.

 

We like each other a lot better than the women do, and every time some dude posts a picture I think they are decent looking. (Somedude the actual poster was a decent looking guy too).

 

Alas, not happening.

[impatiently_patient]

It'd be a better world if all the struggling dudes could just turn gay.

 

Oh trust me, if I leaned even a little bit in that direction, I'd be the gayest dude you could imagine.

[Protec]

I spent some quality time at the gym today. I really pushed myself and boy it felt good. Even saw some fine looking women there too!

 

I think i'd rather date someone who goes to gym than plays games.

 

I am little by little getting back up on my feet

 

I will not give up! I will rise, once again like the phoenix from ashes! I'm back baby!

[WonderKid]

Man you probably should move. Sounds like you'd have better luck in the UK or something. I love video game music, video games (bad stigma behind it) and anime. I am also African American. I live in a very conservative state. It's ass-backwards. All people do is grind and complain five days a week then turn up and get wasted on the weekends.

 

I am going to try and find an app or something where I can get into certain social clubs or something. Winter is coming and when it comes it is extremely boring and chances for romance is terrible.

[Protec]

I've been thinking about that. But i really would need better education and a job first before i can think about moving.

 

But i think i'd had better chance finding the "one" from outside finland.

 

Also i think i should try and find some FB groups.

[Dopher87]

don't worry my friend there is plenty of timee!

[Redfisher]

I've been thinking about that. But i really would need better education and a job first before i can think about moving.

 

But i think i'd had better chance finding the "one" from outside finland.

 

Also i think i should try and find some FB groups.

 

I'm sorry for asking...But is there as many hot women in Finland as the shows on Netflix seem to lead me to believe?

[Protec]

I'm sorry for asking...But is there as many hot women in Finland as the shows on Netflix seem to lead me to believe?

 

Hot women yes. But not that many and they are all mostly just full of themselves.

[Redfisher]

Hot women yes. But not that many and they are all mostly just full of themselves.

 

Cool I guess...