OW - my aftermath [update: day 205]

[Starbright78]

You've come along way NewLeaf. Your posts are inspiring, I'm glad you finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel.

[NewLeaf512]

You've come along way NewLeaf. Your posts are inspiring, I'm glad you finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Thank you. Just know I am weak. I don't know how I would have reacted if he had tried at the beginning to get me back. I had blindly been a doormat for so long. I know that he never loved me but I loved him, even if it was a him that my imagination created. I will never allow myself to see or be in contact with him ever again because even an apology isn't enough. What he did to me and his loved ones is inexcusable and I am sorry for my part. G-d am I sorry. I'm going to treat the good part of the situation (before I knew) like a fairy story I saw in the movies.

 

Xz

[Lovetoohard]

Thank you. Just know I am weak. I don't know how I would have reacted if he had tried at the beginning to get me back. I had blindly been a doormat for so long. I know that he never loved me but I loved him, even if it was a him that my imagination created. I will never allow myself to see or be in contact with him ever again because even an apology isn't enough. What he did to me and his loved ones is inexcusable and I am sorry for my part. G-d am I sorry. I'm going to treat the good part of the situation (before I knew) like a fairy story I saw in the movies.

 

Xz

 

Sounds like you've moved into the forgiveness stage, which is great! I think it really helps to let go.

[OneLov]

I have too much life to live and too many duties of care to check out. I've been through much, much worse. I'm getting really self aware which is great. A lot in my mirror is good, a lot needs fine tuning and some a demolition and rebuild from the ground up. I'm the only workwoman on the site and I only have pink tools so I need to get cracking!

 

Sorry terrible phrasing on my part. I meant check out of the NC club. I didn't mean to imply you were suicidal. I know I should have chose better words.

[olivebranch]

I needed to seee this todayyyy ! Oh mercy, did I... :/

[OneLov]

I needed to seee this todayyyy ! Oh mercy, did I... :/

 

My bad. Look at the trouble I started..

[NewLeaf512]

I was wondering why you thought I was suicidal.

[OneLov]

I was wondering why you thought I was suicidal.

 

I totally sh*t the bed on that one. I should have caught that and redacted that part. Definitely not might intention. Oh wait, where have we heard that before? Lol. Jk.

 

But for real, I am sorry for poor phrasing. I definitely never thought that nor was that ever communicated. I wanted to convey message of: I know it is tough as hell but at least you did not give in to negativity and hopelessness despite sometimes feeling overwhelmed with those feelings. It is a tough right now, but take strength you are choosing to do what is right by you because there are way better things to come.

[olivebranch]

No, no worries... I meant I had a difficult day and the replies i read helped. I didn't get tripped up on that, didn't even think of it. Am okay and glad to read successful progress for you NewLeaf.

[yodelwithyu]

131 days can be converted to one of these units:

11,318,400 seconds

188,640 minutes

3144 hours

131 days

18 weeks and 5 days

35.89% of 2015

 

Last night I was feeling really good about all the time that had passed. I was like YEAH, must be close to a 100 now. Um, no. I was literally at 60. Failing at time telling. But You know what? 60 days is better than 8, when I started here. Have had NC bumps, but it has never not been over.

 

I'm loving your kick-ass attitude!

[NewLeaf512]

Thank you for the support posts.

 

I have a big charity do tonight, and this will be my first "outing" since DDay. I have no plus one so I will be solo. Usually I look forward to these things, but I'm dragging myself to this only because it's my favourite and I'm a non-Exec board member. It would be bad manners.

 

All of that sounds dreary, but 2 weeks ago I had decided to send my regrets.

 

I've gone and bought a new gown and my hair dresser is coming. There will be some awkward spots im certain but, im re-engaging with life for today.

[NewLeaf512]

The Paris terrorist attacks have my PTSD going on fits and starts. For some reason it's brought idiot head to mind.

[yodelwithyu]

We sit here and discuss what is wrong with the MMs/MWs and then something like these attacks reminds you that there is something so very wrong with so very many people. It is no wonder that many of us come across people devoid of feelings/consciences. With much less severity, of course. Not comparable at all. But just a reminder of the difference between monsters and men, and all the others that fall in between.

[NewLeaf512]

We sit here and discuss what is wrong with the MMs/MWs and then something like these attacks reminds you that there is something so very wrong with so very many people. It is no wonder that many of us come across people devoid of feelings/consciences. With much less severity, of course. Not comparable at all. But just a reminder of the difference between monsters and men, and all the others that fall in between.

 

Yodel how erudite you are.

 

You have crystallised the thoughts that are so jumbled in my mind.

[NewLeaf512]

In preparation for work to start again for me and the anxious time of worrying about finding a role slowly passes, my old life seems to be encased in a glass box that I can see from a distance and observe but nothing more. It's as if I misplaced a segment of my life somewhere.

[NewLeaf512]

Well I have been to the GP and asked to come off of the anti depressants. Apparently it's not as simple as not taking them. They seem to have helped me but I feel sleepy frequently and have difficulty focusing. Completely untenable especially with my new role commencing. 4 weeks is a long time to gradually decrease this but the doctor knows more than I!

[Gracie_1]

New Leaf I read your posts each time I log in. The glass box encasing that part of your life is such a great analogy. I am going to borrow that thought, put my heartbreak and hell in it and shelve it. I will be grateful for the day when its covered with dust, a nuisance to think about and I can put it away forever.

 

Work with your MD, four weeks is a drop in the bucket. So proud of you New Leaf!

[NewLeaf512]

New Leaf I read your posts each time I log in. The glass box encasing that part of your life is such a great analogy. I am going to borrow that thought, put my heartbreak and hell in it and shelve it. I will be grateful for the day when its covered with dust, a nuisance to think about and I can put it away forever.

 

Work with your MD, four weeks is a drop in the bucket. So proud of you New Leaf!

 

Thanks Gracie NLx

[NewLeaf512]

Today I heard a song on the radio in my car which is unusual since I usually listen to iTunes and it was just a random song, no idea who it was until a friend told me, and it wasn't melancholy at all.

[yodelwithyu]

Hey NewLeaf, check out Bea Miller's mashup of Say My Name/Cry Me a River. I know it is weird to post song about cheaters in the OW/OM forum, but for people like you and I, who were duped into thinking they were available, it is perfect. Because they cheated theirs spouses, AND us. Cheaters through and through. WTF.

 

But other than that, it is just a great song too!

[NewLeaf512]

Hey NewLeaf, check out Bea Miller's mashup of Say My Name/Cry Me a River. I know it is weird to post song about cheaters in the OW/OM forum, but for people like you and I, who were duped into thinking they were available, it is perfect. Because they cheated theirs spouses, AND us. Cheaters through and through. WTF.

 

But other than that, it is just a great song too!

really good Yodel! Thanks for sharing x

[NewLeaf512]

Therapy.. I had a (kind of) breakthrough... Just wanted to share:

 

I was explaining how (not just related to idiothead although if you have read my *extremely long story, you may recall that all in from initial friendship to crazy conclusion there's over a decade in that) I felt like I had this huge imaginary key ring filled with keys, and when my marriage, idiothead or my first relationship started to go very wrong, I would try to use a key in the lock of the other person to make things better. The keys were all ways I tried to change myself to be more lovable, better, different so that the lock would open and they would love me again or like I needed but the "keys" never worked in their locks..

 

My therapist was shaking his head, and all of a sudden it was like a big sign appeared and I said to him..

 

"Those keys were never going to change anything or anyone because those are my keys, not theirs."

 

 

We can't change anyone else. Nothing I do or don't do, long hair, be more affectionate, less affectionate, spend more time, less time, isn't going to get anyone to love me, like me or hate me more or less or at all.

 

I can only change how I see things, how I respond to things and how I allow people to treat me. They are my keys.

[yodelwithyu]

"Those keys were never going to change anything or anyone because those are my keys, not theirs."

 

This is so profound, NewLeaf. I am glad therapy is helping you! Lots of love and hugs!! So happy for you.

[NewLeaf512]

Thank you Yodel x

[NewLeaf512]

This forum has been a blessing and a 2X4 sometimes. Maybe that's a blessing too!