Why won't he propose?

[lilacparkle]

I was planning on replying to anyone who responded to my post but I got a lot more responses than I anticipated, so I will state my general response here.

First of all, thank you to everyone who responded, even if I don't agree with you, I appreciate your feedback, and I originally posted the question anonymously on a forum so I could hear many different viewpoints. I especially appreciate the responses that were honest, thoughtful and from the heart, and those who talked about their experiences. The responses that were quite short and just telling me to get out of the relationship I found to be quite sad. It really reflects a sense of jadedness, a closed heart as well as a closed mind, which is the reason that most marriages are failing today. I realize my relationship has been going for a while and I shouldn't have to wait forever, but those who said that its just so clear that he doesn't want to marry me or have kids obviously didn't read what I wrote, so why respond with such quick judgement? He is on the fence about kids because his father wasn't there for him in many ways. His parents marriage ended badly and that probably contributes to his feelings about marriage. For the person who recommended the book he's just not that into you, been there, done that. I read it when it first came out and my case is not anything close to being one of the stories in that book. Those were tales of women who couldn't see the clear signs that their boyfriend wasn't feeling it. My man feels it, in pretty much every way, believe me. He stuck by my side when I was on my death bead for 2 months, he helped me start my business, calls me goddess daily, is extremely complimentary, bought me a 1/2 million dollar home I wanted, bought me the gorgeous car I wanted, makes me laugh all the time, supports me in so many ways without me even asking, I know his whole family who loves me as much as I do them. So believe me, he is into me. And for everyone who also seems quite jaded about marriage and equates it to just a piece of paper or some way that a woman can get into your bank account and rob you, I would have to say that you are looking at it with a very skewed perception. Nothing in this world has an inherent value, nothing. We assign value to everything. Sure, a $20 bill is a $20 bill to anyone, but to someone in poverty it is worth a hell of a lot more than it is to a millionaire. The same goes with marriage. If you assign it no value and see it as just a piece of paper, it is just that to you, worthless and unnecessary (which is fine, I don't think people should get married if they don't really want to). To those who see the value and beauty of it, it is just that, beautiful and valuable. Your life is what you make of it. And to someone who said that marriage is just some silly ancient ritual: first of all, what is wrong with some beautiful ancient traditions, secondly a modern wedding isn't even close to the way weddings were performed hundreds of years ago, thirdly with the decline of long term relationships, happiness, any many other things in modern times, why not try going back to how some things worked in the past, it's worth a shot if you really want it and work at it. Although I am a little disappointed by some of the quick advice to cut and run (yet not completely surprised) I am happy I posted my inquiry on this forum because there were some very well thought-out responses that have helped me. I had a great discussion with my boyfriend today where we were both very clear and honest about our wants and needs for the future. At this point I think he understands my view of marriage and why it is so important to me and agrees that it would be wonderful. He said he has been planning some things but doesn't want to give away his surprises yet. He said it's been hard to focus on planning something special enough for me due to some issues with his business, but realizes now that I don't want to wait much longer. I have a clear idea of what I want and a timeline so I can make the decision to part ways if things don't progress in that direction within a certain amount of time. We love each other very much and neither of us plan on giving up without giving it a bit more time and effort, because we believe in each other. Thanks again everyone.

[RedRobin]

It doesn't matter why. He has made his position clear. He is happy to suck your life away as long as you let him.

 

I don't consider that love. To him, you are an accessory and like a pet. He has known this about you since you started dating... But that didn't stop him from stringing you along, did it? Perhaps you made the mistake of thinking that because he is older he will be more commitment minded. Whatever.. Daylight is burning. Time to send this time waster packing.

 

Edited: yes, I did read what you wrote. All of it. It is not jaded or closed minded to expect someone who supposedly loves you to want to commit to you. Half the things on your list equal 'he spends money on me'. what I see is the typical young woman coming up with a million excuses for him not to follow through... so, good luck with that. I personally am not a fan of ultimatums. I am also not a fan of people who waste my time and ignore me for years. Life does bring clarity to lots of things it seems.

 

Here is something else I am getting... You will always be number two after his business. Same goes if you have kids with him. Hope you are ok with that. But as long as he buys you stuff, maybe that's ok with you... And puts a ring on it.

Edited October 9, 2015 by RedRobin

[BluEyeL]

Yes, I agree that the O.P.'s response is typical for a woman making excuses for a non-committal boyfriend. He has a lot of reasons "why", however what about you? If you are OK being a man's girlfriend forever, while he's having one foot in and one out, it's OK. But you want him to propose. The situation is not fair to you. An unbalanced situation like that only creates resentment.

[beatcuff]

... The responses that were quite short and just telling me to get out of the relationship I found to be quite sad. It really reflects a sense of jadedness, a closed heart as well as a closed mind, which is the reason that most marriages are failing today. I realize my relationship has been going for a while and I shouldn't have to wait forever, but those who said that its just so clear that he doesn't want to marry me or have kids obviously didn't read what I wrote, so why respond with such quick judgement?

 

OP, you are here because you are concerned. if this did not bother YOU, you would not be here. a/k/a if you were happy with the current situation you would not have signed up and wrote.

 

you wrote a lot of words but none state why you are here.

 

so if his refusal, for whatever reason, to marry you, which you feel is very important, is not an issue --- why are you asking "why won't he propose?" hint: it is an issue for you.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Actions always speak louder than words. I hope for your sake his actions will tell you what you've been wanting to hear for a very long time.

 

Good luck.

[dragon_fly_7]

OP I also read your whole update and nothing you said indicates that he wants to marry you. A man buying a 1/2 million dollar home and goods with his money and calling me goddess daily doesn't mean he wants to get married. It can be interpreted that he's happy with the way things are and you're just a commodity as someone else stated.

 

That wouldn't be enough for me. The point is he's taking whatever amount of time not to marry you and can be waiting for ages (after all men can still father kids when they're older) while you can't wait that long; you have a fertile period.

[Toodaloo]

Lilac

 

I am afraid that my opinion hasn't changed either. I think you are deluded. If this man loved you he would do what it took to make you happy. If that is putting a ring on your finger and committing to you then he would do it regardless of how much he believes in the sanctity of marriage.

 

At the moment you are just an expensive lay. Is your name on the house title? If not then congratulations, he has just brought himself a nice house that you like.

 

You need to start thinking in terms of compatibility and shared goals.

 

This guy does not share your goals. He is doing just enough to keep you quiet and shut you up while doing exactly as he pleases.

 

Move on before you wake up miserable and your life wasted. Trust me. Enough of us have ended up there and its not a good place to be.

[GunslingerRoland]

What is wrong with me?

 

Only one thing, you want to get married and have kids, and you've just spent 7 years with a guy who doesn't want either of those things.

 

It sounds like you otherwise have a nice relationship, but if those things are really important to you... then yes you are wasting your time.

[Taramere]

Seriously, this right here.

 

"I'm going to end an otherwise great relationship because you won't legally bind yourself to me and perform an ancient ritual."

 

It's obviously no longer a great relationship for the OP. It's reached a point where she wants to form a family unit with children, and he doesn't. It's not reasonable to expect her to sacrifice that very strong desire so that they can carry on coasting in a relationship that he thinks is great...just so long as it doesn't require any real commitment on his part.

 

Maybe he will find another great relationship with another woman. Or maybe he'll discover that the OP was a huge part of what made it possible for to have such a great relationship - and that it won't be all that easy to replicate. I think she sounds like a very loyal and patient individual who has a lot to give. If she's very decisive that marriage and children are what she wants then she will find a good guy (possibly one a bit closer to her own age, too) who shares those goals and wants somebody just like her.

[stillafool]

It seems after 7 years and living together for 6 that he would have proposed by now if he wanted what you want. He said he doesn't so stop pressuring him into marriage. He has told you what he doesn't want and you know what you want so the question is are you going to waste another 7 years of your life waiting on it. Just because you have pets does not mean leaving is not an option.

[Shining One]

bought me a 1/2 million dollar home I wanted, bought me the gorgeous car I wanted

Are these items in his name or your name?

[perol]

It really reflects a sense of jadedness, a closed heart as well as a closed mind, which is the reason that most marriages are failing today.

 

Marriages fail because people grow apart, because they cheat on each other, because one of them becomes abusive or becomes a drug addict, marriages fail because of differences in opionion regarding finances or raising children. Marriages fail because of conflicts, sometimes arising from inlaws, or children from previous marriages. They fail because one or both spouses no longer have their needs met by the other, sometimes because one loses interest in sex or the other has "let themselves go".

 

Theres a multitude of reasons, far more than I've listed here but your statement that most marriages fail because of jadedness and a closed hart and mind sounds nice and pretty but it's far from accurate.

 

My man feels it, in pretty much every way, believe me. He stuck by my side when I was on my death bead for 2 months, he helped me start my business, calls me goddess daily, is extremely complimentary, bought me a 1/2 million dollar home I wanted, bought me the gorgeous car I wanted, makes me laugh all the time, supports me in so many ways without me even asking

 

He's there for you, no question about it. Doesn't mean he has any intention of marrying you. Especially since he's obvously got money. He knows as soon as he exchanges vows, that 1/2 Million dollar home and fancy car is 1/2 yours. He knows marriages fail all the time, he's no fool, which is why he's got the money in the first place. He knows that his relationship with you now is no different from the way it was for the millions of divorced couples who also thought they would be together forever.

 

And for everyone who also seems quite jaded about marriage and equates it to just a piece of paper or some way that a woman can get into your bank account and rob you, I would have to say that you are looking at it with a very skewed perception.

 

The statistics speak for themselves. Most marriages ultimately fail. There's no skewed perception here at all, it's a fact.

 

To those who see the value and beauty of it, it is just that, beautiful and valuable.

 

Marriage is an artificial construct. It doesn't make a relationship any more beautiful or valuable (except of course to the lesser monied spouse who will gain from the union).

 

I had a great discussion with my boyfriend today where we were both very clear and honest about our wants and needs for the future.

 

You were honest. Him? No way to really know. You still didn't get a firm answer about marriage. He's apparently very good at dodging and deflecting.