Dating Lesson 1: Keep Compliments To Yourself

[Gaeta]

I am really sorry about what happened with your guy. Don't hang on to him please. Let it all go and move on.

 

As for the dog, I am a dog owner and lover, I am not saying this lightly, please report this dog that has attacked you, next time it might be a young child he attacks.

[JasmineJones]

As a guy I'd guess that he is probably feeling more guilt/ bad about what happened and is embarrassed... Understandable given what happened, and out of your control. I say give it at least a week and reconnect and go from there.

 

Why would she want to reconnect with such a loser?

[JasmineJones]

Hope your face heals quickly. This man is a turd, so flush him down the toilet where he belongs. Move on to somebody who deserves you, somebody who is communicative and kind and excited to be with you. My very best wishes to you xx

[guest569]

Wow, thats really bad, I thought my breakup was bad. I didnt get my face bitten off.

 

Hope you are doing ok now xx

 

By the way, if he was worthy then he would be visiting you to make sure you're okay, not staying away. Stuff him.

[neowulf]

So I guess I need to throw the whole “be yourself” stuff out the window.

I mistakenly told him (during a text convo) that I thought he was incredibly handsome and that he made me feel giddy when we kissed.

Haven’t heard a word from him since, and we had plans tonight. It's been 24 hours.

 

Wow. I can’t believe I broke the #1 rule: never let a guy know that you actually like him.

 

*sigh* Ok, look. If he'd been into you, that wouldn't have scared him off ok.

I get your disappointed, but he just wasn't that into you in the first place.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. Something just didn't click for him.

[Lois_Griffin]

Has he done this before? Yes, but only a couple of times in the two months we’ve been dating, and there were valid reasons (not that he needed any).

STOP making excuses for his rude and inconsiderate behavior.

 

- He’s been fairly busy at work and had an event last night that he was hosting.

STOP making excuses for his rude and inconsiderate behavior.

 

- My last text to him didn’t contain a question that necessarily needed a response from him.

STOP making excuses for his rude and inconsiderate behavior.

 

-We’re not supposed to meet until tonight. Perhaps he’ll reach out in the next few hours to confirm, especially since he never gave me the address for the event tonight.

 

If he doesn’t reach out, I’m finding something else to do with my Friday so that I’m not crying on my couch tonight.

Please get the "Why Men Love Bitches" book by Shari Argov.

 

It has nothing to do with being a bitch and EVERYTHING to do with living your life the way you SHOULD be living it - where he's an added complement to your life - NOT the center of it.

 

If you're smart, and you want to stop being treated like an after-thought, you need to live your life the exact way you would be if he didn't exist.

 

Putting your life on hold based on waiting to hear from HIM is the absolute WORST you can do. That gets you disrespected, taken advantage of, and taken for ranted. Look how many times he's disrespected you by blowing you off - here you are anxiously waiting to hear from him about Friday night. I would have made other plans already.

 

Read the book. Today.

Edited October 4, 2015 by Lois_Griffin

[Lois_Griffin]

Ahh, so he finally showed the true douche bag that he is. I knew that was coming.

 

OP, you should still read the book. Your passivity and eagerness to please is just getting you treated badly.

[thecrucible]

Please get the "Why Men Love Bitches" book by Shari Argov.

 

It has nothing to do with being a bitch and EVERYTHING to do with living your life the way you SHOULD be living it - where he's an added complement to your life - NOT the center of it.

 

If you're smart, and you want to stop being treated like an after-thought, you need to live your life the exact way you would be if he didn't exist.

 

Putting your life on hold based on waiting to hear from HIM is the absolute WORST you can do. That gets you disrespected, taken advantage of, and taken for ranted. Look how many times he's disrespected you by blowing you off - here you are anxiously waiting to hear from him about Friday night. I would have made other plans already.

 

Read the book. Today.

 

I've actually read some of this book. The title is misleading and is probably designed to make people pick up the book and buy it. When you read it, it's not about being a bitch, more about having boundaries and not putting up with too much crap. It basically teaches you that everything society teaches is wrong and that men like a woman who gets pissed off at him from time to time and puts him in his place when necessary. I think some men genuinely test you to see how much they can get away with.

 

I'm like that too, though. Even though I know that logically I shouldn't get worked up over a guy replying, it does happen sometimes. However now I know that it's only a matter of my forcing myself to distract myself before it becomes second-nature. It's good to spend time with friends, but not talking about the guy when you do, just doing something fun and normal to put things into perspective. I don't think it's all about how we relate to men either. If the guy is putting you on edge too much, it's just not good for your mental health. I hate it when something a man does makes me feel anxious. The last guy that did that to me caused me to lose lots of weight because the anxiety of dating him made me lose my appetite.

[Jkerr3]

So I guess I need to throw the whole “be yourself” stuff out the window.

I mistakenly told him (during a text convo) that I thought he was incredibly handsome and that he made me feel giddy when we kissed.

Haven’t heard a word from him since, and we had plans tonight. It's been 24 hours.

 

Wow. I can’t believe I broke the #1 rule: never let a guy know that you actually like him.

 

What's wierd is I'd be ecstatic if a girl told me this.....

 

I completely disagree with you, I'd honestly be turned off by girl who was trying to play games and be artificial with what the say. I always like it when people just speak their mind and don't give a **** what others think about it.

[thecrucible]

What's wierd is I'd be ecstatic if a girl told me this.....

 

I completely disagree with you, I'd honestly be turned off by girl who was trying to play games and be artificial with what the say. I always like it when people just speak their mind and don't give a **** what others think about it.

 

But what if you weren't interested in the girl? It's always awkward to hear from someone you aren't very interested in. It doesn't mean that she was wrong to reveal how she felt. It just made the guy more aware of what was going on and forced him to make his mind up. He could have communicated this in a less crappy way though. Point is, it seems like it wasn't going to work out anyway, she just forced the guy to cut the crap by being up front. You never know what the guy's internal monologue is saying, it could be "I'm not sure but I'll give it x number of dates and then I'll decide whether to bail".

[JasmineJones]

I was once in a situation that was in some ways a tiny bit similar. After a date (maybe a 4th date?) I had texted the guy 'it was so amazing hanging out with you tonight'. He replied but his reply didn't acknowledge what I'd just said. Instead he just asked me if I'd like to go out to dinner the following night. It felt a bit weird but at least he'd asked me out again I guess.

[katiegrl]

But what if you weren't interested in the girl? It's always awkward to hear from someone you aren't very interested in. It doesn't mean that she was wrong to reveal how she felt. It just made the guy more aware of what was going on and forced him to make his mind up. He could have communicated this in a less crappy way though. Point is, it seems like it wasn't going to work out anyway, she just forced the guy to cut the crap by being up front. You never know what the guy's internal monologue is saying, it could be "I'm not sure but I'll give it x number of dates and then I'll decide whether to bail".

 

I agree and what's scary is .....if the dog incident had NOT happened, he probably would have continued dating her, even though his feelings were only lukewarm.

 

I mean LL did say they were kissing, having a good time BEFORE his dog bit her.

 

And she never would have known his feelings were only lukewarm!

 

So in a way, as horrible as being bitten by his dog was, it was actually a blessing because it forced him to realize what a schmuck he was being by continuing to date a girl he wasn't crazy about, and he ended it...

 

Thank god she is okay! And LL I hope he is paying the hospital bill! At least your co-pay if you have insurance, and your meds.

 

And I agree with Gaeta that you should report the incident. God forbid he bites a child's face, that child might not be so lucky as you that the bite wasn't serious.

 

I also agree with Lois Griffin - read that book! It will become your bible... as you continue dating.

 

Good luck!!! And feel better soon!

[Jkerr3]

But what if you weren't interested in the girl? It's always awkward to hear from someone you aren't very interested in. It doesn't mean that she was wrong to reveal how she felt. It just made the guy more aware of what was going on and forced him to make his mind up. He could have communicated this in a less crappy way though. Point is, it seems like it wasn't going to work out anyway, she just forced the guy to cut the crap by being up front. You never know what the guy's internal monologue is saying, it could be "I'm not sure but I'll give it x number of dates and then I'll decide whether to bail".

 

Even if I didn't like a girl I'd still appreciate a compliment, as long as it's genuine.

[katiegrl]

Even if I didn't like a girl I'd still appreciate a compliment, as long as it's genuine.

 

This wasn't just an ordinary compliment though, like "gee, you look nice today," her compliment revealed deeper feelings, which he sensed, did not reciprocate, and made him uncomfortable.

[kpl]

I think I have a different opinion about this than most. I don't know that this guy did anything wrong. A lot of ppl date ppl and wait for something to grow or try to see where things go. They've only been dating 2 mos. To me the 2-3 mos mark is when you start thinking hey is this someone I want to be with. I think not answering the messages ok....but wasn't that a pattern? If it wasn't addressed and he kept doing it, he just learned that was acceptable. Dating is all about getting to know someone and seeing if they are right fit for you, it seems as though both of them gave this a shot.

 

I'm sorry about the dog incident, now you know in a crisis situation he sucks.

[losangelena]

I think I have a different opinion about this than most. I don't know that this guy did anything wrong. A lot of ppl date ppl and wait for something to grow or try to see where things go. They've only been dating 2 mos. To me the 2-3 mos mark is when you start thinking hey is this someone I want to be with. I think not answering the messages ok....but wasn't that a pattern? If it wasn't addressed and he kept doing it, he just learned that was acceptable. Dating is all about getting to know someone and seeing if they are right fit for you, it seems as though both of them gave this a shot.

 

I'm sorry about the dog incident, now you know in a crisis situation he sucks.

 

I agree that he didn't necessarily do anything "wrong," per se. Maybe a little ham-fisted, but not wrong or bad. It seems he'd been pulling away for a few pages already.

 

I personally am more concerned throughout this thread that the OP thinks it was something SHE "did wrong" that drove him away.

 

She didn't do anything wrong either.

[Fletch Lives]

Gee, this guy can't charge his phone in 24 hours and is responsible for you getting bit in the face by a strange dog?

 

Maybe you should pick better guys?

[Lovelorn00]

Has he done this before? Yes, but only a couple of times in the two months we’ve been dating, and there were valid reasons (not that he needed any).

STOP making excuses for his rude and inconsiderate behavior.

 

STOP making excuses for his rude and inconsiderate behavior.

 

STOP making excuses for his rude and inconsiderate behavior.

 

 

Please get the "Why Men Love Bitches" book by Shari Argov.

 

It has nothing to do with being a bitch and EVERYTHING to do with living your life the way you SHOULD be living it - where he's an added complement to your life - NOT the center of it.

 

If you're smart, and you want to stop being treated like an after-thought, you need to live your life the exact way you would be if he didn't exist.

 

Putting your life on hold based on waiting to hear from HIM is the absolute WORST you can do. That gets you disrespected, taken advantage of, and taken for ranted. Look how many times he's disrespected you by blowing you off - here you are anxiously waiting to hear from him about Friday night. I would have made other plans already.

 

Read the book. Today.

 

I've read it. It didn't really help me much. I picked up on the theme of living your own life and not waiting around for some dude to make plans, but that's what I've been doing. Last Friday, I made tentative plans with my girlfriends, just in case he flaked. Starting to think I should've just gone out with them and maybe I wouldn't have gotten my face bitten off. Haha

[JasmineJones]

 

I've read it. It didn't really help me much. I picked up on the theme of living your own life and not waiting around for some dude to make plans, but that's what I've been doing. Last Friday, I made tentative plans with my girlfriends, just in case he flaked. Starting to think I should've just gone out with them and maybe I wouldn't have gotten my face bitten off. Haha

 

The dog has bitten off your whole face. That is so bad.

[katiegrl]

 

I've read it. It didn't really help me much. I picked up on the theme of living your own life and not waiting around for some dude to make plans, but that's what I've been doing. Last Friday, I made tentative plans with my girlfriends, just in case he flaked. Starting to think I should've just gone out with them and maybe I wouldn't have gotten my face bitten off. Haha

 

True, but then again .... had this not happened, you would still be dating a guy who was, in all likelihood, only lukewarm about you.

 

 

BTW, have you heard from him? Have you thought about what you will do if you DO?

 

 

And most importantly, how are YOU???

 

 

JJ: LL was being facetious... the dog bit her lower lip -- which is bad but not AS bad as her entire face!

[Lovelorn00]

Reading through all of the comments, I’m even more confused now than before. The overwhelming majority of the folks here, mostly women, are saying this guy is a loser and that I should kick him to the curb.

 

However, a couple of guys have chimed in and said that there’s really nothing unusual about his behavior.

 

Here’s the thing – Talking to my good girlfriends who have been married for a while, this seems to all be normal male behavior. “You’re expecting too much from him” they say. “He’s a man – he’s clueless,” they say. I was very upset that he didn’t want to spend time with me on Saturday. After getting my face bitten, it’s the one thing that would have made me feel better in that moment. While my girlfriends agree that he should’ve stepped up and did something, I’m being told that this is just how dudes are. One of my girlfriends has to flat-out ask her husband to buy her a birthday present every year or get her flowers for Valentine’s Day. The other has a husband who tried to flake on taking her to the hospital for a procedure, and he couldn't understand why she was mad. I think it might be a generational thing, and men nowadays just aren’t the men they were 20-30 years ago. If I wanted him to spend time with me on Saturday, I should’ve just said so or at least told him how it made me feel when he said he didn’t want to. This goes back to a few things that losangelena has mentioned about asserting myself in relationships. If someone is making me feel a certain way, I can’t expect them to be psychic and adjust their behavior based on the thoughts that are going on in my head. I need to speak up. I just get so scared to do so, because the relationship is so new and fragile.

 

This whole dog bite incident has me feeling a ton of different emotions. I’ve left him alone, and he continues to initiate contact with me. Sure, it could be just because he feels bad, but we’ve been talking about other things as well. He also offered to pay for all of my medical bills, and he’s casually mentioned upcoming plans, though a formal date hasn’t been made yet. Am I clinging to hope? Possibly. But I’m not making any effort on my end anymore.

 

Just sucks to think about having to get back out on the dating scene, but now, with scars on my face. It’s hard enough out there, ya know?

[Lovelorn00]

 

The dog has bitten off your whole face. That is so bad.

 

Ha! Noo, no no. I was being dramatic. I'm sorry. The dog didn't bite my whole face off. Just a few punctures near my lip and on my temple.

[Lovelorn00]

 

True, but then again .... had this not happened, you would still be dating a guy who was, in all likelihood, only lukewarm about you.

 

 

BTW, have you heard from him? Have you thought about what you will do if you DO?

 

 

And most importantly, how are YOU???

 

 

JJ: LL was being facetious... the dog bit her lower lip -- which is bad but not AS bad as her entire face!

 

Hey, katiegrl - I'm okay today. Just... confused. Yes, we've been talking. I haven't been initiating, though. I don't know. I'm not sure what to think anymore. Super bummed about my face, though. I know it sounds vain, but dang.

[katiegrl]

Reading through all of the comments, I’m even more confused now than before. The overwhelming majority of the folks here, mostly women, are saying this guy is a loser and that I should kick him to the curb.

 

However, a couple of guys have chimed in and said that there’s really nothing unusual about his behavior.

 

Here’s the thing – Talking to my good girlfriends who have been married for a while, this seems to all be normal male behavior. “You’re expecting too much from him” they say. “He’s a man – he’s clueless,” they say. I was very upset that he didn’t want to spend time with me on Saturday. After getting my face bitten, it’s the one thing that would have made me feel better in that moment. While my girlfriends agree that he should’ve stepped up and did something, I’m being told that this is just how dudes are. One of my girlfriends has to flat-out ask her husband to buy her a birthday present every year or get her flowers for Valentine’s Day. The other has a husband who tried to flake on taking her to the hospital for a procedure, and he couldn't understand why she was mad. I think it might be a generational thing, and men nowadays just aren’t the men they were 20-30 years ago. If I wanted him to spend time with me on Saturday, I should’ve just said so or at least told him how it made me feel when he said he didn’t want to. This goes back to a few things that losangelena has mentioned about asserting myself in relationships. If someone is making me feel a certain way, I can’t expect them to be psychic and adjust their behavior based on the thoughts that are going on in my head. I need to speak up. I just get so scared to do so, because the relationship is so new and fragile.

 

This whole dog bite incident has me feeling a ton of different emotions. I’ve left him alone, and he continues to initiate contact with me. Sure, it could be just because he feels bad, but we’ve been talking about other things as well. He also offered to pay for all of my medical bills, and he’s casually mentioned upcoming plans, though a formal date hasn’t been made yet. Am I clinging to hope? Possibly. But I’m not making any effort on my end anymore.

 

Just sucks to think about having to get back out on the dating scene, but now, with scars on my face. It’s hard enough out there, ya know?

 

 

LL, when you DO get together with him again... as has been discussed before this whole incident happened, please talk to him about what you're seeking as far as long term, exclusivity, and whether or not he's on the same page.

 

 

I think your having this information will help you greatly in either alleviating some or even most of your anxiety, causing you to feel more secure, OR choosing to stop dating him (assuming he's NOT on the same page).

 

 

It's time.

 

 

Glad you're feeling better and keep us posted!

[katiegrl]

 

Hey, katiegrl - I'm okay today. Just... confused. Yes, we've been talking. I haven't been initiating, though. I don't know. I'm not sure what to think anymore. Super bummed about my face, though. I know it sounds vain, but dang.

 

How many stitches did you get? Hopefully it won't scar..... you treated it quickly so it shouldn't.

 

 

There might be some redness after the stitches get removed though, but this will go away eventually.