Dating Lesson 1: Keep Compliments To Yourself

[Lovelorn00]

Right?

 

I will say, for every time you've jumped the gun here, that you've been proven wrong.

 

Also, to touch on something you wrote in a different post, it's not about HIDING your anxiety from the guys you date; you're better off learning how to manage your anxiety to where you're not allowing it to dictate how you act around men.

 

See the difference?

 

Ugh. This is true. The fact that I'm always wrong when I jump the gun like this (in life and on this forum) just shows that it's my anxiety talking. In particular, when it comes to dating.

 

On your second comment - Yes, I think I see the difference. Hiding it doesn't really help anything, and it's going to come out sooner or later. Managing it may actually lead to a lasting behavioral change that could benefit me in relationships going forward.

[losangelena]

Ugh. This is true. The fact that I'm always wrong when I jump the gun like this (in life and on this forum) just shows that it's my anxiety talking. In particular, when it comes to dating.

 

On your second comment - Yes, I think I see the difference. Hiding it doesn't really help anything, and it's going to come out sooner or later. Managing it may actually lead to a lasting behavioral change that could benefit me in relationships going forward.

 

Imagine that.

 

All goodhearted snark aside, I'm responding to your posts so much because I identify so much with how you feel. I have chronic anxiety. It's a LOT better than it used to be, but it's still something I need to "manage," and through therapy and just, life experience, I have learned how to not necessarily jump to conclusions or assume the worst about everyone/everything, and have accepted the fact that even if the worst happens, it's not the end of the world.

 

Two things:

 

1. There ARE men out there who will not spike your anxiety meter. I'm not sure why that is, but they are out there. Before I met my ex, I dated a guy for a few weeks who I never felt anxious about. I'm not sure even what he did differently, but it was palpable. So, rejoice! It's possible.

 

2. I think that you'll go around on this carousel you're on just enough times before you get sick of it. For me, being in this last relationship, where I felt incapable sometimes of being truly honest or communicative, helped me realize that as a dating method, as a mode of living, it is sub-par. I literally don't want to be like this anymore, and that's key—true, lasting change will only come when you really want it, and when you're ready. For me, that meant having to live through a relationship where I felt like I couldn't be myself all the time. Even in the three weeks it's been since getting broken up with, I've found myself being much more up front, honest and assertive—in all areas! Sure, it's scary as sh*t, but so much better.

 

Bottom line, it's a process, OP. Be patient with yourself, be diligent in working on things, and over time, your anxiety will be less of an issue.

Edited October 2, 2015 by losangelena

[Gaeta]

Typing this standjng up in a moving bus hope it make sens!

 

You all trying to reinvent the wheel here.

 

Op name me one reason you would not reply to such a compliment from a man? Yes you are right...if he is much more into you than you are into him these type of compliments would make you uncomfortable and you would change subject.

 

You didn't tell him he had a nice shirt, you told him he makes your heart race! That was too much for him. His excuse that his phone died and he gets back to you 24 hrs later is a way of not addressing your ladt text.

 

Sorry but when l like a man l don't let his texts unattended 24 hrs. If l need power power to reply l will find it. If i can't l will email him. I would mever let a man l have been on 7 + dates with just hang! And he better not do it to me.

[katiegrl]

Typing this standjng up in a moving bus hope it make sens!

 

You all trying to reinvent the wheel here.

 

Op name me one reason you would not reply to such a compliment from a man? Yes you are right...if he is much more into you than you are into him these type of compliments would make you uncomfortable and you would change subject.

 

You didn't tell him he had a nice shirt, you told him he makes your heart race! That was too much for him. His excuse that his phone died and he gets back to you 24 hrs later is a way of not addressing your ladt text.

 

Sorry but when l like a man l don't let his texts unattended 24 hrs. If l need power power to reply l will find it. If i can't l will email him. I would mever let a man l have been on 7 + dates with just hang! And he better not do it to me.

 

 

Hey Gaeta, little confused by the bolded part.

 

 

Specifically, what do you mean by "if you need "power power" to reply you will find it."

 

 

And never letting him hang. Do you mean if you were really into a guy, you would never let 24 hours go by (after he just told you that you make his heart race) to get back to him?

 

 

I agree with you on that one by the way!

[losangelena]

Hey Gaeta, little confused by the bolded part.

 

 

Specifically, what do you mean by "if you need "power power" to reply you will find it."

 

 

And never letting him hang. Do you mean if you were really into a guy, you would never let 24 hours go by (after he just told you that you make his heart race) to get back to him?

 

 

I agree with you on that one by the way!

 

I think "power power" was a typo. Pretty sure she meant that she'd find a way to charge her phone so she could reply, instead of, 24-hours later, saying that her phone died.

 

And yes also (correct me if I'm wrong, Gaeta!), I believe she's saying that if a guy complimented her like that, and she felt the same way, that she wouldn't leave him hanging for a day.

 

I also agree, for the record, and feel like OP's issue is two-fold. On one hand, there is this particular guy and whether or not he's really being above board or seems interested, and then there's the issue of her anxiety and how it colors her interactions with men in general. The particular guy ... the verdict is still out, but I definitely don't think she needs to get down on herself for saying how she feels.

Edited October 2, 2015 by losangelena

[katiegrl]

I think "power power" was a typo. Pretty sure she meant that she'd find a way to charge her phone so she could reply, instead of, 24-hours later, saying that her phone died.

 

And yes also (correct me if I'm wrong, Gaeta!), I believe she's saying that if a guy complimented her like that, and she felt the same way, that she wouldn't leave him hanging for a day.

 

I also agree, for the record, and feel like OP's issue is two-fold. On one hand, there is this particular guy and whether or not he's really being above board or seems interested, and then there's the issue of her anxiety and how it colors her interactions with men in general. The particular guy ... the verdict is still out, but I definitely don't think she needs to get down on herself for saying how she feels.

 

 

Thanks LA.... yeah that makes total sense....and I agree on THAT one too!

 

 

In fact, I would be scrambling around to find a way to charge it OR call from anther phone, email, something!!

 

 

Kinda not buying the phone died excuse....

 

 

Not a good feeling here..... :(

[Gaeta]

Hey Gaeta, little confused by the bolded part.

 

 

Specifically, what do you mean by "if you need "power power" to reply you will find it."

 

 

And never letting him hang. Do you mean if you were really into a guy, you would never let 24 hours go by (after he just told you that you make his heart race) to get back to him?

 

 

I agree with you on that one by the way!

 

Power was suppose to be written only once. By power I mean electrical power to charge his phone. This man is a lawyer and he let his phone uncharged for 24 hours? I don't buy that. Where was he when his phone died that he could not plug it for 24 hours? I am not a lawyer and I have an extra charger at the office just in case. I have found myself with a dead phone and no charger and I borrowed chargers. I even borrowed chargers from strangers sitting next to me in waiting rooms.

 

I would not let him hang 24 hours after getting a text AND lets say I lose my phone and I know it's gonna take 24 hours to fix my situation I will email the guy and let him know. 'Hey dropped my phone in the toilet I'll let you know when I get a new one' .

[Gaeta]

but I definitely don't think she needs to get down on herself for saying how she feels.

 

I agree 100% with you. She needs to be herself and do what feels natural. If he was crazy about her this compliment would have made him feel on top of the world. It's not her fault that he's not invested into her as much as she is into him.

[katiegrl]

Power was suppose to be written only once. By power I mean electrical power to charge his phone. This man is a lawyer and he let his phone uncharged for 24 hours? I don't buy that. Where was he when his phone died that he could not plug it for 24 hours? I am not a lawyer and I have an extra charger at the office just in case. I have found myself with a dead phone and no charger and I borrowed chargers. I even borrowed chargers from strangers sitting next to me in waiting rooms.

 

I would not let him hang 24 hours after getting a text AND lets say I lose my phone and I know it's gonna take 24 hours to fix my situation I will email the guy and let him know. 'Hey dropped my phone in the toilet I'll let you know when I get a new one' .

 

 

Thanks G - losangelina interpreted it for me since I apparently have no common sense today and couldn't figure it out.... haha

 

 

Not to mention.... was he not at home when you guys were chatting LL? Why not plug the damn phone into the charger....it only takes a couple of minutes to get a signal again.

 

 

You know what, I hate to be a downer but IMO he is bull shytting you on that (phone died, BS).

 

 

He flat out lied and lying is one of my dealbreakers!

 

 

God, if there is anything I HATE more than anything else, it's being bull shytted.... I am not a moron, geez.

 

 

Not getting a good feeling here.... but it's up to you LL.

 

 

I know you are so into him... tough call.

 

 

Good luck though....

[katiegrl]

I agree 100% with you. She needs to be herself and do what feels natural. If he was crazy about her this compliment would have made him feel on top of the world. It's not her fault that he's not invested into her as much as she is into him.

 

Agree with you (and LA) on that too!

[Gaeta]

Also, when he got back to you by text and he said his phone had died, did he then address your last text? and say something nice like 'I feel so excited too' type of thing?

[stillafool]

I made it clear that I liked him, which took the "chase" away from him. I guess all those books and blogs and magazine articles that I've read were true.

 

Has he told you he likes you too and complimented you?

[losangelena]

OK, OK, before we jump to conclusions about the phone (although, unlikely ...)

 

I will say, if he's a lawyer, he could definitely have two phones—one for work and one personal. If his personal phone DID die, and he only had his business phone to go on for a while, he may not have had the wherewithal to plug the other one in.

 

Maybe I'm an optimist in this situation, but just because this guy didn't reciprocate, doesn't mean that he's just completely uninterested in the OP. I mean, people's feelings develop over time, and not always at the same pace. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. He does seem a bit squirrelly, but that might not necessarily mean that OP is about to get dropped or anything.

 

Remember, we're trying to get OP to NOT jump to conclusions, so let's all just adopt a wait and see pose.

[katiegrl]

OK, OK, before we jump to conclusions about the phone (although, unlikely ...)

 

I will say, if he's a lawyer, he could definitely have two phones—one for work and one personal. If his personal phone DID die, and he only had his business phone to go on for a while, he may not have had the wherewithal to plug the other one in.

 

Maybe I'm an optimist in this situation, but just because this guy didn't reciprocate, doesn't mean that he's just completely uninterested in the OP. I mean, people's feelings develop over time, and not always at the same pace. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. He does seem a bit squirrelly, but that might not necessarily mean that OP is about to get dropped or anything.

 

Remember, we're trying to get OP to NOT jump to conclusions, so let's all just adopt a wait and see pose.

 

 

Okay and you are right we don't want her jumping to conclusions, what we want her to do is be realistic and utilize common sense in determining why a man (a lawyer no less) would not have the wherewithal to plug his phone into a charger for five minutes to charge it up.... and call/text her back.

 

 

I am sorry but attempting to justify this BS along with this "wait and see" attitude gets women no where, but a broken heart 99.9% of the time.

 

 

I also think it's okay to come to a conclusion when the evidence is so obvious, there is no other explanation BUT to come to that conclusion.

Edited October 2, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

OK, OK, before we jump to conclusions about the phone (although, unlikely ...)

 

I will say, if he's a lawyer, he could definitely have two phones—one for work and one personal. If his personal phone DID die, and he only had his business phone to go on for a while, he may not have had the wherewithal to plug the other one in.

 

Maybe I'm an optimist in this situation, but just because this guy didn't reciprocate, doesn't mean that he's just completely uninterested in the OP. I mean, people's feelings develop over time, and not always at the same pace. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. He does seem a bit squirrelly, but that might not necessarily mean that OP is about to get dropped or anything.

 

Remember, we're trying to get OP to NOT jump to conclusions, so let's all just adopt a wait and see pose.

 

meh....I would doubt he gets 2 phones. I've seen 2 phones with sales people, real estate agents, not lawyers and I know a bunch of them. Maybe he does have 2 phones but chances are low.

 

As for developing interest through time that's a woman's way of thinking. Men know in a very short time if they like you 'that way' or not. Way before 7-8 dates.

 

No I don't think she is getting dropped. He is interested in 'casually' dating her, do outings together, sex, company.

[katiegrl]

Personally speaking, I really like lovelorn and want to see her HAPPY in an awesome RL with a man who 100% adores her!

 

 

And not hanging around waiting and seeing how a mediocre RL with a man who appears to be "meh" about her works out.

 

 

Women do far too much justifying and excusing bad behavior IMO.

 

 

And to me, this was bad behavior. His phone did not die (he lied - common sense), he simply did not want to move that convo forward, after she complimented him the way she did.

Edited October 2, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Lovelorn... I just wanted to say, I realize my posts today seem a little harsh....and I apologize for that, but if you read the deal-breaker thread, any form of lying, BS'ing is an absolute deal breaker for me.

 

 

It pisses me off to no end, maybe more than most people, don't know why.

 

 

My phone died is one of the oldest and most common excuses men (and women) use to to explain why they haven't called or called back.

 

 

Read these threads, there have been posts from women saying their boyfriends used that excuse after not calling for DAYS.

 

 

Like I said, I really like you and want to see you happy and with a guy who adores you.

 

 

Please keep searching, you WILL find him one day!!

 

 

((hugs))

Edited October 2, 2015 by katiegrl

[thecrucible]

Hey Lovelorn,

 

Hope you're doing okay. You didn't do anything wrong. It's good to be in the moment sometimes. The last guy I dated did this to me. After questioning him, parts of his story just didn't add up and I realised that he did see the text but just didn't want to reply to it. If this is the case with your guy then think of it as a lucky escape. If he doesn't talk to you directly about this, then I believe he lacks sensitivity. This is not a guy you've been on one date with or only chatting over text, but someone you've been on 7-8 dates with.

 

Looking back to my situation, eurgh I felt horrible because I was clearly more into him than he was with me but he dragged it along to get his fringe benefits. It was horrible. If you ever doubt yourself or feel down, remember how the situation made you feel and it'll snap back to reality.

 

Don't be afraid to express yourself. There's no shame in it. But only let the best guys get access to your full range. I've just been thinking about this guy who I dated earlier this year - we never got together but when he started drifting away, I just let him. I feel good about this even if I came across as a cold person because I just didn't want to put myself on the line for someone who didn't make an effort.

[thecrucible]

I am sorry but attempting to justify this BS along with this "wait and see" attitude gets women no where, but a broken heart 99.9% of the time.

 

I totally agree. I shed tears over this guy I mentioned in my last post - a guy who I expressed heartfelt emotions to but was met with radio silence (it was clingy stuff either and we had already been dating for a month. But we would have broken up sooner and saved heartache for me if I had just gone with my gut rather than suppressed my feelings. I still would not reveal my worries to him but I should have trusted myself. So yeah I feel like it was okay for me to send a nice text, not a crime at all.

 

It was actually my own dear mother who gave me this advice, she was the one saying 'wait and see'. It actually got me in a much worse situation though when I tried to take a back seat and act unfazed by it. I still take full accountability for my own choices though.

 

So to cut it short, trust your gut and don't be pressured into being the 'cool girl'.

 

I also think it's okay to come to a conclusion when the evidence is so obvious, there is no other explanation BUT to come to that conclusion.

 

In a way, that protects you rather than clutching at straws.

[katiegrl]

He does seem a bit squirrelly, but that might not necessarily mean that OP is about to get dropped or anything.

 

 

I don't think he is about to drop her either.

 

As long as she continues to agree to the status quo, and doesn't bring up exclusivity, he will continue dating her until the woman he DOES want to become exclusive with comes along. After which, HE will be the one to bring it up.

 

That's my fear for her. She will go along with his agenda, continue to become more and more emotionally invested, until he meets the woman he wants a RL with, and THEN he will dump her.

 

That could take weeks, even months. Meanwhile, LL falls harder and harder...

[losangelena]

I don't think he is about to drop her either.

 

As long as she continues to agree to the status quo, and doesn't bring up exclusivity, he will continue dating her until the woman he DOES want to become exclusive with comes along. After which, HE will be the one to bring it up.

 

That's my fear for her. She will go along with his agenda, continue to become more and more emotionally invested, until he meets the woman he wants a RL with, and THEN he will dump her.

 

That could take weeks, even months. Meanwhile, LL falls harder and harder...

 

And that's why I think we've all be telling her to be upfront with her feelings, because if he's not invested/as invested, that will become more and more apparent.

 

I'm not at all advocating that she play the "cool girl" in an attempt to get this guy to stick around. I just think that this one particular action on his part, after he apparently invited her to spend the whole weekend with him, MAY NOT be necessarily a reflection on how he feels about her. We haven't heard back from OP about this, so we don't know if she's heard from him or what the deal is beyond that his phone was apparently dead for a whole day.

 

Whether it's this guy or some other guy, I think OP just needs to remember that A) she's allowed to speak up for herself, and B) doing so won't drive the right guys away.

[katiegrl]

And that's why I think we've all be telling her to be upfront with her feelings, because if he's not invested/as invested, that will become more and more apparent.

 

I'm not at all advocating that she play the "cool girl" in an attempt to get this guy to stick around. I just think that this one particular action on his part, after he apparently invited her to spend the whole weekend with him, MAY NOT be necessarily a reflection on how he feels about her. We haven't heard back from OP about this, so we don't know if she's heard from him or what the deal is beyond that his phone was apparently dead for a whole day.

 

Whether it's this guy or some other guy, I think OP just needs to remember that A) she's allowed to speak up for herself, and B) doing so won't drive the right guys away.

 

I am 100% with ya there... about talking to him about how she feels, what she wants, etc.

 

 

And didn't realize he invited her to spend the whole weekend with him. Must've missed that. I just thought they had a date tonight, will have to go back and re-read.

 

 

Lovelorn, the entire weekend? Wow.

 

 

I guess this would be the weekend then.... you know to take it to the next level? Meaning sex.

 

 

So yeah please do talk to him. You said you would never have sex before exclusivity anyway, so if that's what he's hoping for, then you essentially have no choice BUT to talk to him.

 

 

The reason why I went on such a rant earlier, is because for ME, lying is one of my dealbreakers.

 

 

Once a man lies to me, about ANYTHING (even something like telling me his phone died when common sense dictates otherwise) -- it's OVER for me.

 

 

I lose all trust and respect and that's it.

 

 

That is just ME - I know many women who are much forgiving of stuff like that.... which is fine for them I suppose.

 

 

Just not me.

 

 

In any event Lovelorn, if this weekend is still going forward, and I presume it is since we haven't heard otherwise, I hope it all works out the way you want it too.

[losangelena]

She mentioned it in her other thread. I missed it too until I read it today.

[losangelena]

meh....I would doubt he gets 2 phones. I've seen 2 phones with sales people, real estate agents, not lawyers and I know a bunch of them. Maybe he does have 2 phones but chances are low.

 

As for developing interest through time that's a woman's way of thinking. Men know in a very short time if they like you 'that way' or not. Way before 7-8 dates.

 

No I don't think she is getting dropped. He is interested in 'casually' dating her, do outings together, sex, company.

 

Not to quibble, but the lawyers I know, incidentally, do have two phones.

 

Go figure.

[katiegrl]

Not to quibble, but the lawyers I know, incidentally, do have two phones.

 

Go figure.

 

Assuming that's true, could not he call/text her from his other phone, the one that didn't die? Helloooo..

 

 

My bf calls/texts me from his business phone sometimes when his personal phone died and he's out at a job.... (he's a contractor)

 

 

Also, I went back and re-read the entire thread. I didn't see where she said he invited her for the whole weekend - LL said he invited her out for tonight - to an event.