gettingstronger Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Interesting, the other perspective by "Poppy47"(in another thread of post) regarding whether MM is the really winner here is different. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/547582-he-will-never-leave-his-wife-you-10.html#post6570122 Winner in this case is merely a figure of speech- I have to say there are no winners in infidelity- my point is, lots of times the BS and the OW both think the other is the weakest link and thinking that prevents them from seeing how damaging their role in the mess is to them- its like, well, at least I am not XYZ- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Interesting, the other perspective by "Poppy47"(in another thread of post) regarding whether MM is the really winner here is different. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/547582-he-will-never-leave-his-wife-you-10.html#post6570122 I never felt like mine was winning anything. He seemed very stressed but it's hard for me to paint him as a victim with two women. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 To be fair, really the victim is the wife as she does not choose that (husband's having affair with OW and never stops) to be happened. For MM and OW, the affair is a choice of decision. I never felt like mine was winning anything. He seemed very stressed but it's hard for me to paint him as a victim with two women. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 My guess is as good as anybody's but IMO MM actually enjoy the bonding they have with wives after the drama of OW telling. These BS that ignore their husbands, wear sweats, no makeup and are boring in bed all of a sudden find their femininity. But it doesn't last long which is why MM come back. Very sad if you think about it that their lives are so uninteresting together that they need that jolt. Seriously why is this same story always construed about a BS. I always took care of myself, worked out, have a booming career. If you compared me to the MOW it would be like comparing apples to oranges. MOW was attractive, but nothing close to my level (I'm tall Victoria's Secret type, MOW was short, cute, and had a struggling career. If anyone was boring it was my WH My WH still went back, took A underground. She fluffed my WH's ego that is for sure. i grew tired of doing that as he is a bottomless pit of need for validation. The BS is not always this way, I have to disagree. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I am sure you as a Betrayed Spouse must be different from those whom do not take care them well, but you do fit it the category that BS always takes back MM, 1, 2, 3 ~ infinite times. Seriously why is this same story always construed about a BS. I always took care of myself, worked out, have a booming career. If you compared me to the MOW it would be like comparing apples to oranges. MOW was attractive, but nothing close to my level (I'm tall Victoria's Secret type, MOW was short, cute, and had a struggling career. If anyone was boring it was my WH My WH still went back, took A underground. She fluffed my WH's ego that is for sure. i grew tired of doing that as he is a bottomless pit of need for validation. The BS is not always this way, I have to disagree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I am sure you as a Betrayed Spouse must be different from those whom do not take care them well, but you do fit it the category that BS always takes back MM, 1, 2, 3 ~ infinite times. Such a myth that the BW doesn't take care of herself so he strays. I am very fit. He had a pot belly. His OW had two bellies. They stray because the are weak and they want to. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I am sure you as a Betrayed Spouse must be different from those whom do not take care them well, but you do fit it the category that BS always takes back MM, 1, 2, 3 ~ infinite times. I believe lady may take back her man as many times as she sees fit... so... I can't tell exactly but the post seemed derogatory? If you could clarify what you meant that would be great. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I was referring to the [frumpy] BS in my situation... sorry shouldn't have generalized. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 No, not at all. I think the discussion is off track a bit, my point is that the reason why MM keeps cheating repeatedly, why wife keeps taking back cheating MM repeatedly, is not because appearance. Could be related to other reasons, i.e. co-dependent, or MM is seeing BS never executes ultimatum so why he even cares to stop affair...more and more. But nothing related to whether wife's look nice or not nice, neither related to OW's look apparently. I believe lady may take back her man as many times as she sees fit... so... I can't tell exactly but the post seemed derogatory? If you could clarify what you meant that would be great. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Such a myth that the BW doesn't take care of herself so he strays. I am very fit. He had a pot belly. His OW had two bellies. They stray because the are weak and they want to. Lol! His ex is a Schuster, so am I and so is he. Lol. Nothing todo with that. I actually think I used to say that. But I think it was an effort to demonize her so I felt less guilt. I mean really, what does it matter? He married her at one point so he must have seen some redeeming quality. I think it may just have been b**bs. ?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 No, not at all. I think the discussion is off track a bit, my point is that the reason why MM keeps cheating repeatedly, why wife keeps taking back cheating MM repeatedly, is not because appearance. Could be related to other reasons, i.e. co-dependent, or MM is seeing BS never executes ultimatum so why he even cares to stop affair...more and more. But nothing related to whether wife's look nice or not nice, neither related to OW's look apparently. Ok. It sort of felt like you were calling out LD specifically. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Lol! His ex is a Schuster, so am I and so is he. Lol. Nothing todo with that. I actually think I used to say that. But I think it was an effort to demonize her so I felt less guilt. I mean really, what does it matter? He married her at one point so he must have seen some redeeming quality. I think it may just have been b**bs. ?? Schuster = chubster Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Schuster = chubster Funny! Will have to use that. Sounds nicer ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) No, not at all. "Ladydesigner" mentioned she takes care herself very well, that is great. All women (does not matter whether BS or OW) should always take care and love themselves first. But again, if I did not recall incorrectly, "Ladydesigner" tried to give her Wayward Husband multiple times chances to cut off OW? Ok. It sort of felt like you were calling out LD specifically. Edited October 2, 2015 by Mount 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I am sure you as a Betrayed Spouse must be different from those whom do not take care them well, but you do fit it the category that BS always takes back MM, 1, 2, 3 ~ infinite times. No you are right I guess I am fitting the whole category of taking him back. Not that I like it, but yes I have. I do not plan on staying should he cheat again, take A underground again, or doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated, period! I actually have made a goal for myself that if I am not satisfied with my M and it's healing and reconciliation by my False R anniversary date I am going to file for D. Enough already. I am beginning to realize there is more to life than being married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 No, not at all. "Ladydesigner" mentioned she takes care herself very well, that is great. All women (does not matter whether BS or OW) should always take care and love themselves first. But again, if I did not recall incorrectly, "Ladydesigner" tried to give her Wayward Husband multiple times chances to cut off OW? Yes you are right I gave him multiple chances and he did blow them all over the 3 years he saw MOW (2 of the years I did not know about they were underground). My WH is like the master of 'hoovering' aka sucking me back in I am REALLY trying to break this habit. It's hard I've been with this man for 20 years. If he would have left, said he wanted MOW, said he didn't want to be with me I would be more than happy to leave and bow out, but he has begged and pleaded every.damn.time Although I think MOW has said similar, he would love bomb her too and beg her not to leave him. These MM and my particular spouse are nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I never felt like mine was winning anything. He seemed very stressed but it's hard for me to paint him as a victim with two women. Off topic , but I do not regard xMM as a victim in the A. I regard him as a victim of circumstances beyond his control in childhood. He has allowed his past to dictate his actions as an adult. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
USEDOW Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 that's actually a new one I have seen where OW tells BS and MM doesn't care Yeah when he said Go Ahead.Tell her it makes no difference. I did!. Itvdidnt the first two times. Only the third. I guess there'd have been a fourth but it got way too hurtful. I wasn't being nasty I just wanted to know we all knew which we did but then she got the kids I involved. (Not little) but still wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
candycane0116 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 My thoughts were that the AP seems to be an unstable person and if I were MM, I would run far far away at the first mention of these threats. How can you trust someone who does/says that? Obviously, this "relationship" isn't based on trust to begin with... Link to post Share on other sites
ktya Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 that's actually a new one I have seen where OW tells BS and MM doesn't care happened exactly like this to me. once it was done it was done and because she did it out of heartbreak (she wanted me to choose either her or the spouse and I chose the spouse) I wasnt even mad at her. She was really just trying to break me and the S up so she could have me, so it was a crime done out of love. The S stuck around and that made her even madder. Oddly enough we went back to the A after a while of her saying she'd never sleep with me again. A really bizarre dynamic, honestly. We both want to end it but cant Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Yeah when he said Go Ahead.Tell her it makes no difference. I did!. Itvdidnt the first two times. Only the third. I guess there'd have been a fourth but it got way too hurtful. I wasn't being nasty I just wanted to know we all knew which we did but then she got the kids I involved. (Not little) but still wrong. According to who? An A is wrong too! I honestly think kids should know how a parent has behaved and can see the consequences of that behavior (if they are at an age that isn't too young). Many times kids don't know why mommy is falling apart all of sudden, but with the A explained it makes a lot more sense. My daughter intercepted texts from MOW to my WH. You bet my kids were involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 If you think kids can be kept out of it altogether, especially once they are teenagers, you have limited understanding of the effects of infidelity upon a marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 According to who? An A is wrong too! I honestly think kids should know how a parent has behaved and can see the consequences of that behavior (if they are at an age that isn't too young). Many times kids don't know why mommy is falling apart all of sudden, but with the A explained it makes a lot more sense. My daughter intercepted texts from MOW to my WH. You bet my kids were involved. I disagree. The kids still do not know about my husband's ex wife's affair. He has chosen not to tell them as he didn't want it to impact their relationship with their mother. So he shouldered the brunt of it during that period of time as well as everything afterwards. My father did not tell us about my mother's affair until they were divorcing decades later. While it made some sense on his emotional state on things it really was a small drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 My father did not tell us about my mother's affair until they were divorcing decades later. While it made some sense on his emotional state on things it really was a small drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. It isn't a question of 'telling'. What matters to children for the most part is emotional upheaval in the family. Most children know that something is wrong and that is what matters to them. Children are involved whether they know the cold hard facts or not. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I disagree. The kids still do not know about my husband's ex wife's affair. He has chosen not to tell them as he didn't want it to impact their relationship with their mother. So he shouldered the brunt of it during that period of time as well as everything afterwards. My father did not tell us about my mother's affair until they were divorcing decades later. While it made some sense on his emotional state on things it really was a small drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. I don't know I see where you are coming from, but in my case my kids benefitted from knowing. I was hospitalized 2 times during the duration of my WH's A. It was his lying, manipulating, gaslighting that pushed me over the edge. Not his A. It seemed everyone derived more pleasure from my pain than just ending the M or the A. My kids would have no idea why mommy went to the hospital, or mommy keeps crying, mommy is always upset now, mommy can't help us with the things we normally need and on and on. I needed serious help and no one was helping me. How do you explain your complete mental breakdown to your kids? That I just lost it? Of course I would have liked for my kids to have never known. That would have been the ideal situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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