The 'double take' is it enough to approach?

[katiegrl]

He called saying he forgot he was volunteering at something something for Church.

 

Arghh!

 

(ten characters)

[clia]

Oh come on. I know a couple who are married now, and when you ask them how they met, they say (or the husband would say) "oh we worked at the same company, but we were both too nervous to approach, so we basically stared at each other for a few years lol, until I finally got the nerve up to approach and asked her out."

 

 

But it could work the other way around too.... there's nothing to say that Gaeta can't be the one to invite him to HH or something like that, next time she goes out with a group.

 

 

It's a start!

 

Of course she can choose to pursue him if she wants. Has that worked for her in the past? I don't think so. Or at least I can't recall a time. It never worked for me either, frankly. The men who were interested in me pursued me, not the other way around. Every man I pursued was nothing more than lukewarm about me. They'd date me for awhile, for sure, but I wasn't their dream girl or anything. The guys who thought I was their dreamgirl pursued me. But I would like nothing better than to see Gaeta find love with this man (or some other).

 

I think if Gaeta is going to do that, though, she needs make one move to show she's interested and then pull back. Give your number, but then let him pursue you after that. You make one move, that's it. He has to call, ask you on a date, etc. You don't ask him out. You don't pursue. You let him take the lead. My guess is that he finds you very attractive, but he's in a relationship with someone else, which is why he's never asked you out. But that's obviously just me spitballing.

[katiegrl]

I think she should just say, hey let's grab a drink after work.

 

Going with her office gang would be awkward in my opinion... unless he's a raving extrovert, which is unlikely given the situation.

 

If I'm interested in someone I don't want the first meeting to be hanging out with a gang of strangers, and I probably wouldn't want to feed the gossip mill either. One on one is way to go.

 

I only suggested it as it would be more informal and casual than a one-on-one date.... if she feared appearing too bold.... which many women do (I know I did when I was dating).

 

 

But if he shows up... THAT is when she turns up the charm (or operation big boobs....lol), and focuses her attention on him.

[Gaeta]

I think if Gaeta is going to do that, though, she needs make one move to show she's interested and then pull back. Give your number, but then let him pursue you after that. You make one move, that's it. He has to call, ask you on a date, etc. You don't ask him out. You don't pursue. You let him take the lead. My guess is that he finds you very attractive, but he's in a relationship with someone else, which is why he's never asked you out. But that's obviously just me spitballing.

 

That's what I had in mind. I just give him my number and say something that means you use it or not it's all good type of thing.

[katiegrl]

I think she should just say, hey let's grab a drink after work.

 

Going with her office gang would be awkward in my opinion... unless he's a raving extrovert, which is unlikely given the situation.

 

If I'm interested in someone I don't want the first meeting to be hanging out with a gang of strangers, and I probably wouldn't want to feed the gossip mill either. One on one is way to go.

 

Another thing though sal is that by asking him to join her (and her co-workers) for HH, it let's him know she's interested, and if he's interested too, he can suggest they scratch the HH and head out for a drink alone after work.

 

 

All my suggestion does is get things started, as right now neither one of them are doing ANYTHING.

 

 

Or, if she's bold enough, sure she can say what you suggested, but being that she doesn't even know if he's single..... yeah that's pretty darn bold!

[Gaeta]

I would be too uncomfortable to invite him to a happy hour. Everybody would be observing and listening to us. It's a big thing at the office that I finally find a boyfriend as big as it is on here.

[katiegrl]

Of course she can choose to pursue him if she wants. Has that worked for her in the past? I don't think so. Or at least I can't recall a time. It never worked for me either, frankly. The men who were interested in me pursued me, not the other way around. Every man I pursued was nothing more than lukewarm about me. They'd date me for awhile, for sure, but I wasn't their dream girl or anything. The guys who thought I was their dreamgirl pursued me. But I would like nothing better than to see Gaeta find love with this man (or some other).

 

I think if Gaeta is going to do that, though, she needs make one move to show she's interested and then pull back. Give your number, but then let him pursue you after that. You make one move, that's it. He has to call, ask you on a date, etc. You don't ask him out. You don't pursue. You let him take the lead. My guess is that he finds you very attractive, but he's in a relationship with someone else, which is why he's never asked you out. But that's obviously just me spitballing.

 

 

It never worked for me either, which is why I did not suggest SHE "pursue" him but simply ask him to join her and her co-workers for a drink during happy hour.

 

 

How is that pursuing him? It could just as easily be a friend asking a friend to join her.

 

 

But it's something.

 

 

One of two things will happen. Either he says "thanks but I have plans with my wife/girlfriend or whatever," OR he says "sure, that's sounds fun."

 

 

So he shows up...and they start chatting and if there is a mutual spark, then HE asks her out on a real date and begins pursuing her.

[Maggie4]

He makes you weak in the knees. How often do you meet someone like that? Do it! We make our own happiness.

[Maggie4]

What type of company does he work for? Any chance you'd have an excuse to walk in there?

[clia]

It never worked for me either, which is why I did not suggest SHE "pursue" him but simply ask him to join her and her co-workers for a drink during happy hour.

 

How is that pursuing him? It could just as easily be a friend asking a friend to join her.

 

But it's something.

 

One of two things will happen. Either he says "thanks but I have plans with my wife/girlfriend or whatever," OR he says "sure, that's sounds fun."

 

So he shows up...and they start chatting and if there is a mutual spark, then HE asks her out on a real date and begins pursuing her.

 

I think it would be majorly uncomfortable to invite a guy I've been eyeing across the lobby and in the elevator to a happy hour with my co-workers. Seriously? She doesn't even know him. How does she explain that to her co-workers? It's not even the same thing as inviting a friend to join. It would be like having a first meet for OLD with all of your co-workers present. No thanks!

[clia]

I would be too uncomfortable to invite him to a happy hour. Everybody would be observing and listening to us. It's a big thing at the office that I finally find a boyfriend as big as it is on here.

 

I totally agree. I can't even imagine doing this.

[Gaeta]

What type of company does he work for? Any chance you'd have an excuse to walk in there?

 

 

That's the thing. I have no idea what he does. On his floor there are several companies and I don't know which one he works for. Today I saw him through a glass door but there was no number or name on the door.

[katiegrl]

I would be too uncomfortable to invite him to a happy hour. Everybody would be observing and listening to us. It's a big thing at the office that I finally find a boyfriend as big as it is on here.

 

Who has to know who he is? He could be a friend who showed up for HH or even a random stranger for all they know....how would they know?

 

 

Basically he's a man you're chatting with during HH. Big whoop.

 

 

Buy hey if you're uncomfortable with it, scratch it.

 

 

It was just a suggestion...... and IMO it sure beats just giving him your card, or bolding asking him out for a drink.

 

 

THAT would be pursuing him....

[katiegrl]

I totally agree. I can't even imagine doing this.

 

Okay that's fine clia....

 

 

I "can" imagine doing it ....and to me it would not be a big deal to do it either, and it certainly doesn't mean I am pursuing him.

 

 

I am very friendly/flirty and often invite people I hardly know (who work in our building) to join us for HH after work.

 

 

For example, just last week I invited two girls I was chatting with briefly to join me for HH. They came and now we're friends.

 

 

It's a way to get to know people... to make friends.

 

 

And if I were interested in a guy, doing double takes for two years, and we started chatting, I would have NO PROBLEM asking him either. If he shows, fabulous, if there is a mutual spark, even better.

 

 

THAT is when I let him take the reigns and ask me out....and pursue me.

 

 

But again, if that would not work for you (or Gaeta), then that's fine. To each his own.

 

 

Since that's off the table though, what "would" you suggest? Doing nothing and just continue with the double takes?

Edited September 29, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Trust me, the happy hour would be a disaster.

 

I would not invite him for a drink or anything else. I am only thinking of giving him my number.

[Maggie4]

Next time you run into him, say "I was on your floor to see my dentist the other day. Are you also a dentist?" (Often dental offices and labs are on the same floor.) So you find out what type of company he works for, then you introduce yourself. Tell him your first name. If you're in an elevator and run out of time, hold the elevator door open until you finish your sentence.

 

You will want this information before asking him out.

[jen1447]

Trust me, the happy hour would be a disaster.

 

I would not invite him for a drink or anything else. I am only thinking of giving him my number.

 

Close thread. Decision made. Execute!

[katiegrl]

Trust me, the happy hour would be a disaster.

 

I would not invite him for a drink or anything else. I am only thinking of giving him my number.

 

Whatever works Gaeta.... but please, do something.

 

 

And BTW, when my co-workers and I go out for HH, it's not like we're sitting at a table with each other or anything.

 

 

We are all at the bar, chatting with each other, or chatting with others (at the bar). So it's easier. More relaxed. No one even knows we're all together.

[clia]

Okay that's fine clia....

 

I "can" imagine doing it ....and to me it would not be a big deal to do it either, and it certainly doesn't mean I am pursuing him.

 

I am very friendly/flirty and often invite people I hardly know (who work in our building) to join us for HH after work.

 

For example, just last week I invited two girls I was chatting with briefly to join me for HH. They came and now we're friends.

 

It's a way to get to know people... to make friends.

 

And if I were interested in a guy, doing double takes for two years, and we started chatting, I would have NO PROBLEM asking him either. If he shows, fabulous, if there is a mutual spark, even better.

 

THAT is when I let him take the reigns and ask me out....and pursue me.

 

But again, if that would not work for you (or Gaeta), then that's fine. To each his own.

 

Since that's off the table, what "would" you suggest. Doing nothing and just continue with the double takes?

 

I already said what I suggested above. I think she should move on because he would've asked her out by now if he was interested. But if she really wants to play it out, she can give him her number and that's it. He has to ask her out. I do not think she should ask him out, for happy hour or otherwise.

 

There is a HUGE difference between inviting a couple of girls you just met to happy hour because you are interested in making new friends versus inviting a man you want to date and don't know at all to a happy hour for what is essentially your first date. Do you really think that's the same thing? Because I don't. Imagine yourself as a single woman -- would you invite a man you saw in the lobby of your building who you wanted to date to a happy hour with all the lawyers you work with?

[Gaeta]

Whatever works Gaeta.... but please, do something.

 

 

And BTW, when my co-workers and I go out for HH, it's not like we're sitting at a table with each other or anything.

 

 

We are all at the bar, chatting with each other, or chatting with others (at the bar). So it's easier. More relaxed. No one even knows we're all together.

 

At my company we don't mix departments for HH. When I go out it's with my admin team. Smaller group so we stick together. Mostly women. He'd be like the only husband showing up at a tupperware party.

[katiegrl]

I already said what I suggested above. I think she should move on because he would've asked her out by now if he was interested. But if she really wants to play it out, she can give him her number and that's it. He has to ask her out. I do not think she should ask him out, for happy hour or otherwise.

 

There is a HUGE difference between inviting a couple of girls you just met to happy hour because you are interested in making new friends versus inviting a man you want to date and don't know at all to a happy hour for what is essentially your first date. Do you really think that's the same thing? Because I don't. Imagine yourself as a single woman -- would you invite a man you saw in the lobby of your building who you wanted to date to a happy hour with all the lawyers you work with?

 

I already answered that, and yes I would and would have no problem doing so either.

 

 

To me it's a way to get to know someone (be it a man, woman, whomever). Not a big deal to me at all.

 

 

I know how to ask these things in a very non-threatening, casual way.

 

 

If he shows, great, if not, no big deal.

 

 

The way I figure it, what have I got to lose? That's my attitude.

 

 

And if you read my last post....our HH's are basically all of us standing at the bar, chatting with each other .... or chatting with others.

 

 

Often times people show up whom I know and I start chatting with them. Similar to when I go to any bar.

 

 

Just a bunch of people standing around have a drink or two and chatting with everyone. Very casual.

 

 

So if he were to show up, he's just another guy I get to chat with and get to know.

 

 

Only I invited him, big whoop.

 

 

No one has to know who he is, or that I even invited him.

[katiegrl]

At my company we don't mix departments for HH. When I go out it's with my admin team. Smaller group so we stick together. Mostly women. He'd be like the only husband showing up at a tupperware party.

 

Yeah THAT would be awkward so I understand your hesitation.

 

 

Under those circumstances, I wouldn't invite him either!

[katiegrl]

I already answered that, and yes I would and would have no problem doing so either.

 

 

To me it's a way to get to know someone (be it a man, woman, whomever). Not a big deal to me at all.

 

 

I know how to ask these things in a very non-threatening, casual way.

 

 

If he shows, great, if not, no big deal.

 

 

The way I figure it, what have I got to lose? That's my attitude.

 

 

And if you read my last post....our HH's are basically all of us standing at the bar, chatting with each other .... or chatting with others.

 

 

Often times people show up whom I know and I start chatting with them. Similar to when I go to any bar.

 

 

Just a bunch of people standing around have a drink or two and chatting with everyone. Very casual.

 

 

So if he were to show up, he's just another guy I get to chat with and get to know.

 

 

Only I invited him, big whoop.

 

 

No one has to know who he is, or that I even invited him.

 

 

To add (I can't edit) -- I have to clarify that I would only invite him if the circumstances made it comfortable enough for me to do so.

 

 

Like if we ran into each other and were casually chatting on a Friday afternoon.... I would very casually toss out there that a few of us are heading to Xxxxxxx after work, and it would fun if he could join.

 

 

No big deal. He walks in, we're all standing around talking to everyone...and he just sort of blends.... like I said he could be a random stranger who walked in for all they knew.

 

 

It's not like I would be introducing him around or anything...lol Yeah THAT would be awkward...

 

 

No different than if I met him at any bar...only I casually invited him to join....in an effort to get to know him.... easy, breezy, very casual, no big deal.

 

 

But it lets him know I am interested without boldly giving him my card... which to me is very bold, and something I can't imagine ever doing.

 

 

But again, to each his own.... gotta do whatever works for us....

Edited September 29, 2015 by katiegrl

[MissBee]

Well it's been almost two years and he's never asked you out. So if he was interested, wouldn't he probably have made a move by now? Of course, he could be one of those guys who waits for women to ask them out. So who knows..LOL

 

I sort of thought the same thing.

 

I don't mind making my interest known first, especially if I see potential evidence of interest, but frankly, just for my own personal taste in men, and maybe I'm just more traditional in that sense, but I would find it not my style if a man looked at me for 2 years and never made a move.

 

Especially if I also do the double take and I can see he sees...I would want him to lead the approach personally. But it's up to you Gaeta and what you prefer. If you don't mind being the initiator then go for it! The next time you see him, strike up a conversation and see where it goes...if he is interested IMO he should now take it as a sign to start initiating more conversations too and go from there. But if you initiate and then next time you see him you still have to initiate again or he still doesn't push it forward I'd drop it personally as maybe he's not interested or way too timid.

[clia]

And if you read my last post....our HH's are basically all of us standing at the bar, chatting with each other .... or chatting with others.

 

Often times people show up whom I know and I start chatting with them. Similar to when I go to any bar.

 

Just a bunch of people standing around have a drink or two and chatting with everyone. Very casual.

 

So if he were to show up, he's just another guy I get to chat with and get to know.

 

Only I invited him, big whoop.

 

No one has to know who he is, or that I even invited him.

 

Then your happy hours are different than the happy hours I had with my coworkers, because we interacted with each other and hung out. That was the point of the happy hour. I mean, "no one has to know who he is, or that I even invited him" is just strange to me, because I would likely be standing there with at least one coworker when he walked up (because you aren't going to be sitting by yourself at the end of the bar nursing your drink when you are out for happy hour with your coworkers), so then he walks up and you have to introduce him, and then you start making conversation, and it inevitably turns to "how do you know each other?" So.....I just don't understand the scenario about how you can pull off an incognito first date at a happy hour with your coworkers. I can see how later on in the happy hour when people are rolling in and out, maybe a guy could show up, but still...you don't interact with your coworkers at a happy hour? They wouldn't ask who the guy is who you are talking to?