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Thoughts on situation with married man?


Confusedovo

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Mrs. John Adams

no one thinks you are a demon....but you asked for the opinions here....and I don't think there is one single person here who wants to see you make a mistake or get hurt. I have not seen anyone be mean to you...I think we all want to help you see that you are about to do something you will regret.

 

You are not a bad person...and i really am glad you asked before you just dove into this relationship. I hope you know we all mean well.

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My perspective is that he's playing you like a fiddle.

 

He's not looking for just a one-time romp in the hay with you.

 

By feigning this hesitation on his part, he makes himself look like a "good guy." He even says that he loves his wife. This is keeping your expectations in check. He knows you're interested and he's keeping your expectations low. He may not "be able to help himself" (which certainly makes you feel desirable) but he's not leaving his wife. He makes flirtatious and sexual advances (all of this touching sends a clear message that he wants to be physical with you) but he goes cold on you, too, so he seems like he's torn and generally a faithful, good guy. He loves his kids, wouldn't normally do this, couldn't leave his wife, is a good family guy, blah, blah, blah.

 

If he came out and said he was just looking for some strange from you and didn't care about his pregnant wife at home, you'd be less inclined to get with him at all.

 

Even his efforts to get you with his friend come across as innocent. He's crossing one boundary after another with you and yet, he'll be able to say it "just happened" when he was trying to hook you up with his friend.

 

All of this gets you hooked as a mistress for the long term. Even playing hot and cold with you keeps you on the hook and thinking of him.

 

You don't think you're being played. That's how it works.

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If you want to pursue some sort of relationship with this guy, call his wife and talk to her first. Tell her you're interested in pursuing a relationship with her husband but you would like to discuss the matter with her to make sure everybody is in agreement first.

 

I'm sure you'll be able to work something out that will be agreeable to all concerned.

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OP isn't throwing herself on this guy, she is body slamming him.

 

She also doesn't care for or have any regard for his wife and his possible unborn child, so I think even attempting to address that is moot. You can't reason with the selfish. I don't mean to be snarky, it just is what it is.

 

The only reason she is here is as she says is she is confused about MM's intentions. So she wants to know if he is intending to hook up with her or not.

 

OP, I am sure sooner or later he will end up sleeping with you if you keep carrying on as you are. I just wouldn't expect anything long term, and be prepared for a possible vengeful wife. But considering you went along with two strange men it doesn't seem you have any regard for your safety, anyway.

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My perspective is that he's playing you like a fiddle.

 

He's not looking for just a one-time romp in the hay with you.

 

By feigning this hesitation on his part, he makes himself look like a "good guy." He even says that he loves his wife. This is keeping your expectations in check. He knows you're interested and he's keeping your expectations low. He may not "be able to help himself" (which certainly makes you feel desirable) but he's not leaving his wife. He makes flirtatious and sexual advances (all of this touching sends a clear message that he wants to be physical with you) but he goes cold on you, too, so he seems like he's torn and generally a faithful, good guy. He loves his kids, wouldn't normally do this, couldn't leave his wife, is a good family guy, blah, blah, blah.

 

If he came out and said he was just looking for some strange from you and didn't care about his pregnant wife at home, you'd be less inclined to get with him at all.

 

Even his efforts to get you with his friend come across as innocent. He's crossing one boundary after another with you and yet, he'll be able to say it "just happened" when he was trying to hook you up with his friend.

 

All of this gets you hooked as a mistress for the long term. Even playing hot and cold with you keeps you on the hook and thinking of him.

 

You don't think you're being played. That's how it works.

 

Excellant post, guys that are good at being "players" do so with out the woman knowing he is, thus the phase "BEING PLAYED"

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My perspective is that he's playing you like a fiddle.

 

He's not looking for just a one-time romp in the hay with you.

 

By feigning this hesitation on his part, he makes himself look like a "good guy." He even says that he loves his wife. This is keeping your expectations in check. He knows you're interested and he's keeping your expectations low. He may not "be able to help himself" (which certainly makes you feel desirable) but he's not leaving his wife. He makes flirtatious and sexual advances (all of this touching sends a clear message that he wants to be physical with you) but he goes cold on you, too, so he seems like he's torn and generally a faithful, good guy. He loves his kids, wouldn't normally do this, couldn't leave his wife, is a good family guy, blah, blah, blah.

 

If he came out and said he was just looking for some strange from you and didn't care about his pregnant wife at home, you'd be less inclined to get with him at all.

 

Even his efforts to get you with his friend come across as innocent. He's crossing one boundary after another with you and yet, he'll be able to say it "just happened" when he was trying to hook you up with his friend.

 

All of this gets you hooked as a mistress for the long term. Even playing hot and cold with you keeps you on the hook and thinking of him.

 

You don't think you're being played. That's how it works.

 

For the life of me, I fail to see how the OP is being played in the slightest.

 

The OP is the one that turned down the offer of getting to know the single man and immediately said she wanted/liked the married man.

 

The OP clearly stated she did not care what his wife thought of her/them holding hands/linking arms in the mall. A man......she met mere hours ago.

 

The OP clearly told the MM with words...that she was interested in him...again...a man she barely knows.

 

Sometimes....the woman is the aggressor.

 

That is not to say...that this MM should have engaged her in the slightest. He is definitely playing with fire...and he is going to get burnt. And he will have to accept the consequences of his choices.

 

The time of treating women like innocent lambs has long past. This woman is not confused in what she is doing or why or how to get there. She is only confused on why it is taking so long.

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BstrayedH: Interesting perspective. Thanks for your input, I'll keep it in mind.

 

OP isn't throwing herself on this guy, she is body slamming him.

 

She also doesn't care for or have any regard for his wife and his possible unborn child, so I think even attempting to address that is moot. You can't reason with the selfish. I don't mean to be snarky, it just is what it is.

 

The only reason she is here is as she says is she is confused about MM's intentions. So she wants to know if he is intending to hook up with her or not.

 

OP, I am sure sooner or later he will end up sleeping with you if you keep carrying on as you are. I just wouldn't expect anything long term, and be prepared for a possible vengeful wife. But considering you went along with two strange men it doesn't seem you have any regard for your safety, anyway.

 

Thats a lot of assumptions. Which is fair enough, we all assume on a forum. Body slamming? Nah. Apart from when I was saying "I don't want you to go" Monday night, where was I being much more forward than him? I straight out said I like him (he might have too depending on what context he meant it) in fact, I stopped talking to him and he asked ME to see HIM. He had the perfect opportunity in those few days to go no contact. To delete my number, block me...whatever. Instead he asked to see me, was even willing to come into my house. I'm the one that said we should meet out instead. So he's not exactly a poor man running from me, while I'm harassing him. ?

 

I would feel bad on his wife and baby if we were cheating. But as it is right now, I don't know what she knows (maybe she knows he has a new friend) what she is like (does she treat him right?) Or how their relationship is set up (maybe she would be cool with some flirting) And I don't believe for a second any involvement with me, would stop him being a good daddy.

 

I don't actually only want a hook up. I Like him.

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The OP is the one that turned down the offer of getting to know the single man and immediately said she wanted/liked the married man.

 

The OP clearly stated she did not care what his wife thought of her/them holding hands/linking arms in the mall. A man......she met mere hours ago.

 

The OP clearly told the MM with words...that she was interested in him...again...a man she barely knows.

 

Sometimes....the woman is the aggressor.

 

That is not to say...that this MM should have engaged her in the slightest. He is definitely playing with fire...and he is going to get burnt. And he will have to accept the consequences of his choices.

 

The time of treating women like innocent lambs has long past. This woman is not confused in what she is doing or why or how to get there. She is only confused on why it is taking so long.

 

Because I don't like the single man. I'm not attracted to him in any way. Sorry.

 

Ok I'm a sarcastic/silly type person. So my reaction to him saying "if my wife sees us" was to JOKINGLY say "Ah I don't care, you're single to me." Its was a joke, but in bad taste. Even he laughed.

 

No I'm not an innocent lamb. I'm also not a bad person though, believe it or not! Aggressor? Ha...I'm not sure about that. I've been more forward with my words. But the rest I said in my last post above. I am confused with what I'm doing. I don't know what to do. Lol "taking so long" its not as cold and calculated as that actually.

 

He's grooming you. You respond.

 

Pretty soon you'll be full on flirting, stroking his overinflated ego and posting here that you'll do anything for him - including sacrificing your self respect and integrity.

 

It will happen without you realizing what you've given up. It's sneaky...but that's what he's counting on.,

 

Grooming me for what? If he knows I like him, what does he need to groom me for? Just not sure what you mean sorry...

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I said on my first post this might be on the wrong section.

 

 

 

I'm not in an affair.

 

Yes his wife is pregnant. But again, he hasn't cheated. A good man can mess up sometimes. I never said he was a saint, and I'm sure neither would he. Who is?

 

Also...please tell me how, if this was an affair, your situation was better? Was there not a poor MW at home trusting her man?

 

 

I'm 26. I know you didn't really mean that I should go for it. Thanks for being kind and not talking to me like I'm a deamon .

 

My situation was better for the following reasons:

 

1.

 

 

2.

 

 

3.

 

Yeah. It wasn't. It was far worse. We were very calculated in our affair and have been married for some time now.

 

And you are right, you are not engaged in an affair (yet) and I don't see you as a demon. What I see is some trashy guy who is willing to hurt his pregnant wife and risk her and possibly her baby's health by willingly sleeping around (if that is what it came to). You may not have any std's but he sure doesn't know that. You two know exactly what you are doing, having been there myself I know how this works. You can put a stop to this now. You don't have to be the woman that his wife will cry into her pillow over for the next several months of her life.

 

My situation was no better. And you can ask anyone here... generally I do not say these things to a (potential) OW. I realize I sound like a hypocrite right now but his wife is pregnant and stress is not good for her or the baby. I am telling you right now the road back from being a mistress is not an easy one and you do not want to take that road if you can help it. There are a couple of instances when a man cheating is particularly heinous and they are when his wife is ill (there are.a couple of BS's here who have dealt with that and it is excruciating) and when his wife is over there incubating his baby and he is so selfish that act of giving doesn't matter to him. Sorry... this is just how I feel.

 

Good luck. I hope you decide not to do this to yourself or to her.

 

I don't think you are a demon, I think you are lucky... right now you can still stop it before any real damage has occurred.

Edited by goodyblue
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But as it is right now, I don't know what she knows (maybe she knows he has a new friend) what she is like (does she treat him right?) Or how their relationship is set up (maybe she would be cool with some flirting) And I don't believe for a second any involvement with me, would stop him being a good daddy.

 

All of the above - none of your business.

 

And how she treats him will definitely take a turn for the worst if she finds out about you.

 

I misjudged you, you seemed simply confused in your first post. You're actually much more cold and calculated in your approach...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Goodyblue: A lot of what you said was a kick in the stomach (I know you mean it to help out) and I dunno....I don't have good answers. Of course I wouldn't want harm to come to a baby. Never. But I guess I'm thinking, no harm will come to the baby.

 

Anyway....that's a big leap really. He might be done with me already since he didn't text me back.

 

You ended up married to the man you were having an affair with?

 

All of the above - none of your business.

 

And how she treats him will definitely take a turn for the worst if she finds out about you.

 

I misjudged you, you seemed simply confused in your first post. You're actually much more cold and calculated in your approach...

 

Well its kind of my business. if she doesn't care about this, I have no reason to feel any guilt anyway. And he's not given me any reason to think she's s bad person. I'm just saying in answer to those questions.

 

Calculated how? Cold how? I keep saying I'm confused and thsts the truth. If you don't believe that, I don't know what I can tell you...

I'm just looking at things from different angles. So my replies are probably all over the place. Doesn't mean I'm being cold.

 

I've not even cheated with him. But I'm guessing some responses are from "burnt spouses" who are going to see this in the worst possible light.

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He likes you and he is in the dilemma of his life i think:( its a beautiful story and i hope in the end if the relationship with his wife is a dead one that you two will end up together, baby or not, but protect yourself and be true to yourself whatever that means' be ready to let him stay in his relationship if that is what he wants but without you in his life if it is hurting you:o watch out and listen to your emotions, if he is hurting you with what he says or does, say it, or leave the situation-- dont live in pain and hope:(

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To me- its not so much that he is married but that you were out alone and ended up going to some unknown persons house- that is not a great idea-

 

Anything after that is just icing on the cake for a day of bad judgement-

 

Please protect yourself and your safety-

Exactly!

 

These guys could have drugged and raped you or worse.

 

I'll admit when I was late teens and early twenties I'd hitch a ride with strangers, but I realise now it was very dangerous. I could have wound up dead.

 

Thoughts.....perhaps he does find you attractive - but it doesn't matter because he's married. Why put yourself in the mix of his new marriage and baby on the way. This nonsense of you can't help it or the heart wants what it wants, is purely selfish thinking.

 

Doesn't married mean unavailable to people anymore ....get a grip and stop telling a MM you like him. How would like it if you were in his wife's position? Please have some empathy and back off.

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One day you will be pregnant and vulnerable and you will remember the time you pursued another pregnant woman's husband. It will haunt you every time your man walks out the door to work, knowing there are women he meets every day just like you.

 

Do unto others.

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Why would a man sit there telling me he loves his wife while cuddling up and rubbing my back?

 

because you're his cuddle b*tch.

 

because he likes the flirting and enjoys having you act like a teen over him. it seems like he treats you like a child with a crush (you do seem VERY young) & probably knows that you're not experienced with situations like these (it shows).

 

if i had a penny for every single time i met a man or heard someone meet a man who acted "in conflict" -- like, come on... you've never met a dude who acts like this guy with mixed signals? EVER?

 

how old are you?

 

p.s. you aren't confused. it's pretty clear what you want, you made all the first moves but you have the need to act confused & "i'm usually not like that" in order to avoid the backlash. that's really what it is.

Edited by minimariah
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One day you will be pregnant and vulnerable and you will remember the time you pursued another pregnant woman's husband. It will haunt you every time your man walks out the door to work, knowing there are women he meets every day just like you.

 

Do unto others.

 

sassygirl, i wouldnt want a man that was susceptible to being with another woman no matter how many/how much women throw themselves at him, it is about his feelings not about women being bad for liking him and trying their luck, its up to him rejecting them only having eyes for me:love: and the same goes for me if other men would try their luck, which is only natural;) i see this as a welcome test of the relationship, is there love or is there not-)

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Well its kind of my business. if she doesn't care about this, I have no reason to feel any guilt anyway.

 

she CARES about it. not caring means an OPEN MARRIAGE & if that was the case - he would've told you already.

 

you linked arms, his response was "if my wife sees..." - & you're wondering if she cares...? seriously?

 

& it's not your business because you won't be any less guilty if she treates him badly or "doesn't care" - don't delude yourself.

 

Ok I'm a sarcastic/silly type person.

 

you're not silly - you're immature. it's clear in the way you write this story.

Edited by minimariah
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Goodyblue: A lot of what you said was a kick in the stomach (I know you mean it to help out) and I dunno....I don't have good answers. Of course I wouldn't want harm to come to a baby. Never. But I guess I'm thinking, no harm will come to the baby.

 

Anyway....that's a big leap really. He might be done with me already since he didn't text me back.

 

You ended up married to the man you were having an affair with?

 

 

 

Well its kind of my business. if she doesn't care about this, I have no reason to feel any guilt anyway. And he's not given me any reason to think she's s bad person. I'm just saying in answer to those questions.

 

Calculated how? Cold how? I keep saying I'm confused and thsts the truth. If you don't believe that, I don't know what I can tell you...

I'm just looking at things from different angles. So my replies are probably all over the place. Doesn't mean I'm being cold.

 

I've not even cheated with him. But I'm guessing some responses are from "burnt spouses" who are going to see this in the worst possible light.

 

If you have said things, done things with him that the two of you wouldn't do in front of his wife, cheating has already occurred. Does one have to be a burnt spouse to have a little compassion for a young pregnant woman? To me your posts honestly read like he's moving to slow.

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I would feel bad on his wife and baby if we were cheating.

 

you ARE cheating.

this is where your immaturity shines through because you can't recognize the emotional affair you're having or at least the beginning of one and frankly... you don't care -- which is even worse. so even if you had a full blown affair - you'd STILL find yourself a convenient excuse to convince yourself that nothing bad will happen.

 

But as it is right now, I don't know what she knows (maybe she knows he has a new friend) what she is like (does she treat him right?) Or how their relationship is set up (maybe she would be cool with some flirting)

 

again -- they clearly don't have an open marriage, everything else makes what you're doing NOT okay. if she's a bad person, if she treats him super bad, if their relationship is bad... none of that won't make your affair okay. you need to understand that -- part of your finally growing up & taking the responsibility for yoir actions.

 

And I don't believe for a second any involvement with me, would stop him being a good daddy.

 

to be honest... he probably won't be a very hands-on dad. to already risk & put his wife into danger of possible stress induced miscarriage by having an affair (YES, that happens) -- probably one of those dads who love their kids but don't really know how to raise or take proper care of them, leaving it all to the wife.

 

he is married with a pregnant wife - what on EARTH are you doing? you're 26 - time to grow up, don't you think?

 

p.s. he is playing you, if it wasn't already obvious.

Edited by minimariah
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sassygirl, i wouldnt want a man that was susceptible to being with another woman no matter how many/how much women throw themselves at him, it is about his feelings not about women being bad for liking him and trying their luck, its up to him rejecting them only having eyes for me:love: and the same goes for me if other men would try their luck, which is only natural;) i see this as a welcome test of the relationship, is there love or is there not-)

 

Won't matter. Just knowing what she did will be enough to mess with her head.

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Won't matter. Just knowing what she did will be enough to mess with her head.

shoulnt it mess with your head too now that you there are people looking at it differently? if the wife were right next to him when this happened i would show respect and talk equally to them both but in this case he was alone in the city or alone for a walk so she could only assume the man was available, afterall where was the pregnant wife? those arguments doesnt matter i still think other people flirting and trying their luck is not a problem in fact welcome, the problem is if the comitted part flirts back:cool: then the commitment is broken, that relationship shows its fundamental nothingness or whatever to call it:cool:

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He likes you and he is in the dilemma of his life i think:( its a beautiful story and i hope in the end if the relationship with his wife is a dead one that you two will end up together, baby or not...

 

lmao, WHAT STORY? they only met each other ONE WEEK ago. you can't be serious, LOL.

 

those arguments doesnt matter i still think other people flirting and trying their luck is not a problem in fact welcome...

 

trying your luck with someone who comes with that burden of being married, having a family & being tied to their spouse for the rest of their lives is in NO WAY welcome. it's welcome to those who are mostly oblivious to the pain and damage an affair can do & don't really think about the longterm consequences of their actions.

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shoulnt it mess with your head too now that you there are people looking at it differently? if the wife were right next to him when this happened i would show respect and talk equally to them both but in this case he was alone in the city or alone for a walk so she could only assume the man was available, afterall where was the pregnant wife? those arguments doesnt matter i still think other people flirting and trying their luck is not a problem in fact welcome, the problem is if the comitted part flirts back:cool: then the commitment is broken, that relationship shows its fundamental nothingness or whatever to call it:cool:

 

If you're being true to who you are, why act differently in the two scenarios? I would respect the wife whether she was around or not.

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If you're being true to who you are, why act differently in the two scenarios? I would respect the wife whether she was around or not.

 

I dont respect illusions;) i like to test things to each their own, you probably are wise and avoiding a lot of heartache;) but again who takes no chances wont win anything:cool:

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I dont respect illusions

 

many tests AKA affairs are exactly that though.

 

and the WIFE, as a human being cannot be an illusion. so you're being disrespectful while "trying your luck" either way because, at that point, you don't know if your flirt will be returned from the commited side.

 

if it's not returned - only THEN you decide to be respectful because the committed side clearly isn't interested and values what they have at home.

 

it's... backwards, to say the least.

Edited by minimariah
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