wife's libido after first child

[pteromom]

gawd, do NOT let the frequency of your sex drop any further than it has already. this is a one way street...once it is gone it is GONE. demand normal sex (which should be many times a week)

 

This is a good way to build resentment and make your wife hate sex.

 

Sex has to be freely GIVEN, not DEMANDED.

 

OP, just be kind, gentle, understanding, and helpful. You will get through this.

 

You have to understand that a young baby takes up a lot of her time and energy. What you will get in return as your child gets older will directly relate to what you give now.

 

Sex may be different for a while too. Being a mom can cause a woman to get "touched out" - having a baby on you constantly gives you a need for space. So if she's offering BJs or quickies, just happily accept and be understanding.

[SeasideMermaid]

In all honesty, and I know there are a lot of ladies on here, you need to find time for sex. Your husband is still the most important person in your life. Kids sleep. Babies sleep. In fact, they sleep a whole lot more than us as adults.

 

The most important person in my life is my husband? Isn't that rather up to me to decide? Because in my life, I don't play favorites... Everybody is important to me in various ways. And it's a sad little man who tries to compete with a child to feel the most important. And you know what? I'm a pretty darn important person to myself too, so where do I fit in?

 

Even if we were to buy this claim that our men are more important than ourselves and our children, just because you're the most important doesn't mean your needs are the most important needs to be attended to.

 

Now fellas, that doesn't mean you can just sit there and do nothing. Help her out around the house of course, grab a midnight feeding and let her sleep for a few hours. Stuff like that.

 

Ladies need a bit more than a emptied dishwasher and a full nights sleep to get in the mood. Women aren't dumb. If you do that sporadically, they'll know you are only doing it for sex. It's hard to be intimate with a guy who thinks he pushes a broom or two around, thus he'll get sex. You attend to her intimate needs and she'll get to yours.

 

Saying you are the most important person in her life and you took out the trash and so you deserve sex... Not so much.

 

But you have to work together. Sex is the best feeling in the world. Nothing compares. You need to find time for that. Intimacy is important in a relationship.

 

Sex is amazing but there are tons of other feelings that rival that feeling. Especially after a baby is born. Not the least of them being a husband who is a partner and not another person adding sex to her "to do" list.

 

I'm a sexual gal. I have sex with my husband 4-5 times a week at the least and we once had sex 16 times in a 24 hour window. We didn't have a drop in frequency even immediately after the kids were born (I actually gave him a BJ in the hospital bathroom 12 hours after our first was born). The reason our sex life didn't dip is because he met my intimate needs, things like me time, massages, and taking care of me on an intimate, non-sexual level... And he met them consistently, not just when he wanted to get some. It made me want sex more.

 

But him telling me he's the most important thing in my life and he needs it and I need to find the time?

 

Lol... No.

[xxoo]

If you have to require it because you can't inspire it....think about that.

[oldshirt]

seems like she only wanted you to make a baby (or two) and the baby became the excuse not to bed you while actually the desire for you was never there only the desire to have a child? or i can be wrong only you know

 

I don't believe she only wanted me for sperm and I don't believe I fell for any kind of bait and switch. We had many years of hot monkey sex for many years before the kids came (we were married 6 years before our first) and for a numbers of years after her libido returned which was about a year or so after our second was born.

 

Her libido returned to about 85% of her prebaby levels, which was probably still higher than most women's baseline.

 

Our sex life tanked in the immediate aftermath of the kids coming but about a year or so after our second, things returned to an adequate level.

 

But I don't think anyone ever returns to exactly what they were once they become parents. Parenthood is forever and people are forever changed.

 

I assume I have changed in many ways too but father's presumably don't change as much.

[oldshirt]

Also comparing her to a stray cat who's not fun to play with anymore is probably not the best way to get more sex. Generally women don't like being compared to stray animals or stories where the lesson is that, after kids, they're less fun to play with and have around because they don't shower you with the love and attention you feel you deserve as you once enjoyed as the center of her universe.

 

I may not be the brightest bulb on the tree, but I'd never be dumb enough to tell that story to my wife LOL

 

nor would I ever tell any other guy to use that analogy around his wife either.

[autumnnight]

I may not be the brightest bulb on the tree, but I'd never be dumb enough to tell that story to my wife LOL

 

nor would I ever tell any other guy to use that analogy around his wife either.

 

It is my belief that the thoughts we entertain become attitudes we cannot completely hide.

[xxoo]

 

But I don't think anyone ever returns to exactly what they were once they become parents. Parenthood is forever and people are forever changed.

 

I assume I have changed in many ways too but father's presumably don't change as much.

 

I agree that parenthood changes us, but it is possible for some of those changes to be in the positive direction, even sexually.

 

Once my sex drive returned, I had a new desire for my husband beyond what I had before babies. It might be less "I'm constantly horny", but it's a lot more "I want to do everything and anything possible to please you". I just appreciate him more than ever.

[oldshirt]

I agree that parenthood changes us, but it is possible for some of those changes to be in the positive direction, even sexually.

 

Once my sex drive returned, I had a new desire for my husband beyond what I had before babies. It might be less "I'm constantly horny", but it's a lot more "I want to do everything and anything possible to please you". I just appreciate him more than ever.

 

And I'm sure that happens.

 

You may be reading a little too much into my posts.

 

My point is that life changes forever once you have kids. That happens in many ways on many levels. Not all of them good, not all of them bad.

[Dolfin80]

 

But you have to work together. Sex is the best feeling in the world. Nothing compares. You need to find time for that. Intimacy is important in a relationship.

 

except if you are or have turned asexual then sex feels like crap and u cry during it

[Clockwork]

except if you are or have turned asexual then sex feels like crap and u cry during it

 

Then you have much bigger problems............

 

 

The most important person in my life is my husband? Isn't that rather up to me to decide? Because in my life, I don't play favorites... Everybody is important to me in various ways. And it's a sad little man who tries to compete with a child to feel the most important. And you know what? I'm a pretty darn important person to myself too, so where do I fit in?

 

Even if we were to buy this claim that our men are more important than ourselves and our children, just because you're the most important doesn't mean your needs are the most important needs to be attended to.

 

 

 

Ladies need a bit more than a emptied dishwasher and a full nights sleep to get in the mood. Women aren't dumb. If you do that sporadically, they'll know you are only doing it for sex. It's hard to be intimate with a guy who thinks he pushes a broom or two around, thus he'll get sex. You attend to her intimate needs and she'll get to yours.

 

I'm a sexual gal. I have sex with my husband 4-5 times a week at the least and we once had sex 16 times in a 24 hour window. We didn't have a drop in frequency even immediately after the kids were born (I actually gave him a BJ in the hospital bathroom 12 hours after our first was born). The reason our sex life didn't dip is because he met my intimate needs, things like me time, massages, and taking care of me on an intimate, non-sexual level... And he met them consistently, not just when he wanted to get some. It made me want sex more.

 

But him telling me he's the most important thing in my life and he needs it and I need to find the time?

 

Lol... No.

 

Those things all come with the territory. It is implied I meant a little bit more than just sweeping up with a broom. Giving your wife a break because you would like to see her get rest is nice, regardless of whether or not it gets you sex. So I am with you on that one.

 

 

But yeah, I'll reiterate, a husband is the most important person in your life............and vice versa of course. Scroll around on these boards and you'll see people complaining about adultery, no sex, mistrust, divorce, etc. Why? Because once kids come people don't act like they are dating anymore. Always act like you are dating.

 

 

Now, I have kids, all of our kids sleep well and I am happy for that, but one of the reasons my wife got some much needed sleep was because I'd usually be awake for a midnight feeding. All of the sudden, she gets a full night's sleep and isn't so tired. Kids need to be fed, bathed, clothed, etc. We all agree with this. You don't abandon your baby in the middle of changing a diaper to go have sex. But............you never forget each other's needs either. Hence, why your spouse should always remain the most important person in your life. If they aren't, things can start to crumble. That goes well beyond sex, of course, but while we're on the topic, sex is included.

[Keats]

This thread is depressing.

 

Your wife isn't a robot. That she will peak at 30, be horny if she sleeps well, or be horny when she stops breastfeeding. Those things are theory. They do not apply to everyone.

 

The depressing thing is that most men and society in general doesn't realise how hard and painful and taxing it is to carry and baby, then birth one then take care of one.

 

That's a constant punch that doesn't let up in the female groin area. Pooing is a nightmare weeing is a nightmare, recovering after birth down there takes ages. Up to a year. A baby doesn't let you recover at all. Takes your sleep, takes your independence, then you have a husband who wants to punch her down there even more.

 

We have no words for the **** we go through as women. If you want to spend time with her then do so as a dad taking care of the baby. You come second. She's comes first then the baby. If she doesn't come first the babies welfare is down the drain. We have to deal with a monster called post partum depression. There are no words to describe this monster either.

 

If she is staying up late and enjoying her own company, it isn't her fault. It is her right. A baby takes everything. You don't feel feel you anymore. And by blaming her for staying up all your doing is taking her "me downtime" time away. And pushing your needs on her.

 

Her needs come first. She's been through long term pain physically mentally spiritually. You haven't.

 

These threads and attitudes among men all stem from an ignorance and lack of sensitivity towards the actual process of birthing itself. I bet you'd give more understanding to someone who was stabbed or broke a damn leg. But no if a woman has a baby the world thinks she should be able to bounce back already. Psh takes a year or two to recover and gain freedom from a baby. Last thing a wife wants is a self cnetered insensitive husband.

[Got it]

This thread is depressing.

 

Your wife isn't a robot. That she will peak at 30, be horny if she sleeps well, or be horny when she stops breastfeeding. Those things are theory. They do not apply to everyone.

 

The depressing thing is that most men and society in general doesn't realise how hard and painful and taxing it is to carry and baby, then birth one then take care of one.

 

That's a constant punch that doesn't let up in the female groin area. Pooing is a nightmare weeing is a nightmare, recovering after birth down there takes ages. Up to a year. A baby doesn't let you recover at all. Takes your sleep, takes your independence, then you have a husband who wants to punch her down there even more.

 

We have no words for the **** we go through as women. If you want to spend time with her then do so as a dad taking care of the baby. You come second. She's comes first then the baby. If she doesn't come first the babies welfare is down the drain. We have to deal with a monster called post partum depression. There are no words to describe this monster either.

 

If she is staying up late and enjoying her own company, it isn't her fault. It is her right. A baby takes everything. You don't feel feel you anymore. And by blaming her for staying up all your doing is taking her "me downtime" time away. And pushing your needs on her.

 

Her needs come first. She's been through long term pain physically mentally spiritually. You haven't.

 

These threads and attitudes among men all stem from an ignorance and lack of sensitivity towards the actual process of birthing itself. I bet you'd give more understanding to someone who was stabbed or broke a damn leg. But no if a woman has a baby the world thinks she should be able to bounce back already. Psh takes a year or two to recover and gain freedom from a baby. Last thing a wife wants is a self cnetered insensitive husband.

 

Keats, I don't disagree with this as I am in my third trimester right now and definitely feeling the impact.

 

But

 

 

A marriage is a partnership and there is a give a take. Yes the husband needs to understand the physical, mental and emotional impact of pregnancy, childbirth and childrearing but there is also a balance with the couple were we should be fueling each other's love bank. If I wasn't having any relations with my husband I don't think it is unreasonable or self centered for him to be upset by it. There can be an even balance and so if he is being a partner I need to be a partner back.

 

Again, it is a fluid give and take that is a lot in the grey. But I do think the best way to have these discussions is look at what the common goal needs to be and how as a team we are going to get there. It isn't about me vs my husband. It is about us tackling an issue.

[Keats]

No sorry, it's not about give and take. Not at that time. A wife sometimes is in no capacity to give. A mother comes first. A baby second. And the husband should follow that priority. Support you wife however. A year after birth, well what can I say, is the beginning of a nightmare that hasn't ended.

 

If you have the capacity to give and take at that moment great but a million other women don't. There should be no expectations. A woman already has a lot to do. And has been through a lot of trauma on top of that to have to deal with her life partner who added to that trauma by totally trivialising it. You wouldn't as a disabled person to hurry up or a person who was stabbed to quickly cook dinner already or expect a rape victim to be over their ordeal after a year. **** no.

 

What is with you men? I think I have more respect for the religious man who had some self control sexually at least, I am surrounded by them and their common woe isnt a selfish disregard for women at a time of hardship.

 

How about you for one second realise how traumatising birth is for a woman and give her time to get over the fact that sex did this in the first place.

 

It's not rocket science. We do feel pain and trauma.

 

Keats, I don't disagree with this as I am in my third trimester right now and definitely feeling the impact.

 

But

 

 

A marriage is a partnership and there is a give a take. Yes the husband needs to understand the physical, mental and emotional impact of pregnancy, childbirth and childrearing but there is also a balance with the couple were we should be fueling each other's love bank. If I wasn't having any relations with my husband I don't think it is unreasonable or self centered for him to be upset by it. There can be an even balance and so if he is being a partner I need to be a partner back.

 

Again, it is a fluid give and take that is a lot in the grey. But I do think the best way to have these discussions is look at what the common goal needs to be and how as a team we are going to get there. It isn't about me vs my husband. It is about us tackling an issue.

[Got it]

No sorry, it's not about give and take. Not at that time. A wife sometimes is in no capacity to give. A mother comes first. A baby second. And the husband should follow that priority. Support you wife however. A year after birth, well what can I say, is the beginning of a nightmare that hasn't ended.

 

If you have the capacity to give and take at that moment great but a million other women don't. There should be no expectations. A woman already has a lot to do. And has been through a lot of trauma on top of that to have to deal with her life partner who added to that trauma by totally trivialising it. You wouldn't as a disabled person to hurry up or a person who was stabbed to quickly cook dinner already or expect a rape victim to be over their ordeal after a year. **** no.

 

What is with you men? I think I have more respect for the religious man who had some self control sexually at least, I am surrounded by them and their common woe isnt a selfish disregard for women at a time of hardship.

 

How about you for one second realise how traumatising birth is for a woman and give her time to get over the fact that sex did this in the first place.

 

It's not rocket science. We do feel pain and trauma.

 

Keats, slow your roll. If you actually read what I wrote you would see I am most definitely female and a pregnant one at that. And "sex" didn't do this to me. This was a long journey through IVF. So I am very familiar with what it takes to get pregnant and everything that can be asked of the woman and the couple.

 

I think you are far too one sided on this and we will need to agree to disagree. I have not viewed pregnancy and child rearing in such a doomsday outlook as you seem to.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think she is probably exhausted. Also, if her body has changed that may make her feel self-conscious or undesirable.

 

Maybe you can help her with the baby a tad more or get friends/baby sitters to help. Let her catch up on rest; make sure she eats well and drinks a lot. Go away for a weekend if you can. Talk with her and emotionally connect. Show her you understand what she's going through. A little patience I think will work here