wife's libido after first child

[xxoo]

The libido isn't gone forever, it comes back to a degree. Some woman almost to to prebaby levels, for some women a lot less and for some a way lot less.

 

I'm sure somewhere out there there are a few it even comes back more.

 

But what's gone forever is the kitten that sees you as the center of its world and wants to play and frolic and have fun with you every day.

 

Why gone forever? Kids grow. I can't remember I had a child climb on my lap. I'm back to climbing on his lap. It makes it all the more fun to watch the teens roll their eyes

 

 

If a guy simply wants to be the center of his girl's attention and wants to play and frolic and have sex all the time, he needs to get the plumbing disconnected right then and there. Men that are self-oriented and all about themselves, should never make babies. It will make them miserable and they in turn will make everyone else miserable.

 

I'm sure there are women the same way. Same thing applies to them.

 

If I could change the world, I'd make it ok for people to choose to not have kids and there would be no societal pressure and expectation to procreate and everyone's grandmother and nosey aunts would accept that some people are not parent material and let the individual determine if they want to have kids or not.

 

I agree that only people who want the parenting experience should be parents. But I don't agree that women stop focusing on their lover forever after becoming parents. For every thing, there is a season.

[autumnnight]

I'm pretty convinced that the whole " women hit their sexual peak in their 30's" thing only refers to single women, with no kids, on Holiday weekends or work retreats, after some drinks, way before their period, and after a breakup.

 

or something like that.

 

I have to comment here about the cruelty of fate, or the gods, or whatever. men who want their women all the time seem to marry women who are stereotypically meh and at times condescending about the "silliness" of sex.

 

Women with high drives and adventurous spirits tend to marry practically asexual or orientation-confused passive guys.

 

Not fair.

[Got it]

Information on breastfeeding and libido.

 

Libido and Breastfeeding - Where Did My Sex Drive Go? | BellyBelly

 

Will breastfeeding interfere with my sex drive? | BabyCenter

 

5 Reasons For Low Libido When Breastfeeding

 

Anything safe to help libido? - Mothering Forums

[BlueBlood]

I asked earlier about her having some other moms to befriend or do a baby playgroup with because emotional support from other moms can really help you feel less stressed and tense. It also gives you a sounding board so when the husband comes home he isn't bombarded with baby centric questions and the need for human contact of a non sexual nature. It can be tough being at home with a baby, other moms help make it feel easier and social support cannot be over rated. Anything that helps your wife feel understood, in a place where she can laugh and socialize, will help her stress levels.

 

And while I understand her desire for a few baby free evening hours, I think there can be compromise. Maybe she stays up only on weekends. It seems counterproductive to stay up so late feel tired all day miss bedtime snuggles with your husband, rinse and repeat.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I have to comment here about the cruelty of fate, or the gods, or whatever. men who want their women all the time seem to marry women who are stereotypically meh and at times condescending about the "silliness" of sex.

 

Women with high drives and adventurous spirits tend to marry practically asexual or orientation-confused passive guys.

 

Not fair.

 

 

yep, and before long, one meets the other at a work event and boom. The internet creates an infidelity forum.

[ShatteredLady]

Forgive me if I'm wrong in your case....

 

The more deprived someone feels the LESS effort they seem to put into being giving (I don't mean sexually). Personally I find it really hard to spend all day running around after little kids, screaming, wanting & needing. Cooking meals when I'm dead on my feet. Feeling wound-up & stressed. Wanting nothing more than relaxing, talking to a grown up, being held & understood...only to be groped & expected to jump on it. THEN having to deal with another sulking child! That's SOooooo unattractive!!

 

Is she sitting up for hours after the babies in bed because she's tidying & preparing for the next day? If so, do those things for your family AFTER running her a nice bath, glass of wine & her music. Offer a massage & AVOID those areas. Make it ALL about giving & enjoying her pleasure & new body. Give & you will receive ;-)

 

Nothing is more of a turn on than a selfless man in that situation. I bet she doesn't feel like the most attractive sexy woman on earth...stretch marks & leaky boobs are rarely a mans 'thing'. Know what I mean? "I'm a boob man!", "I'm a bum man"...."I'm an exhausted, deshevelled, runny boob man!".

 

You can make her feel a lot more sexy. Sulking & needy isn't going to cut it.

 

Make her feel like you're obsessed with the motherly, vulumptuous woman she is. Just being horny makes a woman feel like you're so desperate you'd be happy sticking it in anywhere even if she's just lying back & thinking of England. As a new Mum I wanted to feel truly desired as that NEW woman NOT as a sex object because he hadn't got some in a while.

 

Did she have stitches? That & natural boob changes made me a bit insecure. Knowing that my H felt like the changes made me more HIS, his stretch marks, his big boobs etc, more sexy, almost like he'd helped create my new body & he LOVED it was a big turn on.

[kilgore]

I asked earlier about her having some other moms to befriend or do a baby playgroup with because emotional support from other moms can really help you feel less stressed and tense. It also gives you a sounding board so when the husband comes home he isn't bombarded with baby centric questions and the need for human contact of a non sexual nature. It can be tough being at home with a baby, other moms help make it feel easier and social support cannot be over rated. Anything that helps your wife feel understood, in a place where she can laugh and socialize, will help her stress levels.

 

And while I understand her desire for a few baby free evening hours, I think there can be compromise. Maybe she stays up only on weekends. It seems counterproductive to stay up so late feel tired all day miss bedtime snuggles with your husband, rinse and repeat.

Good practical advice

[Clockwork]

I am not sure if this will help, but even small things such as letting her have a rest during the afternoon (you take your daughter to the park, to run errands, etc.) can help with a wife being less tired. It works for me, and I'm not the type that does it all the time, but I do it often enough so she has a break. Wives find that sexy.

 

 

For me, the sex has stayed the same since day one. My wife is pregnant again and has woken me up twice while I was sleeping this week to have sex, and I am the one who is almost always the aggressor. So yeah, her libido hasn't changed, but it might be because she gets a lot of rest.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "I've noticed that quality and frequency of sex has declined. It's not bad. I'm still getting sex. I just feel like the horny passion is gone."

 

Running around after a nearly 1 year old is EXHAUSTING! The terrible 2's & the boundary pushing 3's are yet to come!!

 

I joined the local 'Mom's Club'. They have them in all areas. I also joined different classes & clubs (Library, Kindermusic, kids gym etc). This REALLY helped with the mind numbing repetition of baby routines & stress. It's not about the activity. It's about meeting other Moms & couples in a similar boat.

 

These are issues that new Moms discuss with eachother. I kind of 'fed-off' of others experiences. The best part was we made real friends. Solved the child care issues & started having a real social life. Drinking & laughing for an evening naturally progresses into 'Horney sex' when you get home!

 

Being a new Mum can be overwhelming. Regardless, being told that I'm making sex boring & unsatisfying isn't exactly a turn-on! She's naturally dealing with being a Mum. You can make her feel like a sexy WOMAN again.

Many complain about lack of sex life with little kids. At least you guys are getting some!! If you want sex less routine make her life less routine....

[loveboid]

Get yourself some nursing light bulbs. These are orange and help mamas and babies get back sleep. It would also help your wife go to sleep earlier. She may stay up at night because that's the only alone time she gets but she may be reading on her bright electronic devices or watching tv which is keeping her up. Articles are popping up now about mobile devices keeping people up.

 

I saw a study that said sleep deprivation makes women enjoy sex less. Another study says sleep deprivation makes people have negative feelings.

 

Also have her spend time outside every day. Sunshine makes people sleep better including kids. If kid is sleeping better so is mom.

 

If you have a yoga studio I would make her go every day! She could drop baby off for an hour at family, friends or daycare.

 

P.S. And buy her some perfume!

[spanz1]

gawd, do NOT let the frequency of your sex drop any further than it has already. this is a one way street...once it is gone it is GONE. demand normal sex (which should be many times a week)

[Noideanow]

When I was a kid my dad came home with a kitten one from work that someone was trying to get rid of. That kitten and I would play and chase each other around the house all day. Every day when I'd get home from school it would meet me at the door and we would play and rough house the rest if the evening.

 

One day it was acting funny and would be crawling around with its @$$ it the air rubbing itself on everything and making weird noises all day and night. It wouldn't really play with me, it would just back up to the furniture and rub its @$$ against it. I asked my mom what was wrong with it and she informed me in somewhat disgust that it was in heat and told me what "heat" was.

 

Not long after that someone opened the front door and the cat dart out between their legs and was gone. I was scared and worried and spent days searching the neighborhood for it but to no avail.

 

Then one day it showed back up at the door like nothing had happened.

 

It really wouldn't play with me though and was just roaming around the house like it was looking for something.

 

A few weeks later we noticed her growing belly.

 

And of course some time after that she scrapped out a little of kittens in the dirty laundry hamper.

 

The kittens were cute but I kept trying to play with the mother cat but she would never play with me. The kittens grew and dad found them homes and they were gone but the mother cat still never played me anymore.

 

She never met me at the door anymore. She played me anymore and would never want to sleep on my bed anymore. She was a different cat in the same body.

 

One day I told mom about it and told her all my frustrations with the cat.

 

She told me that she was now a mother and would never again be the fun, frolliky, carefree kitten she once was. She told me once a mother has babies, she is never again the same animal that waits by the door for you and plays with you untill cuddling up to go to sleep at night. Her world was now filled with other things and her "playfully" hormones were flushed away by all her mother hormones.

 

I was bummed but life went on. Sometime the cat would rub up against my leg and want to be petted. Some times it would cuddle with me for a little while. And occasionally it would even sleep with me. But they days of my being her world and playing with me all day were gone forever.

 

22 years later the exact same thing happened when my daughter was born. The playful kitten that looked at me as the center of her world and played with me all day was gone forever.

 

you married the wrong woman and the cat you had exactly wanted another man-cat to play with:cool: dont believe everything your mother tells you;) but a sweet story:)

[Noideanow]

I'll be frank, it sucked. It was a hard pill to swallow. I had gotten used to a string of playful kittens and now I was yoked to no-nonsense adult mother who's priority in life was taking care of her babies and not playing and cuddling with me.

 

In your case the frequency has declined. In my case it basically stopped and when we did find the time and wherewithal to be together, the quality had dropped clear off the charts. It was like trying to make love to an alien that had taken over my wife's body and that alien had no particular love, attraction or desire for me.

 

The sucky part is a couple years later when we did start getting a wee bit of the moon back, lo and behold here comes our son and it was another two years before the dead fires started to glow and flicker a little again.

 

I made all the mistakes and did all the whining and bitching and attempted negotiating. That just made it worse. I would dream of divorcing and moving on. I would dream and fantasize about having an affair and getting a FB/FWB.

 

I would get envious when I'd hear of some married guy getting a FWB behind his wife's back, but that just wasn't how I was raised.

 

Eventually things got tolerable again.

 

Then they got OK.

 

Then they got good.

 

Then there was even a number of years of awesome, but there was some extenuating circumstances.

 

seems like she only wanted you to make a baby (or two) and the baby became the excuse not to bed you while actually the desire for you was never there only the desire to have a child? or i can be wrong only you know

[GemmaUK]

Anyway, I understand about the sleep part. My wife sleeps any chance she gets. I do try to help out around the house as much as I 'can'. I do help out with laundry, cleaning and do the dishes almost every night.

 

I don't see help with the childcare in here at all?

Why is that?

 

I suspect she stays up until midnight so that she gets a few hours of time to herself each day without having to take care of the child solely.

How often do you take the little one off out for a few hours (easily done with expressed milk) so your wife has some time to just do things for herself?

How often do you bathe the child and put him/her to bed per week?

[autumnnight]

gawd, do NOT let the frequency of your sex drop any further than it has already. this is a one way street...once it is gone it is GONE. demand normal sex (which should be many times a week)

 

Have you EVER been married or had children????

[xxoo]

gawd, do NOT let the frequency of your sex drop any further than it has already. this is a one way street...once it is gone it is GONE. demand normal sex (which should be many times a week)

 

Don't do this. Her libido will come back. You want to preserve her attraction to you for when it does, not kill it forever.

[Art_Critic]

demand normal sex

 

.... that will ensure you never ever have sex again.... seriously...

[beanie66f]

gawd, do NOT let the frequency of your sex drop any further than it has already. this is a one way street...once it is gone it is GONE. demand normal sex (which should be many times a week)

 

ROFL " Normal sex...many times a week..."

 

??? With a one year old that is still nursing

 

Really??? Do not take this advice unless you would like to be sleeping on a couch.

[ShatteredLady]

My daughter could climb stairs at 9 months old! I had 2 kids with no support system. I spent all day, every day following my daughter around. 9 month olds are NOT clever!! She would climb ANYTHING! I didn't get the chance to do all the other chores while she was awake (which was all the time! She NEVER napped!) so I was staying up late to clean, tidy & prepare for the next day.

 

Unless this was an immaculate conception you got into this parent thing together. Work together. TALK but for the love of god don't be demanding anything let alone "Horney sex". Is this a partnership or a dictatorship?

 

The 2 of you are having regular sex quite frequently from what you've said. You're just missing the crazy, horney, rip each-others clothes off passion & to be completely honest with the exhaustion, sleep deprivation, hormone changes, leaky boobs etc that's just NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!

 

There's a lot of projection going on here & some truly horrible sexist, dark ages type advise! I'm surprised that some of the posters here have ever found a woman who would tolerate them!

 

Having babies is truly life changing (understatement of the century), it brings countless joys but I've NEVER heard a woman say it made her crazy horney, best sex ever! If you pull together as a couple it will return. If you blame her for not tucking the baby in & rushing downstairs to rip your clothes off you're heading for resentment & divorce down the line.

 

What kind of marriage do you want?

[SeasideMermaid]

I asked earlier about her having some other moms to befriend or do a baby playgroup with because emotional support from other moms can really help you feel less stressed and tense. It also gives you a sounding board so when the husband comes home he isn't bombarded with baby centric questions and the need for human contact of a non sexual nature. It can be tough being at home with a baby, other moms help make it feel easier and social support cannot be over rated. Anything that helps your wife feel understood, in a place where she can laugh and socialize, will help her stress levels.

 

If my husband told me to get female friends who were mothers so I would be less stressed, not "bombarding" him with baby centric questions and my need for non sexual contact so I'm more in the mood to have sex, the last thing he'd ever get is more sex. More like death by fire.

 

And while I understand her desire for a few baby free evening hours, I think there can be compromise. Maybe she stays up only on weekends. It seems counterproductive to stay up so late feel tired all day miss bedtime snuggles with your husband, rinse and repeat.

 

When my kids were young I looked forward to those baby free evening hours like people look forward to Christmas. Tell me that we should compromise by giving up that time so I can be told when to go to bed so sex will happen? Death. Death by fire. No sex for you.

 

My husband was a damn genius. He gave me that free time to do whatever I wanted and told me when I was ready for a massage, he had a bottle of the good lotion, pick a movie or a show, and come find him. Foreplay, me being taken care of, intimacy, and lots o sex. Plus I could catch up on my shows. It was perfect.

 

What men don't get and I see it being mocked a bit here by guys who aren't understanding what's going on is that having actual, honest to God you time is stupidly important as a mother. You need time to be you and not the primary point of contact on every member of the households to do list. The baby needs food, the kids need attention, now the kids are asleep and it's time to tackle the husband to do list of sex and being the supportive wife... It's exhausting and the way some guys present it is freaking annoying. You want a few hours were you can be that normal human you were who watched trash TV or exercised or who read TMZ every night and didn't think everybody who was around you was only coming to find you because they need something.

 

You want sex? Fight for her to get free time as passionately as she does. Encourage intimacy and make compromises and realize if you treat sex as an obligation then she'll add it to her mental to-do list and treat it with the same enthusiasm as she does doing the dishes. Don't demand sex when her arms are still warm from holding a baby. Women can't go from mom mode to sex mode as fast as men can. And figure out that she's making a butt ton of compromises to be a mother. Things changed for her forever and this includes dealing with changes in her husband. Maybe that means you as a husband should make adjustments too. Having a wife who mothers a baby all day and still has it in her to rattle the roofs with a porn star romp that melts your socks is a bit much.

[SeasideMermaid]

Also comparing her to a stray cat who's not fun to play with anymore is probably not the best way to get more sex. Generally women don't like being compared to stray animals or stories where the lesson is that, after kids, they're less fun to play with and have around because they don't shower you with the love and attention you feel you deserve as you once enjoyed as the center of her universe.

[Clockwork]

In all honesty, and I know there are a lot of ladies on here, you need to find time for sex. Your husband is still the most important person in your life. Kids sleep. Babies sleep. In fact, they sleep a whole lot more than us as adults.

 

 

Now fellas, that doesn't mean you can just sit there and do nothing. Help her out around the house of course, grab a midnight feeding and let her sleep for a few hours. Stuff like that.

 

 

But you have to work together. Sex is the best feeling in the world. Nothing compares. You need to find time for that. Intimacy is important in a relationship.

[autumnnight]

In all honesty, and I know there are a lot of ladies on here, you need to find time for sex. Your husband is still the most important person in your life. Kids sleep. Babies sleep. In fact, they sleep a whole lot more than us as adults.

\I am commenting on all of this as a high libido woman who was in a sex starved marriage - no whiny "sex is silly and unimportant" here from me, but....

Yeah, we need to find time for sex. Thanks for the directive. Are you offering free babysitting? And babies sleep a lot? Yeah...in 30 minute snatches sometimes...after we have fed, changed, and burped them....and changed our gown because we leaked milk all over....and then we have bout 30 minutes after all that to sleep till they want to eat again. Have you actually had a baby? I mean, a normal one?

 

Now fellas, that doesn't mean you can just sit there and do nothing. Help her out around the house of course, grab a midnight feeding and let her sleep for a few hours. Stuff like that.

 

This. Yes. A thousand times this.

 

 

But you have to work together. Sex is the best feeling in the world. Nothing compares. You need to find time for that. Intimacy is important in a relationship.

 

Sex is the best feeling in the world except for the first 6 months after a baby is born. The best feeling then is REM sleep. When you push a basketball out of your pee pee area then we can talk about what women are supposed to do

 

Like I said, I am high drive, and I have a very particular disdain (yeah, I said it, disdain) for women who think it is okay not to have sex with their husbands (if you didn't plan on being sexual, stay single).

 

BUT...seriously, some of this is clueless.

[xxoo]

But you have to work together. Sex is the best feeling in the world. Nothing compares. You need to find time for that. Intimacy is important in a relationship.

 

In general, I'd agree with you that sex is the best feeling in the world.

 

But for a time after my kids were born, it didn't feel that great. It ranged from painful to ok but nothing great. My body just wasn't ready for making a new baby, so the sex drive was OFF.

 

We know what it feels like for sex to be great and exciting and pleasurable. Do you guys know what it feels like for sex not to feel that way?

 

But the good news is--it comes back!

[autumnnight]

In general, I'd agree with you that sex is the best feeling in the world.

 

But for a time after my kids were born, it didn't feel that great. It ranged from painful to ok but nothing great. My body just wasn't ready for making a new baby, so the sex drive was OFF.

 

We know what it feels like for sex to be great and exciting and pleasurable. Do you guys know what it feels like for sex not to feel that way?

 

But the good news is--it comes back!

 

Your boss is on your back. You just lost 2 big clients, and your job is on the line. You have a big presentation next week, and the outcome will affect your future. Your fantasy football team is tanking, you don't know how you'll pay of a big debt, and yesterday some guy kneed you directly in the "boys" - hard - during a basketball game. Not to mention that your mother in law has been in town for a week.

 

Wanna have sex right this second, dude?