Post break up after year long relationship - ! UPDATED

[ScienceGal]

I'm day 26 post breakup and day 23 NC (almost 2yr relationship).

I am nowhere near being healed, but I do feel better than day 1. Give yourself time and give yourself major credit! You're doing a great job at loving yourself. Try to not worry about what he is doing. Keep your head forward!

[Travelchick84]

Thank you everyone!!

@thunder777 he removed me from fb already but hasn't blocked me so felt there was no need for me to do it - and if he does even check mine just to see what I may or may not be up to well he can crack on. I'm just pissed off with him as he has done this in a blasé way like nothing mattered...until the dust settles and he will realise that he is not going to be better off! But I will be because I want marriage and I want to live with a partner - something he is too scared to do with anyone again and like the above reply said, think of the negatives which helps. I have my good memories and they will stay but I guess I'm at the stage between anger and acceptance now and you guys are super great for helping! Knowing there are so many of you going through the same I don't feel so alone despite being all the way here in uk - big thanks to you all x

[singme2sleep]

Thank you for your replies.

I know you're all spot on and that it gets easier, but like for this morning, I had a horrible dream about him last night and now I'm up and about and I think this time last year was when I first met him and then I compare it to now and it's just nothing.

It makes me sad that we were once so good and inseparable and now I can't even ask him anything! It's so hard sometimes, I think has this all happened in a year?! I was so happy last October when we got together, and this October is going to be awful knowing that I was dumped just before our year anniversary together.

I feel like he should give a **** as much as I do about what happened to us - after all he was the coward who hid behind his phone and did this.

I just want him to feel alone and realise just what he has done!!!

 

I'm right there with you, I know exactly how you feel. I hate that can't talk to him like I used to. He was my bestfriend and now what?!

[Travelchick84]

I'm right there with you, I know exactly how you feel. I hate that can't talk to him like I used to. He was my bestfriend and now what?!

 

I know...it's awful. We just have to think that they are miserable and going through too much crap for them to actually see what they have done. Like Ella Eyre says in her song..."they always come back"...we have to make ourselves better and heal. I lost myself and my inner strength at the end, and although I am heartbroken I want to be with someone who loves and cares about me all the time...not someone who says it, enjoys me for almost a year and everything else with it then puts me in the toy box because they get scared and decided when they want to be with me and constantly blowing hot and cold. We are worth more than that and the more we say it to each other and to ourselves then more I hope it gets easier. That's why I am thankful for this site and the people on it x

[thora-tiki]

Hi, buddy!

 

Your ex-hole sounds like a child, emotionally speaking, a child in an adult body.

 

In the relationship you gave and gave and gave...


He, in return, bitched, moaned, cried, was a mean douche bag...

 

What a gem! Hah!

 

Lucky for you he was also a great kisser and made you tingle all over your body.

Eughblegh!

 

He is no victim, and neither are you. Don't forget there was a time he didn't know you.

 

He did just fine, without using you then - and will do just fine now.


Best part: So will you.

 

I urge you to read about borderline personality disorder (bpd).

Maybe your ex is just damaged goods, or a child in an adult body, or maybe he has bpd.

 

Who fu*king cares.

You still need to read up about this, and protect yourself.

Because he is toxic:

 

BPD: Sex, Love and War

COULD MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME?? The Borderline and You

 

No contact will do you, and him, a lot of good.

 

You are here to repair your self esteem (or whatever you need to work on).

To help yourself.

 

You ask:

Why hasn’t he blocked me?

Why does he still remember my number?

 

Wha wha wha.

 

Forget why this, or why that.

 

Here are some other questions:

What if the real truth hasn't manifested itself yet?

 

You are worrying about something that isn't going to happen for a long time.

What's the point?

 

The Mayan's thought that the year 2012 was the last year for our planet,

that the world would end in December 2012.

 

Why didn't that happen?

Why?

Why?

 

Worry about that for a while.

 

Muhahaha!

 

Stop thinking about all the wonderful memories, instead think about how emotionally draining this relationship has been.

 

You have been dating a vampire. Wake the fu*k up!

 

Not the sexy kind from tv-shows like Kindred the embraced, True Blood, Buffy or films like Interview with a vampire etc.

 


But an: argue starting, selfish, let me complain to you about YOU, button pushing, game playing, toxic,

MEMEMEME, holiday-wrecking-bastard.

 

I can make you a sign, when I find enough light bulbs.

Pahaha!

 

Also:

Stop cyber stalking your ex.

It seems to me you're just looking to make an excuse to break no contact.

 

Focus on getting your life back, not on figuring out what your Mr. Sh*tface McDouche (Ha!) wants,

he is old enough to figure that out on his own, and take action to get it.

Stop thinking about what he will, or won't do.

 

Stop pining and start working on what is important: you feeling better!

 

I went through months of this same bullsh*t - do you wanna do that?

 

You have the luxury to end this now just weeks in.

 

My advice to you is: take it!

 

This, what we (you, me, all of us missing the ex) are feeling right now, is not love, it is obsession.

 

Who knows if he'll come back? It doesn't really matter at this point. If you let him back too easily then this no contact, was all for nothing.

You need to work on yourself, your issues.

He needs to work on his sh*t as well, but I really don't give a fu*k about him, I care about you.

 

Stop making the same mistakes over and over. Your ex has made a lot of mistakes - you can't change him -

but the great thing is that you can work on YOU.

Yes, sounds exiting, right.

Exercising, reading, talking on the phone with friends you haven't talked to in a while, go see a play, clean out your closet, apartment,

support other forum members, help an elderly over the street, start taking some Omega 3, it's cheap and it's a great mood-stabilisers.

So are nuts.

 

You will need to use every tool you can find, and every ounce of strength you can muster to win... but you will win if you do not give up and keep on fighting.

Losing a few battles doesn't matter as long as you win the war.

 

Let him go, and gain control of your life

When the ex-hole plagues your mind:

Get annoyed with him.

Who the fu*k is he?

 

Answer:

Just a squatter in your mind. He doesn't pay rent to stay in your mind/head, or even takes out the trash whilst he is in there.

 

Idiot ex-hole.

 

He is just being selfish.

Get annoyed, say:

Get out of my mind/head, Sh*tface!

 

If you let this, him not blocking you, him, not whatever... get to you, you will fail.

 

Do you want that?

Do you really want squatter Sh*tface of an ex-hole that doesn't take out the trash to win?

 

Hell no!

 

Fu*k him!

Message to you and me:

«Pull your self-pitying head out of your a*s, suck it up, stop feeding yourself lies, and face the truth... your ex(es) are a*sholes, playing a*sholes.

Wake the fu*k up, Travelchick84 and thora-tiki!»

 

If he makes contact during no contact:

Be civil only if he initiates conversation, keep it to hi, and bye, and move away fast, you don't want to lead him on, like he's leading you on.

If he asks anything about your personal life, the break up, or wants to talk about your future together...

Tell him you're not ready to talk about that, and make sure to get out of there/the conversation as fast as you can.

He will eventually get the message, and start showing you some respect, that is if he ever respected you at all.

 

Of course there is always the chance you were not meant for each other at this time, or ever.

 

If you focus on getting your life back, and seeking out the kind of love (not person) you want and deserve, you will always win.

 

Your ex-hole is NOT the only person you can (or will) feel this way about, in fact you could find someone you love even more deeply, and connect with on many more levels.

 

Focus on that.

 

Focus on finding this amazing love, and create an amazing life together.

 

Then all this past bullsh*t will pale in comparison, Sh*tface and dildo face were only the stairs we had to climb to reach the top.

 

Nothing comes without a price.

 

Life has chucked us both a bit of a lemon.

Our exes can continue to suck on it if they want to, it'll only make them bitter.

 

I'm gonna squeeze the bastard and make lemonade.

 

Great to meet you, Travelchick84.

 

I am off to Bedfordshire - what I call my bed! Ha!

 

Much lalalove!

[singme2sleep]

I know...it's awful. We just have to think that they are miserable and going through too much crap for them to actually see what they have done. Like Ella Eyre says in her song..."they always come back"...we have to make ourselves better and heal. I lost myself and my inner strength at the end, and although I am heartbroken I want to be with someone who loves and cares about me all the time...not someone who says it, enjoys me for almost a year and everything else with it then puts me in the toy box because they get scared and decided when they want to be with me and constantly blowing hot and cold. We are worth more than that and the more we say it to each other and to ourselves then more I hope it gets easier. That's why I am thankful for this site and the people on it x

 

Good song btw!

[metaversus]

Not trying to compete, just triggered me to want to write that my ex had a new girlfriend a week after we broke up, with a girl he had been building a friendship with a month prior. This is after swearing to me for a year that he didn't want to be in a serious, committed, monogamous relationship with anyone at this time of his life. He's totally smitten and in love with this girl. I think he may even be living with her now.

 

Funny thing is it helped me to move on when I found out my ex was on a date only 2 weeks after the BU.

[metaversus]

Srsly. I hate him yet still love him at the same time. I'm tied up in knots about it. Mostly I miss his companionship. He is so intuitive yet so completely selfish. It's cruel how we could be best friends one day and enemies the next.

 

His indifference towards me is the worst. His words and actions conflicting. Well, there are no words now. We will likely never speak again in this lifetime.

 

It infuriates me to think about how much fun he and his new girlfriend are having while I am sad and lonely. I am trying to be productive and somewhat succeeding but the heart wants what it wants.

 

I really feel like if he had ever really cared about me he would have shown some compassion. He said he had compassion for me but did everything to demonstrate otherwise.

 

I'm right there with you, I know exactly how you feel. I hate that can't talk to him like I used to. He was my bestfriend and now what?!

[metaversus]

Re: thora-tiki - Let him go, and gain control of your life

 

^^ best post ever!!!!

Edited October 1, 2015 by metaversus

[David87]

Not trying to compete, just triggered me to want to write that my ex had a new girlfriend a week after we broke up, with a girl he had been building a friendship with a month prior. This is after swearing to me for a year that he didn't want to be in a serious, committed, monogamous relationship with anyone at this time of his life. He's totally smitten and in love with this girl. I think he may even be living with her now.

 

This is another reason to forget about him, hes a liar...

[Travelchick84]

Hi, buddy!

 

Your ex-hole sounds like a child, emotionally speaking, a child in an adult body.

 

In the relationship you gave and gave and gave...


He, in return, bitched, moaned, cried, was a mean douche bag...

 

What a gem! Hah!

 

Lucky for you he was also a great kisser and made you tingle all over your body.

Eughblegh!

 

He is no victim, and neither are you. Don't forget there was a time he didn't know you.

 

He did just fine, without using you then - and will do just fine now.


Best part: So will you.

 

I urge you to read about borderline personality disorder (bpd).

Maybe your ex is just damaged goods, or a child in an adult body, or maybe he has bpd.

 

Who fu*king cares.

You still need to read up about this, and protect yourself.

Because he is toxic:

 

BPD: Sex, Love and War

COULD MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME?? The Borderline and You

 

No contact will do you, and him, a lot of good.

 

You are here to repair your self esteem (or whatever you need to work on).

To help yourself.

 

You ask:

Why hasn’t he blocked me?

Why does he still remember my number?

 

Wha wha wha.

 

Forget why this, or why that.

 

Here are some other questions:

What if the real truth hasn't manifested itself yet?

 

You are worrying about something that isn't going to happen for a long time.

What's the point?

 

The Mayan's thought that the year 2012 was the last year for our planet,

that the world would end in December 2012.

 

Why didn't that happen?

Why?

Why?

 

Worry about that for a while.

 

Muhahaha!

 

Stop thinking about all the wonderful memories, instead think about how emotionally draining this relationship has been.

 

You have been dating a vampire. Wake the fu*k up!

 

Not the sexy kind from tv-shows like Kindred the embraced, True Blood, Buffy or films like Interview with a vampire etc.

 


But an: argue starting, selfish, let me complain to you about YOU, button pushing, game playing, toxic,

MEMEMEME, holiday-wrecking-bastard.

 

I can make you a sign, when I find enough light bulbs.

Pahaha!

 

Also:

Stop cyber stalking your ex.

It seems to me you're just looking to make an excuse to break no contact.

 

Focus on getting your life back, not on figuring out what your Mr. Sh*tface McDouche (Ha!) wants,

he is old enough to figure that out on his own, and take action to get it.

Stop thinking about what he will, or won't do.

 

Stop pining and start working on what is important: you feeling better!

 

I went through months of this same bullsh*t - do you wanna do that?

 

You have the luxury to end this now just weeks in.

 

My advice to you is: take it!

 

This, what we (you, me, all of us missing the ex) are feeling right now, is not love, it is obsession.

 

Who knows if he'll come back? It doesn't really matter at this point. If you let him back too easily then this no contact, was all for nothing.

You need to work on yourself, your issues.

He needs to work on his sh*t as well, but I really don't give a fu*k about him, I care about you.

 

Stop making the same mistakes over and over. Your ex has made a lot of mistakes - you can't change him -

but the great thing is that you can work on YOU.

Yes, sounds exiting, right.

Exercising, reading, talking on the phone with friends you haven't talked to in a while, go see a play, clean out your closet, apartment,

support other forum members, help an elderly over the street, start taking some Omega 3, it's cheap and it's a great mood-stabilisers.

So are nuts.

 

You will need to use every tool you can find, and every ounce of strength you can muster to win... but you will win if you do not give up and keep on fighting.

Losing a few battles doesn't matter as long as you win the war.

 

Let him go, and gain control of your life

When the ex-hole plagues your mind:

Get annoyed with him.

Who the fu*k is he?

 

Answer:

Just a squatter in your mind. He doesn't pay rent to stay in your mind/head, or even takes out the trash whilst he is in there.

 

Idiot ex-hole.

 

He is just being selfish.

Get annoyed, say:

Get out of my mind/head, Sh*tface!

 

If you let this, him not blocking you, him, not whatever... get to you, you will fail.

 

Do you want that?

Do you really want squatter Sh*tface of an ex-hole that doesn't take out the trash to win?

 

Hell no!

 

Fu*k him!

Message to you and me:

«Pull your self-pitying head out of your a*s, suck it up, stop feeding yourself lies, and face the truth... your ex(es) are a*sholes, playing a*sholes.

Wake the fu*k up, Travelchick84 and thora-tiki!»

 

If he makes contact during no contact:

Be civil only if he initiates conversation, keep it to hi, and bye, and move away fast, you don't want to lead him on, like he's leading you on.

If he asks anything about your personal life, the break up, or wants to talk about your future together...

Tell him you're not ready to talk about that, and make sure to get out of there/the conversation as fast as you can.

He will eventually get the message, and start showing you some respect, that is if he ever respected you at all.

 

Of course there is always the chance you were not meant for each other at this time, or ever.

 

If you focus on getting your life back, and seeking out the kind of love (not person) you want and deserve, you will always win.

 

Your ex-hole is NOT the only person you can (or will) feel this way about, in fact you could find someone you love even more deeply, and connect with on many more levels.

 

Focus on that.

 

Focus on finding this amazing love, and create an amazing life together.

 

Then all this past bullsh*t will pale in comparison, Sh*tface and dildo face were only the stairs we had to climb to reach the top.

 

Nothing comes without a price.

 

Life has chucked us both a bit of a lemon.

Our exes can continue to suck on it if they want to, it'll only make them bitter.

 

I'm gonna squeeze the bastard and make lemonade.

 

Great to meet you, Travelchick84.

 

I am off to Bedfordshire - what I call my bed! Ha!

 

Much lalalove!

 

Thora!!!

I had no idea you had replied to my post!

You sure so right! I found your KICK ASS posts last night and been reading them ever since! You have given me so much strength!!

I believe from what I've read about your relationship was that we both had d*cks who were codependant and BPD... This is why I have enjoyed your posts!

I honestly am not cyber stalking but still feel so pissed off!! But that's good because I've now hit the angry stage and that is the stage before acceptance.

He will realise what a great person he had. The time and money I spent over the last year going to see and stay with him believing I had a great future ahead and he goes and does that?! F*cking good luck to him! Whilst I go and try and get my strength and inner goddess back he will be at home sat on his ass with nobody there to give him attention or affection - something we know now after doing our research is something that they crave!!

So I look forward to hearing from you again, my neighbour next door to good old Blighty!!! Cheers Hun xx

[thunder777]

your missing the point with no contact

 

u wake up everyday and you still have the choice to message him

 

the bridge from your fb to his fb still exists

 

to be fully free and heal asap, you must destroy all bridges that link you to him

 

detach completely, deny him the privilege of being able to message you anytime he chooses, and you leaving this option open, you are kind of sitting back waiting for that to happen

 

he threw you out as garbage, dont sit back waiting for him to come and recycle you from the bin

 

block any bridges he has to you

 

imagine 2 telephone poles on the street with all their wires connected, in a relationship the two poles have countless wires connected from one to the other, now to become truly apart there must not be a single wire attached from one pole to the other. become that pole lol

 

join your wires to new poles

 

(it may actually cause him to come running back when youre completely unreachable) but i wont say that

[Travelchick84]

your missing the point with no contact

 

u wake up everyday and you still have the choice to message him

 

the bridge from your fb to his fb still exists

 

to be fully free and heal asap, you must destroy all bridges that link you to him

 

detach completely, deny him the privilege of being able to message you anytime he chooses, and you leaving this option open, you are kind of sitting back waiting for that to happen

 

he threw you out as garbage, dont sit back waiting for him to come and recycle you from the bin

 

block any bridges he has to you

 

imagine 2 telephone poles on the street with all their wires connected, in a relationship the two poles have countless wires connected from one to the other, now to become truly apart there must not be a single wire attached from one pole to the other. become that pole lol

 

join your wires to new poles

 

(it may actually cause him to come running back when youre completely unreachable) but i wont say that

 

You speak such truth...but I'm kinda scared to do that right now until I feel like I am ready to. I don't check his fb I just know that he hasn't blocked me. Even our mutual friends don't hear much from him and are very much on my side so to speak - they are quite disgusted he has done what he has done.

I think he feels like I will get in touch - because I was always the one to go to him, to call and message when together - who gave him the time of day even when I was busy. But you're right, I know in my guy when I do 'detach' that's when he will get in touch. What's worse is tomorrow - Saturday is the day a year ago we first met and I stayed at his and we started something and became a couple 2 weeks later. So October is going to feel a bit s*it for me as it is filled with those memories and I thought thank god I met someone to be with properly....until bloody 11months later!!! That's why tomorrow will be a big night out with all my friends filled with laughter and me looking hot - thank god we don't live in the same town!! Lol

[thora-tiki]

Hi, buddy!

 

Thank you for sharing.

I don't feel so alone, since we are in this together!

 

You are having a bad week, so am I.

 

But we made it so far! Yay!

 

It is so exhilarating focusing on me and my life, instead of a guy that is emotionally unstable, grumpy,

Dr. Jekyll one minute, Mr. Bean the next minute...

Pahaha!

 

Gosh, I am so funny!

 

My therapist says that my ex may be borderline, or as he calls it,

that dildo face has a relationship disorder.

Ding, ding, ding!

 

I agree with my therapist.

 

About how you are feeling now and the next weeks...

You are coming down from a high.

Like withdrawal from a drug, a break up is withdrawal from a person - and it's hard to see past this.

I am still having withdrawals from the break up, and I am over 5 month of no contact.

 

You will crave your drug - your ex - for a long time.

It is normal to think obsessively about him as your brain searches to get its fix of love hormones.

Make a pros and cons list - it is a good start.

That will help you evolve, look at it every time you begin to have withdrawal/miss ex-hole.

 

I mean, do you really miss someone that drinks too much, that doesn’t like your friends, won’t even meet them,

or someone you can't talk to when you are having a bad day/or you got really bad news

(like the time you got the news that your friend was diagnosed with cancer), you can’t talk to him because he is either drunk,

hungover or just don't want to talk because he is drunk or hungover, or someone you can't take to family functions,

because he says he doesn’t like your family?!

 

Sorry, those examples are from my cons list!

Bahaha!

 

You get the picture.

 

You will hear from your ex-hole again.

It is as sure as death and taxes.

In the mean time:

You have to let go, Travelchick84 and thora-tiki.

Let go of the old failed relationship. Because that is really the only thing you are holding onto.

 

You are holding onto the past. And the past is in the past.

 

Nothing really good is going to happen to you until you let go of your ex boyfriend and the past.

 

Things have to change to be able to start a new relationship.

 

This is the difficult and scary part, but the most important part:

You have to let go. Just look down at you hands, really look at what you are holding onto:

You are holding onto a broken relationship.

 

The longer you hold onto that old broken relationship - the longer you will have to wait to start a new one.

Either with ex-hole, (Eughblegh!) or a new guy (Yummy!).

 

To be in a relationship we need to be in a good place.

 

This is my motto for the weekend and next week, maybe for the rest of my life - ha!:

 

Healthy, can't date unhealthy.

 

Bonus:

These are my no contact tips for tomorrow - your fun night out! yay!

 

You need to make sure you know how to handle any situations that might arise if your ex runs into you,

or he text/calls you (tomorrow or another day).

 

1. Be polite, if he says hi say hi back, and then move along.

If he text, delete the text and move on from that incident, it was an emotional brain fart that your ex will regret.

Just think of it as an ego-boost.

 

2. Do not get dragged into any deep conversations about anything, with your ex.

Just say "I do not want to talk, or I am not ready to talk - if he wants to talk about the relationship in person or on the phone.

 

3. If he won't leave you alone because he is an a*shole or drunk or both - leave/cross the street/room/hang up.

 

4. Be prepared for the fact he might try to make you jealous by hanging all over some women.

 

5. Don't get drunk and text him, you will be sure to fu*k up if you do that.

I don't want to read Sunday morning:

«I texted him, he didn't text back», or «he texted back, but it was just: Wassup?!»

 

Dating, going out, and having fun, is the quickest way to evolve past a break up and get your life back, positive energy attracts more positive energy.

 

Don't get drunk, it is ok to have a few glasses of wine, just know your limits, and use your common sense, and you should be fine.

 

This goes for any situation, at the gym, on the street, at a restaurant - etc.

 

Oh, and this is my e-mail address,

[email protected]

 

Write me and I will send you the magic of making up.

 

Much lalalove!

[Travelchick84]

Hahaha this is why I love you!!! Lol strong and independant - that used to be me!!!

Well I've a new outfit for tomorrow and new make up too and blonder hair!! Hahaha selfies galore tomorrow! He doesn't live in my town thank god so no running into him! As for getting drunk...been there and he didn't get no time or energy from me...I was too busy perfecting my selfies!! Hahahahhaa Pmsl

I will email you for sure!!

Ps you're the best. Let's kick some ass! He can wallow at home for all I care! Miserable S*IT!!!!

[thunder777]

well i understand your unwillingness to let go right now due to its difficulty

 

but do u see how you are still wanting to hang on, you still hold him dear in your back pocket, and you fully are willing to endure October as someone still hanging on to someone from your past. you wont heal and you will still mourn the void that he has created in you

 

rather you could instead say, "f#ck him" my life from this point will be free of this idiot who through me out as garbage, i refuse to live another day clinging to what we used to have

 

detach, just do it, you will see rapid improvements in your self regeneration

 

you dont exist to him anymore, return the favour make him another stranger of the billions of people in the world who dont exist too, otherwise youre committing to being just another victim of his

[Travelchick84]

well i understand your unwillingness to let go right now due to its difficulty

 

but do u see how you are still wanting to hang on, you still hold him dear in your back pocket, and you fully are willing to endure October as someone still hanging on to someone from your past. you wont heal and you will still mourn the void that he has created in you

 

rather you could instead say, "f#ck him" my life from this point will be free of this idiot who through me out as garbage, i refuse to live another day clinging to what we used to have

 

detach, just do it, you will see rapid improvements in your self regeneration

 

you dont exist to him anymore, return the favour make him another stranger of the billions of people in the world who dont exist too, otherwise youre committing to being just another victim of his

 

I know what you're saying, truth is I'm just too scared because although I've lost the relationship, I don't want to lose him as a person from my life. I might sound crazy but that's just how it is. I don't want to feel this pain anymore but I want him to also have time and see, and realise what we had and how good it was - which is true for nearly the whole way through!

[singme2sleep]

I know what you're saying, truth is I'm just too scared because although I've lost the relationship, I don't want to lose him as a person from my life. I might sound crazy but that's just how it is. I don't want to feel this pain anymore but I want him to also have time and see, and realise what we had and how good it was - which is true for nearly the whole way through!

 

I'm right there with you, but everyone will tell us to let go and move on.

[Travelchick84]

I'm right there with you, but everyone will tell us to let go and move on.

 

I wrote a long email last night (not to him!) and in it I actually went back to the beginning and remembered why we got together in the first place and what it was that made it feel right to be together.

It's only now I realise this and sometimes life does that, other stresses get in the way you forget these things.

This tells me that time is best for the both of us and I hope in time he will realise too, he has many things going on for him right now that I don't blame him what he did, his reaction was to do this and get the space he needs.

Writing it down certainly helped me realise that if and when I want to reconnect in the future it will be for these reasons and to help form a new relationship when I feel truly happy with myself again.

 

I'll keep you posted!!

[Travelchick84]

Hey everyone.

 

So further from my last 2 posts...it's been 5 weeks today since my ex ended our relationship. I had no contact for 3.5 weeks after the initial split from him after the last texts etc.

This month is especially hard as it's a whole year ago we first met, started dating then quickly became an item and started a relationship. So a lot of memories and feelings have resurfaced - a lot!! And it's hard...so hard.

 

On Saturday I decided to send him a no contact message I had seen on how to kick loves ass forum, Because I felt the no contact that I was doing over those 3.5 weeks didn't feel like me being in control, I just stopped any contact and was just well waiting to see how I felt as the days passed. (Sounds stupid) but I just felt like I wasn't really doing it right.

 

Anyway so I sent the text whilst at a friends house. She actually pressed send for me! I said how I agreed the break up was the best thing for us to do and that I agreed with his decision and that I had some big decisions to make and I needed time to think about them and I would appreciate it if he didn't contact me during this time and I would be in touch when I was ready.

 

50 SECONDS LATER he replied! Yes 50 seconds I hadn't even had chance to put my phone down! I didn't even know he could text that fast!!

He replied with ok.....I wasn't going to contact you anyway but was waiting for you to see if you wanted to get my stuff from his then said what it was and then said but apart from that we're done but on that note I will hold onto them until you want to come down and collect them.

 

I haven't replied. What amazes me is the fact he replied so quick, and that he is keeping my stuff (stuff I don't need as was spares for whilst staying at his so I wasn't having to take stuff down with me everytime I stayed) he knows I don't need it for that reason alone! If I did want it I would have said long before now.

And why hold onto it for me to collect, I'd have though he would say if it's not important I will get rid of it if you want me to. But he didn't. He didn't mention the other stuff I have there.

Fact is it's not stuff I want nor is it a way for me to see him again. I just have no idea why as the dumper he is saying that and basically meaning I would have to see him again to collect it. If I did ever want to it wouldn't be anytime soon. I wouldn't want to see him knowing how I still feel and it would probably make me feel worse.

But I felt good at sending the message and not replying.

 

But it's made me release a lot of emotions. I cried for 2 hours today after I got home from work, realising just how much I miss him and remembering why we got together in the first place and how we had let the fun go due to other stresses in our lives and not our relationship. I forgot to be the fun person he met and I'm sure he did too - life does get in the way sometimes.

I feel he made a rash decision in order for him to deal with the stresses he has going on in his life right now so as to have no distractions from me instead of having me there as his emotional support.

 

Anyway, can any guys on here on LS share some light onto what he might be feeling due to the message I sent and his reply?

I'm not after any 'your using your things as a way to see him again' because I'm not - as I've said I've not mentioned them because they are not things I feel I need to collect. They are just simply there from me being at his all the time.

I need a male input into what he might be feeling about all this and if he might be remembering times we shared like I am. We had a great relationship and shared so much time together when we could. I feel like because his home is always where we spent so much if our time together is like a place of all our memories for him and yet he wants to hold onto my stuff longer instead of trying to erase it all and close the door so to speak. I mean men and their man caves, would he think of me during quiet time alone at home? I'm just curious if the male dumper thinks like this.

 

Great to hear your feedback people - it keeps me going knowing I'm not the only one out there feeling like this. Thanks

[GrandRail]

I'm a relatively new poster, but I've been lurking on these forums for a very long time. I think you made a bad call in reaching out to him to inform him of no contact. You two already had not spoken in more than 3 weeks, and it was quite clear to both of you that you were in no contact. You say you reached out because you did not feel quite in control of the situation, but down to the very letter(your friend pressing send) the impression this whole event gives off is simply that you couldn't handle not talking to him, and hoped that messaging him declaring you were initiating no contact would spark some kind of reaction in him and give you the upper hand. The proof: you are currently overemphasizing and overthinking the fact he responded so quickly and asked about your stuff. This was a bad idea, not a victory, and the fact it sent you on an emotional tailspin afterwards is reaffirming of that. Initiating contact to inform him you're over him only conveys to him you're not.

 

I get it. I really do. This person meant a great deal to you. I hope now that you've officially told him what both of you unofficially were already aware of, you can begin to put this behind you and not reach out to him again. I'm sorry it's such a hard process. You're going to make it.

[GrandRail]

As for your original question on his feelings to your message, the fact that he has not sent you breadcrumbs or tried to reach out over the last roughly three-four weeks you were in no contact is very telling. It conveys that at this point, he is otherwise occupied with his life and is not really thinking of you. This is not to say he never loved you, but just that at this moment in time you no longer preoccupy his thoughts. His recent actions are only further validated by the fact that when you messaged him, he verbally confirmed he wasn't planning to reach out to you in the near future anyways.

 

Regardless of whether he plans on contacting you sometime far down the line when he's bored or his feelings incline back towards you, it's not worth holding out for. He's currently living his life, and you should be too. You should not be worrying about his feelings, you should be worrying about your own. When it comes to an ex, if they're not asking for you back, you know everything you need to know about their feelings. Whatever their feelings are aren't enough to change their minds about you. That's all you need to know. Leave it at that and be at peace with yourself now.

Edited October 7, 2015 by GrandRail

[Travelchick84]

Thank you.

My ex isn't the type to do breadcrumbs though. He is 40 and has a lot going on with his kid and divorce. He changed very quickly and I feel that's why he hasn't reached out to me, I don't believe he doesn't think of me, why else reply so fast, he could have easily left it!

Truth is I'm struggling so much and I'm in tears everyday because I can't cop with how I'm feeling. This is so unfair when we were so happy. I just don't understand and I don't think I ever will. I feel like I've lost the best thing that happened to me!!! I just wish he would open his eyes and realise and he shouldn't be holding into my stuff to see me - even if I'm over him it will still be tough!!!!

[chapter44]

Travelchick84:

 

 

I think most of us have been where you are now. Wondering what the ex is thinking, how can they just walk away when we were so close. The truth of the matter is we will never know. Right now is the time to take care of yourself, find some joy in the simple things in life, and most importantly stop trying to get any answers or closure because that is never going to happen.

 

 

I'm now 6 months out of a 5 yr relationship and in the beginning it was pure hell but I respected myself enough not to reach out, look her up on social media, call or write letters. As much as you don't want to hear it now, it really does work and it gets easier.

 

 

We are all here for you so post on here instead of breaking contact.

[Blanco]

How long was he divorced before you started dating him?