She had an ONS, now she's "SOOOOOO" "remorseful" and wants to save the marriage

September 17, 2015

A question for the LS community on this thread: why do so many assume this is a one-time thing? Boffing a co-worker is not a typical "ONS" and I don't think OP should accept that she's being forthcoming about all this. We see over and over how a WW will lie & minimize on d-day and I think OP would be wise to assume there's more to this sad story then she's admitted to so far.

September 17, 2015

A question for the LS community on this thread: why do so many assume this is a one-time thing? Boffing a co-worker is not a typical "ONS" and I don't think OP should accept that she's being forthcoming about all this. We see over and over how a WW will lie & minimize on d-day and I think OP would be wise to assume there's more to this sad story then she's admitted to so far.

Because, using only the information we were provided by the OP, there is no real justification to assume otherwise. We all know that no two situations are the same. If more information to the contrary is presented I may change my mind. I know for a fact that a ONS CAN occur between coworkers.

September 17, 2015

A question for the LS community on this thread: why do so many assume this is a one-time thing? Boffing a co-worker is not a typical "ONS" and I don't think OP should accept that she's being forthcoming about all this. We see over and over how a WW will lie & minimize on d-day and I think OP would be wise to assume there's more to this sad story then she's admitted to so far.

Sadly, even though there is a voluntary confession, I think the OP would be wise to investigate. Knowledge is power in these situations. It could be that she was fired for her affair and this is a forced cover-up. Or it could be that the OM gave an ultimatum that she either leave her husband or he would expose the affair. The second scenario is rather common (although moreso with women APs). Long story short, she could have been forced to make this "confession."

If it was truly a voluntary confession, I don't think I see many of those being minimized. She could have taken it to the grave.

September 17, 2015

You are the smartest cheated guy i've seen here.. cheated, betrayed trust, get out of the boat and leave her with her regrets... more guys should do this.

I've seen a post where everyone was trying to help the guy reconcile with his gf.. then the guy posts a 3 year update... guess what? cheated again.

September 17, 2015

Thanks, for everyone for their responses. Although some of the comments were spiteful and vindictive, I suppose because the social conditioning is that men are always wrong and deserve everything, there were many comments that helped me in practical terms as well as gave me some food for thoughts to ponder and think about. It's not that I don't want to divorce; I still am not willing to give her another chance, but nevertheless some food for thoughts. I knew that when I join such a board I'll probably have to follow the rule of taking what is relevant for me and putting aside what is not. So, here are my responses

It seems that some commenters here have a problem to fathom my insistence on faithfulness and fidelity. So, for me of course fidelity is not only a 100% marital requirement, but it also is a 100% a spiritual value as well as 100% an aspect of morality and one's personal integrity. For me, if a spouse fails with faithfulness, he's a person of no morality and no integrity whatsoever. He lacks this integrity at the core of his personality. This is the reason why I also avoid friends or people that may constitute an unwholesome peer pressure and that can excuse infidelity even at a very small extent. One of my boundaries and coping skill is to cut all kind of such people from my life – plain and simple. At the very core it's to protect my-self. That's all. Given all of that, my attitude, values, beliefs, ideals as well as practical measures to ensure I stay loyal to those standards, it was always easy for me being faithful, a piece of cake, although if I wanted I could easily have as much women as I wanted. It was not the ability or opportunity; straying and ****ing around behind my wife's back was never appealing to me, I never found it as some huge turn on and was actually disgusted by that. As it turns around we're most probably not equal and the same terms around this. Most probably she had lied to me on her believes about fidelity, hence she always knew my stance on this topic, which was not strong enough to prevent her from acting on those most primitive animalistic desires, which seems perfectly logic to me hence lying and deceitfulness is a very basic "why" in most cheaters actions.

Now, I want to touch and respond to the question of more details and the timeline. Here, first of all, I want to say that right now I don't want to know for example who the AP is and personal details about him. Not that I can't cope with that, not that I suppress something, but as standing oppose to my wife which I will NEVER harm no matter what she has done, if I would know who AP is, that could end me spending time at the police station having charges filed against me. Given my training, physical properties and abilities, if I put my hands on him, it will end maybe me hospitalizing the POS and scum of earth in a wheel chair for the rest of his life for putting his dirty hands on my wife. I know she is responsible too; therefore, I am adamant on divorce. Yet, for me whether she has collaborated with him or not, he is like a thief that stole our family's and my happiness. That happiness and joy my wife supposed exclusively to give us and no one else. He's like a burglar and intruder into our home and the normal thing one does with those people is putting an end to their crimes. I understand that I can't break the law, so it is not some kind of compassion towards him, but compassion towards my family me not getting into troubles. Sorry, that's politically incorrect, but I am not one of this modern spineless shellfish men. Messing with my wife has consequences; he is lucky I didn't caught them red handed. Actually, I am lucky too not getting into troubles with law and this is why right now I prefer not to have this kind of information. This is why right now I don't want personal details about him and his wife, adresses where they live, contacting the company and so on. Maybe this should wait for later.

Besides of this, there is information I just can understand how it is important. If I know in general what they did sexually, what would it help me to know what was the angle or I don’t know what? It may sound maybe weird to many people but I am very confident about my sexuality and we'll spare the details why. However, from what I do know, from what my wife did confess and from what I've written before, it only proves this. There are other things that make me go ballistic in that regard. The fact that she down traded me, the fact that she put me on a level of a nothing, the fact that she betrayed me, the fact that she disrespected and created an imbalance in our sexual exclusivity (by the way I found her also always amazing in bed), the fact that she got tainted and contaminated herself, the fact that that which supposed to be an act of generosity, sharing our mutual joy and happiness together, she traded that most probably for some cheap validation and deluded ego boost that she could get home if she honestly opened her mouth instead of being un-honest, sneaky and deceitful. This is a small list but it shows that it is not the common concern if he was bigger, better or all that kind of stuff. Right now, the biggest trigger for me are not some incredible acts in bed, but merely the sight of her, the sight of her body, knowing and envisioning the POS putting his dirty hands all over my wife's body. It's not only that right now I can't be intimate with her in any way, but this is one of the reasons why conversations with her are difficult. Now, besides of this, even if it is about divorce, I think that many commenters have a good point that I need more information than I have. I do see now, that even to proceed with divorce in the right way, there is a great need of more information. I will give a thought in the next time what kind of information is relevant and how I approach a conversation with her in the most supportive environment.

I was asked the following question by "autumnight": If your wife is 100% sincere, there are NO more secrets or details she left out, and she works humbly and diligently to help restore things....how do you believe you will see her in 2 years....5 years....8 years? Well, it's a good question, but the problem is that I question right now the very basic axiom on which the question relies, namely that if a cheater can be really 100% sincere or I can ever be sure that she is 100% sincere. Here are the questions that I struggle with right now:

1.Can I ever 100% trust her in the future in the same way I trusted her before? Even if it will be 100% of trust, I think it will still not be the same. Thoughts of doubt, especially when there will be triggers, that she may lose it again will most probably prevail (and will cause me to suffer). Maybe trust can be reestablished, yet even if hundred percent, I still believe those will not be hundred percent of the same thing but of something different.

2.Can the innocence, not necessarily love, be re-establish and rebuilt. Maybe some kind of love can be re-established, I have never actually heard this from someone's experience, but the innocence of the love and marriage CAN NEVER BE REBUILT. It flew out of the window the night of her ONS

3.Am I able TRUELLY to reconcile? It is hard but I don't think it is possible to completely forget. The idea you can forget is just another ignorance and delusion of the "reconciliation and recovery industry"

4.Is the imbalance surmountable: once being forgiven, does she has a prize for her behavior, does she walks free without any consequences, while I have to deal with the reminders and all of the misery till the last day of my life? My answer is definitely yes. I can't understand how can it be different?

"Whatnotagain", you raised indeed some very important points. I do agree that divorce has ALWAYS bad impact on children. I am willing even to tolerate some abuse and work on it in order not to divorce. Yet, children are affected not only by divorce, but also through two suffering parents who give them bad understanding of relationships dynamics. It will everything explode in the future. Besides, while some people do remarry because of the fear to be alone, some people based on the same fear trade it neurotically with the misery of staying in a terrible relationship. I refuse to let fear impact my decisions. There are more options than those two. One of them, once you become your best friend and are not afraid to be alone is to give up on "love", relationships and so on. I don't say all women are like that but why taking the risk to be stabbed again? Giving up on that does not equal of being alone; that's once again another ignorance and delusion we are fed either by the dating or the reconciliation industry. I still haven't decided in that sense what I am going to do but I have indeed to deal with this soon.

Anyway, in more practical terms and after being given some good advice here I do believe my first priority is to get my emotions under grip. I think I have to able to think straight, whether it is D or R, and before I even contact a lawyer. Second, although I want to divorce, I do agree with some commenters to do it stepwise and not immediately while being honest about it, so that everyone is the least damaged as possible. I do think about going for a few days to some intense spiritual practice in our tradition to deal with all of that so I can regain that straight thinking and at least some basic serenity as to the ability to cope with those issues. Afterwards I plan to talk to her and from there to plan the next steps. By the way, I am not leaving because I am afraid of violence. I don't believe in that BS that all men are naturally violent and evil. With all the rage, I have ZERO desire TO HURT MY WIFE and will NEVER do this. I am completely civil at home right now and what I am saying here I do not say to her or to anybody who knows her. I also don't think my wife will do something stupid hence it is counterproductive to her efforts to save the marriage. So, the dynamic is not as some posters tried to portray it.

Anyway, I had today somehow an interesting experience. I don't think it shows me I should not divorce her but maybe how to approach the divorce. Either way, while still in the midst of this inferno, I saw her today (she was still sleeping) in all of her devastation and brokenness and for the first time I felt some sense of compassion towards her. It felt familiar and I could recall the same feeling of some basic compassion towards an enemy from my military service. No it is not that naïve compassion which tells you that an enemy is your friend; it's not that naïve compassion that asks you to give the abuser the other cheek; it's not the compassion when you don't act to protect, to take care and to stop the abuser from inflicting more pain on you. It is the kind of compassion that understands that whether we like it or not, whether we agree or not, whether we want it or not, we are all interconnected, and each of our action has consequences so whatever we do must be done in the right way. Even if it is a divorce, it must be done in the right way. I do want to divorce her, it doesn't make me change my mind, but now I understand I must do it in the right way too. I do understand now what it means that holding unto anger is like grasping hot coals with bare hands trying to throw them at someone. You burn yourself first. However, right afterwards I felt angry at myself having no anger (and feeling compassion). Yes, I supposed this is the roller coaster. You are angry and want to feel compassion, then you have compassion and are angry of being compassionate. Yes, the process is right at the beginning, I get it is difficult, I understand forgiving is not easy, I think the few days of practice will help me a lot.

casa2015, thanks for the reference. This is also what I should read. Is there a link for that thread?

Edited September 17, 2015 by GrandFunkRailroad

September 17, 2015

GFR, I fully appreciate your sentiments. The anger you feel now will dissipate over time but you cannot forget it EVER. You need to get over your anger and think calmly before you can plan out the separation logically with minimum impact on your children, yourself and your wife. Yes, she will remain in your life as the mother of your children and you do not want them to have a broken mother.

September 17, 2015

(((Update)))

I am not at home at this moment, so wife texted right now; she sent a longer text message/letter. To sum it up, the letter was basically about:

1.Remorse: she expressed once again her deep remorse about hurting, humiliating and inflicting so much pain on me. She told that if she'll get the chance, she'll dedicate her life to help me heal and get me rid of that pain.

2.Gratitude: she expressed gratitude not only for everything I have done for her in our twenty years of marriage but that I didn't left her immediately the moment she confessed everything; that I am still here. She said no matter what I decide, she's going to fight for me. She added that even divorce will not stop her from doing so unless I remarry someone afterwards. She used the military terminology, probably knowing I love it, telling that this might be her biggest fight in life and she'll better die in this war than to give up.

3.Determination to win me back and save the marriage: she told that she is basically willing to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING without exception to win me back and save the marriage. She said she knows it's her responsibility so she will give a detailed plan on how she's going to help me to restore my trust and love for her and that I am free to add anything I want and need

I did thank her and did not show her any signs of anger whatsoever. However, I don't know, it sounds crazy; I'm not sure but somehow it looks too good to be real.

September 17, 2015

Your Wife LOVES you!

and Deep deep down in your heart you know you Love your Wife!

thats a fact!

September 17, 2015

I would like to add before taking my leave, that if any WW were worthy of a R, its this one.

My "speculation" is that this was a ONS. Look at her actions. This man loved his wife dearly. He noticed the change immediately a minth ago, not a year ago. She didnt strike out at him, do all the things a typical ww in a A does.

Before he knew,
She terminated her employment right away.
She asked for a transfer while awaiting the termination.
She blocked the AP immediately
There was no "fog" There was immediate devastation
She knew what she had done.
She knew a price would be paid
She confessed a week after doing everything to distance herself from the AP.

Should he divorce her? Probaly. Should he forgive her? One day, yes. Is she a evil tart, slut whore etc? I don't think so. He would have noticed before. Is he justified in his anger? Yes but perhaps is getting carried away.

If I could speculate a little more as to the why. Perhaps working and attending 4 special needs children for a decade or more got to be a bit much. So she needed a escape, if but for the moment.
She took the opportunity and the devastation began. Dont even try to spin that into justifying the ONS

She fell. Thats all. Just another sad LS story.

I agree. And, it is not wise to make life changing decisions when one's world is turned upside down. It is best to wait 6 months before making such decisions.

September 17, 2015

(((Update)))

I am not at home at this moment, so wife texted right now; she sent a longer text message/letter. To sum it up, the letter was basically about:

1.Remorse: she expressed once again her deep remorse about hurting, humiliating and inflicting so much pain on me. She told that if she'll get the chance, she'll dedicate her life to help me heal and get me rid of that pain.
2.Gratitude: she expressed gratitude not only for everything I have done for her in our twenty years of marriage but that I didn't left her immediately the moment she confessed everything; that I am still here. She said no matter what I decide, she's going to fight for me. She added that even divorce will not stop her from doing so unless I remarry someone afterwards. She used the military terminology, probably knowing I love it, telling that this might be her biggest fight in life and she'll better die in this war than to give up.
3.Determination to win me back and save the marriage: she told that she is basically willing to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING without exception to win me back and save the marriage. She said she knows it's her responsibility so she will give a detailed plan on how she's going to help me to restore my trust and love for her and that I am free to add anything I want and need

I did thank her and did not show her any signs of anger whatsoever. However, I don't know, it sounds crazy; I'm not sure but somehow it looks too good to be real.

If it seems too good to be real ... it probably ain't real

September 17, 2015

m.snow

That's not so easy. I'm a man and as a man I am a person of actions. I do not say words and thoughts have no meaning. However, right now, those are simply hollow words. There is a big dichotomy, a big mismatch, between her words and her actions. LOVE and an ONS with a STRANGER do not go together; they are contradictory. However, let's assume what you say is correct, I still don't see any reason to stop divorce. If it is like she says, then let's divorce and see her determination.

More than anything it would point to the fact that with time I should forgive her. I still don't think I OWE her reconciliation and second chance. I still can't see how with all that remorse she can UNDO or COMPENSATE the imbalance and injustice that she's created. It is beyond my mind. All our actions have consequences. Sometimes the damage can be repaired; sometimes, one can't fix the damage. In that case one must simply accept it. That's all.

Anyway, this letter is also the embodiment of my FEARS. It is the fear the more I have to stay, the more I'' soften and the more I will give in. I understand that given the circumstances in the family, I have no choice but leave gradually and ensure no one is damaged. I think I am able to do so.

September 17, 2015

As a general rule, I believe it's a good idea to hold off on big decisions until your emotions stabilize. So I ask you to consider giving your wife and your marriage 6 months. During that time let your wife do the work she needs to do on herself, and also during those months try to move to a rational place in your mind and evaluate your situation.

Make your decision from a calm state of mind, do it rationally with careful consideration.

September 17, 2015

(((Update)))

I am not at home at this moment, so wife texted right now; she sent a longer text message/letter. To sum it up, the letter was basically about:

1.Remorse: she expressed once again her deep remorse about hurting, humiliating and inflicting so much pain on me. She told that if she'll get the chance, she'll dedicate her life to help me heal and get me rid of that pain.
2.Gratitude: she expressed gratitude not only for everything I have done for her in our twenty years of marriage but that I didn't left her immediately the moment she confessed everything; that I am still here. She said no matter what I decide, she's going to fight for me. She added that even divorce will not stop her from doing so unless I remarry someone afterwards. She used the military terminology, probably knowing I love it, telling that this might be her biggest fight in life and she'll better die in this war than to give up.
3.Determination to win me back and save the marriage: she told that she is basically willing to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING without exception to win me back and save the marriage. She said she knows it's her responsibility so she will give a detailed plan on how she's going to help me to restore my trust and love for her and that I am free to add anything I want and need

I did thank her and did not show her any signs of anger whatsoever. However, I don't know, it sounds crazy; I'm not sure but somehow it looks too good to be real.

GrandFunkRailroad: you wife is doing what took other WW months and years to do with counseling and encouragement and some of them still failed doing it. she did break the vows but she is not an enemy of war. it doesn't have to be a war. like charger66 in a previous post said if there is a WS that deserve a seconde chance your wife is the one. you have every right to divorse her but do not do it just because this is the only way you can handle the situation.

September 17, 2015

m.snow
That's not so easy. I'm a man and as a man I am a person of actions. I do not say words and thoughts have no meaning. However, right now, those are simply hollow words. There is a big dichotomy, a big mismatch, between her words and her actions. LOVE and an ONS with a STRANGER do not go together; they are contradictory. However, let's assume what you say is correct, I still don't see any reason to stop divorce. If it is like she says, then let's divorce and see her determination.

More than anything it would point to the fact that with time I should forgive her. I still don't think I OWE her reconciliation and second chance. I still can't see how with all that remorse she can UNDO or COMPENSATE the imbalance and injustice that she's created. It is beyond my mind. All our actions have consequences. Sometimes the damage can be repaired; sometimes, one can't fix the damage. In that case one must simply accept it. That's all.

Anyway, this letter is also the embodiment of my FEARS. It is the fear the more I have to stay, the more I'' soften and the more I will give in. I understand that given the circumstances in the family, I have no choice but leave gradually and ensure no one is damaged. I think I am able to do so.

There will always be an imbalance, because - well in case you haven't noticed - life isn't fair.

We all want it to be fair, but you know it's not. And this will be one of those circumstances. I've talked to guys on line that thought they could even that imbalance by having a RA (revenge affair), and as I've seen it that has NEVER worked to even things out, instead it just messes things up worse.

The thing you need to do is to realize that what happened did so without your involvement - you didn't in any way cause it, and there is nothing you or your wife can do to make it not to have happened. It's the past, it happened, and all that's left to us is to just get on with our lives. You'll have to do that whether you stay with your wife or not.

Give yourself some time to come to grips with this life altering event that has been thrown at you. Then decide what to do.

September 17, 2015

(((Update)))

I am not at home at this moment, so wife texted right now; she sent a longer text message/letter. To sum it up, the letter was basically about:

1.Remorse: she expressed once again her deep remorse about hurting, humiliating and inflicting so much pain on me. She told that if she'll get the chance, she'll dedicate her life to help me heal and get me rid of that pain.
2.Gratitude: she expressed gratitude not only for everything I have done for her in our twenty years of marriage but that I didn't left her immediately the moment she confessed everything; that I am still here. She said no matter what I decide, she's going to fight for me. She added that even divorce will not stop her from doing so unless I remarry someone afterwards. She used the military terminology, probably knowing I love it, telling that this might be her biggest fight in life and she'll better die in this war than to give up.
3.Determination to win me back and save the marriage: she told that she is basically willing to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING without exception to win me back and save the marriage. She said she knows it's her responsibility so she will give a detailed plan on how she's going to help me to restore my trust and love for her and that I am free to add anything I want and need

I did thank her and did not show her any signs of anger whatsoever. However, I don't know, it sounds crazy; I'm not sure but somehow it looks too good to be real.

A few tidbits from my experience in reconciling

1 - Remorse: That all sounds good, but it has been my experience that she can't "fix" this. She can work on the reconciliation, but she can't "fix" you or the marriage. She can "fix" what is broken within herself. She cannot put Humpty-dumpty back together again. She can't help with your pain because she is the cause of that pain. She can only be supportive when you are hurting or triggering. Look at the pinned post in this sub-forum "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know".

2 - Gratitude: If she wants to fight, then I recommend she goes to IC and identifies how she got to the point of having a ONS. Understand the dynamics of her family system, how does she handle conflict, patterns of communication, self-esteem issues - whatever it was that contributed to her affair. Once she identifies these items, then over time she can show you how she has "fixed" herself and begin to earn your trust.

3 - Determination: Your marriage can't be "saved". That marriage is dead. If you decide to give her a chance, I suggest that both of you start over with a "new" marriage. Neither one of you can never go "back" to the old marriage. It's impossible. You know this, I'm just saying it out loud.

September 17, 2015

Well, for what it's worth, my WW looked me hard and straight in the eye and said with more clarity and sincerity than I can remember "I am going to do whatever it takes"

Of course she had just got off the phone 5 minutes before talking to a lifelong friend who happens to be a therapist for battered women who told her what she needed to hear about trauma.

We spent 6 more months in trickle truth games after that "All that it takes message."

Is your WW remorsefull? You are probably the best person. to judge that. As positive as BetrayedH is about what she has done pre and post Dday, none of that is strictly remorse. All those actions could be the best response of someone who has realised they screwed up and what needs to be done. It's the right thing to do, but is not necessarily remorse. You will feel her remorse, you won't just get it in a checklist text message.

That she knows she screwed up is good enough for me and has moved on eliminating a repeat performance. I am of the school that remorse is a resource in very short supply these days, along with its sibling "forgiveness"

(((Update)))

I am not at home at this moment, so wife texted right now; she sent a longer text message/letter. To sum it up, the letter was basically about:

1.Remorse: she expressed once again her deep remorse about hurting, humiliating and inflicting so much pain on me. She told that if she'll get the chance, she'll dedicate her life to help me heal and get me rid of that pain.
2.Gratitude: she expressed gratitude not only for everything I have done for her in our twenty years of marriage but that I didn't left her immediately the moment she confessed everything; that I am still here. She said no matter what I decide, she's going to fight for me. She added that even divorce will not stop her from doing so unless I remarry someone afterwards. She used the military terminology, probably knowing I love it, telling that this might be her biggest fight in life and she'll better die in this war than to give up.
3.Determination to win me back and save the marriage: she told that she is basically willing to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING without exception to win me back and save the marriage. She said she knows it's her responsibility so she will give a detailed plan on how she's going to help me to restore my trust and love for her and that I am free to add anything I want and need

I did thank her and did not show her any signs of anger whatsoever. However, I don't know, it sounds crazy; I'm not sure but somehow it looks too good to be real.

September 17, 2015

(((Update)))

I am not at home at this moment, so wife texted right now; she sent a longer text message/letter. To sum it up, the letter was basically about:

1.Remorse: she expressed once again her deep remorse about hurting, humiliating and inflicting so much pain on me. She told that if she'll get the chance, she'll dedicate her life to help me heal and get me rid of that pain.
2.Gratitude: she expressed gratitude not only for everything I have done for her in our twenty years of marriage but that I didn't left her immediately the moment she confessed everything; that I am still here. She said no matter what I decide, she's going to fight for me. She added that even divorce will not stop her from doing so unless I remarry someone afterwards. She used the military terminology, probably knowing I love it, telling that this might be her biggest fight in life and she'll better die in this war than to give up.
3.Determination to win me back and save the marriage: she told that she is basically willing to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING without exception to win me back and save the marriage. She said she knows it's her responsibility so she will give a detailed plan on how she's going to help me to restore my trust and love for her and that I am free to add anything I want and need

I did thank her and did not show her any signs of anger whatsoever. However, I don't know, it sounds crazy; I'm not sure but somehow it looks too good to be real.

Oh dear, you're gonna take her back.

September 17, 2015

m.snow
That's not so easy. I'm a man and as a man I am a person of actions. I do not say words and thoughts have no meaning. However, right now, those are simply hollow words. There is a big dichotomy, a big mismatch, between her words and her actions. LOVE and an ONS with a STRANGER do not go together; they are contradictory. However, let's assume what you say is correct, I still don't see any reason to stop divorce. If it is like she says, then let's divorce and see her determination.

More than anything it would point to the fact that with time I should forgive her. I still don't think I OWE her reconciliation and second chance. I still can't see how with all that remorse she can UNDO or COMPENSATE the imbalance and injustice that she's created. It is beyond my mind. All our actions have consequences. Sometimes the damage can be repaired; sometimes, one can't fix the damage. In that case one must simply accept it. That's all.

Anyway, this letter is also the embodiment of my FEARS. It is the fear the more I have to stay, the more I'' soften and the more I will give in. I understand that given the circumstances in the family, I have no choice but leave gradually and ensure no one is damaged. I think I am able to do so.

It never is easy some say its impossible.

If you believe in actions & that words are empty if not back by it.

then give her chance to show that action.

if you believe that divorce is right course of punishment then do so.

but give her a chance to show you, that she can back her words up.

even after divorce stay by her.

see her pain is that not punishment. if she is the enemy can you show mercy.

ask any man here who has reconciled. they feel that there is always that imbalance that sense of injustice. but they somehow over came that because they love their spouse that much. call them fools. but dont you have to be fool to fall in love.

somehow we can quite understand the turmoil our heart.

to forgive but not forget. to give love a chance?

your wife confessed thats more than i can say for all the wayward wives here.

it takes True Guilt! to confess, And True Guilt is a step to reconciliation.

Edited September 17, 2015 by m.snow

September 17, 2015

(((Update)))

I am not at home at this moment, so wife texted right now; she sent a longer text message/letter. To sum it up, the letter was basically about:

1.Remorse: she expressed once again her deep remorse about hurting, humiliating and inflicting so much pain on me. She told that if she'll get the chance, she'll dedicate her life to help me heal and get me rid of that pain.
2.Gratitude: she expressed gratitude not only for everything I have done for her in our twenty years of marriage but that I didn't left her immediately the moment she confessed everything; that I am still here. She said no matter what I decide, she's going to fight for me. She added that even divorce will not stop her from doing so unless I remarry someone afterwards. She used the military terminology, probably knowing I love it, telling that this might be her biggest fight in life and she'll better die in this war than to give up.
3.Determination to win me back and save the marriage: she told that she is basically willing to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING without exception to win me back and save the marriage. She said she knows it's her responsibility so she will give a detailed plan on how she's going to help me to restore my trust and love for her and that I am free to add anything I want and need

I did thank her and did not show her any signs of anger whatsoever. However, I don't know, it sounds crazy; I'm not sure but somehow it looks too good to be real.

This sounds like she has been coached on what to say....are you sure she isn't looking at this forum, or another? Look at her actions though, not her words. I do think she is remorseful, and it wasn't intentional. People DO get that drunk and do stupid things (come on, we have all done silly things when drinking) Specially if, like me, she isn't used to drinking (I am a single mum with 2 SN kids, I rarely touch alcohol) Once your anger has passed a little, you may see she is being real. But again, this is what YOU have to decide, what you can and cannot accept.

September 17, 2015

You said you want to calm down before doing anything, including seeing a lawyer. I agree you need to calm down, but I think you need to see a lawyer ASAP to see where you stand and to avoid making mistakes. I personally think you need to talk to your wife in person before making a mistake and getting a D without all info in hand, but regardless, talk to a lawyer FIRST.

September 17, 2015

The idea you can forget is just another ignorance and delusion of the "reconciliation and recovery industry"

Actually, forgetting is a nonentity and non-issue that people choose to tack onto forgiving when everyone knows you cannot forget. Everyone with a brain knows nothing like this can ever be forgotten, and I have yet to see anyone suggest it on a forum. It's just that for some reason people choose to lack the capacity to separate forgiveness and forgetting.

That said, I think you are on the right track to detach. It would be best for you and your wife (especially if she is actually remorseful) for this marriage to just be ended.

I also applaud and admire you for being enough of a man NOT to have to beat your chest and put someone in the hospital to make your point

September 17, 2015

Have you told your wife you want a divorce regardless or is she under the impression you are going to give her another chance.

If you do decide to give her another chance what are the consequences of her actions. If its you watching her like a hawk then I have bad news for you. That only means your going to be punished for being the warden and then she will resent you for it and punish you again later in some other way.

I think if your dead set on divorce you should tell her and file right away. If your taking your time to figure out what you want to do then tell her that.

DO NOT BE LIKE HER. Be honest. Be decent. It doesn't matter in the end if its not far. It shows you control your own morality and your own path in life.

I hated my xW for years and still do but she does not see it. When I talk to her I treat her as a person. Maybe a stranger but not in a negative way. I communicate what I expect and most of the time she fails. I don't scream at her I don't tell her how to be a good mother to our kids. I simply take my kids back home and teach them the difference of right and wrong and how to treat people.

On another note my wife and eye have six kids together. All six are special needs kids. One of the six wasn't as bad as others but none the less they have all needed my support and my ability to be a good father too them. Try to keep this in mind when you make your decision with your marriage.

I do feel really bad for you. I hated it when it happened to me with my xW. I hope you can take some time out for yourself and talk to someone about this.

Your going to need all the help you can get regardless of what direction you choose to go in.

C

September 17, 2015

Have you told your wife you want a divorce regardless or is she under the impression you are going to give her another chance.

If you do decide to give her another chance what are the consequences of her actions. If its you watching her like a hawk then I have bad news for you. That only means your going to be punished for being the warden and then she will resent you for it and punish you again later in some other way.

I think if your dead set on divorce you should tell her and file right away. If your taking your time to figure out what you want to do then tell her that.

DO NOT BE LIKE HER. Be honest. Be decent. It doesn't matter in the end if its not far. It shows you control your own morality and your own path in life.

I hated my xW for years and still do but she does not see it. When I talk to her I treat her as a person. Maybe a stranger but not in a negative way. I communicate what I expect and most of the time she fails. I don't scream at her I don't tell her how to be a good mother to our kids. I simply take my kids back home and teach them the difference of right and wrong and how to treat people.

On another note my wife and eye have six kids together. All six are special needs kids. One of the six wasn't as bad as others but none the less they have all needed my support and my ability to be a good father too them. Try to keep this in mind when you make your decision with your marriage.

I do feel really bad for you. I hated it when it happened to me with my xW. I hope you can take some time out for yourself and talk to someone about this.

Your going to need all the help you can get regardless of what direction you choose to go in.

C

Damn I wrote that a little to early this morning. I have already found two wrong words lol

far=fair

eye=I

I should have read it over before I submitted it. Sorry.

C

September 17, 2015

Most probably she had lied to me on her believes about fidelity, hence she always knew my stance on this topic, which was not strong enough to prevent her from acting on those most primitive animalistic desires, which seems perfectly logic to me hence lying and deceitfulness is a very basic "why" in most cheaters actions.

I think for many WW's, "primitive animalistic desires" have very little to do with cheating. Your perception of her motivation may also have a lot to do with the non-negotiable position you've taken regarding reconciliation.

I doubt very much this was about her wanting or sexually desiring another man. What she felt was most likely an emotional connection - more perceived than real based on her own needs at that moment - and it was upon that impulse she acted.

None of this implies you weren't holding up your end of the marriage. And none of this lessens the degree of betrayal involved...

Mr. Lucky

September 17, 2015

Because, using only the information we were provided by the OP, there is no real justification to assume otherwise. We all know that no two situations are the same. If more information to the contrary is presented I may change my mind. I know for a fact that a ONS CAN occur between coworkers.

Wrong. Using only the information OP shared - that the OM is a co-worker - there is plenty of justification to seriously question whether this truly was a ONS. And of course, a ONS can occur between co-workers but that is not the typical case. When you are around someone on a daily basis and end up having sex with them there has been a lot of build-up leading to it. It's a strong red flag to me.

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She had an ONS, now she's "SOOOOOO" "remorseful" and wants to save the marriage

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