Effective way to respond to my ex's breadcrumbs

[Simon Phoenix]

Aaaagh. Just when I'm feeling fine. He reaches out again and asks how my work is going, and if I was able to self-motivate properly while I'm grieving. It's annoying because he does this AFTER WORK HOURS. I don't know whether to ignore him or answer him since this is about work.

 

I hate the cycle I have to go through whenever we talk. First, I feel all giddy and happy. Then a few days later I realize we're still broken up and I'm back to crying every morning. Then I feel fine.

 

It's not about work. Stop answering. Block him so he can't have access to you on your personal phone.

[purpledooze]

I've already cut off all access except Skype and that's where he's reaching out. Changed my number. House locks. I can't block him on email since we need that for work too.

[Simon Phoenix]

I've already cut off all access except Skype and that's where he's reaching out. Changed my number. House locks. I can't block him on email since we need that for work too.

 

Well, you don't have to answer him on Skype during non-working hours. So stop. Just keep it strictly professional and don't talk about other stuff.

[purpledooze]

So will this radio silence make him actually miss me or attempt to reconcile with me?

[Ellie35]

Maybe it will and maybe it won't.

 

But one sure thing is if you break the silence , you end up back at square one. We all hope (me included) that they miss you , care about you, realise they made a huge mistake etc however if they let you go they did so for a reason and when they contact you in most cases it's guilt, pity or to have someone in the back burner!!!

 

**** the breadcrumbs. By all means be mature and friendly with your ex but do so when you are over them and the feelings are not so raw otherwise you will never get a chance to find yourself again.

[Simon Phoenix]

So will this radio silence make him actually miss me or attempt to reconcile with me?

 

Probably not, but it will get you to move forward and recover quicker. Reconciliation happens from silence sometimes, but if that's the reason why you are in No Contact, it's a crappy reason. You need to do No Contact for the correct reason, not to play games.

 

The goal of No Contact is not to play a manipulative game with it and try to wait him out, so get out of that mentality pronto. Do you really want to trick someone into being in a relationship with you?

Edited September 17, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[purpledooze]

No, I don't want to trick him. And I do want to move on. Some people say moving on is the best shot I have at a reconciliation.

 

I've done my part. Recognized the problems in the relationship. Worked on my own problems. Concentrated on myself for months.

 

When we reconnected, even he was the one who suggested we both still have a connection and the chemistry is still so strong. He even said he needed space from his other ex-girlfriend. Wants to deal with some things alone.

 

Then he cut me off for another month after the reconciliation saying he was too busy.

 

Initially, he broke up with me saying our relationship had been a sinking ship. We started out long distance. I bridged the gap for our baby's sake. I became needy throughout the rest of the pregnancy. He broke up with me a few days before our baby was born.

[Simon Phoenix]

Wait, this guy ditched you when you were pregnant with his child? That's a scumbag move. Besides him being the father, there is no reason to have a relationship with this douchebag.

[purpledooze]

It's not about work. Stop answering. Block him so he can't have access to you on your personal phone.

 

It's a good thing we work remotely so we don't have to run into each other.

 

We had a brief discussion about issues with my productivity at work and I thought it best to let him and my other manager know that I've been having problems self-motivating and managing my time due to off-work stress.

 

So I guess he really is just asking about work. Even if I don't respond, the effect of his messages on me is annoying and frustrating. Half the time I try to analyze his motivations: is he trying to lay the groundwork for reconciliation by at least testing the waters, to see if our lines of communication are still open? Is he reaching out out of guilt/pity?

 

I'm comparing his actions with that of another ex, the one before him. That guy, never reached out asking if I was doing okay. It was me mostly initiating conversations until the emotional attachment wore off and I got over him. We never went into no contact since we didn't see the point -- the breakup was amicable, we were LDR, the only way to bridge that gap was to marry each other which we both didn't want at the time, we didn't want to lose our friendship by alienating each other. Our feelings for each other were never disruptive; and we loved each other to the point where we want the best for each other.

 

But this ex. I don't know what's going on in his head.

[purpledooze]

Wait, this guy ditched you when you were pregnant with his child? That's a scumbag move. Besides him being the father, there is no reason to have a relationship with this douchebag.

 

He just really has strong convictions about children. That's why he broke up with his ex before me: she wanted kids, he didn't. He supported me by setting me up with an apartment (though I'm paying half of it), help me with my job, he'd sometimes help with finances.

 

He was pretty adamant about his non-involvement in the baby's life. I didn't want us to get married for that sole reason. Although when we rekindled our romance by going on a trip outside the country, I saw him liking pictures of kids and babies on Facebook. He even went to one ultrasound session with me and beat the doctor to the punch when he saw that the baby was a boy.

 

I have a feeling his other ex-girlfriend talked him out of it. Even as far as telling him I kept the baby to lock him down. She's the one who told him, when he was in a serious, exclusive relationship with me, that he was different with me somehow. They had been in an open relationship for almost a decade, no talk of marriage, and he cheated on her lots of times. But for some reason, she was surprised to find out he was being serious with me and told him, "That's not who you are."

[Ellie35]

It's the analysing , the unknown, the what ifs , the friend said something, the ex said something , the I should have , could have , would have , the if I get another chance I will...... This **** will keep you up at night, give you anxiety and stress you out. This is the drama, the toxicity that makes break ups so hard.

 

The facts: he left you.

 

The consequences: (1) keep analysing and obsessing

Or. (2) start planning albeit slowly and painfully for your future

Get fit and healthy, get financially secure, make a list of

Small goals and start working on them!!!

 

Go today, get a diary that's all about you!! Use this as an opportunity to change something.

 

I am struggling not to comment on the fact he left you when pregnant. Absolute wanker!

[purpledooze]

[9/16/2015 7:48:30 PM] XXXX: so motivated yet?

[9/16/2015 7:48:43 PM] XXXX: hows the work coming along?

 

This was his message. Maybe I should reply and tell him to leave me alone.

[pidgeon1010]

Silence = I don't want to talk. Leave me alone. You don't have to say anything.

[Simon Phoenix]

He just really has strong convictions about children. That's why he broke up with his ex before me: she wanted kids, he didn't. He supported me by setting me up with an apartment (though I'm paying half of it), help me with my job, he'd sometimes help with finances.

 

He was pretty adamant about his non-involvement in the baby's life. I didn't want us to get married for that sole reason. Although when we rekindled our romance by going on a trip outside the country, I saw him liking pictures of kids and babies on Facebook. He even went to one ultrasound session with me and beat the doctor to the punch when he saw that the baby was a boy.

 

I have a feeling his other ex-girlfriend talked him out of it. Even as far as telling him I kept the baby to lock him down. She's the one who told him, when he was in a serious, exclusive relationship with me, that he was different with me somehow. They had been in an open relationship for almost a decade, no talk of marriage, and he cheated on her lots of times. But for some reason, she was surprised to find out he was being serious with me and told him, "That's not who you are."

 

He sounds awful. Sorry. I don't care what his views on children are -- you make one, you take care of it. Stop trying to spin and whiteknight for this guy. And stop trying to figure out what's going on in his head! You have enough to worry about trying to figure out what's going on in your head.

[qubist]

[9/16/2015 7:48:30 PM] XXXX: so motivated yet?

[9/16/2015 7:48:43 PM] XXXX: hows the work coming along?

 

This was his message. Maybe I should reply and tell him to leave me alone.

replay professionally, keep it within work and only during working hours. wait till tomorrow at the office and write back with something that's strictly work related

[purpledooze]

replay professionally, keep it within work and only during working hours. wait till tomorrow at the office and write back with something that's strictly work related

 

I'll mirror his responses and reply after a week.

If he really did want visibility on my work, he can always ask my other manager.

If it was out of concern about my work output, I've already told him that self-motivation was my responsibility in light of my loss/grief, and that I would deal with it ASAP. And there are many ways he can check my productivity and work output other than asking me. So I'm guessing Simon Phoenix is right. This is more than work. He's reaching out for a reason, ego boost, guilt, pity, I don't know.

 

I told him about a month back that I've decided to move on and I wanted a clean break: I asked for our chat logs on Skype and Facebook be deleted on both our ends (I feared his other ex-girlfriend was reading them).

[qubist]

I'll mirror his responses and reply after a week.

If he really did want visibility on my work, he can always ask my other manager.

If it was out of concern about my work output, I've already told him that self-motivation was my responsibility in light of my loss/grief, and that I would deal with it ASAP. And there are many ways he can check my productivity and work output other than asking me. So I'm guessing Simon Phoenix is right. This is more than work. He's reaching out for a reason, ego boost, guilt, pity, I don't know.

 

I told him about a month back that I've decided to move on and I wanted a clean break: I asked for our chat logs on Skype and Facebook be deleted on both our ends (I feared his other ex-girlfriend was reading them).

based on what you wrote, he is trying to stay in touch with you beyound work relationship. the question is what kind of "staying in touch" he wants. the question for is do you still want him back?

if NO: keep ignoring him till he gives up. you can replay with anything else because so far his messages are borderline normal. but if he crossed the limit of respect you can just ask him the get the hell out of your life.

If YES: this will be challenging, first you will have to find out why he is really trying to check you out. because there is a chance that he is just trying to stay in touch as friend or maybe he feels some sort of guilt and looking to ease it on himself. in tis case keep plying it cool for now respond within work and wait. if he is intrested he will escalate the language to the next step

[purpledooze]

based on what you wrote, he is trying to stay in touch with you beyound work relationship. the question is what kind of "staying in touch" he wants. the question for is do you still want him back?

if NO: keep ignoring him till he gives up. you can replay with anything else because so far his messages are borderline normal. but if he crossed the limit of respect you can just ask him the get the hell out of your life.

If YES: this will be challenging, first you will have to find out why he is really trying to check you out. because there is a chance that he is just trying to stay in touch as friend or maybe he feels some sort of guilt and looking to ease it on himself. in tis case keep plying it cool for now respond within work and wait. if he is intrested he will escalate the language to the next step

 

Yes, I want him back. But right now, he's spending a lot of time with his other ex-girlfriend. So I'm guessing he's reaching out out of guilt or is looking for an ego boost like last time.

 

The last time we reconnected he told me all his plans for the future, how he plans to move out. When I told him my other old ex-boyfriend was back in town (flew in from Europe to help me with my baby's birth and funeral) and that we're kind of dating, he said, "To be honest, you can do better than him." He'd flirt. But as soon as he got the hint that I was still interested in him, he pulled back, disappeared, told me he was busy, stopped responding to my messages.

 

So I went full no contact for over a month again. And now he's back asking stupid questions about whether I went to someone's funeral or how my work is doing after work hours. Maybe because my birthday is up? Or maybe because he said he was leaving the country in October and that he needs someone to talk to about his achievements toward that so far? Or he's making sure I'm okay? I feel like I need to confront him and ask outright,

 

"You made it pretty clear you didn't want to be involved in my life or me in yours. Why the *** are you reaching out?"

[Blanco]

Just sounds like a lot of push-pull games. And what's the prize? A guy who's already abandoned you once; while you were pregnant with his child, no less.

[qubist]

Yes, I want him back. But right now, he's spending a lot of time with his other ex-girlfriend. So I'm guessing he's reaching out out of guilt or is looking for an ego boost like last time.

 

The last time we reconnected he told me all his plans for the future, how he plans to move out. When I told him my other old ex-boyfriend was back in town (flew in from Europe to help me with my baby's birth and funeral) and that we're kind of dating, he said, "To be honest, you can do better than him." He'd flirt. But as soon as he got the hint that I was still interested in him, he pulled back, disappeared, told me he was busy, stopped responding to my messages.

 

So I went full no contact for over a month again. And now he's back asking stupid questions about whether I went to someone's funeral or how my work is doing after work hours. Maybe because my birthday is up? Or maybe because he said he was leaving the country in October and that he needs someone to talk to about his achievements toward that so far? Or he's making sure I'm okay? I feel like I need to confront him and ask outright,

 

"You made it pretty clear you didn't want to be involved in my life or me in yours. Why the *** are you reaching out?"

I don't know that for sure, but if I had to guess he is not doing out of guilt. I thik he is missing something in his current R that you once provided, he wants to make sure you are still around. his selfish mind doesn't want let go of you.

I have read a similar story somewhere in this forum, where this guy left his GF for another girl because she was a "wife" material while he wasn't ready for commitment. so he do the same thing your Ex is doing to you which was just enough to keep her wondering and every time she was seeing anybody else he wold appear in her life again just to ruin it for. when she finely decided to move on with a strict NC he went crazy and finally admitted that he was scare of commitment .

who knows what in his mind. whether he still wants you or not you should just go strict NC, I know it's hard. but be real you can't just expect things will change just like that. explore all your options. if an opportunity to see somebody else present itself go for it. if he really wants you he will do something about it

[purpledooze]

I don't know that for sure, but if I had to guess he is not doing out of guilt. I thik he is missing something in his current R that you once provided, he wants to make sure you are still around. his selfish mind doesn't want let go of you.

I have read a similar story somewhere in this forum, where this guy left his GF for another girl because she was a "wife" material while he wasn't ready for commitment. so he do the same thing your Ex is doing to you which was just enough to keep her wondering and every time she was seeing anybody else he wold appear in her life again just to ruin it for. when she finely decided to move on with a strict NC he went crazy and finally admitted that he was scare of commitment .

who knows what in his mind. whether he still wants you or not you should just go strict NC, I know it's hard. but be real you can't just expect things will change just like that. explore all your options. if an opportunity to see somebody else present itself go for it. if he really wants you he will do something about it

 

Thanks for the advice. I don't know if he's back together with his other ex. A month ago he said he didn't want to be in a relationship with either of us. Maybe he is missing something. Back when we reconnected, he talked a lot about his plans: he was training so he can climb El Capitan, he's planning to go to this monastery in Tibet and train kung fu for 3 months. I asked him if he talks to anyone else about these dreams and plans, he said, no.

 

I also have a feeling his other ex gave him an ultimatum. That's why she blocked me on Facebook. Maybe she asked him to block me and he refused.

 

I haven't replied to his message. My birthday will be up this Saturday and I don't know if I should reply if he ever greets me. Silly part of me is hoping he'd show up on my doorstep with a bunch of flowers. But I don't know anymore.

 

Right now I'm focusing on my job, disposing of my baby's things (broke my heart when I had to sell his Star Trek onesies). I've lost all my baby weight and people are surprised I can rock a bikini only a month after giving birth. I'm volunteering at a nearby orphanage to help me deal with my baby's loss. Yoga, meditation. I don't want to get in the dating scene yet. I need a year of eat-pray-love **** first. Lol.

[qubist]

Thanks for the advice. I don't know if he's back together with his other ex. A month ago he said he didn't want to be in a relationship with either of us. Maybe he is missing something. Back when we reconnected, he talked a lot about his plans: he was training so he can climb El Capitan, he's planning to go to this monastery in Tibet and train kung fu for 3 months. I asked him if he talks to anyone else about these dreams and plans, he said, no.

 

If I also have a feeling his other ex gave him an ultimatum. That's why she blocked me on Facebook. Maybe she asked him to block me and he refused.

 

I haven't replied to his message. My birthday will be up this Saturday and I don't know if I should reply if he ever greets me. Silly part of me is hoping he'd show up on my doorstep with a bunch of flowers. But I don't know anymore.

 

Right now I'm focusing on my job, disposing of my baby's things (broke my heart when I had to sell his Star Trek onesies). I've lost all my baby weight and people are surprised I can rock a bikini only a month after giving birth. I'm volunteering at a nearby orphanage to help me deal with my baby's loss. Yoga, meditation. I don't want to get in the dating scene yet. I need a year of eat-pray-love **** first. Lol.

first of all Happy Birthday

believe it or not, you are doing good, all those feelings about wanting him to be back and bringing flowers for your Birthday are normal, you just have to act upon them the right and smart way.

we do not know what's in his mind but I'm willing to bet that he is avoiding commitment. so you need not to show him your feelings right now because it will only keep him away from you.

it would have been easy if you can just move on and shut him out of your life. you may not believe it but trust me you can be happy with or without him, the only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. but I understand that you want to keep hope, which is fine as long as you don't invest all your emotions in it.

If I was your closest friend I would steal your computer/phone and delete all his contact if you know what I mean. you need to distance yourself from him and work on getting used to live without him, I know its hard but believe me there is a happy life for you without him somewhere if you want it. if you do that you will find out how much he really wants you. the more he does the harder he will try to find you, and if he doesn't try enough you would already be in a position to move on.

make him miss you

Edited September 21, 2015 by qubist

[purpledooze]

first of all Happy Birthday

believe it or not, you are doing good, all those feelings about wanting him to be back and bringing flowers for your Birthday are normal, you just have to act upon them the right and smart way.

we do not know what's in his mind but I'm willing to bet that he is avoiding commitment. so you need not to show him your feelings right now because it will only keep him away from you.

it would have been easy if you can just move on and shut him out of your life. you may not believe it but trust me you can be happy with or without him, the only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. but I understand that you want to keep hope, which is fine as long as you don't invest all your emotions in it.

If I was your closest friend I would steal your computer/phone and delete all his contact if you know what I mean. you need to distance yourself from him and work on getting used to live without him, I know its hard but believe me there is a happy life for you without him somewhere if you want it. if you do that you will find out how much he really wants you. the more he does the harder he will try to find you, and if he doesn't try enough you would already be in a position to move on.

make him miss you

 

Thanks for the well wishes.

 

But I truly doubt he'll come back and give us another chance. I was the rebound girl when he and his 12-year ex broke up. They've come a long way since college and even had plans to get married. She's met his family and even when we were together, he introduced me to their common friends as his "friend." He's cheated on her multiple times but they're still working things out. I can't help but feel I was just an outsider. Just thinking about that right now brings me to tears.

 

When we reconnected, he insisted (to the point of being annoyed whenever I'd mention her name) that she wasn't his "loving girlfriend." And that he needs a lot of space from her.

 

I've blocked all channels of communication, except for those we need at work: email and Skype. I'm keeping him on Facebook for appearance's sake (we went to the same high school together and I feel it's in our best interests if our common friends think we're "civil"). I've changed my number.

Edited September 21, 2015 by purpledooze

[qubist]

Thanks for the well wishes.

 

But I truly doubt he'll come back and give us another chance. I was the rebound girl when he and his 12-year ex broke up. They've come a long way since college and even had plans to get married. She's met his family and even when we were together, he introduced me to their common friends as his "friend." He's cheated on her multiple times but they're still working things out. I can't help but feel I was just an outsider. Just thinking about that right now brings me to tears.

 

When we reconnected, he insisted (to the point of being annoyed whenever I'd mention her name) that she wasn't his "loving girlfriend." And that he needs a lot of space from her.

 

I've blocked all channels of communication, except for those we need at work: email and Skype. I'm keeping him on Facebook for appearance's sake (we went to the same high school together and I feel it's in our best interests if our common friends think we're "civil"). I've changed my number.

again, You are doing good,

if he doesn't come back, you should be fine, but it will take time. remember the harder you work on forgetting him the fastest you would move on. keep ignoring his messages. I understand that you are not ready for a new dating experience which is very normal. but continue doing all other things that make you happy that would make you strong again.

If he decides to come back, you will be at least in a position to consider all options including saying " Ohh no thanks".

[purpledooze]

It's been week. I know I said I'd mirror his response and reply after a week. But it's better to just stay silent.

 

Still, the itch to reply is still there. So I'll just post it here.

 

Been busy trying to juggle new tasks with pending stuff. Working on comms with the team. Since you asked how work was coming along, I've asked for comms/requests to be in internal chat so you'll have visibility. I believe you'll have more accurate feedback if my issues have been addressed if you asked my manager and the team instead of me.

 

If your question was more personal than work-related, stop contacting me after work hours out of guilt. You made a selfish decision, let our relationship sink, broke all of your promises, left me for dead, cut me off and chose your ex. Stop "wondering how things are" because it's making me think you care when you actually don't give a ****. Get out of my face.