Having Sex With My Ex, Is This A Bad Idea???

[Diezel]

Then end it.

 

Before she does it again to you.

[soulforge]

Then to answer your topic question, yes it is a bad idea. The actual truth is you're finding "reasons" to continue doing this FWB with your ex and most of the reasons you listed out is all "blaming" on how she's acting and saying to you to make you "confused". Quite frankly it's no use lying to yourself and acting helpless/innocent in this situation. You KNOW it's a bad idea and you KNOW what to do but again like I said you're trying to find reasons to be "confused" so that you can justify your actions. This really isn't about her, it's more about you. You have control over what's going to happen so it's up to you to stop it if that's truly what you feel is right for you.

 

Wow you know me better than i know myself :rolleyes:

 

 

the truth is, i am confused.. she wants to be FWB, but then she has said and done things, that suggest to me, that she wants to be more than that with me!

 

its hard letting go of someone who you have a long history with.. and the last few months have not been all bad.. there has been, stress and anxiety, but it has been fun too

 

i enjoyed spending time with her.. but that does not mean its a healthy situation for me in the long run!

 

by continuing seeing her, i am bound to develop strong feelings for her, or even fall for her at some point

 

i feel quite torn.. but i suppose i need to look out for myself & protect myself from getting screwed over by her.

[kismetkismet]

This doesn't sounds like friends with benefits.. this is ex sex. which is quite different. You have residual feelings for her and say that you are going to be hurt if she meets someone else, but that's exactly what is going to happen! Her saying you can date other people confirms that there is no commitment between the two of you, and the very purpose of 'friends with benefits' is often to tide people over between relationships. Some people like to still do the whole 'babe' 'xs and os' thing while they wait to find someone they can have a real relationship with. You can't be friends with benefits with someone that you have feelings for and not get hurt. Particularly not an ex when there is so much history.

[quattrob]

Wow you know me better than i know myself :rolleyes:

 

 

the truth is, i am confused.. she wants to be FWB, but then she has said and done things, that suggest to me, that she wants to be more than that with me!

 

its hard letting go of someone who you have a long history with.. and the last few months have not been all bad.. there has been, stress and anxiety, but it has been fun too

 

i enjoyed spending time with her.. but that does not mean its a healthy situation for me in the long run!

 

by continuing seeing her, i am bound to develop strong feelings for her, or even fall for her at some point

 

i feel quite torn.. but i suppose i need to look out for myself & protect myself from getting screwed over by her.

 

 

I know you're being sarcastic and yes I don't know you but it seems like even you don't know yourself otherwise you wouldn't be confused and do these things that can hurt yourself. So the truth is like you said part of you wants to still have a relationship with her, you knew this probably before you started this whole fwb thing but you still chose to do it because you just can't refuse it.

 

 

Having a "fwb" with an ex when you clearly haven't gotten over her is a bad decision and im sure you know that by now. You put yourself in the position you are in now and you're still focusing on what her motives are, that shouldn't matter because like you said you don't want to get hurt and she'll dump you again.

 

 

To be totally honest, you just sound weak and a doormat, you think you're using her for sex but actually she's using you for sex and toying with your emotions.

[elaine567]

the truth is, i am confused.. she wants to be FWB, but then she has said and done things, that suggest to me, that she wants to be more than that with me!

 

Why don't you sit her down and ask her what she thinks here. I know she went into this arrangement as a FWB but she may have changed her mind, as you say, it feels like dating.

YOU know this is all a bad idea, but that hasn't stopped you from wanting more, so lay it out on the line.

Say you want more and if she agrees and is on the same page, say you will not put up with any more nonsense from her and if she starts you will end it, there and then, and there will be no more reconciliations. Talk clearly about what you both expect from a relationship and if it just doesn't match up then you know what to do.

 

If she says it is just sex and you are just a FWB, then you have your answer, you are a fill in, cut your losses, stop seeing her and look for a nice woman to have a proper relationship with

[soulforge]

I know you're being sarcastic and yes I don't know you but it seems like even you don't know yourself otherwise you wouldn't be confused and do these things that can hurt yourself. So the truth is like you said part of you wants to still have a relationship with her, you knew this probably before you started this whole fwb thing but you still chose to do it because you just can't refuse it.

 

 

Having a "fwb" with an ex when you clearly haven't gotten over her is a bad decision and im sure you know that by now. You put yourself in the position you are in now and you're still focusing on what her motives are, that shouldn't matter because like you said you don't want to get hurt and she'll dump you again.

 

 

To be totally honest, you just sound weak and a doormat, you think you're using her for sex but actually she's using you for sex and toying with your emotions.

 

To be honest, i got into this fwb situation with my ex, after quite a hurtful break up with a girl i really wanted to be with...

 

She also contacted me straight after breaking up with a guy... we both had broken up with people..

 

And in all honesty i did not care one bit, other than to just to have sex with her, with no feelings and emotions involved.. i was 100% over her..

 

But like people have pointed out, this is EX SEX and feelings are bound re surface at some point or another..

 

I enjoy the time we spend together and so does she.. this is why the situation is rather dangerous.. plus this girl has a history of screwing me over...

 

I will have to end it with her ASAP. .. there is no other option

[Zapbasket]

I think you're posting here because your head (the one sitting on your neck) already knows the answer, but your other head (the one lurking in your pants) and possibly your heart, too, are quite enjoying your current arrangement.

 

Yes, you're frolicking in a minefield and yes, this will not end well for you. That is a guarantee. I can imagine that your FWB situation feels AMAZING right now; I know I have juicy sexual fantasies all the time regarding my ex and to actually get the chance to have sex with him would be a HUGE turn-on as well as an enormous emotional release and it would be hard to stop that arrangement BUT IT WOULD BE NECESSARY.

 

I can just imagine how hard it is to peel yourself away from something that feels so good, for now. But you have to let your, um, brain-head override your (sorry) dick-head and extricate yourself from this immediately. You already KNOW this is not a good idea, so ACT ON IT.

[soulforge]

UPDATE

 

I have blocked and removed her from my whatsapp contacts and deleted her number etc..

 

I just followed my gut.. Why should i put myself in a situation where she could easily use me, then happily just move on to another man..

 

I hope i have done the right thing guys

[soulforge]

Why don't you sit her down and ask her what she thinks here. I know she went into this arrangement as a FWB but she may have changed her mind, as you say, it feels like dating.

YOU know this is all a bad idea, but that hasn't stopped you from wanting more, so lay it out on the line.

Say you want more and if she agrees and is on the same page, say you will not put up with any more nonsense from her and if she starts you will end it, there and then, and there will be no more reconciliations. Talk clearly about what you both expect from a relationship and if it just doesn't match up then you know what to do.

 

If she says it is just sex and you are just a FWB, then you have your answer, you are a fill in, cut your losses, stop seeing her and look for a nice woman to have a proper relationship with

 

 

I understand what you are saying... but honestly in the past, this woman has begged and pleaded with me to take her back, on the promise that she will NEVER let me down again!!

 

And you know what, within weeks she broke all her promises and treated me like utter garbage.

 

How could i possibly risk getting back into a relationship again... also this girl can go from hot to cold in a heartbeat..

 

In one moment i can be the greatest guy in the world in her eyes, then suddenly i am garbage to her..

 

Only a month ago she suggested she didn't like the the FWB situation, that she was happy to share me with another woman.. or wanted to be more than FWB

 

Then only 3 days ago, she told me, that she is only seeing me, and i dont belong to her..

 

Its just very confusing

[dumbass2]

Bottom line......you are wasting time on her. It is a no win situation for you. There's really nothing else to say and I think deep down you know it.

[elaine567]

I understand what you are saying... but honestly in the past, this woman has begged and pleaded with me to take her back, on the promise that she will NEVER let me down again!!

 

And you know what, within weeks she broke all her promises and treated me like utter garbage.

 

How could i possibly risk getting back into a relationship again... also this girl can go from hot to cold in a heartbeat..

 

In one moment i can be the greatest guy in the world in her eyes, then suddenly i am garbage to her..

 

Only a month ago she suggested she didn't like the the FWB situation, that she was happy to share me with another woman.. or wanted to be more than FWB

 

Then only 3 days ago, she told me, that she is only seeing me, and i dont belong to her..

 

Its just very confusing

 

I see you have now blocked her out of your life and I agree it is probably the right thing to do.

Dealing with unstable, unpredictable people is not good for anyone. She and you are not on the same page and I doubt at 40 something, she is going to do a U-turn and suddenly be a person you can rely on.

Find a better woman, someone who truly appreciates you and is not going to have you constantly on edge wondering what on earth she is going to do next.

[soulforge]

I see you have now blocked her out of your life and I agree it is probably the right thing to do.

Dealing with unstable, unpredictable people is not good for anyone. She and you are not on the same page and I doubt at 40 something, she is going to do a U-turn and suddenly be a person you can rely on.

Find a better woman, someone who truly appreciates you and is not going to have you constantly on edge wondering what on earth she is going to do next.

 

This is exactly how i feel around her.. i cannot truley be myself or open myself up and love her, because loving her has only bought me pain in the past.. i fear loving her or falling in love with her!!!

 

She is unpredictable, and in a relationship i would only feel on constant edge around her..

 

 

Another thing i should mention.. when i was in a relationship with her some years ago, i noticed she seemed a bit too close to her ex whom she has a child with.

 

A little too close for comfort.. infact she even put her ex before me, on quite a few occasions..

 

Anyhow in the past when we was both together, she told me her ex never comes inside the house, he simply picks up there daughter and leaves.. it later turned out, he was coming inside the house for an hour or more sometimes...

 

Around 3 weeks ago, she sent me a text telling me, thats her ex has offered her SEX.. but she refused, because she feels i am better looking than him, and its better sex with me..

 

I was a little dumfounded, that she even told me this.. why did she need to tell me this.. my guess is, she was testing me to see how I react, or to see if i get jealous.. i just laughed it off!!!

 

Now why would her ex all of a sudden, start offering her sex... especially when he is in a relationship.. my guess is, he has probably offered her sex before when we was together, or has probably had sex with her, at some point when i could have been seeing her..

 

 

The point i am trying to make is.. even if i had got into a relationship with her, i would have to have eyes in the back of my head, to make sure her ex is not trying to bang her..

 

They have a child together, and they see each other every other day... this would become a big problem, if i ended up with her.. as i would always worry about what might or could be going on between the both of them!!

 

 

I think getting out now, was the best thing for me to do, as a relationship with her would have only bought me, anxiety, stress, heart ache, and eventually getting dumped...

Edited September 4, 2015 by soulforge

[soulforge]

Do you think i did the right thing?

 

I suppose its normal to second guess yourself a little

[CharlesV]

Man I am in the exact same situation as yours. Red your story and thought it was me who wrote it, haha. I am also in a Fwb thing with my ex, and recently started to get some feelings again.. Sigh

 

I think the best thing to do is to just enjoy it while it lasts, but that's just my opinion. When I DO end it because I am scared to get hurt again, I think I will have regrets that I ended the friends with benefits. I mean, it could be worse you know . Men are craving to be in the position that we are in right now.

 

But yeah, I know what u feel. I want her to be my girlfriend too I guess. I am just trying not to get too needy about that, because that will only drive her away. (After all, I was dumped because of being too needy in our past relationship). Let things develop over time, if it's meant to be, it will be.

[quattrob]

Man I am in the exact same situation as yours. Red your story and thought it was me who wrote it, haha. I am also in a Fwb thing with my ex, and recently started to get some feelings again.. Sigh

 

I think the best thing to do is to just enjoy it while it lasts, but that's just my opinion. When I DO end it because I am scared to get hurt again, I think I will have regrets that I ended the friends with benefits. I mean, it could be worse you know . Men are craving to be in the position that we are in right now.

 

But yeah, I know what u feel. I want her to be my girlfriend too I guess. I am just trying not to get too needy about that, because that will only drive her away. (After all, I was dumped because of being too needy in our past relationship). Let things develop over time, if it's meant to be, it will be.

 

 

 

I don't know what kind of men would want to be in your position, those are pretty weak and sad men you're talking about.. more like boys because they have no self-respect or control, quite sad. "Men" would rather be sleeping and having sex with someone that actually loves them and want to be with them in a fully committed relationship. Not what you are doing, that's one of the worse position to put yourself in, the best if you want to hurt yourself.

[soulforge]

I don't know what kind of men would want to be in your position, those are pretty weak and sad men you're talking about.. more like boys because they have no self-respect or control, quite sad. "Men" would rather be sleeping and having sex with someone that actually loves them and want to be with them in a fully committed relationship. Not what you are doing, that's one of the worse position to put yourself in, the best if you want to hurt yourself.

 

I agree with this.. yes sex is important to me, but i also have self respect... and no amount of sex is worth having your self respect taken away from you..

 

 

I could carry on seeing her for sex.. but what will i get at the end of it.. just my feelings crushed, and thrown away like a piece of dirt for another man!

 

I can understand how FWB can work with some people, but it is very difficult with someone who you once loved.

 

The more time you spend with that person, the more likely those loving feelings will come back... why put yourself through that.

 

And yes it could always go from FWB to back to a relationship... but i had been in a relationship with this woman and broke up atleast 5 times!!!

 

I was left crushed... my self worth and self esteem anyhilated.. the more i loved her, the more she destroyed me.

 

Its not worth the hurt in the long run..

[soulforge]

Man I am in the exact same situation as yours. Red your story and thought it was me who wrote it, haha. I am also in a Fwb thing with my ex, and recently started to get some feelings again.. Sigh

 

I think the best thing to do is to just enjoy it while it lasts, but that's just my opinion. When I DO end it because I am scared to get hurt again, I think I will have regrets that I ended the friends with benefits. I mean, it could be worse you know . Men are craving to be in the position that we are in right now.

 

But yeah, I know what u feel. I want her to be my girlfriend too I guess. I am just trying not to get too needy about that, because that will only drive her away. (After all, I was dumped because of being too needy in our past relationship). Let things develop over time, if it's meant to be, it will be.

 

 

 

I can understand you are keeping this FWB thing going, because eventually you would like her to be your girlfriend again...

 

With me, i cannot afford to have her as my girlfriend again... waaaay to risky!!

 

If she dumped you once, who is to say she won't dump you again

[soulforge]

To be honest..

 

If i had asked her, if she wanted to try bieng more than just FWB i am pretty certain she would have agreed to having a relationship with me

 

But.. i really don't believe she would make a reliable partner for me in the long run, she has proven that on many occasions

 

Even tho we parted for two years, she is 46 years old... and i very much doubt she has changed much

[ImmortalDracula]

Bit late , is it not, to ask as you are already seeing her.

What you have there is technically referred to as a mad one, a stone bonker, incoherent raving lunacy, recent escapee from the sanatorium (local nymphorium is fine) and so on. But they are often other worldly in the bedroom atop the kitchen table etc. Besides everyone must be afforded a fair chance.

 

Bless the toxic ones & it usually takes me a month to work out if they are 100% toxic and caught forever in their errant cycle of confrontations plethora, accusations, and recriminations.

 

Most cannot function even a day alone and they often have a few rough ready sailors lined up, so to speak

 

I myself have never claimed sanity, ever, as one of my stronger points. Hence i can ravish fair maiden wench into next week and several weeks after with a mere sideways glance.

 

Still, I’d be interested to know how you get yourself out of this one Houdini.

Edited September 4, 2015 by ImmortalDracula

[soulforge]

hello guys..

 

had a bit of a rough day today.. even tho logic tells me i have done the right thing, by getting myself out of this situation.. i still have some lingering thoughts about what could have been...

 

feeling a mixture of relief and some regrets.. i am guessing its normal to feel like this!

 

i am 39 years old.. i just feel like i cannot spend the rest of my life with a woman, living in fear of what is around the corner, when will she dump me again.. or is she having sex with her ex

 

broken up 4 or 5 times already.. even tho we had a two year break.. can a person really change.. i have my doubts if she really has changed

[soulforge]

Guys really struggling today.. starting to miss her, and second guessing my decision.. i hope i made the right choice

[MINDSHIFT]

Its all about your will power. Your situation tough, Im trying to put myself in your shoes and to be honest I probably would of caved n went back to her. Weigh up your options and protect yourself. I f you know its not gonna work then dont do it to yourself. Looking back at situations with my ex when i had the power card I wish I let her go, hindsight is 2020.

 

The time you waste with this girl can be used to find someone new.

[soulforge]

Is there any hope in this situation?

 

I have heard so many times, that on and off relationships never work out.

 

i wanted to give you some kind if idea of how my relationship was with this woman just over two years ago, when we was together.

 

01. She was rude and disrespectful to me quite a lot

 

02. She used to control the sex & used to reject me if i initiated sex with her

 

03. Her friends, her family, even her ex sometimes came before me.. i was on the bottom of the pile

 

04. She was passive aggressive & would use long silent treatment on me.

 

05. She was hot and cold, sometimes loving, then would not care about me in the slightest

 

06. She lied on quite a few occasions

 

07. she is too close to her ex for comfort (and recently she told me, he wants to have sex with her)

 

08. We broke up at least 5 times in the past.

 

09. She dumped me 2 years ago, just one week before Christmas and i went complete no contact on her for around 2 years.

 

she did come round begging for me to get back with her, 3 months after she dumped me, but i ignored her.

 

 

10. She has recently broke up with a guy she was seeing for 5 months, so there could be a possibility i was her rebound this time around.

 

11. There is a risk she could possibly end up going back to this guy.

 

 

 

 

She claims to have changed as a person.. she is 46 years old.. its seems too risky for me to get into a relationship with this woman again.. TOO RISKY

 

what do you think guys????

[soulforge]

Partly some of this behaviour by her, was my fault as i did not stand my ground and be a stronger person, who stood up for myself.

 

I am a much stronger person now... nearly 3 years have passed since we broke up.. can a toxic person really change?

[BC1980]

Partly some of this behaviour by her, was my fault as i did not stand my ground and be a stronger person, who stood up for myself.

 

I am a much stronger person now... nearly 3 years have passed since we broke up.. can a toxic person really change?

 

A toxic person can change, but I don't think it's likely in your situation. Maybe you're toxic for each other and bring out the worst in each other. If you've broken up 5 times, I think it's time to admit it's just not meant to be. That's not a relationship. That's just a dysfunctional cycle.

 

You listed a lot of negatives about her, so I have to question why you would persist in wanting a relationship with her.