To Men. Who can actually resist (infidelity)

[Mr. Lucky]

Can the men here PLEASE tell me stories of avoiding temptation? Real temptation thrown at them? Please tell me there are.....

 

I won't add to the stories, like most married folks I've had opportunities both subtle and overt presented me. Have never really been tempted.

 

One observation I'll make is that the rate of these interactions seems to occur in inverse proportion to my availability. When I was divorced, needy and single, it was very difficult to get good-looking women to even talk to me. Now happily married many years, had over the course of time some pretty bold - and unrequited - propositions.

 

Nature can be cruel ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[VeryBrokenMan]

I have posted about this before here. I've had the opportunity on a number of occasions to cheat and none were alcohol fueled and I'm proud to say that none of the women had a chance. All of them were very attractive women who had I been single would have jumped at the chance to be with.

 

Cheating on your spouse is clearly a character issue and some just don't have that internal rule set that tells them certain things are wrong. Doing the right thing when your spouse is not watching is really hard for some people apparently.

 

I might add there is not a single cell in my body that regrets not cheating on my wife even though she did. I can look myself in the mirror and be happy with what I see as a person, she will never be able to see that again. I suspect that may be really hard to deal with.

 

There are some men out there that are decent and would never cheat on you but if the Ashley Madison leak is any indication there are about 30 million men in the US that will. Not very good odds in my book. I used to believe in love and commitment and in marriage. But nothing is worth the devastation I feel after having lived through my wife's affair. I'm mostly OK now but I would not wish the pain of a spouses affair on anyone.

 

If I were single I would not see myself taking the risk of a relationship ever again. No new relationship is worth the risk of that type of pain. Call me jaded but I have to assume there may be many other men and women like me who might be divorced from their cheaters but refuse to jump back in the relationship pool. So what you have left in the pool are all the cheaters that were divorced by the decent spouses. That is why it seems like second and subsequent marriages fail so often they are made up of cheaters in many cases that have cheated again.

[Celestial-dreamer]

 

If I were single I would not see myself taking the risk of a relationship ever again. No new relationship is worth the risk of that type of pain. Call me jaded but I have to assume there may be many other men and women like me who might be divorced from their cheaters but refuse to jump back in the relationship pool. So what you have left in the pool are all the cheaters that were divorced by the decent spouses. That is why it seems like second and subsequent marriages fail so often they are made up of cheaters in many cases that have cheated again.

 

 

Indeed, like me. I'm staying well away from the cesspool, I can smell it from here. It's a shame there isn't a decent people pool...leave the scum to their own kind. I'm not a cheater, never have been never will be.

[World's.Edge]

The reason why infidelity vexes me so is because it's not that hard to be faithful. It takes way more energy and effort to cheat, it doesn't just happen. There is often so much involved in carrying out an affair.

 

There are certain urges and compulsions that I can't resist, being unfaithful isn't one of them. There have been plenty of moments and times that I could have, but I've never cheated in a relationship, nor have I cheated with someone who was in a relationship. It's just not who I am. It's not even something that I think is commendable because it's so basic.

 

To me, it doesn't require one to 'resist'. I just don't do it. The reason why infidelity vexes me so is because it's not that hard to be faithful. It takes way more energy and effort to cheat, it doesn't just happen. There is often so much involved in carrying out an affair.

 

There are certain urges and compulsions that I can't resisit, being unfaithful isn't one of them. There have been plenty of moments and times that I could have, but I've never cheated in a relationship, nor have I cheated with someone who was in a relationship. It's just not who I am. It's not even something that I think is commendable because it's so basic.

 

To me, it doesn't require one to 'resist'. I just don't do it. Told someone once who I knew to be in a relationship who wanted to hook up with me to f*** off.

[Raven3321]

I've had tons of opportunities over the years. I haven't.

 

 

I'll tell you a story from when I was single though just to boost your faith. I was a sophomore in college and attended a bible study in my dorm. One day the most beautiful girl I had ever seen joined the bible study. When I say beautiful, I'm not kidding. Think Victoria Secret model. We all noticed her, male and female but no one really made a big deal about it.

 

 

After several months of her attending, she called me one night crying that she was having a hard time at school and this was her first time away from home; would I come by and talk with her. So I grab my bible and head over. I talk to her for about an hour and cheer her up. When I get up to leave, she thanks me and gives me a hug.......she doesn't let go. She gives me a huge kiss. I was beyond shocked. I must mention here, she was wearing a leotard and sweat bottoms. She then stood back, looked at me a second, then in one fluid motion, pulled down her leotard and sweats. If I thought she was gorgeous with her clothes on.......

She then took me by the hand, laid down on the bed, and said "Make love to me".

 

 

What happened next is a blur. All I remember was I left. Somehow.

It took everything in me to leave but I did. Everything in me wanted to go for it, but I didn't. I actually cried for awhile after I left cause I wanted her so bad. Over the years, many such "invitations" have come up though none involving taking ones clothes off.

 

 

My point is, it can be done. I guess you just have to have a reason. Fear is a good reason; fear of God, fear of hurting your wife, fear of disappointing your kids, etc. I guess it could also be love. Loving the other woman enough to leave her alone. Loving your wife enough to go past the temptation, etc. Just depends on your motive I guess.

[GorillaTheater]

I picked this avatar to specifically keep the women here at bay. They wouldn't leave me alone otherwise.

[Morro72]

Are there men here who have been offered unconditional sex when drunk & said no? Are their men who have been very attracted to a woman who shows interest in being 'friends' but avoided them because they are married? Can the men here PLEASE tell me stories of avoiding temptation? Real temptation thrown at them? Please tell me there are.....

Does "I've waited so long for this" - delivered by a woman who was drunk and in my bed - count? We had been at the same party, she was too wasted to get home safely, she spent the night at my place. I was dating my future wife - not too serious yet but I didn't want to ruin it. The woman was a good friend and I didn't want to wreck the friendship with an ONS. Messing up two good things for one night of bad sex, even as bombed as I was, just seemed really stupid.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I've never cheated on a partner & never would. Yes, I've had offers, even from friends of partners. I've never had casual sex, even though I've had offers for that. The closest I came to that was an intense makeout session with a clubbing/cuddle buddy, right after my last RS ended. I was an OM once to an ex I still had feelings for & got a hard does of Karma from that, and carry those scars for the rest of my life.

 

 

There are people who possess integrity and good ethics & morals. People like that will not betray their spouse, no matter what the temptation is, because of their code. Here's an example: have you heard of people returning money or valuable items they found, that they could have easily taken? Same thing. Maybe your job or job culture attracts or promotes immoral & unethical behavior?

[oldshirt]

In my young and single days I cheated on almost every GF I had. I was also with a good number of married women so it's not like I was any kind of goody-two-shoes or Dudley DoRight or anything.

 

But once I started dating my now-wife I knew that things would be different. We have been married a couple months shy of 20 years now and I have never cheated.

 

There have been opportunities over the years of course but none of them seemed worth the hassle.

 

I do think we get a bit jaded view of the world here on LS and I do think that the industry you work in does play a major role.

 

There are certain industries that are simply morally borderline to begin with and people that live in those lifestyles are just going to have some very permeable moral boundaries.

 

I'm sorry, I know that sounds very judgemental but it's just a fact of life.

 

I would never date or marry a bar maid, bar tender, stripper, adult model, massage parlor worker, escort, night club owner, exotic dancer, bouncer, night club singer/entertainer etc etc and expect any kind of rigid moral code of behavior from them.

 

I'm not saying they are bad people per se, but ye reap what ye sew. I think it's unrealistic for people to live in a morally ambiguous environment day in and day out, but yet maintain a code of behavior of strongly defined boundaries.

 

I also believe that people that are already very libertine and prone to promiscuity and deep down want to have lots of opportunities for multiple escapades are going to be innately drawn to those environments and those professions.

 

Bar maids and bouncers, night club owners and party girls have been hooking up since time immortal and will untill the earth grumbles back to cosmic dust.

 

Mechanics come home with grease under their nails. Firefighters come home smelling like smoke. Carpenter's come home with splinters and smashed thumbs. Doctors and nurses come home with flu bugs coughed on them. All professions and occupations place people at certain risks for things. The adult, night life industry places people chest deep in sexually charged and morally ambiguous environment that is ripe for sexual opportunity.

 

By all rights even those people have resisted more opportunities than the rest of us will ever experience, but any one person can only resist so much. Eventually everyone is going to have a moment of weakness or a moment of lack of judgement or a moment they are mad or frustrated with their spouse.

 

Anyone can resist an occasional temptation, but someone in that environment is going to be in an environment of temptation for a large percentage of their waking life. Eventually they are going to falter.

[ShatteredLady]

To be honest I moved on with my life & gave-up my career to be a stay at home Mum. We waited & had our children pretty late in life. I met other mothers in a similar situation, career women, older Mums. We were all pretty strong, educated, proffesional women in established relationships dealing with being first time parents. Pretty idilic really. Our kids were babies & toddlers. We had parties & game nights. All 'nice' couples.

I remember we were having a conversation about divorce & infidelity. Talking statistics, how we were different because we were older. NONE of us thought we would be one of those numbers! As our children got closer to kindergarten age things started to change. I don't know if it's midlife crisis. The stress of becoming parents. The first couple got divorced, then the next....affairs, betrayal. Fortunately nothing within our group but there were couples who would no longer socialize with the newly single 'friends' even if they were the innocent ones. I found it bizarre that they could just dump a friend because they were now perceived as possible threats to their marriage.

 

Me & my H are now working through our own problems from his EA. I just feel that I've lost my innocence again. I'd blamed my work industry for my earlier views. I'd become truly trusting of human nature. I created my own fantasy world full of integrity & mature, deep love. I HATE my new 'reality'!! that's why I asked for your stories. I'd never even heard of things like Ashley Madison! I want my innocence, my faith back. I NEED to believe again. I hate the way I now see the world. I've lost the beauty. I find myself crying that I brought 2 wonderful little people into this screwed-up world full of pain & cruelty. ;-(

[ShatteredLady]

By alcohol industry I mean head office, legal contracts etc. I'm talking about account managers, executives, CEOs not the adult entertainment industry but there was always a lot of alcohol & hotel stays around Europe.

I imagine it's 100x worse on the 'front lines'. My industry wasn't that different from many huge Blue Chip companies. Sad! I know.

[m.snow]

there were probably plenty of decent, honest & faithful married men, you just never noticed them. think back hard.

[understand50]

To be honest I moved on with my life & gave-up my career to be a stay at home Mum. We waited & had our children pretty late in life. I met other mothers in a similar situation, career women, older Mums. We were all pretty strong, educated, proffesional women in established relationships dealing with being first time parents. Pretty idilic really. Our kids were babies & toddlers. We had parties & game nights. All 'nice' couples.

I remember we were having a conversation about divorce & infidelity. Talking statistics, how we were different because we were older. NONE of us thought we would be one of those numbers! As our children got closer to kindergarten age things started to change. I don't know if it's midlife crisis. The stress of becoming parents. The first couple got divorced, then the next....affairs, betrayal. Fortunately nothing within our group but there were couples who would no longer socialize with the newly single 'friends' even if they were the innocent ones. I found it bizarre that they could just dump a friend because they were now perceived as possible threats to their marriage.

 

Me & my H are now working through our own problems from his EA. I just feel that I've lost my innocence again. I'd blamed my work industry for my earlier views. I'd become truly trusting of human nature. I created my own fantasy world full of integrity & mature, deep love. I HATE my new 'reality'!! that's why I asked for your stories. I'd never even heard of things like Ashley Madison! I want my innocence, my faith back. I NEED to believe again. I hate the way I now see the world. I've lost the beauty. I find myself crying that I brought 2 wonderful little people into this screwed-up world full of pain & cruelty. ;-(

 

ShatteredLady,

 

You sound much better then you were two or three weeks ago. I hope that things with your Husband are going better and that he is seeing the light.

 

There are men, and women that do manage to hold to their wedding vows. They are not on LS, so you really do not hear from them. In my wife's and my case, I have been faithful and I am reasonably sure she has as well during our marriage. I have never found it a problem to deflect sexual advances. "No, thank you" is a powerful phrase. Of course maybe the right situation has not come about, so maybe my test, or my wife's is still in fount of us. We will see.

[WomenWubber]

There was I time when I almost have sex with a girl I had never met before, while in a relationship with my former boss. Goddess... she was the hottest piece of rear I had ever laid my eyes on. It didn't help that she was being extremely flirty and bold, teasing and daring me me non-stop. Fortunately my upper head was not too far gone and I was able to pick up on some signs. I made an effort to sit down with her and try to initiate some conversation. Somewhere during it my attraction had completely cooled off. She turned out to be not as mentally developed as her hot bod suggested.

 

She could have been a minor for all I knew. It was a close call.

[mrldii]

I know quite a few faithful men in real life (I know, someone will say "as far as you know"). My ex had many issues, but cheating was not one of them. There are men who post on LS who I would bet my next paycheck have never even gotten close to the line. Sadly, the one person I gave the most faith to recently DID cheat, and it was awful. But I still think there are faithful men out there.

 

Call me a romantic.

 

 

I agree. I believe the men who've come in here and asserted they have never cheated. Like you, I've been with a few who have never cheated and yes, I, too, have been told by others "as far as you know".

 

Yup, as far as I know. I wouldn't be with a man long-term if I even suspected he could/would, so yeah...I do know it. And, they know it. I'd leave in a nanosecond if they did, as what's good for the goose IS good for the gander. If he's going to enjoy, embrace, and feel secure in my fidelity, I'm going to be able to do the same within his.

[66Charger]

If he's going to enjoy, embrace, and feel secure in my fidelity, I'm going to be able to do the same within his.

 

This is so spot on. Enjoying, embracing and feeling secure in fidelity is EXACTLY what those of both genders who are faithful feel. Not rocket science. . Not rare. Its just a real good feeling.

[flowergirl14]

To be honest I moved on with my life & gave-up my career to be a stay at home Mum. We waited & had our children pretty late in life. I met other mothers in a similar situation, career women, older Mums. We were all pretty strong, educated, proffesional women in established relationships dealing with being first time parents. Pretty idilic really. Our kids were babies & toddlers. We had parties & game nights. All 'nice' couples.

I remember we were having a conversation about divorce & infidelity. Talking statistics, how we were different because we were older. NONE of us thought we would be one of those numbers! As our children got closer to kindergarten age things started to change. I don't know if it's midlife crisis. The stress of becoming parents. The first couple got divorced, then the next....affairs, betrayal. Fortunately nothing within our group but there were couples who would no longer socialize with the newly single 'friends' even if they were the innocent ones. I found it bizarre that they could just dump a friend because they were now perceived as possible threats to their marriage.

 

Me & my H are now working through our own problems from his EA. I just feel that I've lost my innocence again. I'd blamed my work industry for my earlier views. I'd become truly trusting of human nature. I created my own fantasy world full of integrity & mature, deep love. I HATE my new 'reality'!! that's why I asked for your stories. I'd never even heard of things like Ashley Madison! I want my innocence, my faith back. I NEED to believe again. I hate the way I now see the world. I've lost the beauty. I find myself crying that I brought 2 wonderful little people into this screwed-up world full of pain & cruelty. ;-(

 

It doesnt seem to matter..rich, poor, married early or later in life, no kids, 4 kids, beautiful looking, average looking, successful, or poor.. people cheat. You see it everywhere. Or maybe because its such a focal point of our lives we notice it everywhere. Thats why the betrayed spouse should never take it personally. You know the song by Taylor Swift shake it off. The lyrics go.."Players gonna play, play, play" How about cheaters are going to cheat, cheat, cheat. On a positive note..I know people who married young and had kids young. No infedility there. I know of another couple who married in their 30's and just had kids. None there either. We have to have hope that there are people out there doing the right thing!

[carhill]

Been around a lot of MW's in life and have been married so take it FWIW.....

 

Are there men here who have been offered unconditional sex when drunk & said no?

I've never really been super drunk, like not remembering, but yeah, I've been approached by MW's when both single and married and didn't act on those approaches. However, that may be unremarkable since I've only had sexual relations in relationships or while married, hence consistent. Probably outlier.

Are their men who have been very attracted to a woman who shows interest in being 'friends' but avoided them because they are married?

Yes, routinely when I was younger and single because nearly every woman I met was married. My best female friend for many years was also in a LTR and eventually married the guy after about ten years. Did she show 'interest'? IDK. I saw her as a valuable friend who was in a committed relationship.

Can the men here PLEASE tell me stories of avoiding temptation? Real temptation thrown at them? Please tell me there are.....

 

Sure, using your parameters, I could recount a litany of examples over the 35 years or so I've been an adult and all of it really boils down to one boundary, regardless of others I've breached. I only have sexual relations while married or in a committed relationship. Hence, that's been four people and yup I remember all their names and the relationships/marriage in great detail.

 

OTOH, I did, as a young man, fall in love with a young woman who turned out to be married. Nope, didn't have sex with her because of rule mentioned prior. She was committed to someone else so unavailable that way. Other men she was with apparently had different boundaries and were more normal, in numbers indicate normality. Hence, with that iteration and others I'd experience over the decades I came to understand what the word 'outlier' means. Different. Good luck!

[Popsicle]

Interesting, because I work in the drink industry as well, and nothing of the sort goes on at my company. In fact, we are STRICTLY forbidden from drinking while working (someone ruined it, I guess), and held to a certain standard of conduct even while not working. My impression of men there is that they are are all very conservative and I have seen no signs of affairs.

 

I know that corporate culture can make a difference in people's behavior though, especially if there is peer pressure. I tend to think that if one disagrees with and is uncomfortable with the corporate culture that they will eventually leave that company.

 

As for stories, I don't have a direct one, but my xH I'm sure had many offers, but he is/was not the cheating type. It had absolutely nothing to do with me or our marriage though (we had problems), it's just something that he, as a person, would not do. He likes to follow the rules. So yes there are plenty of men who would resist temptation.

Edited August 28, 2015 by Popsicle

[ShatteredLady]

Every one of the directors was having an affair within the company. So even events where some companies would invite spouses that co. didn't. It was a culture of infidelity.

[Mrin]

OP: count me down as one who has resisted temptation numerous times. But here's the thing - I'm not going to crow about what a strong and moral man I am because that wasn't what kept me from temptation - being really honest here. What kept me from temptation was how I felt about the woman with whom I was in a relationship. If I loved them and respected them, then resisting was easy. Regardless of how hot the redheaded flight attendant was

 

BUT I can also tell you about the time I wasn't able to resist. It was many years ago in college and I loved her. I was a Big Man on Campus and had just ridiculous opportunities but I loved her and respected her so I never strayed. About 2 years into the relationship I learned that she had slept with another guy in the very early stages of our relationship. We were exclusive at the time but only about three months into it. It was a drunken mistake but one she hid from me.

 

I lost all respect for her. After that - I was insatiable. I f&$@ed anything that moved. The girl at the bar. The girl I was friends with. Her sorority sisters. You name it. It wasn't that I didn't love my GF - I just no longer respected her and that was _all_ it took. Honestly, it was pretty toxic.

 

I learned a valuable lesson - if I lose respect for a woman, I'm gone. Because I know what will happen if I stay...

[Artie Lang]

i have... a few times, in fact. believe me when i tell you- i don't look anything like my avvy.

 

i was actually hit-on by a friends GF once. needless to say i pretty much shot her a$$ down... good looking chick, too(that, i'm not gonna deny). thing is, i'm what you'd call a loyal dog- to my friend and my own GF at the time. i'm just not the cheating type. i pretty much stopped hanging around him for the duration of their relationship because i didn't feel comfortable around her. i would run into them from time to time, but it was never quite the same. they ended their relationship after 3 years. he figured it out- why i wasn't coming around -as she was a big flirt.

 

i can honestly say that i've never cheated on any of my SO. i don't take it as a badge of honor or want a pat on my back for it. it's just who i am.

 

 

i do see others(male and female) treading that fine line... sliding down that slippery slope often, though- SMDH.

Edited August 28, 2015 by Artie Lang

[I4givehim]

I would like to believe there are good men in the world. After watching a young women flirt with a married man I heard a fellow worker tell the married man "not every thing free in life is good." I stated to the married man "everything comes with a price & I think your wife and children are worth a lot more then her."

[road]

Imagine a super hot actress. She slowly worked the friendship seduction game for a year on you getting you into an EA first. Then use the EA as a hook to pull you into a PA with her.

 

 

Could most men resist?

 

 

I know most men never ever to get to chat with a woman in that league let alone get to go on a date with one.

[katielee]

it's really sad to hear how many married men get hit on, approached, promised things, by women who are perfectly ok being a OW. Really really sad.