Is my girlfriend too much about money?

[katiegrl]

When you say you will get her a better gift next year, what makes you think there will be a next year between the two of you?

 

You might not get another chance to do a better birthday gift or show her you are not cheap and immensely practical.

 

Well she gave him an ultimatum. Marry her by the end of the year or it's over.

 

 

So unless he acquiesces to her demand and marries her by year's end....you are right V, there won't be a next year!

[Jacob_Duluoz]

A marriage deadline...walk away bro. You two are not on the same wavelength. You should find someone frugal like you!

[d0nnivain]

Some say I am the cheap one, and some say she is the spoiled one. Which one is it? How do I know what the right decision is to make?

 

It's both. If you think she's a spoiled materialistic person she is in your eyes. If she thinks you are cheap, you are, in her eyes.

 

Objectively here, the only thing that matters is you two are fundamentally incompatible.

 

It may be something you can work on. When we met DH & I had vastly different attitudes about money. For example, he thought going on vacation was frivolous. But then he saw how much effort I put in to going on a great vacation for a good price. When he realized how frugal I was about the things I wanted, he became freer with money. We say all the time we live well but we do so frugally because we always shop around for the best price. The best example I can give you is that when we married we had a lavish wedding, everything was top drawer but I worked my tail off to bring that wedding in 22% under budget. Most people who attended our wedding thought we spent at least 3x more than the original budget.

 

In the end between you & your GF it's about your individual relationships with money and how you view the other's spending habits & expectations.

[katiegrl]

I have never understood ultimatums....maybe someone could explain to me?

 

 

I mean, when you truly love someone, how can you just walk away so easily?

 

 

Marry me or we're done... just like that. Ugh I don't get it.

 

 

IMO, that sounds like marrying him is more important than her love for him?

 

 

Obviously he is committed to her wholeheartedly, so why such important on marriage?

 

 

I guess I don't understand because I am not a huge proponent of marriage. Commitment, yes. Marriage, no.

 

 

Most marriages are a farce IMO. Cheating, lying, hell spouses are even killing each other (I watch too much Investigation Discovery...haha).

 

 

Oh well, I suppose if he loves her, he would want to marry her, so I suppose she has a point.

[road]

She is not a good match for you. Dump ASAP.

[No_Go]

Actually this post intrigued me - in a way that the way how you were raised affects your attitude towards spending and gifts.

 

Gift-giving & treating each other was not the norm in my family so I neither do it (whole-heartedly haha) nor expect it. My BF's parents though were really spoiling him and he was the only kid... So he finds it ok overspending. When I mentioned to him that I think we're spending too much on eating out he agreed! But it seems like he either didn't notice before or thought that's the "norm". I guess in reversed-gender roles OP and his GF has similar cause for their attitudes towards spending...

 

And btw, I'd be turned off if a guy overspends on me. I can relate with this to OP. Somebody buying me lavish presents I just translate subconsciously as burning away mortgage money Plus I'd feel obliged to reciprocate (unwillingly). So I do not find it attractive at all.

 

 

Look I am sorry, you sound like a really nice person but you definitely sounds way too tight with money for me. I would never date a man who got me soap for my birthday...

 

Soap on a birthday isn't acceptable for most woman.

 

I also don't think a man has to lavish a woman with thousand dollars necklaces for every Christmas birthday or holiday, either.

 

Look. She is not in the wrong for having a love language that is different to yours. I am like your girl. I am only into men who actually ENJOY and WANT to be the ones to date me out on romantic dates at restaurants once in a while. I need a man who will come to my family events and pay for me rather than embarrassing me in front of my entire family by asking for my half.

 

However! -

If my guy was short of cash, I also totally wouldn't hood it against him if he couldn't afford it.... I would tell him not to worry at all and I would totally about him! I also shout my men meals too! I need a generous man with his money but I in turn, need a partner who I can also enjoy being generous with.

 

I dated a man like you for nearly one year. I dumped him because like you girlfriend, I really value gifts and being a bit pampered and spoilt now and again! I am an only child and my parents are SUPER generous and, in turn, I am INNATELY super generous and cannot change this charateristic.... So it makes sense that it would never work with a man like you, because we would both feel uncomfortable when I bought you lavish gifts and you bought me a bunch of flowers or soap for my birthdays.....

 

And my ex was app about saving for his house...He didn't want to go all out and spoil me for Christmas. He'd get me a perfume while my friends would be totally spoilt rotten with at least a necklace... And no, my friends more generous partners didn't fall short in other areas...they also adored and treated their partners like gold- AND they spoilt them rotten and never EVER dared expected their partners to go halves.

 

Some men want to save for mortgages and houses and sensible stuff at the cost of getting their partners very simple and inexpensive gifts and wanting them to go halves for some things. Other men, MY types of men, are more generous with their money in addition and still put SOME money aside for housed and the important stuff.

[GravityMan]

I agree with those who stated that you two are incompatible. It is difficult for a relationship to remain healthy past the "honeymoon phase" if the two people aren't on a compatible wavelength with money. I really don't like the bit about the movies and her getting your friend to pay...that's just wrong, and yes I think that she did it as a subtle jab at you. Very immature.

 

And a "marriage deadline"? Major red flag.

 

That said, you need to grow some balls, OP. I doubt your girlfriend respects you...people generally don't respect folks (men especially) that allow others to walk over him. Please nut up, and go have a serious heart-to-heart talk with your GF about your money and other relationship concerns.

 

I think this relationship is on thin ice. She has maturity and entitlement issues. You have social awareness issues and you are too soft.

 

As for family and friend special occasions...as a guest I don't think I've ever had to pay a fee. I just brought an appropriately themed gift. And in cases where I helped host the event...we didn't request any invited guests to pay a fee. For instance, my sister, brother and I covered the cost for our parents 50th anniversary last year. Venue, food, music, etc. The 30 or so guests just brought nice gifts.

[edgygirl]

Totally agree. Cheap men turn me off. If a guy is serious about me, it's not about the money per se, but about knowing he can and will be there for me/us in case of need and that he is a generous person. People in my family ie support each other, there's always someone who makes more money but people don't "count" the dimes.

 

Specially for those who want to become mothers., if you see the guy can't even pay for a meal out, how exactly will he be able to afford a family (being that she doesn't make a lot of money anyway)?

 

As for gifts, it depends on someone's love language - I for one couldn't care less about receiving gifts.

 

It's clear he's in a much better financial situation than she is. He's buying a house, while she's living from paycheck for paycheck. Still he's being cheap with her. I'd never want a husband who I feel can afford things but won't... not really because he wants to save for both of them for the future or so... but because he's a cheapo.

 

I think your gf is a bit whiny but I don't think her expectations are way off.

 

I agree and think you both seem to have an issue with money.. she in her expectations and you seem a bit cheap...

 

You are thinking of being engaged to be married and possibly have children so the whole she needs to pay more for herself needs to go, she should be your partner and not your roommate

 

You need to discuss this with her and air it out, when you get married are you going to make her pay her half for dinners ?

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Let's take a step back though.

 

It was said on here before that I was being cheap for taking her on a trip for her birthday and then wanting to go hang out with a friend for a few hours. Just to be clear, I did ask her before to come along. She was perfectly welcome and I suggested we both go. It was only after she said she didn't want to, and wanted to do her own thing, that I politely asked if I could go for a few hours myself.

 

Now if she had politely said she wanted me to come visit with her friends, then I would have said sure, and went along. But instead of her politely explaining it to me, she snapped and yelled at me over it.

 

Was it reasonable of her to do that in that situation? Cause sometimes I think she has a tendency to overreact. When I told her that her family functions were becoming too much and there were becoming too many of them that I did not want to pay for her every time, she lost it on me literally.

 

This is why I was cheap on her birthday and wanted to give her something else instead. But I shouldn't have developed that attitude from that. I should have given her something else and I will make it up to her.

 

What about how I agreed to make her dinner for our anniversary and offered to clean for her and everything for the night? She suggested it to me as an anniversary gift, so when I told her I was going to do it, on the night of the anniversary, she then said she wanted to be taken out to a restaurant. But since I had already planned making her dinner I politely told her I was going to do that for her, and she was pissed off at me for several weeks after.

 

I told her that she suggested the idea to me originally, and she said that she was just spitballing and I was suppose to read between the lines and do something better like take her out.

 

I just feel that if there is a misunderstanding or if I step out of line and am too cheap or frugal, then she should politely correct me, instead of literally snapping and being pissed off for days on end after each time.

 

It's not so much that I object to spend money on her, it is is just her reactions. What do you think? Is it my fault and if I would treat my girlfriend properly, then I wouldn't have this problem?

[katiegrl]

Okay thanks. Let's take a step back though.

 

It was said on here before that I was being cheap for taking her on a trip for her birthday and then wanting to go hang out with a friend for a few hours. Just to be clear, I did ask her before to come along. She was perfectly welcome and I suggested we both go. It was only after she said she didn't want to, and wanted to do her own thing, that I politely asked if I could go for a few hours myself.

 

Now if she had politely said she wanted me to come visit with her friends, then I would have said sure, and went along. But instead of her politely explaining it to me, she snapped and yelled at me over it.

 

Was it reasonable of her to do that in that situation? Cause sometimes I think she has a tendency to overreact. When I told her that her family functions were becoming too much and there were becoming too many of them that I did not want to pay for her every time, she lost it on me literally.

 

This is why I was cheap on her birthday and wanted to give her something else instead. But I shouldn't have developed that attitude from that. I should have given her something else and I will make it up to her.

 

What about how I agreed to make her dinner for our anniversary and offered to clean for her and everything for the night? She suggested it to me as an anniversary gift, so when I told her I was going to do it, on the night of the anniversary, she then said she wanted to be taken out to a restaurant. But since I had already planned making her dinner I politely told her I was going to do that for her, and she was pissed off at me for several weeks after.

 

I told her that she suggested the idea to me originally, and she said that she was just spitballing and I was suppose to read between the lines and do something better like take her out.

 

I just feel that if there is a misunderstanding or if I step out of line and am too cheap or frugal, then she should politely correct me, instead of literally snapping and being pissed off for days on end after each time.

 

It's not so much that I object to spend money on her, it is is just her reactions. What do you think? Is it my fault and if I would treat my girlfriend properly, then I wouldn't have this problem?

 

 

And you are actually considering spending your entire life with this woman?

 

 

I can't think of two people who are LESS compatible than the two of you...

 

 

Why are you hanging on to this?

[Versacehottie]

Hmmm based on the examples you just gave yes I think those are overreactions on her part. However, you understand why they are really happening, right? Built up resentment and incompatibility. You even retaliated from your previous resentment on HER BIRTHDAY GIFT. If you don't think this stuff is going to carry over to a marriage, you are naive.

 

There is something like a father-child relationship with your regard to her and money. (like digging your heels in about her birthday when she wanted to go out and you insist on cooking in. it's her birthday, just because you're paying doesn't mean you get to dictate everything--well actually you do, but I surprised you would insist on it considering it's her birthday--see how things spiral downhill fast). I'm not saying she is right at all. I'm just saying it's unlikely to work in the long term unless you work really hard on it now and even then it's risky. You sound like you are on the cheap/frugal side and she sounds entitled. Bad combination for resentment to build up.

[d0nnivain]

In isolation, not taking her out for the anniversary was cheap as was the soap made by your mom.

 

 

In the context of her expecting you to pay for both of you to go to her family events, your desire to find somewhere to stop hemorrhaging money is understandable.

[joseb]

Specially for those who want to become mothers., if you see the guy can't even pay for a meal out, how exactly will he be able to afford a family (being that she doesn't make a lot of money anyway)?

 

 

mmmm - but how good of a mother is she going to be if she has no control on finances and wastes all her money on unwanted gifts though?

Once kids are in the picture, going out will become a rare event, and ability to budget is more important.

 

 

Anyway, I really think OP that your relationship is untenable.

You two are just on very different pages with regard to finance, and it is having a lot of know on effects and causing arguments and resentments.

 

If you think it is bad now, wait until the wedding, and wait until you are married.

 

This whole "marry me by xxx" screams red flag too.

 

Really take a hard look at this and see why you are even staying in the relationship.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. If she wanted to be taken out for the anniversary though, is it really her place to suggest something else a week before, and then having me go with that as a good option?

 

If I change and take her out to places more instead of staying in and doing things like cooking for her, will that help the situation at all? If I am cheap I am willing to change for her, perhaps that will help.

 

Also, she keeps borrowing money from her ex because she said I won't help her out when she is in financial need at all. I mean I give her a few bucks here or there, but do I have to do it a lot, especially when it was HER choice to sign the contract that her ex gets all her money from business and now she is living paycheck to paycheck? Or am I being unappreciative for having a good gf and I should help her out more with money?

 

We went to the movies recently and she payed for herself. I payed for my ticket, she payed for hers and I didn't say anything. Afterwards I took her out for ice cream. But she told me that I do not know how to treat a girl because it was a date and I should have payed for both.

 

She is also broke right now because she spent &195 on getting her hair highlighted. I do not know if it normally costs that much since I have never done that myself. She says she cannot go out for drinks or anything on our next time because she is broke. However she would like me to do something romantic she said. I don't want to misread her and do something too cheap, so does this imply anything specific, when she says that?

Edited August 31, 2015 by ironpony

[joseb]

OP you have given us enough example of why you two are incompatible.

 

Can you tell me why you want to stay with her?

[road]

Ironpony likes going in circles.

 

 

Even if these labels are not true but an exaggeration, she is a spendthrift and you are a tightwad. So cheap that when you hold a nickel you squeeze the manure out of the buffalo. And, there has never been and will never be a nickel that she will ever be able to hold on to.

 

 

Did you get the point now? When it comes to finances the both of you are polar opposites.

 

 

I hope that you wake up and realize that there will never be a financial middle ground for you two. She had too many issues. Dump her find a compatible woman.

[ironpony]

Well relationships are about working out problems and sacrifice, or so I thought so. So if I am the cheap one, and I have caused this, then I would like to work it out, and be the better man.

[WomenWubber]

Well relationships are about working out problems and sacrifice, or so I thought so. So if I am the cheap one, and I have caused this, then I would like to work it out, and be the better man.

 

Just add a zero to the end of your checks and be done with it then.

[Walters]

Just add a zero to the end of your checks and be done with it then.

 

Then she will want another 0 after that 0.

 

-----

 

The only thing that makes you look cheap in this thread to me is the soap issue.

 

Not wanting to go out 3 times a week because you cant afford it is one thing.

Not wanting to go out 3 times a week because you just want more zero's in you checking account is another.

 

If she wants to spend you into debt and argue's about it, she is an issue. if you just want to stack zero's at the expense of your relationship, you are the issue.

 

Find the middle here.

 

Spending outside your means is just as bad being cheap. I'd personally argue that overspending is worse because those are the people that buy crap they cant afford and it creates economic disaster.

[ironpony]

Well I guess I do not know how to proceed because I feel that some of the advice has been paradoxical and contradictory. I have been the one who made myself look cheap and it's my fault. So as long as I be a better boyfriend and am not, there is a fair chance, that it will improve the relationship, and she should see no more cheapness in me, perhaps, right?

[Leigh 87]

Okay thanks. Let's take a step back though.

 

It was said on here before that I was being cheap for taking her on a trip for her birthday and then wanting to go hang out with a friend for a few hours. Just to be clear, I did ask her before to come along. She was perfectly welcome and I suggested we both go. It was only after she said she didn't want to, and wanted to do her own thing, that I politely asked if I could go for a few hours myself.

 

Now if she had politely said she wanted me to come visit with her friends, then I would have said sure, and went along. But instead of her politely explaining it to me, she snapped and yelled at me over it.

 

Was it reasonable of her to do that in that situation? Cause sometimes I think she has a tendency to overreact. When I told her that her family functions were becoming too much and there were becoming too many of them that I did not want to pay for her every time, she lost it on me literally.

 

This is why I was cheap on her birthday and wanted to give her something else instead. But I shouldn't have developed that attitude from that. I should have given her something else and I will make it up to her.

 

What about how I agreed to make her dinner for our anniversary and offered to clean for her and everything for the night? She suggested it to me as an anniversary gift, so when I told her I was going to do it, on the night of the anniversary, she then said she wanted to be taken out to a restaurant. But since I had already planned making her dinner I politely told her I was going to do that for her, and she was pissed off at me for several weeks after.

 

I told her that she suggested the idea to me originally, and she said that she was just spitballing and I was suppose to read between the lines and do something better like take her out.

 

I just feel that if there is a misunderstanding or if I step out of line and am too cheap or frugal, then she should politely correct me, instead of literally snapping and being pissed off for days on end after each time.

 

It's not so much that I object to spend money on her, it is is just her reactions. What do you think? Is it my fault and if I would treat my girlfriend properly, then I wouldn't have this problem?

 

 

Can you rewlly not afford to take your girlfriend of over a year out for dinner for her anniversary?

 

My ex couldn't. Because he diverted EVERY PENNY towards his mortgage.

 

I would rather a man take longer to buy a house so that he can afford to at least take me put for damned dinner on anniversaries?!!!

 

And I wouldn't expect him to take me out weekly for dinner. I am not too materialistic at all.

 

For anniversaries and birthdays I expect dinner out. Plain and simple.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. At the time I had spent too much money on her functions and needed to lay off for a bit So I thought that cooking her a home meal and then cleaning up after would be nice. I asked my women friends for the opinions and they said that that's better than going out to dinner cause it's more effort for the guy. So at the time I thought it was a good idea based on them telling me.

 

But our anniversary is coming up and I will take her out to dinner.

[kilgore]

Can you rewlly not afford to take your girlfriend of over a year out for dinner for her anniversary?

 

My ex couldn't. Because he diverted EVERY PENNY towards his mortgage.

 

I would rather a man take longer to buy a house so that he can afford to at least take me put for damned dinner on anniversaries?!!!

 

And I wouldn't expect him to take me out weekly for dinner. I am not too materialistic at all.

 

For anniversaries and birthdays I expect dinner out. Plain and simple.

 

Yeah special occasions are important - you need to make the person feel special

[ironpony]

Okay I will. Will this help then, and there is no need to jump straight to breaking up?

[Leigh 87]

You honestly sound like a really nice guy.

 

Here you are, spending hours writing long messages about how you can improve for your girlfriend.

 

However let me tell you a story about a man who sounds just like you with his money. He was a nice guy and he was loyal, faithful and adored me. But I promise you financial issues are legitimately make or break. And not because he was a bad person ; I am just not a woman who could happily sit back and watch my girlfriends get spoilt rotten and taken out regularly for romantic dinners when I get nothing more than a small birthday and Christmas guy from a man who would prefer to cook my birthday dinners at home rather than fork out the cash to go out........... Call me materialistic. I can take it. I call it knowing who I am and what drives me in a relationship. I don't feel I should accept less than what I know will male me the most content. I am willing to compromise in weight, looks and other aspects. Gifting and being pampered and spoilt rotten on my birthdays and Christmas and valentine days aint one area I am willing to compromise on.

 

My ex tried to change his frugal ways for me. He really tried. He was EXACTLY like you. He would offer to cook for me..... But when we went to buy the ingredients, and I would throw a few extra items in the shopping basket ( probably 20 dollars worth tops) my ex would say " hey, I agreed to cook for you, why should I have to pay for your extra shopping?" and no, I didn't regularly expect him to pay for my shopping. I just happened to throw a few pieces of fruit and a drink or two in on this ONE occasion...... And he wouldn't even pay for it.

 

He was enamoured with me though. He fell in love for me fast. He was head over heels. So, he told me he changed his ways for me. He didn't want to have to pay for weekly dinners that he'd cook at home for me ; he naturally felt inclined to go halves. Unfortunately for him, I explained to him that he was a bloody tight ass and I wasn't keen to continue with him. So he changed for me.

 

He paid for dinners that he cooked at home for me weekly. He didn't want to but he did it for me because he was willing to compromise in order to keep me. He wanted to go halves but paid full for me.

 

When we went out with friends I'd have to buy some of my own drinks; my friends would have their boyfriends foot the entire bill for all their drinks and dinners. It was so embarrassing that my girlfriends got pampered and spoilt by their partners and I go sweet fck all.

 

He tried to change but I wanted a man who NATURALLY wanted to spoil and pamper me.

 

I ended it and he was left heart broken. Now days, I don't date men who ask for their half in dates or don't enjoy spoiling their girl once in a while. I am so much happier single than I was in a relationship with a man who may have adored me, but was tight with his money.

 

And my ex also said he is happier without a materialistic girl. Good-for-him lol! I don't agree that expecting to be taken out for dinner one a fortnight and expecting a decent present for special occasions, constitutes as " materialistic " but kudos to my ex for wanting a more low key girl who doesn't need dinners out and who is happy to pay her half for meals in front if her friends ( who are all getting treated to their dinners by their generous partners!)