Author LG13 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 And in this case will your wife be your fallback plan? No but it would affect the timing of our separation, I think. In the Mid/Long term I know my M is over and I'm not doing my W any favours by staying... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 No but it would affect the timing of our separation, I think. In the Mid/Long term I know my M is over and I'm not doing my W any favours by staying... Why would it affect the timing? What would be the reason to stay longer? The children? Whether you get divorced now or later, good chance the kids will still be pretty upset. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 In his original post he asked should I do a or b, I responded a. Calling him a donkey????? Lol it was the 10 letter bit that confused me. remember I am not up on all the A lingo Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 No but it would affect the timing of our separation, I think. In the Mid/Long term I know my M is over and I'm not doing my W any favours by staying... I think it is best to inform your wife that you feel the M is over and start proceeding with D as soon as you can. It's good to see a MM who knows this and is able to leave (I hope in your case you are not the waffling kind). It's best to let your wife go and you move on with your life and what makes you happy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LG13 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 I think it is best to inform your wife that you feel the M is over and start proceeding with D as soon as you can. It's good to see a MM who knows this and is able to leave (I hope in your case you are not the waffling kind). It's best to let your wife go and you move on with your life and what makes you happy. I hope I'm not the waffling kind aswell ... At this stage I feel like I dont know myself anymore. I know what has to be done but there are so many angles...I want to make sure I do it in the best possible way for all concerned...a lot more therapy/advice I think before any major moves Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I hope I'm not the waffling kind aswell ... At this stage I feel like I dont know myself anymore. I know what has to be done but there are so many angles...I want to make sure I do it in the best possible way for all concerned...a lot more therapy/advice I think before any major moves Definitely get thee into therapy! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Curdie Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 All I can say to this is that the feelings I have, developed over a long period of time (years). Sex is not the most important part of our relationship. It is more about connection on an emotional level...we have very similar values and even before the A started when we were doing things as couples me and AP always seemed to be in agreement. It got to the point where the best part of my day/week was when we were in each others company...long before anything physical happened. That doesn't make it any better. In fact, it makes it worse. You showed poor boundaries for years and allowed yourself to nurse feelings for your in-law. A healthy, mature, well adjusted adult would stop to consider whether the attachment were healthy or not and act accordingly. Did you ever stop to think about how it would harm your family? How the double betrayal would make things all the worse? Heck, the thought of becoming the punchline for some sort of family tree joke would be enough for most adults to hit the brakes. And you're still idealizing her as some sort of perfect partner. Again, not healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 That doesn't make it any better. In fact, it makes it worse. You showed poor boundaries for years and allowed yourself to nurse feelings for your in-law. A healthy, mature, well adjusted adult would stop to consider whether the attachment were healthy or not and act accordingly. Did you ever stop to think about how it would harm your family? How the double betrayal would make things all the worse? Heck, the thought of becoming the punchline for some sort of family tree joke would be enough for most adults to hit the brakes. And you're still idealizing her as some sort of perfect partner. Again, not healthy. ^^^^^^^^ this ^^^^^^ Family reunions will be ruined from now on for the kids and the BS. The OP and the AP needs to work on setting healthier boundaries and learning that you don't act on attractions and cross family ties. SMH:rolleyes: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 it was the 10 letter bit that confused me. remember I am not up on all the A lingo "Ten characters" is the minimum amount of letters/numbers/"characters" one can use per post. People often use the phrase "ten characters" on this board if their response is later deleted or if their response is not long enough to meet the minimum number of characters. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 "Ten characters" is the minimum amount of letters/numbers/"characters" one can use per post. People often use the phrase "ten characters" on this board if their response is later deleted or if their response is not long enough to meet the minimum number of characters. Thank you Mrs Faust explained it to me as I am still pretty green Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I didn't figure it out for a long time! Lol I hope you are feeling better today, New Leaf. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Your wife has already wasted a lot of her life on you. Every single day that this goes on is another lost day from her life. Every phone call to your cousin-in-law is another kick to your wife. She is going to be in agony. Pull the band aid off already! Tell her the truth. The WHOLE truth. Trickle truth is the cruelest thing you can do to someone. If you have any feelings, any respect left for your wife, the woman who carried your children, be kind! Be a grown-up. Set her free to mourn & get on with her life. At this very moment she is making plans for her family. It's all lies! You got your girlfriend pregnant. You did the 'right' thing. You never loved her. Even when you put your hand on her stomach & felt your child move for the first time, even when you said your marriage vows & looked into her eyes you did not feel love. This is what you're saying. In this context why are you stealing her life from her? If you'd left a couple of years ago she would probably be with a man who loves & cherishes her by now! What you've done is ugly. It's going to be messy. You didn't hesitate, even with advise NOT to contact your OW. You were straight on the phone for over an hour talking love. Is your wife wondering why the 4 of you aren't hanging out anymore? What if she looks at the phone bill? What if her cousin does? The 2 of you are so loved-up I bet there's a day-glow trail of your adultery! It's just a matter of time before things are discovered. Don't wait for it to happen. You or the OW will be caught off guard & start the lies if they find evidence. That's the worst possible outcome. Let everyone start a new honest life. Please, PLEASE don't move straight in with the cousin. That will be so cruel & confusing for the kids in so many ways. Auntie CAN'T become step mother overnight!! You can't go straight to fathering 4 children between the age of 4 & 15 immediately!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LG13 Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 Your wife has already wasted a lot of her life on you. Every single day that this goes on is another lost day from her life. Every phone call to your cousin-in-law is another kick to your wife. She is going to be in agony. Pull the band aid off already! Tell her the truth. The WHOLE truth. Trickle truth is the cruelest thing you can do to someone. If you have any feelings, any respect left for your wife, the woman who carried your children, be kind! Be a grown-up. Set her free to mourn & get on with her life. At this very moment she is making plans for her family. It's all lies! You got your girlfriend pregnant. You did the 'right' thing. You never loved her. Even when you put your hand on her stomach & felt your child move for the first time, even when you said your marriage vows & looked into her eyes you did not feel love. This is what you're saying. In this context why are you stealing her life from her? If you'd left a couple of years ago she would probably be with a man who loves & cherishes her by now! What you've done is ugly. It's going to be messy. You didn't hesitate, even with advise NOT to contact your OW. You were straight on the phone for over an hour talking love. Is your wife wondering why the 4 of you aren't hanging out anymore? What if she looks at the phone bill? What if her cousin does? The 2 of you are so loved-up I bet there's a day-glow trail of your adultery! It's just a matter of time before things are discovered. Don't wait for it to happen. You or the OW will be caught off guard & start the lies if they find evidence. That's the worst possible outcome. Let everyone start a new honest life. Please, PLEASE don't move straight in with the cousin. That will be so cruel & confusing for the kids in so many ways. Auntie CAN'T become step mother overnight!! You can't go straight to fathering 4 children between the age of 4 & 15 immediately!! We wont be doing anything rash..we will plan what we do next ...I'll be talking to therapist too and asking how to handle things best for kids 1 Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 We wont be doing anything rash..we will plan what we do next ...I'll be talking to therapist too and asking how to handle things best for kids I think you and your AP should confess and give your spouses the facts. Picture your life in 5 years without the AP involved. Can you see yourself happy? This is important: Don't tear your family to shreds if you wouldn't do it if the AP wasn't involved. Get your kids in to counseling now. Is your family close to your wife's cousins family? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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