Lovemesomehim Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I take back my first response. You knew you loved this other woman from the beginning and chose to have a relationship with her while still holding on to your wife. You wanted to be sure this other person was worth losing your family over. Now that it's too painful to live without your ap, you're making it painful for your wife, her husband and all the children. I call that being selfish. Why didn't you leave for you and not when you found someone to fulfill you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Yeah, confession is the best way to go, IMO. I mean, both of you will look like a pieces of s#!t considering the circumstances... and if the divorce does proceed there is a good chance that her husband and your wife will go nuclear and fight tooth and nail over finances, kids, and housing... not including the piddly things like insurance, school districts, therapy for the kids transition, etc. But at least they will know, and it will make it "easier" for you all to be together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LG13 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 I take back my first response. You knew you loved this other woman from the beginning and chose to have a relationship with her while still holding on to your wife. You wanted to be sure this other person was worth losing your family over. Now that it's too painful to live without your ap, you're making it painful for your wife, her husband and all the children. I call that being selfish. Why didn't you leave for you and not when you found someone to fulfill you? I agree with a lot of this.. To be honest.. I had settled into my life and was content before meeting my AP..got enjoyment from TV, books etc..didnt think I was missing anything.. Then came my AP into my life and all I knew was that I was at my happiest when in each others company..I never thought anything would happen.. Now that something has happened, I feel something I never did before (Love!) We have so much to go through and the reason I had tried to finish it was because I thought I was being selfish...my therapist did tell me staying with my wife while not loving her is not doing her any favours so I think I would leave anyway but could have held out a few more years for kids sake.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Are you aware of the statistics related to second marriages? (they are even worse when children are involved.) Oh give me a break. Regardless of his affair, If the man wants to divorce, let him. People have the right to divorce in this country if they are unhappy, and people (usually married people) shouldn't always be in their ear telling them that their going to fail in life after that. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Well, when all is said and done, when your finances are split, your spouses' worlds are shattered, and your kids are left confused as to why this happened, and least you will be able to say you have no regrets. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I agree with a lot of this.. To be honest.. I had settled into my life and was content before meeting my AP..got enjoyment from TV, books etc..didnt think I was missing anything.. Then came my AP into my life and all I knew was that I was at my happiest when in each others company..I never thought anything would happen.. Now that something has happened, I feel something I never did before (Love!) We have so much to go through and the reason I had tried to finish it was because I thought I was being selfish...my therapist did tell me staying with my wife while not loving her is not doing her any favours so I think I would leave anyway but could have held out a few more years for kids sake.... I'm pretty sure my xMM felt this way too. He was not looking for an A when he met me and I think he was content enough With how things were. I could tell this and I felt guilty for stirring something up in him that was settled before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I haven't read through all of the replies but does your wife know you're unhappy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LG13 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Well, when all is said and done, when your finances are split, your spouses' worlds are shattered, and your kids are left confused as to why this happened, and least you will be able to say you have no regrets. When I said I dont have regrets, I mean falling in love with my AP and sharing my soul with her and allowing her to do the same with me..I do regret that this is going to hurt innocent people...I dont care about the finances I am fairly comfortable with a good job and will be very fair with wife and give her want she wants..I do deeply care about the kids and plan to discuss this with my therapist on how best to proceed...this will be a slow process I think.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Well, when all is said and done, when your finances are split, your spouses' worlds are shattered, and your kids are left confused as to why this happened, and least you will be able to say you have no regrets. When I divorced, sure there was quite a bit of change, but our worlds didn't shatter and my kids were fine. Still are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 When I divorced, sure there was quite a bit of change, but our worlds didn't shatter and my kids were fine. Still are. Sorry, I didn't realize all divorces were based on your experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Sorry, I didn't realize all divorces were based on your experience. Well, they're not all horrible either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LG13 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 I haven't read through all of the replies but does your wife know you're unhappy? She senses that I dont love her and has said that she doesnt want me to feel that I have to stay with her but that she loves me very much and does not know how she would live without me...she is a better person than me and I care about her a lot, she is a great mother but we meet when we were very young and a lot of our veiws on life and values are not aligned. To answer your question, she know I am not happy but is hoping that I might change back to the way I was before ..content..she does not know about affair but I think deep down she has sensed a big change in me since it began..from being content and steady to ....very happy..to ..very sad..etc.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Well, they're not all horrible either. No, they are not. But in this situation: The kids and wife don't have an idea of the OP being unhappy. So as far as they are concerned their lives are peachy keen. It's an affair AND the affair is with his wife's family member's spouse. They may not be now, but they were, at one time, friends. Yeah, this will go over real well. For the record, I am pro divorce, especially if you have no hopes of regaining love for you spouse. But the cupcake on the side needs to be out of the picture until everything is settled out. Even Men's Divorce forums will say get rid of the other woman. It's distracting and complicates things. This guy is getting divorced for all the wrong reasons, but whatevs, it's his life to muddle through. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
amomwhoknows Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) Oh give me a break. Regardless of his affair, If the man wants to divorce, let him. People have the right to divorce in this country if they are unhappy, and people (usually married people) shouldn't always be in their ear telling them that their going to fail in life after that. He should absolutely divorce. He should not move in immediately with the OW. His kids deserve some amount of stability. His "happiness" doesn't outweigh his kids and bringing another woman into their lives (when likely the relationship won't be successful) is selfish. Jumping from one bed to another usually doesn't work out well. Certainly, he should stay married, but he needs to work on himself first. And the OW does too. I also want to add to the Original Poster (don't know how to multi-quote, I think you are living in a fantasical view of what divorce means -- you want to buy a house? Do you have any sense of what your financial obligations will be to your current wife and children. Child support and spousal support -- do you have a child about to go to college? What are your plans for tuition? Do you plan for your wife and kids to be able to remain in their current home? Expect her to buy you out? What if this relationship with the OW doesn't work out (cause it likely won't)? Can you envision a life by yourself? The latter is where you need to start. Edited August 26, 2015 by amomwhoknows Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I would leave, but be aware that once this is no longer a fantasy situation and you are in an actual relationship with this person, your feelings (or hers) could change. The fantasy part of an affair plays a huge role in the intensity of feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I know what I have done is terrible and feel bad about it but dont regret having the affair as it is the only time I ever experiencedlove like this Because of this, divorce your wife. She deserves to have a husband who feels this way towards her, a husband who loves and adores her passionately. You're not doing your kids any favours by staying married. You two can be great co parents, have shared custody and be happy all around, instead of living under one roof and faking a marriage that should end in divorce. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Curdie Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 This is just too sad. Sad for your BS, sad for your kids, but most of all sad for you. Is this really what you think love is? Lying and cheating, betraying your families on multiple levels, hurting all parties involved? Love means wanting what's best for the other person. How is this good for anyone involved? And you do realize that all of these feelings you're having are temporary, right? It's all a chemical reaction in your brain. The new sexual partner and the illicit nature of the affair are working together to release crazy amounts of feel good chemicals, but that will end with the monotony of living together in a publicly acknowledged long term relationship. The butterflies and the adrenaline will be gone and you'll be left with a relationship not all that different from your current marriage, with easy familiarity and affection that comes with the family status. (If you manage to overcome the rotten foundation that your A has laid for the new relationship, that is.) The only way to obtain that high again will be with yet another new partner. And then that partner will become old hat and you'll need someone new. Again. You've thrown your dignity and integrity away for a temporary high. And worse yet, you've thrown your family away. I can't imagine what the reaction will be when it's discovered that you slept with your cousin-in-law. Your kids will discover the truth one day and they may be ashamed to admit that you're their father. Heaven knows I'd be embarrassed to associate myself with a family background like that. I would stay out of any relationship for the time being. You clearly need more IC before you'll be capable of a healthy relationship. Your romanticized take on your current situation is one giant red flag. You aren't star crossed lovers and she isn't your one true love. This isn't some horribly written Nicholas Sparks book or a Disney movie. You're just two people who made the decision to sleep with a cousin-in-law. And that, in and of itself, is pretty dysfunctional. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 A Ten characters Wow, super helpful and support. Pretty sure that goes against the forum guidelines. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 A Ten characters Ms Faust, is this you calling OP a donkey? Or is this something else? Please clarify, I hope it isn't the former Link to post Share on other sites
Author LG13 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 This is just too sad. Sad for your BS, sad for your kids, but most of all sad for you. Is this really what you think love is? Lying and cheating, betraying your families on multiple levels, hurting all parties involved? Love means wanting what's best for the other person. How is this good for anyone involved? And you do realize that all of these feelings you're having are temporary, right? It's all a chemical reaction in your brain. The new sexual partner and the illicit nature of the affair are working together to release crazy amounts of feel good chemicals, but that will end with the monotony of living together in a publicly acknowledged long term relationship. The butterflies and the adrenaline will be gone and you'll be left with a relationship not all that different from your current marriage, with easy familiarity and affection that comes with the family status. (If you manage to overcome the rotten foundation that your A has laid for the new relationship, that is.) The only way to obtain that high again will be with yet another new partner. And then that partner will become old hat and you'll need someone new. Again. You've thrown your dignity and integrity away for a temporary high. And worse yet, you've thrown your family away. I can't imagine what the reaction will be when it's discovered that you slept with your cousin-in-law. Your kids will discover the truth one day and they may be ashamed to admit that you're their father. Heaven knows I'd be embarrassed to associate myself with a family background like that. I would stay out of any relationship for the time being. You clearly need more IC before you'll be capable of a healthy relationship. Your romanticized take on your current situation is one giant red flag. You aren't star crossed lovers and she isn't your one true love. This isn't some horribly written Nicholas Sparks book or a Disney movie. You're just two people who made the decision to sleep with a cousin-in-law. And that, in and of itself, is pretty dysfunctional. All I can say to this is that the feelings I have, developed over a long period of time (years). Sex is not the most important part of our relationship. It is more about connection on an emotional level...we have very similar values and even before the A started when we were doing things as couples me and AP always seemed to be in agreement. It got to the point where the best part of my day/week was when we were in each others company...long before anything physical happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LG13 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Because of this, divorce your wife. She deserves to have a husband who feels this way towards her, a husband who loves and adores her passionately. You're not doing your kids any favours by staying married. You two can be great co parents, have shared custody and be happy all around, instead of living under one roof and faking a marriage that should end in divorce. I agree with a lot of this but on the other hand it suits me to agree with it and then I think maybe I'm fooling myself so I can do what I know is selfish.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 All I can say to this is that the feelings I have, developed over a long period of time (years). Sex is not the most important part of our relationship. It is more about connection on an emotional level...we have very similar values and even before the A started when we were doing things as couples me and AP always seemed to be in agreement. It got to the point where the best part of my day/week was when we were in each others company...long before anything physical happened. Did you share this with your wife or did you pretend to enjoy being married to her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Ms Faust, is this you calling OP a donkey? Or is this something else? Please clarify, I hope it isn't the former In his original post he asked should I do a or b, I responded a. Calling him a donkey????? Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Wow, super helpful and support. Pretty sure that goes against the forum guidelines. Then report it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 thanks Privategal, I am very tempted to contact AP and tell her how I feel but not sure if that would be fair if I have not fully decided what I want to do...on the other hand she may say that she is now not willing to leave her life in which case I can stop thinking about all the "what ifs" and it would make things simplier. On the other hand she may say she is willing and then I would feel the ball is totally in my court and I would have to make the decision....but by doing nothing time is just moving on but I am not! And in this case will your wife be your fallback plan? Link to post Share on other sites
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