I'm on the verge of losing it

[RebelWithoutACause]

OP, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you need a reality check.

i don't even know why he ended things in the first place.

 

He ended things because he doesn't really like you and does not want to date you.

 

Why would he even bother to wonder about seeing me again?

 

He doesn't want to see you. If he did he would have asked to see you.

He only msged you to see if he'd get a reaction from you, to get an ego boost, out of boredom.. Whatever the reason, it was not because he "cares" for you.

I was gonna ask him to go somewhere and then tell him how I feel [...] and also tell him the way I felt about him

 

Please don't. He doesn't care how you feel. If he did, he wouldn't mess with your head like he did yesterday.

You'll only make yourself look sad and desperate in his eyes.

 

 

And yeah, the liking girl's pictures thing. I just think that's who he is. He did it all the time when we were dating. But last night it bothered me because he recently followed this girl and he was liking her pictures from up to a year ago. I know she lives near him, and she's drop dead gorgeous. All her pictures look like they could be in a magazine. It just tortures me to think about it:(

 

It is really not healthy to get this emotionally invested in someone after only a couple of dates.

 

I could see this whole situation being really traumatic for me emotionally.

Because he's making me think he still cares, even it's just a little.

 

He doesn't care. And you should learn how to tell if somebody contacts you because they have an interest in you, and if they contact you just to give themselves an ego kick.

 

 

 

PLEASE PLEASE do yourself a favor and block him. Including on social media.

[Versacehottie]

Actually, it makes perfect sense for a single guy who doesn't want to commit to you. He doesn't have to make any effort and he can still maintain that you're only friends so don't expect anything more. Is it fun for you? No. So don't enable it by falling for it.

 

You need to ignore this guy. He's not going to give you what you want.

 

Yes, I agree. I'm not even going crazy over the booty call explanation. But you as a back burner option (yet to be decided how he is going to use the option) is EXACTLY what and why he's doing this. That's as far as he's gotten thought process. So don't go further yourself. The only things: you should be asking yourself is being treated as a option ok with you? Do you really want to see him after he's handled yesterday the way he did?

 

To me, it takes some skills and stronger emotional strength to see a guy who's put you in this zone. I'm not sure you really are in that position. You sound incredibly fragile and I would lean toward the fact that he is playing you. That's why the solution if I were in your shoes is easy as far as he is concerned. Don't agree to see him until he has put more effort in (not that you ask for or explain what it would be to you) because you are not sure what his intentions are and dubious. Then see what effort he puts forth.

 

On a total practical note, if he is leaving in 3-4 months why are you even latching yourself to this one?

 

*did you go buy a book like I suggested???

[Gaeta]

I was gonna ask him to go somewhere and then tell him how I feel

 

You know what...I think you should do that. You should call him and tell him how much he's important to you, how much you love him, and how you are lost since he broke up with you. Tell him he means the world to you and you cannot live without him.

 

Than, pay really really really close attention because you will be about to learn a very valuable life lesson.

 

Good luck.

[Qboro90]

I could see this whole situation being really traumatic for me emotionally.

Because he's making me think he still cares, even it's just a little. That's gonna have me hold onto him and be tortured to wonder what he's doing on the weekends (probably out with some girl) that will kill me.

I'm the kind of person that doesn't let people go easily. I hold out hope until I'm 100% sure it will never work as long as I live. And every day that he doesn't text or call I'll wonder what's going through his head, whether or not he's thinking of me, why he would ever want to leave me, who he's with, ect. In a way, the logical thing to think would be that he did not want to be with me because he didn't think he could take it past friends. But then texting me and telling me he was thinking about me, gives me that tiny bit of hope and I don't know what to think about it.

 

In a little over a month, he leaves for 3-4 months. That's why I'm not sure if I should really give him a piece of my mind and tell him how I feel before he leaves or not. Or if I should write to him while he's gone.

 

It will just kill me to always wonder what if. I don't even know if it's worth my time to try and get him back, or spend my time caring about him. But what happened yesterday makes me just want to get him in person, sit him down and be like "ok what do you really want? If you don't want to be with me then tell me so I can let you go, if you're not sure then tell me so we can work through it."

Because as of right now I have no earthly idea how he feels about me, why he's not trying to make it work, ect. And that's probably what bothers me.

 

 

A situation where you've known someone for a month and been on 2 dates should not be a traumatic event in your life. That's something that you need to perhaps look into solving in a professional setting because I feel like that's a result of a mindset and low self worth that has been engrained in you and will take more than reading a few motivational replies or books to get past.

 

It's unusual that someone your age can be so hopeful and clingy towards the words and actions of a guy you just met. You should know by now that guys say and do things to just make girls like and trust them but in fact do not truly mean them or intend to back up their promises/statements. Most girls have a very skeptical view and mindset towards men.... Especially towards "sweet talkers". Meaning, the nicer and sweeter a guy is and the "yea I really connect with you, I think you're special and incredible and want to see you all the time" kinds of comments by guys are and should be taken with a dose of skepticism and "yeaaaa ok we'll see about that" mentality on your part. You seem to jump in head first at the slightest glimpse of a guys interest in you.

 

Just because he's a good looking guy and can attract any girl he wants doesn't mean that you need to throw yourself at him and make yourself easy to obtain. That's what guys like him and attractive men are used to. We don't date those girls, we just use them and occupy our time and boredom with them. There is NO deeper meaning or master plan behind it either so stop trying to figure out why.

 

If you have coffee with him and tell him how you truly feel then I guarantee it will be the worst thing you could've possibly done and he will never date or take your seriously. Even if you met him and said those things and he replied with "I'm glad you told me that, I really do like you and want to see you more, blah blah blah"... Trust me, he's just saying empty words. It's just as easy to say the things you want to hear so that he can keep you in his back pocket as it would be to tell you he doesn't want to ever see you again. My guess is that since he's going away in 3-4 months he knows he's not looking for a gf or anything serious and just wants to have fun and date socially until then.

 

You want to write him while he's away? What are you, this guys desperate pen pal or something?

 

The more you reply and open up the more I'm starting to think that You're not ready to date anyone at this point of your life. You're too easily susceptible to the common lines and behavior of men and not only do you fall for it, you lower your own self worth and value and try to please them in any way so that maybe someday, just maybe he will like me and wanna be with me. That's not healthy.

 

You're setting yourself up for more emotional distress and abuse. You need to have the mentality that you are an absolute princess and the best catch a guy could ever have. You're a college graduate who has her whole life ahead of herself and can forge any path you want. Make yourself happy before you look for a man. You should be able to know that no matter what, no matter if you're single, dating, or have a BF that you can make t on your own and your happiness and future aren't dependent on a guys feelings/treatment of you. Even when you are in a relationship, you should feel that your partner makes you happy and you enjoy your time more because you're with them, but if they were to disappear, it wouldn't crush you and cripple your life. You're not at that point or close to it yet.

[Versacehottie]

It's unusual that someone your age can be so hopeful and clingy towards the words and actions of a guy you just met.

 

While I think it may be a little more normal to be somewhat naive to slick guys or all of that, I do think it's very unusual that someone your age is so hampered, almost depressed about it. I do think that's something you need to figure out first. The book idea is just a quick bandaid for this week or moment in time but I agree with Qboro that the bigger issue needs to be addressed. Good luck and hang in there.

[Brooke42]

A situation where you've known someone for a month and been on 2 dates should not be a traumatic event in your life. That's something that you need to perhaps look into solving in a professional setting because I feel like that's a result of a mindset and low self worth that has been engrained in you and will take more than reading a few motivational replies or books to get past.

 

It's unusual that someone your age can be so hopeful and clingy towards the words and actions of a guy you just met. You should know by now that guys say and do things to just make girls like and trust them but in fact do not truly mean them or intend to back up their promises/statements. Most girls have a very skeptical view and mindset towards men.... Especially towards "sweet talkers". Meaning, the nicer and sweeter a guy is and the "yea I really connect with you, I think you're special and incredible and want to see you all the time" kinds of comments by guys are and should be taken with a dose of skepticism and "yeaaaa ok we'll see about that" mentality on your part. You seem to jump in head first at the slightest glimpse of a guys interest in you.

 

Just because he's a good looking guy and can attract any girl he wants doesn't mean that you need to throw yourself at him and make yourself easy to obtain. That's what guys like him and attractive men are used to. We don't date those girls, we just use them and occupy our time and boredom with them. There is NO deeper meaning or master plan behind it either so stop trying to figure out why.

 

If you have coffee with him and tell him how you truly feel then I guarantee it will be the worst thing you could've possibly done and he will never date or take your seriously. Even if you met him and said those things and he replied with "I'm glad you told me that, I really do like you and want to see you more, blah blah blah"... Trust me, he's just saying empty words. It's just as easy to say the things you want to hear so that he can keep you in his back pocket as it would be to tell you he doesn't want to ever see you again. My guess is that since he's going away in 3-4 months he knows he's not looking for a gf or anything serious and just wants to have fun and date socially until then.

 

You want to write him while he's away? What are you, this guys desperate pen pal or something?

 

The more you reply and open up the more I'm starting to think that You're not ready to date anyone at this point of your life. You're too easily susceptible to the common lines and behavior of men and not only do you fall for it, you lower your own self worth and value and try to please them in any way so that maybe someday, just maybe he will like me and wanna be with me. That's not healthy.

 

You're setting yourself up for more emotional distress and abuse. You need to have the mentality that you are an absolute princess and the best catch a guy could ever have. You're a college graduate who has her whole life ahead of herself and can forge any path you want. Make yourself happy before you look for a man. You should be able to know that no matter what, no matter if you're single, dating, or have a BF that you can make t on your own and your happiness and future aren't dependent on a guys feelings/treatment of you. Even when you are in a relationship, you should feel that your partner makes you happy and you enjoy your time more because you're with them, but if they were to disappear, it wouldn't crush you and cripple your life. You're not at that point or close to it yet.

 

You're totally right. About everything. I don't know why the hell I'm so stuck on this guy. It makes no sense.

He texted me tonight around 9 and this is literally how the conversation went

Him: Come drink wine with meeee

Me: Break out the hard stuff and I might consider it. You should have asked me in daylight hours

Him: Can you not borrow a car?

Me: No, I've already had a little to drink and I smoked a cig so I'm really lightheaded

Him: Ok

Me: Invite all your cool neighbors over I guess

And then he said nothing

I don't understand. Maybe he thought I was making excuses for coming so now he's never going to talk to me again. That's what I'm afraid of.

[joseb]

So people still think he's not looking for a bootie call?

 

Op why would you reply break out the hard stuff and you would consider it?

[Brooke42]

So people still think he's not looking for a bootie call?

 

Op why would you reply break out the hard stuff and you would consider it?

 

 

I was totally joking. I figured he would know I was joking too.

I just don't know what he wants from me. This is all so confusing. He'll text, and then stop mid conversation. So weird.

[Qboro90]

Thinking too much into it again.... Once again he hits you up late in the day/night because he's bored and wants an easy hook up and you played right into his hands.

 

All you should've said was "ah would've been able to if you asked me earlier. Already had a few drinks so can't drive anywhere, have fun"

 

The cig comment and being lightheaded makes you look a bit childish to be honest. And the neighbors comment was neither here nor there so don't think into that. He asked once again for you to do all the work and come to him and once you said you weren't able to he went back to what he was doing because he's not interested enough in you to take any more time or effort to talk more with u or set up a date to hang out next.

[Gaeta]

I

I just don't know what he wants from me. This is all so confusing. He'll text, and then stop mid conversation. So weird.

 

He wants a booty call.

 

No it's not weird.

 

Men that want a booty call act exactly like he is.

 

Let me repeat:

 

He is booty calling you.

 

You get it now? He is booty calling you.

[Brooke42]

I just don't get it.

How can you go from dating someone and seriously considering making them your girlfriend, to texting them for booty call?

And why even contact me for a booty call when there's girls next door to him he could hook up with? Like why go through all that trouble?

Makes no sense to me.

[joseb]

I just don't get it.

How can you go from dating someone and seriously considering making them your girlfriend, to texting them for booty call?

And why even contact me for a booty call when there's girls next door to him he could hook up with? Like why go through all that trouble?

Makes no sense to me.

 

What part do you not get?

The part where guys say things they don't mean sometimes to get laid?

The part where the girl next door has moved on from him and/ or he's tapped that too often to bother anymore?

The part where he is not going to any trouble at all, all he's doing is sending a lazy booty call text. Maybe you've number 1 on his call list, or 2, or 3.

[JADIE]

I just don't get it.

How can you go from dating someone and seriously considering making them your girlfriend, to texting them for booty call?

And why even contact me for a booty call when there's girls next door to him he could hook up with? Like why go through all that trouble?

Makes no sense to me.

 

You still honestly believe that? He was not seriously considering anything of the sort two dates in, especially knowing he deploys in a month. It was just TALK. Nothing more. I'm going to put this EXTREMELY bluntly to you: You are nothing to him but a slight zing in the shorts. He's already had the girls next door and they're now on List B or C. You're only on List A because the conquest hasn't been made yet, so you're still on the rotation for "who do I try to hit tonite". As soon as you show up on his doorstep, you will also be relegated to List B or C, because the chase is over. You are putting out the desperation vibe so strong I can feel it here in Arizona...he is bathing in it..it doesn't have to make sense because it's just instinct for guys like him. Shut the door and walk away from this before you set yourself up for some serious damage. You scare me.

[LuckyLady13]

Brooke...

 

From what you've said, I don't think this has to do with your ex or low self-esteem issues. What sounds more likely is you like him and can't accept that you can't have him. Sometimes people want what they can't have and that sounds most like what's going on here.

 

His neighbor booty call probably dumped him (anyone can see why she would) and now he's lazily trying you. If he's this lazy about a booty call, I can't imagine how horrible he is in the sack! Does he ask his booty call to bring a pizza on the way over and take his pants off for him when she gets there?

 

He told you in no uncertain terms he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. And then he followed that up with barely speaking to you. His actions back up his words. He is not being unclear with you.

 

You've got absolutely nothing to get hung up about with this guy and what he brings to the table is seriously laughable! It's easy to see why he's single!

 

However! If this guy was someone else, someone actually worth 2 minutes of your time, you do need to clean up your act with a thing or two.

 

Other people have said it and I'll add another voice to the choir:

Do not overshare information with strangers. After 2 dates, this guy was still a stranger to you and you were giving up personal information a stranger does not want to hear like abusive ex's and other serious issues. You aren't over a previous relationship and should not be trying to push someone into a new relationship with you. You are clearly not ready!

 

Another reason? If this guy was a complete psycho, you gave up the info that you're vulnerable to abusers. Do you know what psycho's do with information like that?!?

 

Do not obsess over people you hardly know. Main reason being it's very unhealthy for you to do that. Second reason is you will scare away any guy you may be interested in by trying to practically handcuff them to you just because you went on a date or two.

 

Brooke, I usually think people are too harsh when people are seeking advice but in your case, you haven't listened to anyone because you don't want to hear that you can't have this guy. You're virtually shoving your fingers in your ears.

 

You will get over this guy, especially when it finally sinks in that he's not worth 5 minutes anyway. There's 2 people doing things wrong in your situation. He's not boyfriend material but at this moment in time, you're not girlfriend material.

 

Spend time alone and find it within yourself to be happy by yourself. If you don't, you're going to sabotage any possible relationship in your future that could have been great. You think other people are just luckier than you but they just understood a long time ago what to do and not do. It's time you get up to speed and join them!

[Versacehottie]

I just don't get it.

How can you go from dating someone and seriously considering making them your girlfriend, to texting them for booty call?

And why even contact me for a booty call when there's girls next door to him he could hook up with? Like why go through all that trouble?

Makes no sense to me.

 

Because he knows you are head over heels and completely desperate for him. So he's no longer interested in making you his gf but he'll take the attention when it's easy. Def prepping you for a booty call, treating you like an option. Why wouldn't he pick you up? He doesn't want to date you if he asking you to find your own way to him. It's clear. The reason he does not hook up with the girls next door to him is you are overestimating him and underestimating other girls in general. He prob isn't as smooth or interesting as YOU think he is and other girls aren't as EASY and desperate as you. He'd have to put some work in. With you there is no work involved.

 

I agree with Qboro except for the I wouldn't say that the comment about the neighbors was throwaway or neither here nor there. It reeked of insecurity and desperation.

 

Again you show someone with your actions. So if you really believe 9pm is too late to be texting you to ask you to meet up (i would agree with this in the context of a guy who has dumped you), then don't answer. Just answer the next day, if that.

 

And then he disappeared on you again mid-texting. He's up to no good and your interactions with each other are just getting worse. See why I said it would take someone who was more able to take on this kind of thing? I don't think you are in place emotionally to be dealing with this.

 

And someone mentioned above which I hadn't thought about but is totally true. I just asked you why you would want to latch yourself to some guy who's going away anyway---and the reverse, as someone said is relevant, he's leaving so probably not serious about dating in this last 3-4 months.

 

I would recommend you stop talking to him. Think of how empowering it would feel to be the one who wants better for herself and without waiting around to find out this is a dead end (it is!), you just cut it off. To be alone IS better than this. Are you working? That's what you need to be concentrating on so you can move out and start that part of your life.

[katiegrl]

Well guys, Brooke has stopped replying to y'all (after pretty much responding after nearly every response) ...... I hope to god she did not find a way over to his last night ... or met up with him someplace else.

 

I for one think he may be a sociopath, and I do not throw that term around lightly ...I am just really concerned for her right now....

 

Qboro and Versacehottie (and others) ....you guys are so awesome ....your responses on this thread so right on, I did not have anything to add as y'all said it all imo and then some!

 

Anyway, Brooke, will you return to thread and let us know how you're doing?

[Versacehottie]

my guess: brooke seems to sleep a lot the day away. Her responses to us don't start until late in afternoon usually. That's why I think she needs to address her bigger issues.

 

As far as seeing him last night, i'd guess she really can't get transportation to him which I think has added to her general despondence overall. I think if, by chance, she came up with a ride and texted him to ask him where to meet if it was out of the 15 minute window in which he asked and having gauged her state of mind in the tone of her texts that the guy she likes did not respond. Well, that's my guess anyway. Human behavior:bunny:

[katiegrl]

my guess: brooke seems to sleep a lot the day away. Her responses to us don't start until late in afternoon usually. That's why I think she needs to address her bigger issues.

 

As far as seeing him last night, i'd guess she really can't get transportation to him which I think has added to her general despondence overall. I think if, by chance, she came up with a ride and texted him to ask him where to meet if it was out of the 15 minute window in which he asked and having gauged her state of mind in the tone of her texts that the guy she likes did not respond. Well, that's my guess anyway. Human behavior:bunny:

 

15 minute window? WTF, he gave her 15 minutes to figure out if she could see him?

 

I missed that.

 

This guy sounds horrible!

[Gaeta]

15 minute window? WTF, he gave her 15 minutes to figure out if she could see him?

 

I missed that.

 

This guy sounds horrible!

 

I missed that, someone know where he said that? I got to see this!!

[Versacehottie]

15 minute window? WTF, he gave her 15 minutes to figure out if she could see him?

 

I missed that.

 

This guy sounds horrible!

 

no lol, but that was my impression of his contact. His interest was a quick offer on the table, take it or leave it. And when she couldn't come up with transportation and was being a debbie downer, I'm sure he moved on and would not have responded if she came up with a ride. The underlying theme is that he is just treating her as an option or a booty call not relationship material, therefore the offer to come have a drink was conditional (her being easy, with her own ride and in a good mood). Since she was none of those things, offer was likely rescinded in his mind at least. That's my guess. I could be totally wrong

[katiegrl]

no lol, but that was my impression of his contact. His interest was a quick offer on the table, take it or leave it. And when she couldn't come up with transportation and was being a debbie downer, I'm sure he moved on and would not have responded if she came up with a ride. The underlying theme is that he is just treating her as an option or a booty call not relationship material, therefore the offer to come have a drink was conditional (her being easy, with her own ride and in a good mood). Since she was none of those things, offer was likely rescinded in his mind at least. That's my guess. I could be totally wrong

 

Okay ...lol.

 

I dunno if I agree though ....but I guess it would depend on how badly he needed the booty.

 

If she called an hour later, he still may have been *up* for it...(pun intended!).

 

It is pretty clear, to me anyway, no matter how many times y'all tried to drill it in, she was not accepting that she was a booty call.

 

I think SHE believes this bozo really does care about her....and that is what scares me about all this.

[Versacehottie]

15 minute window was not literal or anything he said. But it does sum up the situation. Most (all?) of us don't think he's into her as a bf. This is likely a booty call or back up option sh*t. He disappears on her mid-texting. To me, that means he's taking the offer back. He's not gonna sit through it with her while she whines about not having a ride, or discuss the "relationship" with her (which is where he could see it was heading with the neighbors comment). He's not going to even try to change the subject and stay on phone or text her all night. He disappeared because he was onto something else. Probably another girl option or his friends, even nothing by himself was better than continuing to text with her. Their whole text conversation couldn't have taken long and I'd bet he would have only allowed her to come meet up if she got it together (in form of a ride) in 5-10 minutes after their last text.

 

Even booty calls that like JUST you or think you are fun or whatever, usually plead with you longer than he did with her.

 

I don't think he's not a jerk but his behavior isn't that untypical of guys who can get away with stuff with girls that are too desperate. There is, I believe, a danger in letting the OP pin what's going on in their interactions totally onto him being a jerk. She needs to work on her behavior in a big, big way than she won't be susceptible to jerks. And there is the old: you teach a person how to treat you. If she keeps acting her way, she will keep running into "jerks". I'm being facetious because her behavior allows people to jerk her around, so she is being jerked around. If she walked away from this guy today, met a new one and did the same things she is doing here with him, I'm fairly sure she would have a very similar result.

[Brooke42]

Thanks for everyone's input about the situation

I'm thankful that everyone has been blunt and honest with me about his intentions.

I'm realizing that he doesn't care about me, and if he does it's not as much as I would want him to. I'm an afterthought to him. No longer the first person he thinks of when he wakes up.

I want someone who really cares about me and I guess I fooled myself into thinking he could be that person, only because he said so many times that he really did care so it was hard for me to let go of the fact that he no longer wanted me. We spent hours talking about how much he cared, how hard he would try to make things work so it was just a shock to me that he wasn't trying anymore and it was hard for me to believe it.

Being so lonely like I am right now, I am vulnerable to jump at the first person who wants to spend time with me and I realize that.

He was such a nice, good guy and I wanted to convince myself that in some way it could work no matter how hard it would be.

I didn't end up seeing him last night. I'm not going to hang out with him at night until/unless he really wants me in his life.

I do believe I wasn't a booty call the past few nights, but more of someone for him to hang out with because maybe he didn't have anybody else.

I think I'll ask him to lunch at some point and see what he says. If he agrees to go, I'll try not to through all my feelings out there and give him a piece of my mind even though that will be extremely difficult. It's hard for me to hold things in and I like speaking my mind. I didn't speak my mind enough growing up and I always lived to regret it. So I'll see what he says about actually seeing me in the daylight and in public. I'm not sure what I'll really think/do past that.

If we are friends, I'm going out of town this weekend with friends and I was going to invite him along that way we would have some actual time to spend together and have fun, but I'm not sure it's a good idea. I haven't decided yet.

I just don't want to be an afterthought, or a second option but I think that's what's going on right now.

Maybe he's not sure about his feelings for me and that's why he's asked me to hang ouf, so he can decide for sure. And maybe he's asked me the way he has because he doesn't want to come across as being too serious and maybe he's wanting me to know he doesn't know what he wants.

I don't think it has something to do with him being gone for months, he's had girlfriends while he's been deployed.

Not sure what to think about all this. I guess if he doesn't act like he truly wants me in his life ill have to let him go somehow.

[Versacehottie]

Yeah you should let him go starting now.

 

Don't ask him to lunch.

 

Don't ask him to meet up with you and your friends this weekend.

 

Both are terrible ideas.

 

I'm not sure why you think they are good ideas.

[Jejangles]

Yeah you should let him go starting now.

 

Don't ask him to lunch.

 

Don't ask him to meet up with you and your friends this weekend.

 

Both are terrible ideas.

 

I'm not sure why you think they are good ideas.

 

Yes, this. You need to let this guy go. Don't invite him anywhere, stop answering his texts and focus on you and why you would be interested in someone who blows so hot and cold. I highly recommend reading some of the posts and comments at Baggage Reclaim, that website is my go to when I need some "real talk" on a situation!