I'm on the verge of losing it

[Versacehottie]

wow, Qboro you are one of my favorite new posters. Great advice from a guy's perspective:)

[Brooke42]

Don't open up and reveal things about yourself that are very personal too fast in the future... That might also be a reason why he stopped talking to you...

 

. I've had girls do that too and it freaks us out as guys because we think "whoa, you just told me that and I barely even know you... What else have you gone through if you're telling me that on a first or second date? Probably a lot of issues, better if I back off".

 

I met a girl once who it was obvious she liked me, I kissed her at a party and literally after that she starts telling me her life story about how her parents are divorced and that her dad just started dating a girl who was 22 and her mom is an alcoholic. And I'm standing there like "OKkkk.... Byee".

 

Opening up like that and thinking that "omg he's just like me, now I can tell him everything and he'll be there for me yay!!" Is exactly what you should not do.

 

Don't tell guys things like that until you know them inside and out. Don't reveal personal past history and trauma until he opens up and says something himself. Otherwise you risk appearing to be a stage 5 clinger.

 

Totally agree. I'm not like the girl you described above. I'm not one of those girls that just yells my problems at guys hopefully they will be there to save me.

With this guy, when we talked I had some weird views on things. Like he would talk about all the nice things he wanted to do for me and I basically told him to forget it because I don't like when guys do nice things for me. So of course, he asked why I felt that way...so then I had to go into my issues..well some of my issues. I told him about how my ex abused me but that was pretty much it. I didn't tell him about how bad my confidence issues were. I guess it really bothered him that I didn't like him paying for me and opening my door, ect. I really regret the way I reacted toward all of it.

I wasn't clingy at all, in fact..he would call me. I let him chase me, didn't want him to think he would lose his freedom with me or that I always had to be in contact with him.

I guess no matter what I did, it didn't really matter. Even though we didn't hang out that much, I felt extremely close to him because of all we shared with each other.

[Qboro90]

Totally agree. I'm not like the girl you described above. I'm not one of those girls that just yells my problems at guys hopefully they will be there to save me.

With this guy, when we talked I had some weird views on things. Like he would talk about all the nice things he wanted to do for me and I basically told him to forget it because I don't like when guys do nice things for me. So of course, he asked why I felt that way...so then I had to go into my issues..well some of my issues. I told him about how my ex abused me but that was pretty much it. I didn't tell him about how bad my confidence issues were. I guess it really bothered him that I didn't like him paying for me and opening my door, ect. I really regret the way I reacted toward all of it.

I wasn't clingy at all, in fact..he would call me. I let him chase me, didn't want him to think he would lose his freedom with me or that I always had to be in contact with him.

I guess no matter what I did, it didn't really matter. Even though we didn't hang out that much, I felt extremely close to him because of all we shared with each other.

 

 

What you told him about your ex was a mistake. Not something to share so early on. Even if it's not who you are or an accurate depiction, a guy is gonna think "oh great, another ex BF trauma problems girl, no thanks". Just a FYI that's how it appears.

 

And when he was telling you the nice things he'd do and offer to pay... Don't feel like you need to make a stance and explain why "i don't need you to buy me dinner or get me that, it's fine really, no I can pay for myself".... Just take the compliment and take the generosity and say thankyou.... When a guy takes you on a date he's probably gonna pay... The only thing you can do if you really want is just when the check comes reach for your wallet so he can see your not just expecting him to pay. That gesture is all that's needed to show that you're classy.

[UntitledNotepad]

This is extremely frustrating and I don't understand. I met this guy and we hit it off. We texted every single day, talked on the phone, and have been out on 2 dates together. There's been some hard times, because I am a recent grad and still living at home with strict rules by my parents and he lives alone. It's hard to get out and see him and now I haven't seen him for 2 weeks. He has a very demanding job which takes up a lot of his time so the weekend is my only chance to see him. He's told me he likes me and even sees me as a girlfriend in the near future but that was back when we first started talking. Lately I havent heard from him as much but things have been normal. I now haven't heard from him in 2 days. I texted yesterday to see if he wanted to hang out and haven't heard anything at all yet today and it's getting ready to be night. The thing is that I've seen him on social media.. he was on insta and he updated his snapchat story. What could be the cause of this? I know he was with a friend yesterday but I'm not sure about today. Why would he be on social media but not take the time to talk to me? What's going on? Nothing out of the ordinary has happened things have been normal. Can someone explain why he might be doing this? It doesn't take more than 2 seconds to send a text. Why is he on social media but not returning my texts when everything was fine. It just makes no sense to me. I even sent him a text this morning and asked what was going on and still no answer. Everything was perfect.

 

Because he doesn't want to hang out, unfortunately. But that is irrelevant, pursue him until he puts a restraining order out on you. You never know if he might like you in the future if you say just the right things.

[Brooke42]

So...update just incase anyone was wondering.

 

I've taken the advice of most people and left him alone ever since he said he couldn't continue "dating" me. I haven't reached out to him at all. This week I've gone and done my own thing, barely checked my phone, ect.

 

Today I was laying down and my phone buzzed. I expected it to be nothing and it was him texting. I did a double take because I couldn't believe it and I never thought I would hear from him again.

 

He asked me what I was up to. I told him what I was up to and he said "was just thinking of you!"

I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I just continued the conversation like I basically hadn't heard him say that, because I don't even know why he would tell me that. Anyways the conversation kept going and he told me I could come over tonight. I didn't end up going, just continued the conversation again and he said

"So, chances of ever seeing you again?" He wanted to know when we could, I said whenever. Basically we didn't set up a specific time because he stopped replying and I haven't heard back from him yet.

 

What does this mean? Do you think he's having second thoughts about his decision?

On instagram earlier I was going through my feed and I saw him like a girl's picture from like 50 weeks ago lol. Do you think that's something to worry about? He likes girl's pictures a lot but I remember him liking a lot of my pics from very far back when we first started talking to so it's kind of freaking me out.

I still really like the guy.

[joseb]

To me it sounds like he was horny and fancied a bootie call.

[Versacehottie]

So...update just incase anyone was wondering.

 

I've taken the advice of most people and left him alone ever since he said he couldn't continue "dating" me. I haven't reached out to him at all. This week I've gone and done my own thing, barely checked my phone, ect.

 

Today I was laying down and my phone buzzed. I expected it to be nothing and it was him texting. I did a double take because I couldn't believe it and I never thought I would hear from him again.

 

He asked me what I was up to. I told him what I was up to and he said "was just thinking of you!"

I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I just continued the conversation like I basically hadn't heard him say that, because I don't even know why he would tell me that. Anyways the conversation kept going and he told me I could come over tonight. I didn't end up going, just continued the conversation again and he said

"So, chances of ever seeing you again?" He wanted to know when we could, I said whenever. Basically we didn't set up a specific time because he stopped replying and I haven't heard back from him yet.

What does this mean? Do you think he's having second thoughts about his decision?

On instagram earlier I was going through my feed and I saw him like a girl's picture from like 50 weeks ago lol. Do you think that's something to worry about? He likes girl's pictures a lot but I remember him liking a lot of my pics from very far back when we first started talking to so it's kind of freaking me out.

I still really like the guy.

 

My opinion is that was cursory ego check-in, back burner/option **** he just gave you. I know you said you were naive about relationships and this happens a lot. Don't believe it means much in the way of him liking you until proven with actions. In my opinion, if he disappeared mid-text conversation right after you agreed "whenever" that's is all he wanted. A guy who was desperate for his second chance and having second thoughts, would have said, 'ok, what about wednesday?" See how he was real sweet when he didn't know what your answer would be and then dismissive (ie disappeared) when he did. That is ego or making sure that you are right there as an option most likely.

 

Ok, and here's the big one. Where is Quoro? Since he's been really helpful on your thread, I think you should get him to weigh in on what he thinks, as a guy, when you said "whenever". To me, no not at all is that what you should have said or given the vibe of. He dumped you essentially right? So why are you going to let him back in that easy? I don't even think he bothered with a full sentence!! Sure you can still like the guy but now is the perfect time to set the patterns differently and change things up. Show him you are to be respected and you have a better chance of turning him into your boyfriend. Honestly, you deserve better than this weak attempt at a way back in but you took it like you were completely still his--no limits, not even days you weren't free. NO. Here's the thing, he could be doubting his decision. I think we came to the conclusion before that that it was too heavy and that you'd be too dependent, clingy, available etc were some of the top reasons, he probably didn't want to keep dating you. Well you just showed him that no matter how much he hurt you, that you will jump the moment he says jump. Not a good recipe for success.

 

I do want it to work out for you and hope he's followed through with a date and time since you last posted. But my instinct is that he is just prepping you to be back burner option or a booty call and getting an ego boost from it. If he was have real second thoughts, the kind of answer "whenever" is hurting you not helping you to turn those second thoughts into a second chance.

[Brooke42]

To me it sounds like he was horny and fancied a bootie call.

 

Honestly I don't think it was. He knows I have no way to get to him, and if he wanted that, there's people that live in his neighborhood that he can ask. Haha

[Versacehottie]

Honestly I don't think it was. He knows I have no way to get to him, and if he wanted that, there's people that live in his neighborhood that he can ask. Haha

 

He could be setting you up to be his future booty call though.

[Brooke42]

My opinion is that was cursory ego check-in, back burner/option **** he just gave you. I know you said you were naive about relationships and this happens a lot. Don't believe it means much in the way of him liking you until proven with actions. In my opinion, if he disappeared mid-text conversation right after you agreed "whenever" that's is all he wanted. A guy who was desperate for his second chance and having second thoughts, would have said, 'ok, what about wednesday?" See how he was real sweet when he didn't know what your answer would be and then dismissive (ie disappeared) when he did. That is ego or making sure that you are right there as an option most likely.

 

Ok, and here's the big one. Where is Quoro? Since he's been really helpful on your thread, I think you should get him to weigh in on what he thinks, as a guy, when you said "whenever". To me, no not at all is that what you should have said or given the vibe of. He dumped you essentially right? So why are you going to let him back in that easy? I don't even think he bothered with a full sentence!! Sure you can still like the guy but now is the perfect time to set the patterns differently and change things up. Show him you are to be respected and you have a better chance of turning him into your boyfriend. Honestly, you deserve better than this weak attempt at a way back in but you took it like you were completely still his--no limits, not even days you weren't free. NO. Here's the thing, he could be doubting his decision. I think we came to the conclusion before that that it was too heavy and that you'd be too dependent, clingy, available etc were some of the top reasons, he probably didn't want to keep dating you. Well you just showed him that no matter how much he hurt you, that you will jump the moment he says jump. Not a good recipe for success.

 

I do want it to work out for you and hope he's followed through with a date and time since you last posted. But my instinct is that he is just prepping you to be back burner option or a booty call and getting an ego boost from it. If he was have real second thoughts, the kind of answer "whenever" is hurting you not helping you to turn those second thoughts into a second chance.

 

I was fearing that would be what it was. You're right I shouldn't have been so available...i was just so excited in the moment that I said the first thing I thought. Still liking him, I was gonna jump at any chance to see him. I know that's probably not the best decision, I just wanted him to know I was available whenever he wanted to do something.

Ughhhh why did I do that

Yes, I would love to have Quoro's input!!

[Versacehottie]

I was fearing that would be what it was. You're right I shouldn't have been so available...i was just so excited in the moment that I said the first thing I thought. Still liking him, I was gonna jump at any chance to see him. I know that's probably not the best decision, I just wanted him to know I was available whenever he wanted to do something.

Ughhhh why did I do that

Yes, I would love to have Quoro's input!!

 

Well here's what you can do now: figure out in your own head what he would need to do to earn his way back into your life. In this little exercise, the answer can't be "nothing". I can't decide for you but anything above nothing. Think of yourself as the girl with the most options of guys that you know, what would she say? Something you want from him that would show effort and that he's not gonna just disappear again. If I was in your shoes, I might say "well we can go to coffee as friends just to talk. I'm not sure about dating you after what went down".

 

Also even though you said 'whenever", you don't need to stick to that. That's what you said tonight and now he's disappeared on you. Not to mention when people actually try to schedule and plan what it will be you can have some input.

 

One way to protect yourself, from being a booty call is don't accept seeing him in those conditions. Even if you have before, he took a step back. so can you now. Also what time did his text come in? Too late for people that aren't consciously dating one another? Don't accept those texts, just text back the next day. Even if it's not an immediate booty call, he's either prepping you to be one OR feeding his ego that you will accept his contact "whenever" and are not on another date already. Again communicates message that you are already his without him doing any work, in fact dumping you and you are still right there. This will hurt your cause not help it and destroy you in the process.

 

Get these parameters tight and right in your mind that way you will be ready next time he contacts. Also get it in your mind about how long you will find it acceptable that he re-picks up this text when he's left you hanging about when this so-called date will be. So if he was 4 days to a week would that be ok? OR do you want to hear back from him by tomorrow to take him semi-seriously. If it was an ego boost thing or back burner option, I'm guessing he won't follow up just immediately, as in by tomorrow.

[Brooke42]

Well here's what you can do now: figure out in your own head what he would need to do to earn his way back into your life. In this little exercise, the answer can't be "nothing". I can't decide for you but anything above nothing. Think of yourself as the girl with the most options of guys that you know, what would she say? Something you want from him that would show effort and that he's not gonna just disappear again. If I was in your shoes, I might say "well we can go to coffee as friends just to talk. I'm not sure about dating you after what went down".

 

Also even though you said 'whenever", you don't need to stick to that. That's what you said tonight and now he's disappeared on you. Not to mention when people actually try to schedule and plan what it will be you can have some input.

 

One way to protect yourself, from being a booty call is don't accept seeing him in those conditions. Even if you have before, he took a step back. so can you now. Also what time did his text come in? Too late for people that aren't consciously dating one another? Don't accept those texts, just text back the next day. Even if it's not an immediate booty call, he's either prepping you to be one OR feeding his ego that you will accept his contact "whenever" and are not on another date already. Again communicates message that you are already his without him doing any work, in fact dumping you and you are still right there. This will hurt your cause not help it and destroy you in the process.

 

Get these parameters tight and right in your mind that way you will be ready next time he contacts. Also get it in your mind about how long you will find it acceptable that he re-picks up this text when he's left you hanging about when this so-called date will be. So if he was 4 days to a week would that be ok? OR do you want to hear back from him by tomorrow to take him semi-seriously. If it was an ego boost thing or back burner option, I'm guessing he won't follow up just immediately, as in by tomorrow.

 

It's really hard for me to figure out his motives. When he ended things he said "i don't think I can take this past friends." Those were his exact words. Maybe i misinterpreted? I don't think I did. He made all those excuses for why that was his decision, his biggest one being that work was getting super stressful. But in my head I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he just meant he was gonna think on it and let me know. The signs don't point to that however, because I didn't hear from him for days. I want to believe that he is reconsidering what he decided but I'm not sure.

 

Also, he's a great looking guy. He could pick any girl and have them which is part of the reason I don't want to get my hopes up. Imean why try to make it work with me, a girl who lives 30 mins out that he never gets to see, over a hot college girl that lives in his neighborhood? (there's plenty of them)

 

He texted me around 5:30, which isn't normal booty call time. He's in the military so I never really know what his schedule is like. It's just weird because I thought I would never hear from him again. It puts me on edge to wonder how our communication will be from here on out. Like will he next everyday as the norm? Will he only check in every once in a while? Will he never talk to me again? I get to wonder about all that now.

 

If he ends up really wanting to hang, I was actually just gonna meet him for coffee and just tell him exactly how I feel about him and the whole situation..not a good idea? Like I was planning to ask him if he wanted to stay with his decision or try again and if he agreed to try again I was gonna tell him what he would have to do to get back in my life. My only fear is that he would say he wasn't up for it. Guys hate to work for things, and I don't feel like I'm worth working that hard for.

[Versacehottie]

It's really hard for me to figure out his motives. When he ended things he said "i don't think I can take this past friends." Those were his exact words. Maybe i misinterpreted? I don't think I did. He made all those excuses for why that was his decision, his biggest one being that work was getting super stressful. But in my head I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he just meant he was gonna think on it and let me know. The signs don't point to that however, because I didn't hear from him for days. I want to believe that he is reconsidering what he decided but I'm not sure.

 

Also, he's a great looking guy. He could pick any girl and have them which is part of the reason I don't want to get my hopes up. Imean why try to make it work with me, a girl who lives 30 mins out that he never gets to see, over a hot college girl that lives in his neighborhood? (there's plenty of them)

 

He texted me around 5:30, which isn't normal booty call time. He's in the military so I never really know what his schedule is like. It's just weird because I thought I would never hear from him again. It puts me on edge to wonder how our communication will be from here on out. Like will he next everyday as the norm? Will he only check in every once in a while? Will he never talk to me again? I get to wonder about all that now.

 

If he ends up really wanting to hang, I was actually just gonna meet him for coffee and just tell him exactly how I feel about him and the whole situation..not a good idea? Like I was planning to ask him if he wanted to stay with his decision or try again and if he agreed to try again I was gonna tell him what he would have to do to get back in my life. My only fear is that he would say he wasn't up for it. Guys hate to work for things, and I don't feel like I'm worth working that hard for.

 

No, you didn't misinterpret. Ok doesn't sound like it was booty call tonight but he could be prepping you to become one. I think the more likely story is he hasn't figured out what he wants but is reaching out anyway, and it having second thoughts (only thoughts not committed ideas!!) and prepping you to be an option/getting an ego boost at the same time.

 

I'm a bit worried with your response here above. All about him. Make it about you. What do you want? Don't think about his reasons, his excuses, his thought process. No benefit of the doubt. Only facts. Several days ago he stopped us dating because he saw me only as a friend. Period. How does that make you feel? How would these cute college girls with tons of options react to that? Not from him, from anybody?

 

And you have it totally wrong. Guys like to work for things. Things they want and that they think are worth it. They do not WANT things that anyone can have. Your value gives them value. So if you are a pushover, they are not interested.

 

"if he really wants to hang"?!?!?! WTF is that kind of talk? No!~ You are doormating yourself. Too available in your mindset. How about "if having slept on it YOU still want to hang?" Not as a game, you must clear up these self-esteem issues!!! Like a lot of us said earlier, I really think you need time to work on these issues. It won't be easy, if not impossible, to solve them within a relationship. No guy is going to give you what you need to give yourself FIRST. I bolded the bummer statement. Go this weekend spend $15 and find a book on working on self esteem, self worth.

 

I know he's on the radar now and you can see it through and find out what will happen but you can't talk like that to yourself and expect to get anyone around you, especially a bf, who will treat you well. No one is going to treat you better than you treat yourself. So if you treat yourself like you are sh&t, others will treat you even worse than that. The initial high that you feel right now in these interactions with him is giving you a hit of worth. It will go lower than before if he starts messing with you--as people tend to do when you show them you don't care about yourself.

[Two Pump Chump]

If he ends up really wanting to hang, I was actually just gonna meet him for coffee and just tell him exactly how I feel about him and the whole situation..not a good idea? Like I was planning to ask him if he wanted to stay with his decision or try again and if he agreed to try again I was gonna tell him what he would have to do to get back in my life. My only fear is that he would say he wasn't up for it. Guys hate to work for things, and I don't feel like I'm worth working that hard for.

 

This is a HORRIBLE idea!

 

You need to chill out you have only been on TWO dates! Stop trying to pressure him into defining anything or putting a label on this. Basically you giving him an ultimatum and he isn't going to choose what you want nor will he have the opportunity to get to know you because you left him no other choice.

 

There is ZERO indication after two dates that he is interested / pursing a relationship much less a committed one.

 

If you hear from him and want to see him... Show him a good time. That is about this early on. Anything else, will only drive him away.

[Qboro90]

Here's what happened. Think about it. You haven't heard from him since he broke things off and told you "I don't see us as anything more than friends" (first off all, NO guy would ever say that to a girl who he was even semi interested in being with or dating down the road. It's such a lame line to end things but is very definitive if after 2 dates he was ready to say that to you).

 

Now with that being said... The last time you heard from him was what i listed above... And he texts you today because....... It's Friday.. He hasn't come up with another date or any plans with his buddies, had nothing going on, and wanted to see if he could get an easy hang out session where he probably hoped it would lead to sex. He knows you were really into him based off your actions and words during your time together so the text today was to test how desperate you were to be with him and if you'd take him up on his frat boy offer.

 

Look at what he said "he told me I could come over tonight".... Like he was doing you a favor. "Yea since you're not doing anything, find your way over to my place, and sit on the couch and entertain me". Sorry if it's too honest or blunt/hurtful but I've pulled this move plenty of times in my college/post college days and there is no deeper meaning.

 

The "was just thinking of you" line is just that... A line. He might've been thinking "**** I got nothing to do tonight... Eh screw it I'll hit up Brooke and see if she'll come over".

 

Now...advice.... When a guy texts you that short notice on a Friday or a weekend and asks what you're doing. NEVER say "nothing, just hanging out" or tell him you've got nothing really going on. There's ther availability thing we spoke about earlier... Too easy for him and not working for it whatsoever.

You should've said "not really sure yet, just finishing up work or just heading to the gym... Couple of my friends are going out to ____ tonight but I haven't decided/thought about it yet".... Doing that shows him that you got other **** going on and wouldnt make him feel like he's doing you a favor by "letting you come over".

 

Following that up... When he said "so when am I gonna see you again". There are a couple routes you could've taken.

1. If you really do like him and wanna give it another shot you could've given him the challenge "you tell me.... Get creative Romeo" - playful way to see what he can come up with.

2. " what'd you have in mind? And please don't say Netflix and take in ". - that's showing he's gonna have to do more than just sit on the couch with you.

3. You could flip it so you're in control of the situation and say "I dunno, I'm not doing anything _____ (pick a day), if you wanna come by and hang out, lmk"

Sometimes a hang out at one another's place is a good thing, less formal instead of dinner. If I were you though I wouldn't go to his place first. At least if it's at your place then he's playing by your rules, he's a guest so he's not gonna assume you're having sex or staying over. At this point you need to make hike work and guess a little bit. Something you haven't done so far.

 

4. Last option is if you wanna be a ball breaker. "When are you gonna see me again? Hmmm.... Well I don't see us being more than friends tbh ". And just mess with him. That'll prolly embarrass him because he knows he told you that and knows that you're not dumb enough to forget. So he'll have to explain himself a bit before you're willing to give in to another date.

[Qboro90]

Oh... And also... DO NOT... Talk to him about establishing "where this is going" or "what you're looking for" or anything along those lines. That will solidify your status as the desperate girl who likes him way to much too soon and is going to send him off running.

 

He's liking girls pics on social media, he's in the military. This guy is the prototypical single dude. Of course he says nice things and makes you think "maybe he really does like me and wanna be with me". That's what attractive single dudes are good at. You absolutely cannot try to get him to define what you both are at this point. You're nothing. There's nothing to define and there shouldn't be. If you want to see him again then see him again. Don't think or try and find out anything at all past that. Focus on the 1 date in front of you.

 

What if he turns out to be a total scumbag or does something absurd the next time you hang out? You're in there asking "what are we?" Without first finding out "wait... Who are you?" .... Slow things down Brooke. And make him work for it. Even if it means putting on an act like you've got a ton of guys hitting on you and an active social life. He needs to think that you're not sitting at home asking for advice on love shack about him. Lol.... Seriously tho... Make him work.

[Versacehottie]

This is a HORRIBLE idea!

 

You need to chill out you have only been on TWO dates! Stop trying to pressure him into defining anything or putting a label on this. Basically you giving him an ultimatum and he isn't going to choose what you want nor will he have the opportunity to get to know you because you left him no other choice.

 

There is ZERO indication after two dates that he is interested / pursing a relationship much less a committed one.

 

If you hear from him and want to see him... Show him a good time. That is about this early on. Anything else, will only drive him away.

 

Yes, its not laying it on the line like the rules of the relationship. You have it in your mind what he would need to do. And agreeing to see you is not just it. That's desperate. You don't tell him these conditions you wait until he shows you. Like the coffee example, if that was how you felt, you wouldn't go on a date with him but you'd see him for coffee to see what he had to say and let him know you could go there as friends. See then he's trying to win you over if he wants more. I'm a little too tired to explain this. Will try to come back tomorrow. I'm very nervous though. because you don't get it because your mindset is a desperate one.

[Versacehottie]

Oh... And also... DO NOT... Talk to him about establishing "where this is going" or "what you're looking for" or anything along those lines. That will solidify your status as the desperate girl who likes him way to much too soon and is going to send him off running.

 

He's liking girls pics on social media, he's in the military. This guy is the prototypical single dude. Of course he says nice things and makes you think "maybe he really does like me and wanna be with me". That's what attractive single dudes are good at. You absolutely cannot try to get him to define what you both are at this point. You're nothing. There's nothing to define and there shouldn't be. If you want to see him again then see him again. Don't think or try and find out anything at all past that. Focus on the 1 date in front of you.

 

What if he turns out to be a total scumbag or does something absurd the next time you hang out? You're in there asking "what are we?" Without first finding out "wait... Who are you?" .... Slow things down Brooke. And make him work for it. Even if it means putting on an act like you've got a ton of guys hitting on you and an active social life. He needs to think that you're not sitting at home asking for advice on love shack about him. Lol.... Seriously tho... Make him work.

 

See Qboro is saying making him work because guys like to work for girls they are interested in. and sometimes working makes them interested in the girl, well more interest then they would be. Think only one date ahead. Like think of your own personal limits. What if you go to this coffee and he tells you about his date last week with another girl? How would you react? What does that make you think of him? Would you keep spending any future time with him? I know what I would do. Your standards for how you want a guy to treat you need to be set. They are not flexible depending on the guy and what he has to offer. If they are flexible, they smell it a mile away and will give less and less and you will be frustrated, unhappy and in love with a jerk who doesn't treat you well and doesn't feel the same about you.

[joseb]

Yeah the reason I call booty call is the line "you can come over tonight". I've used the same line myself when I fancied some booty without having to bother going out so like Oboro I speak from experience.

Edited August 29, 2015 by joseb

[Gaeta]

he told me I could come over tonight.

 

And you should have told him to call himself an escort.

 

This was nothing else than a booty call and a lazy one. He was calling you in like we call in a pizza. No effort is needed, you do all the work by getting up and driving there at night and he gets free sex without lifting a finger.

 

What does that tell you about this man? Is that really the kind of man you want to let in your life?

[Brooke42]

Here's what happened. Think about it. You haven't heard from him since he broke things off and told you "I don't see us as anything more than friends" (first off all, NO guy would ever say that to a girl who he was even semi interested in being with or dating down the road. It's such a lame line to end things but is very definitive if after 2 dates he was ready to say that to you).

 

Now with that being said... The last time you heard from him was what i listed above... And he texts you today because....... It's Friday.. He hasn't come up with another date or any plans with his buddies, had nothing going on, and wanted to see if he could get an easy hang out session where he probably hoped it would lead to sex. He knows you were really into him based off your actions and words during your time together so the text today was to test how desperate you were to be with him and if you'd take him up on his frat boy offer.

 

Look at what he said "he told me I could come over tonight".... Like he was doing you a favor. "Yea since you're not doing anything, find your way over to my place, and sit on the couch and entertain me". Sorry if it's too honest or blunt/hurtful but I've pulled this move plenty of times in my college/post college days and there is no deeper meaning.

 

The "was just thinking of you" line is just that... A line. He might've been thinking "**** I got nothing to do tonight... Eh screw it I'll hit up Brooke and see if she'll come over".

 

Now...advice.... When a guy texts you that short notice on a Friday or a weekend and asks what you're doing. NEVER say "nothing, just hanging out" or tell him you've got nothing really going on. There's ther availability thing we spoke about earlier... Too easy for him and not working for it whatsoever.

You should've said "not really sure yet, just finishing up work or just heading to the gym... Couple of my friends are going out to ____ tonight but I haven't decided/thought about it yet".... Doing that shows him that you got other **** going on and wouldnt make him feel like he's doing you a favor by "letting you come over".

 

Following that up... When he said "so when am I gonna see you again". There are a couple routes you could've taken.

1. If you really do like him and wanna give it another shot you could've given him the challenge "you tell me.... Get creative Romeo" - playful way to see what he can come up with.

2. " what'd you have in mind? And please don't say Netflix and take in ". - that's showing he's gonna have to do more than just sit on the couch with you.

3. You could flip it so you're in control of the situation and say "I dunno, I'm not doing anything _____ (pick a day), if you wanna come by and hang out, lmk"

Sometimes a hang out at one another's place is a good thing, less formal instead of dinner. If I were you though I wouldn't go to his place first. At least if it's at your place then he's playing by your rules, he's a guest so he's not gonna assume you're having sex or staying over. At this point you need to make hike work and guess a little bit. Something you haven't done so far.

 

4. Last option is if you wanna be a ball breaker. "When are you gonna see me again? Hmmm.... Well I don't see us being more than friends tbh ". And just mess with him. That'll prolly embarrass him because he knows he told you that and knows that you're not dumb enough to forget. So he'll have to explain himself a bit before you're willing to give in to another date.

 

Versacehottie, this is for you too.

None of it makes any sense. First of all, i don't even know why he ended things in the first place. There was no reason to and the reasons he gave me were so stupid. We got along great. Everything was good.

If he did end things because he wanted to talk to more girls/date them, then why keep me around? Why would he even bother to wonder about seeing me again? If he wanted a hookup as most people say, he's hooked up with his next door neighbor before...why not call her up?

It just doesn't make any sense to end things and then try to see me. Like maybe he wants to talk to me in person about stuff too? I'm not trying to get my hopes up about it, I'm just really confused.

I wasn't gonna try to scare him away by asking him to get coffee with me and then asking him what we are. I was gonna ask him to go somewhere and then tell him how I feel because I thought it would make me feel better and it would leave everything out in the open. Like ask him "why did you act like you were going to try so hard to be with me and then just give up" and also tell him the way I felt about him. That I would have always been there for him. I don't get it, if he didn't want to date me...why would he still want to see me? It would make more sense for him to just let me go.

And yeah, the liking girl's pictures thing. I just think that's who he is. He did it all the time when we were dating. But last night it bothered me because he recently followed this girl and he was liking her pictures from up to a year ago. I know she lives near him, and she's drop dead gorgeous. All her pictures look like they could be in a magazine. It just tortures me to think about it:(

Well, I haven't heard from him yet today so who knows what's happening. i still really care about him. I'm upset at myself for believing he was ever actually serious about me.

[Brooke42]

I could see this whole situation being really traumatic for me emotionally.

Because he's making me think he still cares, even it's just a little. That's gonna have me hold onto him and be tortured to wonder what he's doing on the weekends (probably out with some girl) that will kill me.

I'm the kind of person that doesn't let people go easily. I hold out hope until I'm 100% sure it will never work as long as I live. And every day that he doesn't text or call I'll wonder what's going through his head, whether or not he's thinking of me, why he would ever want to leave me, who he's with, ect. In a way, the logical thing to think would be that he did not want to be with me because he didn't think he could take it past friends. But then texting me and telling me he was thinking about me, gives me that tiny bit of hope and I don't know what to think about it.

 

In a little over a month, he leaves for 3-4 months. That's why I'm not sure if I should really give him a piece of my mind and tell him how I feel before he leaves or not. Or if I should write to him while he's gone.

 

It will just kill me to always wonder what if. I don't even know if it's worth my time to try and get him back, or spend my time caring about him. But what happened yesterday makes me just want to get him in person, sit him down and be like "ok what do you really want? If you don't want to be with me then tell me so I can let you go, if you're not sure then tell me so we can work through it."

Because as of right now I have no earthly idea how he feels about me, why he's not trying to make it work, ect. And that's probably what bothers me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Versacehottie, this is for you too.

None of it makes any sense. First of all, i don't even know why he ended things in the first place. There was no reason to and the reasons he gave me were so stupid. We got along great. Everything was good.

If he did end things because he wanted to talk to more girls/date them, then why keep me around? Why would he even bother to wonder about seeing me again? If he wanted a hookup as most people say, he's hooked up with his next door neighbor before...why not call her up?

It just doesn't make any sense to end things and then try to see me. Like maybe he wants to talk to me in person about stuff too? I'm not trying to get my hopes up about it, I'm just really confused.

I wasn't gonna try to scare him away by asking him to get coffee with me and then asking him what we are. I was gonna ask him to go somewhere and then tell him how I feel because I thought it would make me feel better and it would leave everything out in the open. Like ask him "why did you act like you were going to try so hard to be with me and then just give up" and also tell him the way I felt about him. That I would have always been there for him. I don't get it, if he didn't want to date me...why would he still want to see me? It would make more sense for him to just let me go.

And yeah, the liking girl's pictures thing. I just think that's who he is. He did it all the time when we were dating. But last night it bothered me because he recently followed this girl and he was liking her pictures from up to a year ago. I know she lives near him, and she's drop dead gorgeous. All her pictures look like they could be in a magazine. It just tortures me to think about it:(

Well, I haven't heard from him yet today so who knows what's happening. i still really care about him. I'm upset at myself for believing he was ever actually serious about me.

 

Actually, it makes perfect sense for a single guy who doesn't want to commit to you. He doesn't have to make any effort and he can still maintain that you're only friends so don't expect anything more. Is it fun for you? No. So don't enable it by falling for it.

 

You need to ignore this guy. He's not going to give you what you want.

[losangelena]

Well, I haven't heard from him yet today so who knows what's happening. i still really care about him. I'm upset at myself for believing he was ever actually serious about me.

 

Why are you upset at yourself? Why aren't you upset at HIM?

 

Brooke, honestly, please stop trying to make sense of his actions. You sound incredibly naive about the gap that can exist between a person's stated intentions and their true intentions. Yes, it is entirely possible that this guy can want nothing substantial with you but still talk to you. But the WHY doesn't matter. What matters in this moment is whether or not YOU are willing to put up with this kind of behavior. Do you want a man (or anyone) treating you this way? If not, then YOU walk away. You make that decision for yourself. Who cares what this guy's intentions are; clearly his intentions towards you are not above board, so it's time to jettison him from your life.

 

Also, have you heard the term "future faking?" Read up, please: Future Faking Is Like The Emperor?s New Clothes | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[Gaeta]

Brooke: You need to toughen up. How are you ever gonna survive this life if you are in this much emotional distress after only 2 dates.