I'm on the verge of losing it

[Gaeta]

It just makes me feel like crap because I met him at the worst possible time in life and he couldn't even try to hang in there and stick it out with me.

He always said I was worth waiting for. Doesn't make sense as to why he would quit...

 

Your problems are yours only to solve.

 

What you did is use him as a crutch - a band-aid on your wound.

 

You unloaded all of your emotional baggage on a poor guy you met only 2 times.

 

Now is time to get a hold on yourself. What ever problems you have SOLVE THEM. Then when you can walk on your own in this life THEN go meet someone.

[fitnessfan365]

You're talking about this guy like you've been in a long relationship with him mentioning hard times, etc.. But really, you've only had two dates. As always, texting seems to cause major problems in dating. People obsess over response time, if a text has a double meaning, etc..

 

I personally think that if more people just used texting for logistics to make plans and focused on actual dates, they'd have a much easier time. My advice? Back off a bit Brooke. Allow the guy to reach out to you and actually make plans.

[ExpatInItaly]

It just makes me feel like crap because I met him at the worst possible time in life and he couldn't even try to hang in there and stick it out with me.

He always said I was worth waiting for. Doesn't make sense as to why he would quit...

 

It is not his (or anyone else's) responsibility.

 

Your problems are not his to fix.

 

He likely sensed that you are not ready to date and decided to move on. No man wants to deal with a woman they barely know offloading their emotional struggles on them, especially one they hardly know.

 

Sorry, but that's reality.

[JADIE]

It just makes me feel like crap because I met him at the worst possible time in life and he couldn't even try to hang in there and stick it out with me.

He always said I was worth waiting for. Doesn't make sense as to why he would quit...

 

He doesn't owe any loyalty to a girl he went on two dates with! The only thing he owed you was an explanation of his assessment of the potential of a relationship, which he was kind enough and man enough to give you. It makes absolute sense for him to quit...why would he want to tie himself to you for months or years to help you work your way through your problems, after TWO DATES? "Worth waiting for"...he was just date-talking...he probably said that on your first date, meaning it was worth the time it took to get your schedules matched for a meet-up, not for a lifetime of commitment based on texting for a month. Stand back and look at this thing from a reality perspective. You're expecting a stranger to be your emotional support while you work through the fallout from a previous relationship? That is not realistic at all. I'd be worried about HIM if he bought into that scenario.

 

Seriously, you really should consider some individual counseling to turn your thought patterns around. I've had periods in life (divorce, trouble with my teenaged daughter etc) where therapy really helped me get my perspective back and my head above the clouds of confusion and self-absorption. Other people can smell the desperation on you when you're that far gone that early in a relationship...turn it around so you can exude confidence in who you are and where your life is going. THAT is what will attract the right kind of partner to you.

[Brooke42]

This has all been very helpful to me and I appreciate it more than anybody knows. I'm just at a really bad place in my life right now. Recent college grad, can't find a decent job so I'm living at home with my parents, no friends here because they've all moved away and literally all my friends love more than 2 hours away from me. This guy really brought happiness into my life at a time when I really am miserable. There's no way for me to cheer myself or take my mind off things. I can't call up my girlfriends, I can't male weekend plans because I have no income right now. I'm stuck. I'm so lonley. At one point I didn't leave my house for 5 days because I had nowhere to go and nowhere to be. I've never been this lonley in my life, and it feels like I really am by myself in this world right now and it's the hardest thing to deal with. My friends all have their own lives. And I didn't release emotional baggage on this guy, like I didn't say on hey I've been abused, it's just the way I thought about things were very different to him. For instance, it makes me uncomfortable when guys do nice things for me like open my door or pay for me because I don't feel like I deserve it. And he knew I thought that, and I guess it bothered him enough to have that be one of the reasons he ended things.

My point is that I'm at this really bad place in my life now..completely lonley and miserable and this guy brought happiness and gave me something to look forward to. Besides liking him for who he was I had someone to talk about my day with, someone to make plans with and someone who wanted to hear from me and be with me. And now that it's been taken away from me and I'm having to do life all alone with no particular direction it's really hard on me.

Every single one of my peers has someone to do life with and walk with them through everything and I always wonder why am I the one that has to do this alone? Everyone else has someone to lean on and help them figure out their direction in life and mine just got ripped away from me.

[stillafool]

It was just the emotional connection we had and the chemistry which makes me so upset.

We literally acted like the same person. He was so like me, more than anybody I've ever met.

 

It's just sad to know this is my fault and that the chances of being with him are ruined, because I really could see myself happy with him.

 

Brooke just because you felt an emotional connection does not mean he did or he wouldn't throw in the towel so fast on you. He wasn't feeling it and your texting him the way you did finally just turned him off to you. Now he has expressed that he doesn't want to date anymore you have to be a big girl and accept it. There is no closure to be had. Just learn from this experience and move on.

[stillafool]

This has all been very helpful to me and I appreciate it more than anybody knows. I'm just at a really bad place in my life right now. Recent college grad, can't find a decent job so I'm living at home with my parents, no friends here because they've all moved away and literally all my friends love more than 2 hours away from me. This guy really brought happiness into my life at a time when I really am miserable. There's no way for me to cheer myself or take my mind off things. I can't call up my girlfriends, I can't male weekend plans because I have no income right now. I'm stuck. I'm so lonley. At one point I didn't leave my house for 5 days because I had nowhere to go and nowhere to be. I've never been this lonley in my life, and it feels like I really am by myself in this world right now and it's the hardest thing to deal with. My friends all have their own lives. And I didn't release emotional baggage on this guy, like I didn't say on hey I've been abused, it's just the way I thought about things were very different to him. For instance, it makes me uncomfortable when guys do nice things for me like open my door or pay for me because I don't feel like I deserve it. And he knew I thought that, and I guess it bothered him enough to have that be one of the reasons he ended things.

My point is that I'm at this really bad place in my life now..completely lonley and miserable and this guy brought happiness and gave me something to look forward to. Besides liking him for who he was I had someone to talk about my day with, someone to make plans with and someone who wanted to hear from me and be with me. And now that it's been taken away from me and I'm having to do life all alone with no particular direction it's really hard on me.

 

Every single one of my peers has someone to do life with and walk with them through everything and I always wonder why am I the one that has to do this alone? Everyone else has someone to lean on and help them figure out their direction in life and mine just got ripped away from me.

 

I'm sorry for your situation but you can still call your gfs for support even though you are miles away from them. I live in VA and call my gf in CA almost everyday. You can still call on them for support. You have to get out of the house and make your own life. A man cannot do that for you as you will be asking for too much. Go to church and meet people or join a group or something. Make new friends.

[Brooke42]

Thanks everyone. I'm not sure why I put so much focus on all this. I haven't had an actual boyfriend in over a year, I've just had little flings since then..like the one you're hearing about now.

 

I guess it comes from wanting to know that I'll be good enough for someone someday. Everything always ends for me. I've ended relationships before, but lately everyone has been ending it with me and I have no idea why. I'm not an angel, but I always try and do my best to treat the guy with all the respect in the world. To listen, to be there emotionally, to be chill and fun. I've always been that way and I would think most guys would like a girl like this.

When you give your best and it's not enough, it makes me feel like I'll never be enough. And I've given my best so much that it's left me to wonder why things aren't working out for me.

I enjoyed this guy. He made me laugh, he treated me with respect, he was so kind and talkative with my parents (he met them on our first date). We had the same interests.

If you saw us on the street you would have thought we were picture perfect. Even on our first date, everyone that we came into contact with (the cashier, the waiter) told us we were a handsome couple. We just flowed together. I just can't believe someone would want to end something like that.

Then again, I know people have it a lot worse than me. And I know people are saying it could have been worse, like at least we weren't dating for 10 years and this happened.

But I almost think it's just as bad to wonder what if, what could have happened, and then to know that's your fault.

[pteromom]

It was just the emotional connection we had and the chemistry which makes me so upset.

We literally acted like the same person. He was so like me, more than anybody I've ever met.

 

Another option here is he just mirrored you. He showed the side of himself that seemed like you, or he listened to what you wanted and tried on that persona.

 

One thing you need to learn is that when you start dating someone, they are going to show you their best. Nobody is going to start out by showing you their flaws, how they handle anger, how they handle sadness, how they handle it when they don't get what they want, how dramatic they are. That stuff all trickles in once they start feeling secure with you.

 

Chemistry and butterflies are fun, but they are not the things that a solid relationship is built on.

 

It's possible the guy really liked you and that scared him. Possible he was lying the whole time. Possible he was playing several women, and he picked a different one. Possible that he just didn't feel it. Who knows.

 

But you have to remember that the person you THINK you lost doesn't exist. That person was just the bit this guy showed you + the fantasy you built up in your mind about what it would be like with him.

[pteromom]

I guess it comes from wanting to know that I'll be good enough for someone someday.

 

OK - you need to switch this thinking around. It's not about being "good enough." It's about finding the person who is right for you. We are all good enough. But we don't all match each other. Out of 600 guys, there may be ONE guy who is a match for you - who matches your communication style, your idea of what constitutes a good relationship, your readiness to be in a relationship, your values and morals and goals.

 

Everything always ends for me. I've ended relationships before, but lately everyone has been ending it with me and I have no idea why.

 

Because young guys aren't typically wanting to settle down. It has NOTHING to do with YOU.

 

I'm not an angel, but I always try and do my best to treat the guy with all the respect in the world. To listen, to be there emotionally, to be chill and fun. I've always been that way and I would think most guys would like a girl like this.

 

Sounds like you are right! You sound like a great girlfriend.

 

When you give your best and it's not enough, it makes me feel like I'll never be enough. And I've given my best so much that it's left me to wonder why things aren't working out for me.

 

Again, it isn't YOU.

There are many external reasons a guy may not want to be in a relationship. He may want to go party. Be with other women. Focus on college or professional life. Want the freedom of being single.

 

He may have messed up ideas about relationships based on his parents. He may equate fights and drama with excitement. He may equate anger with passion. He may feel antsy and anxious when things are smooth and happy.

 

He may even have strong feelings for you, but need to get away because he isn't ready to start thinking about marriage and kids and settling down.

 

There are lots of reasons people break up. Heck, think back to the times you ended it yourself. Was it because the guy wasn't "good enough" for you? Or was it because there was some kind of dealbreaker that kept it from being the relationship you wanted?

 

I enjoyed this guy. He made me laugh, he treated me with respect, he was so kind and talkative with my parents (he met them on our first date). We had the same interests.

If you saw us on the street you would have thought we were picture perfect. Even on our first date, everyone that we came into contact with (the cashier, the waiter) told us we were a handsome couple. We just flowed together. I just can't believe someone would want to end something like that.

 

Me either. But people do. People are all messed up in their own ways.

 

Then again, I know people have it a lot worse than me. And I know people are saying it could have been worse, like at least we weren't dating for 10 years and this happened.

But I almost think it's just as bad to wonder what if, what could have happened, and then to know that's your fault.

 

It's not your fault.

 

This is the whole purpose of dating - to meet different people and find the one who is right for you. Sometimes, one person will have stronger feelings than the other and get hurt. That's the price of dating. But you move on, and keep trying until you find the person who is right for you - AND who wants it as much as you do. Not someone you have to chase and sit by the phone for, but someone who is as excited about you as you are about him.

[Versacehottie]

This has all been very helpful to me and I appreciate it more than anybody knows. I'm just at a really bad place in my life right now.

 

Everyone else has someone to lean on and help them figure out their direction in life and mine just got ripped away from me.

 

If you are in a really bad place in life (which seems apparent from your posts) it is the worst time to start dating. You want to project the best and most positive aspects of yourself at this time not look for someone to save you. It is transparent.

 

I realize you have a lot of difficulties but you can grow a lot during this period. You will never have free time like this. It may not be ideal if you are lonely and broke but you can explore some of your passions and get some if you don't have any. You will need new friends by time you are dating otherwise you will still be too dependent on future guy for all your worries and to create fun in your life. Just after college is a perfect time to make friends that can be lifelong, share similar interests and are in same boat. Plus there is added benefit that spending time with them will lead you to some great guys and fun times.

 

Don't be a victim. Make a plan to get a better life. I always say to take up physical activity as one of the things everyone should do in this situation. You want to reconnect body/mind. There are so many benefits and even if you don't have money for a gym you can do a lot of free things to exercise. Some of them would be alone but the healthier you get you become more attractive physically and emotionally. You can make friends in the classes or activities too. There are meetups, free park exercise classes and nike run clubs just off the top of my head. Plus the more you have going on, the more compelling you will be to new guys.

[Brooke42]

OK - you need to switch this thinking around. It's not about being "good enough." It's about finding the person who is right for you. We are all good enough. But we don't all match each other. Out of 600 guys, there may be ONE guy who is a match for you - who matches your communication style, your idea of what constitutes a good relationship, your readiness to be in a relationship, your values and morals and goals.

 

 

 

Because young guys aren't typically wanting to settle down. It has NOTHING to do with YOU.

 

 

 

Sounds like you are right! You sound like a great girlfriend.

 

 

 

Again, it isn't YOU.

There are many external reasons a guy may not want to be in a relationship. He may want to go party. Be with other women. Focus on college or professional life. Want the freedom of being single.

 

He may have messed up ideas about relationships based on his parents. He may equate fights and drama with excitement. He may equate anger with passion. He may feel antsy and anxious when things are smooth and happy.

 

He may even have strong feelings for you, but need to get away because he isn't ready to start thinking about marriage and kids and settling down.

 

There are lots of reasons people break up. Heck, think back to the times you ended it yourself. Was it because the guy wasn't "good enough" for you? Or was it because there was some kind of dealbreaker that kept it from being the relationship you wanted?

 

 

 

Me either. But people do. People are all messed up in their own ways.

 

 

 

It's not your fault.

 

This is the whole purpose of dating - to meet different people and find the one who is right for you. Sometimes, one person will have stronger feelings than the other and get hurt. That's the price of dating. But you move on, and keep trying until you find the person who is right for you - AND who wants it as much as you do. Not someone you have to chase and sit by the phone for, but someone who is as excited about you as you are about him.

 

Thank you so much for helping me switch my thinking around and focus my attention more on who he might have ended up being, instead of who I thought he was.

He's in the military. My close friends say maybe he wanted to have sex before he left and he knew he wouldn't get it from you easily so he left. That's what seems to be playing in my mind a lot but the thing is that we talked about it and he told me he wanted to take that slow, so if he only wanted sex that makes no sense.

Another part of me feels like he couldn't handle the fact that he didn't get to see me as much as he wanted. I know he told me at one point that the only reason his last relationship worked was because she would come over every night after she got done working, so he at least saw her everyday. And in my current situation (a recent college grad trying to find a job, stuck in my parent's home) I can't do that. I told him it wouldn't be like this forever though and he told me he would be able to wait but it was starting to really bother him because he told me.

But if he knew things would be different eventually, why not try to stick it out with me? When we were together things were perfect. He told me he's always been cheated on and I never would have done that to him. I just don't get why he would give everything up, and give up something that was going so great for the both of us. Doesn't make any sense to me.

[lana-banana]

I'm coming from a place of love, so please don't take it too harshly, but this is an extreme overreaction for two dates. Things weren't "going so great" and there was nothing to "give up on"; you barely knew each other. There are millions of reasons why people call it quits early on and all of them are valid, because you should only date someone who really makes you want to put in the work. If you don't want it to work, you're not with the right person.

 

Versacehottie gave you lots of great suggestions for things to do in the meantime. Focus on saving up your money so you can move out, exercise, and pursuing your passions. Become more aware of your mental state and how you can self-soothe to improve your mood. Other men will come along when you're ready. And I promise you six months from now you won't even remember this guy's name.

Edited August 26, 2015 by lana-banana

[Brooke42]

I'm coming from a place of love, so please don't take it too harshly, but this is an extreme overreaction for two dates. Things weren't "going so great" and there was nothing to "give up on"; you barely knew each other. There are millions of reasons why people call it quits early on and all of them are valid, because you should only date someone who really makes you want to put in the work. If you don't want it to work, you're not with the right person.

 

Versacehottie gave you lots of great suggestions for things to do in the meantime. Focus on saving up your money so you can move out, exercise, and pursuing your passions. Become more aware of your mental state and how you can self-soothe to improve your mood. Other men will come along when you're ready. And I promise you six months from now you won't even remember this guy's name.

 

That made me smile.

[Brooke42]

If you are in a really bad place in life (which seems apparent from your posts) it is the worst time to start dating. You want to project the best and most positive aspects of yourself at this time not look for someone to save you. It is transparent.

 

I realize you have a lot of difficulties but you can grow a lot during this period. You will never have free time like this. It may not be ideal if you are lonely and broke but you can explore some of your passions and get some if you don't have any. You will need new friends by time you are dating otherwise you will still be too dependent on future guy for all your worries and to create fun in your life. Just after college is a perfect time to make friends that can be lifelong, share similar interests and are in same boat. Plus there is added benefit that spending time with them will lead you to some great guys and fun times.

 

Don't be a victim. Make a plan to get a better life. I always say to take up physical activity as one of the things everyone should do in this situation. You want to reconnect body/mind. There are so many benefits and even if you don't have money for a gym you can do a lot of free things to exercise. Some of them would be alone but the healthier you get you become more attractive physically and emotionally. You can make friends in the classes or activities too. There are meetups, free park exercise classes and nike run clubs just off the top of my head. Plus the more you have going on, the more compelling you will be to new guys.

 

Thanks I'm gonna try to not play the victim. It's easy for me to want to sit and mope after things like this but I'm going to try and have hope that as long as I'm where I need to be the right guy will come along.

It's hard when I see all my loved ones happy and building a life and it just doesn't seem fair. They don't have to go through what I do and it just makes me wonder why I'm having to go through this period of loneliness in my life. They'll never have to experience anything like this, just doesn't seem fair.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks I'm gonna try to not play the victim. It's easy for me to want to sit and mope after things like this but I'm going to try and have hope that as long as I'm where I need to be the right guy will come along.

It's hard when I see all my loved ones happy and building a life and it just doesn't seem fair. They don't have to go through what I do and it just makes me wonder why I'm having to go through this period of loneliness in my life. They'll never have to experience anything like this, just doesn't seem fair.

 

There is one lesson that if you learn will help you your entire life: possessing the things and relationships that you want will only make you happy for a short while. Knowing how to conduct your life happily and be happy in pursuit of your goals (with relationships and items) is the very best thing you can do for yourself. You will be able to weather whatever life throws at you. Having more money or even a good relationship is not a guarantee or even solution to creating a happy life for yourself. That you have to know how to do all on your own. Take joy and pride right now in learning how to do it. Honestly, go get some self-help books about that. I think ones that focus on action and are clear and not too wordy would be best for you. Vague ones will be too confusing. You, and most people of course, need concrete steps of what to do to learn how to teach yourself to find happiness. The irony is when you are happy, the things and people you want to be in your life usually come right there and you are good with or without them.

[lana-banana]

Thanks I'm gonna try to not play the victim.

 

Wonderful! A two-week pity party after a guy you went out with twice is much too long already.

 

It's hard when I see all my loved ones happy and building a life and it just doesn't seem fair. They don't have to go through what I do and it just makes me wonder why I'm having to go through this period of loneliness in my life. They'll never have to experience anything like this, just doesn't seem fair.

 

...what was that about not playing the victim again?

 

I was lonely like you were too. I spent nine months living at home with my parents, stashing away savings and pinching pennies until I could finally rent an apartment. Those first few months alone were dreadful! I was in a horrible mental state. I had a gorgeous luxury rental but I was so anxious and depressed I didn't decorate it. My weight dipped under a hundred pounds because I was nervous about spending money on food. I sat on the floor, in the dark, eating granola bars and weeping all day long. (It was obviously a very serious depression, but in retrospect I find it hilarious.)

 

With a lot---and I mean a lot---of hard work, I pulled myself together. In six years I'd more than doubled my salary, moved to the city of my dreams, and met an amazing man. There was a devastating, soul-destroying heartbreak in there too, but I'd go through it again tomorrow to be with the boyfriend I have now. I'm sure other bad things could happen too, but I finally feel like I have strong enough coping skills to handle them.

 

Life gets better. You just can't stop trying.

[Versacehottie]

Wonderful! A two-week pity party after a guy you went out with twice is much too long already.

 

 

 

...what was that about not playing the victim again?

 

I was lonely like you were too. I spent nine months living at home with my parents, stashing away savings and pinching pennies until I could finally rent an apartment. Those first few months alone were dreadful! I was in a horrible mental state. I had a gorgeous luxury rental but I was so anxious and depressed I didn't decorate it. My weight dipped under a hundred pounds because I was nervous about spending money on food. I sat on the floor, in the dark, eating granola bars and weeping all day long. (It was obviously a very serious depression, but in retrospect I find it hilarious.)

 

With a lot---and I mean a lot---of hard work, I pulled myself together. In six years I'd more than doubled my salary, moved to the city of my dreams, and met an amazing man. There was a devastating, soul-destroying heartbreak in there too, but I'd go through it again tomorrow to be with the boyfriend I have now. I'm sure other bad things could happen too, but I finally feel like I have strong enough coping skills to handle them.

 

Life gets better. You just can't stop trying.

 

Good story, lana-banana and should provide OP motivation. The only difference between you and other people is how they view their problems and deal with them. You can let them destroy you or you can let them fire you up and realize everyone goes through some sort of hardship or another.

[Zippy2000]

I've just had little flings since then..like the one you're hearing about now.

 

Two dates is hardly a fling. It was, er just 2 dates.

 

I believe this guy ended it for the benefit of you. Imagine he did this a year down the line rather than just 2 dates.

 

He just wasnt into you. Sorry.

[Qboro90]

First off I'm sorry to hear that this didn't work out for you and that you're going through a rough time. We've all been there so trust that you're not the first or last to go through it. Even if the problems you might have seem small to others that doesn't mean they don't feel big to you.

 

That being said I see a few things in your approach to dating that you might want to look at going forward. Take it from a males perspective..... First off you can't take everything a guy says to you when we're getting to know you, or go on a first couple dates, or at the beginning of the relationship so literally and take it to heart. The majority of the time sadly to tell you is that we know what you want to hear and will say so without truly meaning it or knowing how heartfelt you'll take it, just in order to win you over. It's a dick move but that's just what guys tend to do, I'm guilty of it in my college days as well. Especially if a girl is easily readable which it sounds like you may be.

 

Second, don't get so emotionally involved after 2 dates. Even if you were talking online for a month that's irrelevant. Even if you had went on 6 dates that month you jumped in head first with this guy because he wasn't the total abusive ******* your ex was. That doesn't mean he's the right guy for you, just means that he wasn't your ex. It's gonna be a red flag for any guy if after 2 or even a handful of dates a girl is texting me in the morning, throughout the day, expecting to talk every day and treating me like her boyfriend when in fact I'm not her boyfriend. Respect the process. Know that it comes off clingy and needy when you do those things. For every 2-3 times I text/initiate a convo or ask a girl to hang out then ideally I'd like her to ask me once, then start that over. If you're so available and wanting to know when he's free next and he knows you have nothing else going on then where's the challenge for him? Where's the fun in having something that's so eager and easy to obtain. And this isn't just in regards to sex. Even not having sex girls can come off clingy and obsessive. So in the early stages of dating you need to start thinking more in terms of "do I really like this guy?" Instead of "man I want him to be my boyfriend, he's nice and gentlemanly".

 

Every guy can appear nice and sweet on 2 dates. It's a month or 2 later when you'll really see if it's just an act or if it's genuine.

 

 

Lastly.... I think you need to use caution when dating in the near future... At least until you gain back your self worth and confidence that your ex damaged. It's not unusual at all to have a tough time finding a job post college or to live with your parents. I live in NYC and the majority of people I went to college with loved at home until their mid twenties because it's simply too expensive to move out, and took at least a year sometimes more to find the career they majored in. So don't think you're situation is that terrible... It's normal.

 

To follow that up, I fear that you'll be so eager to have someone and are looking for friendship/companionship so desperately that you will latch onto the next guy that treats you halfway descent without really knowing if he's right for you. That might send you back into an abusive relationship where you settle for less than you deserve because you'll think "well he's the only one who cared to spend time with me when I was at my lowest... No body else will want to"... That is NOT TRUE. You need to choose a BF like you choose a wedding dress. Try a bunch on, show your family and friends before you decide if it's perfect for you. If it's not, put that sucker back on the rack.

[Versacehottie]

Great post, Qboro. And see that's coming from a guy's perspective about the clinginess. He said it so well. That's the majority of guys view on what it looks/feels like to be on receiving end of girls that are too available. Fill your life, be a discerning person when it comes to dating. There is no rush. Let the cream rise to the top.

[Brooke42]

First off I'm sorry to hear that this didn't work out for you and that you're going through a rough time. We've all been there so trust that you're not the first or last to go through it. Even if the problems you might have seem small to others that doesn't mean they don't feel big to you.

 

That being said I see a few things in your approach to dating that you might want to look at going forward. Take it from a males perspective..... First off you can't take everything a guy says to you when we're getting to know you, or go on a first couple dates, or at the beginning of the relationship so literally and take it to heart. The majority of the time sadly to tell you is that we know what you want to hear and will say so without truly meaning it or knowing how heartfelt you'll take it, just in order to win you over. It's a dick move but that's just what guys tend to do, I'm guilty of it in my college days as well. Especially if a girl is easily readable which it sounds like you may be.

 

Second, don't get so emotionally involved after 2 dates. Even if you were talking online for a month that's irrelevant. Even if you had went on 6 dates that month you jumped in head first with this guy because he wasn't the total abusive ******* your ex was. That doesn't mean he's the right guy for you, just means that he wasn't your ex. It's gonna be a red flag for any guy if after 2 or even a handful of dates a girl is texting me in the morning, throughout the day, expecting to talk every day and treating me like her boyfriend when in fact I'm not her boyfriend. Respect the process. Know that it comes off clingy and needy when you do those things. For every 2-3 times I text/initiate a convo or ask a girl to hang out then ideally I'd like her to ask me once, then start that over. If you're so available and wanting to know when he's free next and he knows you have nothing else going on then where's the challenge for him? Where's the fun in having something that's so eager and easy to obtain. And this isn't just in regards to sex. Even not having sex girls can come off clingy and obsessive. So in the early stages of dating you need to start thinking more in terms of "do I really like this guy?" Instead of "man I want him to be my boyfriend, he's nice and gentlemanly".

 

Every guy can appear nice and sweet on 2 dates. It's a month or 2 later when you'll really see if it's just an act or if it's genuine.

 

 

Lastly.... I think you need to use caution when dating in the near future... At least until you gain back your self worth and confidence that your ex damaged. It's not unusual at all to have a tough time finding a job post college or to live with your parents. I live in NYC and the majority of people I went to college with loved at home until their mid twenties because it's simply too expensive to move out, and took at least a year sometimes more to find the career they majored in. So don't think you're situation is that terrible... It's normal.

 

To follow that up, I fear that you'll be so eager to have someone and are looking for friendship/companionship so desperately that you will latch onto the next guy that treats you halfway descent without really knowing if he's right for you. That might send you back into an abusive relationship where you settle for less than you deserve because you'll think "well he's the only one who cared to spend time with me when I was at my lowest... No body else will want to"... That is NOT TRUE. You need to choose a BF like you choose a wedding dress. Try a bunch on, show your family and friends before you decide if it's perfect for you. If it's not, put that sucker back on the rack.

 

That's amazing advice. I'll admit I'm a little bit naive when it comes to guys. I've always been the one to see the best in people and ignore things that weren't right. I didn't hang out with him enough to see the bad, although everyone has their demons. Some demons we can handle and some we can't..he was a genuinely nice guy. Aside from him being completely crazy for me after a few conversations, he wasn't very in touch with his emotions and I am. I like to talk about how I feel, how he feels, what he thinks about the world...and I don't think he was that person. I write a lot and he would often ask me what I would be writing about but didn't care to know much after that.

I do feel bad because I was very closed off physically from him, as the last guy I dated just used me for sex. What I mean by that is, with this most recent guy I tried as hard as I could to keep my emotions hidden from him. He liked to cuddle (which I think is weird and I told him I wasn't much into it) but I did it once in order to show him I was interested. Maybe I wasn't physical enough with him. I still feel bad about freaking out when he paid for me on our date, but I didn't think he would take it the wrong way. I figured he would like the fact that I'm not high maintenance. Maybe he just wanted a dramatic, Barbie type girl.

Most guys that I've been with liked me because I'm different. I look like a high maintenance girl (or maybe the word is normal) I do my hair and makeup everyday, I try to dress as nice as I can..but I'm really laid back and chill. I go with the flow and I'm into a bunch of nerdy stuff. I don't ever change myself. This guy liked all these things about me, but some of his behavior just led me to think he wanted someone, no offense, but on the sluttier side. He likes half naked girls pictures, lots of one night stands, a really deep sexual past, none of the girls he dated seemed like they were anything close to being like me.

It's just major confusion when someone likes the person you are and then ends up wanting to be "just friends" with you. Which by the way, I haven't heard from him since all this happened. Doesn't seem like we'll end up being friends at all, which is weird because we got along so well.

And yeah, maybe he did just tell me things he thought I wanted to hear. A lot of guys do that, which makes me wonder if guys ever mean what they say or when I should believe them. I just don't know why he would tell me he liked me so much, or be so honest and caring towards me telling me he wanted me to be his girlfriend and everything, if he didn't mean it. Imean what changed from the time he told me we would be dating before we left, to him deciding he couldn't do it anymore? In between those two things, nothing was different and everything had stayed the same. I guess I'll never know, and that's what will always bother me.

[Qboro90]

I'm gonna offer some advice and it's just the blunt honest truth and in no way meant to be rude or insulting to you.

 

You do come across as a bit naive. Wondering why a guy would say and do nice things for you if he doesn't intend to date you down the line. That's what dating is Hun. What would you have wanted? Him to be a complete dick to you on your first date and say "listen I'm only gonna mistreat and use you so just giving you a heads up now".... Lol that's not the world we live in.

 

Why would someone mislead you or not seem to mean what they're saying when you look back at it now?..... Using an extremely immature and basic example: look back when you were 7 years old and someone said "hey Brooke, you have a crush on Timmy don't you?!!" And you replied with "nooo, ew gross I don't like boys".... You said it at the time, and now you want to date boys.... Should Timmy be mad at you for giving him the wrong impression how ever many years ago that was? Moral : 1. People say things they feel at the time and then grow out of them or their feelings change. They didn't mislead you, they just don't like you enough to continue. 2. People lie. Guys lie to win girls over and get them to like us more. It's ****ty but if you're going to date you need to expect the first few weeks of it to be half genuine and half putting on their best front in order to impress you.

 

You can't take it so personally when someone goes on a couple dates with you and then decides they don't want to continue. And no he doesn't want to be friends with you, that's just a nice way of saying "I don't wanna date you but I think you're a nice person so let's stay in touch and be friends.... But he'll never ask you to hang out and it will just fade away and die"... Most guys and girls for that matter too don't know how to tell people they're not interested in a mature way without lying to them somewhat.

 

Also looking at this guys social media and forming an opinion on him based off what you saw on his feed or posts is never going to do any good. If you didn't know him his entire life then you're interpreting those posts out of context. If I were you I'd go about dating and learning about someone like it was 1980, before Internet and social media. Don't judge them for who they dated before you or what they did in their last semester.... Just get to know them and decide if you like him based of their treatment of you during your time together.

 

And don't fall so fast. It should be at least 2 months of seeing someone and going on dates before you think about becoming BF/gf in my opinion. Nothing is going to change by waiting... If he's the guy for you he'll stick around and get to know you and show you he's real and truly cares for you... And if he's pushy or disappears then you know he wasn't the right guy. But be cautious in comparisons or thinking you know what someone wants or thinks. Most of the time girls impressions of what a guy is thinking or wanting is incorrect and way overthought. On the flip side, you also shouldn't be so transparent and easy to read when seeing a guy. Be a challenge. Treat your dates like they have to win you over and earn your respect. Don't give it to them just because you had a few good online chats or texting/phone convos where he told you nice things and made you feel good.

 

Overall just know that all guys aren't *******s or will lie and disappear like this guy did. But there are a lot that are so you have to treat each one cautiously and slowly learn who they are. Just like all cops aren't corrupt... Some aren't good people but that wouldn't stop you from calling the police if your house was robbed would it? Don't give up on dating, just use your head more.

[Brooke42]

I'm gonna offer some advice and it's just the blunt honest truth and in no way meant to be rude or insulting to you.

 

You do come across as a bit naive. Wondering why a guy would say and do nice things for you if he doesn't intend to date you down the line. That's what dating is Hun. What would you have wanted? Him to be a complete dick to you on your first date and say "listen I'm only gonna mistreat and use you so just giving you a heads up now".... Lol that's not the world we live in.

 

Why would someone mislead you or not seem to mean what they're saying when you look back at it now?..... Using an extremely immature and basic example: look back when you were 7 years old and someone said "hey Brooke, you have a crush on Timmy don't you?!!" And you replied with "nooo, ew gross I don't like boys".... You said it at the time, and now you want to date boys.... Should Timmy be mad at you for giving him the wrong impression how ever many years ago that was? Moral : 1. People say things they feel at the time and then grow out of them or their feelings change. They didn't mislead you, they just don't like you enough to continue. 2. People lie. Guys lie to win girls over and get them to like us more. It's ****ty but if you're going to date you need to expect the first few weeks of it to be half genuine and half putting on their best front in order to impress you.

 

You can't take it so personally when someone goes on a couple dates with you and then decides they don't want to continue. And no he doesn't want to be friends with you, that's just a nice way of saying "I don't wanna date you but I think you're a nice person so let's stay in touch and be friends.... But he'll never ask you to hang out and it will just fade away and die"... Most guys and girls for that matter too don't know how to tell people they're not interested in a mature way without lying to them somewhat.

 

Also looking at this guys social media and forming an opinion on him based off what you saw on his feed or posts is never going to do any good. If you didn't know him his entire life then you're interpreting those posts out of context. If I were you I'd go about dating and learning about someone like it was 1980, before Internet and social media. Don't judge them for who they dated before you or what they did in their last semester.... Just get to know them and decide if you like him based of their treatment of you during your time together.

 

And don't fall so fast. It should be at least 2 months of seeing someone and going on dates before you think about becoming BF/gf in my opinion. Nothing is going to change by waiting... If he's the guy for you he'll stick around and get to know you and show you he's real and truly cares for you... And if he's pushy or disappears then you know he wasn't the right guy. But be cautious in comparisons or thinking you know what someone wants or thinks. Most of the time girls impressions of what a guy is thinking or wanting is incorrect and way overthought. On the flip side, you also shouldn't be so transparent and easy to read when seeing a guy. Be a challenge. Treat your dates like they have to win you over and earn your respect. Don't give it to them just because you had a few good online chats or texting/phone convos where he told you nice things and made you feel good.

 

Overall just know that all guys aren't *******s or will lie and disappear like this guy did. But there are a lot that are so you have to treat each one cautiously and slowly learn who they are. Just like all cops aren't corrupt... Some aren't good people but that wouldn't stop you from calling the police if your house was robbed would it? Don't give up on dating, just use your head more.

 

Thank you Yeah I'm a bit naive. I always think everyone means what they say, just because I'm that kind of person. I'm always careful with what I say and assume everyone means what they say too. I always believe the best about people.

I just know I would have been a really good girlfriend to him. I don't complain, I'm easy to please, I don't nag..ect. I don't get why he made this decision but I guess it's not one of those things I'm supposed to understand. Every guy I've been with since my ex says they're different, they're not "that guy" and they all turn out to be the same. I've had a lot of hookups since my ex but only a couple of guys I've actually gone on dates with, this guy included. They both acted like they weren't gonna treat me like crap and they did. The first guy faded away and just quit talking to me without even saying why, at least this guy officially ended things even though his reasons were wack.

I'll try to be more cautious next time. It's just hard when he fell so fast, I kinda followed his lead. It's like he got me hooked and right when I was falling super hard he just backed off.

I always take it really personally when I get rejected, like why didn't he like me, what did I do wrong? It's just hard to have 2 amazing dates with someone and then have them tell you they don't want to continue. And yeah I guess he didn't mean it when he said he did want to be friends, because I haven't heard from him. I'm hoping someday he'll realize what he lost but I don't think he will because he wasn't around me enough. However, I'm still very emotionally attached to him. I shared difficult things, I feel like I know him inside and out. It's weird to have to just drop all contact like it never meant anything. Makes me scared I'll never find that connection with someone again. He literally had my same personality, he was just a guy. How often is it that you find someone like that??

Hopefully all my bad luck is gonna start to slow down.

[Qboro90]

Don't open up and reveal things about yourself that are very personal too fast in the future... That might also be a reason why he stopped talking to you...

 

. I've had girls do that too and it freaks us out as guys because we think "whoa, you just told me that and I barely even know you... What else have you gone through if you're telling me that on a first or second date? Probably a lot of issues, better if I back off".

 

I met a girl once who it was obvious she liked me, I kissed her at a party and literally after that she starts telling me her life story about how her parents are divorced and that her dad just started dating a girl who was 22 and her mom is an alcoholic. And I'm standing there like "OKkkk.... Byee".

 

Opening up like that and thinking that "omg he's just like me, now I can tell him everything and he'll be there for me yay!!" Is exactly what you should not do.

 

Don't tell guys things like that until you know them inside and out. Don't reveal personal past history and trauma until he opens up and says something himself. Otherwise you risk appearing to be a stage 5 clinger.