Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

One of the things that really sticks out is her reply to your moving out.

She wont ALLOW you to divorce her.

She wont ALLOW you to love someone else.

She can have sex with someone else, but you cant.

 

In her eyes, you are a possession. Not a man to be respected, but a dog to be owned that rolls over and obeys when slapped. However.....

 

If you constantly beat/mistreat a dog, the dog will do one of three things.

 

1) roll over and die.

2) run away and find another owner that will treat them well.

3) bite you back

 

No sense in dying. Number 2 and 3 sounds like good options to me.

 

You are on your way to your Second Life. Relax and go with it.

 

66, your post made me laugh, I posted a month or more ago that she does treat me like property and not as a husband. She doesn't want to lose me but she always wants to be in absolute control. I think your right option 2 or 3.

[S2B]

Leave her with little money to access.

 

You need her to get uncomfortable!

 

 

And even when you're moved, drop by unannounced and you're likely to get the hard evidence you're looking for.

[sandylee1]

There's an awful lot of entitlement in her. When go back to how she said she thought you were having an affair... I call BS on that. There is no way she wouldn't have sought proof and made your life hell. She's way to controlling to do nothing.

 

On what planet does she think her permission is required for divorce ?? Not planet earth.

 

The control HAS TO STOP. Don't stand her nonsensical behaviour.

 

I hope you do seperate.....I'm not sure you'll go through with it...but I hope do. You need a clear head and breathing space.

[merrmeade]

S2B, No I don't want you to quit posting, I consider you a friend and I need to hear the truth. I want to Thank You for your support and compassion you have shown me here. Do not change who you are or what you think is right. I am a big boy and I will get over this, I am getting stronger everyday. I know that what my Wife is doing is ridiculously obvious to everyone here, but me...

 

I have had the crapped kicked out of me in life , but I am still standing and this mess is the last piece of the puzzle that I need to fix and I will fix it. I need to hear the unadulterated truth if I am going to move forward in my crazy life. Thanks LS

 

I was pointing out what was obvious to me knowing it may not be obvious to you.

 

Sorry if I hurt you in stating the obvious. I know you don't need more pain.

 

I can stop posting what's obvious to me if you want that.

 

S2B, I could have saved myself a lot of money and just had you as my counselor.

 

I'd like to point out the obvious here, BDT.

1 - You are super, super vulnerable right now.

2 - People in your position can be more easily influenced, especially by others with strong agendas.

3 - We don't really know anyone on LS.

4 - You said you didn't want to tell your T about what happened with your wife, which means you're processing all of the wife stuff here.

 

BDT, please don't make anyone on LS your counselor. You have one, and imho you shouldn't hide anything from him.

 

This is an anonymous forum. You don't know anything about any of us and 'it's obvious' to me that you tend to trust and respect everyone. I think you should protect yourself from letting anyone 'take charge' of your 'program.' It is also 'obvious' to me that threatening to go away and stop posting is a ploy to make you feel guilty and beholden. Also, a red flag should go up for you when anyone, who's not a professional, doesn't live with you and only recently joined the site, claims to know the truth and is "stating the obvious" about you, your life and the people in it. Just don't let LS be the last word for you regarding your many decisions and issues.

Edited November 14, 2015 by merrmeade
Forgot to state the obvious ...

[S2B]

I'd like to point out the obvious here, BDT.

1 - You are super, super vulnerable right now.

2 - People in your position can be more easily influenced, especially by others with strong agendas.

3 - We don't really know anyone on LS.

4 - You said you didn't want to tell your T about what happened with your wife, which means you're processing all of the wife stuff here.

 

BDT, please don't make anyone on LS your counselor. You have one, and imho you shouldn't hide anything from him.

 

This is an anonymous forum. You don't know anything about any of us and 'it's obvious' to me that you tend to trust and respect everyone. I think you should protect yourself from letting anyone 'take charge' of your 'program.' It is also 'obvious' to me that threatening to go away and stop posting is a ploy to make you feel guilty and beholden. Also, a red flag should go up for you when anyone, who's not a professional, doesn't live with you and only recently joined the site, claims to know the truth and is "stating the obvious" about you, your life and the people in it. Just don't let LS be the last word for you regarding your many decisions and issues.

 

Then why don't you offer a few suggestions to him? Ideas he can implement that might invoke some changes...

 

He's given evidence that he's been betrayed for most of his life - by his Mom and then by his wife.

 

 

Suggesting nothing is much the same as not offering help to a severely wounded animal. You just going to watch it die without trying to help?

 

 

That's what we do here = offer ideas and suggestions that have changed our lives.

 

 

Sitting back and nodding in silence isn't 'helpful' on a forum that uses words to portray ideas that may help.

 

 

BDT is in severe pain from past and present trauma. The ideas he implements to change his circumstance could change things for his best interest.

 

Leaving things the same is a guarantee that he gets more of what he's used to = control, manipulation and lies from the women in his life.

 

 

I do take a firm stand on people being treated decently. If you intend to criticize me for helping then you throw out some ideas that might help him.

[sandylee1]

Then why don't you offer a few suggestions to him? Ideas he can implement that might invoke some changes...

 

He's given evidence that he's been betrayed for most of his life - by his Mom and then by his wife.

 

 

Suggesting nothing is much the same as not offering help to a severely wounded animal. You just going to watch it die without trying to help?

 

 

That's what we do here = offer ideas and suggestions that have changed our lives.

 

 

Sitting back and nodding in silence isn't 'helpful' on a forum that uses words to portray ideas that may help.

 

 

BDT is in severe pain from past and present trauma. The ideas he implements to change his circumstance could change things for his best interest.

 

Leaving things the same is a guarantee that he gets more of what he's used to = control, manipulation and lies from the women in his life.

 

 

I do take a firm stand on people being treated decently. If you intend to criticize me for helping then you throw out some ideas that might help him.

 

I agree with this.

 

People here have no malice and only want the best for you BDT. Some people continue to live with wives who cheat and take advantage....and we don't want that for you.

 

We respond to what you say and we see your wife's behaviour as neutral people. We can be very objective and while we have different views...... you'll get different responses from those who were betrayed and stayed either once or more. I don't know you...but you sound like a good man. ...whose wife has been manipulative for a long time. I would hate for that to continue. ....don't let her keep taking advantage

 

We offer support. .....and our views...that's the purpose of this forum.

[conpron5]

Did you check the phone records ?

[flowergirl14]

You sound quite a lot like myself. Always on the fence about what to do? I remember going to a psychologist in the early days after dday. This woman said Im not going to tell you what to do. This really irritated me because Im indecisive as heck. Im a second guesser too. Obviously we post and read on these forums for advice and prospective. However, it really has to come from within. I also had another counselor in the very early days tell me to line up my ducks and run! I wasnt ready to hear that. Time has been the only thing that has worked for me because my views of my personal situation and infidelity in general have evolved a lot! Whatever decisions you do make...Think of them as the best ones for you at this time given the information you know. If they are wrong well you did your best and maybe learned something from them!

[Bigdaddyt]

I am listening to everyone opinions and thoughts on my thread. I do appreciate your input and support. I do believe that everyone has my best interest at heart. I alone will determine what is best for me and my family. That said, I am ceratin that my wife has found this thread by her comments and actions.

 

We actually had a good night on Friday, but had a major fight on Saturday. I told her that I would be taking an assignment in Chicago for about six weeks for my work. She packed her bags and said that she was leaving , but didnt and went out with my oldest son who was having a meltdown(being disrespectful to her). We didn't speak until last night, when we went to a neighbors house for drinks.

 

I am going to my T today and I will talk with him about my current situation, I just know that we can not go on like this anylonger, it will destroy both of us and also damage the children.

[aliveagain]

BDT, like Dr. Phil always says, "It's better to be from a broken home then live in one." Six weeks away from each other may be the best thing for both of you. This will give you time to think clearly without too much influence/manipulation from her. She on the other hand will be thinking with a cheaters mindset which is to assume that your going away to have a revenge affair because if she cheats when away from you than so will you cheat when away from her. What will her behaviour be while you are away, does it really matter at this time? That's a big part of the issue, trust.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, like Dr. Phil always says, "It's better to be from a broken home then live in one." Six weeks away from each other may be the best thing for both of you. This will give you time to think clearly without too much influence/manipulation from her. She on the other hand will be thinking with a cheaters mindset which is to assume that your going away to have a revenge affair because if she cheats when away from you than so will you cheat when away from her. What will her behaviour be while you are away, does it really matter at this time? That's a big part of the issue, trust.

 

Alive, I agree fully with this and I will use this time away to figure out what is truly the best thing for me and the family. You are spot on that it really doesn't matter at this time. I cannot be in a relationship that is this much work and I am always concerned about what my wife is doing and with who. I realize that I deserve better. I am slowly putting myself back on track and I do not get upset like I did before. The shock effect is gone.

[turnera]

MRS. BIGDADDYT:

 

Since you are reading, let me pose a question to you. I know that, just like every other person, you have justified your actions in your own mind as something you deserve or as the right thing to do, for whatever reason.

 

But let me ask you this:

 

If you had to sit down, right now, and face your children, who are sitting there listening to you, could you explain to them what you did? Could you come up with a justification that would satisfy THEM? Is it a strong enough justification that they would agree with you, say it's ok Mom, we get it, you had to do it?

 

Or would they get that horrible, shattered look in their eyes when they hear what their mother, their protector, has done TO THEIR FAMILY?

 

And if you were to sit down with your own mother and father and explain what you did, could you do it with peace, and self respect, and feel good about yourself? Would you expect THEM to feel good about what you've done?

 

Think about it.

[S2B]

Some people in life have no remorse and no conscience. Have you considered her to be narcissistic? It may be worth looking it up to see if that identifies the way she is. If so, they are mainly only capable of considering how THEY are affected by everything ( and much more ). Assuming she knows what you've written here - she picks a fight with you? Who does that? Only a guilty person does it to you to deflect their actions. Causing a tornado around her makes it more difficult for you to target her with your truth. Either way it's crazy when anyone acts that way.

 

Is she even remotely capable of offering you her truth? Is she capable of disagreeing without a full blown fight? Why does she want to stay married to you when she doesn't act like it? Is it her lifestyle that she's afraid of losing? I'd want to know WHY she wants to be married when she sure acts like she's single.

 

Of course your kids have been molded by the patterns in your marriage; how could they not be? It appears rewarding bad behavior is normal in the family. The son disrespects Mom yet she takes him out for the evening? That's so backwards it's crazy! But I have a feeling a lot of rewarding bad behavior is normal within the household. These are already learned behaviors that your kids know from the examples set in your home. Family of origin, remember?

 

 

I'm happy for you to work far away for an extended time. Maybe you can gain clarity about what is right for you; for your future.

 

She's gonna do what she wants to do...with or without you watching and without feeling badly about it - maybe you can use this time to make a decision that's best for yourself.

 

Allowing your wife to use you for money is one thing - but allowing her to abuse you while she does it should be completely unacceptable for anyone.

 

What happened last week when you popped in unexpectedly? What about other evidence like the phone records?

 

 

I think you have a lot to discuss with your therapist today. Be honest with him. Ask for suggestions that invoke change for you. Ask what to expect from a narcissist (so you have more info) and ask what a healthy boundary should look like from your standpoint.

 

Taking action to protect yourself from MORE abuse is critical at this stage.

 

Prayers for you today BDT.

[sandylee1]

If she has access to your tech. She could have found this thread..in which case it's not a 'safe place ' for you to post anymore. She could have done a browser check and unless you browse incognito....she could know everything.

 

Think carefully and cover your tracks..otherwise she'll be one step ahead of you every time.

 

Some people decide to send PMs only to certain people once their spouse finds their thread.

[Bigdaddyt]

It seems likely that she has some how found this site. I was posting on my work laptop and with my I-phone. My I-phone has been acting strange lately with the email going blank then coming back up updating the old emails with the new. I really haven't said anything here that I would consider wrong or disrespectful, I will see what she admits to knowing going forward.

 

The other day on this thread I complained about working 12 hour days and coming home to no dinner and a dirty house. When I got home that night the house was clean and dinner was made. She asked me Saturday if I was going to talk to my online friends... I was very careful to always delete my history, but my wife is wicked smart, especially with IT. Much more so than myself.

 

If it gets too bad I will find another avenue here to communicate.

[S2B]

She's been two or three steps ahead every time anyway.

 

Using his info against him when he's trying to determine what his best course of action is now - would be a special kind of abuse.

 

But I wouldn't put that style of continued abuse passed her - she's capable of anything cruel at his expense and well being.

 

 

Protect yourself BDT...financially, emotionally and mentally. Stay strong!

[Clay]

Why do you really care? Your leaving anyhow right? I mean honestly who cares what she read. I think it sounds like to me your staying and your just trying to figure out how to handle her continued infidelity. You know there are some people that actually do live with it and learn to accept it. Sure that sounds horrible but you have to decide what you want in your life and if that is what it is then its your choice and only you can make that.

 

Me personally If I thought she was reading this I would put point blank "Stop being a Sxxx!!!!" and let her think about that but that is just me.

[Bigdaddyt]

Why do you really care? Your leaving anyhow right? I mean honestly who cares what she read. I think it sounds like to me your staying and your just trying to figure out how to handle her continued infidelity. You know there are some people that actually do live with it and learn to accept it. Sure that sounds horrible but you have to decide what you want in your life and if that is what it is then its your choice and only you can make that.

 

Me personally If I thought she was reading this I would put point blank "Stop being a Sxxx!!!!" and let her think about that but that is just me.

Clay, You are right it really doesn't matter at this point. I am flying to Chicago on Sunday. I will keep to the high road until the very end.

[Bigdaddyt]

She's been two or three steps ahead every time anyway.

 

Using his info against him when he's trying to determine what his best course of action is now - would be a special kind of abuse.

 

But I wouldn't put that style of continued abuse passed her - she's capable of anything cruel at his expense and well being.

 

 

Protect yourself BDT...financially, emotionally and mentally. Stay strong!

S2B, She has been two or three steps ahead of me, I always play by the rules like all nice guys. You know the saying Nice Guys finish last. I am just going to finish this and I will probably confront her tonight and encourage her to post here if she wants to, but I doubt that she will. It is only abuse if I continue to allow it. So I am going to have the difficult conversation with her tonight, enough is enough...finally right...

[Clay]

Clay, You are right it really doesn't matter at this point. I am flying to Chicago on Sunday. I will keep to the high road until the very end.

 

I'm glad to hear it. You don't deserve what she has put your through. Some day when she sees the quality of men that she has put in her life she will look back and realize what she lost playing these games.

 

Just remember your heading towards a new life and there are far better women out there. It took me a while but it was worth the wait.

 

 

C

[sandylee1]

It seems likely that she has some how found this site. I was posting on my work laptop and with my I-phone. My I-phone has been acting strange lately with the email going blank then coming back up updating the old emails with the new. I really haven't said anything here that I would consider wrong or disrespectful, I will see what she admits to knowing going forward.

 

The other day on this thread I complained about working 12 hour days and coming home to no dinner and a dirty house. When I got home that night the house was clean and dinner was made. She asked me Saturday if I was going to talk to my online friends... I was very careful to always delete my history, but my wife is wicked smart, especially with IT. Much more so than myself.

 

If it gets too bad I will find another avenue here to communicate.

 

 

She's likely hacked into your phone and put spyware on it. She knows your every move and conversation. Nothing is private. I wonder how she'd react if you bought a new iPhone and ditched the old one........she's still controlling you...Both overtly and covertly.

[merrmeade]

Why do you really care? Your leaving anyhow right? I mean honestly who cares what she read. I think it sounds like to me your staying and your just trying to figure out how to handle her continued infidelity. You know there are some people that actually do live with it and learn to accept it. Sure that sounds horrible but you have to decide what you want in your life and if that is what it is then its your choice and only you can make that.

 

Me personally If I thought she was reading this I would put point blank "Stop being a Sxxx!!!!" and let her think about that but that is just me.

Exactly. Who cares? And if she "is wicked smart, especially with IT," just forget it. Don't even try to play the same game. She'll just get wicked IT smarter.

 

No, the best thing you have going for you, BDT, is you—your decency, openness and innocence. What do you have to hide what's here anyway???? Your pain at discovering her shenanigans? All the emotional devastation you've been through these past months? Besides, I don't think you could hide it if you tried.

 

And if anyone would try to create an adversarial relationship around that, they've reinforced their position as abuser and, ultimately, lost. Abusers can't stand the truth of their evilness in plain evidence before them.

 

No, honey, just be yourself (why would you want to be anyone else anyway? ): Apologize for, hide, worry about NOTHING you've said and done. Just keep looking for truth and being a big daddy t.

[sandylee1]

I was just thinking....during your 6 weeks away....to verify if she's spying on you...get a new phone and insert your sim inside it. There'll be zero activity on your phone. I do not approve of spying as she's likely doing. Take some control back.... if she's so tech savvy - you need to outsmart her.

[S2B]

She's likely hacked into your phone and put spyware on it. She knows your every move and conversation. Nothing is private. I wonder how she'd react if you bought a new iPhone and ditched the old one........she's still controlling you...Both overtly and covertly.

 

Yep, true to form = control and manipulation = abuse.

 

 

Maybe a cheap burner phone would be useful? One she never gets her hands on.

 

 

Most likely she figures she can still control and manipulate you if you are in Chicago. IF that's not what you want then take steps to guard your privacy.

 

At this point giving her any new info or even access to info is like loading the gun FOR HER.

 

She seems to have plenty of time to find trouble and her own brand of fun - why can't she start working to earn her own money? The kids are old enough and it's not like she keeps a spotless house and makes meals all day long when she's home. She can work. She can start earning her own money..and she should.

 

Less time for her to party with her girlfriends while you're in Chicago.

[aliveagain]

BDT, there comes a time when you decide that you aren't going to police her, be her parent or wonder what she is doing and with whom. When you get to that point one of two things will happen, she will change her ways and do absolutely anything you need to feel safe in order to remain in the relationship including taking a polygraph now and whenever in the future you deem necessary, agree to a post nuptial agreement favoring you if she cheats again or, you just don't give a sh*t anymore and all you want is out of the relationship and to get as far away from her cheating a$$ as you can. Trust nothing your wife tells you because she is an accomplished liar, watch her actions, believe what you see.

 

This is what you need to decide while you are away. Women in Calgary would love a sensitive guy like you. If they love you here they will love you in your city. You won't have trouble meeting a beautiful, faithful and loving woman if you decide that is the path you want to take. You just need to decide, by the way BDT, don't fall for that pack her bags bullsh*t. Next time she does that help her pack. As an Italian male I almost want to apologize to you on behalf of the Italian community for your wife's actions. She is not the norm, most Italian women honour their vows.

Edited November 16, 2015 by aliveagain