Day 1 - NC What worked for you? [UPDATED]

[itsallamystery]

I think it also depends on how long you have been with that other person. NC with somebody you've been with a few months is much different than a few years...

 

I've tried and failed in the past so I cant really comment much further on it but I will confirm the obvious. it is tough, painful, and causes you to take stock of your life that you may not normally have done.

[Outofmysystem]

I cannot imagine being 8 months down the road. That seems like such a huge task, I'm impressed with your strength. I've got to the point where I feel like I don't know this man any more. Isn't that strange? You go from being so close in an affair, saying the same things, texting at the same time. Our joke was that we were brain twins. Now I don't recognize him. He bought a new car, and a dog...didn't tell me until after the fact. His life was moving on and I wasn't in it. Amazing that he managed to do this despite being so snowed under at work that he didn't have time for "us". That was the eye-opener for me, the "hit you straight in the face" moment. It hurts like heck, and even more so that he seems to be oblivious. In fact, he even sent me some cute photos of the puppy over the weekend. Nice. Didn't hurt at all.

 

 

Thats funny, my MW bought a puppy too....I thought it was an easy diversion for emotions that she can have in the open and not feel like she is hiding anything from the H.....and yea, I had the same reaction as you....

[Ophelia25]

Oh, I can't wait to feel angry! All the zen-ish things say anger doesn't help you move on, blah, blah, blah, but I think if I could be mad about it maybe I could stop being so hurt and miserable and blaming myself for everything. This is his fault, too. And he is the one who made the NC decision. Good decision. How can I be mad at him for making the right decision? He did do it really lamely, with a lot of crap about being too busy, too distracted, etc. instead of good reasons. But he probably did that to hurt me less. Jerk. Yeah, want to be angry.

[trailrunner1975]

When you feel at your weakest and want to let down your guard, remember how you felt when they treated you worse than garbage. When they strung you along and you were treated like you wefe crazy for some of your reactions to their bs. Also remember there is no going back, period. And being so- called friends afterwards is bs too. Take on a new time- consuming hobby- I cannot stress that enough.

[Rigby]

Can't believe that 3 months after ending this relationship, the game of push me/pull you is still going on. I need to shape up and get some backbone. This man is trying to dangle me on a thread with declarations of love and "I just need to finish this deal"...followed by a couple of crumbs thrown my way. I finished it in August and have had very little contact but he still says this stuff. It makes it so hard to emotionally detach, grieve and move on. He doesn't want me, but also doesn't want me to go. Man, it hurts!

 

This is my xmm. Serious, and presumably sincere, promises and commitments followed by conduct that tells me unequivocally that I am tertiary at best in his life. I think they mean it when they say it, they just never mean to act on it. They like having someone to text and call when they need someone to listen to and adore them, and their egos love that they can affect a woman in this way. Stay NC, and tell me to stay NC. I stuck through it with mm for 8 (count 'em) years, and here I am.

[Rigby]

PS - this is a portion of an entry of another blog. She's talking about the pain of NC and recovering, and this part about getting into contact with yourself resonated with me so much:

 

the only thing that I can do is find a love for myself. A love that didn’t exist before him or even with him. A love for a part of me that I never gave love to. That’s the woman inside of me who didn’t feel she was good enough for a real relationship. I need to build her up. In my no contact with him I need to have contact with her. The real me that has been hiding away. I need to heal her so that I can find true love to come into contact with. Then not talking to him won’t matter. I can depend on myself for all the answers to questions I asked him. I can rely on myself for a lot of what I thought he gave to me but never did. But it hurts during the process though. Oh hell how it hurts. But no contact is a gift that he had given to me. I no longer feed this unhealthy part. I am free finally without worrying about when he will call, or when we will see each other again. When I long for him I know it’s the illusion of him that I am missing. I no longer feed this unhealthy part. I am free finally without worrying about when he will call, or when we will see each other again. When I long for him I know it’s the illusion of him that I am missing.

 

I hope that helps you too.

[Outofmysystem]

I can say, since there are more women on here then men, it's harder to get a read on what to do as a man....especially since I (MM) didn't initiate NC, she (MW) did.....and my A was 6 years.....working out, family and work again provide distractions, but it is very, very hard for her not to be in my head and slowly "cutting" up my heart on a daily basis. My NC came 2 1/2 months ago (even though I have seen her a few times to try and get an explanation for, to me, what seemed sudden and out of no where) but even with the good days, there are bad as well....this is the hardest thing that I have done and the context of the whole "selfish affair" stuff makes it worse.....I thank everyone on here for the stories, they do help....but I adore her in every way and all of this is just very, very hard.

[Popsicle]

I can say, since there are more women on here then men, it's harder to get a read on what to do as a man....especially since I (MM) didn't initiate NC, she (MW) did.....and my A was 6 years.....working out, family and work again provide distractions, but it is very, very hard for her not to be in my head and slowly "cutting" up my heart on a daily basis. My NC came 2 1/2 months ago (even though I have seen her a few times to try and get an explanation for, to me, what seemed sudden and out of no where) but even with the good days, there are bad as well....this is the hardest thing that I have done and the context of the whole "selfish affair" stuff makes it worse.....I thank everyone on here for the stories, they do help....but I adore her in every way and all of this is just very, very hard.

 

I think anytime you're dealing with a married AP who has not been forced into NC by a Dday, the explanation of why they want to end things (or go NC) is because you are married or because they are married, and they don't want to be in an affair anymore. Maybe they were okay with it before, but now they are not. It just got to be too much.

[EdibleWoman]

I think anytime you're dealing with a married AP who has not been forced into NC by a Dday, the explanation of why they want to end things (or go NC) is because you are married or because they are married, and they don't want to be in an affair anymore. Maybe they were okay with it before, but now they are not. It just got to be too much.

 

Affairs are also necessarily dislocating. They uproot your core of who you thought you were and make you question everything. And if they don't turn out well (remarriage and happily ever after), which most of them don't, they cause absolute destruction. So even though you may have "moments" of happiness in an affair, the long term outlook is bleak and it is best to get away.

[privategal]

I can say, since there are more women on here then men, it's harder to get a read on what to do as a man....especially since I (MM) didn't initiate NC, she (MW) did.....and my A was 6 years.....working out, family and work again provide distractions, but it is very, very hard for her not to be in my head and slowly "cutting" up my heart on a daily basis. My NC came 2 1/2 months ago (even though I have seen her a few times to try and get an explanation for, to me, what seemed sudden and out of no where) but even with the good days, there are bad as well....this is the hardest thing that I have done and the context of the whole "selfish affair" stuff makes it worse.....I thank everyone on here for the stories, they do help....but I adore her in every way and all of this is just very, very hard.

 

I think its universal and not gender specific when it ends...I think its guilt and that losing control of boundaries and the feeling your destroying the marriages and going to cause pain and shame upon being discovered that makes a person want to stop overnight.

My AP also stopped overnight and it wasshocking like a switch but the guilt had been piling up...he did love me but he loved her differently and eternally...they took vows...for us...it wasn't worth breaking a family and a marriage...we didn't plan on leaving and the risk was so great. She found out a year after it was over. Pics that were deleted were still in the cloud. They didnt divorce but they still have issues and we were so careful and never dreamed anyone would know or be hurt. This is best for you. Love from a distance.

[Outofmysystem]

Privategal....thank you for the reply, this, and her have seemed like a 180 switch as well....we had a fight over something stupid, didn't talk for a couple of days and when we did, she told me that everything had changed....she cried, wasn't "emotionally" there anymore, felt guilt not for her H, but just guilt....and she didn't like herself.....and that has been it.....she says she's "numb" when it comes to us, no good feelings, no bad.....

 

Ediblewoman and Popsicle....thank you too, I'm sorry I haven't told my story, I did type it up only to delete and not post.....but you both make great points....and I don't mean to hijack the thread, but even though I (we) know this about our affairs, the pain of loosing them is still very real.....I miss talking to her very much because she was my best friend as well as my AP....top that off with perfect chemistry and its a potent thing to have to deal with now that it's gone.....

 

But thank you for the kind responses.....

[Popsicle]

Ediblewoman and Popsicle....thank you too, I'm sorry I haven't told my story, I did type it up only to delete and not post.....but you both make great points....and I don't mean to hijack the thread, but even though I (we) know this about our affairs, the pain of loosing them is still very real.....I miss talking to her very much because she was my best friend as well as my AP....top that off with perfect chemistry and its a potent thing to have to deal with now that it's gone.....

 

But thank you for the kind responses.....

 

You're welcome. I hope that with time and becoming informed, you slowly begin to see that the affair has a decreasing value, which will help you get over it.

[Dylon]

Affairs are also necessarily dislocating. They uproot your core of who you thought you were and make you question everything. And if they don't turn out well (remarriage and happily ever after), which most of them don't, they cause absolute destruction. So even though you may have "moments" of happiness in an affair, the long term outlook is bleak and it is best to get away.

 

Totally agree. You said a mouthful with few sentences. It's why there's the mentality of trying to keep it going based on only current feelings at the moment. It breaks apart when there's a talk of the future. I'm the MM and the OW and I knew the reality of the destruction when and if it ends so subconsciously, we justify the notion that "we have today, who needs tomorrow". We ride on the happiness as something that we both need.

 

Great feedbacks for this thread. To

[Dylon]

A

I can say, since there are more women on here then men, it's harder to get a read on what to do as a man....especially since I (MM) didn't initiate NC, she (MW) did.....and my A was 6 years.....working out, family and work again provide distractions, but it is very, very hard for her not to be in my head and slowly "cutting" up my heart on a daily basis. My NC came 2 1/2 months ago (even though I have seen her a few times to try and get an explanation for, to me, what seemed sudden and out of no where) but even with the good days, there are bad as well....this is the hardest thing that I have done and the context of the whole "selfish affair" stuff makes it worse.....I thank everyone on here for the stories, they do help....but I adore her in every way and all of this is just very, very hard.

 

6 years was a long time. I feel for you. Be glad that it's not 10 years? More time, more hurt. I know how you feel. I'm at 2 months.

 

I too find distraction in work, family, and my interests. I've spent more money than I should to entertain myself. A bit of drinking on hard nights. Better than prescription drugs? I don't know. I figure if I keep on acting normal, it will be normal for real eventually. Privately, I question whether I know what happiness is anymore. I have the goal since NC to make everyone around me well and happy so I devoted all my time to them. Soon, I need to deal with myself somehow when I can be more reasonable.

[Ohmyohmy]

So after posting in here a couple days ago, realizing I have become totally crazily, addicted to my A/AP. I've really been questioning myself and my relationships with AP and H. I really don't want to wreck two families, hurt our spouses and children. It was never my intention to hurt anyone...I let things get way out of control and I take responsibility for that. The thought that this was a "ticking timebomb" and all the guilt was just getting to be too much. Things with H were getting worse by the minute...ugh. I don't want to do this anymore. But with that all said, just like so many others here have said, how do I possibly let go of someone who over the past 1 1/2 years has been like the sun to me??

I talked with my counselor today, she helped a little, and then I said what needed to be said to AP via email(this will be NC 3 for me)(H and I are going back to MC) AP says he will respect my decision but will always be there for me...I wish he'd say he hates me and never wants to see me again.

and now comes the devastation...so I know I'm pathetic, I got it, but I've got 120 minutes NC at the time of day we communicated the most...

Going to try putting the phone down for 30 minutes at a time, not checking to see if he reached out. OMG how did I get so addicted to a person.

Going to read to my daughter and watch a show.

I want to do the right thing...I want to do the right thing...thanks for listening.

[Outofmysystem]

Ohmyohmy, don't beat yourself up....I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone in obsessing....I love my AP MOW and I do the same.....don't know if that helps any......hang In there

 

Dylon, thanks for the comments....it's only been the last 2 1/2 months that have been tough, but I know what you mean, thank you.

[WestEndGirl]

I think anytime you're dealing with a married AP who has not been forced into NC by a Dday, the explanation of why they want to end things (or go NC) is because you are married or because they are married, and they don't want to be in an affair anymore. Maybe they were okay with it before, but now they are not. It just got to be too much.

 

I went NC for a while to sort things out -- MM was aware of this, so it's not like I disappeared. And I just needed time. Time to process a realization: even if he were divorced, it wouldn't work out.

 

It was something he said. He wasn't in love with his W, but he intended to stay even though their M was only on paper. Because, g_d. No, really. "The Bible tells me so." If his M ended, it would have to be his W's decision. That fundamentally conflicts with how I believe.

 

Imagine, theoretically, his W had enough and filed, and he was free to be with me. So then we end up together, and eventually, he's unhappy and wants to leave, but because he feels "obligated" (again, because, g_d), how would I ever know this? How would I feel being with a man who wouldn't cut the cord, based on some Biblical principle that I don't ascribe to?

 

You have to trust someone enough to know they're with you because they want to be with you, and not because they feel "obligated" to be with you. And I didn't trust him like that--I don't.

 

Anyway, I needed some time to process this and accept the fact that we were just too different to make it on the "outside".

[Popsicle]

I went NC for a while to sort things out -- MM was aware of this, so it's not like I disappeared. And I just needed time. Time to process a realization: even if he were divorced, it wouldn't work out.

 

It was something he said. He wasn't in love with his W, but he intended to stay even though their M was only on paper. Because, g_d. No, really. "The Bible tells me so." If his M ended, it would have to be his W's decision. That fundamentally conflicts with how I believe.

 

Imagine, theoretically, his W had enough and filed, and he was free to be with me. So then we end up together, and eventually, he's unhappy and wants to leave, but because he feels "obligated" (again, because, g_d), how would I ever know this? How would I feel being with a man who wouldn't cut the cord, based on some Biblical principle that I don't ascribe to?

 

You have to trust someone enough to know they're with you because they want to be with you, and not because they feel "obligated" to be with you. And I didn't trust him like that--I don't.

 

Anyway, I needed some time to process this and accept the fact that we were just too different to make it on the "outside".

 

Some of them don't even need God to be the source of motivation, they feel the same obligation anyway without God. It's all so familiar.

 

And, to be frank, I'm not even sure if "obligation" is the correct source because it just doesn't make sense. I think it's more fear of something unspoken, or fear of the unknown.

 

There is nothing left to conclude but that he doesn't love the OW. He's just entertaining himself.

[WestEndGirl]

And, to be frank, I'm not even sure if "obligation" is the correct source because it just doesn't make sense. I think it's more fear of something unspoken, or fear of the unknown.

 

There is nothing left to conclude but that he doesn't love the OW. He's just entertaining himself.

 

In a lot of cases, money is a huge factor. My male friend who's finally divorcing admitted that he had to have reached a certain income level before he felt comfortable leaving the M. It wasn't because he didn't want to downsize or lead a more modest lifestyle; he literally was afraid of not being able to have enough to retire on in the future because his future ex intends to suck his assets as dry as she can (she rarely worked throughout the M). When it comes to survival, sometimes you do what you have to do.

 

Now, I didn't ... I lost everything and more. But that's how strongly I feel about living genuinely. I'm willing to take those chances, and it turned out okay in the end!

[make-this-stick]

Day 6 here of NC part 2. This is tough, the longest amount of time when we haven't talked. It is incredibly hard not to think of this mess and how we went from such a caring relationship to this. I feel resentful, sad, angry; but not enough to break NC. Strangely it is a relief to realize that this man was not perfect. I spent a long time amazed by his kindness, compassion, sense of fun and willingness to speak freely. I couldn't see how we would ever be able to walk away from each other, but it's amazing how situations and priorities change. At the end of the day, he's just like every one else and that makes this easier. Work, coaching, dog...all became more important. All of his decisions bumped me further and further down the list. However, what I really resent though were his declarations of love for me and "us" at the end, and using the excuse of his failure to take care of that to end the relationship. What a wimp.

 

Sorry, just needed to vent today. Better to winge here than contact him, right?

[Sunshine33]

NC is the most important thing you can do, and you must do it for your own healing/survival/future. You must.

 

 

Here are the things I did to get me launched:

1 - blocked his number (even though I wouldn't know if he texted, and he wouldn't know I'd blocked, it helped me escape the addiction, even for a few hours at a time...you can unblock it in weak moments to feel the connection, but DO NOT CONTACT him)

2 - eventually once NC began to work and he started communicating with me, I changed his name in my phone to things like "A Confused and Hurtful Person" or "NO CONTACT <scary face emoji.". Then, when I would receive a message, instead of my heart leaping at seeing his name, I would ground in "a confused and hurtful person" says..., or "NO CONTACT". Sounds like a stupid mind game, but stupid mind games are the way to move through the minutes that feel like months.

3- I believed to the root of my being that my path was going to lead to happiness and love, no matter what. Him or no him. And I could not get on that path unless I moved out of the pain and awfulness where our relationship was.

4- I freed him to make his choice. Bitter? Sure. Pissed as hell? Yup. Disgusted? Yep. But it was his life to lead, his choice to make, and, having loved him deeply, I wanted him to make the choice that was right for him.

5- Pamper the heck out of yourself. New clothes. A makeover. Whatever. I forced myself to honor myself, outside and in, even though I felt like vomiting.

6- Made lists. Why I Am Angry list. How to Feel Better list. Lists I could write or re-read when I felt a particular way.

 

 

I will never forget how difficult those times were. Never ever. One of the things they say about NC is it creates the void/energy to draw them back to you, if that is meant to be. For us, it worked out that way, but not without a lotttttttttttt of pain for us both. The pain was purifying and strengthening. Stay strong. Your life and future depend upon it.

[WestEndGirl]

4- I freed him to make his choice. Bitter? Sure. Pissed as hell? Yup. Disgusted? Yep. But it was his life to lead, his choice to make, and, having loved him deeply, I wanted him to make the choice that was right for him.

 

This, exactly. The only way to know if a M will survive or fail is to set it adrift on its own and see what happens.

 

I can't remember where, but I read that the aftershocks of an A really start to happen a year after it ends. The mindset when one or both partners when an A is in full swing is that, "Oh, if this A goes away, we'll be happy again and things will go back to 'normal'". The A gets all of the blame. When things don't go back to normal, and the couple are no happier (and in fact, are often less happy), that's when the rubber meets the road.

[NewLeaf512]

Tell yourself that each day that person made his/her choice.

That's all you really need to know.

 

And...you could be a billionaire super-model with sexual skills and energy no woman could ever hope to possess outside of Greek legend...it wouldn't have mattered. Because it wasn't about you.

 

Future ahead, past behind....one step at a time.

 

^^ that is the one

[make-this-stick]

We met before Christmas for coffee, chatted, laughed, felt comfortable. He kept trying to hold my hand, said we needed to talk "about us". We hugged warmly when we left, and apart from a few friendly texts, that's been it. Again. I realized that I have initiated most of our communication. He's always friendly and caring, but doesn't reach out. So I am hanging up my hat. Again. Just cannot live with this carrot of hope dangling just out of reach. It's been 7 days now, and I'm struggling. I've reread this thread and you all gave great advice. I now need to take it. I see that he's never going to give me an answer, or put me out of my misery. Hope all you other NCers have had more success.

[ladydesigner]

We met before Christmas for coffee, chatted, laughed, felt comfortable. He kept trying to hold my hand, said we needed to talk "about us". We hugged warmly when we left, and apart from a few friendly texts, that's been it. Again. I realized that I have initiated most of our communication. He's always friendly and caring, but doesn't reach out. So I am hanging up my hat. Again. Just cannot live with this carrot of hope dangling just out of reach. It's been 7 days now, and I'm struggling. I've reread this thread and you all gave great advice. I now need to take it. I see that he's never going to give me an answer, or put me out of my misery. Hope all you other NCers have had more success.

 

Sometimes we just need to get back up and brush ourselves off again. Often the first NC doesn't stick and it takes multiple endings to get to that final one! Sending strength your way to keep NC!