Mount Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 To summarize what he really meant, is that he wants you and him not to have "relationship" anymore (a.k.a break up with you completely), so now it is up to you - to bow out or choose self-deny and continuing the path with him. Thanks so much for all your posts, guys Yes, this is what he does.. No lying, no promises, no "please don t leave me, i will get a D"... I think he s being fair here. Maybe i see this wrong because i m hurt. Maybe he s doing me a favour... He sent me a message last night... "I know u are hurt and i assure u i m no better either. I have no idea what to say after out last conversation, it won t change the things i said or the situation. I know that u just wanted to know if i m planning on doing something and i am. I don t know when and how but i am. I just thought that i don t want u to sit around and wait for that to happen. It isn t fair. U should never have to wait for anything in this life. I ve done enough damage. I want u to live your life and when the time comes and i will have a prospective/clear future i will look for you, i know where to find you." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Thanks so much for all your posts, guys Yes, this is what he does.. No lying, no promises, no "please don t leave me, i will get a D"... I think he s being fair here. Maybe i see this wrong because i m hurt. Maybe he s doing me a favour... He sent me a message last night... "I know u are hurt and i assure u i m no better either. I have no idea what to say after out last conversation, it won t change the things i said or the situation. I know that u just wanted to know if i m planning on doing something and i am. I don t know when and how but i am. I just thought that i don t want u to sit around and wait for that to happen. It isn t fair. U should never have to wait for anything in this life. I ve done enough damage. I want u to live your life and when the time comes and i will have a prospective/clear future i will look for you, i know where to find you." Those sentences completely contradict each other. He's going to do something but you shouldn't wait around for it? Men aren't that complicated. When they decide they are going to do something, they typically do it. He's not going to do anything. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I know that u just wanted to know if i m planning on doing something and i am. I don t know when and how but i am. How can you actually plan something with no details? His 'plan', such as it is - is about on a par with my plan of winning the lottery. Why are you still allowing him to communicate with you at all when he just spouts out this BS which causes more hurt and confusion for you? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 He is a conflict avoider basically, he wants to take the easiest path and the path that involves him doing very little and the path that doesn't involve any big difficult decisions having to be made by him. He doesn't really care that you are hurt, his aim is to make life smooth for him, not you. His thinking appears woolly because he doesn't ever want to come out with anything final, anything cut and dried. He maybe thinks this solution would be better than that one, but he doesn't want to ever put his eggs in one basket, in case he makes a poor decision and everything is spoilt. He goes with the flow, he reacts to how life pans out. If YOU told his wife tomorrow about the affair, he would deal with it, but he is in no hurry to actually DO anything by himself. That would mean he has to make a big decision and he has to be responsible and he has to live with the consequences, and that is just too big and scary for him. He may make a mistake, God forbid! It is therefore far easier for him to just string you along as a FB (no promises, no expectations), and for him to keep being a husband and father. As you are unhappy in that role, then fair enough you leave, he is OK with that. That is again a lot easier for him than divorcing his wife, so he will accept that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I have to say that I disagree that just because he doesn't leave his marriage, means he doesn't and never did love you. Hearing a story about a woman leaving a man is far different than hearing about a man leaving a woman. The truth is, a woman is much more likely to leave a bad marriage than a man is. Women are motivated by different things than a man. Women focus on creating a happy relationship and home for herself, spouse and children. Men focus on providing, hanging onto their money, and doing the responsible thing where their family is concerned. To many men, leaving is not responsible and makes them less than a man. This is why so many men cheat. It gives them relief from a bad situation, but if it remains secret, it doesn't impact their reputation. As one man on here said, he loves his OW dearly but he is not going to leave his marriage. Women make the mistake of thinking that men put the same value on love that we do. They don't. Having said all that, however, you as a woman should not compromise yourself by getting into a situation like this because it has nowhere to go. He will crush you and break your heart into a million pieces. As hard as it is, remove him from your life entirely and, once you heal, find a man who's free and happy to be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I know that u just wanted to know if i m planning on doing something and i am. I don t know when and how but i am. I just thought that i don t want u to sit around and wait for that to happen. It isn t fair. U should never have to wait for anything in this life. I ve done enough damage. I want u to live your life and when the time comes and i will have a prospective/clear future i will look for you, i know where to find you." Holy ****, I hope after this you get it finally and walk away for good. (as best as you can) an objective view - Try to take your heart and emotions out of it.... DO NOT LET ANY OF THE ABOVE make you cling to hope for 'someday'. Would you really want to wait and put your life on hold (which IS what he's asking you to do, even though he's telling you to go on with your life at the same time) for him? Or let go, then date someone else, fall in love, you're happy... then years later he comes looking for you? He has some pretty big balls to assume you'd take him back. Translation: IF my wife ever finds out about you, the affair etc, and divorces me, I'll look you up and we can get together. But until then, IF that ever happens, I'm choosing to stay married. He is selling you shi.t on your shoe!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Dela, Please think of me as you - just 20 years later - as I'm literally 20 years older than you. And back then, when reeling over a broken heart, I would have loved someone to be kind enough to give me this advice: you will heal, you will love again and that new love - the one that empowers you, is kind to you, makes you confident - will far, far eclipse this love and this broken heart. This hurts and I can genuinely say I haven't been in your shoes - I didn't fall in love with a MM and I didn't have an abortion. Those are major complications that hinder healing a broken heart. So, I don't want to minimize your hurt. But, you REALLY have to move on. He cannot offer you what you want and he has as much admitted it. Plus, as much as you love him, realize that he's not really an ethical person. He would cheat on his wife and his family. That's not honorable and honorable men don't do this. Hold out for an honorable man. Hold out for the guy who holds your hand and helps you to heal your hurts, not the guy who holds someone else's hands and causes your hurt. You need some time. Take that time. Stay as far away from him as you possibly can while you rebuild you. That means healing your heart as while as strengthening your resolve. Learn boundaries which protect you from hurt. That includes not giving a married or committed man a second glance. The includes holding any man who asks you out to high standards. Don't let your heart get involved until HE proves he's worth it. You will love again. It will be greater than this love. I can practically guarantee it. But you have to commit to making hard choices that will hurt short-term to grab this bright future. Trust me. I had lots of broken hearts and now I have the one man who healed it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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