Another stupid MM - my story

[Dela]

Hei Jenkins

Nice to finally read your story. I DIDN t have time though to go thru all the posts so I don t know the updates.

Did u end it with the OW? What are your plans regarding your marriage?

[HappyAgain2014]

Despite all the posts with support, all I'm seeing here is waffling. You seem to be taking the advice you're getting as enabling your continued behavior.

 

Are you going to be honest with your OW and wife and end the affair? Are you going to tell the OW you were acting selfishly, wanted sex and ego stroking, and have no intention of leaving your wife? Are you going to tell her she lost her boyfriend for nothing? Are you going to tell your wife the affair is over? That you're going to stop feeling entitled and sorry for yourself? That she's the real victim?

 

With all due respect, I don't see any of this. You're the victim. You're the one who has to choose. You're the one who "has to get through this." None of these beliefs mean you are remotely close to accountability or a sense of stepping up to put your OW or wife first.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Despite all the posts with support, all I'm seeing here is waffling. You seem to be taking the advice you're getting as enabling your continued behavior.

 

Are you going to be honest with your OW and wife and end the affair? Are you going to tell the OW you were acting selfishly, wanted sex and ego stroking, and have no intention of leaving your wife? Are you going to tell her she lost her boyfriend for nothing? Are you going to tell your wife the affair is over? That you're going to stop feeling entitled and sorry for yourself? That she's the real victim?

 

With all due respect, I don't see any of this. You're the victim. You're the one who has to choose. You're the one who "has to get through this." None of these beliefs mean you are remotely close to accountability or a sense of stepping up to put your OW or wife first.

 

Seems this MM isn't looking for advice, more justification of his actions. Entitled, right? So you have different beliefs and wants, you should have ended it. Your wife put up with you during your depressive times and when you finally bounced back, you gave another woman the attention. Nice. And now your here getting your justification. Where does your wife figure in your self centred little world? All I see is your constant blaming her and her culture, all of which you knew way before you married her. You only want to hear poor MM go ahead and betray your wife because your entitled to, only your feelings count here, poor you trapped with a wife of a different culture. Go right ahead and cause everyone else pain, you deserve it. Right?

[jenkins95]

Despite all the posts with support, all I'm seeing here is waffling. You seem to be taking the advice you're getting as enabling your continued behavior.

 

Are you going to be honest with your OW and wife and end the affair? Are you going to tell the OW you were acting selfishly, wanted sex and ego stroking, and have no intention of leaving your wife? Are you going to tell her she lost her boyfriend for nothing? Are you going to tell your wife the affair is over? That you're going to stop feeling entitled and sorry for yourself? That she's the real victim?

 

With all due respect, I don't see any of this. You're the victim. You're the one who has to choose. You're the one who "has to get through this." None of these beliefs mean you are remotely close to accountability or a sense of stepping up to put your OW or wife first.

 

Seems this MM isn't looking for advice, more justification of his actions. Entitled, right? So you have different beliefs and wants, you should have ended it. Your wife put up with you during your depressive times and when you finally bounced back, you gave another woman the attention. Nice. And now your here getting your justification. Where does your wife figure in your self centred little world? All I see is your constant blaming her and her culture, all of which you knew way before you married her. You only want to hear poor MM go ahead and betray your wife because your entitled to, only your feelings count here, poor you trapped with a wife of a different culture. Go right ahead and cause everyone else pain, you deserve it. Right?

 

Hi HappyAgain2014, Celestial-dreamer

 

Many thanks for contributing to my thread. I really do value anyone taking the time to read this long thread and posting your thoughts and opinions.

 

But with respect, you are wrong. Here are some specific responses to your points: -

 

1. I do take ownership and accountability, not only for my A, but for the depressive period before and my inability to talk about it. That was all down to me and not in any way my wife's fault.

 

2. I agree that I am NOT the victim. Yes, I am hurting badly. But that is my fault. The real victim is my wife (and OW's BF). OW is also partly a victim, but like me, she was also dishonest and a lying cheat, so she gets less sympathy. Me, less still.

 

3. Yes. I am going to be honest with both women and end the affair. NC starts soon - OW wanted a final farewell meeting which I will post about in another thread. After that, it is NC.

 

4. Do I feel I was entitled? Not for one single minute. My actions were shameful and I feel remorse every second of the day. I did not deserve my A, nor was I entitled. I know this 100% and am disgusted with myself.

 

5. And as for 'where does your wife figure in your self centred little world'. She is an amazing person who does not deserve any of this. I am going be honest with her and try to make her feel valued and respected. If we get through this, great. If not, we will try to end it properly and not by just running away to OW.

 

I'm really sorry that you came to your conclusions having read the thread, because I did try to be respectful and take ownership of the mess I created in my earlier posts. Hopefully this one clears it up a little.

 

Admittedly, there has been a lot of 'waffle' as you put it, from me on this thread. But this has really been in response to the excellent, supportive, analytical posts that I have had from posters like SummerDreams, Truncated and Heather. It has almost been like preparation for IC and has been very therapeutic. I didn't mean those long posts to in any way appear as justification for my actions, but merely to start to understand some of the possible root causes to my underlying issues.

 

Thank you again for contributing.

Edited August 18, 2015 by jenkins95

[Heatherknows]

5. And as for 'where does your wife figure in your self centred little world'. She is an amazing person who does not deserve any of this. I am going be honest with her and try to make her feel valued and respected.

 

How do you plan on making her feel valued and respected?

[jenkins95]

How do you plan on making her feel valued and respected?

 

Hi Heather, how are you doing?

 

Well, it's going to be difficult, but I plan on making her feel valued and respected basically with honesty and a genuine show of shame and remorse. Why did I become depressed? Why did I withdraw? Why did I avoid conflict? Why did I end up in an A? How can we try to make things better? I want to find the reasons myself, with the aid of you guys and IC and communicate this to her. And I will start all this with a letter, which I will encourage her to read with me.

 

It is frightening, and I'm not sure how things will go, but I feel that this is the best way to proceed for me.

[jenkins95]

I don't know what culture you live in, but a your experience and feelings are actually really common. So much so, that it has a term. Mid life crisis.

 

I think most men and women go through something similar, except perhaps not to the extent you did ( and still do). You kind of look back and see all the things you wanted to do in your life, and realize that you haven't done them, and life has turned out very differential than you ever thought it would. You can feel the time slipping away, and a sense of desperation can move in.

 

I've been there too, but for different reasons than you. Everyone who goes through this has their own reasons.

 

I had always wanted to travel, to get involved in things that we larger than myself, to write, to have time to do the things I want to do.

 

When my husband and I got married, we were both right out of university, and our first child came along not long after. Then our second. Then our third.

 

My husband joined the military, and due to his career , he's away a lot of the time, and he's the one who gets to travel ( albeit to places no one really wants to go...war zones are not exactly "vacation hotspots"), while I stayed at home. I gave up my job because my kids needed me at home when they were small, and due to circumstances I couldn't control, they still need me around and probably always will.

 

I was fine with that, at least until I hit about 42, and then I began to think about all the things I would never get to do. I felt like I was drowning in my life,and I almost felt like I was on the verge of losing it.

 

Then a tragedy hit our family, and none of it mattered anymore. We found our way forward from that, and we are taking the things we learned.

 

One of them is that life is incredibly short, and that while you may get temporary happiness from a "quick fix" or band aid style solution ( which it sounds like what your affair, albeit on a subconscious level, was for you) you need to actually address the underlying issues.

 

I went back to writing, and I have ended up being skilled enough at it that people actually pay me to do it, and I write a lot of published articles. Granted it doesn't pay a lot, but I get a lot of satisfaction from it.

 

We've been able to start traveling,and when my husband retires in a few years, we plan on retiring somewhere in the south. By then, our one child who should be able to 'launch" , and our other child will be finished high school and will hopefully be able to find some sort of work that uses his incredible intelligence.

 

If we can't do that, we'll have to find some other way to make our dreams happen.

 

My point in telling you all of that is that sometimes you have to accept that certain things in your life are what they are. You need to adapt and maybe change the things in your life so you can find happiness in other ways that are healthy and not hurtful to yourself or others.

 

Cheating, as you have learned, is not healthy, and that needs to end. That doesn't mean that you just go on in your life, as it sounds like you have reasons for your unhappiness.

 

You need to ask yourself what you want in life, and also how can you make that happen. Since you are married, and you are equal partners in each other's lives, let your wife in on what you want, and ask her to do the same for her "deep down hopes and dreams" ( hint: these are likely not just sitting at home in the same place for the rest of her life) . Figure out what would make you both happy, not just "existing". You may be surprised to find out that there area lot of ways that you can work together to make your lives into what you want them to be.

 

For example, maybe you want to see other places. You don't have to live in a place full time to do that. Vacations are great, and even with kids, they an be surprisingly affordable. Instead of a hotel, look into vacation rental by owner. That way, you can rent a house or condo, make your own meals, and still be in the place you want to be. ( that's what we do, and it shaved thousands off our travel bill). If you want to feel like you are working at something that matters, you can volunteer in your community or somewhere else in the world.

 

In short, there are so many ways you can have what you want and feel fulfilled without cheating or ending your marriage. They key is to work with your spouse and to let her know your hopes and dreams and that you want her to be a part of them.

 

I won't pretend that it's easy at first. It can be really hard to open up like that. The end results, however, are well worth it.

 

( sorry that was so long...)

 

Hi Truncated!

 

Wow, this is a fantastic, informative post, which I really value and have read many times. It really shows off your excellent writing skills too!

 

Thank you so much for sharing so much of your personal story with me and for your excellent ideas. I think I will have a lot to say about specific points you made in future threads.

 

Great to know you are making it in your writing career. I know that anonymity is so important here, but if you could PM me a link to anything you have written that doesn't reveal your identity, I would be so interested to read it, whatever the subject. I love your writing style.

[jenkins95]

@truncated: I think the OP knows he always wanted other things but he has trouble communicating this to his wife. This is the reason he is where he is today. He kept swallowing and compromising until his heart, body and soul reacted and made him find a - wrong - solution. It is actually how people who commit suicide feel and react. They are people who never say no, they dont express their opinion cause they feel weak to do so, they end up believing it's their fault people are treating them this way so one day they just cant take it anymore and they commit suicide to be "free" from this torture. I am kinda happy jenkins ended up having an affair than harming himself.

 

How are you today jenkins?

 

Whoa there...suicide?

 

All his A did was add another layer of complication to his life.

 

he even says himself that for a long time after he got married...

 

"I'm not sure why my depression lifted, but suddenly, I was happier and light enough to do things in my spare time. Previously I had no interest in anything other than sitting around watching TV and hiding my depression (so unhealthy I know). I enrolled in night classes, started losing weight (which had ballooned during my depression), meeting new people and being friendly and chatty for the first time in years. I started chatting to my tutor from the gym. She had a long-term BF, and like me her relationship was OK, but not perfect. We chatted to each other and even became a bit flirty. The fact that we each had partners made it seem OK, that nothing could come with it. Well, you can guess what happened next."

 

This does NOT sound like he was "swallowing and compromising" and that the A was some sort of life line for him. If he had started it while he was still in his depression, I might believe that line of reasoning, but he says himself he was feeling better than he had in years when he started chatting with this other woman.

 

SummerDreams, Truncated, Thanks for some more excellent thoughts.

 

Even though you disagree here, there are actually elements of what you both say that are right.

 

As SummerDreams mentioned the 'S' word, I will contribute my 2 cents. I am actually quite opposed to suicide because of the devastation it leaves. I have lost several friends that way. One of my best childhood friends ended it that way a few years ago with absolutely no warning and no one suspected a thing. He obviously internalised all his issues. He didn't have a partner or children, so he probably thought that people would get over what he did pretty quickly. But he parents, siblings, etc were completely destroyed by it and became ghosts of their previous selves. Years later, they are still shadows of the people they were, they have learned to live with it, but will never get over it. I can't believe that their combined pain is less than the internal pain he was feeling.

 

Having said all that, I was so down at points in my own depression that, had i not been morally opposed to it and had I not had any friends or family, I was down enough that I could have considered that option. I always thought suicide was a selfish, weak option and that nothing is so bad that it has to be resolved in such a dramatic way. But now, having been to some very low places myself, I do understand how people feel no way out.

 

I did feel so trapped in my depression - trapped within myself - "swallowing and compromising" as SummerDreams said, all the time. My inability to talk or do anything about it was crushing me. I even tried to use my friend's suicide (which happened in the middle of my depression), to inspire me to change my ways. Did I? Well, you know the answer! In the end, my depression lifted not from anything I did myself, but by the simple passing of time - years of it!

 

But truncated is right. My A did not happen when I was depressed. I simply didn't have the energy or inclination to do anything but survive, let alone an A when I was depressed, and I'm sure that I would have been completely unattractive to any potential A partner anyway - invisible almost. It was when I started to feel better that it happened. I felt that I was better, but I didn't realise how vulnerable I was. No excuses though. I did a terrible thing and the buck stops with me.

 

Guys, I really appreciate your thoughts. Discussing all this is great preparation for IC and difficult but so necessary talks with my wife!

[truncated]

Hi Truncated!

 

Wow, this is a fantastic, informative post, which I really value and have read many times. It really shows off your excellent writing skills too!

 

Thank you so much for sharing so much of your personal story with me and for your excellent ideas. I think I will have a lot to say about specific points you made in future threads.

 

Great to know you are making it in your writing career. I know that anonymity is so important here, but if you could PM me a link to anything you have written that doesn't reveal your identity, I would be so interested to read it, whatever the subject. I love your writing style.

 

Once you get messaging privileges, I will be happy to do so.

 

I there is one thing that I hope you can take from what I wrote, it's that life is very short, and you only get one "go round' in it. I think we all know that on some level, and pay lip service to it, but it can take something huge for it to really hit home.

 

For me, it took something terrible make that happen ( nothing to do with an affair though). Don't let that be the case for you. I won't go into details, but I will say that I learned quickly just how much depression can "lie' to you, and how bad it can get.

 

Yes, you have had an affair, which is absolutely the wrong thing to have done. Right now you have your chance to make something good come from your mistakes. It's very possible, if both you and your wife want it enough, that this could be an opportunity to make your marriage stronger and better. A big part of that is going to be honesty and facing your demons, which is going to be very tough.

 

I have a sneaking suspicion, and of course I could be wrong, that if you are 100% honest with your wife, she may well end up being an invaluable source of support for you, and you for her.

 

Get started writing your letter to your wife. Let out everything, and take responsibility for all you have/ haven't done. Give her time to process it, and then you can both see where you stand.

 

best of luck

[SummerDreams]

Hey jenkins, I hope you are doing good. I came here today prepared to become a little stricter with you and "push" you to start IC sooner than later which I think is what you need to put everything in order, but I see other posters have already put you in a hard position so I will only say once more I feel for you, I support you, I believe in you and I am sure you will find the strength to write this letter, face your responsibilities, start therapy, feel better in time. And remember it is not that bad to spoil ourself once in a while. It is ok to be the victim sometimes cause it shows you what needs to be done and how to proceed. I know people get mad with cheaters but your story is different and that's why I insist coming back, cause I see a sensitive person who never meant to hurt anyone but he couldn't find the way to help himself. I love people who can admit their insecurities and mistakes and say to the world with courage "I know I was wrong but I am here to correct my mistakes". Anyway I am repeating myself . I am here ok? Hugs.

[jenkins95]

Once you get messaging privileges, I will be happy to do so.

 

I there is one thing that I hope you can take from what I wrote, it's that life is very short, and you only get one "go round' in it. I think we all know that on some level, and pay lip service to it, but it can take something huge for it to really hit home.

 

For me, it took something terrible make that happen ( nothing to do with an affair though). Don't let that be the case for you. I won't go into details, but I will say that I learned quickly just how much depression can "lie' to you, and how bad it can get.

 

Yes, you have had an affair, which is absolutely the wrong thing to have done. Right now you have your chance to make something good come from your mistakes. It's very possible, if both you and your wife want it enough, that this could be an opportunity to make your marriage stronger and better. A big part of that is going to be honesty and facing your demons, which is going to be very tough.

 

I have a sneaking suspicion, and of course I could be wrong, that if you are 100% honest with your wife, she may well end up being an invaluable source of support for you, and you for her.

 

Get started writing your letter to your wife. Let out everything, and take responsibility for all you have/ haven't done. Give her time to process it, and then you can both see where you stand.

 

best of luck

 

Thank you Truncated, you are amazing. I will look into getting PM rights now.....

[jenkins95]

Hey jenkins, I hope you are doing good. I came here today prepared to become a little stricter with you and "push" you to start IC sooner than later which I think is what you need to put everything in order, but I see other posters have already put you in a hard position so I will only say once more I feel for you, I support you, I believe in you and I am sure you will find the strength to write this letter, face your responsibilities, start therapy, feel better in time. And remember it is not that bad to spoil ourself once in a while. It is ok to be the victim sometimes cause it shows you what needs to be done and how to proceed. I know people get mad with cheaters but your story is different and that's why I insist coming back, cause I see a sensitive person who never meant to hurt anyone but he couldn't find the way to help himself. I love people who can admit their insecurities and mistakes and say to the world with courage "I know I was wrong but I am here to correct my mistakes". Anyway I am repeating myself . I am here ok? Hugs.

 

Thank you SummerDreams! Wow, it's amazing! I don't post for a few days, then as soon as I return, I get posts from you, Truncated and Heather within minutes! You are absolutely amazing guys. Please know that you are making a real difference and I now have a definite plan of action where previously there was only confusion. Please keep posting. Need you guys and I feel you there. I'm there for you too.

 

Yes I do understand that some people on here want to attack cheaters, and in their posts I feel the pain that someone like me probably inflicted on them, so I totally understand and respect their posts just as much as the supportive ones, and they give me a deserved jolt of shame.

 

But of course, for my own support and recovery, the supportive posts are what I really need and what I value so much. Thank you, you are priceless!

[ladydesigner]

Hey jenkins, I hope you are doing good. I came here today prepared to become a little stricter with you and "push" you to start IC sooner than later which I think is what you need to put everything in order, but I see other posters have already put you in a hard position so I will only say once more I feel for you, I support you, I believe in you and I am sure you will find the strength to write this letter, face your responsibilities, start therapy, feel better in time. And remember it is not that bad to spoil ourself once in a while. It is ok to be the victim sometimes cause it shows you what needs to be done and how to proceed. I know people get mad with cheaters but your story is different and that's why I insist coming back, cause I see a sensitive person who never meant to hurt anyone but he couldn't find the way to help himself. I love people who can admit their insecurities and mistakes and say to the world with courage "I know I was wrong but I am here to correct my mistakes". Anyway I am repeating myself . I am here ok? Hugs.

 

Please OP, don't ever view yourself as a victim when you are the perpetrator. It is one of many things my WH has went about wrong post Dday. Your wife is the real victim here and should be treated as such.

 

I have not read the entire thread only bits and pieces, but to the OP I would suggest some intensive IC for you and NC for the OW until you can see more clearly. Your judgement will always be clouded with 2 people in the picture. Until you find some clarity for yourself, I fear it will only be more confusion and heartache until it ends with the OW or with your wife.

[qubist]

Jenkins: you are doing the right thing and doing the right way. Other than inventing a time machine that would make you go back in time a correct your mistake, this is the absolute right way to handle this. You could've chosen the easy way out but instead you went with the rocky and hard way through honesty, I really commend you for that and wish you all the good luck.

I wish that your wife would one day appreciate that and love you even more. Please keep in mind that she might not be able to do so immediately, this is just a start and you will be challenged with more sacrifices, I really hope that you do your best to succeed.

I have nothing but respect for people that admit their mistakes and work on own up for the consequences

Good luck

[jenkins95]

Jenkins: you are doing the right thing and doing the right way. Other than inventing a time machine that would make you go back in time a correct your mistake, this is the absolute right way to handle this. You could've chosen the easy way out but instead you went with the rocky and hard way through honesty, I really commend you for that and wish you all the good luck.

I wish that your wife would one day appreciate that and love you even more. Please keep in mind that she might not be able to do so immediately, this is just a start and you will be challenged with more sacrifices, I really hope that you do your best to succeed.

I have nothing but respect for people that admit their mistakes and work on own up for the consequences

Good luck

 

Thanks qubist. That means so much, as did your contributions very soon after the OP. Great to have this kind of support and confidence that, despite awful mistakes, I am now proceeding in the best way.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Nope, all you have done is whinge about you and how you couldn't cope with wife's culture. And you haven't stopped the contact with OW, amazing. You should have gone total NC but you haven't. It's not her wanting to hold on, its you. If you value your wife any you won't go to this do called goodbye meeting. What a smack in the face for your wife. Put her first. Not the OW she doesn't deserve anything from you. I cant believe your attitude in all of this. I haven't felt remorse coming off your posts, just justification. It's all about you here. It's your wife you should concentrate on, not poor you. Be honest with yourself, you came here for excuses and reasons, to justify your actions. You can say whatever you like, I'm not feeling guilt or remorse from you. Your only wanting others to say yeah I know what you mean it's all ok buddy your right in what you did. You got it too, feel better now? I bet your wife doesn't.

[SummerDreams]

Nope, all you have done is whinge about you and how you couldn't cope with wife's culture. And you haven't stopped the contact with OW, amazing. You should have gone total NC but you haven't. It's not her wanting to hold on, its you. If you value your wife any you won't go to this do called goodbye meeting. What a smack in the face for your wife. Put her first. Not the OW she doesn't deserve anything from you. I cant believe your attitude in all of this. I haven't felt remorse coming off your posts, just justification. It's all about you here. It's your wife you should concentrate on, not poor you. Be honest with yourself, you came here for excuses and reasons, to justify your actions. You can say whatever you like, I'm not feeling guilt or remorse from you. Your only wanting others to say yeah I know what you mean it's all ok buddy your right in what you did. You got it too, feel better now? I bet your wife doesn't.

 

Come on, give this man a break. He is the only man I have met in here who actually regrets what he has done deeply and tries to make this right. Most men are only sorry they are caught. Other than that, while I respect your opinion, I want to kindly ask you to consider that not all people can face and resolve issues through toughlove. There are some people like the OP who need support, friendship, justification as you say to be able to face their mistakes and try to solve them. It is a procedure this person has to go through so he finds the strength to act, and he has said it many times, that our love and support has helped his transaction to IC and coming clean to his wife easier and smoother. Do you really help him by filling hom with guilt? Dont you see he already has more guilt than he should?

 

I didnt want till now to mention his wife's mistakes in this (although she even admitted them herself) but I cant imagine my husband would go through depression and I would be indifferent about it and not care, which seems this is what she did.

 

Jenkins, I insist, do not listen to bitter people who want to categorise all cheaters like the villains. You are in a good path, dont lose your faith. You have all my support and love, even though I dont even know you,I feel your pain.

[jenkins95]

Come on, give this man a break. He is the only man I have met in here who actually regrets what he has done deeply and tries to make this right. Most men are only sorry they are caught. Other than that, while I respect your opinion, I want to kindly ask you to consider that not all people can face and resolve issues through toughlove. There are some people like the OP who need support, friendship, justification as you say to be able to face their mistakes and try to solve them. It is a procedure this person has to go through so he finds the strength to act, and he has said it many times, that our love and support has helped his transaction to IC and coming clean to his wife easier and smoother. Do you really help him by filling hom with guilt? Dont you see he already has more guilt than he should?

 

I didnt want till now to mention his wife's mistakes in this (although she even admitted them herself) but I cant imagine my husband would go through depression and I would be indifferent about it and not care, which seems this is what she did.

 

Jenkins, I insist, do not listen to bitter people who want to categorise all cheaters like the villains. You are in a good path, dont lose your faith. You have all my support and love, even though I dont even know you,I feel your pain.

 

Thanks so much SummerDreams. This means a lot to me. I do appreciate Celestial-dreamer's contributions and thoughts. It is good to hear all viewpoints and all angles, and I know that for many - here and in society in general, cheating is a black and white thing. I understand that and would be foolish to hide my head in the sand and expect a pat on the back from everyone.

 

But I genuinely do feel remorse and guilt and am not in any way trying to justify my actions, just understand them. Celestial-dreamer and others don't see or accept that, but I see that you and others do.

[ladydesigner]

Come on, give this man a break. He is the only man I have met in here who actually regrets what he has done deeply and tries to make this right. Most men are only sorry they are caught. Other than that, while I respect your opinion, I want to kindly ask you to consider that not all people can face and resolve issues through toughlove. There are some people like the OP who need support, friendship, justification as you say to be able to face their mistakes and try to solve them. It is a procedure this person has to go through so he finds the strength to act, and he has said it many times, that our love and support has helped his transaction to IC and coming clean to his wife easier and smoother. Do you really help him by filling hom with guilt? Dont you see he already has more guilt than he should?

 

I didnt want till now to mention his wife's mistakes in this (although she even admitted them herself) but I cant imagine my husband would go through depression and I would be indifferent about it and not care, which seems this is what she did.

 

Jenkins, I insist, do not listen to bitter people who want to categorise all cheaters like the villains. You are in a good path, dont lose your faith. You have all my support and love, even though I dont even know you,I feel your pain.

 

Well OP needs to start making things right. Once the A has been exposed, which it has (I think) as OP has had a Dday, there needs to be some kind of resolution. You don't keep stringing the OW along and placate your wife. I expect there to be wiffle waffling at first, but real change should be the name of the game, not more of the same.

 

There are some people like the OP who need support, friendship, justification as you say to be able to face their mistakes and try to solve them.

 

One never needs justification for an error. If he justifies this A in any way to his wife that will kill his chances of having a healthy reconciliation.

[jenkins95]

Well OP needs to start making things right. Once the A has been exposed, which it has (I think) as OP has had a Dday, there needs to be some kind of resolution. You don't keep stringing the OW along and placate your wife. I expect there to be wiffle waffling at first, but real change should be the name of the game, not more of the same.

 

Fair points ladydesigner. I ended it with the OW last Monday but she requested a final farewell meeting. I have reservations about this, but she is hurting too, and I thought that a pleasant goodbye could be good for both of us and help us start on the road to bringing about closure and start to recover. When the time is right, I will tell my wife that there was LC after DDay, but that NC followed immediately after the goodbye.

[Mr. Lucky]

Fair points ladydesigner. I ended it with the OW last Monday but she requested a final farewell meeting. I have reservations about this, but she is hurting too, and I thought that a pleasant goodbye could be good for both of us and help us start on the road to bringing about closure and start to recover. When the time is right, I will tell my wife that there was LC after DDay, but that NC followed immediately after the goodbye.

 

Slippery slope, what happens when she's - or you - still hurting after the "final" goodbye?

 

Closure is gained through separation, not meeting together. The "N" in NC stands for "no"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[truncated]

Come on, give this man a break. He is the only man I have met in here who actually regrets what he has done deeply and tries to make this right. Most men are only sorry they are caught. Other than that, while I respect your opinion, I want to kindly ask you to consider that not all people can face and resolve issues through toughlove. There are some people like the OP who need support, friendship, justification as you say to be able to face their mistakes and try to solve them. It is a procedure this person has to go through so he finds the strength to act, and he has said it many times, that our love and support has helped his transaction to IC and coming clean to his wife easier and smoother. Do you really help him by filling hom with guilt? Dont you see he already has more guilt than he should?

 

I didnt want till now to mention his wife's mistakes in this (although she even admitted them herself) but I cant imagine my husband would go through depression and I would be indifferent about it and not care, which seems this is what she did.

Jenkins, I insist, do not listen to bitter people who want to categorise all cheaters like the villains. You are in a good path, dont lose your faith. You have all my support and love, even though I dont even know you,I feel your pain.

 

I understand where you are coming from, and maybe you have dealt with someone with depression, but if you haven;t when it gets bad, it gets really bad and nothing your family, friends or anyone else does will be seen as supportive, even if it is.

 

The family of someone with depression is often left blaming themselves, when there really isn't much they could have done. His wife could bent over backwards for him, and it wouldn't have been enough. She likely blames herself for his depression 9 a really common thing) and isn't telling him everything because she's afraid to. ( again, really common).

 

she may well be thinking his depression is her fault.

 

I can't fault the op for his depression, as it's a mental illness and not something a person would ever wish on their worst enemy, let alone themselves. It likely clouded his perception to some degree.

 

He is working hard on himself and seeing an counselor, which is really important for him to do. I would suggest to him that he encourage his wife to do the same, and that they see one together.

[Sandy43]

There is absolutely no reason to have a final meeting with her, she is not the victim here she is the perpetrator and deserves no consideration for her feelings. Your wife's feelings are all that matter now and by giving in to this request you are further disrespecting your wife. If my H would have done that after dday, that would have been it, absolutely no R would have even been attempted by me.

[ladydesigner]

There is absolutely no reason to have a final meeting with her, she is not the victim here she is the perpetrator and deserves no consideration for her feelings. Your wife's feelings are all that matter now and by giving in to this request you are further disrespecting your wife. If my H would have done that after dday, that would have been it, absolutely no R would have even been attempted by me.

 

OP read Sandy43 post again and again. I agree you owe the OW nothing but a simple "It's over and I have decided to reconcile with my wife, please respect our wishes for NC." That's it really.

[GollumsNightmare]

My H had a "goodbye meeting" with the OW after dday THEN went NC (confirmed by polygraph). OMG was I pissed when I found out!! That was worse than the A itself. It felt like betrayal all over again.

 

He said he met her to smooth things out. He was in cover his a$$ mode and wanted to make sure she wasnt going to blow up his world- his job, etc. Guess what? When she realized he wasnt going to leave me, she blew it up anyway.

 

Don't.do.it.