Another stupid MM - my story

[SummerDreams]

SummerDreams, you have overwhelmed me with your kindness - thank you so much. Of all the things I expected that people may say of me, a kind, generous and good person was not one of them! You are lovely and you have put a smile on my face.

 

I do need some time on my own you are right and I do need to see a professional. Thank you so much for your guidance and I may well PM you sometime - thank you so much for being there for me.

 

Yes I do believe you are a good person who circumstances pushed him into doing something wrong. I am always a person who tries to see the whole picture before jumping to conclusions and start accusing people, and I now have more of the whole picture after your post about the cultural differences between you and your wife. Even in this post you never accuse her, you dont call her names, you accept what happened like it was your fate and this is where I see kindness. I am not going to try ti find who was responsible for everything that happened, who am I to do that. I will only insist that you start therapy and after some time I assure you you will start seeing things clearer and clearer. I know that now you feel lost in a mess but do yourself a favor and stop accusing yourself. In a relationship both parties have their own responsibilities.

 

I so much want you to be here in lets say a year and say "yes I can see now my mistake was not loving myself but I will correct this". I am here for you, I am so appreciative myself for all the good people in LS who are here to help you, I do feel connected to you for some reason cause I feel the kindness in your heart. Hang in there, things can only get better. Hugs.

[truncated]

Good, honest post. Thank you Furious.

 

I did indeed never intend to divorce my W and I made this clear from the start, and the fact that she also had no intention of leaving her BF made the A seem managable and somehow safe (ridiculous, I know). Of course, time passes, addiction kicks in, feelings get involved, discoveries happen, the BF leaves and the rules, needs and expectations change. I was too naive to realise this until it was too late and the whole thing spiralled completely out of control.

 

Much of what you say rings true. I have genuine feelings for the OW and I would never call her a liability, but I do see your point. Perhaps it's the same thing in different words, but the way I prefer to say it is that the whole situatiuon has become untenable - for her and for me. We are both trapped and need to be freed.

 

You mention the OW's BF. I think about him sometimes and I feel terrible about what has happened. He is a fellow man who I know almost nothing about and have never seen. My only contribution to his life - to ruin his long term R. He could have turned up at my house armed with evidence for my W and a baseball bat for me. But instead, he chose to walk away with dignity. He has humbled me and has shown himself to be much more a man than I am.

 

The bolded phrase is part of why your wife deserves to know the truth.

 

When you bring a third ( or in your case, potentially a fourth) person into the orbit of a marriage by having an affair, you risk introducing some very negative risks.

 

for example, there are many stories on the new of men and women who have a breakdown when an affair ends, and they lash out at the bs or the ws. Some become stalkers, some engage in harassment, some even become violent. All of this is out of your control.

 

By not telling your wife the truth, you are taking away her right to protect herself form harm, be it physical or psychological. You assume your ow will handle the affair ending well, but you don't know that. What happens if she decides to start harassing your wife and/or your children? Likely she won't, but you don't know that.

 

Also, if there are problems in your marriage, how can you and your wife even begin to fix them if she doesn't know the reality of your life ( which is also hers)?

[Heatherknows]

I did indeed never intend to divorce my W and I made this clear from the start, and the fact that she also had no intention of leaving her BF made the A seem managable and somehow safe (ridiculous, I know). Of course, time passes, addiction kicks in, feelings get involved, discoveries happen, the BF leaves and the rules, needs and expectations change. I was too naive to realise this until it was too late and the whole thing spiralled completely out of control.

 

 

It's hard to let go of someone you like.

[jenkins95]

Yes I do believe you are a good person who circumstances pushed him into doing something wrong. I am always a person who tries to see the whole picture before jumping to conclusions and start accusing people, and I now have more of the whole picture after your post about the cultural differences between you and your wife. Even in this post you never accuse her, you dont call her names, you accept what happened like it was your fate and this is where I see kindness. I am not going to try ti find who was responsible for everything that happened, who am I to do that. I will only insist that you start therapy and after some time I assure you you will start seeing things clearer and clearer. I know that now you feel lost in a mess but do yourself a favor and stop accusing yourself. In a relationship both parties have their own responsibilities.

 

I so much want you to be here in lets say a year and say "yes I can see now my mistake was not loving myself but I will correct this". I am here for you, I am so appreciative myself for all the good people in LS who are here to help you, I do feel connected to you for some reason cause I feel the kindness in your heart. Hang in there, things can only get better. Hugs.

 

Thanks so much for another lovely, supporting post. SummerDreams. Your messages have really helped and quite overwhelmed me. I have been reading a lot of your other contributions - wow, so many posts, so much support you offer to so many people in so many forums. The world is a better place for people like you.

 

I told the OW yesterday that we have to stop things going on as they are now. We both need to release ourselves from this addiction, recover, and then I need to have some long conversations at home. It was very difficult for both of us, but a very important step.

 

Yes! Great motivation from you. I want to come back in a year and post something along the lines of what you wrote above! You gave me a goal to aim for!

 

I feel a connection to you too. You are a kind, warm person, who feels and reads people very well. You are so full of warmth and support. Please, please keep posting! We really need you.

[jenkins95]

The bolded phrase is part of why your wife deserves to know the truth.

 

When you bring a third ( or in your case, potentially a fourth) person into the orbit of a marriage by having an affair, you risk introducing some very negative risks.

 

for example, there are many stories on the new of men and women who have a breakdown when an affair ends, and they lash out at the bs or the ws. Some become stalkers, some engage in harassment, some even become violent. All of this is out of your control.

 

By not telling your wife the truth, you are taking away her right to protect herself form harm, be it physical or psychological. You assume your ow will handle the affair ending well, but you don't know that. What happens if she decides to start harassing your wife and/or your children? Likely she won't, but you don't know that.

 

Also, if there are problems in your marriage, how can you and your wife even begin to fix them if she doesn't know the reality of your life ( which is also hers)?

 

Fair point truncated. But just to clarify, my W does know about the A. I had a D-Day not long after the OW. She doesn't know every little detail and didn't want to, but I tried to answer her questions truthfully, while minimising hurt.

 

One thing she does not know is that I maintained LC with the OW after D-Day. I know I should be honest about this too really. Just yesterday I told the OW that we have to stop. We were both upset, but she took it quite well. It wasn't totally unexpected to her.

 

My wife and I need to have very serious talks about lots of things. I need to stop hiding and avoiding conflict. It's not quite that we became 'room-mates', but it has been going in that direction. We both know that I saught another woman emotionally. We need to discuss exactly why - this will be the springboard to open up discussions on everything else. I think I may start this with a letter, as I find it so difficult to raise and talk about difficult things. So difficult that I found suffering years of being unfulfilled and depressed preferable to facing the issues. This has to stop. Thanks once again for your excellent posts.

[jenkins95]

It's hard to let go of someone you like.

 

Oh yes Heather. I think we all agree on that one! As are easy to slip into (much easier than I ever dreamed possible), but so heart-wrenching to break out of. I have learned so much from my A experience - the hard way!

[truncated]

Fair point truncated. But just to clarify, my W does know about the A. I had a D-Day not long after the OW. She doesn't know every little detail and didn't want to, but I tried to answer her questions truthfully, while minimising hurt.

 

One thing she does not know is that I maintained LC with the OW after D-Day. I know I should be honest about this too really. Just yesterday I told the OW that we have to stop. We were both upset, but she took it quite well. It wasn't totally unexpected to her.

 

My wife and I need to have very serious talks about lots of things. I need to stop hiding and avoiding conflict. It's not quite that we became 'room-mates', but it has been going in that direction. We both know that I saught another woman emotionally. We need to discuss exactly why - this will be the springboard to open up discussions on everything else. I think I may start this with a letter, as I find it so difficult to raise and talk about difficult things. So difficult that I found suffering years of being unfulfilled and depressed preferable to facing the issues. This has to stop. Thanks once again for your excellent posts.

 

That's the thing. Even th lc is enough to keep the affair going, at least in your wife's eyes.

 

Writing a letter is an excellent idea. It will give you the time you need to find the words that express exactly what you mean, and,based on your posts, you are quite eloquent with the written word.

 

I know it's frightening, as the unknown always is, but the time to be 100% honest is now. If you feel like you are faltering, think of it in terms of your kids. You are doing what you need to do to give them a happy home life, and whether that's with mom and dad happy together or mom and dad happy apart, the honesty will be the "first step on the journey of 1000 miles"

[Cymbeline]

As someone who married someone from my own culture but has lived/ brought up a family in 6 different countries in 4 continents I feel there is a problem that your wife needs to address with you.

 

I feel you were very naive in marrying a woman whose ideas of the way your lives would proceed was very different from your own. If you are employed as an international or mobile executive yet your wife wishes to live in the rural community in which she grew up, you do have problems.

 

You have muddied the waters with your affair. You have made yourself the bad guy, but she does have to decide how far she is willing to go I supporting your career and life expectations. This will be a harder decision for her because the risk she takes in moving from her secure environment to one in which she becomes more dependent upon you is increased because you have demonstrated that you may not be relied upon to have her best interests at heart. However, a rural life in a strange culture may well be untenable for you in the long term.

 

Please try to get counselling to help you as a couple to find a pragmatic way forward that is acceptable to both of you. I can easily believe that a rural existence in a foreign culture is very tough on you. It might be your fault that you did not consider this fully before you made your marriage vows, but you are where you are. Compromises will be essential in a mixed culture marriage, more than in a single culture Union.

[Lois_Griffin]

I suspect that if you ditched your family and tried to develop a life with your "soul mate", eventually the doldrums of paying bills, childcare, etc, would make that relationship a little less sparkly and you would be looking outside again.

Nuh uh.

 

Everyone knows that when an OW 'wins' her soul mate, they live happily ever after in Fantasy Land and none of the rules from real life apply.

 

Stop being such a buzz kill.

 

Jenkins, be very careful about putting the blame for your crap decision on your wife. All I'm hearing about is how your wife won't compromise and how miserable you were with her and how inflexible she was and how 'depressed' you were and all kinds of excuses for your decision to have an affair.

 

Just own your sh*t already.

[jenkins95]

Nuh uh.

 

Everyone knows that when an OW 'wins' her soul mate, they live happily ever after in Fantasy Land and none of the rules from real life apply.

 

Stop being such a buzz kill.

 

Jenkins, be very careful about putting the blame for your crap decision on your wife. All I'm hearing about is how your wife won't compromise and how miserable you were with her and how inflexible she was and how 'depressed' you were and all kinds of excuses for your decision to have an affair.

 

Just own your sh*t already.

 

Thanks Lois, I appreciate the honesty of your viewpoint.

 

Yes, I need to own my issues and the responsibility. At the end of the day, it was ME who caused my own depression by closing down emotionally and not communicating my issues and it was ME who walked into an A. No hiding places, no excuses - it was all me.

 

The only positive is that I have learned so much about life and myself and I will become a better person - to those that love me and to myself. I am absolutely determined to make something positive come from this horror.

 

Please keep posting. Feeling quite low today

[Heatherknows]

Thanks Lois, I appreciate the honesty of your viewpoint.

 

Yes, I need to own my issues and the responsibility. At the end of the day, it was ME who caused my own depression by closing down emotionally and not communicating my issues and it was ME who walked into an A. No hiding places, no excuses - it was all me.

 

The only positive is that I have learned so much about life and myself and I will become a better person - to those that love me and to myself. I am absolutely determined to make something positive come from this horror.

 

Please keep posting. Feeling quite low today

 

Sorry you're feeling bad today. The aftermath of an affair is difficult to deal with emotionally.

 

Lois is correct. We must own our sh*t. We aren't victims. We participated in a dangerous dance that left us a bit unstable and very unsatisfied.

[jenkins95]

As someone who married someone from my own culture but has lived/ brought up a family in 6 different countries in 4 continents I feel there is a problem that your wife needs to address with you.

 

I feel you were very naive in marrying a woman whose ideas of the way your lives would proceed was very different from your own. If you are employed as an international or mobile executive yet your wife wishes to live in the rural community in which she grew up, you do have problems.

 

You have muddied the waters with your affair. You have made yourself the bad guy, but she does have to decide how far she is willing to go I supporting your career and life expectations. This will be a harder decision for her because the risk she takes in moving from her secure environment to one in which she becomes more dependent upon you is increased because you have demonstrated that you may not be relied upon to have her best interests at heart. However, a rural life in a strange culture may well be untenable for you in the long term.

 

Please try to get counselling to help you as a couple to find a pragmatic way forward that is acceptable to both of you. I can easily believe that a rural existence in a foreign culture is very tough on you. It might be your fault that you did not consider this fully before you made your marriage vows, but you are where you are. Compromises will be essential in a mixed culture marriage, more than in a single culture Union.

 

Hi Cymbeline, thanks so much for this. Great to have a viewpoint from a seasoned traveller. Your life sounds amazing - I'm sure it's not all a bed of roses and must be a lot of hard work, but the experiences that you get in return must be wonderful! I did (and still do) dream of traveliing, but I think that even I am not as ambitious as you! Very impressed though.

 

I was naive, so was she, but me probably more because I knew what her culture was like and how people don't tend to leave it. I ended up feeling so trapped. Not her fault, not even totally my fault - circumstances, fate and the result of my (and her) happy-go-lucky, head in the clouds attitude to life.

 

I do want to see some compromise. Everything we do is based on her culture and I understand it because it is a minority culture which needs support. But my culture and national identity are important too, and I want my children to know that my culture is theirs too. I feel that my national and cultural identity is suppressed because of the large demands of her culture. No blame here - it is just the way things are. But it makes me feel sad and miserable and non-authentic. Whilst I love and support and respect her culture, I feel trapped by it.

 

Yes, the A was the last thing I should have done to deal with my issues. It has caused lots of hurt and has made me the bad guy. I am a human being and I made a stupid mistake that has hurt several people, but I want to use it as a wake up call and make something positive come from it.

 

I want to have IC first and see how that goes. Use that and the support I get from you guys to help me communicate with my wife. Then if necessary, get some counseling together.

 

You really are amazing guys. The time and effort you put in to posting and supporting people is truly wonderful.

[jenkins95]

Sorry you're feeling bad today. The aftermath of an affair is difficult to deal with emotionally.

 

Lois is correct. We must own our sh*t. We aren't victims. We participated in a dangerous dance that left us a bit unstable and very unsatisfied.

 

Thanks Heather. Yes, absolutely! It has left me in a mess. My actions have also badly hurt at least three other people directly, and risked the happinness of others including my children.

 

Major guilt and sadness today - a necessary and unavoidable part of the acceptance and recovery process. It is so strong that I almost can't concentrate on anything else and feel constantly on the edge of tears. Not a pretty site to see a grown man crying! Thank goodness for LS!

 

How are you today, by the way? I had a feeling that yesterday was a particularly hard day for you? Are you feeling any better?

[jenkins95]

That's the thing. Even th lc is enough to keep the affair going, at least in your wife's eyes.

 

Writing a letter is an excellent idea. It will give you the time you need to find the words that express exactly what you mean, and,based on your posts, you are quite eloquent with the written word.

 

I know it's frightening, as the unknown always is, but the time to be 100% honest is now. If you feel like you are faltering, think of it in terms of your kids. You are doing what you need to do to give them a happy home life, and whether that's with mom and dad happy together or mom and dad happy apart, the honesty will be the "first step on the journey of 1000 miles"

 

Thanks truncated, wise words as ever from you. I always take on board everything you say. And thanks for the compliment about my writing style - I'll get that novel out one day ;-) You are a pretty good writer yourself, as are many people here.

[SummerDreams]

I may be totally wrong but I get a feeling from you that you kind of prefer this mess you are gotten yourself into rather that the nothingness that you were before. You are like the quiet kid that is never given much attention and out of nowhere did something really bad just to get some attention. I dont necessarily mean you did it on purpose. Your subconscious created such a hatred towards not reacting when you were feeling like you were the victim that you had to find a way to react in some way. It is like when you are drowning and you try to grab your hair to get saved. You are not the bad guy, stop saying this about yourself and stop listening to people who accuse you just for being in an affair - which is over now and you know it was just a way out and a dead end either way. What happened proved to yourself first and foremost that you cant compromise forever, your mind, soul and body doesnt accept it and you reacted. What happened also showed you that therapy will make you see things clearer in time. You might not believe it now but from now on things can only get better. At least you will be helped into finding out what you really want and how you will achieve it. I actually am happy for you cause I see you are ready to make some essential changes in your life. We are here, dont lose hope. Hugs.

[jenkins95]

I may be totally wrong but I get a feeling from you that you kind of prefer this mess you are gotten yourself into rather that the nothingness that you were before. You are like the quiet kid that is never given much attention and out of nowhere did something really bad just to get some attention. I dont necessarily mean you did it on purpose. Your subconscious created such a hatred towards not reacting when you were feeling like you were the victim that you had to find a way to react in some way. It is like when you are drowning and you try to grab your hair to get saved. You are not the bad guy, stop saying this about yourself and stop listening to people who accuse you just for being in an affair - which is over now and you know it was just a way out and a dead end either way. What happened proved to yourself first and foremost that you cant compromise forever, your mind, soul and body doesnt accept it and you reacted. What happened also showed you that therapy will make you see things clearer in time. You might not believe it now but from now on things can only get better. At least you will be helped into finding out what you really want and how you will achieve it. I actually am happy for you cause I see you are ready to make some essential changes in your life. We are here, dont lose hope. Hugs.

 

SummerDreams - you are there again! You are fast becoming one of my 'earth angels'!

 

Very, very interesting bit of psychoanalysis there, and I'm sure you are right. Something in me just couldn't take it any more and something snapped. I will read and think about what you said many times.

 

I said in one of my earlier posts that I felt on the verge of crying. Well, I am now.....but they are happy, emotional tears than sad ones thanks to you! Still not a pretty site though - lol! If anyone asks, I am blaming it on bad hay fever ;-)

 

Opening up about the cultural differences issue gave me a lightbulb moment.....It is something so completely obvious, but I had never realised it until I started really analysing this. My AP exactly represents what I felt I was missing out on. She is a multi-cultural woman, who speaks varioius languages and travels to exciting world capital cities. Just this year she has been to about 10! It's so ridiculously obvious, but only now am I having that moment of realisation.

 

Of course, it's pure fantasy! Even if I wasn't in my M, I have children and a big mortgage to take care of and am in my 40s. That type of life is simply not open to me - it's a fantasy, and a cruel one that spoke to my inner demons and became toxic. Small moments of realisation like this are very important!

 

I do feel you there SummerDreams.....and others. You are priceless!

 

Keep posting!

[Heatherknows]

Thanks Heather. Yes, absolutely! It has left me in a mess. My actions have also badly hurt at least three other people directly, and risked the happinness of others including my children.

 

Major guilt and sadness today - a necessary and unavoidable part of the acceptance and recovery process. It is so strong that I almost can't concentrate on anything else and feel constantly on the edge of tears. Not a pretty site to see a grown man crying! Thank goodness for LS!

 

How are you today, by the way? I had a feeling that yesterday was a particularly hard day for you? Are you feeling any better?

 

Crying is healthy! I rather cry and get all the pain out now then pretend I don't feel anything. It's OK to feel bad, to miss people, to find it hard to let go. So cry, post and talk.

 

I'm doing better today. I've put some distance between me and my fall from grace. I wish the guy would leave the site I met him on but he won't. Although I'm not a member of the site I do read his forum posts. Which is a horrible thing for me to do to myself. But I'm looking for things to keep me busy and reinvesting in my marriage. I'm reading about how to build up my self-esteem and am learning how not to be a target. Knowledge is power. Most importantly is NC. There is no way former affair partners can ever be friends. The only choice is to cut that person out of your life forever and don't look back. I'm still looking back. One day I won't.

[truncated]

SummerDreams - you are there again! You are fast becoming one of my 'earth angels'!

 

Very, very interesting bit of psychoanalysis there, and I'm sure you are right. Something in me just couldn't take it any more and something snapped. I will read and think about what you said many times.

 

I said in one of my earlier posts that I felt on the verge of crying. Well, I am now.....but they are happy, emotional tears than sad ones thanks to you! Still not a pretty site though - lol! If anyone asks, I am blaming it on bad hay fever ;-)

 

Opening up about the cultural differences issue gave me a lightbulb moment.....It is something so completely obvious, but I had never realised it until I started really analysing this. My AP exactly represents what I felt I was missing out on. She is a multi-cultural woman, who speaks varioius languages and travels to exciting world capital cities. Just this year she has been to about 10! It's so ridiculously obvious, but only now am I having that moment of realisation.

 

Of course, it's pure fantasy! Even if I wasn't in my M, I have children and a big mortgage to take care of and am in my 40s. That type of life is simply not open to me - it's a fantasy, and a cruel one that spoke to my inner demons and became toxic. Small moments of realisation like this are very important!

 

I do feel you there SummerDreams.....and others. You are priceless!

 

Keep posting!

 

 

I don't know what culture you live in, but a your experience and feelings are actually really common. So much so, that it has a term. Mid life crisis.

 

I think most men and women go through something similar, except perhaps not to the extent you did ( and still do). You kind of look back and see all the things you wanted to do in your life, and realize that you haven't done them, and life has turned out very differential than you ever thought it would. You can feel the time slipping away, and a sense of desperation can move in.

 

I've been there too, but for different reasons than you. Everyone who goes through this has their own reasons.

 

I had always wanted to travel, to get involved in things that we larger than myself, to write, to have time to do the things I want to do.

 

When my husband and I got married, we were both right out of university, and our first child came along not long after. Then our second. Then our third.

 

My husband joined the military, and due to his career , he's away a lot of the time, and he's the one who gets to travel ( albeit to places no one really wants to go...war zones are not exactly "vacation hotspots"), while I stayed at home. I gave up my job because my kids needed me at home when they were small, and due to circumstances I couldn't control, they still need me around and probably always will.

 

I was fine with that, at least until I hit about 42, and then I began to think about all the things I would never get to do. I felt like I was drowning in my life,and I almost felt like I was on the verge of losing it.

 

Then a tragedy hit our family, and none of it mattered anymore. We found our way forward from that, and we are taking the things we learned.

 

One of them is that life is incredibly short, and that while you may get temporary happiness from a "quick fix" or band aid style solution ( which it sounds like what your affair, albeit on a subconscious level, was for you) you need to actually address the underlying issues.

 

I went back to writing, and I have ended up being skilled enough at it that people actually pay me to do it, and I write a lot of published articles. Granted it doesn't pay a lot, but I get a lot of satisfaction from it.

 

We've been able to start traveling,and when my husband retires in a few years, we plan on retiring somewhere in the south. By then, our one child who should be able to 'launch" , and our other child will be finished high school and will hopefully be able to find some sort of work that uses his incredible intelligence.

 

If we can't do that, we'll have to find some other way to make our dreams happen.

 

My point in telling you all of that is that sometimes you have to accept that certain things in your life are what they are. You need to adapt and maybe change the things in your life so you can find happiness in other ways that are healthy and not hurtful to yourself or others.

 

Cheating, as you have learned, is not healthy, and that needs to end. That doesn't mean that you just go on in your life, as it sounds like you have reasons for your unhappiness.

 

You need to ask yourself what you want in life, and also how can you make that happen. Since you are married, and you are equal partners in each other's lives, let your wife in on what you want, and ask her to do the same for her "deep down hopes and dreams" ( hint: these are likely not just sitting at home in the same place for the rest of her life) . Figure out what would make you both happy, not just "existing". You may be surprised to find out that there area lot of ways that you can work together to make your lives into what you want them to be.

 

For example, maybe you want to see other places. You don't have to live in a place full time to do that. Vacations are great, and even with kids, they an be surprisingly affordable. Instead of a hotel, look into vacation rental by owner. That way, you can rent a house or condo, make your own meals, and still be in the place you want to be. ( that's what we do, and it shaved thousands off our travel bill). If you want to feel like you are working at something that matters, you can volunteer in your community or somewhere else in the world.

 

In short, there are so many ways you can have what you want and feel fulfilled without cheating or ending your marriage. They key is to work with your spouse and to let her know your hopes and dreams and that you want her to be a part of them.

 

I won't pretend that it's easy at first. It can be really hard to open up like that. The end results, however, are well worth it.

 

( sorry that was so long...)

[SummerDreams]

@truncated: I think the OP knows he always wanted other things but he has trouble communicating this to his wife. This is the reason he is where he is today. He kept swallowing and compromising until his heart, body and soul reacted and made him find a - wrong - solution. It is actually how people who commit suicide feel and react. They are people who never say no, they dont express their opinion cause they feel weak to do so, they end up believing it's their fault people are treating them this way so one day they just cant take it anymore and they commit suicide to be "free" from this torture. I am kinda happy jenkins ended up having an affair than harming himself.

 

How are you today jenkins?

[truncated]

@truncated: I think the OP knows he always wanted other things but he has trouble communicating this to his wife. This is the reason he is where he is today. He kept swallowing and compromising until his heart, body and soul reacted and made him find a - wrong - solution. It is actually how people who commit suicide feel and react. They are people who never say no, they dont express their opinion cause they feel weak to do so, they end up believing it's their fault people are treating them this way so one day they just cant take it anymore and they commit suicide to be "free" from this torture. I am kinda happy jenkins ended up having an affair than harming himself.

 

How are you today jenkins?

 

Whoa there...suicide?

 

All his A did was add another layer of complication to his life.

 

he even says himself that for a long time after he got married...

 

"I'm not sure why my depression lifted, but suddenly, I was happier and light enough to do things in my spare time. Previously I had no interest in anything other than sitting around watching TV and hiding my depression (so unhealthy I know). I enrolled in night classes, started losing weight (which had ballooned during my depression), meeting new people and being friendly and chatty for the first time in years. I started chatting to my tutor from the gym. She had a long-term BF, and like me her relationship was OK, but not perfect. We chatted to each other and even became a bit flirty. The fact that we each had partners made it seem OK, that nothing could come with it. Well, you can guess what happened next."

 

This does NOT sound like he was "swallowing and compromising" and that the A was some sort of life line for him. If he had started it while he was still in his depression, I might believe that line of reasoning, but he says himself he was feeling better than he had in years when he started chatting with this other woman.

[jenkins95]

Truncated, SummerDreams!

 

Wow! Fantastic, juicy, long posts.I can't thank you enough for being there for me. I haven't had much opportunity to get online today, but I have a long train ride later. You can be sure that your posts will be read and re-read very many times...... and replied to in due course.

 

Thanks for asking how I am..... Up and down today, lots of introspection, which I think is normal just coming out of an A? Right now, I am more up than down and that's due in no small part to feeling your support.

 

You guys are great

[truncated]

how are you doing today?

[beach]

Have you done any action to end one of the relationships? Or even both?

 

 

What are you doing to change the situation?

Edited August 14, 2015 by beach

[SummerDreams]

I think he has said he ended the affair. But as I said, only some therapy can make him learn to love himself. If he doesnt learn that, he will just go back to his miserable self.

 

We are here jenkins. You are in my mind. Hang in there. Hugs.

[jenkins95]

Thanks so much for your support all - these messages mean so much to me.

 

I won't have much access to the internet until Monday..... Another downside of living miles out into the countryside ;-) but I read and re read these messages so much. Please keep them coming! I will have more contributions from Monday..... And maybe the odd one over the weekend if/when I do get some signal.

 

Thanks so much for asking how I am. I really feel genuine support. It has actually been a tough day, but I expect many of those until I start to recover. Lots of sadness and tears, but as Heather says, its good to cry...... so I let a few tears flow when I am on my own. How are you all doing today?

 

We will get there guys - together!