Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Another 10 page thread that could have been avoided if the OP would just sit down and have an actual conversation with the person in question. All it takes is words. Ha! Ugh, I know. Sorry for clogging up the Loveshack lines, folks! I'll discuss this with him on Saturday. I'll give this "communication" thing that everyone here has been telling me about a try.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Posted August 14, 2015 Girl, in general, guys can be kind of clueless sometimes. Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt in this situation. Especially this one. Haha! No, he really is a sweet guy, but he's one of those "book smart" people who don't have a lot of common sense.
Diezel Posted August 14, 2015 Posted August 14, 2015 Oh yes. It’s definitely an elephant in the room now, and we are both dancing around it. I thought FOR SURE that him seeing me online and checking out his profile would spur some sort of a response, but it didn’t. The only “response” I got was him visiting my profile within the hour after I visited his. No idea what that means. It means the same thing you visiting his means. I don't know why people torture themselves this way. He's probably on some other forum with a similar thread to yours asking people, "Why is she active on the online dating site and even visited my profile? What does it mean?" 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 Sooooo…. I ripped the proverbial Band-Aid off and talked to him about his seemingly-frequent online activity. He responded in a way many of you had predicted. He told me that the dating app is located on the first page of his cell phone’s “home screen,” so whenever he looks at his phone out of boredom, he checks it (at the same time he’s also checking e-mails, Instagram, Facebook, answering texts, etc.). He said it had become a habit, and that he wasn’t logging on to pursue other women. In fact, he moved the app to a different location on his phone on his own before I even brought it up, and by the time we had the conversation, he hadn’t logged in at all in a couple of days (as opposed to the usual multiple times a day). Thinking about it more, I probably didn’t even need to say anything, as it appears he was kind of taking himself off the site on his own. It’s funny, because he also mentioned that he definitely noticed when I re-joined the site, and that most of the time, he was only logging in just to see how often I was logging in to the site (which many of you mentioned could be the case). He said he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings and that he’d stop using the site right away. While exclusivity wasn’t explicitly discussed, I’m really glad we at least cleared this up, as I feel like this definitely opens the door to that conversation. Baby steps, right? I also learned that I need to stop being such a sissy and communicate my feelings in relationships, especially if something is driving me crazy. Many times, the “worst-case” scenario plays in my head, but the reality is often not as horrible as I was building it up to be. Thanks, everyone, for your help! Not sure what I would do without this forum. 2
losangelena Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 Good. OP, I'm glad to hear that you said your piece and saw that stating your opinion didn't have immediate negative consequences. That's a good lesson to learn and keep in mind for the future. I'm just curious; maybe you've already shared some of this info, but how old are y'all? Are either of you fairly new to dating? I'm my BF's first serious GF, and a lot of things I expected him to do, that I expected an interested and invested BF to do, he was totally clueless about. He'd been online dating (sporadically) for 2+ years, and he did not take it down until a friend of ours heckled him about it. He said, "but I don't even look at it anymore," as if to say, that fact that the app was still on his phone doesn't mean anything vis-a-vis our relationship. Anyway, it seems like your guy is maybe more of the non-communicative type, too. If you're the type that needs a lot positive verbal feedback—also, an exclusivity conversation—I would encourage you to focus instead on the non-verbal ways he shows you he cares. I bet you he assumes exclusivity. He may not even initiate a conversation. If you want one, you may have to start it. Again, I don't actually think it has anything to do with how he feels about you, he may just not understand that it's expected. Anyway, glad you're on the same page on this issue! 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Posted August 17, 2015 Good. OP, I'm glad to hear that you said your piece and saw that stating your opinion didn't have immediate negative consequences. That's a good lesson to learn and keep in mind for the future. I'm just curious; maybe you've already shared some of this info, but how old are y'all? Are either of you fairly new to dating? I'm my BF's first serious GF, and a lot of things I expected him to do, that I expected an interested and invested BF to do, he was totally clueless about. He'd been online dating (sporadically) for 2+ years, and he did not take it down until a friend of ours heckled him about it. He said, "but I don't even look at it anymore," as if to say, that fact that the app was still on his phone doesn't mean anything vis-a-vis our relationship. Anyway, it seems like your guy is maybe more of the non-communicative type, too. If you're the type that needs a lot positive verbal feedback—also, an exclusivity conversation—I would encourage you to focus instead on the non-verbal ways he shows you he cares. I bet you he assumes exclusivity. He may not even initiate a conversation. If you want one, you may have to start it. Again, I don't actually think it has anything to do with how he feels about you, he may just not understand that it's expected. Anyway, glad you're on the same page on this issue! Thanks, losangelena. Yes, this was a very valuable lesson learned. As Diezel pointed out, this turned into an 11-page thread that could’ve been avoided if I had spoken up sooner, but I really did need all of these 11 pages to gather up the nerve and learn what it means to be assertive and communicative. He’s 28 and I’m 30. While I’m not new to the online dating world at all, he actually is. I would say that, due to some rather interesting life circumstances in his earlier years, he’s probably also somewhat new to dating in general or at least casual dating. I don’t know that for sure, but it’s starting to seem like it. When we had our discussion, he had no idea that any of this was a concern for me. So, I made sure to explain it to him in a very logical, clear way – “When I see that you’re actively logging into your dating profile, it makes me think you’re not that interested in me.” As clueless as he can be sometimes, I really do love the fact that he understands things quickly once explanations are provided. I’ve dated men before who remained clueless despite me expressing my feelings, but it’s because they didn’t really want to hear it or cared to do anything about it. He seems to want to make a genuine effort to make me happy, and that means a lot. He and I are still learning our relationship needs. This does show me that he’s indeed less communicative than I am, and that’s okay, as long as I can be better at expressing how I’m feeling to him. I also think he understands how difficult it is for me to bring up these kinds of conversations, so I’m hoping we’ll eventually be able to meet in the middle. Based on his actions, he’s doing everything right, so I’ve got to calm down and stop over-analyzing everything and just communicate. 1
Recommended Posts