He's Still Online. It's Driving Me Crazy. (UPDATED)

[katiegrl]

Hmm. There might be something to that, I don't know. I certainly want to have sex with him, but like I mentioned before, I'm weird about those things. A lot of women go for it right away. It takes time for me to build the kind of trust I need to be there in order to do the deed. I'm not there with him yet. Even if he deleted his profile tomorrow, it would still take time for me to get there with him. Not a ton of time, but yeah. You might have something there.

 

Well how do you plan on developing trust? YOU are not doing anything to foster that trust?

 

 

By choosing to remain on line, you are not fostering HIS trust... and by NOT talking to him, you are not giving yourself the opportunity to trust him either!

 

 

This entire situation makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever...

[Gaeta]

Hmm. There might be something to that, I don't know. I certainly want to have sex with him, but like I mentioned before, I'm weird about those things. A lot of women go for it right away. It takes time for me to build the kind of trust I need to be there in order to do the deed. I'm not there with him yet. Even if he deleted his profile tomorrow, it would still take time for me to get there with him. Not a ton of time, but yeah. You might have something there.

 

I suspect it takes time because he doesn't make you feel special. If I were you this situation would make me feel like I am just another online girl for him.

[Lovelorn00]

I agree! For the same reasons Gaeta stated above.

 

 

You can talk to him about it more directly without making light of it... which like Gaeta said he will interpret as meaning it's cool with you that he's still on line. Which clearly you are not.

 

 

What the hell are you so afraid of anyway?

 

 

Just tell him you have seen him on line and ask him what's up? Not in an accusatory way...but in a sort of confused way. Is he still searching for other women to date? What?

 

 

Because if that's the case, then you may have to move on, as, after two months, you are seeking something more exclusive. If he balks at that...then clearly he is NOT that into you hon...and you need to move on and find a man who is!

 

 

Don't you want to know for heaven's sake? I don't get it.

 

But... isn't that how one is supposed to talk to men about these things? Especially early in a relationship? Don't men prefer the girl who is "cool" with everything and doesn't overreact or show any strong, negative emotions? Doesn't the dude want someone non-confrontational? Someone who doesn't threaten his independence?

 

I'm afraid of being rejected by someone I like. It stings. I hate it. Over the years, I've learned how to bounce back from it faster every time, but it still sucks. Sometimes it makes me question my worth, because this happens so often. Guy shows interest, I show it back, he runs away after a few months. Even when I don't bring up exclusivity.

[Ruby Slippers]

my experiences have shown me that one must walk on egg shells with men when it comes to relationships. It's not exactly something they want to talk about.

This is just not true. I'm sure it's true for men who just want to date/sleep around and not have a real relationship. In my experience, few of those men ever change. In my search for a good man over the past 2 years, I met a TON of aging, lonely 40-something bachelors who were still seeking playmate material. That's fine, but what isn't fine is that most of them pretended in some ways to want more, trying to pull in relationship-minded women like me, instead of party girls who sleep around.

 

I've always screened carefully for relationship-minded men, and that is the only kind of man I go beyond a date or two with. In almost all cases, they brought up marriage and kids within a short time, to make sure I had the same goals as they did.

 

If a guy isn't bringing up exclusivity and longer-term commitment, it's because he doesn't want it period, or he doesn't want it with you. In either case, if you want something real, you're better off moving on to keep looking for a man who wants the same thing you do. They are out there - but the casual daters are often better at peacock behavior to reel in the girls. All sizzle, no steak.

[katiegrl]

But... isn't that how one is supposed to talk to men about these things? Especially early in a relationship? Don't men prefer the girl who is "cool" with everything and doesn't overreact or show any strong, negative emotions? Doesn't the dude want someone non-confrontational? Someone who doesn't threaten his independence?

 

I'm afraid of being rejected by someone I like. It stings. I hate it. Over the years, I've learned how to bounce back from it faster every time, but it still sucks. Sometimes it makes me question my worth, because this happens so often. Guy shows interest, I show it back, he runs away after a few months. Even when I don't bring up exclusivity.

 

No one is suggesting you "over-react with strong negative emotions." Where did you get that?

 

 

And you can be "cool" and STILL ask him where you stand. Trust me, he will respect you for it! Like I said before, men respect women who respect themselves.

 

 

Not to mention, there is such as thing as being too cool. You may end up too cooling yourself right out of the running.... when he ends up thinking you don't really give a shyt and finds another woman who does give a shyt, who respects herself, knows what she wants and has the courage to let him know what she wants. Calmly and rationally.

 

 

And two months is NOT that early! It's plenty of time for a guy to know what he wants. By allowing him to dither along, search for, meet and date other women... you are selling yourself short. And don't think HE knows that!

[Gaeta]

But... isn't that how one is supposed to talk to men about these things? Especially early in a relationship? Don't men prefer the girl who is "cool" with everything and doesn't overreact or show any strong, negative emotions? Doesn't the dude want someone non-confrontational? Someone who doesn't threaten his independence?

 

I'm afraid of being rejected by someone I like. It stings. I hate it. Over the years, I've learned how to bounce back from it faster every time, but it still sucks. Sometimes it makes me question my worth, because this happens so often. Guy shows interest, I show it back, he runs away after a few months. Even when I don't bring up exclusivity.

 

What book have you been reading?

 

I hope a man, a real one, wants a woman that knows what she wants and goes for it. A woman that talks the talk and walks the walk.

 

Example: In your profile did you put you were looking for a relationship? If yes, than this is what needs to transpire out of you when you date. Seeing a man, as often as you do, and still being online after 2 months (talking about you here) does NOT translate *I am a serious woman looking for a relationship*.

[usernametaken]

Yeah, I thought about this possibility as well. I will admit, the more I get to know him, I’ve noticed that he can be kinda clueless about a lot things. Haha This may very well be one of those things.

Usernametaken, how did you feel when he confronted you about it? Did it scare you off that he was so concerned about it after only 6 weeks of dating? Or were you glad that he said something?

 

You know, the relationship dynamic there was a bit different. I knew he was more into me than I was into him - and so did he. Although I really liked him, we were at very different places in life, and I knew the relationship was never going to be serious.

 

It didn't bother me a bit, though. I appreciated him being honest with me, and I let him know that although I wasn't seeing anyone else, I had doubts about us long-term (which I had always let him know).

[katiegrl]

You know, I am beginning to think you BOTH have commitment issues. Those with commitment issues are drawn to each other like bees to honey. You are too afraid to discuss anything having to do with exclusivity ...for fear of turning him off.

 

 

And HE is happy to just go along, stringing you along .... until you get tired of his nonchalant non-committal attitude...which you never will be (even though you claim otherwise but your ACTIONS speak volumes).... because you yourself have commitment issues.

 

 

Something to think about.

[losangelena]

Mmm, no I don't think so.

 

I was thinking because OP is having such a hard time bringing it up that it might be a less threatening way to start the conversation is all.

 

Sorry, that was in response to Gaeta, way far up the thread. There was serious lag between when I first started my reply and published it.

Edited August 13, 2015 by losangelena

[Lovelorn00]

If that is truly how you feel, then sweetie you have been with the WRONG type of men!

 

 

You may wish to explore that -- they type of men you choose to get involved with.

 

 

Because believe it or not, I have rarely felt like I had to "walk on eggshells" in any of my relationships. And if I DID, I would be outta there!!

 

It's not just the types of men I'm dating, it's the advice from blogs, articles, books, friends, etc. The way I understand it, a man would rather get his arm chewed off by a rabid bear than have any kind of relationship talk. Is that not a thing?

[Lovelorn00]

I suspect it takes time because he doesn't make you feel special. If I were you this situation would make me feel like I am just another online girl for him.

 

It definitely does make me feel that way.That’s another (smaller) reason why I reactivated my profile. If I have to feel like “just another girl online” then he gets to feel like “just another dude online” to me.

[Lovelorn00]

This is just not true. I'm sure it's true for men who just want to date/sleep around and not have a real relationship. In my experience, few of those men ever change. In my search for a good man over the past 2 years, I met a TON of aging, lonely 40-something bachelors who were still seeking playmate material. That's fine, but what isn't fine is that most of them pretended in some ways to want more, trying to pull in relationship-minded women like me, instead of party girls who sleep around.

 

I've always screened carefully for relationship-minded men, and that is the only kind of man I go beyond a date or two with. In almost all cases, they brought up marriage and kids within a short time, to make sure I had the same goals as they did.

 

If a guy isn't bringing up exclusivity and longer-term commitment, it's because he doesn't want it period, or he doesn't want it with you. In either case, if you want something real, you're better off moving on to keep looking for a man who wants the same thing you do. They are out there - but the casual daters are often better at peacock behavior to reel in the girls. All sizzle, no steak.

 

Well said, Ruby Slippers. Is there some sort of class where they teach women how to be quicker at screening and weeding out the peacock men? Haha Because I’d take it in a heartbeat - Especially if you’re able to pick up on those things after a date or two. I’m lucky if I pick up on that after 6 months.

[Lovelorn00]

What book have you been reading?

 

I hope a man, a real one, wants a woman that knows what she wants and goes for it. A woman that talks the talk and walks the walk.

 

Example: In your profile did you put you were looking for a relationship? If yes, than this is what needs to transpire out of you when you date. Seeing a man, as often as you do, and still being online after 2 months (talking about you here) does NOT translate *I am a serious woman looking for a relationship*.

 

It definitely does. At one point, my profile said that I was looking for "long-term dating, short-term dating, or new friends." After about a week, I changed it to just "long-term dating," because I'm looking for a long-term, real relationship. The only reason I recently reactivated my profile was because it seemed to me that the person I've been dating for the last two months wasn't looking for a long-term relationship (or at least with me) due to his frequent activity online. He doesn't know that, so it's definitely something I need to discuss with him.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well said, Ruby Slippers. Is there some sort of class where they teach women how to be quicker at screening and weeding out the peacock men? Haha Because I’d take it in a heartbeat - Especially if you’re able to pick up on those things after a date or two. I’m lucky if I pick up on that after 6 months.

The class is called life

 

But you have the benefit of getting advice from women online who've been through it all and have already learned those lessons. Of course, experience is the best teacher, but advice from those with experience can also be very helpful, if you heed it.

 

I'm telling you now that a man who is still browsing around online after 2 months of dating is either not interested in finding a serious, committed relationship, or not dating a woman he's all that excited about.

 

Unless a guy is just downright shady and a liar, he will make it very clear what he's looking for.

 

If you feel unsure, uncertain, and insecure with a man you're dating, he's not doing what he needs to do to make you feel secure with him. When a man wants a real relationship, and wants a real relationship with YOU, he will make that abundantly clear. You'll never have to wonder if he really likes you or is serious.

 

If you have to wonder if he's serious, he's not. If you have to wonder if he's excited about you, he's not.

 

When it's right, you don't have to wonder.

[Lovelorn00]

No one is suggesting you "over-react with strong negative emotions." Where did you get that?

 

Haha I was just speaking from the man’s perspective, or what I think is his perspective. “Oh no! She wants to talk to me about… OUR RELATIONSHIP! Noooo!”

The fact that I’m even bringing it up could be seen as a negative reaction by a lot of men, even if it’s done calmly, rationally, and/or with a bit of humor.

[Islander19]

OP, I think you're overthinking this. There are two possible scenarios here as far as I'm concerned.

 

1. He sees his relationship with you as something casual and doesn't think there's anything wrong with talking and flirting with other girls. This is obviously not what you're looking form and if is the case you're going to want to find out sooner or later

 

2. He's interested in a serious relationship, but he's unsure whether or not you are so he's keeping his options open.

 

At this point, both scenarios are possibilities, and if he isn't going to speak up about it then you need to. What are you worried about anyways?

 

If he gets scared off by the relationship talk then that's good. It means you've determined he's not the type of guy you're looking for and you can move on with your life. I mean, you don't want to waste your time with someone who's not looking for the same things you are, right? Best to find out early.

 

Conversely, if scenario 2 is true he'll be really happy you brought it up and the two of you will likely become much closer and start to build the type of relationship you're looking for. So this is also a good outcome for you.

 

The way I see it, talking to him about this is a win/win scenario. No need to be nervous, just do it.

[katiegrl]

Haha I was just speaking from the man’s perspective, or what I think is his perspective. “Oh no! She wants to talk to me about… OUR RELATIONSHIP! Noooo!”

The fact that I’m even bringing it up could be seen as a negative reaction by a lot of men, even if it’s done calmly, rationally, and/or with a bit of humor.

 

Again, back to what Ruby Slippers has been saying. Her most recent post was right on...as was all of them. So listen to Ruby.

 

 

If a man is screaming "On no!! She wants to talk to me about OUR RELATIONSHIP! Oh no!" Then you are dating the wrong type of men (commitment phobes) or men who just are NOT into YOU.

 

 

Also if this is some type of universal advice you are getting from the internet, then that is some REALLY bad advice!

 

 

I have read a ton of books written by reputable counselors, therapists, etc and NONE of them tell you to avoid the relationship talk, that it will scare men away. Sure it will scare commitment phobes away...but are those the type of men you want anyway?

 

 

What they advocate is holding off on having "the talk" during the initial stages of dating... which I agree with.... but in your case, it's been TWO MONTHS.

 

 

More than enough time for a guy (an emotionally healthy guy) to know what he wants... or what he does NOT want.

Edited August 13, 2015 by katiegrl

[Timshel]

I completely agree with Ruby and Katie. Here's the thing Love, you seem terrified of losing this guy. I would guess that is not because you and he are so compatible and special together. Instead, it seems that you would interpret his disinterest in a relationship as a reflection of your own value.

 

If this guy does not want to be in a relationship with you, it says absolutely zero about the woman you are. All it would mean, the only thing it means is that he isn't the right guy for you. It also means the right one is out there, waiting for you to stop messing around with the wrong one.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with realizing it's going no where, cutting losses and moving on. There is nothing about finding yourself single that decreases your value or takes away your hotness/beauty/desirability.

Girl, it is what it is. Don't make it into more than that and if he lets you walk, walk right into the future you want. Don't be afraid.

[smackie9]

If that is truly how you feel, then sweetie you have been with the WRONG type of men!

 

 

You may wish to explore that -- they type of men you choose to get involved with.

 

 

Because believe it or not, I have rarely felt like I had to "walk on eggshells" in any of my relationships. And if I DID, I would be outta there!!

I'm like this too.....if it doesn't feel right then it not. I'm not sticking around I go look somewhere else.

[Lovelorn00]

You know, the relationship dynamic there was a bit different. I knew he was more into me than I was into him - and so did he. Although I really liked him, we were at very different places in life, and I knew the relationship was never going to be serious.

 

It didn't bother me a bit, though. I appreciated him being honest with me, and I let him know that although I wasn't seeing anyone else, I had doubts about us long-term (which I had always let him know).

 

That's great that you were so honest with him. It really does kinda sound like the same thing is going on here with the genders switched.

[Lovelorn00]

You know, I am beginning to think you BOTH have commitment issues. Those with commitment issues are drawn to each other like bees to honey. You are too afraid to discuss anything having to do with exclusivity ...for fear of turning him off.

 

 

And HE is happy to just go along, stringing you along .... until you get tired of his nonchalant non-committal attitude...which you never will be (even though you claim otherwise but your ACTIONS speak volumes).... because you yourself have commitment issues.

 

 

Something to think about.

 

Oh, you're right, and I will freely admit that I've got some issues in the relationship department. The last thread I started was all about attachment theory and the different types of attachment styles and how I feel that being an "anxious" person in relationships has ruined my life. Now that I think about it, I really should try to finish reading that book...

 

But yes, fear is in the driver's seat most of the time I'm in a relationship. Anxiety to the max. It's pretty bad.

[Lovelorn00]

The class is called life

 

But you have the benefit of getting advice from women online who've been through it all and have already learned those lessons. Of course, experience is the best teacher, but advice from those with experience can also be very helpful, if you heed it.

 

True, and the advice given here is so appreciated, I can't even tell you. Even though, I am getting differing viewpoints, they're all very helpful. But... the way my GUT feels is exactly how you just described it.

[Lovelorn00]

OP, I think you're overthinking this. There are two possible scenarios here as far as I'm concerned.

 

1. He sees his relationship with you as something casual and doesn't think there's anything wrong with talking and flirting with other girls. This is obviously not what you're looking form and if is the case you're going to want to find out sooner or later

 

2. He's interested in a serious relationship, but he's unsure whether or not you are so he's keeping his options open.

 

At this point, both scenarios are possibilities, and if he isn't going to speak up about it then you need to. What are you worried about anyways?

 

If he gets scared off by the relationship talk then that's good. It means you've determined he's not the type of guy you're looking for and you can move on with your life. I mean, you don't want to waste your time with someone who's not looking for the same things you are, right? Best to find out early.

 

Conversely, if scenario 2 is true he'll be really happy you brought it up and the two of you will likely become much closer and start to build the type of relationship you're looking for. So this is also a good outcome for you.

 

The way I see it, talking to him about this is a win/win scenario. No need to be nervous, just do it.

 

Thanks, Islander19. I think the problem with scenario 2, though, is that if he actually was interested in a serious relationship with me, he'd make it known. Seeing me online would spur the same kind of "wtf" reaction that I'm having to his online activity, and he'd make an effort to lock it down. Right? Or is this just two people playing "chicken" with each other? Haha

 

The only way I won't be nervous talking to him about it is if I stop caring so much. The amount of resentment that has built up over the last two months over this issue is starting to make that a bit easier, to be honest. I'll likely need a shot or two of booze as well.

[Lovelorn00]

What they advocate is holding off on having "the talk" during the initial stages of dating... which I agree with.... but in your case, it's been TWO MONTHS. More than enough time for a guy (an emotionally healthy guy) to know what he wants... or what he does NOT want.

 

True. Then again, I just talked to my therapist today, and even he said I was jumping the gun. He suggested waiting it out and letting him bring it up, but to continue to date other people. He felt it was a little too soon to open that door. Very frustrating, because I've kind of already made up my mind to talk to him about it this weekend, but now this "professional" is telling me to be cool and go with the flow. Haha! I'm not going to take his advice, though, because I truly do believe what the others here have said, and it really does boil down to communication.

[Timshel]

True. Then again, I just talked to my therapist today, and even he said I was jumping the gun. He suggested waiting it out and letting him bring it up, but to continue to date other people. He felt it was a little too soon to open that door. Very frustrating, because I've kind of already made up my mind to talk to him about it this weekend, but now this "professional" is telling me to be cool and go with the flow. Haha! I'm not going to take his advice, though, because I truly do believe what the others here have said, and it really does boil down to communication.

 

Quacks