Gaeta Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 True. Now that my profile has been reactivated, I’m basically doing the same thing he’s doing. I hear ya. However, my reasons for being back online aren’t the same (I don’t believe). I only reactivated my profile, because I noticed he was still actively online (I checked it using Google, not by logging in). I figured if he’s still keeping his options open, I should do the same (eggs in one basket thing). Now, does he know that? Probably not. Because I’m too yellow-bellied to bring it up. I agree that it CAN be a turnoff for both sexes when one seems way too eager to start a relationship, but in this case, we’ve moved beyond a date or two, so I'm not sure that applies here. Personally I see this as you lowering yourself to his level. What good can come out of this ? 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 I wouldn't do this to myself. I would not give 2 months of my precious time to a man and then see him log on a dating site several times a day. If a man is still interested in online dating others after he met me 4-5 times I let him go. I know. It's torture. If I had any shred of self-esteem, I wouldn't stand for it. I wouldn't even hesitate and drop him. Move on to the next guy in line. Or at least buck up and talk to him about it like it ain't no thang. Instead, I torture myself and give him all the power. I'm working on it, though. It's like a band-aid that I just need to rip off. I'm not going to let this end without having that convo, because I'd just really hate myself if I did that. He asked me out for tonight (I had to decline) and this weekend, so I've got another opportunity to rip off the band-aid. I'll post with an update in a few days.
losangelena Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Jesus girl, just do it already. You'll know (torture over), and maybe you'll get a shred of respect back for yourself. 1
usernametaken Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 I went out with a guy for several months who I met on OKC. After we had been dating maybe 6 weeks, he got up the guts to tell me that it hurt his feelings that I still logged in to the site. I had been logging on to respond to messages and just as a time-killer, but I certainly wasn't seeking anyone out. I was also unaware that it was proper protocol to stay off the site once you were sort of dating someone. Heck, I was new to this. Maybe he's clueless. Maybe he's just amusing himself? Honestly, there is plenty on OLD to amuse. 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Posted August 12, 2015 I went out with a guy for several months who I met on OKC. After we had been dating maybe 6 weeks, he got up the guts to tell me that it hurt his feelings that I still logged in to the site. I had been logging on to respond to messages and just as a time-killer, but I certainly wasn't seeking anyone out. I was also unaware that it was proper protocol to stay off the site once you were sort of dating someone. Heck, I was new to this. Maybe he's clueless. Maybe he's just amusing himself? Honestly, there is plenty on OLD to amuse. Yeah, I thought about this possibility as well. I will admit, the more I get to know him, I’ve noticed that he can be kinda clueless about a lot things. Haha This may very well be one of those things. Usernametaken, how did you feel when he confronted you about it? Did it scare you off that he was so concerned about it after only 6 weeks of dating? Or were you glad that he said something?
katiegrl Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 Jesus girl, just do it already. You'll know (torture over), and maybe you'll get a shred of respect back for yourself. And respect from HIM also! If you don't care about respecting yourself...perhaps if you considered the fact that HE probably doesn't respect you much either...for allowing nothing more than a FWB arrangement... it might compel you to speak up! Guys respect women who respect themselves!! 1
katiegrl Posted August 12, 2015 Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) And respect from HIM also! If you don't care about respecting yourself...perhaps if you considered the fact that HE probably doesn't respect you much either...for allowing nothing more than a FWB arrangement... it might compel you to speak up! Guys respect women who respect themselves!! Hold on..... I just skimmed this thread again to refresh my memory. Have you guys had sex yet? I can't determine that for sure....but it sounds like you have NOT? Yes? No? If no, then no worries...he still respects you. But talk to him!! And how the hell can you wait two months! Hell, when I'm super attracted to a guy... no way I could wait two months! I'd be dying...and would either talk to him... or go for it and let the chips fall where there may. The latter has always worked out for me, but after being on LS awhile, if I were to start dating again, I would talk to him BEFORE having sex. So talk to him girl!! Edited August 12, 2015 by katiegrl 1
sb6052 Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Oh and btw, I wasn't directing my earlier comment at you OP. I was just addressing the topic of the thread in general, sorry. In your case, if it really has been 2 months, then yeah, that's more serious and you should at least have a talk to him about it and confront him if it's an issue. It depends on the case and how long people have been going out. It's fair that you're concerned about it now. 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Hold on..... I just skimmed this thread again to refresh my memory. Have you guys had sex yet? I can't determine that for sure....but it sounds like you have NOT? Yes? No? If no, then no worries...he still respects you. But talk to him!! And how the hell can you wait two months! Hell, when I'm super attracted to a guy... no way I could wait two months! I'd be dying...and would either talk to him... or go for it and let the chips fall where there may. The latter has always worked out for me, but after being on LS awhile, if I were to start dating again, I would talk to him BEFORE having sex. So talk to him girl!! We haven’t had sex yet, katiegrl. I guess I’m kinda weird about that stuff. I am super attracted to him, and we’ve definitely made out and we’ve been VERY touchy-feely with each other, but no actual sex. For me, I’m not comfortable going all the way with someone unless I’m in an exclusive, monogamous relationship, and he has proven to be trustworthy and reliable. Right now, I’m questioning his intentions (as are many people on this thread), and the fact that I have even the slightest indication that he may be getting intimate with other women at the same time really grosses me out. Haha The funny thing is that all of this is actually causing more trouble than it’s worth (as many of you have pointed out). The whole situation is only making me more irritated and anxious the longer it goes on. The last time we hung out, I noticed those feelings showing in my interactions with him. NOT GOOD. So, yeah, gotta talk to him about it. Get it over with already. Haha!
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Oh and btw, I wasn't directing my earlier comment at you OP. I was just addressing the topic of the thread in general, sorry. In your case, if it really has been 2 months, then yeah, that's more serious and you should at least have a talk to him about it and confront him if it's an issue. It depends on the case and how long people have been going out. It's fair that you're concerned about it now. Thanks for the clarification, sb6052. Yeah, I was thinking that comment was about my situation, but mine is a little different. I do think that 2 months is long enough to start talking about these things. Although, I have a couple of friends who say I should just wait it out - that talking about it with him will scare him off and that he needs to address the issue on his own, like a couple of folks on this thread have suggested. Otherwise, I’m kinda “pushing” him into making a decision he didn’t really want to make anyway. Ultimately, I’ve decided to just talk to him about it, mostly because it's driving me insane. I really do wish he would just bring it up on his own, though. THIS WHOLE SITUATION SUCKS.
losangelena Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Ultimately, I’ve decided to just talk to him about it, mostly because it's driving me insane. I really do wish he would just bring it up on his own, though. THIS WHOLE SITUATION SUCKS. OK, when exactly are you planning on doing this?? If I were you, I would just be like, "hey, saw you online—looks like we're still a good match!" or bring it up in a more lighthearted way. That way he won't feel like you're bringing the hammer down necessarily and won't get defensive. 1
Jejangles Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 OP, I feel your pain, I suck at bringing things up as well but you really do need to address it. I have a friend who has been dating someone for two years who refuses to ask him where he sees things going in the future, and he hasn't brought it up himself. It's easy to waste a lot of time dating someone who may or may not be on the same page as you. 1
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Thanks for the clarification, sb6052. Yeah, I was thinking that comment was about my situation, but mine is a little different. I do think that 2 months is long enough to start talking about these things. Although, I have a couple of friends who say I should just wait it out - that talking about it with him will scare him off and that he needs to address the issue on his own, like a couple of folks on this thread have suggested. Otherwise, I’m kinda “pushing” him into making a decision he didn’t really want to make anyway. You are not pushing him into anything. You want to know where he is standing with you. You're not asking him to get off line, not asking him to commit, not asking him a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. He can answer A) I need more time to give someone exclusivity B) I am an idiot of course I want to be exclusive I will delete my profile. Pushing him away?? Are you kidding me! He's a man or a 2 year old? It's as simple as answering <do you want baked potato or french fries> 2
Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 THIS WHOLE SITUATION SUCKS. You're choosing to stay stuck in this situation. I would have been long gone by now. I think you're wasting your time and energy on a guy who just isn't that into you, when you could have long ago moved on to find a man who really likes you and would be thrilled to find the right girl so he can throw that profile right into the trash. 2
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 If I were you, I would just be like, "hey, saw you online—looks like we're still a good match!" or bring it up in a more lighthearted way. That way he won't feel like you're bringing the hammer down necessarily and won't get defensive. Are you in the team of women that think to catch a man you have to surprise him from behind and grab him before he has knowledge of your presence? 2
katiegrl Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 (edited) We haven’t had sex yet, katiegrl. I guess I’m kinda weird about that stuff. I am super attracted to him, and we’ve definitely made out and we’ve been VERY touchy-feely with each other, but no actual sex. For me, I’m not comfortable going all the way with someone unless I’m in an exclusive, monogamous relationship, and he has proven to be trustworthy and reliable. Right now, I’m questioning his intentions (as are many people on this thread), and the fact that I have even the slightest indication that he may be getting intimate with other women at the same time really grosses me out. Haha The funny thing is that all of this is actually causing more trouble than it’s worth (as many of you have pointed out). The whole situation is only making me more irritated and anxious the longer it goes on. The last time we hung out, I noticed those feelings showing in my interactions with him. NOT GOOD. So, yeah, gotta talk to him about it. Get it over with already. Haha! I understand about wanting to talk to him FIRST before having sex. That's been the advice to women on LS in general. However, the longer you wait, and the longer he remains on line, the more opportunity he has to meet another woman and click with her....and who WILL have the guts to talk to him...leading to sex.... leaving you out in the wind. You willing to take that chance? I sure wouldn't be!! Also, don't you want to have sex with him? It's been two months. I am beginning to think you are putting off talking to him because you're not ready to have sex with him (for whatever reason)? And you think by having "the talk" and agreeing to exclusivity, naturally you will be having sex after that. Anything to that? Edited August 13, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 OK, when exactly are you planning on doing this?? If I were you, I would just be like, "hey, saw you online—looks like we're still a good match!" or bring it up in a more lighthearted way. That way he won't feel like you're bringing the hammer down necessarily and won't get defensive. Ah! That’s actually a great idea! It’s funny, because I HAVE actually noticed that our match percentage has been going UP since we met. We were pretty highly matched to begin with, but the percentage has been climbing steadily. I haven’t answered any new match questions, so that means he probably has. Hmmm. We’re getting together on Saturday. Thank you for this! I've been trying to think of a clever way to bring it up with him, and this works. If I can’t talk about it with him this Saturday, I’m no longer allowed to get back on this thread and complain about it. Haha! No, but for real.
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 Ah! That’s actually a great idea! It’s funny, because I HAVE actually noticed that our match percentage has been going UP since we met. We were pretty highly matched to begin with, but the percentage has been climbing steadily. I haven’t answered any new match questions, so that means he probably has. Hmmm. We’re getting together on Saturday. Thank you for this! I've been trying to think of a clever way to bring it up with him, and this works. If I can’t talk about it with him this Saturday, I’m no longer allowed to get back on this thread and complain about it. Haha! No, but for real. It's actually a really bad idea. All it says is *Hey I saw you online and it's cool* Why pretend it's cool WHEN IT'S NOT. 1
katiegrl Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 It's actually a really bad idea. All it says is *Hey I saw you online and it's cool* Why pretend it's cool WHEN IT'S NOT. I agree! For the same reasons Gaeta stated above. You can talk to him about it more directly without making light of it... which like Gaeta said he will interpret as meaning it's cool with you that he's still on line. Which clearly you are not. What the hell are you so afraid of anyway? Just tell him you have seen him on line and ask him what's up? Not in an accusatory way...but in a sort of confused way. Is he still searching for other women to date? What? Because if that's the case, then you may have to move on, as, after two months, you are seeking something more exclusive. If he balks at that...then clearly he is NOT that into you hon...and you need to move on and find a man who is! Don't you want to know for heaven's sake? I don't get it.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 OP, I feel your pain, I suck at bringing things up as well but you really do need to address it. I have a friend who has been dating someone for two years who refuses to ask him where he sees things going in the future, and he hasn't brought it up himself. It's easy to waste a lot of time dating someone who may or may not be on the same page as you. Yeah, that's a situation I NEVER want to be in. That sounds awful, but I can see how easily that could happen.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 You are not pushing him into anything. You want to know where he is standing with you. You're not asking him to get off line, not asking him to commit, not asking him a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. He can answer A) I need more time to give someone exclusivity B) I am an idiot of course I want to be exclusive I will delete my profile. Pushing him away?? Are you kidding me! He's a man or a 2 year old? It's as simple as answering <do you want baked potato or french fries> Gaeta, I see your point, and I definitely agree with you, but... I don't think I've ever met a man (dating or otherwise) who doesn't have "2-year-old" tendencies. It does sound a bit silly to have to resort to these tactics or to have to over-analyze things so much, but my experiences have shown me that one must walk on egg shells with men when it comes to relationships. It's not exactly something they want to talk about. There's also this possible response: C) Crickets Can't tell you how many times I've received response C.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 You're choosing to stay stuck in this situation. I would have been long gone by now. I think you're wasting your time and energy on a guy who just isn't that into you, when you could have long ago moved on to find a man who really likes you and would be thrilled to find the right girl so he can throw that profile right into the trash. But he's so nice! Haha I know, I know... it just takes a lot for me to feel this kind of attraction for someone, and now that I've found it, I want to try to make it work. I have trouble seeing the "plenty of fish in the sea" side of things sometimes.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Are you in the team of women that think to catch a man you have to surprise him from behind and grab him before he has knowledge of your presence? Haha! Yes. I definitely am.
katiegrl Posted August 13, 2015 Posted August 13, 2015 It does sound a bit silly to have to resort to these tactics or to have to over-analyze things so much, but my experiences have shown me that one must walk on egg shells with men when it comes to relationships. It's not exactly something they want to talk about. There's also this possible response: C) Crickets Can't tell you how many times I've received response C. If that is truly how you feel, then sweetie you have been with the WRONG type of men! You may wish to explore that -- they type of men you choose to get involved with. Because believe it or not, I have rarely felt like I had to "walk on eggshells" in any of my relationships. And if I DID, I would be outta there!! 2
Author Lovelorn00 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Posted August 13, 2015 Also, don't you want to have sex with him? It's been two months. I am beginning to think you are putting off talking to him because you're not ready to have sex with him (for whatever reason)? And you think by having "the talk" and agreeing to exclusivity, naturally you will be having sex after that. Anything to that? Hmm. There might be something to that, I don't know. I certainly want to have sex with him, but like I mentioned before, I'm weird about those things. A lot of women go for it right away. It takes time for me to build the kind of trust I need to be there in order to do the deed. I'm not there with him yet. Even if he deleted his profile tomorrow, it would still take time for me to get there with him. Not a ton of time, but yeah. You might have something there.
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