He's Still Online. It's Driving Me Crazy. (UPDATED)

[veggirl]

After 2 mos he should have deleted it on his own. I deleted mine after my 1st date with my bf because we already had a 2nd planned, I really liked him and I wasn't interested in being contacted by (or contacting) other guys while I explored this one. I didn't expect his to be deleted THAT quickly but I did search for it a few weeks in and it was gone. Neither of us were serial online daters though (we were the only people each other met) so maybe that makes a difference? if someone does OLD a LOT they might leave it up longer? Still though, after 2 mos of regular dating, I'd expect it to be down without me having to mention it.

[Redhead14]

We are closing in on the 2-month mark. He still has his OkCupid profile up and logs in multiple times a day, and it crushes me every time I see it. We talk daily and see each other multiple times a week. No exclusivity talk yet, but I'm clearly just an option to him. I'm starting to suspect that I will never be enough, and it makes me incredibly sad. I know this is a common issue when it comes to dating online, but dang. It sucks.

 

You need to just man up and open a discussion with him. Don't pressure him. Just tell him you've been enjoying the time you've been spending with him and that you don't want to date anyone else now and then let him talk. Accept his response if it's not what you hope for and move on. If you stressing about it, it's only going to cause issues between you anyway. But, really, it's only been 2 months. Exclusivity usually comes up at about the 3 month mark.

 

I'd say just be a little more patient and let him lead the relationship and observe whether he's dating you the way you want to be dated and whether he's showing you enough to keep you interested.

 

Why do you say you are "clearly" an option to him? Has he been inconsistent in communication and seeing you? If he's otherwise making you a priority at least right now, I wouldn't worry too much about being online still. In fact, if I were you, I'd still be on line too. If you think a guy is keeping his options open, you do that too

[Leigh 87]

You need to just man up and open a discussion with him. Don't pressure him. Just tell him you've been enjoying the time you've been spending with him and that you don't want to date anyone else now and then let him talk. Accept his response if it's not what you hope for and move on. If you stressing about it, it's only going to cause issues between you anyway. But, really, it's only been 2 months. Exclusivity usually comes up at about the 3 month mark.

 

I'd say just be a little more patient and let him lead the relationship and observe whether he's dating you the way you want to be dated and whether he's showing you enough to keep you interested.

 

Why do you say you are "clearly" an option to him? Has he been inconsistent in communication and seeing you? If he's otherwise making you a priority at least right now, I wouldn't worry too much about being online still. In fact, if I were you, I'd still be on line too. If you think a guy is keeping his options open, you do that too

 

 

No exclusivity does NOT usually come up at the three month mark when two people are BOTH really into each other and experiencing strong limerence.

 

People act chill and casual and continue dating others for two or three months when they AREN'T THAT INTO YOU.

 

I suppose you don't need a great love story where two people really fall for each other and the sparks are flying. Because when that happens there is no room to want to date others.

 

Some people want a man to be enamoured by them.

 

Where as other women are find with a man being chill and casual and not falling hard for them and instead, skipping the butterflies and smitten feeling that some guys feel for a woman right away.

 

Posters like Ryby Slippers, Eternal Sunshine and myself all prefer a man who is really feeling the sparks from the outset and has us in their mind so much that they genuinely loose interest in dating other women upon over meeting us.

 

It seems to have worked out for Ruby. She is happily in a relationship with a man who was crazy about her from the outset. There was no trolling dating sites for him.

[katiegrl]

@ Leigh's post ......you can count me on the list of women whose boyfriends fell hard for them from the get go and had no desire to seek out or date other women after meeting me.

 

However, it could be like what losangelina posted about her experience. She kept her profile active and browsed from time to time even though she had no intention or desire to go out with other guys.

 

OP, just talk to him. Find out what he's about.....he may be absolutely crazy about you, just like losangelina was (is) crazy about her boyfriend, even though she still kept her profile up and even browsed from time to time.

 

Don't make assumptions...... communicate.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Gaeta]

OP's boyfriend logs on his profile several times a day. I would not compare it to 'from time to time'.

[Lovelorn00]

Bigger ovaries, I love it! A friend and I have an ongoing joke, because years ago I complained that there's no "female" equivalent to "that sucks b*lls," and he and I came up with "that sucks oves!"

 

Look, if he runs away, yes it'll sting, but he's doing you a favor in the long run. Better find out now than 6/9/12 months from now.

 

Also, you're not really in a holding pattern here necessarily. You've been seeing each other for 2 months, but you haven't slept together. In my mind that entitles you to continue seeing other men and maybe meeting one who will secure your exclusivity a bit faster.

 

You're in the driver's seat more than you think.

 

Thanks, losangelena! This is definitely a perspective that I hadn't considered, and one I'm slowly considering following. As mentioned earlier, I did recently reactivate my account, as I'm getting the impression that he's still looking. Therefore, I'm going to continue to look. The longer this goes on, though, the more it makes me want to accept the other date offers I'm getting, and now I'm not feeling so bad about it.

[Gaeta]

Thanks, losangelena! This is definitely a perspective that I hadn't considered, and one I'm slowly considering following. As mentioned earlier, I did recently reactivate my account, as I'm getting the impression that he's still looking. Therefore, I'm going to continue to look. The longer this goes on, though, the more it makes me want to accept the other date offers I'm getting, and now I'm not feeling so bad about it.

 

 

hhhmmm and how are you suppose to obtain an exclusive relationship if you both go back and forth online and never address the real matter at hand?

 

How many relationships never took off the ground because of this <oh well he's online so I'll be online too> instead of going straight for the truth.

[Lovelorn00]

Write out and rehearse what you're going to say, including writing down the questions or responses you think he may give so that you have an answer for that. This will help you to remain calm and cool and focused and you'll stay on topic as opposed to being led off into the weeds by some non sequitur he may throw out at you.

 

Kendahke, I should've taken your advice last night when he came over, but I totally chickened out. I will take the time to prepare my words so that this won't happen when we get together this weekend.

[Lovelorn00]

For God's sake, it's really simple.

 

Women don't HAVE to wait around for men who are really into them, when it comes to being exclusive.

 

Those are good observations, Leigh_87, but the fact that there can indeed be varying degrees of interest throughout the beginning stages of a relationship (or relationships, in general) makes it a little less simple. I hear what you're saying, though, and I'm on the same boat. I mean, it really, REALLY shouldn't be this hard. Haha. A man wants what a man wants, and if it's me he wants, he's going to show it and make damn sure no one else is in the picture. That's not what's going on here, unfortunately. But there are so many variables and reasons why someone acts a certain way, it's hard to accurately analyze what's really going on.

[Lovelorn00]

If you have to question or ask, they are not that into you.

 

 

For me if there is no "I can't get enough of you" intensity, I bale.

 

 

Boom - and therein lies the problem. I have a bad habit of settling for guys who are just "meh" about me with the hopes that it'll turn into something more. I agree with your statement. If I'm thinking about it this much... if it's worrying me this much, and if I have to constantly question what this guy's intentions and feelings are, he's not that into me. I really need to work on trusting my gut.

[Lovelorn00]

True. At the very least she should downgrade this guy to a light dating option when she has nothing better to do.

 

Then he'll be drawn to her apathy - but so what? If she has to be aloof to grab his attention, it will be fleeting, anyway.

 

I don't think he even deserves another date's worth of her attention, personally. Never cast your pearls before swine - or men you've been dating for a while who are still cruising the dating site.

 

And this is EXACTLY what I'm going to do. We have plans to get together this weekend, but I'm going to start being a little "busier" going forward, for sure.

[Lovelorn00]

Besides, two months and no sex? If these two are not waiting for marriage, it's about time to address that issue. I'm not saying she's gotta bone him, but that's quite a while to make someone wait AND expect exclusivity. Either way, it's time for her to talk.

 

Yes, indeed. You're both right. He needs to be downgraded to someone I'm not so damn invested in emotionally. I'll still see him, but I'm not going to move plans around to do that. And yes, I think it's still wise for me to go ahead and voice my concerns about him still being online and how that makes me feel, and maybe being a little less invested will make that convo easier. I mean, I definitely would like to bone him. Haha... but I just can't go there with him if I'm seeing evidence that he might be going there with a bunch of other women at the same time (keyword is "might be").

[Lovelorn00]

You need to just man up and open a discussion with him. Don't pressure him. Just tell him you've been enjoying the time you've been spending with him and that you don't want to date anyone else now and then let him talk. Accept his response if it's not what you hope for and move on. If you stressing about it, it's only going to cause issues between you anyway. But, really, it's only been 2 months. Exclusivity usually comes up at about the 3 month mark.

 

You're right, and that's not what I want to happen. This worry has been festering in me for a while, and it's eventually going to come out in my behavior in horrible ways.

 

I'd say just be a little more patient and let him lead the relationship and observe whether he's dating you the way you want to be dated and whether he's showing you enough to keep you interested.

 

I'll be a little more patient and a little less invested. Or try to, anyway. It's tough, though, because in every other aspect of our "relationship" he's treating me perfectly. Constantly asks to see me (while we're still on dates), texts often, calls VERY often, respects my boundaries, suggests activities, asks lots of of questions about my life and genuinely seems like he's incredibly interested in getting to know me. But then I see him online frequently, and my heart sinks, because it felt so genuine. I've been duped before, though.

 

Why do you say you are "clearly" an option to him? Has he been inconsistent in communication and seeing you? If he's otherwise making you a priority at least right now, I wouldn't worry too much about being online still. In fact, if I were you, I'd still be on line too. If you think a guy is keeping his options open, you do that too

 

Oh, that was just me being whiny and butt-hurt about the whole situation. I'll be fair - all of this is an assumption. "Clearly" was a poor choice of words, because I have no idea what he's doing when he logs in. I was just expressing how it made me feel. Yes, I am indeed back online, because if he is actually keeping his options open, I'm keeping mine open as well.

[Lovelorn00]

OP's boyfriend logs on his profile several times a day. I would not compare it to 'from time to time'.

 

Yes, I'd like to point out that through all of my creepy stalking of his online activity, I've noticed that he logs in MULTIPLE times per day, every day. I've never seen him skip a day.

[losangelena]

@ Leigh's post ......you can count me on the list of women whose boyfriends fell hard for them from the get go and had no desire to seek out or date other women after meeting me.

 

However, it could be like what losangelina posted about her experience. She kept her profile active and browsed from time to time even though she had no intention or desire to go out with other guys.

 

Yes, thank you.

 

I think Leigh and I are diametrically opposed on this topic and always will be. And that's fine.

 

Indeed, there ARE some couples who fall hard and thirst for each other and are obsessively into one another at the beginning, and that's fine and dandy. Sparks, chemistry, fireworks, whatever—it's all limerence. If that's your thing, then groovy.

 

However, I think it's not accurate to claim that each and every man who is "appropriately" invested will act in a certain manner. It's categorically untrue.

 

Because other couples, myself included, did not start off with a big woo-woo fireworks display of a relationship.

 

Do I feel like I missed out on this? No. I've had that kind of interaction with other men, and not only is it exhausting, but when it's over, oftentimes there is not enough of a steady foundation to keep the entire thing from crumbling. I would rather endure a slow start than to go full throttle in the beginning and risk burnout.

 

My BF and I did bypass a lot of that, but our relationship now, almost a year in, is deeper, more stable, (and yes even more passionate) than it was at the beginning, and I would rather that them some intense OMG feeling.

 

Either way, I think it's important to emphasize that TO EACH THEIR OWN and to not make blanket statements. The point here is that OP learn to communicate her needs and wants in a relationship. She'll have more peace of mind, and ultimately better relationships because of it.

[Lovelorn00]

No exclusivity does NOT usually come up at the three month mark when two people are BOTH really into each other and experiencing strong limerence.

 

People act chill and casual and continue dating others for two or three months when they AREN'T THAT INTO YOU.

 

I sort of agree. I know I mentioned two months, but it really is all based on a feeling for me. I'm into him, and he's given every indication that he's really into me as well... EXCEPT for the fact that he frequently logs into a dating site.

 

I suppose you don't need a great love story where two people really fall for each other and the sparks are flying. Because when that happens there is no room to want to date others.

 

Some people want a man to be enamoured by them.

 

Where as other women are find with a man being chill and casual and not falling hard for them and instead, skipping the butterflies and smitten feeling that some guys feel for a woman right away.

 

Posters like Ryby Slippers, Eternal Sunshine and myself all prefer a man who is really feeling the sparks from the outset and has us in their mind so much that they genuinely loose interest in dating other women upon over meeting us.

 

It seems to have worked out for Ruby. She is happily in a relationship with a man who was crazy about her from the outset. There was no trolling dating sites for him.

 

I'd PREFER to date a man who is enamoured by me in every way.... online and off. Haha! But... I know that the reality is that all relationships don't start out the same way. People fall in love with each other in different ways, at different times, at different speeds. I'm aware of this, and it's made me super open to the possibilities. However, being so open also makes situations like this very difficult, and that's why I'm here posting about it. Could he turn out to be the great love of my life? It's possible. Could he also turn out to be a player who isn't at all interested in a longterm relationship? That's also possible. That's why I've gotta move beyond just thinking of the possibilities or trying to analyze his actions and just talk to him. I guess. Ugh. Communicating is just so uncomfortable!! Haha

[Lovelorn00]

hhhmmm and how are you suppose to obtain an exclusive relationship if you both go back and forth online and never address the real matter at hand?

 

How many relationships never took off the ground because of this <oh well he's online so I'll be online too> instead of going straight for the truth.

 

It's game playing at its worst, for sure. Driven by fear of communication. As I mentioned to losangelena, I just need to grow some oves and talk to the boy, but I'm keeping my profile active until we reach an agreement.

[kendahke]

I use their presence on the dating site as the measure of their interest in me.

 

One man I dated took his profile down within 6 weeks. Not only did he take it down, his last update on his profile before he deleted it basically told anyone who read it to not waste their time writing.

 

The guy I just finished dealing with never took his down and was on it frequently, even though we were spending time with one another on a pretty regular basis. Guess he was looking for a lush... pfft

 

If they're not taking it down and are on it on a daily basis, then they're still looking and nothing about their interaction with you moves them to stop searching, even though they may be spending time with you. For them, it may be a matter of something to do to kill time until the one they're looking for turns up.

[Rejected Rosebud]

ALL the men that have been serious about me have taken their profiles down after the first date or two and asked me if I wanted to follow suit. Do you want a man who has to grow to love you and bypass the initial exciting stage where he falls hard for you ?

Plenty of girls are experiencing the EXCITING STAGE with guys who are also providing that for a couple of other girls at the same time! What you fail to realize is that the guys who are good at sweeping a girl off her feet in the way you are requiring are often just really good at sweeping a girl off her feet. Just because you experienced all this limerence doesn't really mean what you think it means necessarily!!

 

So anyway I don't think that has anything to do with the OP or most real relationships. I do think that if a person keeps their profile up they are definitely still open to finding more new people! :bunny:

[Gaeta]

Would be nice to have an update on here. OP must have had her conversation with bf by now.

[Lovelorn00]

Would be nice to have an update on here. OP must have had her conversation with bf by now.

 

Nope. OP didn’t have the conversation yet, because OP keeps chickening out, and OP really shouldn’t be in any kind of a relationship if OP can’t get up the nerve to have these basic, honest conversations with the people she’s dating. Haha!

UGH!! Why is this so hard?

I did something today that might open the door to that conversation, though. As I stated before, I recently reactivated my profile. However, I’ve been avoiding visiting his like the plague, because my account is not anonymous. Meaning, if I visit someone’s profile, they can see that I’ve visited. Well, instead of lurking and sneaking and checking his online status via Google, I visited his profile using my profile. Within the hour, he also visited my profile.

 

So, now we both know that we’re both actively using this stupid dating site. There’s a big, fat awkward elephant in the room now, and at this point, we kind of have to talk about it, now that it’s so out in the open. He knows that I know. I know that he knows. It’s just a matter of who’s going to bring it up first at this point.

[Gaeta]

See, if you had followed my advice you'd know exactly where he stands :-)

 

If a man really wanted to be with you he would not play this little game. He would make it clear that he is only interested in dating you and you should both get off of that shytty-online-dating.

[sb6052]

I don't know; I always got a little peeved by girls who constantly check online dating profiles of guys they're seeing and who don't seem to realize the double standards or hypocrisy in doing that.

 

I was with one who I never had an exclusive talk with (and who even wanted to keep messing around with me after I basically broke up with her), who started bringing up why I was active on a dating site. I'm like... I could ask you the same thing. And her response would be something like I just wanted to see your pictures cause I missed you. Ha.

 

It got to the point where she started linking the way I acted certain days with me going on the dating site. Complete coincidences that had no real connection or basis in reality but this chick started imagining connections, like that I would be on the dating site after saying something [she interpreted as] rude to her (?) Women are weird sometimes, and can get obsessive.

 

Anyway I agree if you really are getting more serious then maybe there's no need to be on those. But who takes profiles down after a first date or two? Seeing how precarious the whole online dating process is and how easily people can get dumped, why would someone just put all their eggs into one basket so early and do that? If anything, I bet some girls get turned off by men who do that, thinking that they have no options and are desperate and needy and jump the gun, thinking that they're already in a relationship after a date or two.

[Gaeta]

I was with one who I never had an exclusive talk with

 

You never had an exclusive talk with her because you did not want exclusivity with her. That is exactly my point. A man that is online daily and sees his girl online and says nothing is not a man that wants exclusivity. He's a man that wants to casually date till something better comes by.

 

Anyway I agree if you really are getting more serious then maybe there's no need to be on those. But who takes profiles down after a first date or two?

 

They have been dating for 2 months that's not 1-2 dates. At this point both of them being online is ridiculous. A man doesn't need 2 months to know if he likes a woman enough to concentrate on her or not. Men I were exclusive with brought up the exclusivity talk after 3 dates.

 

I wouldn't do this to myself. I would not give 2 months of my precious time to a man and then see him log on a dating site several times a day. If a man is still interested in online dating others after he met me 4-5 times I let him go.

[Lovelorn00]

I don't know; I always got a little peeved by girls who constantly check online dating profiles of guys they're seeing and who don't seem to realize the double standards or hypocrisy in doing that.

 

True. Now that my profile has been reactivated, I’m basically doing the same thing he’s doing. I hear ya.

However, my reasons for being back online aren’t the same (I don’t believe). I only reactivated my profile, because I noticed he was still actively online (I checked it using Google, not by logging in).

I figured if he’s still keeping his options open, I should do the same (eggs in one basket thing). Now, does he know that? Probably not. Because I’m too yellow-bellied to bring it up.

I agree that it CAN be a turnoff for both sexes when one seems way too eager to start a relationship, but in this case, we’ve moved beyond a date or two, so I'm not sure that applies here.