Lack of physical attraction

[Qboro90]

I'm sort of odd. The things i care for in a relationship are usually things most people don't give a damn about. He's smart and easy to talk to and that's really all that matters.

I haven't compared him to my ex.

Here's the thing: you cant get to know me in person, there's no way for that. And i'm not interested in wasting time in talking to people i meet to get to know them. I learn more about people in the way they type than what they actually say when typing.

 

i'm not over my ex and i wont be for many many years and i have no plans to wait that long before having kids. Besides, this guy has also a bad history with his latest ex that he's still sort of attached to.

 

 

 

Could you please explain this a bit? "You can't get to know me in person, there's no way for that.... More interested in the way they type than what they're typing".

 

Is this like a cyber/fantasy world/life that you are involved in? (Not judging that at all by the way, I just am trying to understand the dynamics of how and what you consider a relationship and knowing someone).

 

To follow up on that.... If this is an online relationship... Then what the heck does physical attraction have to do with it whatsoever? Why don't you just conjure up a projection of what you're attracted to? Forgive me if that's not an option, this entire thing is foreign to me so the dynamics of how you can connect and "date" don't make sense. And if in fact it is strictly an online thing and you don't want anyone who is close to where you live then why meet him at all?

 

Without knowing you more I don't want to make any assumptions. However I fear that you'll never actually experience what a partner and relationship can be if this is how you think you "can get to know someone". Anyone can type and project to be someone they're not with enough practice and insight.

[PrettyEmily77]

OP, I was in your shoes (somewhat) a few months back - had met this great guy online, everything seemed fine apart from the fact that I wasn't attracted to him at all physically. Not to say he wasn't attractive; he just wasn't my type, which is a non-starter for any R, IMO.

 

 

Now I didn't have the ex issue, and I did want to meet him to gauge whether or not I thought we would be compatible IRL. I'm of the opinion that ppl or your attraction to them don't really change that much IRL and OL but I just wanted to check whether I would be missing sthg just because I hadn't met him IRL.

 

 

In the end I didn't, purely down to the fact that I wasn't bothered / attracted enough. The distance + the fact I hadn't seen him IRL + not being attracted to him physically were all signs I actually wasn't attracted enough to make an effort; just as well, because I met my now BF soon after, and will actually be visiting online guy and his GF next week with my BF (we kept in touch and are very good friends now).

 

 

What I'm trying to say is that if there are too many obstacles (the ex, the lack of physical attraction, etc.), it could be a sign that this R is destined for a great friendship rather than anything else.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

to make things clear:

 

1. Everything about my ex is to be found on other threads on here.

 

2. I've met many people irl, do i like it? nope, i sit there, stare at the time and wait until i can go home, i don't really appreciate social company at all, only with my family

 

3. No, there's no way to meet him just for the day.

 

4. I have no intention to keep it a cyber relationship, he has started his previous ones online as well and then moved in with them later, so not a problem, besides, we want the same thing so it's not like anyone of us have to give up our life for the other person.

 

5. I am romantically attracted to him, but not sexually attracted to him. Maybe i'm asexual? i don't know. I've had my mind set on my ex for so long even though i know i can't get him back, that way i wont be hurt by other people. I had honestly never expected to meet someone as perfect as this.

 

 

Anyway, here's the thing. I plan to do an insemination within two years. I do not want to hurt this guy. I will not let anyone close to me again, by choice, no matter what other people think of that. I'm just curious if it's worth the risk or if it'll only hurt him in the end, because that's something i can't live with.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

I'm not interested in dating. I don't want several relationships. I dont' wanna waste the time and i seriously don't give a damn about gaining experience.

I don't need someone else to be happy, i do want kids and that can be managed on my own as well.

Do i want to get married? Sure, but for practical matters mostly and then political and relgious views must be the same as mine and so the way of raising the kids, moral, ethical principles, goals in life etc. I'm not interested in wasting years just to get my heart broken again.

[katiegrl]

to make things clear:

 

1. Everything about my ex is to be found on other threads on here.

 

2. I've met many people irl, do i like it? nope, i sit there, stare at the time and wait until i can go home, i don't really appreciate social company at all, only with my family

 

3. No, there's no way to meet him just for the day.

 

4. I have no intention to keep it a cyber relationship, he has started his previous ones online as well and then moved in with them later, so not a problem, besides, we want the same thing so it's not like anyone of us have to give up our life for the other person.

 

5. I am romantically attracted to him, but not sexually attracted to him. Maybe i'm asexual? i don't know.

 

------

 

**I've had my mind set on my ex for so long even though i know i can't *get him back,* that way i wont be hurt by other people. ***

 

--------

 

I had honestly never expected to meet someone as perfect as this.

 

 

Anyway, here's the thing. I plan to do an insemination within two years. I do not want to hurt this guy. I will not let anyone close to me again, by choice, no matter what other people think of that. I'm just curious if it's worth the risk or if it'll only hurt him in the end, because that's something i can't live with.

 

Sweetie, re quote in asterisk above, hate to break this to ya, but since you never met or had interactions with your ex in person, you never "had" him in the first place.

 

There is no "getting back" with him or anyone you never had.

 

You may have a fear of intimacy (getting too close to someone emotionally and physically) which would explain your preference for cyber relationships or RL kept at a distance. As in long distance.

 

Have you explored that possibility?

[Loveisonlyformovies]

Sweetie, re quote in asterisk above, hate to break this to ya, but since you never met or had interactions with your ex in person, you never "had" him in the first place.

 

There is no "getting back" with him or anyone you never had.

 

You may have a fear of intimacy which would explain your preference for cyber relationships or RL kept at a distance. As in long distance.

 

Have you explored that possibility?

 

haha this thread is not about my ex, my ex is the devil, trust me.

 

Fear of intimacy? I'm just not a fan of physical contact^^ I dont want anyone close because i dont wanna be stuck here, as soon as school is done i'm leaving this country and need someone with the same plans. I genuinely hate my country and want nothing to do with it. I barely even use my language anymore and dating someone from my area would destroy my dreams.

 

And sorry, but your comment is completely irrelevant for this topic.

[katiegrl]

What makes you so sure this new guy won't break your heart?

 

There are never ever any guarantees in life, love relationships.

 

You are so worried about breaking his heart, he could just as easily break yours.

 

So if your fear of getting hurt really runs that deep, I would suggest you stop datng or interacting with guys altogether, whether cyber or real life.

 

Feelings can change on a dime, including his.

 

It is all risk, and if you are not willing to take that risk, which might hurt you, then just stop dating and be alone for the rest of your life.

[katiegrl]

haha this thread is not about my ex, my ex is the devil, trust me.

 

 

***Fear of intimacy? I'm just not a fan of physical contact^^ I dont want anyone close because i dont wanna be stuck here, as soon as school is done i'm leaving this country and need someone with the same plans. ****

 

 

 

I genuinely hate my country and want nothing to do with it. I barely even use my language anymore and dating someone from my area would destroy my dreams.

 

And sorry, but your comment is completely irrelevant for this topic.

 

You said in a prior post you NEVER want to be hurt again.

 

THAT my dear is a symptom of a "fear of intimacy."

 

Research it, you may learn something new about yourself.

[guest569]

Why do you hate Sweden? I thought it was ranked one of the top countries in the world.

[katiegrl]

Why do you hate Sweden? I thought it was ranked one of the top countries in the world.

 

Well she said in a prior post she dislikes socializing with people in real life, it bores her ....except her family, so it probably doesn't matter where she lives. Her boredom with people will follow her wherever she goes.

Edited August 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Loveisonlyformovies]

Sad how few people can actually stay on topic here...

 

I won't get hurt, that's for sure.

And I really don't mind being social outside of this country.

 

And Sweden is not good in any way unless you're a Muslim. If you're not, then you're classified as a racist with no rights.

 

I'd gladly do an arranged marriage with no feelings involved. That's actually how I started talking with this guy. But I won't do marriage without physical attraction.

 

And please, if you can't stay on topic and answer my question on this thread, please refrain from answering at all...

[Loveisonlyformovies]

And to clarify : this guy is not bad looking. I'm just unable being attracted to anyone but my ex

[katiegrl]

Sad how few people can actually stay on topic here...

 

I won't get hurt, that's for sure.

And I really don't mind being social outside of this country.

 

And Sweden is not good in any way unless you're a Muslim. If you're not, then you're classified as a racist with no rights.

 

I'd gladly do an arranged marriage with no feelings involved. That's actually how I started talking with this guy. But I won't do marriage without physical attraction.

 

And please, if you can't stay on topic and answer my question on this thread, please refrain from answering at all...

 

We find it difficult to stay on topic hon because your topics keep changing!

 

Along with your thoughts and what you post ...so hell yeah it's difficult.

 

As for me, I am only responding to things you yourself have posted on this thread, so if you don't wish to receive responses re those things, don't post about them!

 

That said, I just read some of your past threads. You KNOW you have issues sweets....not my place to mention them here, but you know they exist.

 

So I am gracefully exiting this thread, hope you can get some good professional help (not from the quacks you've been seeing)....and hopefully figure this all out.

 

Wish you the best.

[HereNorThere]

Sad how few people can actually stay on topic here...

 

I won't get hurt, that's for sure.

And I really don't mind being social outside of this country.

 

And Sweden is not good in any way unless you're a Muslim. If you're not, then you're classified as a racist with no rights.

 

I'd gladly do an arranged marriage with no feelings involved. That's actually how I started talking with this guy. But I won't do marriage without physical attraction.

 

And please, if you can't stay on topic and answer my question on this thread, please refrain from answering at all...

 

I say just go ahead and convert to Islam. It would solve your hating Sweden thing, the fear of intimacy and physical contact and you get the arranged marriage, BAM, problem solved.

 

In all seriousness you need to:

 

Get to a therapist as soon as possible. In Sweden it's free!

 

Tell the police about whoever touched you as a child and get them locked up

 

Stop trash talking Sweden. I know damn well that it's not a bad of a place. You think Sweden is bad? It an effing utopia compared to 90% of the world. All that universal health care and free education must be so hard on you. I'd love to drop your ungrateful arse in east Los Angeles for a few days and see what you think about Sweden after that.

 

Stop it with your OCD pity party. Oh it most be so hard for you to live in arguably one of the best places in the world. Oh, and about your weird xenophobic comments about Sweden and Islam, Sweden is the most non-religious country with the highest rate of agnostics/atheists in the world. You have no idea how lucky you are. Try living over here I'm the states where your leaders are talking to invisible people that tell them it's okay to persecute gays and minorities.

 

You should probably print your post for therapist btw. Might save you a little time explaining everything.

[wb1988]

For goodness sake!

Don't invite a guy to stay with you if you have never even met him.

 

Have you ever had a relationship that was in person and not just online?

 

I once asked out a girl I met on 'Are you interested' (it was popular until like 5 years ago). She ended up calling 1 hour before the date to cancel. Later that night she called again and asked for me to just go to her place at night and to bring xxx. We made out a lot and I gave myself an HJ with her beside me in her bed as she stared at me. Bear in mind that she never met me before and the first time I saw her was when she opened the door, about 5 minutes before I undid her bra.

 

Did I gf her? of course not. If I was a girl I'd never invite a guy that you've never met haha!

 

I know how i feel about my ex. The point with this thread is to find out if attraction can grow and how important attraction is, if it's really worth giving up what could be the best thing that will ever happen to me. I know for sure i wont be attracted to him when meeting him due to my feelings for my ex, that's what bothers me, but i can't let those feelings control and destroy my life anymore and time clearly doensn't solve it

 

I dated this really cute girl for a few months in university. She was super cute, sweet, kind and my dad once met her and thought she was lovely. The problem was although she was attractive I didn't find her attractive that much at the time. Later on she broke up with me and I found her attractive after. We got back together, broke up, on and off for a few years before it was totally over. Yes I think attraction can grow, it doesn't necessarily have to start high and go down.

Edited August 2, 2015 by wb1988

[PrettyEmily77]

Anyway, here's the thing. I plan to do an insemination within two years. I do not want to hurt this guy. I will not let anyone close to me again, by choice, no matter what other people think of that. I'm just curious if it's worth the risk or if it'll only hurt him in the end, because that's something i can't live with.

 

 

My guess is that yeah, it would probs hurt him, and not just in the end. Looks like you've got your life panned out for the next few years whether he's in it or not.

 

 

If there's no real desire for you to be in a R, then don't be. That wouldn't be fair on him - unless he also has issues with physical intimacy and / or is willing to agree to a lifetime without it, and unless he's ok to just be an add-on to your life. I know I wouldn't like it. Just my 0.2.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

I say just go ahead and convert to Islam. It would solve your hating Sweden thing, the fear of intimacy and physical contact and you get the arranged marriage, BAM, problem solved.

 

In all seriousness you need to:

 

Get to a therapist as soon as possible. In Sweden it's free!

 

Tell the police about whoever touched you as a child and get them locked up

 

Stop trash talking Sweden. I know damn well that it's not a bad of a place. You think Sweden is bad? It an effing utopia compared to 90% of the world. All that universal health care and free education must be so hard on you. I'd love to drop your ungrateful arse in east Los Angeles for a few days and see what you think about Sweden after that.

 

Stop it with your OCD pity party. Oh it most be so hard for you to live in arguably one of the best places in the world. Oh, and about your weird xenophobic comments about Sweden and Islam, Sweden is the most non-religious country with the highest rate of agnostics/atheists in the world. You have no idea how lucky you are. Try living over here I'm the states where your leaders are talking to invisible people that tell them it's okay to persecute gays and minorities.

 

You should probably print your post for therapist btw. Might save you a little time explaining everything.

 

Therapy is not free and sweden has among the worst education in the world, we're failing at most international test. That sweden is great is a myth, the muslims has taken over and are changing this country after themselves. We don't even have a democracy anymore after last year. Only on paper.

 

The healthcare is also crap and only free if you're an illegal immigrant. Don't make such a big deal out of something you know nothing about it. If you want the good swedish life, make sure to go to prison, that's the only way to get the luxury you described.

 

 

I really don't know what the **** your problem is but you're really not keeping to the topic or are of any use to me at all, so please leave and ruin someone else's thread thank you!

[Loveisonlyformovies]

I once asked out a girl I met on 'Are you interested' (it was popular until like 5 years ago). She ended up calling 1 hour before the date to cancel. Later that night she called again and asked for me to just go to her place at night and to bring xxx. We made out a lot and I gave myself an HJ with her beside me in her bed as she stared at me. Bear in mind that she never met me before and the first time I saw her was when she opened the door, about 5 minutes before I undid her bra.

 

Did I gf her? of course not. If I was a girl I'd never invite a guy that you've never met haha!

 

 

 

I dated this really cute girl for a few months in university. She was super cute, sweet, kind and my dad once met her and thought she was lovely. The problem was although she was attractive I didn't find her attractive that much at the time. Later on she broke up with me and I found her attractive after. We got back together, broke up, on and off for a few years before it was totally over. Yes I think attraction can grow, it doesn't necessarily have to start high and go down.

 

 

We're meeting up as friends and that's all. He's very much aware of that. i'm not dumb, i don't invite strangers without a good background check and i always make sure i have all the safety i need. He's not like you, if he was then i'd never have invited him over.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

My guess is that yeah, it would probs hurt him, and not just in the end. Looks like you've got your life panned out for the next few years whether he's in it or not.

 

 

If there's no real desire for you to be in a R, then don't be. That wouldn't be fair on him - unless he also has issues with physical intimacy and / or is willing to agree to a lifetime without it, and unless he's ok to just be an add-on to your life. I know I wouldn't like it. Just my 0.2.

 

I don't mind a relationship as long it's my last one, otherwise i'm good on my own. I don't have problem with physical intimacy, i just don't like it which he is well aware of and has no problem with. That doesn't mean there won't be any physical contact at all because in that case i wouldn't require physical attraction.

[HereNorThere]

If you're looking for a pretend internet boyfriend, girl, you came to the right place.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

If you're looking for a pretend internet boyfriend, girl, you came to the right place.

 

Uhm, what are you going on about?

[PrettyEmily77]

I don't mind a relationship as long it's my last one, otherwise i'm good on my own. I don't have problem with physical intimacy, i just don't like it which he is well aware of and has no problem with. That doesn't mean there won't be any physical contact at all because in that case i wouldn't require physical attraction.

 

 

He has no pb with it now because it's all OL for now IMO, and at a guess, if he's a decent enough guy and has any kind of self-respect, he'll have a pb having physical contact with someone who is not attracted to him. I know I can't have any type of contact with someone I'm not attracted to, and can't think of any situation that would make it ok. I would also absolutely not agree to physical contact with someone who isn't attracted to me and is totally open about it.

[Loveisonlyformovies]

I understand your view.

I guess it's worth mention that I had zero attraction for my ex the first 5 months or so. If i got rid of the hurt feelings from my ex, there could be a chance i get attracted to this guy as well.

[PrettyEmily77]

I understand your view.

I guess it's worth mention that I had zero attraction for my ex the first 5 months or so. If i got rid of the hurt feelings from my ex, there could be a chance i get attracted to this guy as well.

 

Ok, but what is he supposed to do in the time you figure out whether or not the physical attraction is coming?

 

 

Unless he's cool with waiting for you to get rid of the ex issue, it just seems a little selfish to me (just my opinion, obvs.). Never personally experienced physical attraction to be growing over time out of nowhere because it's there or it isn't for me, tho I get that other ppl can experience it differently.

[crederer]

I think the major concern is that you're not over your ex, and are still in a stage of making comparisons. It sounds like you enjoy the attention from the new guy, but it doesn't go much further than that.

 

Physical attraction do not grow in my opinion, but you start liking the person for what they are, and minor physical flaws stop being a big issue. Nevertheless, physical/sexual attraction of some sort is a prerequisite for a relationship, if you feel repulsed from the person 1)it will be a torture for you 2)he will know it subconsciously;(

 

In my opinion, don't lead him on. The fact that he's a good boyfriend material doesn't make him a good boyfriend for you.

 

I have to agree with this.

 

And generally speaking you need to have some form of attraction to them. I don't mean it necessarily in the complete physical sense. I've been with girls that aren't traditionally attractive but due to their other attributes I had a desire to be with them and near them (in other words I guess you could say I was attracted to them).

 

I've been with really physically attractive girls and some not so much so but you come to realise that this type of thing wears off fast. After you get serious it's just them, you know? Their appearance in a lot of ways almost disappears. I dunno if I'm articulating the point all that well....