Best way to handle still angry BS?

[truncated]

I understand that is how she sees it. I feel very badly about that.

 

But basically, no matter what I do, for the rest of my life, I will always be in the wrong because of one bad decision? You all firmly believe that no OW can ever see the error of their ways, be remorseful and work hard to become a better person? Or does that only apply if we DON'T end up with the MM?

 

These words indicate that for all your platitudes, you really don't get it.

 

In her mind, you will always be in the wrong, and she is under no obligation to chance that mindset. If you can't understand why she might very well feel that way, then your therapy is doing little more than alleviating your guilt.

[Furious]

The only thing that bothers me on this thread is the lack of focus on the kids- too many people talking about defending your rights or talking about what you did wrong and not enough about those kids- stay focused on them and the rest will work itself out- lose sight of the kids and you will all regret it-

 

 

I agree the kids are caught in the middle, and considering the kids and parents were friends on both sides just adds to the turmoil.

 

When an affair happens and it leads to their parent's divorce is harder enough. But when it involves a family friend and they've been friends it's a very delicate time for kids to wrap their minds around it and deal with their hurt and the hurt of their parent who was deceived.

[velvette]

The ideal situation would be for the two of you to move to the next neighborhood that's in a different school system.

 

 

Did you read the info on PTSD that was posted? She likely feels some version of that whenever she sees you or possibly her H as well.

 

 

How did you end up "inadveretenly" parked to each other. I would think either of you would recognize each others cars.

 

 

Discuss boundaries with your therapist.

 

 

When the drama at the car started, you could have just driven off. Presumably he knows how to contact you/where to find you. What was the point of staying for that especially with the kids in the middle of it?

 

 

Chaperoning the dance was a mistake imo.

 

 

You cant really complain unless she does something illegal to you when you put yourself smack dab in the middle of someone elses divorce, especially when they know you have already been in the middle of their M.

 

 

You are way too involved in what goes on between them and the details of their D? Why?

 

 

This is a perpetuation of the affair triangle. Can the two of you not have a relationship without her as the third party/bad guy propping you up? Discuss with your therapist.

 

 

When you step away from this your MM will be forced to deal with it on his own as he should be doing. She's his soon to be ex not yours.

[daisygirl19]

i hardly think that chaperoning a school dance is that important to him that he would be crushed if you explained gently to him why you feel it may be best to skip it this year. There must be some other activity that you could have done with your son, and I;m sure the school would have understood you not being able to chaperon.

 

It sounds more like you are thinking of yourself here. You don't feel like you should have to change anything else in your life to accommodate her. You have dug in your heels and aren't budging on things that my make this easier for her to accept the situation. That it hurting the kids every bit as much as she is.

 

Why should SHE have to give up chaperoning if she wants to, just because it would make things easier for you? Haven't you already taken enough from this woman? Maybe she wanted to see her daughter at the dance, just like you wanted to see your son.

 

It's very easy for you to sit up on your high horse and explain how you feel she should act, but unless you have been in her position, you have zero idea what she is going through.

 

I suppose I look at this differently. In this specific situation, I am on the committee and have organized chaperons for the last two years. It wasn't even so much about me seeing my daughter at the dance. I see her at plenty of dances. It was about me fulfilling my obligations. I do a lot of work with this committee. I should cease that because she decided 24 hours in advance of the last dance of the year (biggest one, all hands on deck) because she wanted to go? We are in an unusual situation where we have no choice but to be in the same vicinity of each other at times. I am sorry my presence pains her, but there are limits to what I can do to to prevent it.

[daisygirl19]

These words indicate that for all your platitudes, you really don't get it.

 

In her mind, you will always be in the wrong, and she is under no obligation to chance that mindset. If you can't understand why she might very well feel that way, then your therapy is doing little more than alleviating your guilt.

 

I DO understand why she feels that way. That was never my question.

[daisygirl19]

The ideal situation would be for the two of you to move to the next neighborhood that's in a different school system.

 

That is not an option. That would have a negative affect on the kids.

 

Did you read the info on PTSD that was posted? She likely feels some version of that whenever she sees you or possibly her H as well.

 

I need to do this. Thanks.

 

How did you end up "inadveretenly" parked to each other. I would think either of you would recognize each others cars.

 

Fair question. It is a very small, crowded parking lot. Never enough spaces. We were parked on the lawn area. I honestly don't even know who was parked first. I didn't even pay attention. I was rushing from work and literally running to the field to catch my daughter's game.

 

 

 

When the drama at the car started, you could have just driven off. Presumably he knows how to contact you/where to find you. What was the point of staying for that especially with the kids in the middle of it?

 

Exactly what I did.

 

 

You cant really complain unless she does something illegal to you when you put yourself smack dab in the middle of someone elses divorce, especially when they know you have already been in the middle of their M.

 

Again, not complaining.

 

 

This is a perpetuation of the affair triangle. Can the two of you not have a relationship without her as the third party/bad guy propping you up? Discuss with your therapist.

 

I don't believe this is the case.

[autumnnight]

I suppose I look at this differently. In this specific situation, I am on the committee and have organized chaperons for the last two years. It wasn't even so much about me seeing my daughter at the dance. I see her at plenty of dances. It was about me fulfilling my obligations. I do a lot of work with this committee. I should cease that because she decided 24 hours in advance of the last dance of the year (biggest one, all hands on deck) because she wanted to go? We are in an unusual situation where we have no choice but to be in the same vicinity of each other at times. I am sorry my presence pains her, but there are limits to what I can do to to prevent it.

 

 

I could be wrong, but did you think of this?

 

You said her child usually does NOT attend. Think about it, the kids have seen all this go on, she has lost her father as a full time dad, and your son was going to be there. Maybe her daughter ASKED the mom to be there for moral support. Maybe the daughter wanted her mom there as kind of...an emotional anchor.

 

It would have been fine to do all your committee and prep work and bow out of a couple of hours at the dance. Of course, it is too late now, but consider that there may be more going on next time this happens.

[elaine567]

I know there is a huge competition between the OW and the wife, years of frustration, years of jealousy, years of uncertainty on the part of the OW, behind all this. Part of the time the wife didn't even know she was in a competition, but YOU did from day one.

 

BUT once YOU were victorious, YOU were in control.

YOU are now "it", YOU decide, YOU get to shove her nose in the dirt, when YOU feel like it.

YOU can stand back and tut with you SO about the way she acts, about her instability, about her "pettiness", about her idiocy.

All it needs is a roll of the eyes and a raise of the eyebrows from YOU, and all her concerns and her arguments are null and void... She is the crazy wife and you are simply being magnanimous. Only that is I guess, not true.

 

I see your "Oh so contrite", "I feel so guilty" statements, but what I get most here, is smugness and arrogance, and that is not attractive.

 

Get off your high horse, and at least try to make this work for the sake of the kids.

[minimariah]

Maybe the daughter wanted her mom there as kind of...an emotional anchor.

 

if this was the case, it makes the BS look really bad because if her daughter needed the support -- she should've come to the dance with or without the OP attending. in my understanding, she refused to show up if the OP was there -- meaning, she put her needs before her child's.

[Furious]

I suppose I look at this differently. In this specific situation, I am on the committee and have organized chaperons for the last two years. It wasn't even so much about me seeing my daughter at the dance. I see her at plenty of dances. It was about me fulfilling my obligations. I do a lot of work with this committee. I should cease that because she decided 24 hours in advance of the last dance of the year (biggest one, all hands on deck) because she wanted to go? We are in an unusual situation where we have no choice but to be in the same vicinity of each other at times. I am sorry my presence pains her, but there are limits to what I can do to to prevent it.

 

Ironic, that you resent the BS inserting herself in your "commitment" as a school dance chaperon but inserted yourself in her marriage and kids life. As to why the BS's child rarely goes to these dances seems obvious.

 

As for the MM, it seems he's clued out on how it's affecting his own children that going to a school dance, a fun and right of passage for young teens has turned into a battle ground. Where was he that night?

 

The more I see from the drama and dysfunction that adults create for their children it really saddens me.

 

As for your "I am sorry my presence pains her, but there are limits to what I can do to prevent it." It's as though the child of the BS, the child of your SO, is a non issue.

[daisygirl19]

I could be wrong, but did you think of this?

 

You said her child usually does NOT attend. Think about it, the kids have seen all this go on, she has lost her father as a full time dad, and your son was going to be there. Maybe her daughter ASKED the mom to be there for moral support. Maybe the daughter wanted her mom there as kind of...an emotional anchor.

 

It would have been fine to do all your committee and prep work and bow out of a couple of hours at the dance. Of course, it is too late now, but consider that there may be more going on next time this happens.

 

It's my daughter and her son. Sorry for the confusion. My daughter is a grade higher. This was a 6th grade dance. The last 6th grade dance of the year is open to 5th graders. This is the one her son attended. He has been to plenty of 5th grade dances, but she has never once chaperoned them.

[daisygirl19]

Ironic, that you resent the BS inserting herself in your "commitment" as a school dance chaperon but inserted yourself in her marriage and kids life. As to why the BS's child rarely goes to these dances seems obvious.

 

As for the MM, it seems he's clued out on how it's affecting his own children that going to a school dance, a fun and right of passage for young teens has turned into a battle ground. Where was he that night?

 

The more I see from the drama and dysfunction that adults create for their children it really saddens me.

 

As for your "I am sorry my presence pains her, but there are limits to what I can do to prevent it." It's as though the child of the BS, the child of your SO, is a non issue.

 

I have no problem with her being there. I never once said I did. The kids are not an issue. Her son was great at the dance, and every time I see him. I never once approached him, or her at the dance. I was there to chaperon.

[daisygirl19]

I know there is a huge competition between the OW and the wife, years of frustration, years of jealousy, years of uncertainty on the part of the OW, behind all this. Part of the time the wife didn't even know she was in a competition, but YOU did from day one.

 

BUT once YOU were victorious, YOU were in control.

YOU are now "it", YOU decide, YOU get to shove her nose in the dirt, when YOU feel like it.

YOU can stand back and tut with you SO about the way she acts, about her instability, about her "pettiness", about her idiocy.

All it needs is a roll of the eyes and a raise of the eyebrows from YOU, and all her concerns and her arguments are null and void... She is the crazy wife and you are simply being magnanimous. Only that is I guess, not true.

 

I see your "Oh so contrite", "I feel so guilty" statements, but what I get most here, is smugness and arrogance, and that is not attractive.

 

Get off your high horse, and at least try to make this work for the sake of the kids.

 

I honestly never once saw it as a competition. I understand that in some ways it may have been one, but that was never my driving force or something I thought about. I don't feel as though I "won" anything, I don't feel as though I am in control of anything. I have never rubbed anything in her face. It is not at all my intention to come across and smug or arrogant. I'm sorry you're seeing it that way.

[velvette]

It's my daughter and her son. Sorry for the confusion. My daughter is a grade higher. This was a 6th grade dance. The last 6th grade dance of the year is open to 5th graders. This is the one her son attended. He has been to plenty of 5th grade dances, but she has never once chaperoned them.

 

 

So what?

 

 

Lets assume the worst that she set you up for confrontation or simply to annoy you, make you uncomfortable.

 

 

That game can only happen if you let it.

 

 

Further, I reread your initial post and realized that every thing you relayed to us was a blow by blow(other than what you saw at the car) from him of her behavior, texts, phone messages etc.

 

 

Tell him to stop sharing all that stuff. Its between them. Why do you even need to listen to it, analyze it, dissect it or advise him on it. He is a grownup and should be able to or learn to deal with the woman hes going to have to have some R with because of his kids whether they D or not. Stay out of it. Stop looking for a battle.

 

 

Without you to whine to, if she is being unreasonable he will eventually get fed up enough to resolve this on his own.

[cocorico]

You didn't...Her perceived/denied reality did. That is not on you.

 

At this point you/and xh have to stop walking on eggshells.

 

I agree with this. I think she will continue to behave badly as long as you enable her.

 

My H's xBW is also of the scene-making persuasion, and caused her kids untold embarrassment post-split - as a result of which her R with them is permanently damaged. But we didn't hide, and I refused to go away or pretend I didn't exist. If the kids wanted me at events I went - they were kids; she was (supposedly) an adult. When she didn't get her way, she stopped putting herself in places where she knew we were likely to be.

 

My H was also initially inclined to overcompensate in the financial settlement, because he felt bad for her and wanted her to be OK. She overstepped the mark, and his lawyer gave him a stern talking to, as did friends. Her own lawyer told her her claims were groundless, and of course the courts would never have supported her claims, so in the end she had to settle for what was a generous settlement but far far less than the total financial wipeout she was hoping to inflict. Your partner needs to take the advice of a good lawyer and strive for a settlement that is fair - anything else will only cause resentment down the line, whichever way it goes.

[Sandy43]

I am confused as to why no one seems to believe that I am empathetic to her? Clearly I feel as though I am. I try very hard to see things from her perspective. I am well aware of what I have done and how I contributed to her pain. I am immensely sorry for my part and am in therapy to deal with my issues surrounding that. I am not asking or expecting her to ever like me, tolerate me, or forgive me. I am asking if there is anything I can do AT THIS POINT and GOING FORWARD to make it in any way easier for her.

 

Why the sudden concern for her feelings now? You did not care about her feelings for the 4 years you were having an affair with her husband so why now?

[velvette]

I honestly never once saw it as a competition. I understand that in some ways it may have been one, but that was never my driving force or something I thought about. I don't feel as though I "won" anything, I don't feel as though I am in control of anything. I have never rubbed anything in her face. It is not at all my intention to come across and smug or arrogant. I'm sorry you're seeing it that way.

 

You need to really think about this and discuss with your therapist.

 

 

You are definitely getting some kind of payoff from keeping yourself in the middle of whats going on between them.

 

 

What are you afraid will happen if you just back away from it all?

[Sub]

I haven't read where the BW is behaving badly or causing the kids embarrassment here. If that's the case, daisy should retract all of her posts about understanding the BW's anger and why she's acting this way, IMO. Can't have it both ways.

[minimariah]

So what?

 

 

Lets assume the worst that she set you up for confrontation or simply to annoy you, make you uncomfortable.

 

 

That game can only happen if you let it.

 

 

Further, I reread your initial post and realized that every thing you relayed to us was a blow by blow(other than what you saw at the car) from him of her behavior, texts, phone messages etc.

 

 

Tell him to stop sharing all that stuff. Its between them. Why do you even need to listen to it, analyze it, dissect it or advise him on it. He is a grownup and should be able to or learn to deal with the woman hes going to have to have some R with because of his kids whether they D or not. Stay out of it. Stop looking for a battle.

 

 

Without you to whine to, if she is being unreasonable he will eventually get fed up enough to resolve this on his own.

 

great post, i agree with this.

 

he needs to deal with it.

[violet1]

Why the sudden cI'm ncern for her feelings now? You did not care about her feelings the years you were having an affair with her husband so why now?

 

Now she has to deal with her directly. I'm sure it was easy when it was a secret.

 

OP, you will just have to develop a thicker skin and learn how to deal with it. She's the mother of his kids. She's always going to be there. You will always be looked at as the enemy because the relationship started out as an affair. I met my H after his divorce. His ex wife has always hated me and I haven't done anything to her. It's hard being a step parent and dealing with baby's mamas. I cant imagine it in an affair situation. This is what you chose. I know, you can't help you fell in love with a taken man, right?

[cocorico]

I haven't read where the BW is behaving badly or causing the kids embarrassment here.

 

You didn't read the first post?

 

For example...

... She wouldn't stop or leave without an answer and it was awkward for the kids, so he just said "yes" and she stormed away after wishing him a "horrific night". About 5 minutes later, she called screaming at him (with the kids in the car) asking why he wants to be with someone like me and if he doesn't think its her business to know what he's doing, he needs to keep reminding her of that.

 

...

 

She called 2 minutes later, he didn't answer, and then proceeded to call and text for the remainder of the night accusing him of being rude for not getting off the phone to "thank her properly", asking why he didn't want to speak to her, and telling him he better be telling the truth about it being a client and he better not have been speaking to me on the phone while going to meet her.

 

...

 

The worst part is when it affects the kids or they witness it.

[cocorico]

She's the mother of his kids. She's always going to be there.

 

 

Not necessarily. The more she continues to behave badly,mother more likely it is her kids will want nothing to do with her in the future.

[jen1447]

Funny, I thought this was a thread about "the best way to handle a still angry BS," not "everything wrong with daisygirl19 in 7 pages or less."

[Sub]

Not necessarily. The more she continues to behave badly,mother more likely it is her kids will want nothing to do with her in the future.

 

You're projecting. This BS isn't the the BS in your situation.

[cocorico]

You're projecting. This BS isn't the the BS in your situation.

 

None of the people in the R are the people in any other R, that's pretty obvious.

 

But universalisms such as claiming "she's *always* going to be there" are unhelpful, because she might, or she might not. The OP needs to consider the specifics of her own situation, beyond platitudes which may or may not have relevance. Putting an alternative perspective is as relevant as posting a platitude.