"Rubberband" thing with men. Legit?!

[wb1988]

Most guys feel less attracted to a girl once we've had sex with them, its totally natural — you never look at the person the same way ever once you've had sex with them and at the same time we wonder if you liked the sex. The whole awkward behaviour just after sex is something you should expect or at least not be surprised with.

 

You messed up when you started dating other guys.

Edited July 22, 2015 by wb1988

[katiegrl]

I don't think he lied about a family member dying, but something is up and it's not going to bode if/when he reappears. A text is simple to send, and even on days he's worked 16 hours, he still sends a text when he gets home saying it's been a crazy day but he just got home or whatever. He's purposely ignoring me for whatever reason, after a great Saturday (and summer) and speaking Sunday normally.

 

Well I hate to sound so cynical, but I cannot tell you how many friends I have who have had guys tell them they have had a *death in the family" and then disappear afterwards for days, weeks even months!

 

It is the perfect excuse to get distance without the woman going off on you.

 

I also have five brothers, one of whom is a huge commitment phobe and he is always using the *death in the family " excuse.

 

When we DID have a real death in the family, like I said both our parents died last year, he kept the woman he had just started dating in the loop about it, told her our "mom and dad" died (as opposed to the elusive "death in the family" or " a close family member died."

 

He kept her in the loop because he cared about her and did not want her feeling like he was blowing her off. Plus, he appreciated and needed her support!

 

That is how people behave when they give a shyt. They don't hide details, disappear, and ignore a woman's attempt to maintain the connection... as you did with your miss you text.

[nadine5]

Most guys feel less attracted to a girl once we've had sex with them, its totally natural — you never look at the person the same way ever once you've had sex with them and at the same time we wonder if you liked the sex. The whole awkward behaviour just after sex is something you should expect or at least not be surprised with.

 

You messed up when you started dating other guys.

 

Um, what? How did she mess up when she started dating other guys? She was hanging out with the dude for THREE MONTHS and he never made any commitment to her. How long would you expect her to wait around for him?? That is just ridiculous.

[whatever1005]

Well I hate to sound so cynical, but I cannot tell you how many friends I have who have had guys tell them they have had a *death in the family" and then disappear afterwards for days, weeks even months!

 

It is the perfect excuse to get distance without the woman going off on you.

 

I also have five brothers, one of whom is a huge commitment phobe and he is always using the *death in the family " excuse.

 

When we DID have a real death in the family, like I said both our parents died last year, he kept the woman he had just started dating in the loop about it, told her our "mom and dad" died (as opposed to the elusive "death in the family" or " a close family member died."

 

He kept her in the loop because he cared about her and did not want her feeling like he was blowing her off. Plus, he appreciated and needed her support!

 

That is how people behave when they give a shyt. They don't hide details, disappear, and ignore a woman's attempt to maintain the connection... as you did with your miss you text.

 

 

 

He told me his aunt died and he'd been dealing with family stuff that morning and it was a rough morning. That was specific enough for me. I asked if he was okay, he said he was "always good", so I left it at that.

[whatever1005]

Honey... you sound like a great girl and I'm proud of you for keeping your cool... but PLEASE don't ever tell a man "miss you" until you're in a serious committed relationship. If he says it first, fine, but don't say anything like that first.

 

I have no idea what's going on with your situation, but that's the advice I can give you.

 

 

 

Ha, I agree with you. I thought I needed to "make up" for blowing him off last year in a way so AFTER he started saying he likes me and wanted to consistently hang out that's when I decided to give him a little "extra". Maybe I shouldn't have!

[whatever1005]

Um, what? How did she mess up when she started dating other guys? She was hanging out with the dude for THREE MONTHS and he never made any commitment to her. How long would you expect her to wait around for him?? That is just ridiculous.

 

 

 

Last summer I could've either waited around while he irked me with switching off between constant attention and mediocre attention, OR I could've dated other people. I chose the latter and think most would've done the same. This year I felt like we were on the same page after having our "serious talk", but his two-day absence has made me re-think that. Maybe I should've kept him in the friend zone.

[whatever1005]

UPDATE: He texted this morning saying "Sorry", and then sent a second one asking for my co-workers email address because he needs to send paperwork in (I know him through work, I'm an inspector and he is a director for a place we permit). I responded (maybe juvenile-y) with "You're on my sh*t list man." And then sent the email address. His response was "Why?" Now I'm questioning myself thinking maybe I overreacted. Thoughts? I don't want to be stupid or juvenile about this, I think for now I should just be silent and respond when I'm not going to lay the attitude on thick.

[katiegrl]

He told me his aunt died and he'd been dealing with family stuff that morning and it was a rough morning. That was specific enough for me. I asked if he was okay, he said he was "always good", so I left it at that.

 

Yes that IS very specific, thank you for sharing!

 

You did not say this before, all you said was he had a close family member die, so I presumed THAT is what he told you.

 

So now we know or are pretty sure he DID have a death in the family (although it IS possible he's lying but it's best to give him the benefit of the doubt about that)....but that STILL does not answer why he has shut you out from all of it....not stayed in touch, not returned your text and is essentially ignoring you.

 

But perhaps he IS busy with family stuff and just needs some space. He IS sending you a message though. He does NOT feel comfortable involving you in family stuff yet.

 

Which is fine, it's still early.

 

If it were me, I would not break up with him. Just pull back....maybe even date other guys....

 

I think this guy likes the challenge and the chase....so if you are intent on keeping him around....be a little more of that.

 

Like you USED to be....which clearly intrigued him and kept him coming back for more.

 

JMO

[preraph]

I just think he sounds inconsiderate, like he's one of those guys who never thinks you have the right to expect a little courtesy if they're f'ing you. Honestly, it sounds to me more like the dark side of the moon, where instead of abstaining from sex with others because he was into you, he hasn't been able to get laid since you and is now regretting he discarded you. At the time, he probably thought he had other women in line for him.

 

Give him another chance, but do NOT let him brainwash you into thinking you should be okay with him turning you on and off like a faucet. That's rude and entitled behavior.

[whatever1005]

Yes that IS very specific, thank you for sharing!

 

You did not say this before, all you said was he had a close family member die, so I presumed THAT is what he told you.

 

So now we know or are pretty sure he DID have a death in the family (although it IS possible he's lying but it's best to give him the benefit of the doubt about that)....but that STILL does not answer why he has shut you out from all of it....not stayed in touch, not returned your text and is essentially ignoring you.

 

But perhaps he IS busy with family stuff and just needs some space. He IS sending you a message though. He does NOT feel comfortable involving you in family stuff yet.

 

Which is fine, it's still early.

 

If it were me, I would not break up with him. Just pull back....maybe even date other guys....

 

I think this guy likes the challenge and the chase....so if you are intent on keeping him around....be a little more of that.

 

Like you USED to be....which clearly intrigued him and kept him coming back for more.

 

JMO

 

Thank you (and everyone) for your response! I think it is safe to say he isn't ready to involve me in family stuff yet... But I'm okay with that. It IS still early and for me personally, I'm the same way. He recently started talking about his family more and using names as opposed to "my sister" or whatever, so maybe that's a good sign that he's getting more comfortable. I don't know.

 

Regardless, it doesn't explain why he went MIA for two days, but maybe I jumped to negative conclusions too soon. He texted earlier saying "Sorry", and then sent another text asking for an email address (we know each other through work). I told him he was on my sh*t list, and sent the email address. He asked "Why?" I haven't said anything back yet. I want to be mature about this and be casual on one hand but also want to let him know I didn't like the going MIA thing. I'm not real sure how to proceed. Thoughts?

[whatever1005]

I just think he sounds inconsiderate, like he's one of those guys who never thinks you have the right to expect a little courtesy if they're f'ing you. Honestly, it sounds to me more like the dark side of the moon, where instead of abstaining from sex with others because he was into you, he hasn't been able to get laid since you and is now regretting he discarded you. At the time, he probably thought he had other women in line for him.

 

Give him another chance, but do NOT let him brainwash you into thinking you should be okay with him turning you on and off like a faucet. That's rude and entitled behavior.

 

 

 

HA the first part of your response could be true. Who knows. How do I proceed? I'm not trying to blow up on him for this but I also want to make a point that that wasn't cool.

[Gary S]

He told you Sunday he had a death in the family, a lot going on with family, and that he was stressed.

 

You have to understand men -when men have problems, they sometimes go into their cave. Read "Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus".

[katiegrl]

He told you Sunday he had a death in the family, a lot going on with family, and that he was stressed.

 

You have to understand men -when men have problems, they sometimes go into their cave. Read "Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus".

 

Yeah I believe that was her original theory....the rubber-band effect, which John Gray discusses in book above.

 

However, that book is for couples in long term relationships, NOT just starting out.

 

He wrote another book for couples just starting out dating entitled Mars and Venus on a Date. The rules are COMPLETELY different from those written in the Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus book (which again was written for couples in long term relationships and marriage).

 

He does not discuss rubber-banding and the cave in Mars and Venus on a Date.

 

In that book (for couples who just started dating)...John Gray discusses men feeling ambivalent and unsure about the woman and what they are developing so he pulls back for long period of time (weeks sometimes).

 

And in response, the woman falls into uncertainty. Which is exactly what the OP is feeling now. Uncertain. About how HE feels, about what is happening.

 

At this point, many women start to chase the man, which is NOT RECOMMENDED. Leave him alone, give him time to think, give him space.

 

It sucks royally, but you don't have any choice..... IMO.

 

In a couple of weeks, if you STILL have not heard from him, John Gray recommends the woman send him a short text or call "checking in." IF she is still interested.

 

If you call, call at a time when you know he won't be home and leave a message. Or send a text. Just checking in..... "hey hope is well and that things have calmed down a bit."

 

THAT IS IT.

 

Don't tell him you miss him. Don't ask him to call. Don't ask him where he has been.

 

Just check in. IF he cares and is still interested, he should respond back.

 

If not, move on.

 

THAT is John Gray's advice for couples who are dating. The book Marks and Venus on a Date can be found on Amazon if you want to read it. It talks about the five stages of dating.

 

It's interesting.

Edited July 22, 2015 by katiegrl

[whatever1005]

Yeah I believe that was her original theory....the rubber-band effect, which John Gray discusses in book above.

 

However, that book is for couples in long term relationships, NOT just starting out.

 

He wrote another book for couples just starting out dating entitled Mars and Venus on a Date. The rules are COMPLETELY different from those written in the Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus book (which again was written for couples in long term relationships and marriage).

 

He does not discuss rubber-banding and the cave in Mars and Venus on a Date.

 

In that book (for couples who just started dating)...John Gray discusses men feeling ambivalent and unsure about the woman and what they are developing so he pulls back for long period of time (weeks sometimes).

 

And in response, the woman falls into uncertainty. Which is exactly what the OP is feeling now. Uncertain. About how HE feels, about what is happening.

 

At this point, many women start to chase the man, which is NOT RECOMMENDED. Leave him alone, give him time to think, give him space.

 

It sucks royally, but you don't have any choice..... IMO.

 

In a couple of weeks, if you STILL have not heard from him, John Gray recommends the woman send him a short text or call "checking in."

 

If you call, call at a time when you know he won't be home and leave a message. Or send a text. Just checking in..... "hey hope is well and that things have calmed down a bit."

 

THAT IS IT.

 

Don't tell him you miss him. Don't ask him to call. Don't ask him where he has been.

 

Just check in. IF he cares and is still interested, he should respond back.

 

If not, move on.

 

THAT is John Gray's advice for couples who are dating. The book Marks and Venus on a Date can be found on Amazon if you want to read it. It talks about the five stages of dating.

 

It's interesting.

 

 

Soooo essentially he's acting like a typical guy and I'm responding like a typical girl aside from the "miss you" text. Lovely. He texted earlier, (see Update, above). I'm not sure if I should respond to him right off or think about it and respond later. Wish I had known about this book long ago! Ha.

[Gary S]

I only recommend Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus....... his other books suk boo-boo.

[highseas]

His close relative, aunt, just died. The biggest problem to you was he hasn't been in contact for...what? two days? And the first thing he said was sorry. Did he just give a terse "Sorry" and that's it? If so it's not a very good reply but in this difficult time you should give him some benefit of the doubt. I'm not saying he's right in not contacting. But it's all about context. Is he supposed to sneak out of the bathroom while family gather for funeral/remembrance/arrangements and texting you to say he's ok. Is your need for constant affirmations of interest so great that MIA for 2 days, when a close family died, warrants being put on the ***** list or written off?

[katiegrl]

His close relative, aunt, just died. The biggest problem to you was he hasn't been in contact for...what? two days? And the first thing he said was sorry. Did he just give a terse "Sorry" and that's it? If so it's not a very good reply but in this difficult time you should give him some benefit of the doubt. I'm not saying he's right in not contacting. But it's all about context. Is he supposed to sneak out of the bathroom while family gather for funeral/remembrance/arrangements and texting you to say he's ok. Is your need for constant affirmations of interest so great that MIA for 2 days, when a close family died, warrants being put on the ***** list or written off?

 

Agree. Seriously it was only two days. Like I said before, when my boyfriend and I started dating, and having sex, after an especially intense weekend, he would sometimes pull away too, for only a couple of days.

 

 

I always left him ALONE, and in a couple of days (at MOST), he would come back his loving self again.

 

 

I think it was a huge mistake telling him he is on your shyt list. It was TWO DAYS and his aunt died. Jeez!

 

 

Now whenever he needs a little time for himself, he will be afraid to take that space for fear he is gonna piss you off. Not only that but you just came across as needy, clingy.

 

 

Everyone needs space from time to time and two days was NOT a huge deal.

 

 

Yeah he is wondering why he is on your shyt list....because frankly it's an over-reaction to what he did, which was essentially take a little time for himself while in the process of developing an emotional connection with you....

 

 

You probably now succeeded in pushing him further away. Nice job.

[katiegrl]

I think there is a way to recover from this.

 

 

In response to his question "why," tell him you were only joking around, and hope all is well with him and his family....

 

 

That is what I would do.....

 

 

Good luck.

[whatever1005]

Agree. Seriously it was only two days. Like I said before, when my boyfriend and I started dating, and having sex, after an especially intense weekend, he would sometimes pull away too, for only a couple of days.

 

 

I always left him ALONE, and in a couple of days (at MOST), he would come back his loving self again.

 

 

I think it was a huge mistake telling him he is on your shyt list. It was TWO DAYS and his aunt died. Jeez!

 

 

Now whenever he needs a little time for himself, he will be afraid to take that space for fear he is gonna piss you off. Not only that but you just came across as needy, clingy.

 

 

Everyone needs space from time to time and two days was NOT a huge deal.

 

 

Yeah he is wondering why he is on your shyt list....because frankly it's an over-reaction to what he did, which was essentially take a little time for himself while in the process of developing an emotional connection with you....

 

 

You probably now succeeded in pushing him further away. Nice job.

 

Yes, I agree that I should've held off saying that he's on my sh*t list (not the most mature move) but at times when I've been more MIA he sends repeated texts until I answer, so I don't think I appeared any needier/clingy than he has before.

 

I also feel that I jumped to conclusions quickly, however keep in mind that although your boyfriend initially would go MIA for a couple days in the early stages, this guy had never done that with me before. I don't want him to feel like he can't take a breather and "do him" for a day or two or risk me getting an attitude because that's not the case. Had this happened before I could've been more prepared or known it was just something he did.

 

I waited a couple hours and just changed topics completely. He's been responding so moving forward I'll be reeling back a bit and I'll also be trying not to automatically assume the worst without more information. I'll also be reminding myself that we've had conversations about how I'm not down with a FWB-type relationship and he was mutually in agreement, and after knowing him over a year (as a friend and otherwise) that he DOES always keep in contact for a reason, and wouldn't if the reason wasn't positive.

 

I appreciate your advice! I wish there weren't so many grey areas while dating!!

[whatever1005]

His close relative, aunt, just died. The biggest problem to you was he hasn't been in contact for...what? two days? And the first thing he said was sorry. Did he just give a terse "Sorry" and that's it? If so it's not a very good reply but in this difficult time you should give him some benefit of the doubt. I'm not saying he's right in not contacting. But it's all about context. Is he supposed to sneak out of the bathroom while family gather for funeral/remembrance/arrangements and texting you to say he's ok. Is your need for constant affirmations of interest so great that MIA for 2 days, when a close family died, warrants being put on the ***** list or written off?

 

 

 

He gets the benefit of the doubt. His "sorry" (it was just that) wasn't a good answer but neither was my overreaction. I need to work on my patience as well. He's generally a pretty reserved, private man, and he has let me into his life in many capacities so just because he isn't as open or explanatory as I would be doesn't necessarily mean anything negative.

[sunshine2]

I cannot believe all the people who just assumed that he was acting like a jerk, pulling back etc. He had a DEATH in the family and was STRESSED. Funny how we all overlook these two very big things that this guy is going through. I agree with Gary S. He told you Sunday he had a death in the family, a lot going on with family, and that he was stressed and...

 

You have to understand men -when men have problems, they sometimes go into their cave. Read "Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus.

 

Women do this too sometimes, but its more rare as we like to talk through our lives and what is happening and need support from our partners when really bad things happen.

My BF got the flu when we first started dating. I didn't hear from him like normal, so I asked him what was up. Not accusing, just wondering. He told me that he shuts down when he gets really sick. Now I know, so if it happens again, I wont panic or worry.

 

But.. I hope you don't beat yourself up over your responses. Of course both Miss U and Your on my Sh*t list should of not been sent, but nothing you can do about that now. Learn from this and never ever do it again. LOL

 

I have done what you have. In fact if I don't hear from my BF at the usual time, I start to panic which I am working on with my therapist. For me, its all about past relationships ..being abandoned, ghosted, going dark. I have to constantly remind myself that if this is not going to work between us, there is nothing I can do about it really. I have no control of what he does or doesn't do. I can tell him what I would like, but its up to him to do that thing I like. This is hard, but so necessary. I realized lately that I was making him my world... not a good idea ever, even if you are married. Now I am back to going to the Gym, finding recipes to try, baking, cooking, hanging with my girlfriend and sister. Its all about having a good life with or without a partner and learning that has been hard, but again necessary for me to survive in general.

 

Sorry for the ramble

[wb1988]

Does anyone find it odd that the OP slept with a guy and then says "I put him in the friend zone". I've never heard a girl use the term "friend zone" when describing her own actions.

[whatever1005]

I cannot believe all the people who just assumed that he was acting like a jerk, pulling back etc. He had a DEATH in the family and was STRESSED. Funny how we all overlook these two very big things that this guy is going through. I agree with Gary S. He told you Sunday he had a death in the family, a lot going on with family, and that he was stressed and...

 

 

 

Women do this too sometimes, but its more rare as we like to talk through our lives and what is happening and need support from our partners when really bad things happen.

My BF got the flu when we first started dating. I didn't hear from him like normal, so I asked him what was up. Not accusing, just wondering. He told me that he shuts down when he gets really sick. Now I know, so if it happens again, I wont panic or worry.

 

But.. I hope you don't beat yourself up over your responses. Of course both Miss U and Your on my Sh*t list should of not been sent, but nothing you can do about that now. Learn from this and never ever do it again. LOL

 

I have done what you have. In fact if I don't hear from my BF at the usual time, I start to panic which I am working on with my therapist. For me, its all about past relationships ..being abandoned, ghosted, going dark. I have to constantly remind myself that if this is not going to work between us, there is nothing I can do about it really. I have no control of what he does or doesn't do. I can tell him what I would like, but its up to him to do that thing I like. This is hard, but so necessary. I realized lately that I was making him my world... not a good idea ever, even if you are married. Now I am back to going to the Gym, finding recipes to try, baking, cooking, hanging with my girlfriend and sister. Its all about having a good life with or without a partner and learning that has been hard, but again necessary for me to survive in general.

 

Sorry for the ramble

 

Thank you for your response!! It's all a learning process, and I do probably jump to negative conclusions when "starting fresh" due to a couple past experiences. I am generally very easy-going and don't worry about much, but once I start developing feelings for someone, it gets harder to think rationally (as I would when dealing with friends or family) rather than to think about the "what-ifs". Really important things to remember in your post!!

[katiegrl]

Thank you for your response!! It's all a learning process, and I do probably jump to negative conclusions when "starting fresh" due to a couple past experiences. I am generally very easy-going and don't worry about much, but once I start developing feelings for someone, it gets harder to think rationally (as I would when dealing with friends or family) rather than to think about the "what-ifs". Really important things to remember in your post!!

 

 

Have you responded to his email yet?

 

 

JMO but don't "punish" him for taking a couple of days of lone time...

 

 

Not really that big of a deal...and in time, trust me if you remain open and happy to hear from him and spend time with him (with no unrealistic expectations), he WILL not need to do that and will want to include you more in his life....

[whatever1005]

Have you responded to his email yet?

 

 

JMO but don't "punish" him for taking a couple of days of lone time...

 

 

Not really that big of a deal...and in time, trust me if you remain open and happy to hear from him and spend time with him (with no unrealistic expectations), he WILL not need to do that and will want to include you more in his life....

 

 

Yes we continued to talk throughout the day yesterday until we went to bed. And we've talked today as well. He was not having a good day yesterday, and was talking a lot about how far behind on work he is and there's not enough time in the day to get caught up and he's exhausted. I fear I took his two-day MIA period in a way that wasn't necessary, but things appear to be all good now. I have been known to "disappear" for a day or two as well from literally everyone, and that's never personal towards anyone so I need to remember that. I appreciated your advice!! Thank you!