"Rubberband" thing with men. Legit?!

[regine_phalange]

He may be one of these guys who love it when a woman doesn't want them.

[candie13]

one point I need to make: do not think that only because you hang out with him last summer, you've simply picked from where you've left it off. That's women thinking. when it comes to men - it's a new sh*t all over again. So try to think about it as a RS that only just started - I mean, this year.

 

I'm not saying he's a douche or anything, but you seem emotionally involved and he is not answering the "i miss you" texts - which in my book is big - maybe because I have an overinflated ego, haha. You weren't really in a position to just dump your emotions on this guy, either, how long has it been since you two have started hanging out again, this year?

 

bottom line, I only see 2 option: you either put up with him and his erratic behavior - and stop freaking out, letting him find his own pace (assuming he ever comes back) or you admit to yourself that you're a bit too emotionally involved at his on and off behavior - however legit it might be, given the circumstances of his own life - and are simply done with him. Like, for good.

 

But it has to be one of the two.

 

Chances are, the dude will come back into the picture, again. Can you handle it? Can you put up with it?

[candie13]

I'm not buying in to everyone's theory that this guy just wants sex, yet. The only reasons prople are thinking this is because of everything that happened after sex on Saturday and because he did not respond to your Miss You text.

 

I miss you texts are a pretty big deal for women. While I get miss texts at times, I am extra careful about texts from people close to me and pretty nonchalant about texts from people not in my immediate circle. So, if we follow this logic, he couldn't really care less of her text and of her bloody emotions. Ideally, he should be at the same level of emotional involvement. Best case scenario: he should at least try to be nice to her and acknowledge her text - at least out of respect. And then, there's reality - the guy prob missed it and couldn't be bothered to deal with it .

 

 

Death in family

that can be pretty big, actually. I mean, you got a close family member dying on you, me thinks you have other stuff to deal with. That... that can be pretty big, actually.

I Miss You text - He did not respond your text because he missed it. I have an iphone6 plus and I do miss texts. Or, I'll read a text and I'll think "OK once I'm done taking a piss, or eating, or whatever, I'll respond to the text." Well crap I fsometimes forget to to respond.

yeah... in the context of a death in the family, it might be a bit more excusable... I dunno, it's hard. Sit and wait and see what happens would be my approach.

 

I'm a guy and if I liked you for a year, I would not do any revenge blow offs. I could be wrong and this guy may be a douche, but let's not crucify him until we get REAL evidence.

As a woman, a man's behavior over time is the best evidence one ever needs. (It's very male to think that certain events can get you out of situations when you've behaved like an arse)

She already has the behavior, so now she only needs to give him some time to understand how accidental versus regular that behavior is.

[whatever1005]

My opinion on the general rubberband effect is this ...

I've heard about this before and have read up on it. The thing is though in my personal experience all the guys who truly liked me never ever changed after sexual intimacy. However it was always the flaky guys that never ended in more that would "rubberband" on me and their texting habits would change. For me the test comes the day after sex. If the guy responds to me as he usually would then I know it's all good. However I would be worried if he did not respond to me usually. I mean it's not difficult to take a few minutes to text someone you slept with the previous day.

 

However my opinion on your situation...

If he has had a death in the family and told you he is stressed and has a lot going on then I'd believe him. Sometimes things do just get too much and you cannot think straight or act normally when you're going through something as traumatic as a death in the family. I wouldn't hold this against him unless this behavior keeps happening. I'd write this off as just bad timing. Just be a bit patient and see if he contacts you after your "I miss you" text.

 

If I think back to guys I've dated before versus other guys that never evolved into anything, I would agree that there have been clear differences in the way they treated me. That being said, aside from this current MIA event, he's been part of the former group. Not many men have kept in contact with me for over a year without dating at the very least unless they're solely guy friends.

 

I asked him if he was okay after he told me about the death and being stressed. He said he's "always good", so I dropped it and left it at that. Our conversation all morning up to 3pm was normal. However, I haven't heard from him since then.

[whatever1005]

wow .i think you are putting too much too soon into this . it just started and your panicking, already . wtf?!! now look at what people are telling you..HORRIBLE THINGS!

 

 

Yes, this did JUST happen, but going on 3 days of no contact isn't normal behavior for him.

[candie13]

If I think back to guys I've dated before versus other guys that never evolved into anything, I would agree that there have been clear differences in the way they treated me. That being said, aside from this current MIA event, he's been part of the former group. Not many men have kept in contact with me for over a year without dating at the very least unless they're solely guy friends.

 

I asked him if he was okay after he told me about the death and being stressed. He said he's "always good", so I dropped it and left it at that. Our conversation all morning up to 3pm was normal. However, I haven't heard from him since then.

 

one thing I have to say "it's not you, it's him". can't force a person to talk, if they don't feel like it. whatever happened happened, just sit patiently and see what happens next. I wouldn't do a thing about it - like more calls or texts. He knows.

[whatever1005]

one point I need to make: do not think that only because you hang out with him last summer, you've simply picked from where you've left it off. That's women thinking. when it comes to men - it's a new sh*t all over again. So try to think about it as a RS that only just started - I mean, this year.

 

I'm not saying he's a douche or anything, but you seem emotionally involved and he is not answering the "i miss you" texts - which in my book is big - maybe because I have an overinflated ego, haha. You weren't really in a position to just dump your emotions on this guy, either, how long has it been since you two have started hanging out again, this year?

 

bottom line, I only see 2 option: you either put up with him and his erratic behavior - and stop freaking out, letting him find his own pace (assuming he ever comes back) or you admit to yourself that you're a bit too emotionally involved at his on and off behavior - however legit it might be, given the circumstances of his own life - and are simply done with him. Like, for good.

 

But it has to be one of the two.

 

Chances are, the dude will come back into the picture, again. Can you handle it? Can you put up with it?

 

I didn't just jump back into things with him. There's always been contact between us and I've seen him or hung out with him regardless of whether or not we've been regularly hanging out. I've reacted to things based on HIM. He was the one saying he likes me months before I EVER sent any kind of "I miss you" text. We've been hanging out this summer again for a few months, since April or so.

 

Based on his persistence the past year, I would agree that chances are that he will also come back around. This current behavior (just going MIA randomly) isn't something I'm cool with though so I'm not exactly sure how to react if/when that happens. I like him, but I don't love him, so a couple weeks and I'll just chalk it up to him being a jerk.

[whatever1005]

one thing I have to say "it's not you, it's him". can't force a person to talk, if they don't feel like it. whatever happened happened, just sit patiently and see what happens next. I wouldn't do a thing about it - like more calls or texts. He knows.

 

 

 

True. I sent the "Miss you" text yesterday as a way to "break the ice" after not talking Monday (he has responded well to those kinds of texts before), but clearly that didn't matter. Oh you're right, surely he is well aware that I know this behavior isn't normal and am not happy about it. Regardless, every day that passes where he isn't in contact is another day that I'll be over it.

[candie13]

well, I hate making excuses for men, but maybe he freaked out reading "I miss you"... maybe a "thinking about you, I hope you're well" would have been more appropriate.

 

are you guys at the level where you're sharing feelings, like that? I mean, ever since he came back.

[whatever1005]

well, I hate making excuses for men, but maybe he freaked out reading "I miss you"... maybe a "thinking about you, I hope you're well" would have been more appropriate.

 

are you guys at the level where you're sharing feelings, like that? I mean, ever since he came back.

 

 

 

Maybe he did get freaked out, who knows. We are very playful and I've sent little dorky ecards and stuff to him saying "Amish you" or whatever, and even the text I sent yesterday was very informal (Miss u). He's said straight up that he likes me and "likes me for me" etc., and I've sent "miss u" texts before so I didn't think it'd be taken weirdly. I meant it as an ice breaker of sorts, but obviously something is going on. Whether he's stressed, bothered, freaking out, or a jerk that waited around for a girl for a year only to ditch her later, something is up.

 

At this point I'm done texting. I sent the "Miss u" text so now it's on him. I like him but I don't love him and if he wants to play games then I don't want to waste my time any further.

[GooseChaser]

Well I didn't read through this topic very carefully but I wanted to say: maybe it's possible he doesn't think a "miss you" text necessarily requires a response?

[candie13]

yeah, I hear what you're thinking and saying. just don't cross him out just yet. Don't do anything. It's up to him to make the next move. Whatever he choses to do - including "not doing a thing" is a good indication of where he's at.

 

personally... I've dated dudes that were complicated. We had a thing, i liked them & stuff but they would have a few stuff pending, weren't quite ready or quite sure... well, it never turned out ok . Ever. So now, even if I feel a really cool and crazy connection with a dude, if I sense he's not ready or convinced, I let it flow. I do my part, feed the connection, but I let the dude take the lead - I won't initiate anything physical, I let him initiate the dates and even if we do kiss and stuff, I will let him set the pace, after that. Don't get me wrong, during the dates, I make sure I have a great time, I just don't build my hopes based exclusively on what goes on during the dates. In order for RS to work, other than great dates and great connection, there should be an intention from the man, to pursue that RS. Most dudes - those who aren't really convinced - usually fade away. So I let them.

 

Trust me, when a guy wants to be with you and on top of it you have a great time when you see eachother, will show up and be consistent in his behavior. Those RS are the best ones, in my experience. Anything else is a bit of mindfcking... personally, I ain't got the time or disposition to do any convincing. When the flame is there, he'd better act on it . if he doesn't, as you said, it's his loss.

 

if I were you, I'd start looking around for other dates and possibilities.

 

me thinks you've had a good instinct, last summer. Another learning of mine is - once I dump a dude, I never go back. Waste of time. Of course, there are no rules, but ... yeah, it's what I've learnt.

 

anyway, back to you story: just chill and relax and take your mind off of him. It'll come when it'll come, if it'll come.

 

cheers, girl

[katiegrl]

If I think back to guys I've dated before versus other guys that never evolved into anything, I would agree that there have been clear differences in the way they treated me. That being said, aside from this current MIA event, he's been part of the former group. Not many men have kept in contact with me for over a year without dating at the very least unless they're solely guy friends.

 

****I asked him if he was okay after he told me about the death and being stressed. He said he's "always good", so I dropped it and left it at that***

 

 

. Our conversation all morning up to 3pm was normal. However, I haven't heard from him since then.

 

Do you even know who died? Was it is aunt, uncle, cousin, who? It is odd he would not have at least told you THAT.

 

Good friends,, boyfriend/girlfrinds don't usually tell their friends "I had a death in the family." They say "my dad died," or "my cousin died.". So IMO it is weird he was so elusive about that.

 

Also, even assuming he did have someone close to him die, that is NO reason for him to becignoring you. A short text, something!

 

Both my PARENTS died last year, and I still managed to stay in contact with my boyfriend and good friends. We need that support from friends!

 

I'm sorry something is not quite jiving here at all. Especially given his history of having disappeared previously. He is hiding something.....

 

Move on you deserve better.

[katiegrl]

True. I sent the "Miss you" text yesterday as a way to "break the ice" after not talking Monday (he has responded well to those kinds of texts before), but clearly that didn't matter.

 

 

 

***Oh you're right, surely he is well aware that I know this behavior isn't normal and am not happy about it. Regardless, every day that passes where he isn't in contact is another day that I'll be over it.***

 

Yes he is aware, and if he (or any man) were really into you and gave a shyt, he would NOT be letting all this time go by with no contact - for fear of exactly what is happening now.

 

Which is you are not happy and are getting very bad vibes from him, and losing the trust and emotional bond you were beginning to develop.

 

IMO, THAT is exactly his intention. He WANTS to break the connection, that's the reason why he creating distance and ignoring you.

 

That is what commit-phobes do. Start to get close, and then pull away and create distance to break the closeness.

Edited July 22, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Yes he is aware, and if he (or any man) were really into you and gave a shyt, he would NOT be letting all this time go by with no contact - for fear of exactly what is happening now.

 

Which is you are not happy and are getting very bad vibes from him, and losing the trust and emotional bond you were beginning to develop.

 

IMO, THAT is exactly his intention. He WANTS to break the connection, that's the reason why he creating distance and ignoring you.

 

That is what commit-phobes do. Start to get close, and then pull away and create distance to break the closeness.

 

Another thing they do once they manage to find themselves in a relationship is FIGHT with their partner. Fighting is another way to create distance.

 

Google "the fight or flight" response. In his prior relationship you said there was a lot of fighting. With you, he takes flight (disappears).

 

Classic commitment-phobe behavior all the way! Huge red flags flying all over the place here!

[Gus Grimly]

There's a lot of speculation going on in this thread. Doesn't seem fair to this guy who's just lost a family member and is all stressed out. I'd give the guy a break. I mean if he pulls this stunt again, by all means burn him to the ground.

 

I also understand how fragile the OP is and how it feels to not get a response after you've sent an affectionate text. It's tough. :\

[katiegrl]

There's a lot of speculation going on in this thread. Doesn't seem fair to this guy who's just lost a family member and is all stressed out. I'd give the guy a break. I mean if he pulls this stunt again, by all means burn him to the ground.

 

I also understand how fragile the OP is and how it feels to not get a response after you've sent an affectionate text. It's tough. :\

 

Yes a lot of speculation because things are not jiving, he is behaving very elusively (even assuming a *family member" DID die), he has a history of disappearing.....AND we women being quite intuitive are sensing something more is going on here it her other than he had a *family member* die.

 

There are red flags and the OP is smart for PAYING ATTENTION, and not dismissing those red flags.

 

Also, she cannot help how she feels either. Him pulling away and ignoring her (no matter what his reason) is causing her to lose the connection.

 

I mean how difficult is it to send a simple text? Come on now.....

[highseas]

I'm a guy and I don't presume to know what this guy is doing or not doing. But if you stand back and look at the big picture, the only big issue here is that he hasn't been in contact since Sunday afternoon, and this is just the beginning of Wednesday morning. It's just two full days here, going on a third. Now it's not the best sign, but a family member passed away (someone close?); work; stress. I agree that he should at least send you something quick to say hello or something, so I would be somewhat worried if I were you. But to end the thing after a seemingly wonderful summer just because he hasn't been in contact for a few days (with a family tragedy on top of that) doesn't sound fair. Maybe it's a lie that he told about the family tragedy, but I can't tell. More benefit of the doubt should be given. The ball is now in his court to respond. So I would probably not contact him in any way until he contacts you again. I would give him at least a few more days. Don't get into the "I need to dump him before he dumps me" kind of a mentality.

Edited July 22, 2015 by highseas

[Redhead14]

Okay so I met a guy last summer through work that was really nice. He pursued me and we hung out a lot for several months. After 3-ish months, I slept with him, and post-sex he was a bit more distant but still in contact. I was bothered by it, but didn't say anything about it since we weren't ever actually together and just lived my life. A couple weeks later he was back to his regular texting/calling/etc, but I decided to move him to the "friend zone" rather than risk him getting distant again. I have dated other guys since him but he has always remained in contact and we have hung out I just kept it strictly friends. I eventually told him that him getting distant post-sex bothered me and he acted like he didn't do anything wrong or that should've bothered me.

 

Anyway, fast forward to this summer. He called up to my work and was discussing billing issues with a co-worker of mine who is a good friend of mine. She said that he'd made some comment about me, and she'd responded with "you must really like her". He responded with "I have always liked her but she never wants me... She's always interested in someone else". After hearing that, I thought maybe I was too quick to ban him to the friend zone last summer, and we've been hanging out. He has said he likes me on multiple occasions, is complimentary of me, and we talk about anything and everything. He is very busy with work but we talk pretty much everyday and see each other fairly often. We had a serious talk one night about things and I apologized for dismissing him so fast last summer, and he admitted that he hasn't slept with anyone since me... That's a whole YEAR. I was floored!

 

I hung out with him Saturday and things were great. We watched a movie, chit-chatted about everything under the sun and were constantly laughing and having a good time. Sunday morning he texted and said he'd had a bad night/morning because a family member had died, he had yard work to do, had to go into work, and his sister is planning to come in town next week and he wasn't planning on that, so he was stressed. The rest of our conversation that day was normal, but I didn't hear from him after 3pm which wasn't really normal. I chalked it up to stress and figured I'd hear from him yesterday.... But I didn't. Today around noon I sent a text saying "Miss you", but still haven't heard from him. I don't understand what's going on!!

 

Some of my friends say men do this "rubberband" thing and just need space from time to time, and not to worry about anything. Some say that maybe he's testing my interest level since for so long I kind of ignored him. And some say it doesn't sound good.... I don't know what to think but this isn't normal for he and I and I'm not sure how to react. Any suggestions or thoughts?

 

Rubberbanding is common, especially after they've had a period of closeness with the person they are seeing or during stressful periods. It usually only lasts a couple of days tops. But if it's happening a lot and there are bigger spaces, it's an issue. Spaces that occur for longer periods is about caving and that is common too, but even then it should be about a week tops. Him not being in touch since 3 o'clock really shouldn't be a big deal. He's got stuff going on. And, sending him a text asking what's going on, is pressuring him. Let him come to you first now. Don't reach out to him again. It's the only way to know whether his interest level is still there. He may answer if you keep reaching out, but it may be just to be polite, not that he really wants to talk to you.

 

Most of the time, these events really don't have anything to do with you. It's the way they deal with stress. You have to decide whether that works for you. You don't have to accept it. If they disappear a little bit, a couple of days, it's ok to reach out to them, but don't tell them you miss them or pressure them. Usually, just ask them about something they have knowledge about and that should prompt them to talk a little.

 

If this happens often and communication is weak, you may need to move on because that simply doesn't meet your needs.

 

With this one it's difficult to tell really. I'd just ride it out a little. Stay receptive, don't initiate and observe how he's making you feel.

 

Caving for extended periods, is a sign of emotional distancing on a deep level. And, this is very difficult to deal with if you are in a relationship with them. They will come in and out of your life all the time.

[whatever1005]

Do you even know who died? Was it is aunt, uncle, cousin, who? It is odd he would not have at least told you THAT.

 

Good friends,, boyfriend/girlfrinds don't usually tell their friends "I had a death in the family." They say "my dad died," or "my cousin died.". So IMO it is weird he was so elusive about that.

 

Also, even assuming he did have someone close to him die, that is NO reason for him to becignoring you. A short text, something!

 

Both my PARENTS died last year, and I still managed to stay in contact with my boyfriend and good friends. We need that support from friends!

 

I'm sorry something is not quite jiving here at all. Especially given his history of having disappeared previously. He is hiding something.....

 

Move on you deserve better.

 

 

He told me his aunt died and the morning had been a bad one. I said I was sorry to hear that and asked if he was okay. He said "always good". And I dropped it. I don't know if he was close to his aunt or what, but you're right, this is not jiving with me at all. Even on his busiest days he's in contact at some point. Hell, even last year when he became distant he wasn't completely MIA. I don't have an explanation but every day that goes by irritates me and will only make me want to dismiss him more if/when he pops back up.

[whatever1005]

There's a lot of speculation going on in this thread. Doesn't seem fair to this guy who's just lost a family member and is all stressed out. I'd give the guy a break. I mean if he pulls this stunt again, by all means burn him to the ground.

 

I also understand how fragile the OP is and how it feels to not get a response after you've sent an affectionate text. It's tough. :\

 

 

 

I wouldn't exactly call myself "fragile" lol, but I am feeling a bit crappy about this. I want to give him a break, BUT he's not stupid, he's got to know that not being in contact is something I'm not noticing. I started spending time with him again this year because HE made a comment to my friend/co-worker about how he's "always liked me but I always want someone else"... So I thought, maybe I overlooked a good guy for jerks. Ha. Looks like the joke may be on me.

[candie13]

I think you react. I understand that you're irked but death in the family is a big one, even if he says he's "always good". Really. Deep breaths, a few runs and you'll feel better.

 

It shakes one up, losing a close family member, even for those insensitive men... Hard to be less centered on yourself and on your immediate needs, but give it a try .

[whatever1005]

Yes a lot of speculation because things are not jiving, he is behaving very elusively (even assuming a *family member" DID die), he has a history of disappearing.....AND we women being quite intuitive are sensing something more is going on here it her other than he had a *family member* die.

 

There are red flags and the OP is smart for PAYING ATTENTION, and not dismissing those red flags.

 

Also, she cannot help how she feels either. Him pulling away and ignoring her (no matter what his reason) is causing her to lose the connection.

 

I mean how difficult is it to send a simple text? Come on now.....

 

I don't think he lied about a family member dying, but something is up and it's not going to bode if/when he reappears. A text is simple to send, and even on days he's worked 16 hours, he still sends a text when he gets home saying it's been a crazy day but he just got home or whatever. He's purposely ignoring me for whatever reason, after a great Saturday (and summer) and speaking Sunday normally.

[candie13]

have you had a funeral in your family, recently ? when my grandparents died, my mom was all shaken up and right before the funeral and after we've had all the family over. Like... everyone. Having to see them, help with the organisation, see everyone grieving and crying... pfff... it was not a great moment. Hardly. I vanished, went off the radar. It sucked big time - and everyone knows that there are no more immortal grandparents left on the surface of the Earth...

 

aunt must be all more heartbreaking.

[nadine5]

Okay so I met a guy last summer through work that was really nice. He pursued me and we hung out a lot for several months. After 3-ish months, I slept with him, and post-sex he was a bit more distant but still in contact. I was bothered by it, but didn't say anything about it since we weren't ever actually together and just lived my life. A couple weeks later he was back to his regular texting/calling/etc, but I decided to move him to the "friend zone" rather than risk him getting distant again. I have dated other guys since him but he has always remained in contact and we have hung out I just kept it strictly friends. I eventually told him that him getting distant post-sex bothered me and he acted like he didn't do anything wrong or that should've bothered me.

 

Anyway, fast forward to this summer. He called up to my work and was discussing billing issues with a co-worker of mine who is a good friend of mine. She said that he'd made some comment about me, and she'd responded with "you must really like her". He responded with "I have always liked her but she never wants me... She's always interested in someone else". After hearing that, I thought maybe I was too quick to ban him to the friend zone last summer, and we've been hanging out. He has said he likes me on multiple occasions, is complimentary of me, and we talk about anything and everything. He is very busy with work but we talk pretty much everyday and see each other fairly often. We had a serious talk one night about things and I apologized for dismissing him so fast last summer, and he admitted that he hasn't slept with anyone since me... That's a whole YEAR. I was floored!

 

I hung out with him Saturday and things were great. We watched a movie, chit-chatted about everything under the sun and were constantly laughing and having a good time. Sunday morning he texted and said he'd had a bad night/morning because a family member had died, he had yard work to do, had to go into work, and his sister is planning to come in town next week and he wasn't planning on that, so he was stressed. The rest of our conversation that day was normal, but I didn't hear from him after 3pm which wasn't really normal. I chalked it up to stress and figured I'd hear from him yesterday.... But I didn't. Today around noon I sent a text saying "Miss you", but still haven't heard from him. I don't understand what's going on!!

 

Some of my friends say men do this "rubberband" thing and just need space from time to time, and not to worry about anything. Some say that maybe he's testing my interest level since for so long I kind of ignored him. And some say it doesn't sound good.... I don't know what to think but this isn't normal for he and I and I'm not sure how to react. Any suggestions or thoughts?

 

Honey... you sound like a great girl and I'm proud of you for keeping your cool... but PLEASE don't ever tell a man "miss you" until you're in a serious committed relationship. If he says it first, fine, but don't say anything like that first.

 

I have no idea what's going on with your situation, but that's the advice I can give you.