Would you want to know the truth about your husband's affair?

[Confused48]

 

i m sure she wouldn t want to know that he left my home crying, that i was pregnant and he didn t mind me keeping the child or other heartbreaking things that happened.

 

You don't know this. You can't know. No one other than her can know if she is a head in the sand person or not, not even her husband can know.

 

So do what is right. You know what that is. Tell her the truth. Just the basics. No details, unless she asks. You will be able to tell how much she wants to know when you speak to her.

 

I can tell you I wanted to know it all. Everything. There was a pregnancy in my sitch as well. I wanted to know and have no regrets about knowing. Knowledge of the truth is empowering.

[What_Did_I_Do]

When I was M I definitely would have wanted to know. And I can say the same for him. Most couples recover from infidelity whereas others (such as mine) do not.

[jwi71]

i am curious, as a wife, would u want to know?

 

As a BH I absolutely want to know.

 

would it help your marriage or break it?

 

Affairs are symptoms of an illness but not the illness itself. Knowledge of such can only help a couple begin the process of healing individually and as a couple. The problem, to me, whatever it maybe, is potentially curable - but only if both of the parties want it and are willing to do the work to get there.

Like alcoholism, and its a poor metaphor, acknowledgment of the problem is step #1 in a years long process. So the A itself neither helps nor hinders - merely enlightens. What dooms or saves the M is the actions of the participants thenceforth.

 

In short, the OM/OW is rarely the problem - just playing a, ahem, "supporting role".

 

do u think you d deserve to know

 

Of course I deserve to know - its my life too.

Why do you (general) think I don't deserve to know?

If you (general) say the BS deserves to know, and you know...uh, tell?

 

Why do you (OP) think a BS deserves to 1) know or 2) not know?

 

No need to share it here...maybe just write it down and have a look...I bet most of the "no reasons" come down to "not wanting to face the consequences". Not a dig...just trying to get those mental wheels turning and maybe a bit introspection.

 

and who should be the one to tell u the truth?

 

Anyone. I was told by someone I had maybe met three times. You have no idea how much respect I have for that person's courage. Awe-inspiring isn't it?

[Dela]

As a BH I absolutely want to know.

 

 

 

Affairs are symptoms of an illness but not the illness itself. Knowledge of such can only help a couple begin the process of healing individually and as a couple. The problem, to me, whatever it maybe, is potentially curable - but only if both of the parties want it and are willing to do the work to get there.

Like alcoholism, and its a poor metaphor, acknowledgment of the problem is step #1 in a years long process. So the A itself neither helps nor hinders - merely enlightens. What dooms or saves the M is the actions of the participants thenceforth.

 

In short, the OM/OW is rarely the problem - just playing a, ahem, "supporting role".

 

 

 

Of course I deserve to know - its my life too.

Why do you (general) think I don't deserve to know?

If you (general) say the BS deserves to know, and you know...uh, tell?

 

Why do you (OP) think a BS deserves to 1) know or 2) not know?

 

No need to share it here...maybe just write it down and have a look...I bet most of the "no reasons" come down to "not wanting to face the consequences". Not a dig...just trying to get those mental wheels turning and maybe a bit introspection.

 

 

 

Anyone. I was told by someone I had maybe met three times. You have no idea how much respect I have for that person's courage. Awe-inspiring isn't it?

 

I think i don t want to tell her because i love him and i don t wanna screw his life... Sad, ha?

[Confused48]

I think i don t want to tell her because i love him and i don t wanna screw his life... Sad, ha?

 

If this is your reason for not telling then I can predict that you will be back together with him shortly. You will likely go back and forth with him a few more times before you finally hate his guts for doing this to you and eventfully see him for who he really is, a not very good person. Then you will tell.

 

I've seen this happen here dozens of times. It is an all to common pattern. Tell now and save yourself some pain and some years off your life.

[Clay]

I think i don t want to tell her because i love him and i don t wanna screw his life... Sad, ha?

 

Its your choice. You don't have to. Just as if you were the BW and no one told you tough for you right. The truth is he screwed up his life once he stepped out. No doubt if she learns on her own good for her. Hopefully she kicks him to the curb and finds someone better. He will get to have those wonderful feelings of being a weekend dad while his kids think of someone else being there dad now. Its just one of the many wonderful prices you pay when cheating. As for you; you don't have to worry. Its not your problem right.

 

Good luck in your future relationships. Hopefully you wont get to experience this for yourself some day.

 

C

[Pinklotus]

They can't really fix their marriage without her knowing the truth. They cannot confront their issues without her knowing. That being said, I'm not sure it is your job to tell. It's his.

 

I confessed my EA to my husband, and while difficult, it made our marriage better.

 

Your situation is even more serious, and there was pregnancy involved...I take it you didn't keep the baby? No judgement, it's just important to know if he would need to pay child support, etc. , and certainly a wife should know if her husband impregnated someone else.

 

The problem with you telling is that it puts yourself in potential danger, and keeps you involved in their scenario. It's his job to tell, not yours. So I would stay out of it, as you have been doing, but yes, I think the truth is best.

[ladydesigner]

In my case my WH is such a Narcissistic liar I never would have gotten the truth from him. He would have ignored and treated me cold until he either left me or ended his A.

 

I didn't know what was happening in my M. I kept asking my WH practically begging him to tell me what was wrong, why we weren't spending time together. He wasn't even home for the kids. When I did my own digging I found the red flags. When I started my own P.I. work I discovered their A was physical. When I thought the A had ended 2 years later MOW spilled ALL to me and I thank her because now I know my WH did not care for me or our family during his A. My WH had no empathy for me.

 

Worst part is he didn't even leave for the MOW, now I am left here trying to figure out what happened to my life. Trying to figure what to do next.

 

For me the truth was invaluable. I am much more into knowing my life as opposed to sticking my head in the sand. I would rather know who I was with.

[sandylee1]

well, it s not like i was going to go to his wife and say something when we started.

i m not saying what i did was good, it was actually wrong and a NEVER EVER AGAIN thing, but it s not me who s married to her so i should t say anything.

if they have problems, they should talk and say their truths and be honest with each other.

i don t know her and i think it would be disrespectul from my part to just look her up and tell her everything. she has done nothing wrong to me and i owe her nothing.

her husband took some vows so he s the one responsible of his guilt.

i deal with mine my own way...

 

I wasn't talking about you specifically when I referred to the OW telling the BW.

 

It's a good thing you won't go there again. I wonder if you were married and your H cheated, if you'd still agree the OW owes you nothing.

 

I think everyone should respect another person's marriage whether or not they know them. Some things are basic decency , but I know people aren't always thinking straight when they get into A's.

[Eighty_nine]

I hope you're not asking this question with the thought of telling his BS.

 

Opinions will differ wildly here. His W very well may be of the "ignorance is bliss" variety.

 

Deal with your guilt in a different way.

 

I'd say thinking about telling BS is a reasonable thing to consider. You seem to be vehemently against this, and I really don't understand why.

 

YES, she should know. Not to absolve anyone of guilt. But so she can make an informed decision about how to proceed.

 

once, years ago I met a guy I liked and we hung out a few times. Something seemed off though, and thanks to MySpace I discovered he had a serious girlfriend. I stopped seeing him right away, messaged his girlfriend and let her know what happened and provided proof. She dumped him immediately, and thanked me for letting her know. A couple years later I saw on Facebook that she was married (seemingly happily) with a baby on the way. I was so glad I'd told her and she ditched the scumbag.

[Dela]

no, i did not keep the pregnancy. it was mostly my decision, he didn t force me, he told me it s ok whatever i choose to do.

 

he told me he s going to leave his wife and move alone and take care of the 3 kids.

 

i didn t find that a logical decision, since he wasn t planning on telling anyone about our baby and i think not even legally.

he said that he would leave when the baby is born and that he will get everything ready until then (doubtful).

 

i didn t find it OK to keep it a secret. i think the best thing to do was telling his wife the truth. he didn t.

 

i didn t use my child to blackmail him in any way. i am not yet able to suuport a child on my own and the thought of raising one in secret, without a father was really scarry. my parents live far away so i m literally alone here. i m not proud of my decision at all, but i think it was the best thing considering the circumstances.

 

now, the reason i would want his wife to know it s because i feel she should. i don t know why.

and i m also upset because his life seems to go on like nothing happened and i m struggeling with a lot.

 

i m not trying to justify my actions or seek simpathy, i can only imagine how devastating would be for a woman who s been married for so many years to find out what s been happening for so long.

 

but i don t feel it s my place to tell her. i don t want the situation to be even harder. i m out of the A and i m trying to get better. his W contacting me for conversations will not do me any good. i know a part of me wants this as a revenge, but i m not that person.

i made so many mistakes, i don t know if it makes sense what i m saying, but yes, i wish, somehow that she finds out about everything

[ladydesigner]

no, i did not keep the pregnancy. it was mostly my decision, he didn t force me, he told me it s ok whatever i choose to do.

 

he told me he s going to leave his wife and move alone and take care of the 3 kids.

 

i didn t find that a logical decision, since he wasn t planning on telling anyone about our baby and i think not even legally.

he said that he would leave when the baby is born and that he will get everything ready until then (doubtful).

 

i didn t find it OK to keep it a secret. i think the best thing to do was telling his wife the truth. he didn t.

 

i didn t use my child to blackmail him in any way. i am not yet able to suuport a child on my own and the thought of raising one in secret, without a father was really scarry. my parents live far away so i m literally alone here. i m not proud of my decision at all, but i think it was the best thing considering the circumstances.

 

now, the reason i would want his wife to know it s because i feel she should. i don t know why.

and i m also upset because his life seems to go on like nothing happened and i m struggeling with a lot.

 

i m not trying to justify my actions or seek simpathy, i can only imagine how devastating would be for a woman who s been married for so many years to find out what s been happening for so long.

 

but i don t feel it s my place to tell her. i don t want the situation to be even harder. i m out of the A and i m trying to get better. his W contacting me for conversations will not do me any good. i know a part of me wants this as a revenge, but i m not that person.

i made so many mistakes, i don t know if it makes sense what i m saying, but yes, i wish, somehow that she finds out about everything

 

Maybe there is a way you or a friend (a friend that knows of your affair) could forward some info that gives the affair away anonymously. You could try that. Although sometimes the BS will pressure the WS into telling who the AP is/was so you may not remain anonymous forever.

[I'mNotYours]

I'm not sure. If my H (I'm single) had an A, because he wasn't satisfied with our marriage, I would wish the A was a wake up call for him and would make him think about our marriage. And I wish he would end the A and work on our marriage. But I don't think I wanted to know exactly how he had come to that conclusion...so I guess no, I wouldn't want to know.

[Giggle]

Hmm. I was a BS. I did find out.. I didnt prefer knowing. Staying as I was going to made knowing more painful. The person I am now would definitely prefer the truth. But then? I was distraught that he was that unhappy. I offered for her to be his mistress. I was pitiful.

[SunshineToday]

I hope you're not asking this question with the thought of telling his BS.

 

Opinions will differ wildly here. His W very well may be of the "ignorance is bliss" variety.

 

Deal with your guilt in a different way.

 

I have been on this forum for a few years and oddly I can't recall more then a handful of one timers claiming to be one of the "ignorance is bliss" type of betrayed wives"

 

Most do want the truth as painful or ugly as it might be.

 

How can any person make sound life decisions while being deceived? They can't.

[msoptimistic]

So for the BS who have been told of an affair by the other woman or a 3rd party, what would have been the best approach? What would give the informer credability? How much info should be shared?

[Popsicle]

Yeah, so I could leave his ass. I wouldn't listen to any sweet talking or stay for the kids, guilt, remorse or any of that crap. But if knew that I didn't have it in me to divorce for WHATEVER reason, then no, I would not want to know. It wouldn't matter anyway.

Edited July 21, 2015 by Popsicle

[Dela]

So for the BS who have been told of an affair by the other woman or a 3rd party, what would have been the best approach? What would give the informer credability? How much info should be shared?

 

i think the W would want some proof of some sort. i don t know.

being that she would know the H has already lied to her for so long, my guess it she would have to listen the OW story also.

 

i don t see any point in him denying if she s telling the truth.

i know i wouldn t say anything else but exactly how things happen.

the MM would have another side of the story, i m sure.

 

but i think she s the one to decide who to trust. at this point it would be hard:

to trust the H who deceived or the OW who s a stranger. depends.

 

some women leave the marriage just because the H was disloyal (it s a deal breaker), some would want more info in order to take a decision, some would torture themselves by knowing all the details and not take any decision.

 

ironic... i broke up with my ex BF 4 years ago because he cheated but i fell in love like crazy for a MM who also cheated. logically, they both have the same character but yet... i found one better than the other. wow

[purplesorrow]

i think the W would want some proof of some sort. i don t know.

being that she would know the H has already lied to her for so long, my guess it she would have to listen the OW story also.

 

i don t see any point in him denying if she s telling the truth.

i know i wouldn t say anything else but exactly how things happen.

the MM would have another side of the story, i m sure.

 

but i think she s the one to decide who to trust. at this point it would be hard:

to trust the H who deceived or the OW who s a stranger. depends.

 

some women leave the marriage just because the H was disloyal (it s a deal breaker), some would want more info in order to take a decision, some would torture themselves by knowing all the details and not take any decision.

 

ironic... i broke up with my ex BF 4 years ago because he cheated but i fell in love like crazy for a MM who also cheated. logically, they both have the same character but yet... i found one better than the other. wow

I didn't have a reason to believe either. The ow was no more credible than he was. In the end, his story matched all the found correspondence and info from the PI.

[gettingstronger]

So for the BS who have been told of an affair by the other woman or a 3rd party, what would have been the best approach? What would give the informer credability? How much info should be shared?

 

 

 

I have always said in a perfect world, it would have come from my husband. If the idea is that our OW felt like I needed to know, she should have given him 2 weeks to tell me-BUT, in our case, it was not about that-not sure what it was, I think she snapped, she sent an anon text with the name he had her in his phone-I read one text and confronted him and he came clean immediately-

 

I am unsure sure why people always talk about having "proof"- in my mind, if someone said your husband is cheating, he probably is- it would make no sense in my mind that someone was out to ruin him with lies-

I had a friend years ago that received an email saying her husband was cheating, she asked me if she should believe it (this was before my situation) and I was like, well, yes, you should- random strangers don't just send emails like that, friends don't do that either-there is not an epidemic of fake emails outing affairs is there?

 

Truth is good for all involved- the OW can see where the A is going, will he leave now that its exposed, the WS can see what they have done to all involved, the BS finally has truth in their life-

 

I don't understand the concept that outing with make the BS kick out the WS because "who stays with a cheater" well, the OW is with a cheater, the MM is a cheater, they are the only two who are knowingly involved in a relationship like that and they both are accepting it- why is the BS any different, why would them finding out automatically mean she kicks him out or she is weak-

[SammySammy]

For the betrayed spouses who say they want to know, what do you want to know? Do you want confirmation an affair occurred or do you want details?

 

As an OM, I think my AP's husband is better off not knowing anything. He's totally unaware and thinks he has the perfect wife. Knowing she had a long extensive affair would be bad. However, knowing the details would would be cruel in my opinion.

 

I don't see how the details would be helpful.

[daisygirl19]

Personally, I would want to know. I would want the option of making a decision based on facts, not speculation, if I thought something was "not quite right". I am an over thinker, so I would probably want the details as well. The thoughts in my head would be equally as bad, if not worse. I would always rather deal in facts.

 

My FMM's ex-wife did NOT want facts, did not want details. Actually begged us not to tell her or anyone else if we were together physically before they separated. Maybe if they had stayed together, or if that had been an option for her, she may have felt differently, but she has always said the emotional affair was hurtful enough and she wants to be "spared the pain" of knowing there was anything beyond that. I honestly think, in her case, that the perception of what other people might think is the worst possible thing for her.

[minimariah]

For the betrayed spouses who say they want to know, what do you want to know? Do you want confirmation an affair occurred or do you want details?

 

i just want to know that an affair -- infidelity -- had happened.

 

that is & was more than enough for me to gracefully bow out. it takes me even less than that -- when i get suspicious, it's already over. since i didn't & wouldn't reconcile -- no need for details, really. when you're done, you don't care & you just want to move on with your life.

 

it's completely different for those who want to reconcile & stay, work on their marriage... it's like you suddenly become morbidly curious and you want to know absolutely everything, i think.

 

it depends on what you'll do with the information you have = if you want to STAY, then details are important. if you're done anyway, what is the point?

Edited July 21, 2015 by minimariah

[SammySammy]

i just want to know that an affair -- infidelity -- had happened.

 

that is & was more than enough for me to gracefully bow out. it takes me even less than that -- when i get suspicious, it's already over. since i didn't & wouldn't reconcile -- no need for details, really. when you're done, you don't care & you just want to move on with your life.

 

it's completely different for those who want to reconcile & stay, work on their marriage... it's like you suddenly become morbidly curious and you want to know absolutely everything, i think.

 

it depends on what you'll do with the information you have = if you want to STAY, then details are important. if you're done anyway, what is the point?

 

Okay. That makes sense.

[Sub]

For the betrayed spouses who say they want to know, what do you want to know? Do you want confirmation an affair occurred or do you want details?

 

It's a double-edged sword. If I didn't know the details, I'd just fill in the blanks myself with assumptions, possibly asking bit by bit. Or processing things that may have never even happened. I do know a ton of details, however. I will admit that some of them are haunting. But having them allows me to deal with the reality of it. I felt my WW lived a separate, secret life, when we were supposed to be living our life together, honestly. Having the details at least strips away some of the secret. I'd rather deal with the pain of the details and process them than just pretend they don't matter and potentially let my imagination get the best of me.