My story - input needed!

[winterkeep]

Change can only come when you're ready but please take some time away to yourself to really explore this situation and work out what your limits are- then stick to them!

 

Ending any relationship is painful but delaying the inevitable won't help, come the end of Sept you would be in a much better place had you of stuck to NC and would have found that your healing had at least begun. If it gets to Sept and you're in the status quo remember that you could have been at least partially healed by now and ask yourself where you want to be in another two months - on the way to healing or still hurt. I am a bit worried that your ready will only be when he leaves or damages you completely.

 

In all honesty I think you are allowing him to cake eat, if you walk and he loses you he will realise pretty quickly if he loves and needs to be with you. Like any person he will do anything to get you back, right now you're saying its ok to you to be on the side and is it really for you?

 

Some questions for you..

 

How much tim do you spend together?

Are you a priority?

Are you THE priority?

Are you happy more often then sad?

Are you mistaking drama for intimacy?

 

 

Life is too short to be unhappy and to waste on dead ends as I fear this may be. I'm sorry to be so harsh but you're so young and seem like such an awesome girl that I really think you deserve better.

 

Why don't you take control of your life and plan something you've always wanted to do? I'm climbing Everest next month, its my way of regaining control and direction and to remind myself I'm actually a pretty cool chick! Why not do the same? (I get mountains may not be everyones thing but you get what I mean!)

 

This is your life hun, take it back - he'll catch up if he wants to although I rather hope you meet an awesome single guy on the way instead.

 

Good luck, people will be here when you're ready

Edited August 11, 2015 by winterkeep

[I4givehim]

When I came on this site...I wanted to share my story and listen/read other people's stories in order to find support and finally move on with my life....away from this A that seems to be tearing me apart half the time, and then making me super happy the other half.

 

And honestly, that's exactly what I found and you are all great and strong people.

 

I realized over the last few days that I am just not ready. MM and I have set up a final deadline which we both finally agree on and I am going to wait until that time passes to go completely NC. (block him on everything, which I have not been able to do yet)....the end of September.

 

I know some of you are shaking your heads right now, and rightfully so. This site has just shown how we all have the same stories and how they are ending all same way. But I really need to go through this last 1.5 month that I have left to finally say that it's over...with no "what ifs, buts...etc."

 

I'm promising myself that I will not look back at that point! Soooo....unless he leaves his W by the end of September (which he seems really sure for the first that it will happen), expect me back at that time! I'll be back at exactly midnight! I will be ready to move on and receive all the support that you have been providing me all this time! I'm going to need all of you...seriously! But at least I'll be ready to help myself too!

 

See you...humm...possibly?.....probably?....in 1.5 months! (Although...I will still be reading your stories stay strong and wishing you all the best)

 

And then he will do to you what he did to her. Once a cheater always a cheater. Good luck with that.

[minimariah]

well... seems like you already made a decision so... best of luck!

keep us updated.

[Gloria_Smellons]

As I said in my other post please consider cutting off contact between now and deadline day. Try and put your emotions to the side (almost impossible I know), and look at this logically. HE needs to sort out HIS mess, so there's no need for you to be around during this time.

 

It will be prudent for you to start preparing for the 'worst case' scenario, just in case.

 

If he comes through, great, you've lost nothing. If he doesn't, then you'll at least already have gotten a head start on getting him out your life for good.

 

Wishing you luck and strength.

[E-Heart]

To the bold: this is exactly the stuff you WOULD tell your significant other if you were making future plans with them. If for no other reason that to be sure the AP would be waiting for me at the end of it and is on board with my plans. Thats what real couples do. Youre accepting less than what you deserve.

 

As for the cake stuff - Google "ego kibbles". Eye opening.

 

You're right! I just need to do this one last stretch and I know it sounds pretty f'n dumb to everybody.

 

And to be honest...Deep down, I don't think it's going to happen because everything that has happened in the past shows me that. I know that if he hasn't left her by the end of September that he will ask for more time, but I'm ready to say no; I've already had enough. And why start NC now? I'm really not sure....maybe I need this for closure? Who knows!

[E-Heart]

And then he will do to you what he did to her. Once a cheater always a cheater. Good luck with that.

 

I was a cheater and really don't plan on being one again; it almost killed me!

 

Does this mean I will always be a cheater then? I do believe there's people out there to whom this doesn't apply!

[lemondrop21]

I agree with Gloria's idea of cutting off contact for a predetermined amount of time BEFORE the deadline (let's say, 1 month) so that he feels he is honestly making a decision with a clear head. Although the reality is that one month isn't a lot, plenty of people take YEARS deciding whether to separate/divorce, but at least it's something.

 

My MM and I went into a five week period of agreed-upon NC, and then we will come back and see where we stand (we are now in week 5). I have felt every emotion under the sun during this period and I feel things shift day to day and week to week. I have even been grateful this week that it was five weeks instead of four, because I feel stronger this week than last and have had some revelations this week about what I want. This period of time has been tough for me but I know it's the best thing for both of us right now. Especially given that if he leaves his marriage, he wants to do so "knowing that he tried everything to make it work."

 

Trust me, it's a lot easier than true NC because you know that it's temporary, but yet you still get some peace and quiet.

 

I wish you the best of luck and trust that things will work out the way they should.

[E-Heart]

Change can only come when you're ready but please take some time away to yourself to really explore this situation and work out what your limits are- then stick to them!

 

Ending any relationship is painful but delaying the inevitable won't help, come the end of Sept you would be in a much better place had you of stuck to NC and would have found that your healing had at least begun. If it gets to Sept and you're in the status quo remember that you could have been at least partially healed by now and ask yourself where you want to be in another two months - on the way to healing or still hurt. I am a bit worried that your ready will only be when he leaves or damages you completely.

 

In all honesty I think you are allowing him to cake eat, if you walk and he loses you he will realise pretty quickly if he loves and needs to be with you. Like any person he will do anything to get you back, right now you're saying its ok to you to be on the side and is it really for you?

 

Some questions for you..

 

How much tim do you spend together?

Are you a priority?

Are you THE priority?

Are you happy more often then sad?

Are you mistaking drama for intimacy?

 

 

Life is too short to be unhappy and to waste on dead ends as I fear this may be. I'm sorry to be so harsh but you're so young and seem like such an awesome girl that I really think you deserve better.

 

Why don't you take control of your life and plan something you've always wanted to do? I'm climbing Everest next month, its my way of regaining control and direction and to remind myself I'm actually a pretty cool chick! Why not do the same? (I get mountains may not be everyones thing but you get what I mean!)

 

This is your life hun, take it back - he'll catch up if he wants to although I rather hope you meet an awesome single guy on the way instead.

 

Good luck, people will be here when you're ready

 

Thank you Winter!

It's hard for everyone to believe that I'll be able to walk away at the end of Sept. but I know I will. I don't know why but i need this extra time. He's away for almost 3 weeks and that'll give me some time to think.

 

I am working on something that I've always wanted - med school. Unfortunately that means being stuck at home studying, but it's my dream and I'm going for it! He's not preventing me from having fun with friends or doing anything that I want to do, so I've made a bunch of plans with friends for when he's gone! It's not like I'm waiting at home biting my nails!

 

Thank you!

[E-Heart]

I agree with Gloria's idea of cutting off contact for a predetermined amount of time BEFORE the deadline (let's say, 1 month) so that he feels he is honestly making a decision with a clear head. Although the reality is that one month isn't a lot, plenty of people take YEARS deciding whether to separate/divorce, but at least it's something.

 

My MM and I went into a five week period of agreed-upon NC, and then we will come back and see where we stand (we are now in week 5). I have felt every emotion under the sun during this period and I feel things shift day to day and week to week. I have even been grateful this week that it was five weeks instead of four, because I feel stronger this week than last and have had some revelations this week about what I want. This period of time has been tough for me but I know it's the best thing for both of us right now. Especially given that if he leaves his marriage, he wants to do so "knowing that he tried everything to make it work."

 

Trust me, it's a lot easier than true NC because you know that it's temporary, but yet you still get some peace and quiet.

 

I wish you the best of luck and trust that things will work out the way they should.

 

It sounds like a great idea. I think I will bring it up...but I have a feeling he won't like the idea! I'm not sure why...he's going to be gone for 3 weeks anyways. I"ll bring it up! I like this idea!

[Morro72]

Just curious - does this deadline thing ever work?

[E-Heart]

Please be gentle!

 

MM is leaving for a two week trip tomorrow and then one week to his parent's....so he'll be gone for a full three weeks (with one day back home in between. He's supposed to see a counselor on that day; actually had an appointment booked on the day that he comes back so he had to cancel it....go figure! This trip is again more important than me!). I've had a bad emotionally painful week...awful night last night. I can't do it anymore, I'm worth more than this.

 

Although he's just leaving tomorrow night, I told him not to text me...just makes me sad and upset. He said he won't unless I text him.

 

Whenever I feel the urge to text him, I'll be coming here! He said some things this morning (ex. He's just weirdly gotten comfortable with the situation) which just disgusted me. I know that I've allowed it and whatever I allow will just continue. Time for him to get uncomfortable!

 

I feel like I need an intervention!!!

[Popsicle]

I'm worth more than this.

 

Just keep remembering this.

[Heatherknows]

Please be gentle!

 

MM is leaving for a two week trip tomorrow and then one week to his parent's....so he'll be gone for a full three weeks (with one day back home in between. He's supposed to see a counselor on that day; actually had an appointment booked on the day that he comes back so he had to cancel it....go figure! This trip is again more important than me!). I've had a bad emotionally painful week...awful night last night. I can't do it anymore, I'm worth more than this.

 

Although he's just leaving tomorrow night, I told him not to text me...just makes me sad and upset. He said he won't unless I text him.

 

Whenever I feel the urge to text him, I'll be coming here! He said some things this morning (ex. He's just weirdly gotten comfortable with the situation) which just disgusted me. I know that I've allowed it and whatever I allow will just continue. Time for him to get uncomfortable!

 

I feel like I need an intervention!!!

 

You do need an intervention. I can hear in your post sadness and longing. I could be wrong but that's what I hear. His needs are being met and yours aren't. He will never meet your needs but string you along for his own pleasure. I'm so sorry you've gotten involved with a MM. I hope you find your way out of this miserable trap.

[E-Heart]

You do need an intervention. I can hear in your post sadness and longing. I could be wrong but that's what I hear. His needs are being met and yours aren't. He will never meet your needs but string you along for his own pleasure. I'm so sorry you've gotten involved with a MM. I hope you find your way out of this miserable trap.

 

I know I've tried NC before and have failed miserably (therefore might not get much sympathy from anyone on this board)...but I've never had such a bad week.

 

First step out of this miserable trap, as you call it. He'll be gone for 3 weeks, with an 8 hour difference...hopefully that makes it easier! I am mostly just sad right now....I just don't get how you can do this to someone. I said a full year ago that I won't be able to handle another trip...I guess I didn't give him enough notice...

 

I'm usually tempted to check out the messaging app that we use to see if he went online, but I don't even feel the urge to even do that right now.

[Heatherknows]

I know I've tried NC before and have failed miserably (therefore might not get much sympathy from anyone on this board)...but I've never had such a bad week.

 

First step out of this miserable trap, as you call it. He'll be gone for 3 weeks, with an 8 hour difference...hopefully that makes it easier! I am mostly just sad right now....I just don't get how you can do this to someone. I said a full year ago that I won't be able to handle another trip...I guess I didn't give him enough notice...

 

I'm usually tempted to check out the messaging app that we use to see if he went online, but I don't even feel the urge to even do that right now.

 

How long have you been with this MM?

[E-Heart]

How long have you been with this MM?

 

Three years. I left my H 1.5 years ago....no regrets about that! It was obvious that I wasn't happy in my marriage. So I have been waiting for him all this time. He says he will leave his wife by the end of September...this is the first goal that we have agreed on! And if it doesn't happen, then I'm not waiting anymore. I just hurt too much now to even get to that point

[Heatherknows]

Three years. I left my H 1.5 years ago....no regrets about that! It was obvious that I wasn't happy in my marriage. So I have been waiting for him all this time. He says he will leave his wife by the end of September...this is the first goal that we have agreed on! And if it doesn't happen, then I'm not waiting anymore. I just hurt too much now to even get to that point

 

Three years is a long time. A really long time. How do you know he won't leave his wife and then want to date again?

[E-Heart]

Three years is a long time. A really long time. How do you know he won't leave his wife and then want to date again?

 

He might! But I feel like until then it's just too much for me!

 

There's been a couple of "By the end of this year we'll be together" and that has never happened. There's been a couple of lies lately so I don't get upset, but I found out about them (not sure if he thinks I'm oblivious like his W...)

 

He's unhappy in his M, but comfortable and afraid of change (his own words this morning). Apparently that's enough for most men to stay in an unhappy M.

[dubliner]

Is he going alone on the trip or with BS?

[E-Heart]

Is he going alone on the trip or with BS?

 

With his BS. Their yearly Europe trip!

[E-Heart]

Is he going alone on the trip or with BS?

 

With his BS. Their yearly Europe trip!

 

I wish he was going alone! I could probably pull through until the end of September!

[Heatherknows]

He might! But I feel like until then it's just too much for me!

 

There's been a couple of "By the end of this year we'll be together" and that has never happened. There's been a couple of lies lately so I don't get upset, but I found out about them (not sure if he thinks I'm oblivious like his W...)

 

He's unhappy in his M, but comfortable and afraid of change (his own words this morning). Apparently that's enough for most men to stay in an unhappy M.

 

So you know he's a liar and a cheat. Do you really want to grow old and more sad waiting for a liar and a cheat to chose you?

[dubliner]

With his BS. Their yearly Europe trip!

 

I wish he was going alone! I could probably pull through until the end of September!

 

Seriously? And then he will be leaving his W the a few weeks after they return from holidays?..........,,

 

I would delete the messaging app.

Use the next three weeks to practice having a life you can look back on and say 'they were the best days' , because it's practice for a future without that man.

[E-Heart]

Seriously? And then he will be leaving his W the a few weeks after they return from holidays?..........,,

 

I would delete the messaging app.

Use the next three weeks to practice having a life you can look back on and say 'they were the best days' , because it's practice for a future without that man.

 

Not just that, it's also their anniversary when they return...humph!

[E-Heart]

Seriously? And then he will be leaving his W the a few weeks after they return from holidays?..........,,

 

I would delete the messaging app.

Use the next three weeks to practice having a life you can look back on and say 'they were the best days' , because it's practice for a future without that man.

 

He'll just find another way to text me or contact me. I'll keep the app until I'm really tempted to text. But I really don't feel the urge right now