Author thespacey1 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 Aw, that was a very thoughtful post surferchic. Thank you! I've managed to do pretty good. With the exception of being sad from time to time when I realize we are really not contacting each other. That's a bit saddening(if that's a word). I've blocked him but I still find myself checking the blocked message inbox... Any suggestions? That's killing me. I feel like I need to meet someone else ASAP or move away. This was the deepest relationship I've had where we were about to actually marry. We spent each day together up (except when i went out of state to visit my family) until we broke up. Even when we argued neither of us ever... Ever slept anywhere else . we worked through it and stayed together. Maybe not the best thing but that's what we did. I know I probably sound weak right now but I'm feeling that way. I've had 2 dates with 2 different guys btwn last week and today, but still my mind is drifting to my ex. Here's the kicker>>> During our last few months together we didn't even argue... Why? We still cooked for each other and slept together(not just intercourse but actually chose to still come home every single night). He made me breakfast in bed that last week.(i know he was just trying to make me feel guilty, but thankfully I'm still living)... Not funny. I wish I could erase all the memories or get hypnotized or something. Help. Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I think it'll take time. It's ok to still think about him a lot. And good for you for going on dates don't be so hard on yourself for feeling this way. You still have feelings for him and that's ok. They'll soon fade in time. Just try to focus on the bad things. And in regards with things being ok towards the end I don't know what to say about that but it also happened with me. My ex started acting all in love again, it was only when I asked him about his feelings did did he say that they'd been still up and down. That's what swayed my decision to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thespacey1 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 Thanks a bunch again Meli. Trying not to be hard on myself. I just think I shouldn't still be feeling like this after several months... Really. In terms of any sort of date, I felt like a zombie really.I'm never fully in the moment and I'm sure the guy(s) could tell. I don't want to make anyone a rebound because its not fair. But how do any of us truly know if we're rebounds or not. Now that I think about it when getting in involved w/my ex, he was pretty much a rebound from my previous guy. I think we're all rebounds to a certain extent. But I didn't get with my ex-fiance just to get back at anyone. He really captured my attention. However, early on my ex-fiance said there was a certain sadness in my eyes. Perhaps it was because my previous guy was still calling me and asking was I happy. How ironic is that... Ex fiance was furious about that and used to grab my phone early in the morning before I woke up and before he went to work and go thru my messages... I'd always keep my phone right beside me on the floor,beside our bed. Each and every morning he'd kneel down and kiss me goodbye before going to work... Goodbye kiss or just a ploy to get next to my phone. Does anyone know if its possible to set my phone so that he can basically never exist to me anymors...? And I won't have to sorry about wondering if he ever contacts me again and I won't be tempted to contact him. I'm pretty sure we're absolutely done now. I actually had home of seeing him again but I don't think that'll happen now especially since he made it clear before, that since I left him he should be the one chasing him. My pride would never let me do that especially knowing why I left him. Link to post Share on other sites
surferchic Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Thanks a bunch again Meli. Trying not to be hard on myself. I just think I shouldn't still be feeling like this after several months... Really. In terms of any sort of date, I felt like a zombie really.I'm never fully in the moment and I'm sure the guy(s) could tell. I don't want to make anyone a rebound because its not fair. But how do any of us truly know if we're rebounds or not. Now that I think about it when getting in involved w/my ex, he was pretty much a rebound from my previous guy. I think we're all rebounds to a certain extent. But I didn't get with my ex-fiance just to get back at anyone. He really captured my attention. However, early on my ex-fiance said there was a certain sadness in my eyes. Perhaps it was because my previous guy was still calling me and asking was I happy. How ironic is that... Ex fiance was furious about that and used to grab my phone early in the morning before I woke up and before he went to work and go thru my messages... I'd always keep my phone right beside me on the floor,beside our bed. Each and every morning he'd kneel down and kiss me goodbye before going to work... Goodbye kiss or just a ploy to get next to my phone. I actually had home of seeing him again but I don't think that'll happen now especially since he made it clear before, that since I left him he should be the one chasing him. My pride would never let me do that especially knowing why I left him. Yep, sounds like your ex fiance was kind of a rebound from your previous guy, but turned into something more. Also sounds like he knew that you were probably still fragile from the relationship (as many people are when the breakup is still fresh) and he tried rushing you into something with him . Maybe he used that sadness in your eyes and played on that by giving you everything he thought you were missing from your ex. Guys like your ex fiance( controlling AND w/ a criminal bkground;no offense) are great at reading people. They try giving you what they think you want/NEED in order to benefit them. He knew you were hurt from your previous situation so he tried &seemingly succeeded at rushing you into a deeper relationship to the point where it was probably difficult for you to even think straight because of his subtle speed& forcefulness . Correct me if I'm wrong OP... As for your phone, that's another sign that he was REALLY insecure by looking through it. ---How did you realize he'd been looking through your phone?--- Wish I were more tech savvy, but I'm not. If you block his number it won't sbow. Try training yourself not to look in that folder. Set a reminder on your phone to "NOT CHECK THE FOLDER"... Just an idea. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thespacey1 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 No offense taken surferchic. I appreciate all that, lol. Well, yeah. I believe he achieved his goal of rushing the relationship to the point where it really was difficult to think at times about what I really wanted. Plus, he'd their temper tantrums and the smallest things and he knew I wanted to please him so that's where my focus would be when he got mad. And yes, he does have a criminal bkgrnd. I realized he was checking my phone when a few times out of the blue, he'd repeat to me part of messages I texted to someone other than him. He'd look me straight in the eye and say part of the message that no one would know unless I texted them. I'd ask him what he was talking about and he'd just stare at me then go on don't something else... Weird. Now that I think about it, sometimes when he'd get unexplainably mad I really believe there were things in his mind regarding stuff in my phone and questions he wanted answered but was too ashamed to ask. So he'd find any other little thing to act mad about. He told me once that he was too ashamed to tell me one of the things that was bothering him because it would've made him look bad. I had to pull it out of him until he finally told me, but I still wonder if that was even really the real issue that was bothering him. Oh well, doesn't matter now. Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Mine used to check mine too I think. I only know because on iPhones it shows the last apps you were on, and I'd unlock my phone and some apps were open that I hadn't been on myself (messenger ones). It didn't bother me because I knew he wouldn't find anything but I found it hurtful and intrusive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thespacey1 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 )...It didn't bother me because I knew he wouldn't find anything but I found it hurtful and intrusive. Yep... In addition to other stuff, he also told me to hand my phone to him. He told me "i just wanna let you see that I'm not stupid. All I have to do is look at your finger prints(swipe pattern) on the screen, see! :-)". He had this constant need to tell me that he wasn't stupid, nothings wrong with him, he doesnt need 'help'/counseling and that he makes good decisions. I did suggest that we/ he needed counseling, yes. But I never told him he didn't make good decisions. However, (by his own admission) a close relative would make him feel as of he didn't make good decisions AND there would be MANY times when my silence was golden in proving that I'm no idiot myself. I stood and still stand firm in belief that the more someone feels they have to keep proving (verbally) how sane they are, the greater reason there probably is to doubt that sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Our exes sound so similar it's crazy Link to post Share on other sites
Author thespacey1 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 Our exes sound so similar it's crazy yeah ridiculous Link to post Share on other sites
surferchic Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Yeah, I think there are so many guys out there similar to yours. I dealt w/a similar situation as well. I hate to think about it sometimes. You both do have incredibly similar narratives, which is awesome for healing... Link to post Share on other sites
Author thespacey1 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 True . Though I don't wish this stuff on anyone, its good to have someone who can relate to what you're going through without judgment. It's really embarrassing that I dealt with him for as long as I did and still have the nerve to miss some of our interaction. But then I remember it's the routine of coming home to each other that I think I miss more than anything. I don't miss the tension and arguments. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thespacey1 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 So I saw my ex's best buddy at church this weekend. I was talking to this lady I know when I see him from the corner of my eye. He hung around until getting my attention. He called my name and said hello. I smiled and spoke of course. Decent conversation. Nothing out of the ordinary i dont think. We did talk for several minutes though and he brought up another time when he saw me recently and I didn't see him. He was saying he called and told my ex when he saw me and what not... Interesting. I felt like he kept talking to try and see if I'd ask about my ex. I didn't. I didn't want to immature so I did say "Tell 'him' I said hello", as I was leaving the conversation. ...That's what adults do right... So guess the news will travel, but I'll never find out for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
callmesally Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 One of my breakups were pretty hard to get over and the moment I stopped thinking about him I ended up noticing a missed call from him. We had a long distance relationship, but would visit each other every single weekend until we decided to break up. Point being, someone will usually end up contacting the other sooner or later... If its him great(under the assumption that you want to hear from him). If its you then so be it. IMO, when you break up with someone the dumpee is understandably already messed up, and yes even men. So if you did the dumping I feel like you can reach out to the ex whenever. Just be prepared for various responses, or none. Stubborn men will put up a wall at first and play the cool card. But that's fine, because most of the time you may just want to hear their voice "briefly". No need to linger on the phone to allow a lull in conversation. Or text ,then wait for a response. :-l When you wait forever or surpress certain communication for too long toward an ex, I've found that you go berserk at the end or eventually. In some cases and with all fairness, not all dumpees are monsters. I've usually just gotten it out of my system to contact my ex. Idea being, be cordial, concise and speak from the heart , unless they just treated you like total rubbish,plus broke up with you. OP, I'm not sure if you want to hear from your ex or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
callmesally Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Goal is not to get back with ex, but more so to get it out of one's system in order to move on with healing. Different methods work for different folk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenman88 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I'm sorry to say OP but if you love him so much and are thinking of getting back with him why not give it a shot? Give it a month or so slow and see if he has changed his temper, chances are if he really loves you he will change if not he should seek help to change or it won't work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I contacted mine some time after we broke up because I had this anger bubbling and felt I deserved some closure after the way he treated me. I know people say closure doesn't exist but it helped me. I didn't necessarily get answers but it stopped me from wondering what I did wrong, and made me realise it was all him. He wrote an essay about what's been going on in his life and made it clear he was not up to much (I didn't ask). So I think from that he'd been possibly wanting to get that out of his system. So I get what you mean callmesally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thespacey1 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 (edited) Thanks guys for your feedback. Not sure how I'm going to proceed, I.e. making contact or doing nothing. It's not like we haven't made contact at all since I left him it just took some time and it almost seems weird. Happened like this: √I texted him that he may wanna go get some things he left. He was so bitter still at that point that he didn't even respond. √he contacted me to tell me one of our mutual friends had died √ he called my mother to say hello and happy mother's day (nice of him but for what at this point; wish he hadnt) √he texted me to say hello and sent me pix of his little daughter because he knows I tested her like she was my own. (When we were still living together and I was hanging out or running errands, he'd text pix of her to "summon" me home)... Seems funny now √ I texted him to tell him I was leaving the country for a while, so he called me a few times before I left: ----once at night around 11:00pm, then a few days later at 7:30am, then 4:30am to wish me happy birthday and that he should have been going with me √ he texted me several times while I was away saying that he should have been with me traveling and flirting a bit. Not sure what his real point was for saying that he should have been there with me, but it felt like he was just fishing and testing me to get a response. Not once did he suggest we get together or see each other when I get back.when I did get back I texted to let him know because I knew he'd appreciate that and he did.and thanked me for telling him.then he told me he was home relaxing making brownies(other than being outdoors ,concerts, and making love one of our favorite things to do together was EAT) But again be never initiated seeing me. He was just teasing me I feel. So now I'm just chilling not saying anything or making a move because deep down, I can't forget how upset he was about the fact that I LEFT HIM. He doesn't forget anything... So I'll admit I still care for him and miss him. But frankly I've seen two guys since our breakup. Being a guy, He's probably seen several females since our breakup. Its a reality. He probably thinks I met up with some dudes while I was out of the country. His mind is like that... I'm very afraid to make a move to say or do anything to make myself vulnerable at this point. I feel like he might try to hurt me deliberately as revenge, THEN he'd say something like, "I love you ,I do but you did this. See what happened all because you wanted to leave me/leave us! You can't have things the way you want all the time thespacey1!" So,yeah. That's where I'm at now. Smh...pray for me if you believe in God. If not ,hope the best for me in terms of me forgetting about him or not being humiliated by any further interaction with him. I really REALLY ,REALLy would like my memory to be erased of him and our experiences together but its taking so freaking long.ughhh... Edited July 28, 2015 by thespacey1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thespacey1 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 I'm sorry to say OP but if you love him so much and are thinking of getting back with him why not give it a shot? Give it a month or so slow and see if he has changed his temper, chances are if he really loves you he will change if not he should seek help to change or it won't work. Thanks for your post. I'm not sure that getting back with him is my aim right now. I'm more so thinking about him a lot and wishing he'd initiate contact again. I do know a few things: - once I shocked him that day with " we should move apart into our separate places because I can't continue on like we are", he has never been the same. -he was furious and hurt and ever since that period in time, he has been gradually less responsive especially once he realized I was moving forward with the move.and wasn't trying to stop either of us. -he made the comment, since I left him/wanted us to split I should chase him... Not gonna happen.he like revenge and teaching lessons... Not sure how much he would have change in these few months... And I'm honestly afraid to reach out to find out.I know I'm a bit of a punk when it comes to going after WHO I want when my ego&/pride are involved. Link to post Share on other sites
surferchic Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Sounds like you have decisions to make. No pressure. I think that only you are putting the pressure on yourself... With matters of the heart there should be a sense of urgency, but it must be balanced with protecting your own safety and happiness in the context of your experience with your ex fiance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thespacey1 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 I'm sorry to say OP but if you love him so much and are thinking of getting back with him why not give it a shot? Give it a month or so slow and see if he has changed his temper, chances are if he really loves you he will change if not he should seek help to change or it won't work. ... I honestly wouldn't know where/how to start... I'm assuming you're a guy by your handle. How would you expect a woman (who broke up w/you) to reach out to you? ... In order to take her seriously after she left you/ the relationship? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 In reading part of brokenman's post, I agree with some of it. We're all equipped with brains to think and act as we see fit during our break ups. The flip side of that is to remember a few key things from your situation/past situation: # he has a criminal background. Not being judgmental b/c I believe we all deserve a fair chance at things after we've made mistakes, but if a man has a violent criminal past you have to keep that in the back of your mind...pay back, his current associations, and your safety by being involved with him after you've clearly angered and probably embarrassed him amongst his acquaintances. #safety # when a man who has a history of violence is given a second chance with you, after already being emotionally abusive the next incident could easily escalate to something detrimental or make life a living hell for you so that he can watch you suffer...like he did from you leaving him after he clearly thought that NO WOMAN would ever want to leave him. # if you do make physical contact with him again, make sure its in a neutral environment initially. Then as things progress,if they do let things progress very slowly to the point of not staying overnight with him until you have seen him several times under various "moods" & situations ...yep, test him... # observe his responses to you and whether his acquaintances act any differently towards you (too nice or too cold. IMO, both are red flags that he's influenced their view of you which may or may not have an impact on your day to day living)... Example in post to follow this one... Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 A few years back,one of my girlfriends' ex-boyfriend at the time(history of violence and so did his friends) was keeping in contact with her about random stuff. No big deal, we assumed . Especially since she wanted to hear from him anyway. So one day he calls my friend to tell her that a woman who we all knew through her ex, had passed away... out of the blue. Shocking to my girlfriend and I, to say the least. My girlfriend didnt expect to hear any news of that sort.The lady wasn't sick or anything to our knowledge. So we were wondering about a funeral and everything, but we never heard about a funeral. Strange. The main thing that jolted us after chatting about the situation was that several women in her ex boyfriends circle had passed before the husbands and/or had taken out higher life insurance policies recently. One source mistakingly disclosed that the woman who passed was having serious issues with her husband for several years and that one of her ex-boyfriends buddies was involved in some really cruddy activity that didn't gel well with the lady's death. LSS, They believed that the husband was not too mournful of the wife's death. I'll allow you to draw your own conclusions but things like that happen, in real life. When a man/person angers easily +criminal /violent history+ methodical, you have to be aware of potential harm when connecting after a relationship hiatus ,per your request rather than his. Just ponder that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thespacey1 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 ... ok, that sounds like a movie or a book... Wow, I definitely will be vigilant and consider those possibilities. But, shucks... By the time you consider all that you're drained. For the record, I have not reached out to him recently. Until I'm sure I won't do anything.I'm trying to get through one day,then one week at a time. Its amazing how we all come to loveshack and type diligently and some regularly about our "stuff" but you never really know the exact emotional state or affect of one another. I've felt pretty numb over the last few months. I'm almost all cried out. Nothing much surprises me anymore. The two guys I saw.recently didn't really float my boat. One was a new guy,the other I've known for some time. I was head over heals about him at one point but he's almost like a brother to me now that I feel like I'm no longer excited by him, at all. He's attractive... I think I'm just a bit depressed. I've actually been to therapy a few times because my breakup combined with my type of job is extremely challenging.I need to be focused and in a positive head space. I wasn't coping well at all for a while. Now I'm just feeling numb and don't even feel like I would be excited if I knew I was about to see my ex. Why? Because I feel so emotionally drained... I'm getting better in terms of not crying, but most days I don't feel like talking to anyone outside of work(not even at work really but if I don't I won't get paid, which is why I come to L.S. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thespacey1 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Nonetheless, thank you for sharing muse08! I appreciate all the advice and you sharing part of that horror story, no offense. But that really does give me something to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
ravfour4 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 (edited) Agree with other posters, only you are putting pressure on yourself. You dumped him and he was angry, most people are angry or incredibly sad when they're broken up with. You can't expect him to go all out and ask you to hang out, continually flirting with you about making brownies knowing you like that and talking about being on your trip with you is him essentially asking to hang out. Like everyone says on here - the dumper is the one who needs to reach out since they are the one who decided to do the dumping. As a guy, if my ex wanted to sincerely hangout and see how things went as a couple - I'd want a "hey, after all this time I've realized that I really miss you, can we please meet up and talk? I made a mistake" If you're not sure, but want to give it a shot, I'd want "hey, I miss you, can we hang out sometime soon?" If you're really afraid you'll get denied, it's probably because you do still have feelings for him in which case you might as well give it a shot Edited July 29, 2015 by ravfour4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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