velvette Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 OK, this is weird question... My wife has difficulty controlling her temper so when we have an argument it blows out of proportion. Sometimes she threatens to punch me or actually punches me and sometimes throws stuff at me. I don´t hit her back but it does make me angry. Anyway as time goes on this seems to be escalating. Over the last couple of weeks shes hit me in one argument, thrown a TV remote at my face in another and in the last one, punched me in the face quite a few times and scratched me too - not really bad scratches but a few of them drew a little blood and 2 are on my face which is a little awkward to explain to friends or family. So now I am in this weird position of covering for her like you would hear about abused wives doing. She says she is sorry but at the same time when we talked about it a little she started blaming me, saying that what I said in the argument made her so angry she just wanted to hit me. She is not strong enough to really hurt me and its not scaring me like it would if someone much stronger was doing that to you but, of course, I would prefer it to stop. It is confusing me because it is a strange situation. If a guy hit me I would just hit him right back but here my hands are tied so I have tried putting it to her like this - if it were me punching her in the face would that be acceptable? She agrees that it would not but that is not changing anything the next time she gets angry. In fact as I see it, it is getting worse. Any ideas what I should say or do to try and improve this situation? I haven't read the whole thread, but my advice is to insist she go to counseling to resolve her abusive behavior under threat of divorce if she doesn't. Her behavior is abuse and unacceptable. I would say the next time it happens, you should call the police and have her arrested, but I'm not sure that will work depending on your jurisdiction and especially if she is able to convince them that you somehow touched her. Perhaps you could contact your local police tell them what is happening and see what they say. Alternatively, contact you local organizations that deal with abuse and see what they advise. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Get her into therapy. She has to learn to control herself. And before you do that, install hidden cameras and tape her during her rage attacks. Providing these in court you should definitely get custody for the child, because this is too dangerous. You might also want to DNA test the kid... who knows what she's been up to given her mental state...?! Agreed... Seen cases in real life where women manipulate the system and yes, there's a double standard out there - to the point where cops will laugh in a guy's face if he files a complaint. In front of the judge, she'll sit there and cry and what not and get away with it. Get an attorney, install hidden cameras, don't tell the kids what you are doing and gain evidence legally to protect yourself. THEN, tell her to get counseling or she gets divorced w/o custody of the kids. Don't tell her to get counseling and/or threaten divorce until you built up enough evidence to be used in court (with the help of your attorney). Bullies like women like these only understand strength. You can't plead and beg them to get better. You show them the cards you have stacked against them. Shoot, I kid you not, I was listening to an old podcast (Feburaryish) where a guy called in crying to my fav podcaster on how one false report to the police, he lost his kids, job, etc. Don't let these women set you up, cuz trust me, they are sitting around plotting/planning how to f-you up while you're scared and ready to beg and plead with her to change/stay. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dental Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 amusedearl, are you taking yourself seriously? You're describing a nasty escalating situation, and you're aloof about it. Joking. BPD, hihihi. And she's pregnant. How old are you both? Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Perhaps a different question but...What do you do to trigger this in her? Has she been like this all her life or only with you? What kind of problems have you two had, did you cheat on her in the past and such? Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 OK, this is weird question... My wife has difficulty controlling her temper so when we have an argument it blows out of proportion. Sometimes she threatens to punch me or actually punches me and sometimes throws stuff at me. I don´t hit her back but it does make me angry. Anyway as time goes on this seems to be escalating. Over the last couple of weeks shes hit me in one argument, thrown a TV remote at my face in another and in the last one, punched me in the face quite a few times and scratched me too - not really bad scratches but a few of them drew a little blood and 2 are on my face which is a little awkward to explain to friends or family. This is abuse. What are your ages, any kids, for how long married ? So now I am in this weird position of covering for her like you would hear about abused wives doing. She says she is sorry but at the same time when we talked about it a little she started blaming me, saying that what I said in the argument made her so angry she just wanted to hit me. She is not strong enough to really hurt me and its not scaring me like it would if someone much stronger was doing that to you but, of course, I would prefer it to stop. Now you have started covering for her, soon you will be cowering from her. She is strong enough to hurt you; at some point she will pick up a weapon and use it with the most of her strength because her attack is emotionally charged. Essentially, she wants to harm you badly in those moments, and eventually, she will succeed. It is confusing me because it is a strange situation. If a guy hit me I would just hit him right back but here my hands are tied so I have tried putting it to her like this - if it were me punching her in the face would that be acceptable? She agrees that it would not but that is not changing anything the next time she gets angry. In fact as I see it, it is getting worse. Any ideas what I should say or do to try and improve this situation? It will always get worse because ppl get worse with age and length of relationship, not better. She is pushing against your boundaries, and you keep going back, pulling them back. She will escalate things, that's what abusers do ... and eventually you will become even more of an enabler. -- Abuse is not gender specific. Abusers are not only men, and they are not only women. Abusers are f*cked up ppl who comprise a significant % of the population [probably 10-20%], who do this stuff. Gender influences the weapons used, with men mostly preferring physical abuse, and women mostly emotional/psychological abuse ... but these are not absolutes. Your wife does not see herself as guilty, and will never see herself as that. If you do not have kids, plan for divorce [but don't say this stuff to her]. Even if she wants to fix this, it will take many yrs for it to happen, and it's doubtful it will be in full. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Next time she hits you call the police so it can be on her record. Then hire a lawyer and divorce her because she is an abuser and you are a victim of severe domestic violence. The fact that you think that you don't count as a victim because you are a man is ludicrous. She will not stop. She is vile. You need to leave.....and she is hurting you...trying to act like someone you trust and are married to hitting, scratching and being an ass isn't hurting you is also ludicrous. Abuse is abuse and using your manliness to act like it doesn't hurt you is only harming you because there are deep psychological effects to this type of behavior even if she isn't putting you in the hospital...and it diminishes the experiences of abused men everywhere. So call cops when she does it again, stop making excuses for her because she is a criminal, tell your family and everyone who will listen what she does, after she has a record call a lawyer.....kick her out of your house and file for divorce. Do not take this one day more. No one who loves you wants to hit you, and if she wants to work on herself and get help for her anger issues, she can come back and grovel to you later for that right...when she has received copious amounts of therapy and can guarantee she isn't an ass anymore. Good luck, Grumps If it's legal, get a voice activated recorder to record the interaction ... because she will lie to the cops. Also, the cops will look at whoever has the most bruises/cuts/whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I´m not trying to be manly saying what I did about how much it bothers me. It´s true there are some effects mentally, e.g. I´m probably a little less likely to approach subjects that there is a good chance we will disagree on and it does stress/depress me sometimes but it´s really not super-serious in my case. I guess I meant I don´t feel in physical danger. I don´t mean to diminish the experiences of others, I´m quite sure many are in a much worse position than me and I hope they get the help they need. It has started feeling like you are walking on eggshells, hasn't it ? Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 You make good points, it troubles me to say I am almost 100% certain that she would try to spin it on me and make it out to be my fault, she´s already tried that. On the plus side I´m fairly sure she wouldn´t hurt a child. The difficulty is, she´s pregnant now so divorce/leaving her at this stage isn´t really an option as I see it. Do you think it's healthy for a boy/girl to see their daddy get treated like this ? The damage is done, if you leave, you can lead a normal life and the child will still be able to see a messed up person, and a normal person. You will be giving the child a chance at a normal life. If she already tried spinning this against you and she is pregnant ... you need the VAR and the help of a lawyer even more. Don't feel bad over it, you will be doing what is best for your future child. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 If you were a woman, no one would be saying "have your hubby enter anger management, see what causes this" they would be telling you RUN and they would be right. YOU should RUN. I am shocked you guys got pregnant, you are bringing a baby into this and do you really think she won't be hitting that innocent child as well?? I would call the police & file for divorce. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Thanks for your reply, I´ll read the info for information as you suggest. If she needs help from a professional (quite likely, I think), is there anyway I can help her to see that she does need help? Earl, if she does have a PD, then you need to know a few things : - if she is high functioning [can hide it from all but the ones she lives with], then she will be able to hide it from a therapist [general rule] - if she is labelled as BPD by the state, there are good chances that it will be seen as a disability and something you should help her with - BPD's don't get better [as a general rule]; it's their SO's that seek therapy and think they are going nuts but they rarely do ... and of the ones that do end up there, they are notoriously difficult to help [something like 3% overall success rate] - if you mention to her that she has BPD, or any PD and the symptoms ... she will go ballistic [totally bonkers]. This is information for you, and your lawyer. You need to act in a manner that is conducive to the future best interests of your child ... not hers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Don't let anybody - ANYBODY - tell you this utter total rubbish: it's socially acceptable for a woman to hit a man because she's a woman, as a man you're an abusive a-hole and could possibly get thrown into jail. it is absolutely, totally, entirely and completely UN-acceptable for a woman to hit a man every bit as much as it is UNacceptable for a man to hit a woman. People keep banging on about a woman's physical weakness in comparison to that of a man - how a slap from a woman is not as powerful as a guy's. Well, forget that BULL. whether it's a slap, punch, scratch or hit with a skillet, rolling pin or TV remote - it is completely off the table unacceptable. It still damn well hurts and was meant to. Hitting someone else is wrong. It's wrong, WRONG, WRONG. You have to man up, and retaliate. Not physically, not verbally. As a damage-limitation, self-preservation operation. There are several posts counselling reporting her to the Law. Others suggest you tell her it's over unless she gets anger management. I suggest a combination of the two. record it, log it and report it. Then file charges and make one of the conditions, Anger management. Do this to protect yourself, but ultimately your child, and your relationship WITH the child. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Any ideas what I should say or do to try and improve this situation? YOU cannot, make plans to get yourself and your kids out of this situation. Heterosexual male victims of domestic violence · Help & information · Respect How you can increase your safety and reduce the risk There are some things you can do to help you reduce the risk from your abusive partner (or ex-partner). It is important to prepare in advance for times when you may be in danger or are being physically or verbally abused: 1. Keep a record of dates and times of all incidents. If you have been injured, get medical attention from Accident and Emergency (A & E) or your GP and they will make notes of your injuries. 2. Keep your phone fully charged and on you at all times and your credit topped up - in case you need to make emergency calls. 3. Tell a friend or family member about what's been happening. 4. Keep your passport and copies of important documents in a safe place (with a friend or relative). 5. Think about telling your employer about your situation. 6. Always report the violence or criminal damage to the Police. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Perhaps a different question but...What do you do to trigger this in her? Has she been like this all her life or only with you? What kind of problems have you two had, did you cheat on her in the past and such? None of this justifies her hitting him. Period 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 None of this justifies her hitting him. Period Not justify, but understand where it comes from... that might be a way to start addressing the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Not justify, but understand where it comes from... that might be a way to start addressing the issue. Doesn't matter where it comes from. Hitting some one else is always wrong. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 OK, this is weird question... My wife has difficulty controlling her temper so when we have an argument it blows out of proportion. Sometimes she threatens to punch me or actually punches me and sometimes throws stuff at me. I don´t hit her back but it does make me angry. Anyway as time goes on this seems to be escalating. Over the last couple of weeks shes hit me in one argument, thrown a TV remote at my face in another and in the last one, punched me in the face quite a few times and scratched me too - not really bad scratches but a few of them drew a little blood and 2 are on my face which is a little awkward to explain to friends or family. Escalating domestic abuse is serious and whilst those scratches and the punch are being minimised by you here, YOU have to take them seriously. Women (although "weak") have stabbed men, and beaten men with iron bars and broken bottles and some men have even been killed too by female partners, so it is not without risk to yourself. Male domestic abuse victim: men are scared to come forward - BBC Newsbeat Forget trying to "diagnose" her, she may have all sorts of mental health issues, or none, and an internet forum cannot give you a diagnosis and may even send you up a blind alley. Such "advice" is well outwith the scope of this forum. She needs to go and get help, especially as she is also pregnant and you need to try and protect yourself, your kids and your baby too. Even if she never lays a finger on them, the long lasting effects of living in an abusive household can be devastating to their own mental health. Abusers, as the abuse escalates often turn on the children too, do not assume she would never hurt them. Tell someone IRL, do not suffer in silence here. Do not be ashamed, she is the aggressor here, it is not your fault she is like this. Your role is to protect you and your family from her and if that means others know what she is putting you through, then so be it. Better safe than sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Doesn't matter where it comes from. Hitting some one else is always wrong. Nothing in this world is always wrong, including extreme things like murder. I can list 10 things where hitting is not wrong. Like self defence or defence of other. Maybe his wife loses it and has no control for some deep reason... And yes, yes it does matter where it comes from. If the OP wanted to leave her he would have done so by now. He wants to work things out and find a solution to this. That is why all the advice here that was along the lines of leave her, call police and run, etc are not really helping him. Besides, if she was abuse victim at some point in her life, maybe this is something that she cannot control... maybe she needs therapy, maybe something he does reminds her of her being abused in the past and triggers her anger, who knows. OP work on it with her if she is otherwise a good person. Nothing is black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Nothing in this world is always wrong, including extreme things like murder. I can list 10 things where hitting is not wrong. Like self defence or defence of other. Maybe his wife loses it and has no control for some deep reason... And yes, yes it does matter where it comes from. If the OP wanted to leave her he would have done so by now. He wants to work things out and find a solution to this. That is why all the advice here that was along the lines of leave her, call police and run, etc are not really helping him. Besides, if she was abuse victim at some point in her life, maybe this is something that she cannot control... maybe she needs therapy, maybe something he does reminds her of her being abused in the past and triggers her anger, who knows. OP work on it with her if she is otherwise a good person. Nothing is black and white. Being a previously abused victim doesn't give you a free pass to become an abuser because you " can't control it ". Nothing is ever always wrong? Where is there a situation where rape or stealing or mutilation is right? Stop trying to make excuses for an abuser. Domestic violence is domestic violence. Would you be asking the woman with a black eye what she said that made her deserve it? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Stop trying to make excuses for an abuser. Domestic violence is domestic violence. Would you be asking the woman with a black eye what she said that made her deserve it? I agree. Few would suggest a woman just puts up with it either, as he is really a good person... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somany Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 OP work on it with her if she is otherwise a good person. Nothing is black and white. Oh please you wouldn't be saying this if he was a WOMAN speaking about her abusive husband. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 This is escalating violence with walking on eggshells. Damaging to self esteem and deranging to emotional health. It needs to be taken very seriously and not rug swept. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 anger management is a good idea! some things that work very well to divert your stress from punching your husband: join a gym and REALLY work out lifting heavy weights Join a boxing gym and punch a heavy bag or spar Go shooting large caliber handguns at the range go on a long tiring hike up a mountain there are a ton more....find a healthy outlet instead Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 anger management is a good idea! some things that work very well to divert your stress from punching your husband: join a gym and REALLY work out lifting heavy weights Join a boxing gym and punch a heavy bag or spar Go shooting large caliber handguns at the range go on a long tiring hike up a mountain there are a ton more....find a healthy outlet instead She's pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 She's pregnant. Which begs the question.....what will she do to her child when he/she pushes her buttons at 3:00 am? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Don't tolerate it and suggest she gets into anger management therapy. You need to be serious and categorically tell her if she does it again she can consider herself your Ex wife. Don't allow her to throw things in your face and punch you, then try and blame you. If she does it again, pack a bag and go to a hotel or relative for a week or so. Don't tell her where you are. Make it crystal clear, that you WILL NOT accept this . You should have put your foot down to begin with as now she thinks it's okay . She's violent and next thing you know she'll accidently stab you. This is how it starts. Stand up for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts