I'm getting more sexually frustrated and thinking of proposing

[oldshirt]

Its not uncommon for a woman who has made some "sexual mistakes" in her past to find a guy she likes and want to wait. To suggest she is manipulating him because of it is a reach.

 

 

 

I don't think so. I am sure the local minister would like to believe in such redemption but I don't think that it is a reality.

 

 

I doubt if it is a case of finding someone she likes and wants to wait to make up for past sins.

 

 

I think it's more of a case of finding a chump that gives her strokes and support but that she is not attracted to and does not respect sexually.

 

 

The fact she screws other guys but not him is a major red flag here and not a sign of her virtuousness.

 

 

They each have issues and personal demons and a marriage certificate is not going to fix either one. A marriage certificate is not going to make her suddenly desire and want him sexually and a marriage certificate is not going to turn him into sexual tiger.

 

 

If they were sexually compatible and sexually into each other, they would have had sex by now.

 

 

I agree with the others, this is a disaster waiting to happen.

[ascendotum]

Hint:

 

No one lacks another person. What you lack is the devil-may-care attitude to walk alone and not put up with nonsense from another person.

 

He lacks the devil may care attitude, but not walking alone bit as it seems he has for most of his adult like been doing that, that's why he is putting up with this situation. He loves her but how much of that is driven simply because she is the first female to be his gf, and getting married simply to get the sex component of the relationship (what so many others take for granted). This scenario is terrible,and it seems his close friends sense she's wrong as they don't like her. He could compromise - get engaged on the proviso he can find out if they are sexually compatible before marriage. I doubt there is going to be lust on her side and I hope he does not still see that as still a great outcome.

[Gloria25]

You'll never know what's it like having no luck in the dating world for years and suddenly that person (the first one that shows in your life) is interested in you and the relationship keeps going on. We've now been dating for 11 months so that's not really too early too propose. It was rather on the 2nd month that she told me her view on preferring to wait till marriage.

 

It's not that I'm all for impressing my family member. I always wanted a woman in my life, a meaningful relationship, one that accepts me. That's all I was lacking.

 

Umm...

 

When I first joined the military I almost got married out of loneliness. Thankfully I didn't make that mistake.

 

I also am not the prettiest girl in the room and my "independence" is quite off-putting to many men....ok? I have and continue to get many of rejections...ok?

 

Also, I have serious trust and intimacy issues. But, unlike my sisters I made a decision from my tweens/teens that I would never drag children into my situation.

 

I get lonely a times...to the point where I've dated guys with kids and tried to "bring" myself to be accepting of kids and a husband, but I just couldn't bend and/or manipulate some poor dude into thinking I wanted kids and a husband just to cure my loneliness.

 

Like others posted here, nothing wrong with wanting what you want...but the way you're going about it, you gotta be careful you aren't gonna let some chick manipulate you and set you up for 18 years of misery.

[gaius]

Yes, I'm a virgin.

 

All we ever did was making out and humping into each other with clothes on in the bed. This is when she stopped me when I wanted to make more moves.

If she's not at least giving you a handjob, blowing you, or doing some other lesser form of sexual activity it's pretty unlikely she'll be super into sex after you get married. If that's something you can live with, and all the other stuff makes being with her worth it to you then go for it. It's hardly rare to run across someone who's in a relationship with a partner who they aren't that sexually attracted to but who decide to stick around for other things.

[TaraMaiden2]

.....I always wanted a woman in my life, a meaningful relationship, one that accepts me. That's all I was lacking.

 

You do realise it' STILL lacking.... don't you?

 

The relationship is NOT meaningful.

She is NOT accepting you....

 

This woman?

 

She isn't 'it'.

[Palmeiras]

He lacks the devil may care attitude, but not walking alone bit as it seems he has for most of his adult like been doing that, that's why he is putting up with this situation.

 

When he was alone before, it apparently wasn't a choice. Choosing to walk alone as an alternative to sticking with someone who is messing you around is very different.

 

I completely understand why the OP is trying to salvage this, but he is going to need to be very confident and forthright if he is going to have any realistic chance. I myself would not even hesitate to cast this girl aside, but my worldview is obviously disparate relative to the OP's.

Edited July 8, 2015 by Palmeiras

[Gloria25]

You know what I love about this thread?

 

It's manipulative chicks who always get the guy...

 

This chick pulled one of the oldest tricks in the book and it worked (use sex to manipulate a guy...the o'l bait and switch)..I mean, she put off having sex - yet dangled it in front of him to the point where he thought he was in love with her when all it was is blue balls.

 

Well, I guess I'll resolve to remaining single and alone because I don't have game like that...and, I actually have a conscious. I don't have the stomach to play with some guy to get my way.

 

Also, these chicks are good at reading guys. I'm sure that she could tell he lacked experience from day one and played him like a fiddle. I also suck at reading guys...Well, maybe if I didn't have a thing going for me and had to resort to manipulating men then I'd have to develop an ability to read them.

 

I guess I gotta stop being so nice to guys. I need to play games to get them to marry me too.

[dragon_fly_7]

If the OP's friends don't like her and he's even questioning about her motives for making him wait then I'm sure it's for a reason. I have a feeling their marriage is going to be doomed from the start.

 

It's manipulative chicks who always get the guy...

Also, these chicks are good at reading guys. I'm sure that she could tell he lacked experience from day one and played him like a fiddle. I also suck at reading guys...

I wonder how they do it too. I would never find it in my heart to play someone like that either and secondly, I would be sucking at it too.

 

Sounds like this chick is exactly a female player, a user. I'm guessing she's only going to marry him for security and money, then only have sex with him the first couple times and cheat along the way with the players.

 

I recently heard of a true story about some woman (just like the OP's gf, she was a very experienced and younger) that did to some poor dude who was a 40 year-old virgin. She was after his money, married him, cheated and then wanted to divorce after sex with him wasn't satisfying. The sad part is since she wasn't going to get much money for divorcing him, she hired two guys to shoot him. A real witch and an evil one. Talk about a man that wanted to find love and this is what he gets, killed for money.

 

The only good ending to that story is she is rotting in prison, sentenced for life (the two guys are also serving life terms). I think the story was called ''The virgin and the bachelorette''. People that take advantage of the inexperienced ones, making them think they're the one are true cowards. I'm willing to bet they wouldn't be able to pull that on an experienced person.

Edited July 8, 2015 by dragon_fly_7

[Eggplant]

I understand the concern that she might not be attracted to him, but it's equally possible her ideas about sex have evolved. He has to decide based on her other actions what her motives are. But so far in this thread, no information was given, yet everybody has leapt to conclusions.

[Tribble]

What a terrible reason to get married. Get married by all means before having sex (while I wouldn't, I respect the choice) but don't get married just for having sex. You're meant to go into marriage with the hopes of a life-long commitment together, not looking to get laid.

 

 

We're all talking about this girl being manipulative but we really know nothing about her motives for this, who knows, she may be a virgin who is pretending to have more experience (after all, that's what the OP is doing). But what about the OP? In this case, we KNOW he is being manipulative. He's considering proposing just so he can get sex. There's nothing here that suggests a meaningful relationship where he can't stand the thought of being without HER. He just can't cope without having sex. He even tried to 'get her to change her mind' by sprucing up his house all nice then inviting her over and putting on the moves. He isn't respecting her decision, he's trying to figure out desperately how to get laid, by whatever means necessary.

 

 

A marriage should be based on trust, commitment and communication. There is no getting around the fact that you have lied to your gf. I don't advocate talking numbers at all but I think you being a virgin is a pretty big piece of the puzzle and I think, if you're considering marrying this girl, you should be capable of talking about sex. What you think you might like, what she likes, how often you'd like to have sex etc. You should be open to have an idea of sexual compatibility before you have sex.

[elaine567]

I think for someone who has been sexually active to stop wanting sex with a new partner I guess something fairly serious must have happened.

 

She may have had a religious, spiritual awakening and truly want to wait for marriage, but she may also have a past that makes her not like or even fear sex.

Bad relationships, abusive relationships, unresolved relationships, unrequited love for another even?

She may have suffered abuse, sexual abuse, child abuse, even sexual violence and rape?

She may have been pressurised into having sex previously by other men and now the pressure is off she may not want to have sex until married or just not want to have sex full stop.

She may only previously have had bad sex with others and now doesn't want sex, as it does nothing for her.

She may have a very low sex drive.

She may have a medical condition that makes sex painful or a psychological block regarding sex, she may have vaginismus.

She may have had an upbringing that suggests sex is dirty and just needs to be tolerated...

 

Lots of issues here to consider and discuss first before running headlong into marriage.

 

Of course the other consideration is that she too is a virgin and she is too shy, ashamed to admit it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Men marry/are with a woman 50 percent based on the sexual aspect alone anyway, all the other things women want to believe the guy is with her for is just what she wants to believe and he can easily promote that...it's not like he's got to argue with her about it, but since women are usually having sex already then it's not like it get this much focus or attention, but I'd like to see a woman get a guy with average options to wait a whole year just for sex...even if she wanted him to wait.

 

So there's not many fools...I mean men like you OP, you need to realize this girl is just avoiding intimacy with you, she already had her fun and likely got burned by the "bad guys" which is why you're up at the plate and she's just basically living an enhanced version of a friendship, without your desperation I cannot imagine you being in this same position with her.

 

You don't want to marry this woman, she's just going to continue to avoid sex with you and you will have it but it will be very poor...she's not with you for the sex, hell she might not even be attracted to you...she's just one of those women looking for security and reliability in a man and she realizes you're gullible and ignorant enough to live that kind of life that she wants so far...so she's really got all the power and benefits of being a girlfriend without the sex and then you're going to reward her for that with a marriage? you're just going to screw yourself even more.

 

She probably has issues which goes without saying and even a low sex-drive or some trauma associated...which basically means for you that she's not really worth the time.

 

If you want to get laid so bad, do what the average guy does without options...go for someone less pretty and overweight, it's better than getting married.

[Brigit_1]

Men marry/are with a woman 50 percent based on the sexual aspect alone

 

Isn't that number closer to 70% ?

[Phoenician]

Okay, you love her and all that.

 

But you said she is your polar opposite. Honestly, I have never known a situation like yours to work out. For the very reason that you don't know if you are sexually compatible and waiting until you marry to find out is fraught with too many unknowns. Are you even able to talk about sex with her? How would it be if you married and discovered the sex is lousy, or she only wants it every six months, or will only do it in the dark, under the covers, and for 6.2 minutes?

 

Are you two compatible in other ways? Do you have the same philosophy on life, how to treat others, what you want in the future?

 

Agree with CT ,

 

Go ahead , propose and end up with all above in bold .!

 

I will regret my whole life how i made the mistake u are going to do ; at that time I assumed that sexual compatibility is not an issue ,"if she doesn't like sex every week , so what !, I can wait I love her "

 

 

The truth is that sexual compatibility is much beyond this , the secrets in bed reveals the inner personality of every person .

 

for example what does it mean that a partner will not do any effort in bed ; or never give Oral for instance , it means only one thing : selfish .

 

What does it mean that she can watch tv while you rock her ?

-she is not really interrested .

 

The only explanation I can find is that your GF is buying through this marriage security bundle .

 

I believe you should change your strategy ; show her that you are upset because you are not enjoying monments together ; and for you sex is one of basic joyfull times .

 

If she is a giver , she will change , otherwise , follow your gutt.

[Els]

Meh, I don't feel much sympathy for you, to be honest. She was honest and clear from the start that she wanted to wait... but you hung around 'hoping to change her mind' and then got embarrassed and depressed that a decorated bed and some 'moves' didn't do the trick?

 

Here's the thing: When someone says something like that, you take them for their word and decide whether or not you are okay with it. If you aren't okay with it, leave. Don't sit around hoping they'll change their mind if you get the right candle and sprinkle enough hearts on the bed.

 

Waiting for marriage is a decision that needs to be made by both people. If one person wants to wait and the other doesn't, they're likely just incompatible.

[autumnnight]

I've been dating my girlfriend for nearly a year now, I'm a couple months shy of turning 25 (hardware repair, programmer and humanities professor) while she's 22 and close to finishing college. I admit that I was impressed she still wanted to continue dating me after the first couple dates and really thought to myself ''what does she sees in a guy like me who doesn't talk too much''. She's my polar opposite.

 

Overall I'm ok with the relationship and it's now been nearly a year but I do wonder why would a girl that's kind of far from being a virgin is into wanting to make things right and do what she would have wanted: making me wait till marriage. She was honest from the start about her past but when she asked for mine (didn't think girls ask this too), I just replied ''Enough that I know, I'm more for showing than telling''. She thought I was being funny.

 

She told me this towards the 2nd month of our relationship when I was starting to make some moves. Then also told me the same thing last month when I was trying to make things romantic, decorate the bed and thought that finally moving out of my old apartment, inviting her to my new house and once again trying to make some moves would get her to change her mind. I love her but if only she knew I've been sexually frustrated for such a long time. I'm considering proposing sometime sooner so by then I'll have both the girl I love and we'll have sex already.

 

So since I love her and want sex already, should I just propose her soon? Certain days, I still don't get why she rejected me twice for intimacy (while other guys had it easier) and is making me wait for marriage. But since she wants marriage and has hinted, I'm considering have it done. I feel like it's either now or never. I'm tired of endlessly waiting.

 

Let me answer this as someone who assumed my ex's "gentlemanliness" was just nobility:

 

Do not propose to or marry her without some very frank talks about her feelings about sex in general and her level of desire. Maybe she is right; maybe it IS all about wanting to wait until it is "right." Or maybe sex is just not important to her anymore. Do you really want to marry her for life if that is the case?

 

I know somewhere in the Bible it says "it is better to marry than to burn with passion," but that is only true if you are not going to be forced to continue to burn with frustration AFTER the wedding.

[sandylee1]

She's got a sexual past, and now, suddenly after screwing any number of guys, shes making you wait until marriage? Sorry, not buying it, she's being manipulative, and making her own arbitrary rules that you feel obligated to follow. If it was me, I'd kick her to the curb and at that point if she wants to try to save the relationship and agrees to sex, I'd consider it but she better be damn good in bed after making me wait so long.

 

My thoughts exactly. She's already lost her virginity and now she's holding out....I don't buy it either.

 

Don't marry her.

[autumnnight]

My thoughts exactly. She's already lost her virginity and now she's holding out....I don't buy it either.

 

Don't marry her.

 

There ARE people with checkered pasts who repent and want to stay pure from then on. However....there are also people who were, at one point, promiscuous, who got it out of their system, and then decide to give a guy a sexless marriage.

[Toodaloo]

Just wanting to get laid a really bad reason to propose marriage.

 

OP read this over and over again...

 

Though that's part of the reason (not the only reason though), I also love her.

Just that I can't stand this burden anymore and I've been depressed, embarrassed about it for years. I always wanted to have a gf like all my friends, male cousins do and if I made it this far with her (all we did was making out and humping into each other with clothes on in the bed) in comparing to nothing, then it gives me more reason to want to go along with it.

 

Fact - Your girl has shagged other blokes before.

Fact - She didn't make them wait until marriage

Fact - She is probably stringing you along.

 

My advise is end it.

 

She is using the potential sex to keep you hooked. She also shouldn't be teasing you by sleeping with you in the same bed but not having sex with you. She is taunting you. She is using sex as a bargaining chip and not as an act of care. She will continue to use sex as a bargaining chip.

 

You want a girl like your cousins. Go get a girl like your cousins.

 

DO NOT marry this one.

[oldshirt]

There ARE people with checkered pasts who repent and want to stay pure from then on. However....there are also people who were, at one point, promiscuous, who got it out of their system, and then decide to give a guy a sexless marriage.

 

And this situation is screaming that a sexless marriage is what it would be.

 

There are people that have religious or personal beliefs that sex is for marriage.

 

However if those people have a desire and attraction to their partner, they find other ways to express their desire and sexuality that still fall within their personal boundaries such as mutual masturbation, handjobs, oral even anal.

 

They do not simply say they want to wait and then let their partner suffer in quiet desparation.

 

They also don't screw a multitude of other guys beforehand.

[oldshirt]

So a question for Simplefellow, here is a key for you may have in store for you in the future.

 

- how is she toleration her abstinence?

 

Be honest with yourself here, this is very important. Is she climbing the walls with frustration and having trouble keeping her hands off of you? Is she troubled by her own desires and having trouble maintaining her own chastity? Is she hot for getting it on with you in other ways such as manual or oral sex and is performing those things with enthusiasm and enjoyment?

 

Or does she seem perfectly content and and perfectly OK with not pursuing a sexual component to your relationship?

[SerCay]

OP, I wonder if you're just anxious to have sex and therefore you choose to stay with her, so that your first experiences will be with someone you're familiar with? If that's the reason, I suggest you either get a one night stand, or a hooker and be done with it.

 

Sorry to all that think the first time needs to be special, but if it's such a big deal to your self esteem, that you want to MARRY the first girl, who is manipulating you even...Then you should go for the unromantic options above.

[baco]

Sorry if the question was already answered, but why does she want to wait until marriage ? In the first post the only reason that is given is that she wants to do the right thing and that, at least to me does not mean to wait until marriage.

 

You are both adults and should adress this problem as such, talk to her and tell her what you feel, you are considering marring this woman why shouldn't you be able to talk about your feelings regarding sex or any other thing for that matter ?

 

Honestly I don't think you relantionship is mature enough to even consider marriage.

[oldshirt]

So a question for Simplefellow, here is a key for you may have in store for you in the future.

 

- how is she toleration her abstinence?

 

Be honest with yourself here, this is very important. Is she climbing the walls with frustration and having trouble keeping her hands off of you? Is she troubled by her own desires and having trouble maintaining her own chastity? Is she hot for getting it on with you in other ways such as manual or oral sex and is performing those things with enthusiasm and enjoyment?

 

Or does she seem perfectly content and and perfectly OK with not pursuing a sexual component to your relationship?

 

So in other words, if she is showing no ill effect at all from not having a sexual relationship while dating, the chances are very very good that you will not have a sexual relationship after marriage either.

 

Marriage does not make women horny or desire sex if they had no desire for it when they were single.

 

Even the hottest and most passionate sex lives will cool down some over time in marriage.

 

The relationships that were sexually dull and flat while dating will soon be completely nonexistent after marriage.

[autumnnight]

So a question for Simplefellow, here is a key for you may have in store for you in the future.

 

- how is she toleration her abstinence?

 

Be honest with yourself here, this is very important. Is she climbing the walls with frustration and having trouble keeping her hands off of you? Is she troubled by her own desires and having trouble maintaining her own chastity? Is she hot for getting it on with you in other ways such as manual or oral sex and is performing those things with enthusiasm and enjoyment?

 

Or does she seem perfectly content and and perfectly OK with not pursuing a sexual component to your relationship?

 

Man, this is a wise question!

 

If someone had asked me to look at this 20+ YEARS AGO IT MIGHT HAVE SAVED ME YEARS OF HORRIFIC REJECTED MISERY.

 

Oops, sorry about all caps. On a different keyboard so my muscle memory is off lol.