Dating a single dad with 50/50 custody

[NoMoreJerks]

He's been messaging me for the past 3 days. Nothing too detailed. How are you? I'm good. Me too. I have a lot of work, but I am gonna manage to finish it on time. Great! OK back to grading papers! Happy grading! Thanks, and hope you are well,have a good day! Rinse repeat for the past 3 days. Glad he did not call me. I want to keep things casual / friendly like this, until he finishes his semester tomorrow, and I can get my stuff from his friend.

[kendahke]

 

I am resentful of the fact that he wants to string me along even when he does not think I am important enough in his life.

 

then on that point alone, you need to end this. He is who he is and if he wanted to change who he is to make room in his life for you, it'd have been done a long time ago and this thread wouldn't be here.

 

I see no good reason to keep investing your youth in him when you're getting nothing out of it except resentful feelings and stress. He ain't the one, hun.

[kendahke]

Huh? How is that hateful?

 

As usual, you won't see how what you've written has prompted the responses you've gotten with regards to your attitude towards the son. Many people here didn't come to that conclusion out of thin air. It's how you're coming across.

 

I am just stating that this is what he does with his ADOLESCENT son,

 

It's HOW you're stating it. You're doing your level best to demote or discount the son because of how his parents can't stop their silly struggle-dance of power over each other so you can have a relationship with a man who isn't interested in giving you what you need.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/adolescence

 

Adolescence describes the teenage years between 13 and 19 and can be considered the transitional stage from childhood to adulthood. However, the physical and psychological changes that occur in adolescence can start earlier, during the preteen or "tween" years (ages 9 through 12). Adolescence can be a time of both disorientation and discovery. The transitional period can bring up issues of independence and self-identity; many adolescents and their peers face tough choices regarding schoolwork, sexuality, drugs, alcohol, and their social life. Peer groups, romantic interests and external appearance tend to naturally increase in importance for some time during a teen's journey toward adulthood.

 

He is the unwilling participant in his parent's dysfunction--which to me says that they're really not emotionally done with one another if all of this mess is going on between them. Why do you wish to remain all up in the middle of it when according to what you've laid out in this thread, the signs have been quite clear for some time that you're the option and not the priority? You aren't cut out for participating in this guy's life and he's not interested in altering it for you. He'd have done it by now if he felt you were worth that effort.

[elaine567]

At a few hours a week sounds like he thinks of you as a FWB, whatever he says to the contrary.

If that is not what you want to be, then you know what to do here.

The more I read the fewer reasons you appear to have to stay in this relationship.

[BluEyeL]

He's just 11, he's still a tween, the worst is still to come! As soon as he hits 13, when the puberty actually starts and when he's going to start his adolescence, he's going to get worse with mood swings and the peak is at 15. It's an almost guarantee, for any child. They get better after 16, but some have issues up into their 20s.

 

There are some exceptions, some kids who are genetically inclined towards being more calm and are less affected by the hormonal storm and changes to their brain, and/or receive a lot of support at home. But this kid is in a difficult family situation and he's not likely to be an exception.

 

The OP is not likely to be able to weather this storm, the man is not willing to put her first (she can never be first, the children come first always), and is better to call it quits, like she plans to.

 

I have a 13 yo son as well and I've been dating a wonderful man for 1 year, things are going great and we're both happy. We've decided not to move in together until my son goes to college and I think that's best. We only get the cream on top, not all the farts that come with living together. I saw in other threads, about moving in while the woman has a child, why move in and go through that?

 

Step parents/partners are ALWAYS resentful about the children. Always. I'm 43 yo and I'm yet to meet or read on any forum any positive comments about the partner's children. The children are always spoiled brats, evil and horrible. It appears that unless it's your own child, all of the others are a disgrace. Even if you have children of your own, you of course were a much better parent than your partner, your children are/were angels while the new ones are little devils. I don't want to put myself through that, my child, or my partner for that matter.

 

The child always comes first. It is true, I've seen on the other hand that some parents exaggerate with the time spent with the children. Only the other day I saw a father here on the forum complaining about a situation with his GF and how he can't spend time with her when he has the kids. Well, the kids were 15 and 11, I really don't see why some parents would never leave kids alone, will never hire a sitter and go out etc. I've been raising my son alone (100%, father not in the picture) since he was 6 and I did date, hired sitters etc. With my BF, we spend 5days/week together, have two dates night a week and the rest we don't 100% spend with my son, who has his own interests and activities. We also go on trips without him, while we take him on some and I go alone with him (the son) a couple of times a year too. It's all in the balance, from all sides.

 

But OP, you do sound hateful towards the kid. Which is pretty much in line with every partner/step parent I've met or heard about. You're a bit worse than some though.

Edited July 8, 2015 by BluEyeL

[NoMoreJerks]

BlueEyeL,

 

I agree with a lot of what you said, especially with regards to some parents spending too much time with their kids and not realizing that there's something called babysitters... in fact, this man has gotten friends to babysit his kid for him, when he had "important" stuff to do. Which brings me to the point I wanted to make. I refuse the accusation that I am hateful of the kid. I acknowledged that I do not love the kid. Heck, some of his behavior frustrates me to no end a lot of the time. But not loving, and being frustrated, is not equivalent to hatred. Again, I am not claiming to live in this perfect fantasy land where the gf LOVES and adores her boyfriend's son. Never said that. But there is quite a clear line separating love from hate, and a huge zone of feelings in between the two. Also, the bf left his son alone the other day, when he took him in order for his ex to go to a party. He left him alone for several hours, in order to go give his lesson to his friend/student... but when it comes to me? Forget it. He doesn't even consider it. And not that I want him to. But he could easily get a friend to babysit. He did it SEVERAL times in the past 2-3 weeks, because he wanted to go and do things on his own. Also, he lets his 11 year old son watch 18+rated TV series. I told him a few months ago, that if his son is old enough to watch 18+ shows, then he is old enough to stay on his own for an hour or two. He took my statement as a judgement of his parenting style. And it was. But it was more than that. It was an attempt to get him to see the hypocrisy and the excuses he was making, for not spending alone time with me. It's not that he doesn't want to leave the kid on his own (with or without babysitter), ever. It's that there is a problem , in his head, with leaving the kid with a babysitter for a gf. Maybe he's afraid the ex will find out, and he won't look good as a father (and maybe more, potential partner?). Maybe he is afraid that if his ex finds out (his son plays the parents off each other), he is gonna look bad in "comparison" to the boy's stepfather... I don't know. But anyway, bottom line: I don't hate the kid. I hate that the bf has used him as an excuse. In many if not most situations, that is the reason that people "complain" about the child. Yes, they were aware there was a child in the picture, and that the father and child are a package deal. But that is NOT the point. The point is that single fathers often think that they can treat the gf as an afterthought and that she should stick around cos she knew full well there was a child in the picture, and if she doesn't bend over backwards and accept being an afterthought (because she has needs of her own, and a healthy self-esteem), then she fits the stereotype of the "evil stepmother". This is exactly what you are accusing me of being, just because I dared complain that the child is treated as an adult when it suits his needs and it's about someone or something important in his life, and as a baby, when it comes to my needs and us having dates on our own. Honestly, I don't think he is over his ex. Maybe he has no intention of going back to her, but there is a lot of unprocessed emotional baggage there, and it is standing in the way of him pursuing a healthy relationship that normal single fathers are able to pursue (one of my male friends is an example of that, with 2 kids, 6 year old and 11 year old, full-time single dad, managed to sneak in dates every week, and just proposed to his gf).

 

Personally, I would never leave an 11 year old on his own (babysitters are fine). But then again I would also never let an 11 year old watch 18+/R-rated shows. But he does. Both. And when he does it without any qualms for others and not for me, that leaves me wondering if his son is just an excuse, or he thinks that those things for which he leaves his son alone are such priorities, but then when it comes to seeing me, he has no time, because he no longer wants to leave his son alone as he did it for most of his visitation time when I wasn't there. And when he doesn't leave him alone for a particular week's visitation time, then he claims he wants alone time with his son, and is attached at the hip to him. In short, there is always an excuse, from one extreme to the other.

Edited July 8, 2015 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

Many people here didn't come to that conclusion out of thin air.

No, they come to that conclusion because there is a ready-made accusation at their disposal, that anyone who complains about the way they are being treated by a single parent, is accused of.

 

It's HOW you're stating it. You're doing your level best to demote or discount the son

Huh? I really truly fail to understand HOW I discounted or demoted his son, by saying that his father treats him in a silly way, as if he is a toddler or worse, an infant..... If anything, I am CRITICIZING the father's behaviour BECAUSE it demotes and discounts his son. Basically, he is treating his son like a retard. The 11 year old son has the mental age of a 6 year old in many ways. And then in others (in inappropriate things) he participates in adult conversations that he should have no interest in or business getting involved in. The bf/ex (and her ex) are ruining her son, and I am a first-hand observer of that. I cannot for the life of me understand how any parent can treat their child the way these two are treating the poor boy. These are parents that brag about how their son is the tallest in the classroom as if THAT is what matters, as if THAT is some sort of proof that they are doing a good job with their son (or some such twisted logic), as if that is some sort of rite of passage for kids his age. But ALL his friends (who have come over for bday party, etc.) are 10x more mature and act their age. Whereas their son acts like he is 6-7. His neighbor's bf has a 6 year old son, and he is more mature than this boy. Heck, he plays with his 6 year old cousin, rather than his 12 year old cousin. It really makes me upset to see his behavior ruin this child (regardless of the fact that I don't LOVE the child), and that he is using the child as an emotional crutch in order to avoid doing certain things or thinking about certain things that would make the relationship with his gf PROGRESS. And yes, every kid matures at a different age, but there is a problem when an 11 year old acts HALF his age....This means that emotional development is stunted. And some might say it is best for this man to therefore stop dating and focus on his son. But it is in being alone and focusing too much on his son in inappropriate and unhealthy ways that has contributed (if not directly led) to the current situation. Perhaps if he took a healthier approach and stopped using his son as an emotional crutch, and faced his emotional baggage, by opening up to his gf and facing his relationship fears, etc., then his son would also have benefited from it. But that has to come from him -- it has to be his choice. I cannot pressure people into changing or doing things that they don't want to do / that they haven't thought through and believe in. Edited July 8, 2015 by NoMoreJerks

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you've made the right decision to move on. You're obviously not happy in this relationship. I'll say the same thing I just said in another thread:

 

Learn to accept him as is and love him, or don't and leave. Those are your options. Or continue being frustrated and complaining about a situation that will never change much, if at all.

[introverted1]

Huh? How is that hateful? I am just stating that this is what he does with his ADOLESCENT son, and mocking the fact that he does it. Because that is something we usually do with babies or toddlers, not teenagers.

 

You've stated that the son is 11. Why do you keep referring to him as a teenager? So we will agree that he is being babied?

 

Being a single parent is hard. It is even harder when both parents are actively parenting because there is a certain amount of competition as well as fear that the parent with more control (which sounds like the ex) will make life difficult for the parent with less control. On top of that, not everyone has great parenting skills.

 

It's pretty clear from your posts that you find the bf's son annoying. That's fair enough. Perhaps you are not meant to date someone with a child.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I looked at some of your other threads that I guess are about this relationship including that you left him in December because of his and his kid's behavior towards you at Christmas??? Anyway you have had alot of unhappiness with this guy and it seems to have just made you 100% furious and miserable. What does it matter what he says or what his kid does, you can't stand any of it.

 

I'm sorry please don't take this all defensive, but it is hard to read how you throw back people's advice in their faces, people (like me) really ARE getting a picture of you because of what YOU write here. What you think:

 

No, they come to that conclusion because there is a ready-made accusation at their disposal, that anyone who complains about the way they are being treated by a single parent, is accused of.

 

really is NOT the case. :( You are coming off as inappropriate in your response to this whole situation. We're getting that because of what you write. If you don't like your relationship or how you are being treated it's not a "single parent" thing, it's just a relationship that is OBVIOUSLY not working.

[NoMoreJerks]

You've stated that the son is 11. Why do you keep referring to him as a teenager? So we will agree that he is being babied?

I am not sure what you mean. He is 11, turning 12 in a few months. 13 is not far off. These numbers are artificial categories anyway. It's not as if on the day of his 13th birthday he is going to magically turn into a "teenager." It's just a concept that refers to a certain phase, and for some kids, it starts earlier than others. I call this nitpicking, deflecting from the main issue. He is not treated appropriately for his age. He is babied in many respects. And then he is treated like an adult and involved in adult conversations in other aspects (which he should not be involved in at his age!).

 

Being a single parent is hard. It is even harder when both parents are actively parenting because there is a certain amount of competition as well as fear that the parent with more control (which sounds like the ex) will make life difficult for the parent with less control. On top of that, not everyone has great parenting skills.

I don't think EITHER of his parents are actually PARENTING him. His mother is largely absent from his life, even when he is at her place. Not to mention that she increasingly last-minute shifts her visitation days to visitation days at his father's, without actually exchanging days that they were supposed to have the kid. She just adds her visitation days onto his, dumps her son at her ex's. When she is around, and he is with her, she does not involve him greatly. She went to a FAMILY party, and took her two kids from her new husband, but refused to take her son whom she had with my bf/ex... The bf/ex, on the other hand, is there most of the time, too present even, but does little parenting at all. To me, parenting is an active strategy of raising a child, disciplining, setting boundaries, teaching acceptable and non-acceptable behaviors, etc. This kid has absolutely no structure and no limits/boundaries. And tons of attention and presence from his dad. Parenting is absent even if one or both of the parents are present (to whatever extent). IMO, it is very destructive when single parents think that presence and being joined at the hip to their child is what makes good parenting and makes up for what the kid goes through because of the separation. one of the major problems that kids from separation have to face (I read about this extensively because I wanted to understand his son's perspective on his dad dating, blended families, step-parent-stepchild relationships, adjustment to post-separation life, etc.) is the lack of discipline and structure. Kids need and want discipline, even if they seek to challenge it increasingly as they reach puberty. It actually HELPS them and makes the situation manageable both for parents and for children. This child has none. No structure to his days/life, and no discipline. By structure I mean, knowing which day he is gonna end up where. He shifts every 2-3 days between apartments. Sometimes every other day. I have to say, even I, as an adult,would find that mentally exhausting. In encouraging his ex not to take responsibility for her son, by providing services for her (such as allowing her to go to her party ), he is actually contributing to this miserable situation for his son. I don't think it is competition between the father and the mother PER SE. It is more a competition between the father and the mother's perception of who is a better "father" figure in the child's life, him or the stepfather. As a result, the winner out of this whole situation is: just the mother. She gets to do her own thing, go to her parties, while her son is miserable, going through a hard time , her ex (my bf/ex) is miserable and can't even date properly (assuming he even wants to) and not only that, but who badmouths the child's stepfather because he is threatened by him or wants to prove to the mother that he is a better father. So, as a result, even the stepfather is miserable, because, even if the child is respectful towards him , he is still resentful towards the stepfather, because it only takes very little badmouthing of the stepfather by the father, in front of the child, for the child to start resenting the stepfather, and to be caught in a loyalty bind (the child is not allowed to bond with the stepfather, because his father has made it clear that if he does that, he is hurting his dad). So sad. I guess that's the florence nightingale in me, wishing that I could be the "fixer" of this messed up situation... but as I said, I am not here to fix anyone's life. I am here to be with someone who can give me his love, his time, respect,appreciation, etc. If he can't give me that for whatever reason, then I am out. And I am. Saddened, but I gotta look out for my own interests and not waste my youth on him. I eventually want to have kids, and I can't believe I even wasted a year and 4 months on this man. That's 1 year and 4 months I won't get back. My fault.

 

It's pretty clear from your posts that you find the bf's son annoying. That's fair enough. Perhaps you are not meant to date someone with a child.

Honestly, I am not sure. Maybe. Maybe not. This is a highly messed up situation. Yes, many separated families are messed up. Some even more so, with hostility between the father and mother. In this case, that does not exist. But, I would say in many ways, it is a worse situation to be in, because you can never win, no matter what you say or do, because you always appear to be messing up a situation that is "fine" (on the surface) and trying to drive a wedge between parents that are co-parenting without hostility. Also, it is worse because there are so many underlying emotional baggage that has not even been processed let alone addressed. So maybe in another situation, I would do just fine. It depends on how the single parent treats me. Putting myself in the shoes of my friend's (single dad , 2 kids) fiancée , I can say that I can totally see myself accepting a situation like that, because of the way he treats his fiancée. But for now, I think after all this emotional exhaustion of having to deal with this mess, I'd prefer to date men who have no kids. Although, every time I get the chance to date childless men my age and older (32+), I realize how immature and irresponsible they are in comparison to my bf. Maybe I just haven't had luck and there are more mature but childless men my age. Donno. Hope so. Edited July 8, 2015 by NoMoreJerks

[BluEyeL]

Actually with my son it was like a light switch . As soon as he turned 13 he immediately started to change his voice , his appearance and grew so fast that a pair of pants that he used for his orchestra concert a month prior didn't fit him at all and o had to run to the store and get him adult pants 30 min before the concert

11 Is not teenager. It truly starts when they hit puberty . The attitude also changed like overnight. I was amazed!

[NoMoreJerks]

Actually with my son it was like a light switch . As soon as he turned 13 he immediately started to change his voice , his appearance and grew so fast that a pair of pants that he used for his orchestra concert a month prior didn't fit him at all and o had to run to the store and get him adult pants 30 min before the concert

11 Is not teenager. It truly starts when they hit puberty . The attitude also changed like overnight. I was amazed!

He has already had a growth spurt. For some kids, the growth spurt happens early and then not a lot of growth happens afterwards. And then some are late bloomers and they start late but it happens so fast. And in some cases it happens slowly over a longer time period. It depends.

[BluEyeL]

Listen. He is NOT a teenager! He is a tween

[NoMoreJerks]

Listen. He is NOT a teenager! He is a tween

Moot point. What is your argument here? Teenager, tween, or otherwise, he is an 11 year old who has the body of a 14 year old and the emotional maturity of a 6 year old. That is not the gist of this topic anyway.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Well the kid, his emotional maturity, the way his parents parent the kid, all of that is just absolutely none of your beeswax. So you should stop being so wound up about it and just move on!!