Dating a single dad with 50/50 custody

[Popsicle]

Yeah I'd move on if I were you. I hope not all single fathers act that way.

[xcupid]

To his credit he takes responsibility for his son who is still in his formative years. He sounds like a pleaser. But by being a pleaser you're being pushed aside. He may have lost interest in you and is using his son as an excuse. Whatever the reason, you're not his priority. If he's not seeing you enough how can your relationship develop and grow? You're going to have to find out where you stand with him and then determine whether you're okay with what he tells you. If you're not happy then you have to decide whether you should move on and find someone who makes you his priority and treats you the way you want to be treated.

[elaine567]

Thanks for the comments everyone. Although your perspective on this not being any of my business is not how I looked at it, the bottom line - that this man is just not into me for anything serious, and that I cannot change him and make him be more assertive in order to salvage our relationship - is very much in tune with what my instincts told me. I am going to break up with him. He is not a bad guy. But he is not making the effort, and I feel grossly unimportant in his life. Completely ignored, de-prioritized. Even a pet might get more attention than I do. And it was not always like this. It was easier at first. Ironically. He used to make more effort, ask his ex to take his kid on certain days, in order to go out with me. Not all the time, but sometimes. It means it is doable. His ex is not some crazy woman, I guess, but he has enabled her. And maybe using her as an excuse to avoid uncomfortable feelings of guilt, etc. Too bad. I very much loved this man. I am gutted.

~

 

When you sign up for men with kids and exes, you sign up for the whole deal.

Relationships with one person can be difficult, relationships in which you often come low in the list of priorities after kids and exes needs a very special person to deal with that, especially if that person is single.

YOU may also find in the future, YOUR children may come low in the priority scale, if you were to have any here, as he seems unable

or unwilling to acknowledge that you also have importance and an opinion. (Some men like this, even suggest that their single gf doesn't have kids as he has been there, got the t-shirt already).

 

It seems it is him, his kids and his ex and then his gf as an afterthought.

You are better off out of this.

[kendahke]

I don't see the confusion about the question. His ex has determined his visitation schedule. If I don't bend over backwards and change my schedule to fit into her schedule ALL the time, I would never see him. He is additionally at her beck and call every time. The other day, she was supposed to pick up her kid. She calls and says that she wants the ex to keep the kid with him because she has a family party that she wants to go to. My bf and I had scheduled a date on that day, and he immediately said yes to her, just so that she can go to the party.

 

He expects me to suck it up and deal with it. He has his kid over full-time all summer except for 5 days. Meaning we will never see each other this summer, unless I am happy to just have play dates with an 11 year old.

 

Am I over-reacting to this? I just feel like he expects me to be not only HIS, but also his EX's doormat. A yes-woman who will go to any length -- for his EX, not for his kid -- in order to stay in a relationship in which she is getting very little.

 

I see a lot of animosity towards the child, or as you keep referring to him "the kid". That's HIS son, not someone's child who is unrelated to this man. If he needs to take his son, then your plans are going to go out the window. That happens when one is a parent and it happens when one chooses to date a single parent. He is making is quite clear, from what you've written, that the child is his priority, not your relationship.

 

You don't have to suck it up and deal with it. You can bounce. Frankly, if I was him, I wouldn't want you around my son because of the naked hostility you bear towards the child for something he had no hand in creating. He had a relationship with his child long before you came on the scene and just because your'e there doesn't mean aspects of his life evaporate.

 

Dude is showing you that he isn't going to neglect his son.. and perhaps he isn't in the right head space to be dating anyone seriously--he might just need to stick to FWB's until such a time that the child is older or the child's mother settles down more in her life. You clearly aren't going to be getting out of this what you thought you should, so your best bet is to go find a man who doesn't have children or doesn't have the kind of arrangement that this man has with his child's mother.

[autumnnight]

Honestly, it is NOT his job to EVER put you before his child unless you are married.

 

If he were here, I would advise him to end the relationship. The last thing a parent needs is a SO who is resentful of his child.

 

You're in the wrong here.

[Jejangles]

I think some people are being a little harsh on you. You have talked about the kid a lot but it seems like a red herring - the kid is not the problem, the man you are having a one-sided relationship with is. As you have pointed out, this guy is just not making you and your relationship a priority. It doesn't really matter why. I think you are right to break it off, things are not going to improve and your resentment is just going to grow.

 

I think it's really difficult for single people to date people with kids. The person with the kids needs to make space in their life for the single person, and the single person has to be ok with their schedule to a large extent being controlled by external factors. I would walk away, recover and look for someone who can meet your needs better.

[Rejected Rosebud]

OP you write long posts but I want to get a couple of points clear for myself on this - you have been seeing him for one year and 4 months, right? And you see him for 3 hours a week? And his ex is a "soon to be ex" so they aren't even divorced yet? Do I have those right??:confused:

[BluEyeL]

Honestly, it is NOT his job to EVER put you before his child unless you are married.

 

If he were here, I would advise him to end the relationship. The last thing a parent needs is a SO who is resentful of his child.

 

You're in the wrong here.

I agree with this. You cannot date a single parent long term and it's better for everyone involved that you break up with him. You do sound hateful towards that child and yes, he does come first, sorry. Find someone never married/no kids and you can get all the attention.

[BluEyeL]

I don't think that this guy doesn't have a backbone. In the end, he can very well stand up to you. Your just not his priority.

 

If it's true that he's not even divorced yet, that's another bad news, these relationships with separated men hardly ever work. He's not ready to give you what you need.

[Keenly]

As a single father, I need to express the really vulnerable situation you are in in regards to the ex.

 

Men have little recourse in crazy situations, so appeasement, doing everything possible to keep her from turning into a raving vindictive bitch ( probably why he just goes with whatever) then he will probably do that.

 

 

You say that he doesn't stand up to her or things like that, but do you understand how stressful, and how crazy things get when one parent loses their mind and gets angry, violent, vindictive, or any kind of malicious attitude in a co parenting relationship?

 

I've put up with some ridiculous things. Double standards. Accusations of not caring about my daughter for the most trivial of reasons... And now what do I do? I go with pretty much anything, because I don't want to fight about something I view as inconsequential

[NoMoreJerks]

OP you write long posts but I want to get a couple of points clear for myself on this - you have been seeing him for one year and 4 months, right? And you see him for 3 hours a week? And his ex is a "soon to be ex" so they aren't even divorced yet? Do I have those right??:confused:

No no... sorry about the long posts... I guess I should bullet-point them for more clarity. Sorry!

 

-We've been seeing each other for a year and 4 months.

-He introduced me to his kid 6 months into our dating, as a friend. 2 months later, upon prodding from his friends as to why he did not tell his kid that we were more than friends, he told his kid.

-We now see each other not more than 3 hrs / week. We used to have some days together in the past, and every now and then a weekend, but that has not happened in the past 8 months since he introduced me to his son.

-I haven't seen him for more than 1 hr in the past 2 weeks. We had a date scheduled the other day, but he cancelled, because he thought it was more important to give his ex the chance to go to her family party.

-He was never married to his ex.

-They separated when their son was 4. Now he is 11. So, 7 years ago.

-He claims she tricked him into having the kid. She was on BC and she claimed to have taken antibiotics and gotten pregnant as a result (may have been an accident, but chances are slim for that one; and he is convinced that his ex forced him into this situation deliberately, that she planned this -- his words not mine)

-His kid reacted really badly to me being there when he told him that I was more than just a friend. He was rude to me, etc. I told him that while I understood that his son needed time to adjust, that I still would not accept being disrespected by his son. That stopped abruptly when I said that, though his son still gave me evil looks. Things have calmed down significantly since then, though his son does not talk to me unless I talk to him and ask him what he is up to, what he likes doing, etc.

[BluEyeL]

Kids that age take between 2 and 4 years to accept a new partner in their parent's life. So that's pretty standard. You should educate yourself. It's very annoying when girlfriends and new wives go whoa whoa whoa with crying about the kids from the previous relationship and wish they just disappeared.

 

Yeah, 3h/week is not enough, but if you want to date this guy you have to integrate into his life and pretty much play board games, ride bikes, and be infinitely patient. You are not up for the job so quit it now.

[NoMoreJerks]

I think some people are being a little harsh on you. You have talked about the kid a lot but it seems like a red herring - the kid is not the problem, the man you are having a one-sided relationship with is. As you have pointed out, this guy is just not making you and your relationship a priority. It doesn't really matter why. I think you are right to break it off, things are not going to improve and your resentment is just going to grow.

 

I think it's really difficult for single people to date people with kids. The person with the kids needs to make space in their life for the single person, and the single person has to be ok with their schedule to a large extent being controlled by external factors. I would walk away, recover and look for someone who can meet your needs better.

Thank you. I don't think his son is a problem in general, or THE problem in this situation. I would even go as far as saying that the ex is not THE problem either. Just the situation, and the lack of effort. I am unsure whether this is how all single fathers are, but I can't imagine that is the case, since some single fathers who have full custody manage to date. My friend has 2 sons, full custody of them, and manages to create alone-time with his now-fiancée. I don't think that, for example, cancelling a pre-planned date on me because his ex wanted to go to a family party and decided last minute that she didn't want to take her kid with her, is a good excuse and is related to prioritizing his kid. Also, maybe he accepted it because he doesn't want trouble with his ex, for the kid's sake. Fine. But he can't have his cake and eat it too. If this man is not able to balance this, and is gonna be at the beck and call of his ex in situations as unreasonable as the party situation, then why does he want a relationship in the first place? He seems to be adamant that this is a relationship. He got extremely offended when I said that this seemed like he was having good time and sex with someone whom he considered a companion/friend with benefits. So, I don't think it's fair to me that he wants to string me along, so he can have his cake and eat it too. He has to make a decision regarding what is more important, not POTENTIALLY pissing off his ex by refusing her ridiculous demands, or not driving his gf away. I am fine with either situation, though I am incredibly sad that this relationship could not work because of his choice.

[Rejected Rosebud]

But NMJ seriously - a relationship of 3 hours per week is really not anything a person would even consider mixing it up with the other parent of their child, or their child about. This sounds super casual. I'm sorry but it really seems like the guy is dating you at the level he wants to, and this is not what you want, plus you are really negative about the kid (even though you say you aren't now but your posts speak for that) and kind of obsessive about the ex and his relationship with her , this is not going to go anywhere good for ANY of you sorry. :(

[NoMoreJerks]

Kids that age take between 2 and 4 years to accept a new partner in their parent's life. So that's pretty standard. You should educate yourself. It's very annoying when girlfriends and new wives go whoa whoa whoa with crying about the kids from the previous relationship and wish they just disappeared.

Let me be very clear on this. I do not wish that his kid disappeared. If anything, I strongly believe that if he hadn't had a kid, he would've been an immature person. However, just because I expect a modicum of respect from his son (not as his dad's GIRLFRIEND, but as just a human being, and as someone who was invited to his dad's house), even if he is not happy that his dad is dating someone. I don't expect his son to adjust quickly. I never did, and I was patient, and thinks have improved significantly, without much pushing from his dad. But I had to make clear that my boundaries were: being respected and not talked to in a rude way. I just don't like how people take that and turn it into, wahhh, you walked into a kid's life and started putting down the law. Um, no. Just something that he SHOULD learn to do in life: respect people. Anyone and everyone.

[NoMoreJerks]

But NMJ seriously - a relationship of 3 hours per week is really not anything a person would even consider mixing it up with the other parent of their child, or their child about.

Or maybe he chooses not to have more than a 3hr/week FWB thing because he does not want to upset the routine that had worked for him for the past 7 years (which is probably why all the women in his life ran for the hills after very short time periods). I bent over backwards to be the accepting, understanding girlfriend, and he was never going to make more effort ANYWAY, even if I had confronted him sooner. So, this went on far longer than it should have, because I was so understanding for this long. In the end, though, he insists that we are in a relationship. Why? He got seriously offended when I suggested FWB. Maybe because I had said that I don't do FWB, and he realized that he would lose me if he did not insist it was a relationship. Maybe, for him, the idea of a relationship is basically having fun with someone for whatever spare time that is left over that would allow him to satisfy his sexual needs, rather than something similar to what he had with his ex, with whom he had lived for 7-8 years. Maybe. I don't know. I still don't see why a single father who supposedly has his kid's best interest in mind, and who is not intent on having a real serious relationship that progresses and turns into potential move-in-together situation (if not marriage) would want to keep up the charade with someone who he knows is not satisfied with the amount of time she is getting with him.

[BluEyeL]

Let me be very clear on this. I do not wish that his kid disappeared. If anything, I strongly believe that if he hadn't had a kid, he would've been an immature person. However, just because I expect a modicum of respect from his son (not as his dad's GIRLFRIEND, but as just a human being, and as someone who was invited to his dad's house), even if he is not happy that his dad is dating someone. I don't expect his son to adjust quickly. I never did, and I was patient, and thinks have improved significantly, without much pushing from his dad. But I had to make clear that my boundaries were: being respected and not talked to in a rude way. I just don't like how people take that and turn it into, wahhh, you walked into a kid's life and started putting down the law. Um, no. Just something that he SHOULD learn to do in life: respect people. Anyone and everyone.

In fact, I think you should read a little on child psychology and step families. Kids this age cannot control their emotions and will be disprespectful, that's a given. Partners will feel left out. Partners are not encouraged to get involved in discipline. All you can do is talk to the father. If you're not making any effort to understand this, there is no way you can succeed. You just go on and on with blaming others.

 

Bottom line: this is NOT what you want so leave now. You blaming them, especially the child, without even sounds petty and ...blah. Very selfish.

[Diezel]

He expects me to suck it up and deal with it. He has his kid over full-time all summer except for 5 days. Meaning we will never see each other this summer, unless I am happy to just have play dates with an 11 year old.

 

This was all I needed to read.

 

That is his kid. You are a girlfriend.

Break up with him.

[BluEyeL]

wrong thread

[NoMoreJerks]

In fact, I think you should read a little on child psychology and step families. Kids this age cannot control their emotions and will be disprespectful, that's a given. Partners will feel left out. Partners are not encouraged to get involved in discipline. All you can do is talk to the father. If you're not making any effort to understand this, there is no way you can succeed. You just go on and on with blaming others.

I understand child psychology very well, thanks. I did not tell the kid that. I did not raise the issue with his father immediately either, but a few times later (a few weeks after the initial disrespectful behavior). Sure, his kid might be unable to control his emotions, but it is something that he should LEARN to do. Good manners are acquired/taught, and his father has the responsibility to teach it to his son. If he is not willing or able to rein in his son's disrespect with people whom he invites to his house (girlfriend or not), then he should not expect people to stick around in his life. Kids cannot and should not have this level of control. They SHOULD be disciplined. It is not in my place to tell him how to discipline his son (unless we lived together), but I HAVE the right to step back and break things off, if he tolerates that his son disrespect me.

 

I am not blaming the child in any way. I was and remain very understanding that this is not easy. However, his mother has remarried, and he does not dare disrespect his mother's new husband, even though he badmouths him in front of his dad (probably in a loyalty bind). So he does not have any trouble being respectful when he has to be. I expect this to be the same in his father's house, when I am around. That is all. You insinuating that he does not have to respect me, and my bf does not have to do anything about it, is ridiculous. Yes, he does have to do something about it, if he does not want his son to be a brat who has no respect for anyone, who does not know boundaries, and if he wants his gf (and friends) to stick around. Respect does not mean acceptance. It just means treating someone like they are a human being, not dirt.

[clia]

You only see him three hours a week for the past eight months? I would've been gone seven and a half months ago. He obviously either doesn't have time to date or does not consider dating you to be a priority.

[kendahke]

the last few posts belie the seething resentment you have towards this child... and perhaps that's one of the main reasons why your relationship has stalled like it has.

 

It's done from what I can read here. Stop squandering your youth on this guy. Find a single guy with no children. He's not going to give you or be for you what/who you need.

[NoMoreJerks]

As usual, some of the replies on this post took the direction of blaming the gf by comparing her to the stereotype of the "evil stepmother". Seriously? I love kids in general, and while I find his kid bizarre and somewhat abnormal for a child of his age (because of previously described behaviors ) and do not necessarily LOVE him, I do not have any resentment whatsoever towards him. He can be adorable and say adorable things, and I get along just fine with him, and sometimes even enjoy playing board games and video games with him, and do not wish he did not exist. I also got him more thoughtful presents than both his mom and dad combined had thought of in the past 11 years of his existence. I even gave ideas to his dad about birthday presents to get him, and I spent 3 times the amount of money on his presents than his dad and mom combined (his mom's present was registration at a summer camp, because she wanted him out of her sight for the only week that she was gonna have him around). And in return? I did not expect that he accept me. I understood that it takes time, that it's a long process. Actually, in a way, I do love him, and I empathize with him, because I came from a broken home (though parents were not separated /divorced, my dad was physically abusive, and my mom was emotionally abusive and generally the experience was a bit traumatic and I have abandonment issues as a result because my parents often threatened to walk out / divorce, leaving us to wonder what was gonna happen to us ). I also feel that his mother is neglectful of him, and treats him as a leftover from her previous relationship that is a nuisance and stands in the way of her playing happy families with her "new" family. And it doesn't help that his dad (my bf) badmouths his stepdad in front of him, and has stopped his son from even REFERRING to him (not talking about calling him that to his face) as stepDAD (also stopped our friends a few times, when they used that word). Also, if he has teenager mood swings, I am the one to calm him down and talk to him, and many times I have baked desserts with him because he likes doing that, and I showed him how to do it. If this is what resentment looks like, more women dating single dads should be resentful, I guess! lol Actually, I might be the best thing that happened to this man and his son, and he does not even realize it. Or maybe he does, and does not want to let go of me for that reason, but at the same time is emotionally unavailable for a real relationship for whatever reason. He feels that his son's stepdad is a threat to his paternity. And I would not be surprised if he is playing some twisted game of trying to impress his ex by showing that he is an unbelievably/unmatchably reliable father and therefore can be a reliable boyfriend (if she decides to end things with her husband), because he even does things for her that he does not HAVE to do (like cancelling a date in order to allow her to go to a party).. Maybe I'm just a placeholder, for now, until he gets someone better (his ex). Who knows. Whatever the case, he is the one with a f*ckton of problems.

 

I am resentful of the fact that he wants to string me along even when he does not think I am important enough in his life (not talking about being top priority, even) for him to make a slight effort to actually have a real relationship with me. That is all. And because he has used the ex and his kid as an excuse, I am mentioning those excuses. HE has tried to shift the blame onto them, and not I, by saying that he had to take his son because his ex had planned this or that. And that he could not do his work during the days he had his kid, because his son had been joined at the hip to him, and therefore, he had to do the work on the days/times (already very limited) that we were supposed to do things together, just the 2 of us. If I have mentioned our only dates being play dates with the kid, it's because a few times is fine, but if EVERY date turns into a playdate, then it means that he is basically treating me like someone to keep him company while he entertains his son. I am not even saying that we cannot have a proper "date" in the presence of his son. But if we cooked dinner together, and ate it together, and then had some adult chit-chat time while his kid did something else (watched TV, played video games, read, played the piano, etc.), then that would be fine. But it isn't the way it works.

Edited July 8, 2015 by NoMoreJerks

[Rejected Rosebud]

Why are you so angry and resentful though, about his son? You say you aren't but posting things like:Coming first doesn't mean sitting there in front of the kid 24/7 and making goo-goo gaga sounds, to entertain him. really sounds quite hateful!!! Sorry. :confused: I don't think people are trying to "blame" you for stuff here, it's just that you are expecting a situation to change that you have NOTHING to do with. I don't blame you for being unhappy with your minimal role in this man's life but evidently you have accepted it for along time now!!! So as far as he is concerned, it is acceptable. You kind of talk like this is in the past tense, is it? I hope so for all of your sakes, it sounds very unpleasant for everybody. :(

[NoMoreJerks]

Why are you so angry and resentful though, about his son? You say you aren't but posting things like:Coming first doesn't mean sitting there in front of the kid 24/7 and making goo-goo gaga sounds, to entertain him. really sounds quite hateful!!!

Huh? How is that hateful? I am just stating that this is what he does with his ADOLESCENT son, and mocking the fact that he does it. Because that is something we usually do with babies or toddlers, not teenagers. How is that even hateful of his son? If anything, it is a critique of his parenting, and the fact that it's dumbing down his son and not letting him act like his age, be independent (try to find things that interest him, etc.). But hateful? Of the son, on top of that?